The Best Mistake
by Nerwen Aldarion
Summary: "All I can do is ask for forgiveness." "No. I can't forgive you." "I understand." "No you do not, No one in my entire life has ever hurt me the way you did. You made me feel guilty for breathing. I thought you hated me..." The path to forgiveness is long and hard and Jane knew it might be impossible, because no one had treated her as badly as he had. Jisbon
1. The First Mistake

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine

A/N: I know, I know. Why am I posting a new story when I still have Lavinia and Hope and billion other things to work on. Well I'm here to tell you that the blame goes to my twitter friends. So point those fingers at SteeleSimz, HollyGoLightly and GlindaLovesShoes for BEGGING me to post this story. I was going to wait LOL.

So this fic is called The Best Mistake, or by it's other title, the one where I turn Jane into a total bastard and then find some way to redeem him. Make no mistake, you are going to HATE him during this fic, but as you'll see right off the bat, he'll come around. But be prepared for a rough ride.

* * *

The Best Mistake

Chapter 1: The First Mistake

Jane didn't like the way the man was looking at Lisbon. His eyes were glazed over with alcohol and more than once they slipped down to peek at her now ample cleavage that her blouse did little to hide. The man's lecherous gaze was fairly obvious but Lisbon wasn't seeing it, or perhaps she was but she simply didn't care. She'd had a couple too many drinks and was having a hard time focusing on anything.

He'd known this case was hard for her, not a great way to start her first week back from maternity leave. A ten-month old was murdered and as impossible as it sounded the child's own mother had been the culprit. The woman had tried to pass off hormones as her defense but Jane knew better, she'd seen the child as simply a means of receiving unconditional love and after ten-months she'd decided that she'd had enough. Lisbon hadn't been able to reconcile with the idea that a mother could kill her own child; she hadn't been able to believe that a small child was now gone from this earth. After booking he'd seen the look in her eyes and he'd had a feeling what would happen next. It would take a while for her to grow some thicker skin, it wouldn't be enough to ease the pain when cases like this came up but it would stop her from feeling the need to go to a bar and hook up with a stranger just to feel alive.

Jane was here to keep her from doing something she'd regret. That was what he told himself as he watched this drunk stranger's hands sneak up Lisbon's thigh. He knew he was just kidding himself to some degree. When said man tried to lean in for a kiss Jane gave up any pretense and walked over to them. "Lisbon, you've had enough."

Lisbon blinked up at him; her eyes were having a hard time focusing. "What are you doing here?"

"Is he your boyfriend?" the man hiccupped once and Jane had to resist the urge to say something that would undoubtedly confuse the man's muddled mind.

Lisbon snorted. "Not even close."

Jane winced. She'd said the truth; they weren't dating and never really had. They were nowhere near a relationship but somehow they had so much more than that. It was all just a confusing mess that he'd caused, ironically because he'd been drunk one night himself.

He grabbed her arm. "Come on, Lisbon. I'll take you home."

"I don't want to go," she hissed, glaring at him.

"The lady said no," the other man said sternly, it would have been a lot more threatening if he hadn't teetered on his seat as if he was about to fall over.

But Jane didn't even look at him. His eyes were on Lisbon. "Don't do this, you want to be able to look Alaina in the eyes tomorrow."

She flinched when he mentioned Alaina and turned her eyes to his. He saw a lot of anger there and it was what he deserved. After a few seconds anger was also joined by resignation and acceptance. Lisbon stood up from her stool and didn't fight him when he took her arm again. "It's pretty low when you have to play the Alaina card."

"You'll thank me tomorrow."

"I doubt it." She stopped in her tracks in the parking lot and looked up at him. "Why did you follow me, Jane?"

"I knew you would do something stupid," Jane told her honestly.

"Is that all?" Lisbon asked and she stepped closer to him, pressing her body flush against his.

For a few moments Jane struggled to keep his own thoughts in check. It was a heady combination, feeling Lisbon's body through the thin barrier of clothing, smelling the soft citrus scent of her shampoo and the tinge of alcohol on her breath. It was intoxicating and his body screamed to take what she was freely offering. But this time he was the one with the level head.

"You don't want to do this," he said softly, "wasn't alcohol what got us in this mess in the first place?"

"I wasn't drunk that night," she reminded him.

"No," Jane replied, "I was."

"And for most of the year afterwards."

He closed his eyes, fighting back the pain but he couldn't deny the truth in her words. But the reminder had the effect that was needed. Lisbon took a few steps away from him and drew in some deep breaths of fresh air. She needed to clear her head and sober up.

"Come on," Jane told her, gently taking her hand. She didn't fight him as he steered her towards the car.

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"You don't have to come in," she told him as she fumbled with the door handle to get out of the car.

"I want to."

"What if I don't want you to?"

He stopped and met her eyes. "Do you really want me to go?"

For a long moment they just stared at one another and he saw the internal battle her mind was waging. She'd been more than patient and understanding the last few months, she was on her way to sainthood after everything he'd done to her. If she told him to leave then he would do as she asked. If she told him to walk all the way to the moon he'd do it at this point.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Stay, go, do whatever you want, I don't care." He knew that wasn't true and it might not have been a proper invitation but he knew what she meant.

Lisbon unlocked her apartment door and walked in with Jane following her. A pretty blonde teenager of about fourteen was sitting on Lisbon's couch; actually she was more like lounging on it. There was a textbook next to her but she had her phone in hand and was rapidly texting with her thumbs. She looked up when she heard them walk in and quickly rose to her feet. "Ms. Lisbon, you're back early."

"Yeah," Lisbon said, her words slurring just a little.

The teenager looked from Lisbon to Jane and blushed a little. Jane realized quickly what the young girl was thinking with Lisbon being obviously drunk and bringing a man home with her. He put on a reassuring smile. "Hello, I'm Patrick, Alaina's father. I was just bringing her mother home."

The girl relaxed and smiled now too. "Hi," she blushed again this time for an entirely different reason judging by the way she looked him over; it wasn't a boast, just a fact. "I'm Sarah, I live in the complex next door."

Lisbon looked from her baby sitter to Jane and glared at both of them, reserving the real heat for him. "Let me get your money."

As she fumbled for her wallet Jane stepped closer to her. "I can take care of it," he told her softly.

"I've got it."

"Lisbon…"

"I said I've got it," she said loudly and pulled out a few crisp bills. Lisbon handed the money to Sarah. "Do you need me to walk you home?"

The teenager shook her head, tucking the money away in her pocket and grabbing her backpack. "I'll be okay."

"How was the baby?" Jane asked before she could leave.

"Oh she was fine," Sarah explained, "took a little time for her to fall asleep but she was great." She gave Jane a glowing smile before looking past him towards Lisbon, "If you need me again…"

"Thank you, Sarah," Lisbon replied rather stiffly; "I'll call you when I need a sitter again."

Sarah appeared satisfied and she shut the door behind her, leaving the two adults alone in the living room now. For a few beats they looked at one another rather awkwardly before Lisbon marched over to her kitchen and opened the fridge. "If you needed someone to watch the baby, you could have called me," Jane offered.

Lisbon snorted and twisted off the cap of a water bottle before taking a hefty swallow. "Then who would have been there to drag me out of a bar?"

So she was still a little pissed about that. "I didn't want you to do something foolish, to make some drunken mistake."

"Like you did?"

Jane felt a rush of pain but shook his head. "Alaina isn't a mistake."

"That isn't what you said six months ago."

The words hung between them like a poison in the air. Jane wanted to deny it, he wanted to tell her that she was wrong but he couldn't. Not when he'd said those exact words to her in this very room. She'd sat there on that sofa, her hands cradling her bump and her eyes staring straight ahead, not looking at him as he told her what he'd thought. _"I can't do it. Not again, not now. It was a mistake, this was always a mistake."_

"I was wrong," he said softly.

She looked like she was ready to reply with some more biting words and he would have stood there and let her vent. But a lusty wail pierced that moment. "Dammit," Lisbon said with a groan.

"I've got it," Jane assured her. He quickly walked up the stairs and down the small hallway to Lisbon's second bedroom. She'd converted it to a nursery with pink walls and a butterfly and dragonfly motif. It was beautiful and he wished he could say he was responsible for it but Grace had done most of the decorating, Cho and Rigsby had come by and pitched in one weekend as well. But he hadn't even seen it until after Alaina's birth.

The baby was laying in the white crib, wearing a light purple sleeper, her tiny limbs flailing and her face scrunched up from her tears. Jane reached in and picked her up, letting her head rest against his chest. "Shhh," he whispered, gently rocking her in his arms, "It's okay, pretty girl. Daddy's here, daddy's here."

He smiled when her cries slowed just at the sound of his voice. She hiccupped a couple of times and still whimpered but her screams were no longer deafening. He turned around when he heard Lisbon's footsteps as she walked into the room, a full bottle in her hand. "Here," she told him handing the bottle of milk to him, "I already tested it."

Jane nodded and teased the nipple to Alaina's lips. She quickly latched on and began to suck loudly, happy now that she was being fed. Jane didn't take his eyes off of the baby; it was his favorite sight now.

"You okay?" he asked her, "did you get some coffee or more water?"

"I'll be fine," Lisbon told him. She leaned over and kissed Alaina's head, gently stroking her soft wisps of brown hair. She sighed heavily. "I'm going to go to bed, just lock up when you leave all right?"

"Of course," Jane replied but his eyes were still captivated by his daughter.

Lisbon took a few steps away but stopped in the doorway. He heard her pause but he didn't move. Then her voice was very low. "I'm sorry."

Now he looked up and met her eyes. "Don't apologize, not to me. You know I'm the one who needs to say it the most."

She didn't disagree with him but seemed to mull over that for a moment, as if debating whether she should agree with his sentiments or not. Finally she just let it go. "I'll see you tomorrow." Then Jane was alone with his daughter once more.

Alaina let out a small sigh of contentment, which made Jane smile. When the bottle was empty Jane threw a burping rag over his shoulder and rubbed her back until she softly burped before sitting down in the rocking chair Lisbon's brothers had sent her, still cradling his daughter. He loved looking at her, seeing the parts of him that helped create this beautiful child, his lips, his fingers, the shape of her eyes, all pieces that he had contributed.

Some nights he would lie in bed and look at the picture of her Grace had taken in the hospital, a small pink knit cap on her head, her eyes turned up to look at her mother. Lisbon's face beheld real wonder and love for the child in her arms, the photograph not able to hide the tears in her eyes. Jane always wondered where he would have fit in the picture if he'd been there, would he have been by her side, gently cupping Alaina's head?

In the end Jane knew that all the wondering in the world was useless because it would not change the past. The only thing he could do was strive to fix the future, he knew he would spend his entire life atoning for how much he'd wronged this little girl and her mother before she was born.

Jane smiled down at the baby who was drifting back to sleep. Oh what a beautiful future it was going to be.

* * *

Her alarm clock screamed at Lisbon to get up the next morning. She groaned and rolled over to slap it, tempted to simply hurl the thing against the wall. Her brain was pounding in her skull, drumming out a bongo beat that was extremely painful. Somehow she managed to crawl out of bed while the room spun around in a circle.

Eventually she righted herself and was able to keep her eyes open past the searing sunlight that streamed through her windows. That was when she saw the glass of water and two small aspirin tablets resting by her bed. They certainly hadn't been there when she'd gone to sleep.

So Jane was exploring her home without permission again.

It went against the grain to accept anything from Jane anymore but Lisbon was desperate to get rid of this hangover. So she popped the aspirin in her mouth and gulped down the water greedily. She was setting the glass back down on the table when the baby monitor clicked to life and she heard the low whimpers of her daughter.

She sighed and stood up to her feet before making her way into the nursery. "Hey sweetheart," Lisbon said softly before picking her up and cuddling her against her chest. "Are you hungry?"

Alaina hiccupped a little and nuzzled up against her mother, she wanted to nurse. Lisbon bit her lip at the rush of guilt. After all of the alcohol she'd had last night there was no way she was going to breastfeed her daughter until it was all out of her system for good. Jane had been right, it was a mistake to do something like that. She was selfish thinking that she could find solace in a wild drunken night when she had a two-month-old daughter at home.

Lisbon leaned down to kiss Alaina. "I'm sorry, baby. I wasn't a good mommy last night." But at least she had some milk stored in the fridge; her daughter wouldn't go hungry for long.

The baby whimpered for a good few minutes while Lisbon warmed up a bottle for her but she quieted down as soon as she began to feed. Lisbon sat down on the sofa and quietly held her daughter, gazing down at the beautiful creature in her arms. Much like Jane had done last night.

She closed her eyes against the memories.

_"I didn't want you to do something foolish, to make some drunken mistake."_

_ "Like you did?"_

_ "Alaina isn't a mistake."_

_ "That isn't what you said six months ago."_

Mistakes. It seemed like that was the story of her life, one stupid mistake after another. Jane said Alaina wasn't a mistake last night, she agreed with that; her daughter might have been the one thing she did right.

But it was difficult for Lisbon to forget that Alaina was the result of a mistake, a stupid mistake that never should have happened. A mistake that led to the worst nine months of her life. She pressed her lips into a fine line and looked back down at her daughter, noting her long graceful fingers that she had inherited from Jane.

Jane. She had a child with Jane, that seemed ludicrous but here she was, in her arms. She couldn't forget that. She couldn't forget that of all of the people who had mistreated her over the years, be it hardnosed bosses or her drunken abusive father, none of them had hurt her as badly as Jane had. None of them had nearly destroyed her like he did.

All because of this.

Lisbon leaned down to kiss one round cheek. "Mommy loves you so much."

She wasn't so sure about her father though.

* * *

_Eleven Months Earlier_

_ Ten years to the day that Jane's wife and daughter were brutally killed Lisbon decided to make sure Jane took a personal day. He didn't fight her on it and she was grateful for it, she hoped that he would handle the anniversary quietly. Maybe he would spend the day watching old home movies and looking through photographs, remembering those sweet memories that he cherished._

_ Lisbon knew that it was a foolish dream._

_ The rest of team noticed Jane's absence but didn't talk about it much. They knew the significance of this day as well as she did. All they did ask was if she thought Jane was going to be okay. She didn't know._

_ She spent most of the day waiting for her phone to ring with bad news. What if Jane did something really dumb? What if he ran away again for six months? What if he was found dead in a ditch somewhere? Her mind raced with possibilities, each one getting progressively worse._

_ It was late that evening after the rest of the team had already filed out of the office that her phone finally did ring. It was Jane._

_ Her heart pounded in her chest as she answered it. "Jane?"_

_ "Is this Teresa Lisbon?" The voice of a strange woman asked._

_ Lisbon immediately started to panic. "Yes, what's wrong? What's happened?"_

_ "I'm sorry, Mr. Jane is a little…intoxicated and yours was his most recently dialed number. Do you think you can pick him up? He shouldn't drive home."_

_ She actually breathed a sigh of relief. Jane wasn't dead or missing, he was just drunk off his ass._

_ "Yeah, I'll be there."_

_ Twenty minutes later Lisbon saw a very haggard and drunk Jane at a restaurant bar. She smiled sadly at him, just glad to see that he was alive. So she came up behind him and pretended to be amused. "Well at least this time you didn't almost burn down the CBI."_

_ He turned to look at her with bloodshot and empty eyes. "What are you doing here, Lisbon?"_

_ "I'm taking you home."_

_ Jane didn't fight her and she was glad. Not when she gently tugged on his arm and guided him to her car. He didn't say a word as she drove him to the motel room she knew he lived in and wished he didn't. Finally she put the car in park but didn't say anything for a while. "Are you okay, Jane?"_

_ He was staring out the window with a look of absolute defeat. "Ten years, it's been ten years and he's still out there."_

_ "We'll get him."_

_ "I haven't yet."_

_ "We've gotten close," she reminded him, "and one day he is going to make a mistake and we will be there. He's already messed up before, we'll be ready when he does it again." But Jane didn't say anything; he didn't look like he believed her. She sighed heavily. "Come on, let's get you into bed."_

_ Lisbon helped him out of the car, keeping a firm hold on him as she led him up the stairs. He wasn't very good on his feet at the moment, no surprise given the amount of alcohol in his system. It took a few moments of her digging through his pockets before she found his room key, hidden in his vest pocket. "You know this is sexual harassment," Jane quipped. Oh good, funny drunk Jane was beginning to emerge._

_ "Shut up," she told him as she finally opened the door and ushered him inside._

_ She sat him down on the bed and knelt down to take his shoes off. Believe it or not this wasn't the first time she'd had to do this. The memory of Jane drunk off his ass during the infamous Santa Clause case bubbled to the surface and she had to bite back a few giggles as she remembered him that night. _"I'm just a little home, could you take me drunk."

_ "Something amuse you, Lisbon?"_

_ "Just remembering the last time I had to do this," she told him. Lisbon stood up and leaned down to unbutton his vest so she could take it off and make him more comfortable. That might have been a mistake._

_ Jane smelled like cheap whiskey and sweat but his warm breath fanned her face. She missed a button three times before she finally managed to slip it through; now her fingers were beginning to shake a little. She had to get this under control._

_ Lisbon finished unbuttoning his vest and looked up only to stare right into his eyes. For a very long time they just stared at one another, the only sound was their heavy breathing and her heart pounding in her chest._

_ Jane reached up to take one lock of her hair between his thumb and forefinger. "Do you remember what I said to you six months ago, after I saw you in the church?"_

_ Her breath caught in her throat, she knew exactly what he was talking about. "You said you didn't remember."_

_ "I lied." His free hand reached up to tug on her arm, trying to get her onto the bed. She was so stunned she actually did sit down but not as close as he wanted._

_ "Jane…what are you doing?" Even though she did know, she knew and that is what terrified her._

_ "What I know you want."_

_ He reached around to cradle her neck and pulled her flush against him and suddenly began to kiss her._

_ His lips were soft and sweet, he tasted like whiskey and warmth. It was a heady combination and she wanted more than anything to lose herself in it. She felt that rush, that tingly feeling, the burst of pleasure that was running through her veins. Her body screamed at her to continue but the logical part of her head was still working._

_ She pulled away, but didn't move far. "Jane, we can't do this."_

_ "Why not?" He asked, his lips moving to her place soft kisses on her cheek._

_ "Because you're drunk."_

_ "Yes," he agreed, "but that won't stop you."_

_ He leaned down and began to kiss her again. She opened her mouth to tell him why he had to stop but that became her opening her mouth to let him slip his tongue in. Lisbon lost herself in that kiss for a moment, her hands unwittingly slipping over his chest, around his neck to become buried in his blonde curls. It was amazing, wonderful, what she'd always imagined it would be._

_ But it was wrong._

_ Jane reached around to help her slip off her jacket and Lisbon managed to finally tear her mouth away from his. "Jane, why do you want to do this?"_

_ He stopped and looked into her eyes. All she saw were blue-green oceans of pain and sadness, but lust was there too. That look made the heat pool in her belly and she felt her pulse rise as it triggered her own desire. "Because for one night…or maybe just a few hours…I want to forget."_

_ Then he was attacking her again, even inebriated he realized that the best way to get her to stop thinking was to kiss her senselessly. The more he kissed her, the more she felt the warmth of his touch as his fingertips skirted the bare skin her shirt revealed, the more she lost the desire to stop. Somehow she wound up on her back with Jane on top of her and she was doing nothing to resist him._

_ She wanted this. She had for a very long time._

_ Lisbon knew they were quickly moving past the point of no return. But there was one last hint of lucidity in her as Jane began to nuzzle the warm skin of her throat. She fought back a moan and bit her lip._

_ When his hand snuck its way underneath her top to cup her breast she gave it one last shot. "Jane," she told him softly, "you're going to regret this in the morning."_

_ He closed his eyes briefly and let his breath waft across her face. Then he opened his eyes and looked deeply into hers. "I don't care."_

_ Jane leaned down and kissed her again._

_ That was it, there was no more fight left in her._

_ She was lost._

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_ It was early in the morning when Lisbon opened her eyes. She'd only been asleep for a couple of hours; it was still dark out, the only light coming from the streetlights outside. She turned her head to see that Jane was asleep for once, breathing deeply. He looked at peace, if still a bit of a mess; a shower and a shave could fix that._

_ But nothing could fix what happened._

_ She knew that Jane was going to regret what they had done when he woke up but she was already a few hours ahead of him._

_ She had to get out of here._

_ Lisbon slowly eased herself out of the bed, gently untangling herself from Jane's arm that he had wrapped around her. He shifted a little but didn't wake up and she breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing she wanted to do was have the conversation _now_._

_ Her clothes were strung out on the floor by the bed. She didn't even bother putting on her undergarments, just stuffed them in her jacket pocket in her haste to leave. Her keys were on the table and she grabbed them quickly._

_ But she stopped and looked at him for a moment. He was asleep and at peace and for a second she had the territorial claims every woman had for a man they had slept with. For those few hours…he'd been hers._

_ But he wasn't hers. No, that gold ring on his finger proved that he belonged to another woman. A ghost that was always going to come first. No matter how much she wanted it to be otherwise…Jane would never be hers._

"You're so stupid, Teresa_,_" _she thought to herself. _"This was a great idea. The man is consumed by guilt and self loathing, so of course the best thing to do on the tenth anniversary of his family's death is to have sex with him!"

_She gave him one last long look, one more moment of longing before quietly walking out of the door. She had no idea what was going to happen now, in fact there was only one thing she did know._

_ It had been a mistake_.

* * *

Jane was actually feeling very good as he walked into the CBI, spending a couple of hours with his daughter had given him the peace he'd needed to have a restful night of sleep. Not that he wasn't troubled by what had happened, though he had to admit, he didn't regret dragging Lisbon out of that bar. Oh no, that was something he was proud of.

He just regretted that there was still too much strife between them. That she couldn't accept his help with their daughter and she couldn't trust him to stay. But he wasn't mad at her, how could he be? No, everything that was horrible between them was his own fault. He could regret all of his words and actions but the only other thing he could do was try to atone for them.

He was ready to find his couch and go about his morning routine but was caught up short when he saw his couch was occupied.

Lisbon was sitting there with a stack of paperwork next to her and their daughter on her knee.

Jane felt that same warmth invade his heart at the sight of Alaina, happily sucking on her pacifier and reaching up to tug on her mother's hair. She was beautiful. They both were.

"Hello," Jane said sweetly, walking towards them, eager to touch his little girl. "Well what are you doing here, sweetheart?"

Lisbon blushed and met his eyes. "I hadn't finished the reports last night so I came in early…daycare doesn't open up for another twenty minutes."

Jane nodded and sat down on the couch next to her. "Well then, if you want to finish that I'll gladly take her off your hands."

He wasn't surprised that she hesitated but he knew that the reason she was sitting on his couch instead of in her office was precisely for this reason. She carefully placed Alaina in his waiting arms and collected her paperwork. Jane managed to tear his eyes away from his daughter long enough to meet hers. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Lisbon told him quickly.

He studied her, noticing the still slightly red eyes and the haggard look on her face. She was still suffering a little from her hangover. But she hadn't done anything foolish, that was something that had to help.

Lisbon stood up and walked back to her office without a word, leaving him alone with their daughter. He sighed a little, wishing that she would stay with him but she hadn't forgiven him yet. It was sad that they couldn't even sit down and play with their daughter together, but again, he only had himself to blame.

Jane turned his attention back to the baby in his arms. He grinned and held her up so she was looking at him. "Hi, Alaina. You want to spend some time with daddy? Does that sound good?"

His heart melted when Alaina gave him her beautiful smile, she reached up with one little hand to his face. He kissed her fingers when they passed over his lips and then tucked her in close to his chest. He could never get enough of her.

Jane barely noticed as the rest of the team filed into the bullpen but he did catch each of them stopping to stare at him out of the corner of his eye. Grace glanced at him and then primly turned her attention to her computer, making a point to ignore him. That made sense; she was the one who was angriest with him the most. He could bear that easily, after everything that she did for Lisbon during her pregnancy he owed Grace a debt that he couldn't repay.

Rigsby stared at him a little longer but had a similar reaction as Grace. He was reacting like a father, he didn't understand why Jane had handled everything the way he did. To his credit, neither did Jane. Cho was the one who was the most relaxed, he didn't say anything either but at least he wasn't surprised like everyone else, well Cho had been the one who knew even before him that he would come around.

Alaina turned her head and looked out the window, she was captivated by a sparrow that was flying outside. "I know," Jane said to her softly, "it's a bird." She smiled and the pacifier fell out of her mouth as she raised one hand towards the sparrow. He simply gazed at her for a long moment before bending down and kissing the top of her head. "You're so beautiful."

But his time with Alaina was over far too quickly. About fifteen minutes later Lisbon came in with her the diaper bag over her shoulder. "I have to take her to daycare," she told him, her voice was firm.

"I could do that," Jane pointed out, "you did put my name down when you registered her right?"

"Yes," Lisbon grumbled. She hadn't been very happy about that, but she had given in when he reminded her that logically it would be best if he was her emergency contact since he was her father. She straightened up though, "but it's her first week, I should be the one who drops her off since I'm the primary parent."

That was true. They'd had an equal role in her conception but there was no denying who was the more prominent one in Alaina's life.

Jane looked down at the baby and then back up at Lisbon. "Does she have to leave now?"

"We can't have a baby here, Jane," Lisbon reminded him.

She was right and he couldn't very well tell her otherwise. So he reluctantly handed his daughter back to her mother. But he held on to one little hand, she held on tight to his thumb. "Can I come over and see her tonight?"

Lisbon was obviously caught off guard by his question. Certainly not by the question itself, since he asked it every day. Rather it was the time. Like clockwork he asked every evening, calling her or stopping her before she left for the night to ask if he could come by and see their child.

That was their agreement. He would ask and she could tell him no if she wished.

He was pushing his luck and he knew it. She never let him see Alaina two days in a row. But he wanted more time and the words simply took on a life of their own.

She considered it for a moment, looking down at Alaina and then their joined hands, her small fist wrapped around his thumb. Lisbon met his eyes and nodded. "All right, you can come tonight, for a little while," she tacked on to the end.

Jane grinned, immediately feeling better knowing that he would get more time with her that night. "Thank you."

Lisbon gave him a numb nod and he finally pulled away from Alaina so she could leave. He watched them go with a wistful look and resumed his seat on the couch.

The three other members of the team were silent but he knew they had been watching the whole thing. No one said anything and at least two of them still simmered in anger. That was fine.

Lisbon wasn't the only one he'd hurt.

* * *

_Lisbon knew as soon as she saw Jane again that she had guessed correctly. He regretted what happened between them. She did too, but perhaps not in the same way. She regretted that things were probably ruined between them and she regretted that she was the cause for the added guilt in Jane's eyes._

_ But she wasn't entirely sure if she regretted the memories. Still, there was no way she was ever going to let him know about that._

_ He avoided her most of the morning and she did the same. He hid in his attic and she wiled away the time in her office. It was by chance that they met up in the break room. He was stirring a cup of tea and she had been seeking out the coffee pot._

_ Their eyes met and there was no way they could look away. They were completely alone, no one was around and both of them were all too aware of that fact. Lisbon swallowed heavily and tried to be brave. "Hey."_

_ Jane simply nodded but didn't take his eyes off her._

_ This was bad and ridiculous. They had to say something, had to acknowledge it. Maybe if they both agreed that it was a bad idea then they might be able to work past it._

_ "Are you…are you going to pretend you don't remember again?"_

_ Jane looked at her darkly and shook his head. "There isn't much of a point, now is there?"_

_ She sighed and stepped forward. "Jane, I…I'm sorry."_

_ "No," he told her quickly, "you don't need to be."_

_ She was a bit surprised by that statement but was glad that he didn't seem mad at her. If anything he looked upset with himself. That made her sad, if he was angry at himself it meant he really was feeling terrible about what they did._

_ He straightened and put on a cold mask. "It was a mistake, Lisbon."_

_ She nodded. "Yes it was."_

_ "It's done, it happened. We can't take it back," Jane stated, "so we move on. We don't talk about it again."_

_ Lisbon didn't miss that he never mentioned, "forgetting about it" maybe he simply knew that was impossible. But she couldn't argue with his points. "Okay."_

_ "Good," Jane said simply._

_ And apparently he meant it. He kept his cup of tea in his hand and walked around her to leave the room. She stood there for a moment, staring at the spot he had been standing in. She took in a deep breath and let it out._

_ That was it. It was over._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Three weeks, two urine soaked sticks and one doctor's appointment later, Lisbon realized that it definitely was _not_ over._

_ "No, Teresa. You do not have the flu or a virus or mono, you are pregnant."_

_ "Oh God," Lisbon breathed and buried her face in her hands._

_ Her doctor put the file aside. "I take it this was an unplanned pregnancy."_

_ "You can say that again."_

_ She took a seat in that little rolling chair next to the exam table. "Well, Teresa. You do have options, especially this early in the pregnancy. I have the name of an excellent councilor if you need some help deciding."_

_ Options. That was right, she could fix this. Make it so that it really was over. That would be the best thing for everyone involved. She wouldn't have to take time off work and Jane would be able to continue on with his broken existence._

_ Maybe she could do that…maybe._

_ But Jane wouldn't want that. He'd been a father before; surely he'd have an opinion about all of this. What if he wanted it? What if this could help him?_

_ She didn't know._

_ But apparently they did have to talk about it again._

* * *

It was around one o'clock when Grace stopped by Lisbon's office with a soft smile. "How about lunch?"

Lisbon looked up from her computer and smiled back, "Sure." Grace waited while she gathered her things. It was becoming a routine of theirs, sharing a lunch together three or four times a week.

There were two things that Lisbon didn't regret about her pregnancy, her daughter and her strong bond with Grace.

They were heading out to the café across the street. "Hey, can we stop by my car?" Grace asked, "I got some really cute things for Alaina that I'm dying to show you."

"How can I say no to that?"

Grace hadn't been kidding, she had no less than four shopping bags filled with clothes in the back seat of her car. "Oh my God," Lisbon said, "did you win a free trip to _Babies R Us_?"

"I just couldn't help myself," Grace explained and began pulling out clothes. "But look how cute these are!"

She held up one red dress with white polka dots, similar to Minnie Mouse's outfit. "That is adorable," Lisbon admitted.

"Look it's got a matching hat!"

Grace held up several more dresses, a couple of onesies and one very soft blanket that Lisbon hoped would last ten minutes before Alaina spit up on it.

"But this is my favorite," Grace told her before holding up one last dress.

It was pink, but not just any pink, it was four different shades of pink. The dress was like a giant fluffy cake with the skirt made up of several tiers, each one a darker color of pink. It looked like something a ballerina baby would wear.

"Oh my," Lisbon said and tried to put on a happy face.

"Isn't it cute?"

"Oh it's something."

Grace knew Lisbon's look and lowered the dress. "I know, it's girly."

Lisbon nodded, "No one would mistake her for a boy in _that_."

Grace shook her head and gave her a look. "You hate it don't you?"

"I'm just not sure if it's…practical," Lisbon admitted, "She's not going to be in a ballet."

That made Grace smile a little. "Well the receipt is in the bag, you can return it and get something else since you can't stand to dress her up in anything girly."

"Hey, she wears dresses!" Lisbon pointed out, "I just don't want her looking like Barbie's wedding cake."

Grace held up the dress and looked at it again. Then her eyes widened. "Oh my God! It does!"

Now both of them laughed as they took the bags over to Lisbon's car, stuffing them into the trunk. "You didn't have to get her so much stuff," Lisbon pointed out as they made their way over to the café again.

"I'm her godmother," Grace reminded her, "isn't that a part of my duties? Being able to spoil my goddaughter rotten?"

"Yes, right up there with spiritual guidance and protecting her immortal soul."

They took a seat at one of the tables outside. Grace ordered a club sandwich while Lisbon stuck with a chef's salad with fat free dressing. She was still trying to lose all of her pregnancy weight and that meant exercise and not listening to the side of her brain that really wanted a hamburger.

"I still think you went a little overboard," Lisbon said, continuing their conversation.

"Well," Grace began, "I kind of had to do it. The case was really upsetting and Rigsby kept talking about how all he wanted to do was go home and hug Ben. I know what he meant."

"You could have come over and seen Alaina."

"I didn't want to disturb you," Grace told her, "so instead I went shopping for her, it helped to know that there was a baby out there that has an amazing mom."

Lisbon choked on her water and shook her head. "I wouldn't say that."

"What's wrong?"

She sighed. "Lets just say that you handled your feelings a lot better than I did."

Grace put down her glass of iced tea and kept her eyes on Lisbon. "What did you do?"

Lisbon shook her head. "I was upset after everything that happened so I decided to just let loose. I called my neighbor's daughter, she babysat Alaina while I took a cab to a bar, got drunk and almost hooked up with a stranger."

Grace blinked a couple of times. "Wow."

"That's not even the craziest part," Lisbon told her. Grace actually leaned forward as if she was on the edge of her seat. "Jane showed up and dragged me out of there."

"What?"

"Jane followed me to the bar, got me out of there and drove me home."

Grace fell back against her chair. "Wow. What happened next?"

"Nothing." Grace didn't look convinced and Lisbon gave her a look. "No, Jane and I didn't sleep together. Not even drunk could I do that again. All he did was take me home, fed Alaina and left."

"Why did he follow you then?"

"He said he didn't want me to do something stupid," Lisbon muttered, she took a sip of her water. "He was probably right, I shouldn't have acted like a twenty-five year old, I should have stayed home with my daughter."

"You were just upset."

"That's not an excuse," Lisbon told her, "But I'm not going to do that again. Alaina is my life, I'm devoted to her."

Their food arrived and they both fell silent as they ate for a couple of minutes. Then Grace asked the question that had really been plaguing her. "How are things with Jane?"

Lisbon shrugged. "Their fine."

"Really?"

She put down her fork and folded her hands on the table. "All right, they are the same. He comes over when I give him permission and leaves when I tell him to."

"Have you forgiven him yet?"

"No, I'm not sure if I ever will." Lisbon looked down at her glass of ice water, seeing the condensation drip down the glass. "Do you think I should?"

"No," Grace said quickly, "He treated you like crap, I'm surprised you even let him be around Alaina."

"He's her father, as much as I'd love to change that fact, I can't. The best thing for Alaina is to have her father in her life…even if he is Jane."

"Not all fathers deserve to have kids."

"Jane never mistreated Alaina, he mistreated me."

"He mistreated you while you were pregnant!" Grace exclaimed, "How can you say that doesn't involve her?"

Lisbon groaned and flopped her head down on the table. "I don't know how else to handle this, Grace. If Jane is serious about being a father to Alaina then I have to give him some chance to prove it."

Grace was quiet for a bit. "Do you think he'll change his mind again?"

"I don't know," Lisbon admitted, "I'm trying to keep them at some distance so that if he does then maybe it won't hurt so much.

"Do you really think that will work?"

"No." Lisbon groaned again and covered her face with her hands. "Do you think he's serious about this?"

Grace chewed on a bite of her sandwich and thought about it. "I'm not sure about anything with him…but he was great with her this morning."

Lisbon's look softened. "He always is."

"You said he could come over tonight," Grace reminded her.

"Yes," Lisbon said softly.

"Are you thinking about letting him have more time with her?"

"No, not yet. I can't trust him, Grace…I just…I can't."

Grace smiled sadly at her. "I know."

Lisbon sighed and shook her head. "Let's talk about something else, something that I can actually wrap my head around."

The other woman laughed a little and sighed. "Then tell me about Alaina, she's gotten so big lately."

"I know!" Lisbon said, relaxing now, "she's even starting to recognize her reflection in the mirror."

The rest of the lunch hour was devoted to talking about her child. Jane never crossed their lips again.

* * *

Jane came over that evening like she said he could. Lisbon opened the door but didn't smile at him; she didn't even return his hello. "Alaina's in her bassinet," she told him before letting him inside.

He nodded and tried to his disappointment at her chilly attitude before walking inside. Alaina was lying in her bassinet, kicking her little legs and gurgling a little to herself. "Hello there, little one," Jane said in greeting. Alaina let out a little squeal as he picked her up and she actually grinned up at him.

"She likes you," Lisbon stated, her voice was flat though.

"Of course she does," Jane said, kissing the top of her head. "I'm her daddy."

Lisbon nodded but didn't take much joy in his statement of fact. She stood there for a few moments just watching him with her. Alaina was content, lying up against Jane's chest and reaching for one of the buttons on her vest. It was a beautiful sight but Lisbon was still trying to keep him at a distance.

"Now that you are here, I'm going to go take a shower." She declared. That was the best thing about Jane coming over occasionally, it let her find time to do a couple of things just for her.

Jane just nodded his head but didn't take his eyes off Alaina. While Lisbon was taking a long hot shower that did a lot to help with the tension in her muscles and her tired mind, Jane was all to happy to look after their child.

He laid back on the couch with Alaina on his chest, she was fascinated by faces right now and kept running her little fingers on his cheeks, over his lips and nose, her big blue eyes completely transfixed by what was in front of her. "I love you, Alaina," Jane told her softly.

She smiled when she heard his voice, she always did that. Jane knew why she was always happy to hear him, he didn't come over enough for her to get used to it. She could recognize his voice but didn't associate it yet with anyone but a familiar stranger. He knew that Alaina was recognizing her mother; able to tell from sight and voice that her mother was close by. She didn't know him though, he didn't see her often enough.

Jane sighed and took one of her hands and kissed her palm. "Soon, sweetheart."

But Jane regretted that promise immediately, he knew that he was going to stay and do whatever it took to get Lisbon's blessing but he honestly had no idea how long it was going to take.

Lisbon came down a half an hour later wearing comfortable sleep clothes and with the ends of her hair still slightly damp. She did look like she felt a little better though. "How is she?"

"Perfect," Jane told her honestly, "she's just about to fall asleep."

It was the truth. Alaina's head was up against his chest and her eyes were slowly drifting shut. Lisbon smiled and smoothed her fine brown hair. "She'll wake up in a couple of hours though, wanting to be fed."

Jane looked up at Lisbon. "How are you handling it?"

"I'm fine," she told him quickly.

"She isn't sleeping through the night yet so it has to be rough."

"I'm fine, Jane."

He sighed and gently placed his now sleeping daughter in her bassinet. "I just want to help, Lisbon."

She shook her head, no longer looking at him. "I don't need your help."

"Lisbon…"

"Jane, just don't," she cut him off. "We have an agreement, you can come over and see her but don't try to pretend that anything has changed."

"I'm not asking you to trust me," Jane told her, "I know that you can't believe any of this yet, I also know that the only person I can blame for all of this is myself. I just want you to know that I can do more than just give you an hour to yourself once or twice a week."

Lisbon turned to look at him and he still saw cold ice in her eyes. "Don't tell me how to raise my daughter."

"I'm not telling you how to raise _our_ daughter," Jane corrected her, "I just…I want more time with her."

"I can't give you that," Lisbon told him honestly, "not yet, not now. You treated me worse than anyone ever has before, in my whole life no one has hurt me the way you did. What right do you have to ask me to give you more?"

Jane looked down at his sleeping daughter. "Because I had an equal part in creating her."

"What about afterwards? When you told me you wanted nothing to do with her? When you ignored both of us? When you gave me an ultimatum and I refused so you didn't talk to me for months? As far as I'm concerned you are just one step above a sperm donor until you can prove to me that you aren't just going to walk away again."

"And you don't think I've done that?"

"No."

Jane sighed heavily, no longer hiding his sadness and pain. The truth was harsh and cold and no more than he deserved. "Then answer me this; can you find fault with what I've done with her now?"

Lisbon thought about his question for a minute and looked away, he knew he had her there. "You've been doing well these past few weeks," she admitted but her voice was flat.

"That's not going to change."

"We'll see." She looked back at him with a determined look on her face. "You should go, Alaina will sleep for another few hours and we both have to work tomorrow."

Jane wanted to fight her on it but he didn't have a leg to stand on. So he nodded his head. "All right," he said standing up. He took a few steps towards the doorway but stopped. "Can I come see her tomorrow?"

He knew the answer before he asked it, but it still hurt to hear it.

"No."

* * *

_Lisbon couldn't deny her nerves as she made her way up the steps towards Jane's attic. This room always reminded her how worried she was for her friend, that he was still very much a broken man and his penchant for hiding out in the attic only served to highlight this. She had no idea how he would react to the bombshell she was going to throw at him._

_ But would it be a surprise? Jane was aware of so much, was it possible he saw the signs as well? She wanted to believe that but Lisbon knew that if Jane had figured her out then he would have confronted her. No, for once she had a secret from him and there was no possible way she could keep it. She had to do the right thing, even if doing it terrified her._

_ Jane was sitting casually by the window, staring out to the street below. A cup of tea was in his hand but since no steam rose from it she could only assume it was getting cold. For a minute she stood in the doorway and debated over whether or not she should continue. It could wait another day perhaps? What was she thinking? This couldn't wait, it was too important!_

_ "Is there something you want?" Jane's voice actually made her jump. He turned around in his seat but didn't stand up. His whole demeanor was calm but distant, the same manner he had been treating her for the last few weeks._

_ She knew the reasons why and she couldn't blame him, she was doing the same thing wasn't she? They both wanted to pretend like that night never happened, they both wanted to ignore the ax that was currently hanging over their heads. If they confronted it then they might lose everything that they had built over the years so they had simply agreed to remain silent on the matter._

_ But she couldn't afford silence anymore._

_ "Jane…we need to talk about what happened."_

_ He bristled a little but his expression didn't change. "It was a mistake, we both know that."_

_ She didn't say anything, didn't do anything. A week ago she would have agreed with him whole-heartedly but now she wasn't so sure. "We still need to talk about it."_

_ He shook his head. "It's over, Lisbon. It's done, nothing more needs to be said."_

_ For a long while she stood there and stared at him. She had to tell him the truth. She had to do it. But it took so long for her tongue to move. So many possible ways to begin flashed through her mind but in the end her lips just blurted out the truth._

_ "I'm pregnant."_

_ For a few seconds Lisbon thought that Jane hadn't actually heard her. But he had. To her surprise he gave her a confused look and smiled warily. "No," he told her, it was as if he thought this was a joke…or wished it were._

_ She shook her head and watched as his eyes darkened. "No," he repeated standing to his feet, now he was several shades paler and he shook his head jerkily. "No, you can't be."_

_ "I am."_

_ He began to pace a little, moving back and forth in front of her while she remained stationary. She knew he was thinking and processing, she'd been doing that a lot herself these past few days. "Are you sure?"_

_ Lisbon nodded. "I had an appointment this morning."_

_ "And it's mine?"_

_ That question stung, mostly because Jane knew as well as she did that it was wholly unnecessary. She hadn't slept with another man in months. "Of course it's yours, I wouldn't be telling you if it wasn't," she snapped._

_ But Jane didn't seem bothered by her anger. He barely acknowledged it. If anything he looked like he was going to be sick, it was quite a shock and his reaction was understandable. "I know this is a lot to take in," she told him calmly, "I'm still trying to figure everything out myself." Lisbon took a step towards him and held her hands out in a defense measure. "I'm not trying to put pressure on you but I thought…well you deserve to know."_

_ Jane nodded his head. "Thank you for your concern but I'm not sure it was necessary."_

_ Now she was the one confused. "What?"_

_ "I'm sure you'll have this taken care of quickly."_

_ Lisbon blinked a couple of times while a painful knot twisted in her stomach. "Excuse me?"_

_ "I assume you've already set an appointment."_

_ "For what?" she asked aloud but when she saw how dark and forbidding his eyes were suddenly the answer became clear. Her lips parted in a silent gasp and she felt the blood drain from her face completely. Her mouth was dry which is why her voice was so soft. "You…you want me to get rid of it?" It was a question because she couldn't believe he was saying this, Jane wouldn't do something like this, not to her._

_ But he shrugged. "I'd have thought the solution was obvious."_

_ She gaped at him. "No," she said softly and then her voice grew louder. "No, no it's not."_

_ "You can't honestly think you can have this child."_

_ "And why not?" she asked, her body was becoming rigid with anger. What was he thinking deciding her life for her?_

_ "It's entirely inconvenient," he pointed out, "we both said it was a mistake."_

_ "That…that doesn't make the baby a mistake," she stammered out. She wasn't sure why she was defending this when she'd had similar thoughts just hours ago._

_ "You have run away from every opportunity to have a child," he reminded her, "your entire life is your job. You would have to make sacrifices that you don't really want to make, it would certainly damage your career."_

_ "There are more important things than a job," she stated and then couldn't believe she had. Her entire life had been about her work…when had that changed?_

_ "To you?"_

_ "Yes," she hissed out, "maybe. Maybe I want this baby, did you think about that?" He looked surprised by her words and the truth was…so was she. Just a few minutes ago she had been considering every option and now…now she was beginning to see that she had made her choice a long time ago._

_ Lisbon looked up at him in shock. "I want it," she whispered. Then her voice became stronger, firmer. "I want it."_

_ For a long moment he stared at her with a look that could only be described as horror. "You can't keep it, Lisbon. You can't."_

_ "Jane…"_

_ "No!" His voice was loud now. "No, I can't be a father again. I can't have another child."_

_ "So this is all about you?" she asked sarcastically, "about what you want? What about me? What about what I want?"_

_ Jane stepped forward and grabbed her shoulders firmly, looking deep into her eyes. She saw a lot of fear and anger in his gaze, so much that for a second she was actually afraid of him. "You came here to tell me and you have." Jane told her, his words short and clipped. "And I told you what I wanted. I want you to get rid of this mistake."_

_ It happened so quickly that Lisbon couldn't quite believe it. One second she was gaping up at him while he had the darkest look she'd ever seen in his eyes. Then her mind registered what he said and she snapped. She didn't feel her fist make contact with his face, but the next thing she knew he was reeling back and had one hand over his nose._

_ "Forget it you son of a bitch," she spat out._

_ They stared at one another with the anger crackling between them like a roaring flame. Her words were measured and calm but laced with real hatred. "I'm going to have this baby, Jane. Whether you like it or not. I'll do this on my own if I have to."_

_ She waited for what seemed like eternity, waited for him to tell her that he was wrong. That he hadn't meant it, that he would want to be involved with his child._

_ But Jane just stood there, his eyes dark pools of anguish, pain and fear._

_ Lisbon nodded her head. "Fine." Then she turned around and left, running away from his attic as quickly as she could. He'd hurt her enough that night; the last thing she wanted was to give him the satisfaction of seeing her tears._

* * *

__A/N: And there it is. The first of many actions by Jane that is going to make you despise him for a while. But he came around...eventually. But what did it? How did Jane go from begging Lisbon to have an abortion to begging her for more time? That's part of the journey, but be ready for a lot heart ache.

This was Jane's first big mistake...it won't be his last.


	2. The Contract

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing

A/N: Hey guys! Wow this story struck a chord with people, not even Lisbon has called Jane that many names LOL. But he's earned them and will continue to in flashbacks. Don't hate me. And it's my birthday today so of course I decided to celebrate by giving all of you a present!

I would like to note that yes, Jane is acting different then he would in most baby fics, nope he's not worshiping the ground Lisbon walks on but to be honest, don't tell me that he wouldn't be this mean. Jane is the person who locked a man in a coffin, disappeared for six months, planted evidence at a scene, and has no qualms with lying to and hurting Lisbon in a way to get his revenge, yes even pushing her away. I'm on the fence over how Jane would react in a situation like this, I even have an unpublished fic where he does act happy but I think this idea is a bit more compelling, it's more fun to watch him change then to suddenly have him accept this situation. All I can say is if you don't like the idea of Jane being a bastard and then being redeemed, don't read this fic.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Sabrina**: Thank you! I do think Jane could potentially act this way so I'm glad you approve

**Guest**: I love the name Alaina and the meaning behind it fits this fic as well. LOL rest assured, Lisbon isn't the only one who is going to punch Jane in the face during this fic, and yes he does deserve it. But he does come around, obviously the present day scenes prove that.

**Jessica**: Here it is!

**Misfit 1-3**: Awww thanks so much

* * *

Chapter 2: The Contract

It was unbelievable how little time Lisbon had to herself anymore. It seemed like the hours of the day flew by now that they were filled with diaper changes, feedings and moments spent trying to get her daughter to laugh. It was strange, a year ago her time at home was minimal at best because she knew she would spend that time trying to find something to do before she could go to work. She didn't feel alone anymore.

That didn't mean she was feeling good about herself now. In some ways she felt worse, there was enormous pressure and she no longer had the time to do simple tasks like laundry and indulging in a long hot bath. It was true that in those first few weeks she'd felt crippled by it all, even now she was still having those moments where she wondered if it really was all too much.

But now she felt at least somewhat confident that she was stronger than she knew. Apparently part of being a mom was learning how to multi-task and naptimes were the perfect times to do that.

Alaina was dozing in her bassinet for her morning nap and Lisbon was glad that it meant she finally had the time to finish doing laundry, which had piled up. Two days without Jane coming over to watch the baby meant two days without those hours to get some things done. She wondered over the wisdom of that, if Jane was willing to help why didn't she let him?

Lisbon rolled her eyes and threw another folded towel into the pile. She knew exactly why she didn't let him over as much as he claimed he wanted, she had no tangible proof that he would stick around this time. All she had was his word and coming from a notorious con artist, it was impossible for her to trust anything that came out of his mouth.

That didn't stop the guilt, even though everyone was telling her she had nothing to be guilty for. After the crap Jane pulled during her pregnancy she shouldn't have to question her motives.

She groaned and turned her attention back to the television, determined to stop thinking about her own messed up life and focus on the messed up life of make-believe characters. There was a _Friends_ marathon on and while she had always found the characters annoying and shrill, Grace loved the show and Lisbon wouldn't admit it, but she found herself laughing occasionally too.

Okay maybe a lot.

The benefit was that having it on low seemed to keep Alaina content in her dream world; apparently she hadn't just inherited her long fingers and cheekbones from Jane but also inability to sleep in absolute quiet. So Lisbon settled in for some hushed half hours of implausible plotlines and repeated laugh tracks.

It took her a moment to figure out what was going on. Apparently this was the season where Rachel was pregnant, she vaguely remembered Grace explaining that she and Ross had a one-night stand before Monica and Chandler's wedding.

A part of her didn't know why Rachel and Ross were such a big deal, especially since Ross was easily her least favorite character. Chandler was the one who had the best lines after all. But she knew enough about pop culture to know that they were the _big_ couple of the series and apparently had been "on a break" at one time or another.

Rachel waited outside of Ross's apartment to tell him about her pregnancy but as usual, things had a way of going awry. Ross thought that Rachel wanted to get back together and he didn't. Lisbon rolled her eyes at the screen when Ross said they could do it "one more time", yes Ross's ego was just _that_ big.

Of course then Rachel decided to unleash her own bombshell, she was pregnant.

_"I'm pregnant."_

_ "No…No…No, you can't be."_

Ross took the news better than Jane did, if standing there in stunned frozen silence was better than Jane's initial denial. Of course then he threw a temper tantrum and complained to the condom company, Lisbon couldn't blame Rachel for leaving after that.

But the part that had Lisbon upset was later when Ross showed up at Rachel's doctor's appointment declaring that he would be there for her every step of the way. That he wanted to be involved, that he wanted to have this baby with her…he even said they would get married.

She gaped at the screen for a moment while Ross and Rachel gazing lovingly at the ultrasound of their child. Then she hurled a folded towel at her TV.

"What a load of crap!" she said out loud. "You want to know how it would really happen? How about have Ross freak out and _demand_ she have an abortion? Have him run away and hide, declaring that he doesn't want anything to do with her!

"Then she'll have to do it alone and she'll be terrified and try to talk to him but all he does is shut her out. Have her have to depend on her friends to help her out, to baby proof her apartment and build the nursery. Have her have to beg and plead for him to care even just a little bit and be stunned when all he does is walk away because _that_ is real! Not running into the doctor's room to propose and then cry over the sonogram, not in this life."

Her chest heaved as she glared menacingly at the characters, now happily showing off the sonogram to their friends. The laugh track was playing as they all hugged and the credits rolled and Lisbon realized that she had just been shouting at her television.

She sank down on the couch and covered her face with her hands. When had she become so cynical? These were fictional characters; she shouldn't be upset by it. Especially when the truth was that she was wrong. She knew that most men didn't react that way; most men did jump into fatherhood. Some men did propose marriage to the women carrying their child…Rigsby did!

But she hadn't gotten any of that. The father of her child never gave her flowers, held her hand when she was afraid or went to a doctor's appointment to see their baby. No, she hadn't received any kindness at all until Alaina was born.

Lisbon softened and looked down at her sleeping daughter. Memories of the day she was born welled forth, a truly terrible day that did not deserve to be the birthday of someone so precious as her daughter. But it had been a turning point too and she couldn't help but remember Jane's apologies and pleas.

She hadn't seen the bastard that told her to get an abortion since Alaina was born.

_"Then answer me this; can you find fault with what I've done with her now?"_

_ "You've been doing well these past few weeks,"_

_ "That's not going to change."_

_ "We'll see."_

That was the truth. She couldn't believe him and she really had no reason to. Her brothers thought that she shouldn't let Jane near Alaina, Grace agreed with them, Rigsby was on the fence and who the hell knew what Cho was thinking? Still, she could see why she shouldn't let him see her.

So why was she?

Alaina let out a small whimper and then a sharper cry. Lisbon reached into the bassinet to pick her up, cradling her against her chest. "Shhh, sweetheart, shhhh."

The baby calmed down, blinking her eyes sleepily once more. Lisbon hummed lightly under her breath and kissed her head, lulling her daughter back to sleep. She remembered watching Jane do the very same thing the week before.

As much as she hated him…she loved seeing him like that.

Perhaps that was the reason why she was letting Jane see Alaina now, even after everything he'd done to her. Because if she didn't then he would never have the opportunity to prove he would stay.

It was a start…but nothing would erase what he did.

* * *

_Lisbon was sure that Jane would change his mind; he would just need a little time. It was frightening to suddenly find out that a baby was on the way and he'd overreacted. He was afraid, so was she and she could understand that reaction. Her first thoughts when she found out she was having a baby was to find a way to solve the problem, it wasn't until a little later that she realized she wanted to have it._

_ Jane would want this baby once the panic wore off, she'd been certain of that in those early days._

_ But the days stretched to weeks and he never said a word._

_ She woke up to her phone ringing around her eighth week. "Lisbon," she mumbled, still groggy since it was early and being pregnant also meant being constantly tired._

_ Lisbon listened as the dispatch officer rattled on about a case in the Sacramento area; SACPD was overworked and needed help. Her team was on call._

_ But she was barely hearing her because now she was feeling very sick. "Mhmmm," Lisbon said, trying very hard not to open her mouth. But the nausea refused to leave, in fact, it got worse._

_ She stood up quickly and all but ran to the bathroom while still keeping the phone pressed to her ear._

_ "Are you able to accept the—?"_

_ "Yes, we'll do it," Lisbon told her quickly, she'd never spoken his fast in her life, "just call the other members of my team."_

_ Then she hung up the phone and vomited into her toilet. She heaved for a long time until she felt like her insides were all rung out and there was nothing left in her. Then she leaned down and rested her forehead against the cool porcelain. So much for thinking that she would just coast past the morning sickness._

_ Lisbon sighed and looked down at her still flat stomach. "Okay kid, you better be really, really cute when you come out."_

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ An hour later she learned that morning sickness didn't go away just because she'd already thrown up that morning. She'd tried eating some dry toast and sipping some Sprite she'd had in the fridge but so far she still felt like her stomach wanted to make a return appearance._

_ Somehow she managed to make it to the crime scene without getting sick again but her stomach lurched as soon as she stepped foot on the ground. The first thing she noticed was that Jane had beaten her to the scene, for a brief moment their eyes met but then he looked away. Her heart cracked at the obvious snub, he still wasn't talking to her._

_ "You look like hell," Cho was quick to point out as she made her way to the body._

_ "Thank you, Cho," she remarked dryly. She knew he was right, she felt like hell too._

_ The body was in the wooded area and the coroner was already at work, examining the body and determining the time of death. Lisbon was feeling like she could actually do this until she saw and smelt the blood. Then her stomach did another somersault._

_ "Looks like a stabbing," the coroner explained, "Assailant hit his carotid artery which is why there is such a mess."_

_ "This should be quick," Rigsby pointed out, "The guy had to have been covered in blood."_

_ "It wasn't planned," Lisbon agreed, now she was trying desperate to hold her breath_

_ Jane was doing what he normally did, poking around in the bushes and trees. "Except he waited right here for the victim to come." He pointed to the heavy packed dirt and two cigarettes that were by the tree._

_ The forensic guys immediately rushed over to bag the evidence while Lisbon's team figured out what it meant. "So it was premeditated, why the mess?" Cho asked._

_ Jane shrugged. "Excitement, opportunity, or maybe we are watching a budding killer emerge."_

_ "Not a very smart one if he left his DNA behind."_

_ "No one said he was."_

_ Lisbon nodded her head. "We still need to I.D. the body and canvas the are, Rigsby, Cho why don't you…" she could finish the sentence as her pitiful breakfast made it's ascent. "Oh God," she said before hurrying as fast as she could. She barely made it outside the taped off area before she vomited behind one of the trees._

_ "Boss, you all right?" Rigsby asked, he and Cho came over quickly to check up on her._

_ She nodded but heaved a couple of more times until she could stand straight again. "I'm okay."_

_ "You have the flu or something?"_

_ "I'll be fine," Lisbon said, dodging the question, "just not feeling so great today."_

_ Cho gave her a careful look. "You should head to the office, stay there and rest up."_

_ "Good idea," she murmured, she was all too happy to get away from the embarrassment of throwing up at crime scene and maybe finding some rest on the white couch in her office._

_ She turned to see that Jane was still standing several feet away, not looking at her. He knew the real reason for her stomach troubles, heck he was responsible for it…but he didn't say a word._

_ That was the first time Lisbon wondered if maybe Jane would never come around._

* * *

The morning air was crisp and clear, just chilly enough to make running the path around the park feel pretty damn good. Still Lisbon had Alaina bundled up in a small coat and little pink hat while she happily sat in her stroller as her mother ignored the ache in her side.

Grace didn't even seem winded and Lisbon hated her for that. But she wasn't the one who was out of shape after being pregnant either. "This doesn't seem fair," Lisbon said in between her heavy breaths.

"What isn't fair?"

"I celebrate every pound Alaina gains," Lisbon explained, "But I have to _lose_ weight."

Grace grinned. "She's a baby, they are supposed to be chubby and cute."

"Lucky kid."

Her friend laugh and shook her head, her long red hair tied back in a loose ponytail. Wearing stretchy pants and a sports bra with no makeup she still looked like a knockout. Lisbon was wearing a t-shirt to hide the extra pounds around her waist.

"Doesn't breast feeding burn like five hundred calories a day?"

Lisbon nodded. "Yeah, but you really think that's enough?" She stopped in her tracks and took a quick breather, groaning a little. "Ugh, it sucks. My sister-in-law was bragging that she lost all of her pregnancy weight six weeks after she had Daniel."

"Yeah," Grace said, running in place, "but that's not a fair comparison, she was younger than you."

Lisbon looked up and glared at her friend. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Now the other agent looked a little afraid. "Well…wasn't she?"

"I'm not twenty five," Lisbon pointed out, "but I'm not old."

"No one said you were," Grace reminded her, "But things change after you hit thirty."

Lisbon grunted and resumed running. For a moment they both remained silent except for their heavy breathing and the sound of Alaina's stroller rolling over the pavement. "You know, I can't be that old. Not if my dusty old uterus still managed to pop out one kid."

Grace laughed and shook her head. "Especially with Jane. What are the odds? One time, it's like a fluke."

"Yeah," Lisbon agreed, "But not so much, we weren't exactly protected."

Grace stopped in her tracks. "You didn't have protection?"

"Jane is basically a monk unless he's seducing someone to get to Red John," Lisbon pointed out, "and I wasn't _planning_ to have sex with him. I didn't have anything and if he did, he didn't bring it out."

"You guys didn't even have a condom and you still had sex with him?"

Lisbon blushed a little. "You know Jane, he can convince you to do anything."

Grace gave her a smug look as they resumed their running. Lisbon knew she was still looking at her and tried to ignore it but then the inevitable happened. "How was it?"

She stumbled in her step but stayed upright. "Oh God, tell me you did not just ask me that."

"What?"

"Oh my God, Grace!"

"Like you have never thought about the guys like that?"

"There is a _baby_ present, remember?"

Grace giggled. "She's too young and you know it. Come on, admit it, you've thought about it."

"No," Lisbon told her quickly, "I've never thought about it with Cho or Rigsby, and don't tell me about Rigsby! I don't want to know!"

Grace raised an eyebrow, noting Lisbon's omission. "What about Jane?" Lisbon didn't say anything but kept on running. Grace grinned. "You_ did _think about Jane! Ha!"

"So what if I have!" Lisbon defended herself, "I actually did sleep with him, it went somewhere."

"What does that even mean?"

"I don't know," Lisbon admitted sheepishly, "especially since sleeping with him was probably the biggest mistake of my life."

"Maybe," Grace agreed, "but you got Alaina, so it couldn't have been that bad."

"No," Lisbon said smiling softly now, "I can't argue with that."

Grace got that smug smile on her face again. "And it sounds like it was pretty good on it's own."

"We are _not_ going to talk about it," Lisbon declared.

"Oh come on, I just want a few details, I won't tell anyone."

"You seriously want details about me having sex with Jane?"

"I'm just curious."

Lisbon rolled her eyes and shook her head. She was never happier to hear her cell phone ring. "Lisbon," she said as soon as she stopped running and answered. Sure enough it was a dispatch officer droning on about a new case. "Okay… all right…thanks." She hung up her phone and sighed. "Body was found in the city park. We're the ones on call, shit!" She declared and then immediately regretted it. "Sorry, Alaina."

They both quickly turned around to head back to their cars. "You have a change of clothes don't you?"

"Yes," Lisbon told her, "but daycare is closed on Saturday, I was hoping that this wouldn't happen until I figured out what do with Alaina if a case came up on a weekend, but look what good that did me."

Grace nodded. "You should get a nanny, didn't Rigsby give you several names?"

"Yes but Ben's mother is a lawyer who makes good money from a good firm," Lisbon reminded her, "I can't afford a nanny, at least not one that doesn't need to be drug tested on a weekly basis."

Grace was quiet for a moment and then offered. "If you're serious about letting Jane get involved, you could split the costs."

"I'm not asking Jane for money," Lisbon told her firmly, "Especially since I can't trust him to stick around."

They both made it to the car and Lisbon pulled out a bottle of water, taking a deep gulp of it and sighing once more. Grace took a sip of her own water before giving Lisbon a smile. "Hey, let me take Alaina. I'll watch her at the CBI while you go to the crime scene."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, just call it a part of my godparent duties."

Lisbon actually smiled and gave her a shallow hug. "You are the best, Grace."

It took a few minutes for them to switch Alaina's car seat to Grace's car, put the stroller in the trunk and load up the diaper back full of her toys. But Lisbon leaned down to kiss her daughter. "I'll see you in a couple of hours sweetie, be good with Aunt Grace."

"Say goodbye to mommy," Grace said sweetly, raising Alaina's little arm so she waved back.

Lisbon felt the familiar sadness as she loaded up into her car, even though she knew it was only for a couple of hours and she would be able to reclaim her again soon…she still hated to leave her child behind.

* * *

_Lisbon kept her pregnancy a secret for another two months, until she was two weeks past the first trimester. She would have continued to go on with the ruse but she knew that the team needed a distraction or they might get to the root of the problem. They hadn't said anything but she wasn't a fool either, she knew they were all wondering what was going on between her and Jane._

_ They hadn't spoken much at all after she hit him in the attic. They carried on with the job but they barely looked at each other anymore. Lisbon didn't know if Jane was feeling ashamed of himself or not, but she refused to speak to him mostly because she was afraid that he would tell her to have an abortion again._

_ The day before she'd overheard Rigsby talking to Cho about how things were weird between them, he thought that maybe Jane had gotten her in trouble again. A distraction was needed and she knew for sure that she wouldn't be able to hide it much longer anyways._

_ So she decided to just rip the band-aid off. She walked into the bullpen late in the evening, before they would all start trickling out of there. Jane was lying on his couch but she ignored him, she was getting pretty good at that._

_ "Hey boss," Rigsby said cheerfully, "We were thinking about getting a couple of beers in a minute, you want in?"_

_ She'd love to but she couldn't really drink alcohol at the moment, which sucked because if there was any time she wanted to be drunk it was now._

_ "Uh, no but thanks," she said clearing her throat and wiping her sweaty palms on her pant legs. "I…I actually have something important to tell you guys." The three of them looked up at her with blank expressions, waiting to here whatever the news was, maybe something as mundane as she wanted them to switch to blue ink when signing reports._

_ "I…I'm…I'm pregnant," the words tumbled from her lips clumsily but they still were out there._

_ And three identical expressions of shock appeared on their faces._

_ For a very long moment there was nothing but silence as they all gaped up at her. She wondered who would break composure first. She won that bet when Grace stood up and pulled her in for a hug. "Oh my God, that's so great! Congratulations!"_

_ Lisbon wasn't entirely comfortable in the hug but she was glad that finally someone was happy to know she was going to have a baby. "Yeah, congratulations," Rigsby said smiling up at her and Cho nodded his head in agreement._

_ "Thank you," she told them honestly, "I really need your support." She didn't divulge why. "Obviously things are going to change, I'll have to stop going out in the field so much which means you guys will have to step up," she turned and smiled at Grace. "And you'll be getting more field work."_

_ The redhead's eyes sparkled. "I'm okay with that."_

_ "I thought so."_

_ The rest of them laughed lightly and Rigsby shook his head. "When are you due?"_

_ "Oh not for another six months, I'm at fourteen weeks now so I guess things will be getting interesting."_

_ He nodded and smiled. "Actually it makes sense now, all the hormones."_

_ She gave him a dirty look. "I haven't been acting differently…have I?" Suddenly three pairs of eyes looked anywhere but at her. She did a quick run through of the last few weeks and some of the more odd encounters she'd had at crime scenes. "So I cried once…"_

_ Rigsby started coughing while Grace hid a smile behind a folder. Lisbon grimaced, "This is going to get a lot worse isn't it?"_

_ "Yep," Cho said simply._

_ "Great," Lisbon muttered and sighed heavily. Then she gave them a big smile. "Thank you for supporting this, I…I haven't even told my brothers yet so it means a lot that you guys are happy for me."_

_ "Anytime boss," Rigsby told her and she knew he meant every word._

_ She nodded her head and turned to go back to her office and finish some more paperwork before heading home and telling her brothers the big news. But it was an involuntary reaction as her eyes moved towards the couch where the father of her unborn child was lounging. She felt pain pierce her heart when she saw that he hadn't moved, he still didn't want to look at her._

_ Lisbon wondered if any of them would notice that Jane hadn't said a word about the baby yet. Maybe not…but she had and she felt another piece of her heart splinter and break away._

_ She didn't know if it could break anymore._

* * *

There was a crowd of women surrounding Grace's desk when the rest of the team returned from the crime scene. Jane wasn't surprised at all, the same thing had happened whenever Lisbon brought Alaina to the office. If there was a baby or a puppy it was guaranteed to trigger this response in the secretaries of the CBI.

Rigsby stopped in his tracks and stared at the crowd by Grace's office. "Why don't I ever bring Ben to the office?"

"Because you don't want to use your child to get a date," Lisbon remarked dryly.

"Speak for yourself."

Lisbon rolled her eyes and tried to fight through the throng to get to her daughter. Currently Abby from HR was cooing over Alaina, holding her close to her generous bosom. "Oh aren't you just the most precious little thing ever?" She caught Lisbon's eye and smiled, "she looks just like you."

"Thank you," Lisbon said genuinely, "I think I'll keep her."

Jane shook his head at her little joke, smiling the whole time. Apparently she wasn't above making obvious puns.

"Well, we have work we have to do," Lisbon pointed out with a tight smile, "so uh, maybe you can come back and see her another time?"

There was a chorus of awwwws but Abby put on a bubbly expression on her face. "I guess you need to go back to mommy now." And she handed Alaina back to her mother. The baby let out a big yawn, which brought on another round of squeals from the ladies before they turned to leave.

That was when they caught sight of Jane. Then they were all reduced to giggling and whispering amongst themselves while sneaking looks back at Lisbon. The gossip had long since made the rounds that the special agent and her consultant had a child together now, but Jane knew that so many unanswered questions meant it was gossip that refused to die completely.

"Sorry about that," Grace told her, "they just kind of multiplied after awhile."

Lisbon smiled and shook her head. "I thought she was going to be kidnapped the first time I brought her here."

Jane walked over to the two women, even though Grace shot him a look that said he wasn't welcome. "Well you can't fault them for that," Jane said, gently holding Alaina's small fingers in his. "She's irresistible, which means we know she takes after at least one of her parents."

Lisbon gave him a look; she thought he'd been talking about himself. Alaina cooed a little and then grabbed his finger, wrapping her fist around it. He loved that, loved when she held on tight.

"I can watch after her," Jane offered. He had ulterior motives of course. He hadn't gotten to see Alaina in two days and that had just been for an hour before she fell asleep. He'd love it if Lisbon would let him cover on a weekend so he could spend more than a couple of hours with her but so far she'd always said no.

Lisbon looked at Grace and then back at her daughter. "Actually she needs to be changed."

"I can do it."

"No, that's all right," Lisbon told him politely. "I'll have to feed her afterwards anyways." She grabbed the diaper bag and threw it over her shoulder before giving Grace a big smile. "Thanks for watching her while I was at the scene."

"Anytime," Grace replied happily. It was true, Grace was more than willing to pitch in and help Lisbon just like Jane was. The difference is that Lisbon would accept _her_ help.

Lisbon nodded and made her way out of the bullpen but Jane followed her. "I'm serious, I'd love to watch her today if you need me to."

"I'm fine, Jane," Lisbon told him. Alaina let out one small cry and Lisbon bounced her up and down to quiet her down a bit.

"Lisbon…"

"Look, Jane, she needs to be changed. We can talk about this later." She stepped around him and hurried to her office where she could privately take care of their child…alone.

Jane watched her go feeling empty and sad. He hadn't held his daughter in two days. That wasn't right…but he didn't have any right to say otherwise, not to Lisbon. He thought about letting it go, just swallowing his mistake and remaining patient but he hated being the one who didn't know everything.

He made his way over to Grace who did her best to ignore him completely, well he wasn't going to take that. "Lisbon is doing okay, right?"

"What?" Grace asked, sounding more than a little annoyed.

"I just want to make sure she's not overwhelmed."

Grace gave him a look and then pointedly turned her attention back to her paperwork. "She's doing fine."

"She talks to you," Jane reminded her, "if she's having problems, she'd tell you."

"She's not having problems," Grace told him, exasperated, "and if she was I sure as hell wouldn't tell you."

"I'm Alaina's father," Jane stated, "I should know what is going on."

"Then ask Lisbon."

"She wouldn't tell me."

"With good reason," Grace muttered and went back to filling out forms.

Jane watched her for several moments, trying to see if there was any way he could get her to at least understand his feelings on all of this. "Grace…I haven't seen my daughter in two days. I only get snatches of time with her when Lisbon lets me…I just…I want to know, I want to help."

The woman turned her eyes to him but there was no warmth there. "You think I should feel sorry for you? I _don't_. I'm not even sure if you should be allowed to see her but it isn't my call. You told her you wanted _no_ time, as far as I'm concerned, be grateful that you even get to see her, it's a lot more than you deserve."

He was quiet and didn't hide the pain of her words. He had no arguments, no excuses for his behavior. "I love her, Grace."

"You love her, _now_ or so you claim. What I want to know is why you couldn't love her nine months ago?"

Jane shook his head. "I don't know."

It was the truth. He remembered saying and doing those terrible things, he remembered ignoring Lisbon and turning to alcohol more and more as her belly grew. He knew he'd done them but he couldn't explain why. They were the memories of a stranger.

And he was still paying for them.

* * *

_It took a few days for her team to start getting around to the true question on their minds. Who had fathered the child she was carrying? None of them wanted to come right out and ask who he was so they contented themselves on throwing out possibilities around when she was out of earshot. Jane was the only one who refused to have a part in it; they still didn't know why he didn't want to talk about Lisbon or her baby at all._

_ Lisbon knew it was coming, she just didn't know which one would finally work up the courage to ask first._

_ She got her answer when she was driving back from an interview with a victim's employer with Grace in the passenger seat. Grace was talking about the baby, what else? She was trying to talk about names, wondering if Lisbon wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl when she said absentmindedly. "But I'm sure you'll have talked it over with the father."_

_ Lisbon couldn't hide her wince, and she clutched the steering wheel in a bone-crushing grip. Grace noticed. "Boss…is everything okay?"_

_ "No," she admitted, unwilling to lie in this area, there wasn't much of a point anyways. "I…I haven't talked to him about finding out the sex."_

_ Grace didn't miss the sad edge in her voice. "You have told him about the baby haven't you?"_

_ Oh she wanted to smile at Grace's naivety, the woman thought that it was simply a matter of telling him._

_ Lisbon nodded. "I told him a couple of months ago." She took in a deep breath and let it out before explaining further. "He doesn't want to be involved."_

_ Grace gasped and looked down at her hands, obviously feeling guilty for bringing this up at all. "I…I'm sorry."_

_ "Don't be," Lisbon told her in a casual voice that she wasn't feeling at all. "I gave him the chance and he turned it down, it just means I'll have to do this by myself. It's okay, really."_

_ Grace nodded and then finally looked up again. "Maybe he'll change his mind."_

_ Lisbon did smile now, a bitter smile of pain. "No, he won't." She sighed again. "They aren't all like Rigsby, some guys just can't handle it."_

_ There was a long moment of silence as Grace struggled to think of what to say. She settled on poor humor. "Well, if you give me his name I'm sure Cho and Rigsby would be happy to have a talk with him."_

_ She almost laughed. Her brothers had said nearly the same thing but in that case she actually did tell them who the father was. They wanted to come down here and kill him and she'd spent half the night convincing them not to do that. It was the reaction somebody was supposed to have when someone they cared about was being hurt._

_ She couldn't help but wonder what Grace would say if she knew that the man they were talking about was actually Jane._

_ But Lisbon held her tongue; she was going to keep this secret._

_ She didn't want them to know how stupid she had been._

* * *

Jane quietly knocked on the door to Lisbon's office, which was unusual in and of itself, before peaking inside. She was sitting at her desk looking through reports on her computer, her chin resting on her hand. She glanced at the door for a second before looking away. "Something you want?"

"Cho and Rigsby are bringing in Timothy White."

"I know, they told me." She looked up at him again. "You think he did it?"

Jane shook his head. "He hated our victim but this was a crime of real passion, not maliciousness."

"And that means…?"

"I think we need to talk to Jessica Hale again, she's hiding something and I want to figure it out."

"Of course you do," Lisbon replied. She pushed away from her desk with a small sigh. "Let's see what White has to say before I let you off your leash."

He raised an eyebrow at her comment. "That implies you have me on one in the first place."

She glared at him before turning her attention back to her computer. "I wish I did have a leash, it would be easier to keep an eye on you."

Jane grinned and walked over to her desk. Alaina was resting in her carrier; dozing softly He reached down to gently caress one hand. "Don't wake her up," Lisbon warned him.

"I know," Jane replied but he didn't move away, he just kept letting his thumb stroke her soft baby skin. "How long has she been asleep?"

"A couple of hours," Lisbon explained, "She'll wake up hungry in a minute."

He finally stepped away from Alaina to take a seat across from Lisbon's desk. She glanced back at him, clearly surprised that he was sticking around. "What is it, Jane?"

He studied her for a moment before beginning. "I want you to know that you can come to me if you need help."

She raised an eyebrow. "What is this about?"

"You didn't have to ask Grace to watch Alaina, I would have done it."

"Grace was with me when I got the call and she was going back to the CBI anyways," Lisbon reminded him, "We needed you at the scene."

"Yes, but if you hadn't you still wouldn't have called me." Lisbon didn't say anything; he knew that she knew that he was right. There was no way she would have called him for help by any means. "I'm Alaina's father, I should be the first person you turn to for help, not Grace."

"I trust Grace," Lisbon pointed out.

He sighed. "I know, and I know that I have given you every reason to doubt me…I'm trying, Lisbon. But I can't prove it to you if you don't let me try."

"I am letting you try," Lisbon reminded him, "I'm letting you see her, my brothers think I'm crazy that I'm even talking to you. Do you have a problem with our arrangement?"

"To be honest…yes," Jane told her, "I don't get to see Alaina nearly as much as I want and you don't give me the opportunities I need to let you know I won't leave. Our deal has rather skewed terms that are in your favor."

"You told me that I was alone," Lisbon said, "I have to do what is best for my child, that means making sure that her father doesn't cut and run when he gets afraid again."

"I won't, I love her too much." She wasn't convinced and really there wasn't a way he could prove it now. "But I can't get you to see that if you continue to shut me out."

"I don't know what else to tell you," Lisbon told him, "I can't let you come over whenever you want and I can't just magically forget what you did to me."

"I'm not asking you to, and I'm not telling you that you have to let me see her every day."

"Then what is it?"

He was quiet for a minute and then met her eyes. "If I'm with you…let me hold her, let me help you if you need it. Don't be like this morning and walk away without letting me see her, please."

Lisbon looked more than a little surprised by that request. He knew it was simple but that it was a step in the right direction. She had to see that she was hurting him every time she walked away with their daughter in her arms. He watched as she thought back to that morning and he saw the slight veil of guilt cover her eyes, that was a good start, it meant she knew that he'd been hurt.

She slowly nodded her head. "Okay…okay, I won't just walk away again. You're her father, that entitles you to a few minutes with her at least."

Well it wasn't exactly what he was hoping for but he would take it.

Before he could thank her, Alaina began to whimper as she slowly roused from sleep. Lisbon sighed and stood up. "Now she's hungry." Jane nodded, he wanted to make sure he remembered that cry to distinguish it when he was finally able to spend more time with her.

Now he was a little surprised as Lisbon began digging through the diaper bag. "You aren't going to breastfeed?"

She shook her head. "I still have a bottle of milk that she should eat and I'm trying to wean her off the breast so it'll be easier when she's in daycare."

"Is she doing okay with it?"

Lisbon shrugged. "Not really, but she's still getting used to it."

She finally pulled out a bottle of milk from the diaper bag and set it on the desk. Jane eyed it and decided that maybe now was a good time to press his luck. "Can I feed her?"

Lisbon turned to look at him, again caught off guard by his question. "Are you serious?" He nodded and she looked back at Alaina, clearly torn at the moment. But obviously their little discussion had struck a chord because she slowly nodded her head. "All right."

Jane grinned and carefully lifted Alaina out of her carrier, she was still whimpering and thrashing a little, demanding to be fed. "It's okay, sweetheart, it's right here." Jane said, taking up the bottle of milk and guiding the nipple to her mouth.

Alaina turned her head away, Lisbon had been right; she wasn't as keen on the bottle yet. But he teased her lip with it again and she finally started to suck down the milk. She made soft little gasping sounds as she ate and Jane loved every second of it. It was only the second time he had ever had the chance to feed her like this.

Finally he looked up and met Lisbon's eyes. "Thank you." She smiled softly at him and sat back down at her desk to resume her work. For a minute there was just the clacking of computer keys and Alaina's gentle breathing. Jane decided to push his luck one last time.

"May I see her tonight?"

Lisbon paused in her work and was completely still. Then she nodded her head. "Okay, you can see her tonight."

Jane smiled and resumed gazing at their daughter while she went back to work. It wasn't much but it was a step…that was all he'd asked for.

* * *

_Lisbon watched the image on the black and white screen, it was difficult for her to make out at first but then she saw it, something that looked like a big grey grapefruit. Then she could make out the shape of a hand and the spinal cord. "Oh my God, there it is!"_

_ Her doctor grinned and nodded. "Yes, there's your baby." She kept on hand on the monitor and then pointed at the screen. "There's the heart…and the brainstem…and that's an arm."_

_ "Is everything okay?"_

_ "Everything looks beautiful," she explained, "good strong heartbeat. No developmental problems as far as I can see. But an amnio would tell us more."_

_ "No," Lisbon told her quickly, "no amnio. I don't want to risk a miscarriage."_

_ "The risk is minimal and it could tell us a lot."_

_ "I know…but I don't want to take any chances."_

_ Her doctor nodded. "That's your prerogative and I don't see any indications that you have anything to worry about."_

_ "Good," Lisbon said, leaning back against the exam table, happy and content just to look at her baby. She didn't understand how anyone could not be happy when seeing something so beautiful._

_ And that was when she began to hope._

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_ Lisbon waited until everyone else was gone, it was just Jane sitting on his couch. She fingered the sonogram photo in her pocket and really hoped that it would be enough. Then she took in a deep breath and adjusted her top one last time, her bump was beginning to show, just enough for people to wonder about._

_ Then she entered the bullpen and ignored her shaking hands. "Jane…I wanted to talk to you." She began carefully, faltering a little when she saw his cold eyes._

_ "About what?"_

_ "You know what we need to talk about," she told him._

_ He shook his head. "I already told you, nothing more needs to be said."_

_ "You cannot be serious."_

_ "I don't know how else to prove it to you."_

_ Lisbon stood there stunned for a minute, her heart pounding a mile a minute. She had to get him to see that something beautiful was happening. "Jane, I had a sonogram…just take a look at it."_

_ "No, Lisbon. I don't want to."_

_ "But Jane…"_

_ "No!" He exclaimed standing up from the couch. "I told you what I wanted months ago."_

_ "I'm not having an abortion."_

_ "Well that's you prerogative," Jane replied matter-of-factly, "If you think that you can do this, that you can keep this child safe, then good for you. But if you are going to do this then it's going to be alone."_

_ She gaped at him. "What?"_

_ "I don't want anything to do with this," he repeated firmly._

_ A tear slipped from her eye and then another. "Why?" she asked, wincing at how her voice cracked._

_ He took in one breath and let it out. "I already had a family, Lisbon. I don't want another. Especially not this way."_

_ "But…this is your child."_

_ "I don't want it," Jane told her, "not now, not with Red John out there."_

_ "You can't put your life on hold for him," Lisbon replied, "I'm not going to kill this baby because of some monster out there that you can't stop obsessing over."_

_ "Then don't," Jane said simply, "but don't expect me to support you." Then he picked up his jacket and book and began to walk away._

_ Lisbon turned to watch and before she could stop herself, one word slipped from her lips. "Please."_

_ But he didn't even turn around._

* * *

Lisbon was happy as she hummed lightly under her breath while Alaina sucked on her breast She knew that it was important to wean Alaina off the breast to make it easier now that she was back at work but sometimes this was the only way to get her to eat. Besides, Lisbon liked breastfeeding; it made her feel even more connected to her child.

Her daughter let out a small cough and turned her head away. Lisbon picked her up and set her against her shoulder, which was covered with a rag. She lightly rubbed her baby's back until she heard the tiny burp before setting her back down in her arms, pulling her shirt back down so that she was decent again.

Lisbon grinned at her baby. "Hello, pretty girl. Can I see your pretty smile? Will you smile for Mommy?" Her voice was high and soft and in a moment she was rewarded with Alaina's wide and beautiful grin. "That's the smile I was looking for." She leaned down and kissed Alaina's head. "I love you, baby girl."

A knock on her door interrupted the mother-daughter time. Lisbon knew who it was before she even sat up to answer it. Jane had asked her earlier and asked if he could stop by, she'd considered telling him no but she knew that he hadn't seen Alaina in a couple of days, respecting her wishes. So she'd decided to let him come over now, mostly because she felt guilty every time she said no.

She balanced Alaina in her arms as she awkwardly unlocked and opened the door. Jane smiled as soon as he saw his daughter. "Hello, Alaina," Jane reached over to take his daughter into his arms and Lisbon didn't fight him for control this time. She was beginning to really like the sight of him holding their child.

Jane kissed her head and held her close. "I missed you," he said sweetly and Lisbon almost believed it. But her walls were too tall to believe in this completely, not yet at least. She stepped aside and let him into her apartment. He turned to look at Lisbon and gave her a grateful smile. "Thank you for letting me come over."

"It's nothing," she told him even though that wasn't the case. They'd set the terms after Alaina's birth…actually she'd set the terms and Jane had admitted that he had no right to fight her on it, not after everything he had put her through. Still, she sometimes felt guilty that Jane had to have her permission to see his child, but all she needed to do was remember that it wouldn't have been this way to begin with if Jane had accepted all of this when she gave him the chance.

Jane took Alaina with him into the living room, sitting down in the very spot she had been sitting in just a few moments before. "I fed her just a minute ago," Lisbon told him, "she'll probably go to sleep soon."

"That's okay," he said, his voice cute and soft. "Even babies need their beauty sleep."

Lisbon bit back a smile; sometimes Jane's jokes were just so bad they were funny. That was something she had missed after she'd gotten pregnant, he hadn't been in any kind of mood to be funny and she hadn't wanted to hear it. They weren't back to the banter that they'd had before their one-night-stand but at least he was being himself again.

Since Jane was here and preoccupied with the baby, she took this opportunity to get a few things done. There was a stack of laundry that needed to be folded and more paperwork that needed to be done, it seemed like the world hadn't stopped when she was on maternity leave after all. She was in and out of the room but she caught glimpses of Jane gently talking to Alaina, lulling her in his arms until she was finally asleep. He let her sleep in his arms for a few minutes before placing her in the bassinet by the sofa.

Lisbon knew he wouldn't leave, not until she told him to. Right now she didn't see the need to make him go yet, he'd only just arrived. Let him spend a few more minutes with his daughter while she finished her chores.

To her surprise, the next time she walked into the living room she saw him rummaging around in the drawers of the end table. "What are you doing?" she asked, not really angry that he was rifling through her things, she actually expected that of him.

"I'm looking for that CD I got for you."

Lisbon grimaced. "I hated that thing."

"It's supposed to help Alaina sleep, the music mimics your heartbeat."

"Well it gave me a headache."

He looked up at her with an amused expression on his face. "But she did stay asleep longer when you had it on didn't she?"

She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of saying yes but she knew if she lied that he would know. So she simply said nothing but he still got a smug smile on his face and he continued his search.

"I think I put it over here," Lisbon said as she walked over to the bookcase where she had most of her CDs stacked.

But Jane was still preoccupied looking through her drawer, now finding a sheaf of papers she'd almost forgotten were in there. "What are these?"

"Oh just legal stuff I did before Alaina was born," she explained, "changing my will, setting up guardianship in case something happens." Lisbon assumed he would shrug it off like she did but to her surprise she watched as he read one paper intently.

Jane slowly rose to his feet, his eyes glued to the paper in his hand. "I, Patrick Jane, voluntarily and knowingly consent to the termination of my parental rights."

Lisbon stood there, suddenly feeling like she'd done something very, very wrong. Jane glanced up at her, his mouth slightly agape as he read some more. "I understand that I will no longer have the legal right to custody, guardianship or control of the child. I will have no legal right to care for the child or make decisions on behalf of the child." He turned the paper aside with a look of disgust. "What the hell is this?"

She couldn't help the wave of guilt and shame that washed over her. For a minute she considered asking him to forgive her but then she realized that there was no reason to. She'd been doing what he'd wanted after all; he wasn't really in any place to question her actions. "I had that drawn up before Alaina was born," she explained.

He raised an eyebrow. "It's dated a couple of weeks afterwards."

Lisbon shrugged. "You couldn't give up your rights until after she was born, I decided to keep it ready in case."

"In case of _what_?"

"In case you suddenly changed your mind again," she told him, trying to keep her voice low so that their daughter didn't wake up. "For God's sake, Jane, the entire time I was pregnant you wanted _nothing_ to do with her. I thought I was doing what you wanted."

Jane nodded. "But after she was born? When I told you that I wanted to be in her life, you still decided to pursue this?"

"Like I said, I kept it just in case," she reminded him, "maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and decide that you want to sign that paper after all."

Jane gave her a serious look and she knew he was more than a little upset. He gave her a jerky nod but didn't take his eyes off her. "You want a decision? This is it." Then he took the paper and ripped it in half, and then fourths.

Lisbon gaped at him as he tossed the now worthless document onto the floor. "I am not going to go back to that," Jane told her firmly, "I will never turn my back on my child again. I swear to you."

She wanted to believe that, but months of emotional turmoil had hardened her hope into pure cynicism. "And I'm just supposed to take your word?"

Jane seemed to consider her question for a moment before shaking his head. "No." Then he walked over to the kitchen and began looking through her drawers there.

"What are you doing?" she asked accusingly but Jane didn't respond. She walked over and watched as he pulled out a blue pen and found a yellow legal pad resting on her counter; he took both objects with him to the kitchen table. "Jane?"

He quickly began to write on the first blank sheet of paper. He glanced up at her and continued writing. "I, Patrick Jane, solemnly swear that I will never abandon, ignore, or desert my child. I will never refer to her or any actions that led to her creation as a mistake…"

"Jane," Lisbon said stepping towards him, "what are you doing?"

But he merely gave her a glance and continued on with his writing. "I will provide for my child, not only with material means but with love, affection and devotion. I will strive to be the best father that I can possibly be, taking my role as caregiver and disciplinarian with all seriousness and genuine desire."

Now he paused in his writing and looked at her. At first she wondered if he was waiting for her to speak but then he began again. "I understand completely that my actions in the past towards Teresa Lisbon were reprehensible but I will endeavor to gain back her affections and trust by letting my actions with our child and her speak for me.

"To that end I will treat her with the respect that she deserves, not just as the mother of my child but as the person who has given me far too many chances. I will be available for her to assist in caring for and raising our child and any other help she requires."

Now Jane smiled and put pen to paper again. "I also relinquish my freedom to her, effectively becoming her slave in any desires she wishes as means of proving that that I have the most serious and best of intentions."

He kept his head bent over the table as he continued. "Finally I wish to express my sorrow and regret of my past transgressions, acknowledging the incredible pain and anguish I put Teresa Lisbon through. This contract is a means of admitting the debt I have and resolve to recompense even though I am fully aware that it is a debt that cannot ever be repaid."

Jane then signed his name with a flourish and tore the paper from the pad before handing it to her. "Take it."

Lisbon accepted the paper with silent awe, looking over the words he'd written down. The language varied from serious to playful but it all spelled out the truth. Jane had wronged her terribly for the past year and he wanted to prove that he was a changed man.

"Keep it," he told her, "frame it, draw it up with your lawyer, sew it onto a pillow, it doesn't really matter. But keep it and hold me to it because I mean every word."

She was still focused on the paper in her hand. "Even the part about you being my slave?" she asked, not able to hide her smile.

Jane grinned now and nodded his head. "I'll do anything, Teresa. Anything to prove that I'm serious about this."

Lisbon sighed and turned the paper aside. "It's going to take time."

"I know," Jane told her softly, "and I know that I do not deserve forgiveness in any way shape or form…but I'm not going anywhere."

Before she could say anything they both heard the soft whimper from the next room. Jane smiled and shook his head. "I'll do it," he said, before standing up and heading to the living room so he could lull his daughter back to sleep.

Lisbon turned the paper back over and looked over Jane's contract again. Words, that was all this was, just words. But maybe, just maybe Jane would follow through.

Maybe she still could hope.

* * *

A/N: That contract will come back more than once in this fic and Jane is definitely serious about it. But he is still a grade A bastard in the flashbacks huh? Well that's only going to get worse.

In the next chapter the team decides to help out Lisbon during her pregnancy..and start to find out who the father is while in the present Jane continues to try and get it through to Lisbon that he has changed.


	3. Why?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

A/N: WOW I did not expect such a HUGE response to this story, I'm completely floored. And touched that everyone seems to be liking this new journey I'm forcing the characters down. In this chapter I have to give Cookme25 some credit, she was the one who gave me the idea of Jane seeking some outside help in figuring out why he was a Grade A Bastard to Lisbon. I hope you guys enjoy it.

Also I have to give a HUGE shoutout to Glendalovesshoes for making a TRAILER for The Best Mistake! It is AMAZING! And Everyone needs to see it! www. you /watch?v=l14gk0F7hYs&feature= (remove the spaces or check out the link on my profile)

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Hal:** LOL you'll see Grace get some physical satisfaction against Jane in this chapter, but wait until Cho gets his hands on him...

**Jessica**: Awwww I hope you liked it LOL

**Guest**: Yes your baby has a baby! LOL you are having the exact reaction I hoped for, a bit of bipolar as you swing from loving Jane to hating him and back again LOL glad to see it is working!

**Amalia**: hehehe the contract will come back as Lisbon will hold him to it and she'll actually take one of his suggestions to heart.

**Ana**: Gracias, tengo la intención de actualizar Lavinia pronto y gracias por tu opinión.

**Guest**: LOL No Lisbon won't make it easy on Jane at all, just keep reading and you'll see.

* * *

Chapter 3: Why?

A year ago Lisbon had nothing to talk about whenever her brothers called, usually she asked more questions than gave answers. Now with Alaina in her life she couldn't stop talking and the questions just kept on coming.

"No, she's doing great, not sleeping through the night yet but that's normal, at least according to the books."

"Daniel didn't really sleep through the night until he was four," James said with a laugh.

"Well hopefully Alaina doesn't take after her cousin," Lisbon replied, "I'd like to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time."

"You'll get there, I promise."

"I'll take your word for it," Lisbon said. She looked down in the bassinet at her sleeping daughter. "God it's just amazing, I never knew I could love someone so much."

She could actually hear James's smile through the phone. "You sound happy, Teresa."

"I am," she replied, still looking at her daughter. It was the truth, she'd been content most of her life but now with the birth of her child, she really felt happiness.

"You're coming up to see us again right?"

"Of course," Lisbon told him, "I said I would come up for Thanksgiving."

"What about Christmas?"

"Probably not," she admitted.

"But it'll be her first Christmas, she should be with her family."

"Right, and I'm just the woman who gave her birth to her, that doesn't make me family at all."

"You know what I meant."

She nodded even though he couldn't see her. "I just think I'd rather have her first Christmas here."

"Something wrong with Chicago?"

"Of course not," Lisbon replied, "I just would like to have her first Christmas be at her home."

"In California? Without us?"

Lisbon didn't miss the subtle edge in his voice. He wasn't happy with her decision and she was curious as to why. "What is it?"

He was silent for a moment before asking. "Are you going to invite _him_?"

She actually opened her mouth in shock for a moment, too surprised to think of a coherent answer. "I…I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"It's several months away, James. I don't need to decide right now."

"It's an easy decision, tell him no."

"James…"

"I'm serious, Teresa. The man is scum, I can't believe you are even talking to him, let alone letting him see Alaina."

She sighed heavily. "He is Alaina's father."

"So what?"

"So what? It's not that simple, the fact that he shares blood with her means that he has some rights to her. I'm legally obligated to let him see his child. You're a cop, you know that."

"I also know that he wanted nothing to do with either one of you before she was born, he treated you like trash. He doesn't deserve to be in either one of your lives."

Lisbon couldn't come up with an argument to rebut him. He was right. Jane had wanted nothing to do with Alaina and he'd treated her terribly. Did he deserve to be in Alaina's life? Probably not.

"I know," she said softly.

James was quiet too for a long time. "Look, Teresa, I just want what's best for you and Alaina."

"I know you do."

"I wish you'd move up here like you said you would."

"I didn't say that," Lisbon corrected him, "I just said that I would think about it." That was true, she remembered when she was in the middle of her pregnancy and she was telling her brothers about how afraid she was of raising a child on her own. They had been quick to jump on the idea of her moving back to Chicago, within five minutes they'd had three available places for her to live in, a job lined up and were ready to call up the movers. She'd put a stop to that quickly but had kept it in her back pocket…just in case.

She hadn't seriously given any thought to moving since Alaina was born and Jane had stepped up, but she was sure that was a coincidence.

"It would be good for both of you. Alaina would have family to look out for her and you would get away from that toxic relationship."

"Toxic relationship?"

"I'm calling it as I see it. You've given this guy way too many chances, he always turns around and makes you do something illegal, or at the very least, unethical and you always have his back, always come back to him. Then he gets you pregnant and abandons both of you but you are still giving him _another_ chance. It's sick!"

"It's not like that."

"It's _exactly_ like that, it's like he has you brainwashed."

"Excuse me?"

"You need to get away from him. Take Alaina and run far away from him."

"I can't just do that, James. I can't just quit my job; I have people here that depend on me."

"You mean you don't want to leave him."

"He has nothing to do with this," Lisbon said loudly. "Stop telling me how to run my life, I'm an adult, I'm two years older than you and I get to decide how to take care of my child and my self without going to you for permission."

"I'm trying to help."

"James," she began carefully, "I'm doing the best that I can. I know you don't approve of this, that I'm letting Jane see Alaina and, to be honest…I can't blame you."

"Then why are you letting him?"

She shook her head. "He's her father. He's her father and nothing in this world is going to change that. I just have to know if he really can do this, it is what I always wanted…I have to see if I gave up too soon."

"And what happens if he leaves again. What if he hurts you _and_ Alaina this time?"

Lisbon let out a heavy sigh. "Then I'll know for sure…and then I can really start to hate him."

* * *

_Lisbon really thought that this would be the end of it. That she would just simply take care of this situation like she had everything else in her life, by being strong and persevering. But she was quickly finding out that her pregnant mind wasn't reacting the way she normally would._

_ She tried to prepare by purchasing no less than a dozen books on pregnancy and parenting and read them every chance she could get. She started making a list of the things she had to do before the baby was born; she thought it would be that simple. But when that list started to exceed six pages she began to feel like maybe it wasn't going to be that simple after all._

_ Then after an appointment with her doctor where he outlined the different possible risks she had and the decisions she had to make for the birth. Should she have a water birth or a home birth? Would she breastfeed and co-bed? Did she want a natural labor or would she use an epidural? Her mind began to swim with everything, all of the decisions and responsibilities she had all of a sudden that she wasn't at all prepared for._

_ Then she felt it._

_ A gentle stirring like butterflies flapping their wings in her stomach. She knew what it was; she'd read about it a few days before. Her baby was finally moving._

_ And then it all came tumbling down._

_ Grace found her in her officer, her head in her hands and her body shaking with sobs. "Boss…is everything okay?"_

_ Lisbon didn't look up but shook her head, still trying to keep her cries quiet but no longer caring if anybody saw her crying anymore._

_ "What's wrong?" Grace asked, stepping towards her._

_ She put her hands down, letting Grace see her tear stained face. "I…I felt the baby move."_

_ Grace smiled. "Really? That's great!" But Lisbon didn't join in on the excitement. "It isn't great?" She asked, her voice wavering "Is something wrong with the baby?"_

_ Lisbon shook her head and looked up into Grace's face with wide wild eyes. "It's alive. There is something inside of me and it's going to come out and I have to take care of it."_

_ The other woman looked at her dumbfounded. "I don't know what's wrong."_

_ "I'm having a baby! Me!" Lisbon exclaimed, "I barely see my nieces and nephews and for some reason I thought that I could handle this? I keep reading about all of the things that parents need to do to prepare for kids," Lisbon explained pulling out her books and flipping through some pages. "They all talk about what you should do with your partner. How two people raise a child but I'm alone. I don't have anybody!"_

_ She whipped out another book, this one about single motherhood. "Even this book, the one that is supposed to help me…it keeps talking about having a supporting family. Having a family member like your mom taking the baby for a few hours so you can take care of yourself." Lisbon slammed the book shut. "My mom is dead! She can't help me! My brothers live halfway across the country, I can't depend on them. I'll have to depend on day care or a nanny but those things are so expensive and leaving the baby with strangers and I just…" she covered her face with her hands and began to cry. "It wasn't supposed to be this way…I wasn't supposed to be alone." She shook her head but still kept her face buried in her hands, "What if he was right…what if I can't do this?"_

_ No need to say who he was, even if Grace still didn't know the name._

_ Grace leaned down and put a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder. "It's going to be okay."_

_ But Lisbon just continued to cry, it seemed like all she wanted to do nowadays was cry._

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_ Later that night Lisbon was calm again but still freaking out on the inside. She kept looking at her long list of things to do, none of which she'd done yet and she felt completely daunted. She'd done things by herself for most of her life but this was the first time she truly felt like she had no one._

_ For a minute she engaged in a brief fantasy of what life would be like if she had a partner. Would he help her when she got home, bringing her food when she was hungry and holding her when she felt scared and overwhelmed? Maybe he would sit her down and help her set up a plan, reassuring her that there was still plenty of time to get everything done? That she was over thinking this and she needed to just calm down, it was perfectly normal to be afraid._

_ It didn't escape her notice that the person she was imagining was Jane. That was the sad truth, it really was a fantasy that Jane would step up and be there for her. She knew she was well and truly alone in all of this._

_ That was when she heard a knock on the door. For a full second her heart filled with hope that maybe just maybe Jane had changed his mind. But she quickly squashed that thought; there was no way he was going to do that._

_ Sure enough it wasn't Jane behind her door, instead she was surprised to find Grace standing there with several paper bags in her arms._

_ "What are you doing here?" Lisbon asked, not meaning for it to sound so accusingly._

_ "I wanted to drop by and see how you are."_

_ Lisbon was suspicious but she was also pregnant and constantly hungry these days. "Is that Chinese?"_

_ Grace nodded her head enthusiastically. "I got the works, wonton soup, moo shoo pork, sweet and sour chicken, I even asked them to throw in an extra handful of fortune cookies."_

_ Lisbon's eyes lit up and she actually grinned. "You know exactly what a pregnant woman needs."_

_ A few minutes later they were both sitting on her sofa, sipping warm soup and great fried rice. Lisbon dug into her food with a real zest, she loved having a dinner that she hadn't had to make, it was the first in a long time._

_ But she was still suspicious of Grace's motives. "Why are you really here?"_

_ Grace swallowed a mouthful of pork and set her chopsticks aside. "I wanted to help you out."_

_ "Because of this afternoon?"_

_ "Yes," Grace answered honestly._

_ Lisbon felt terrible now, she hated that she was now the one who everyone pitied. "Look, I'll be okay," she told Grace, stirring her rice with her chopsticks. "It was just the hormones, that's why I was freaking out."_

_ "I know that." Lisbon relaxed a little until Grace continued, "but you were also right." Lisbon looked up at her in surprise. "You do have a lot of decisions to make and it's a big thing that you are going through, and you don't have any real family nearby to help."_

_ She raised an eyebrow. "Is this your version of a pep talk?"_

_ Grace smiled and shook her head. "This is me reminding you that you have a family here that is going to be here and support you throughout all of this." Now Lisbon was looking up at her with wonder. "We're here, me, Rigsby and Cho. We all agree that we want to help you through this." She shrugged, "I'm sure if we talked to Jane he would be willing to help too."_

_ That was like a bucket of cold water thrown in her face. Lisbon took a sip of water to try and hide her expression. "I'm not so sure about, Jane," she said softly._

_ Grace didn't notice her boss's pained expression. Instead she simple nodded. "Even so, I want to be here. I want to help you out."_

_ Lisbon smiled and shook her head. "You don't have to, Grace."_

_ "I want to."_

_ "But you have your own life," Lisbon reminded her, "you really don't want to be involved in my mess."_

_ "You're my friend," Grace told her, "like my sister and I…I want to help you. I want to be there when you have this baby and bring it home, I want to watch you become this amazing mother that I know you are going to be. I just want to make things easier for you, even if all it means is bringing you a few meals every once in a while or sitting here and listen to you talk about how you are feeling. Because you are a part of my life…and this is what family does."_

_ Lisbon's eyes were brimming with tears and she finally let them fall. "Oh God, these hormones," she muttered and wiped the tears away. Then she reached over and actually gave Grace a hug. "Thank you." She tried to keep her emotions at bay but she couldn't help but add. "My baby might not have a father but it's going to have one hell of an aunt."_

_ Grace laughed softly and returned the hug. "That's right."_

_ And for the first time in months, Lisbon didn't feel alone._

* * *

Lisbon was trying very hard to stay awake but she was beyond the help of coffee. It didn't help that the reports she was going through were dry as the desert. About halfway through them she found her head sinking down on the desk and she closed her eyes for just a minute.

"Boss?" Rigsby said softly, shaking her shoulder a little. Lisbon jolted up and blinked at her friend.

"What...was I asleep?"

"Kinda."

Lisbon groaned and rested her forehead against her desk. "Oh God this never used to happen to me. I swear this is not going to happen again, Alaina just didn't want to sleep last night, like _at all_."

"Believe me," Rigsby told her with a big grin, "I understand."

She smiled up at him softly. "Of course you do."

"Don't worry, she'll be sleeping through the night soon."

"Well it can't be soon enough," Lisbon declared, pulling up the paperwork so she could go back to work. "All right, what did you need me for?"

"We identified the victim, his name is David Winchester."

Lisbon nodded and digested that information. "So why was he found dead in the part with no I.D.?"

"We'll have to find that out."

She sighed. "All right, Cho is still in court and Grace is going to be looking into the financials and since I'm half asleep, why don't you take Jane and go talk to the his neighbors, see what they know?"

It was a simple request but she didn't miss the reluctance in Rigsby's face. "What?" she asked quickly, "What is it?"

"Do I have to go with Jane?"

"Is something wrong? Has he done anything that I should be aware of?"

Rigsby shook his head. "No, nothing recently."

Lisbon sat back in her seat, realizing exactly what all of this was about. "Okay…so this is about Jane…and me."

"It's not about you."

"It's about my pregnancy."

"It's about how Jane treated you during your pregnancy."

"It still involves me," Lisbon reminded him, "I was the one he treated badly, I was the one he wouldn't talk to for months and I was the one he hurt."

Rigsby nodded. "I know."

"No you don't," She told him quickly, "You don't know how that felt…but I'm still here. I'm still willing to work with him and if I can then you have to." She made the declaration firmly.

He stared at her for a long moment. "Why?"

"I just said…"

"No, why are you working with him? Why are you even _talking_ to him?"

Lisbon thought about it for a minute. "I'm a professional."

"Okay, that explains why you still work with him but why are you still letting him see your daughter?"

She sighed and buried her face in her hands. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?" She just shook her head for a moment before finally looking back up at him. "I'm trying to do what is best for Alaina. I might not know if that is Jane yet…but I need to be sure." Lisbon took a deep breath and met Rigsby's eyes. "I need you to be professional and work with Jane. You don't have to talk to him or even forgive him, God knows I haven't, but you do have to work with him. Understand?"

"Yes, boss."

"Good, now go get Jane and find out what our victim was doing."

Rigsby nodded his head stiffly and left to go and follow her orders while Lisbon simply watched him go. She sighed and lowered her head back on to the desk, not just for exhaustion anymore.

Sometimes she forgot how hard this was for the rest of the team, she was so focused on trying to sort out her own life. Lisbon also couldn't help but feel a bit selfish in this; Jane had been terrible to _her,_ not them.

But it was sweet that they had rallied behind her. As much as she wanted to pretend that things were okay, it still felt good that they had been willing to help her when she needed them most.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Jane knew something was up when Rigsby told him that they were going to talk to Winchester's neighbors. Not that doing something for the case was unusual; it was the company that was unexpected. He hadn't worked with anyone without Lisbon in months. Cho was the only one that was willing to go with him but even that relationship had its limits.

He knew that Rigsby wasn't coming around so this had to have come from Lisbon.

About five minutes into the drive Jane decided to just cut to the chase. "So why isn't Lisbon with us? I assume she would be but something must be holding her back since we both know you don't want to be here."

Rigsby gave him a dirty look before turning back to his driving. "What is it?" Jane asked again, knowing just a little more pressure would make the man crack.

"Nothing," Rigsby told him quickly, "she's just tired is all."

There was only one reason why Lisbon would be too tired to go with them. "Alaina didn't sleep much last night did she?"

"No, she didn't."

Jane wasn't surprised by that bit of news but he immediately went into action. "She's not using that CD I got, she should, it'll help soothe Alaina to sleep. And she should have something, a blanket that smells like her or something, it could calm her down when she wakes up in the middle of the night."

Rigsby turned his head with raised eyebrows. "Why don't you tell her yourself?"

"She doesn't really like taking advice from me right now."

"You think she'll listen to me?"

"Yes, she isn't mad at you."

Rigsby shook his head, looking back at the road. "That's because I was there for her," he mumbled under his breath.

But Jane heard him easily. "You know you don't have to say it so low. I'd much prefer it if you were upfront and honest about your criticism." Rigsby gave him another look but Jane took it easily. "You don't have to hide it, I admit my mistakes freely."

"Which ones are you talking about?"

"Well, not Alaina if that is what you mean."

That seemed to mollify Rigsby a small bit at least. "You said she was."

"Yes, I did and I was wrong," Jane replied simply. "I did a lot of things wrong, and you are right to be angry with me after what I did to Lisbon." Rigsby didn't say anything, but looked away again with his jaw set. So admitting his faults wasn't good enough for him "You could hit me, that might work."

"What?"

"Physical means might help release some of that anger, besides, everyone else on the team did."

"No they didn't." Jane just smiled knowingly. "They did?!"

"Well technically Grace just slapped me."

"And Cho."

"Oh yes, he really knows how to throw a punch."

Now Rigsby looked a little disappointed. "Everyone got to hit you but me?"

"Well I'm saying you can if you want."

He looked at Jane suspiciously. "This is a trick isn't it? You don't really want me to hit you."

"Do I _want_ you to hit me? Of course not, I'd much prefer a solution where I'm not writhing on the ground in pain." Jane explained, "but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to release your anger towards me, even taking one for the team so to speak."

To his credit, Rigsby actually seemed to be considering that option. But then he shook his head. "I'm not going to hit you, Jane."

"I know, but I had to try."

They settled back into silence until Rigsby finally asked. "Why don't you just talk to Lisbon about Alaina?"

"I try, she isn't willing to listen, for obvious reasons." Rigsby just nodded at that, no need to explain further. It was hard. Jane hadn't see Alaina in three days, he asked every day but Lisbon hadn't been letting him come over, obviously she hadn't been feeling particularly generous lately.

"How do you do it?" Jane asked aloud, "How do deal with not seeing your son every day?"

Rigsby glanced over at him for the first time not seeming angry but actually a little sympathetic. "You miss a few milestones and take a lot of pictures," Rigsby replied easily, "and you savor every second that you have."

Jane nodded. "I understand that…but you always know that you are going to see him."

"Well…yeah. Every other weekend and on Wednesday evenings."

"That sounds fair," Jane agreed, "but Lisbon and I don't have that arrangement. She has to give me permission…and I have no idea when that will be. My biggest fear is that she'll change her mind and I'll never get to see her again."

Rigsby actually looked a little sympathetic now. He did know what it was like not being able to see his child all of the time, he also could imagine the terrible feeling of not knowing if that would be the last time. "Isn't that what you wanted?"

"No," Jane told him quickly, "Not now."

"But you did," he pointed out, "you told her you wanted nothing to do with her or the baby."

Jane looked out the window and grew very somber. "I know."

The two men were quiet for a while both reflecting on the sins of one. Jane knew he'd been a complete and utter fool, it always hurt to remember the terrible things he did.

"Why?" Rigsby finally asked the million-dollar question, "Why did you do it? She has had your back a thousand times, helping you when no one else would, standing by you when you pulled all of your crazy shit…and the one time she needed you…you walked away. You abandoned her. Why?"

He thought about it for a while, all of the answers that he could have said but not one was good enough, not one was a real true explanation. "I don't know," Jane finally admitted, "I ask myself those questions every day but I still haven't found any answers."

"You need to," Rigsby told him calmly, "because it's going to be hard to forgive you until you do."

* * *

_Grace was sitting at her desk enjoying an easy morning since the paperwork was finished and they were currently between cases. It's why she was getting around to several important things that were happening, that didn't actually have to do with her._

_ "Why are you reading a pregnancy book?" Cho asked, noting her current choice in literature. "Are you pregnant too?"_

_ That question made Rigsby stop whatever he had been doing to pass the time and gape up at her. "No!" Grace said quickly, "I'm not pregnant." But Cho and Rigsby kept staring at her, compelling her to continue. "Lisbon is and I want to know exactly what to expect."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because she needs help," Grace told them, "she's pregnant and alone and the father isn't in the picture. She's scared."_

_ The other two men were silent as they let it all sink in. It was strange that the women they had all come to lean on suddenly needed their support. Lisbon was strong and independent, but now she was alone and vulnerable. _

_ "What can we do?" Rigsby asked._

_ Grace shook her head. "Just try and help her. You probably know what she needs better than anyone, we'll have to make sure she rests when she's tired, eats enough because you know she'll get so wrapped up in work that she'll forget."_

_ "Has she talked about him at all?"_

_ "Not really, just that he doesn't want to be involved and that he told her that she wasn't going to be able to do this."_

_ "I'd like to know who he is," Rigsby said sternly, "Then I could punch his face in."_

_ "I'll help."_

_ "Me too," Grace agreed, "but since we don't know who he is, we'll have to make do with making sure Lisbon is all right."_

_ They quickly got busy pitching in ideas and offering suggestions on how to make things more comfortable for their boss. Cho was ready to step up and take some of the reins from her so she could take things easy. Rigsby had more than a few tips but of course Grace was the one who could do the most, she already had started by entrenching herself into Lisbon's life._

_ When Jane walked into the bullpen looking rather haggard, they simply assumed that he would want to have a part in it too. After all, he was the one who was closest to Lisbon._

_ "Hey Jane," Rigsby said calling him over._

_ "Yes, is there something you want?" He was quiet, very quiet. They all had noticed his rather subdued behavior, like he was almost in a daze._

_ They exchanged looks at his conduct but didn't push him on it. "Lisbon is pregnant," Grace began._

_ His lips tightened a little. "I'm aware of that."_

_ "She's alone, Jane. The father isn't involved and she's scared."_

_ "She should be, it isn't an easy thing she's taken on. If she's afraid then she should have considered that when she chose to have this child."_

_ Grace raised her eyebrows at his comment and saw that the two other members of the team had a similar expression on their faces. "We just want to help her, she needs us to support her."_

_ "Yeah," Rigsby agreed, "You have any ideas?"_

_ Jane thought for a moment and then said softly. "I think that she chose to go through this alone and if she needed our help then she would ask."_

_ "Yeah, but it isn't that simple."_

_ "Why?" he asked, not waiting for an answer. "She made her decision, she can figure out the consequences alone."_

_ He didn't give them time to ask him why he was being so blatantly harsh; he just walked out of the room leaving them stunned._

_ "Whoa," Grace said staring after him._

_ "What's his problem?" Rigsby asked._

_ "I have no idea, he's been acting weird for weeks now."_

_ Cho nodded, "Since Lisbon told us about the baby…even before that actually."_

_ "You really think that is it?"_

_ He shrugged. "He's drinking more, he never used to have more than a beer every now and then."_

_ Grace shook her head. "He's taking it hard…but why?"_

_ All of them searched for answers but they couldn't come up with a single one. Nothing made sense anymore…and they were afraid to question what the truth might be._

* * *

Lisbon had managed to pep herself up so that she wasn't a walking zombie anymore. Actually she'd fallen asleep on her desk for a good twenty minutes and the catnap was what had done the trick. Now she was feeling awake enough to continue looking through reports while waiting for more information on their latest victim.

She was still working diligently when Jane walked into her office. She eyed him warily, always wondering what his game was. "What do you want? You have something on our victim?"

"No, the neighbors were useless, just said he didn't get out much."

She shrugged. "Sounds about right, no prior reports or anything I can find. Maybe Van Pelt will have more luck." Jane nodded but he was still looking at her oddly, "Something wrong?"

"How are you?"

Lisbon blinked up at him a little surprised. "I'm fine."

"I meant with Alaina, I know she had trouble sleeping last night."

She groaned and shook her head. "Rigsby shouldn't have said anything."

"Why not?" Jane asked, "I should know about these things since I am Alaina's father."

She sighed heavily. It was the truth; nothing in this world was going to be able to change the fact that Jane was her child's father. "Everything is fine, Jane."

"I know that, but that doesn't mean that I can't help."

"We've already been over this, why do you keep bringing this up?"

"Because I can't stop, not until you finally accept what I'm freely offering."

They were staring at each other in the middle of their fiftieth argument about this particularly subject when Grace walked in. She looked at them a little wide-eyed since this was very familiar territory. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No," Lisbon told her quickly, "What is it?"

"I have some information about our victim," she explained, making certain to all but ignore Jane as always. "He used to work for the Schneider Company, apparently he was a big deal about three years back."

"If he worked for Schneider why is he living in a small house in Charleton?"

"That's it, he quit three years ago, right after his sister was murdered."

Jane looked interested in that bit of information. "What do you know about her?"

Grace eyed him but was professional enough to continue. "Not much, SACPD is sending us the casefile, but I know it's still open."

"Interesting," Jane said softly. Lisbon knew that tone of voice; it meant that he had a hunch.

"What is it?"

"Nothing," Jane told her calmly, "Its just interesting that David Winchester changes his entire life, quitting his job and becoming a virtual recluse all at the time of his sister's untimely death. That speaks towards a guilty conscious."

"You think he killed her?"

"He doesn't have to be a killer to feel guilt. He may just believe that he is responsible."

Lisbon tried not to think about what Jane meant by those words, she knew that he was subtly referring to his own guilt regarding his wife and first child. She never had agreed with his assessment but there had never been any way to change his mind. What she hated was how he'd let it control his life, especially since she suspected much that guilt could have led to his treatment towards her during her pregnancy.

Grace eyed him begrudgingly. "He might be right, Winchester was seeing a therapist."

"Who?"

Now she hesitated and gave both them odd looks before finally admitting the truth. "Dr. Sophie Miller."

* * *

_It had been an amazing day; she loved going to the doctor and listening to the baby's heartbeat. The words, "normal" and "progressing smoothly" were the best words that the English language had ever invented. Even more amazing, in two weeks she was going to be able to have an ultrasound and find out if she was having a boy or a girl!_

_ Of course not everything had been peaches and cream. There was the other little matter her doctor had brought up. _"It's important that your baby have a complete genetic history so that we know what sort of risks your pregnancy entails. I have your medical history and everything looks good but it would be helpful to have the father's background as well…if possible."

_ Lisbon had ignored the fact that her doctor had figured out she was going into single parenthood and instead focused on the other situation. The one where she was going to have to talk to Jane about the baby again._

_ Jane hadn't spoken a word to her about the baby, not since the night he told her to get an abortion and she stormed away. She'd tried once to have another conversation with him about it but he'd turned around and left the room. She got smaller every time he looked right through her but there was nothing she could do except what he wanted…and she wasn't going to do that. She simply couldn't believe that Jane hated her so much now, all because she wanted to have this baby._

_ But she had to put the baby first, that was the most important part of being a mom._

_ That's why she eventually grabbed her phone and dialed Jane's number. It took a couple of rings for him to answer and it was still jarring to not hear his teasing voice but instead an edgy, "What do you want?"_

_ Lisbon almost choked on her words. "I…I need you to come over so we can talk." She sighed heavily. "Look, Jane this is important. I know that this isn't what you want but…but I've been there for you countless times over the years, doing things I didn't want to do, sticking my neck out for you when I didn't have to." She breathed heavily and said something she wasn't used to saying. "So could you please just do this…for me?"_

_ There was a long moment of silence and for a minute Lisbon wondered if he would just hang up on her._

_ "All right, I'll see you soon."_

_ Lisbon wasn't sure if she should be happy or worried by his reply. But she sat there and mentally prepared herself for what was going to come._

_ Twenty minutes later Lisbon heard the knock on her door and her heart raced. She actually checked to see what she was wearing; wincing at how obvious the growing baby bump was with her shirt and yoga pants. It wasn't anything Jane hadn't seen already at work but now…now they were acknowledging it._

_ When she opened the door she was greeted by a disheveled and slightly intoxicated Jane. It was enough to make her want to cry, she knew that Jane hadn't been acting like himself but she was hoping that she was wrong to assume that he was resorting to the bottle now._

_ "You wanted to talk."_

_ "Yes," she said stepping aside, "come in."_

_ Jane walked inside but didn't sit down; she watched his eyes flit from the stack of pregnancy books on her coffee table to her computer screen which was still on the webpage where she'd been looking through strollers. God she was just throwing this in his face wasn't she?_

_ Her hands shook as she walked over to the folder she'd had out, some legal things she'd been looking into such as making a will. She'd also been advised to figure out the custody arrangements with him. "We…we have to talk about what's going to happen after the baby is born," she told him, "There are options that we have such as joint-custody and visitation." She flipped through the papers and tried to keep her nerves at bay. "How often do you think you'll want to see the baby?"_

_ Jane narrowed his gaze at her and shook his head. "No."_

_ Lisbon lowered the piece of paper in her hand. "No?"_

_ "No, I don't want any part of it."_

_ It was an answer she had been expecting but not the one she'd wanted to hear. "Jane…you do realize what this means?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "Don't you want to think about it?"_

_ Jane rolled his eyes. "I already told you what I want, you can do whatever you'd like with your life and your child."_

_ She flinched at the categorization of the baby. It was hers and not his. She was perilously close to breaking down and crying in front of him but Lisbon searched deep inside for a strength she wasn't feeling and somehow held the tears back. "Okay," she set the legal papers aside and turned to the medical form. "Could you at least fill this out for me."_

_ He raised an eyebrow and took the slip of paper. "What is it?"_

_ "It's a form for you to fill out, your medical and genetic history," Lisbon explained, "My doctor wants to know if there are any risks."_

_ Jane looked at the form for a few minutes, reading the different questions. Lisbon had done it herself and assumed it was very straightforward. He would want to do this much right?_

_ "This means I would be acknowledging that I'm the father."_

_ Lisbon was a bit surprised by that statement. "It's just a way to know if there is anything that the baby is at risk for."_

_ "But it would mean that I'm officially acknowledging it."_

_ She sighed. "Technically, I guess but, Jane…"_

_ He shook his head. "I don't want to have anything to do with this."_

_ "You've said that several times," she reminded him, now feeling that anger surfacing._

_ "But you won't honor it."_

_ "You really want to talk about honor?" she asked, "because if you want to do the _honorable_ thing then you are going to have to think of a whole other way to go about all of this."_

_ "We were talking about you."_

_ "No, Jane," Lisbon replied icily, "We were talking about you doing this one thing for me. Just one small favor for your child."_

_ "I don't want the child."_

_ "I do!" she shouted back, "and I said I would do it alone."_

_ "Then why am I here?"_

_ Lisbon let out a loud frustrated groan. "For God's sake Jane, I'm not asking you for child support or to even look at the kid. I'm asking you to let me know if there is any chance you and your messed up past is going to give it extra toes!"_

_ For a long moment they simply stared at one another, the anger was filling the room like water in a sink. It wasn't the sort of moment parents-to-be were supposed to have, she wasn't getting any of that. The father of her child wasn't showering her with attention and trying to take care of her…no, she was fighting a losing battle just to get him to give her some medical history._

_ It was getting so easy to hate him._

_ Before anything more could be said, the sound of the lock turning and her front door opening interrupted them. Both turned their heads to see Grace walking into her apartment. Lisbon had forgotten she'd given her friend an extra key a couple of weeks ago since Grace was always coming over to bring her food, baby information or simply a shoulder to lean on. Grace was a better father figure to her baby than the actual father._

_ Grace froze, sensing the tension in the room. "Hey," she said stilted, dropping the bags of groceries she'd been carrying onto the floor. "What's going on?"_

_ "Nothing," Lisbon said quickly, too quickly. Jane looked away from both of them, his jaw set firmly in anger._

_ "Are you guys fighting?"_

_ "No." But that lie was even more obvious._

_ Grace didn't believe her in the least. "Why are you guys fighting? What's wrong?"_

_ They couldn't answer that; both of them had spent the past five months hiding what was going on between them. Still it was impossible to conceal the simmering fury between them now. Self-conscious, Lisbon put a hand over her belly where her baby was kicking, reacting to her stress. She looked up to see that Grace was looking from Jane then Lisbon and then down at her belly and back again._

_ She saw the instant Grace knew. Her eyes widened and she gasped loudly. "Oh my God!"_

_ Jane knew too. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I'm leaving," he declared bitterly before quickly escaping this confrontation._

_ Lisbon bit her lip and kept one hand on her stomach as he left and then in the silence that followed between her and Grace. The other woman was openly gaping at the door Jane had just exited only to turn back to Lisbon. "Jane? The baby is _Jane's_?"_

_ "I…I don't want to talk about it, Grace," Lisbon told her quickly, restacking the legal papers that Jane hadn't even looked at._

_ "We have to talk about it," Grace told her, "It's _Jane_!"_

_ "I know," Lisbon said, unsure if she wanted to scream or cry._

_ "What happened?"_

_ Lisbon sighed, she wanted to avoid this conversation but there was no way she could hide from it. Not now, they had been fools to think that they could hide the truth for the duration of the pregnancy. "He was drunk. I drove him home because I was worried about him…things happened."_

_ Grace let out another gasp and shook her head. "I can't believe this, I just…_Jane_!" She looked back at the spot where Jane had just been standing. "Why isn't he helping you? Don't you want his help?"_

_ "Of course I do!" Lisbon snapped, her emotions now completely on edge. "I'd _love_ to have him here, helping me figure all of this out."_

_ "Then why isn't he?"_

_ "Because he doesn't _want_ to, Grace! He doesn't want anything to do with the baby!" Lisbon's voice was loud in the small room and she heard it echo against the walls. Hearing it bounce back in her ears…it only served to make it more permanent that she had ruined everything._

_ She sank down onto the couch and buried her face in her hands, no longer fighting the urge to cry. After a moment she heard Grace sit down next to her and put a hand on her arm. "I don't believe it," she said softly, "Jane would want to be there for his child. You have to be wrong."_

_ "He told me to get an abortion," Lisbon choked out in between her sobs._

_ "What?"_

_ Lisbon took in some deep breaths but she couldn't control her tears anymore. "I…I told him about the baby and…and h-he told me that I…I had to get rid of it. Get rid of this 'mistake'."_

_ Grace sat there stunned, shaking her head. "I…I had no idea he was so far gone."_

_ "He hates me, he hates me because I'm having this baby," Lisbon explained, "and I…I don't know how to fix it."_

_ "Hey," Grace said quickly forcing Lisbon to look up at her. "If Jane can't accept that you want this baby than that is his problem. You are in the right here, you are taking responsibility and if he can't deal with it then he can go straight to hell."_

_ Lisbon couldn't help but smile, even as tears still fell from her eyes. "I just feel so stupid."_

_ "No," Grace told her, "You shouldn't."_

_ They didn't say anything for a long time but somehow Lisbon found herself wrapped up in a hug as she continued to cry. She didn't know who she was crying for. Was it for herself and the burden that she was feeling? Was it Jane for not being able to accept the gift life was freely offering him? Or maybe it was her child who was going to grow up not knowing why it's father couldn't open up his heart for his child?_

_ Lisbon didn't know, but there were a lot of reasons for her to cry._

* * *

Lisbon and Jane were sitting in her car outside of the hospital where Sophie Miller now worked after leaving the university research behind her. Jane looked reluctant to leave the confines of the vehicle and Lisbon couldn't really blame him. She knew about this past and he hadn't been eager to see Dr. Miller again the last time she'd been involved with a case. He didn't like being reminded of what had happened to him, he saw it as a weakness.

As much as she was angry with him…she did sympathize. "Are you sure you want to be here?"

"Sophie will be more comfortable if I'm with you," Jane pointed out.

"It's different this time," Lisbon reminded him, "she's not a suspect."

He smiled softly. "No, she never was."

They finally exited the car in total silence and made their way into the hospital. The receptionist told them that Dr. Miller was available and would meet them shortly. A few minutes later a now brunette Sophie stepped out of the elevator and smiled at them warmly if a bit curious.

"Patrick, Agent Lisbon, it is nice to see you both again, although I suspect the circumstances are not as good as I hope."

Jane gave her a small nod; he did smile at her softly though. It was Lisbon who was honest. "We're here to talk to you about one of your patients, David Winchester."

"What happened to David?"

"He was found murdered yesterday."

Dr. Miller's eyes widened and real grief was etched on her face. "Oh my God…that's terrible."

Lisbon gave her a moment to process what was happening; she knew that people needed that time. She caught Jane's eye but she couldn't read his expression. "We need to ask you a few questions about him."

"I'm willing to help where I can," Sophie explained, "but what my patients tell me is confidential."

"Why was he seeking therapy?" Jane asked, cutting right to the chase."

Sophie smiled softly at him. "He was having problems accepting his sister's death."

"He felt guilty."

"Yes, I believe he was suffering from Survivor's Guilt."

"But that's not all," Jane continued, studying his former therapist intently. "He felt responsible for her death."

Sophie looked reluctant to speak further which was usually the sign that Jane had hit the nail on the head. Lisbon decided to try and smooth the waters, but not after giving Jane a small glare. "Just tell us what you know."

She sighed. "David believed that his previous career is what led to his sister being killed, he thought that the killers were actually after him and she was killed by mistake."

"Did he try to find them himself?"

"He never said but I believe so."

Lisbon took a step forward. "Did he ever talk about that? Who he was looking into?"

Sophie shook her head. "He didn't talk about his current plans, we mostly talked about his sister and his feelings regarding her death."

Jane looked carefully at her. "What about his fantasies? Did he have any idea of what he wanted to do to the man who killed his sister?"

Lisbon turned her head to look at Jane, knowing exactly where this was leading. She hated it when he talked about revenge. His plans for revenge always left her cold and alone with a broken and bleeding heart. Revenge and Jane was never a good mix.

"He spoke of wanting to see them, justice and vengeance. It was a normal reaction to grief such as this. If he wanted to kill them then he kept it to himself."

"Do you believe he wanted them dead?"

She nodded slowly. "I believe so."

A few more questions came to mind but the moment was interrupted by Lisbon's phone ringing. She looked down to see that it was Cho calling her. Probably to update her on their latest findings into Winchester's background and his sister's case. "I'll take this outside," she told them before walking away to answer her phone.

Now Jane and Sophie were alone again, the first time in several years. For a long moment they simply stared at each other and then she smiled warmly. "It is good to see you, Patrick. To be honest I did not believe we would see each other again."

"No," Jane agreed, smiling now too, "but here we are." He studied her for a minute, liking that she seemed to be in a much more secure place than when he last saw her. "How have you been?"

"Fine," she told him honestly, "Actually I feel…better. Helping people one at a time has made me feel more sure of myself."

"That's good," Jane agreed, "you are doing what you were always best at."

She smiled knowingly at him. "And you?"

"Never better."

"I believe you," she admitted, "You seem different then when I saw you last. A little less tired, more at peace." Jane grinned and shook his head, knowing he'd been caught. Her smile grew. "What changed?"

For a minute he just savored the moment. This was actually the first time he'd ever been able to make this announcement. "I have a new daughter."

Sophie gasped, genuinely happy for him. "That's wonderful."

He nodded. "Her name is Alaina, she's only nine weeks old."

"Oh wow, a new baby, that must be interesting."

Jane frowned a little at the statement. She was right, but not for the reasons she assumed. Sophie thought that he was busy with late night feedings and changing soiled diapers. She was wrong though; he wasn't able to do any of those things yet.

Sophie noticed the look on his face and slyly tried to figure it out. "Have you remarried?"

He shook his head. "No. Alaina…she wasn't planned by any means. Her mother and I are in an _interesting_ place as well."

She studied him for several moments and came to the right conclusion quickly. "It's Agent Lisbon."

Jane smiled, impressed that she was so astute and nodded. "Yes."

"When I first met her I noticed that there seemed to be a strong connection between you two, you trust her."

"Implicitly."

"But now things are strained between you," Sophie continued, "That was obvious. Standing apart, the fact that she barely looked at you, an edge to her voice."

"She's angry with me."

"Yet you just had a baby together," Sophie finished, "that doesn't seem to add up."

Jane swallowed and looked away. He wasn't sure if he was willing to explain everything that he had done. It was true that he had bared his soul to Sophie long ago and she was the one who had helped him away from his self-destructive path. He'd owed her a lot, but that debt had been paid.

He had new debts though. Not to her but to others, to Lisbon especially and he still had no idea how to begin paying them.

"I…I did something terrible to her," Jane explained quietly, "I was horrible to her and she has every reason to be angry."

Sophie nodded carefully. She didn't know what had happened exactly but she must have been aware of the magnitude of it at least. "I'm sure she'll forgive you in time."

"Perhaps," Jane said, "but she shouldn't."

The woman in question returned then, eyeing both of them, as she knew she was interrupting a heavy conversation. Even though she had no idea what it was about. "Cho called, they have some information on Winchester's sister's case. We might have a new lead. We should get back to the CBI."

"Of course," Sophie said, smiling at them both. "I hope you find David's killer soon. If you need my help again, you can always contact me." Then she looked both of them over with a sly smile. "And good luck…to you both."

Lisbon noticed that strange send off and gave Jane a look. He just smiled and shrugged before walking back to the car with her.

* * *

_Jane was preparing his morning cup of tea in the break room, one of the few pleasures he allowed himself to have these days. Right now he felt like the small plan he had conceived for himself was quickly unraveling, if he wasn't careful then everything would be lost and there would be absolutely nothing left of his life for him to salvage._

_ He heard the door open and then the sound of the lock sliding into place. He didn't have to turn around to know who was there; he'd been waiting for this since the night before. "I believe locking the door is going to inconvenience everyone who wants to get some coffee," he pointed out, still not turning around._

_ "I wanted some privacy when I called you out for being the sorry, selfish, son of a bitch that you are!"_

_ Now Jane turned around with a small smile. "And good morning to you, Grace."_

_ Grace stood there, blocking the door, her stance was rigid with anger and if looks could kill then he would be dead ten times over. "Don't play cute, Jane." She crossed her arms across her chest. "What the hell are you doing with Lisbon?"_

_ "Nothing."_

_ "Oh you are doing something," she snapped, "you are ignoring her, hurting her, destroying her self-esteem…and she's having a baby, Jane. _Your_ baby." She threw her hands up in the air. "Just what do you have to say for yourself?"_

_ Jane gave her a disapproving look. "This doesn't concern you."_

_ "_I'm_ the one taking care of Lisbon right now so actually it does," Grace shot back. She shook her head with disgust. "What the hell is wrong with you? You had a child already, I thought you'd welcome this opportunity."_

_ He closed his eyes at the reminder of what he had lost. On the surface he supposed he could understand why they assumed he would happily accept this unexpected child but he couldn't change the way he felt. They didn't know the biting terror that was gnawing at him, the fear of having something and losing it all over again. He was a broken man, he didn't want to pick up the pieces…he didn't even know if he could._

_ "I don't want another child, Grace," he told her simply, as if he were dismissing dinner plans._

_ "And this is just about you?" she replied, "She didn't want an abortion and now you're angry because you aren't getting what you want."_

_ "I don't like it when people force my hand."_

_ "She isn't forcing your hand she is having _your child_! She is alone and scared and you should be there for her, not hating her for choosing to keep her baby."_

_ Jane simply shrugged. "I told her what I wanted and she made her decision, I absolve myself from it entirely from now on."_

_ Grace openly gaped at him. "You're just going to ignore the fact that you have another child?"_

_ "This was never a part of my plans."_

_ "Screw your plans!" she was actually shouting now, "This is your child and you should damn well do something for it!"_

_ He was quiet for a very long time before giving her a calm measured look. "To me it's not my child, it's simply a complication."_

_ Grace stared at him with a look of barely controlled rage for a very long time. Then without a second's notice she raised her hand and slapped him hard across the face. Jane lightly fingered his now reddened cheek but didn't say anything while she glared daggers at him. "You're a bastard, Jane. And if this is how you really feel, then this baby is blessed to be with out you."_

_ Then she slapped open the lock and threw the door open before storming away. Jane watched her go but didn't take any satisfaction over the argument, in fact he felt even worse._

_ Mostly because he agreed with her completely._

* * *

Lisbon couldn't help but glance over at Jane several times in the car. She kept on thinking about the conversation she'd walked into between him and Dr. Miller. All she had heard was Jane saying _"She shouldn't"_ but that was the extent of it.

She had her suspicions. With Dr. Miller's pointed farewell to both of them Lisbon wondered how honest Jane had been with his old therapist.

"Well," Lisbon said trying to sound casual. "Dr. Miller seems well."

"She is."

She glanced over at him for a second. "You two had a few minutes to talk in private."

Jane chuckled. "My aren't you curious. I didn't realize you were so nosy."

She rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Jane."

"What do you want to know?" He finally asked, relaxing into his seat.

Lisbon was quiet for a moment, unsure if she really wanted to give him the satisfaction of knowing just how curious she was. But she knew she wasn't going to be able to rest without knowing. "Did you tell her about Alaina?"

"Yes," Jane answered simply.

She blanched and clutched the steering wheel tighter. Jane was talking about their child to other people. She didn't know why that bothered her except maybe because she was afraid of what he might be telling others. "Why?"

"Sophie noticed that I've changed, she asked why and I told her." He stated this as if it really was that simple.

Lisbon was more caught off guard by Jane's statement of his demeanor. "You've changed?"

"Haven't you?"

He had her there. She had changed considerable since her pregnancy and the birth of her child. She knew she was softer now but more cynical, her walls were up around Jane but she was more emotional with others.

But Jane? Had he changed? She didn't know. Lisbon considered Jane's behavior in the past few weeks. He was attentive when he was with their daughter, persistent in trying to find out everything in her life and to garner more time with her. That was obvious. If she were even more honest she'd admit that he was smiling more often, that he seemed to sleeping better if the fewer dark circles under his eyes were any clue. And he wasn't hauled up in his attic at night…actually she had no idea where he went to after they all left in the evenings.

"How is Alaina?" Jane asked, breaking the silence between them.

"She's fine," Lisbon said quickly, "I told you that already."

"I'd like to see for myself." She didn't say anything but stared at the road in front of her. She hated how guilty she felt that Jane hadn't seen Alaina…but she also felt like if she didn't start maintaining some distance than she was dangerously close to lowering her guard.

"We had an agreement," Lisbon reminded him.

Jane shook his head and gave her a frustrated look. "I haven't seen my daughter in three days."

She sighed but still didn't look at him. "It hasn't been a good time, Jane."

"Why not? Is she sick? If she is then I can help."

"She's not sick," Lisbon replied.

"Then what is it?"

Lisbon pulled in the parking lot of the CBI, found a spot and parked the vehicle. She didn't look at Jane and refused to answer his question. Instead she got out of the car and proceeded to head into the building.

Jane grabbed her arm to stop her before she could get far. "I want to see her again."

"Fine." She wrenched her arm away and began to walk away.

"I want a guarantee."

"There aren't any guarantees in life, Jane," Lisbon said simply, knowing that it was a poor response.

"I've done what you asked," he reminded her, "I've waited for you to give me permission, I've given you space."

"What do you want a prize now?"

"No, but I don't want to leave your apartment wondering if I'm ever going to see Alaina again."

"You agreed to my terms," she told him, "if you don't like it, if you want to step away, then just say it."

"I don't want to step away."

"Then what do you want?"

They stepped into the privacy of the elevator and she pushed the button to their floor, still simmering in anger and frustration at the man beside her. He was taking so long to answer her that she wondered if the conversation was over. But then, just before they reached their designated floor, he dropped a bombshell.

"I want to share custody."

Lisbon whirled around to gape openly at him, only to see he was dead serious. The bell dinged when they arrived at their floor and she stormed out of it, too angry to look at him again. Jane hurried to catch up with her. "Aren't you going to respond?"

"No," she told him quickly, "I make it a rule to never acknowledge completely ridiculous statements."

"It isn't ridiculous."

"Of course it is!" she shouted, stopping in her tracks and turning to glare at him. "You really think that I would be willing to share her with you? After everything you did to me?"

"I assumed that was the plan," Jane replied simply, his own voiced raised with his frustrations. "I would agree to your demands to show that I'm serious about being in her life. I have done that."

"You have done _nothing_," she hissed. "Just because you come over once a week to hold her for an hour does not make you worthy to be her father."

He leveled his gaze with her. "I call every single day, I ask, I _beg_ for more time with her but you won't let me."

"That isn't the point," Lisbon replied, "you haven't proven anything to me."

"I haven't?"

"No."

"What about when you were in the hospital?" he asked, "what about when you were on bed rest for a week and I stayed with you? Or her christening? What about the dozens of times I've apologized for how I treated you in the past? Do you give a damn about any of that?"

She closed her eyes at the memories of the sweet things Jane had done for her and Alaina since the birth of their child. They had touched her, and had given her a small amount of peace. They might be the only reason she hadn't thrown him out of her home every time he asked to see their daughter.

But she shook her head. "It isn't enough."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know why!" She explained, her voice loud and firm. "I still don't know why you ignored me for nine months, why you told me to get rid of her, why you shut me out."

Jane looked up at her and lowered his voice. "I told you, I was afraid."

"So was I! I was scared out of my mind over what was happening but I didn't turn into a complete stranger!" She eyed him for several moments as she took a couple of steadying breaths. "A lot of people are scared, Jane. But that wasn't just fear and you know it. No one turns into a monster because they are afraid, there was more to it and I want to know why."

Tears filled her eyes but she blinked them away. "And until I do, I can't trust you. I can't trust you not to become that man again. If I can't trust you…then I won't share you with her. I _can't_."

Lisbon didn't wait for him to respond; instead she turned and walked back to her office maybe to indulge herself in those tears she'd been holding back. Tears shed for every horrible memory Jane had made during her pregnancy.

He watched her go feeling a lot of remorse, knowing that she was right. He was asking too much. But he was desperate; all he wanted to was to be in his daughter's life.

Jane noticed that half of the office had been watching their argument but the ones who'd had a front row seat were the other members of their team. The three of them all looked away fairly quickly but Grace did look smug. She was taking a bit of delight in his pain, who know the red head had such a vindictive streak?

He simply sighed and headed towards the break room for a cup of team and left the rest of the team to discuss what happened amongst themselves. He wasn't embarrassed, there was no pointed.

They'd had a front row seat to everything before too.

* * *

_While everyone had gotten used to Lisbon and Jane barely speaking it was even more obvious when Grace refused to talk to Jane at all. She spent a good portion of her day seething at him and pointedly looking away whenever he was nearby. She wasn't being subtle about her outrage either. Lisbon had been given a thorough description of the argument from Grace, with more than a few expletives thrown in. She hadn't quite been able to work up the same amount of fury as the younger agent; instead she just felt a deeper resignation that Jane was never going to come around._

_ Unfortunately Rigsby and Cho noticed that Grace wasn't even looking at Jane anymore, she refused to talk about it not because of any loyalty towards Jane but rather because Lisbon had begged her not say anything. Grace didn't agree with that decision, she wanted to tell Cho and Rigsby because she was eager to get them onto Lisbon's side. But Lisbon wanted to keep the salacious details to herself even though she knew that it was more than likely a fool's dream._

_ She coped by pretending that everything was fine, that her team could still function as is. Lisbon still hesitated when she walked into the bullpen; the first thing her eyes went to was Jane sitting on his couch. He glanced at her for a second and then looked away, there was still that rush of pain but she was building a callus towards it…maybe._

_ Lisbon held up the file in her hands. "I checked through the victim's phone history, she was talking to a guy named Harrison Granger quite a bit. He has a record for assault."_

_ "Sounds like we need to talk to him," Cho stated._

_ She nodded in agreement, "But Samantha's husband is coming in, you and Rigsby should talk to him." Lisbon turned to Grace. "Van Pelt, why don't you take Jane and see what you can find out?"_

_ Grace looked up at her and gave her a firm look. "I don't want to go with him."_

_ Lisbon closed her eyes and pressed her lips into a firm line. "Grace, please…"_

_ "Don't force her into something she doesn't want," Jane said from his couch._

_ Lisbon tensed up and turned around to look at him. "Stay out of this."_

_ Jane held up his hands in surrender but his expression showed that he didn't really care; no one missed the subtle edge of the secret that was between them. Of course Grace's stubborn anger was even more obvious._

_ Apparently Rigsby had had enough. "What is going on?"_

_ "Nothing," Lisbon said immediately, apparently she was saying that a lot and the lie kept becoming more and more obvious._

_ "We know that's not true," Cho stated._

_ She sighed. "Grace is just upset with Jane."_

_ Grace rolled her eyes and muttered loudly under her breath. "I hate his cowardly guts."_

_ Rigsby's eyebrows shot up clear to his hairline at Grace's comment. "What did Jane do now?"_

_ "Nothing," Lisbon said again, and again the lie was bad._

_ "Don't defend him," Grace interrupted, "he doesn't deserve it."_

_ "Please," Lisbon begged, "Grace…"_

_ "What is it?" Rigsby asked again, his voice was getting louder with frustration. He turned his head towards Jane. "What did you do to Grace?"_

_ Jane shrugged. "I didn't do anything to her."_

_ His answer was honest and while Jane could probably lie to Satan himself, there was no doubt he was telling the truth now. Of course that only made Rigsby more confused. "Then what are you mad about, Grace?" His voice was softer now that he was focused on her._

_ Grace pursed her lips and looked towards Lisbon who simply shook her head. She didn't want Grace revealing anything._

_ Her baby kicked then, hard. It always did that when she was upset, as if it didn't like it when it's mother was sad or angry or miserable. She put a hand on her now obviously pregnant stomach and rubbed the spot where her child kicked against her fingertips. Lisbon opened her eyes to see Grace looking at her, then the agent turned to glare at Jane. Lisbon followed her gaze to see that Jane was looking away from both of them._

_ "Oh shit," Cho said, half gasping the statement._

_ Lisbon's eyes flew towards the other agent's face and the look of shock only confirmed that the big secret was out. They hadn't had to say a word in the end; their shameful eyes and guilty looks had said enough._

_ Rigsby turned to Cho and then back to Lisbon. "What?"_

_ But Cho's gaze had turned to Jane, his eyes narrowed as everything was becoming clear. "How could you do this?"_

_ "Do what?" Rigsby asked._

_ Jane was meeting Cho's eyes with a cold look. "It was never a part of my intentions."_

_ "Screw that," he replied, "you should be helping her."_

_ "Cho," Lisbon said stepping towards him. "I'm okay, really."_

_ Cho looked at her calmly. "Don't make excuses for him."_

_ "I'm not," she told him honestly. She knew that here was no way she could excuse Jane's treatment of her and frankly she had no desire to try. "But I'm handling this."_

_ Throughout this exchange her hand continued to rub her belly and the not so veiled references finally made the truth dawn on Rigsby. "Wait a minute…you and _Jane_?"_

_ Lisbon felt the full weight of his words. She didn't say anything but simply closed her eyes and silently wished that things could be simple like they used to be. Her silence was answer enough._

_ Rigsby gaped at Jane, too shocked to be angry at the moment. If Jane felt any shame at being called out as the dead-beat father of Lisbon's child then he sure didn't show it. The awkwardness of the moment was there but mostly what he radiated was icy resolve._

_ The woman in question was the exact opposite. Her face was white and she was wearing pain and shame like a heavy cloak. She covered her face with her hands for a moment and fought back all of her emotions. "Listen all of you, we can _not_ talk about this now. We are professionals and we are going to do our jobs," she said firmly even if her voice wavered a little. "Rigsby, Cho, go talk to Samantha's husband while Jane and Van Pelt go speak to Granger. Let me know if you find anything."_

_ Her orders were given and she waited to see what they would do._

_ For a very long time they all stared at her, as if she was suddenly declaring that she was going to run off and join the circus. She stood firm and hoped that they wouldn't see she was barely keeping herself together. _

_ Then at once they all stood up and gathered their things. The still didn't say a word as they walked out of the bullpen to follow her orders. She knew at the very least Cho and Rigsby would have a long discussion about all of this when they were alone, no doubt Grace would tell them everything later now that it was all out in the open._

_ But she couldn't focus on that right now._

_ Once they were all gone Lisbon sank down onto Grace's now empty seat and lowered her head into her hands. Her shoulders shook with sobs but she didn't make a sound. She had learned how to cry quietly now. She just couldn't shake the cold hard truth what deciding to keep this baby had done._

_ She was destroying this team_

* * *

Lisbon avoided Jane for most of the case, pawning him off to Rigsby and Cho, the latter of whom seemed to be the only one who didn't mind dealing with him. But she was questioning everything she'd said to him in front of the whole office. Had she been too harsh? Dressing him down like that in front of everyone seemed a little mean.

But that wasn't cruelty. No. Cruelty was refusing to look at her when she begged him to listen. When he told her coldly that she should get an abortion or he'd have nothing to do with or the baby. That was cruelty by any definition.

She hadn't tasted cruelty in weeks though. Not since Alaina was born and Jane suddenly became the perfect father she'd wanted him to be. He'd asked for a chance and she'd given him one…right?

Lisbon was still wrestling with herself when she heard a soft knock on her door and looked up to see Grace. The person who had stood by her the most during her pregnancy, who had been there for her when she needed it and held her when she'd cried far too many times. "Hey, you okay?"

She shrugged. "What are people saying about my blow up with Jane?"

"Not much."

Lisbon smiled and shook her head. "Ha ha."

Grace sighed and shut the door before taking a seat across from her friend. "They are mostly just curious to know what exactly happened." She narrowed her eyes. "What _did_ happen?"

"Jane asked to share custody with Alaina."

"You're kidding."

"Nope, he says he wants to know for sure that he'll see her again. He thinks that everything he has done since Alaina was born is proof that he has changed."

Grace shook her head. "What a selfish asshole. Who does he think he is?"

"Alaina's father."

"No, he has to _earn_ that title. Just because he shared his genes with her doesn't make him a father."

Lisbon smiled at her. "I know that." She sighed heavily. "But now I'm wondering if it really is all about protecting Alaina. What if this is about what he did to me? Do you think I might be keeping him from Alaina out of spite?"

"He doesn't deserve to see her."

"I know you believe that and a part of me does too," Lisbon said, "but I don't want to be Jane. I don't want this to be about revenge."

"It isn't," Grace told her quickly. "Is that what you told him today? You said that you couldn't trust him until you know why he did what he did."

"That's true."

"Yes, it is. If you don't know why he treated you so terribly than you can't know for sure that he won't turn around and do it again. And this time Alaina would be the one hurt as well."

Lisbon sighed in relief. "So I am protecting her."

"Yes," Grace agreed, "and if Jane is being punished for being a cowardly bastard than all the better for it."

She smiled at her friend, feeling a lot better. Grace had a way of picking her up when she needed it. There was no way she would ever be able to repay her for everything she had done for her over the past year.

Lisbon was just beginning to relax again but her cell phone rang. She quickly answered it when she saw Cho's number. "Lisbon, what's up?"

Then she listened to a quick account of what had just occurred.

"He did _what?!_"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Jane was still recovering from his plan going well, except for the deranged neighbor and killer that had almost shot him. It was a good thing that Cho and Rigsby had finally showed up to stop him; he didn't relish the idea of having any bullet holes in him.

"That was pretty stupid, Jane," Rigsby pointed out as Cho led the suspect away.

"Eh, it worked didn't it?"

He shook his head and walked off to the side leaving Jane alone.

That didn't last long when Lisbon's car came to screeching halt outside the house and she practically jumped out of the car before the wheels had even stopped turning. She was pissed; there was no denying that.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Lisbon shouted as soon as she was within sight of him.

"I was thinking that you would like this case solved as quickly as possible."

"By putting yourself up as bait?"

"It worked," Jane reminded her, "it was simple really. The killer knew that Winchester was on to him so he killed him, he would be paranoid to find out what he told before he died. All I had to do was give a few people the idea that _maybe_ he'd told Sophie something and the killer would have to come out of hiding to stop it."

"And you set it up here, at his home?"

"It's the logical place."

She threw up her hands in disgust. "And of course you don't tell me this or anyone else, just hope that Cho and Rigsby are smart enough to follow your instructions and save your ass."

"If I told you, you would have told me no."

"You're damn right I would have."

"And then we wouldn't have caught him."

"And what would have happened if he _killed_ you?"

"Well that would have made you happy wouldn't it?" Jane immediately regretted his words as soon as they were out of his mouth. It was just the result of frustration that Lisbon wasn't letting him in.

She gaped at him in shock, too stunned to be angry yet.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, "that was uncalled for."

"Let me make this clear, Jane." Lisbon told him menacingly, "If I wanted you dead, I would do it _myself_!"

He stared at her for a moment. "I believe you." He did too; he had a feeling that whatever death she had planned for him was long, slow and extremely painful.

Lisbon just groaned in frustration. "Was this all a part of your plan? To make me feel scared and guilty so I'll say 'Oh no Jane, don't get yourself killed, you have our daughter to think of.'?"

"Of course not."

"Well it didn't work," she shot back. "_This_ is why I'm not going to share custody with you, because not only can I not trust you to be there when I need you, I can't trust that you won't suddenly get yourself killed by being so incredibly _stupid_!"

"This has nothing to do with Alaina," Jane told her honestly. She scoffed at him and shook her head. He sighed heavily. "Look, I get it. You don't trust me. I want more but you aren't willing to give it. If that is the case then we'll keep things as they are, just like we agreed."

Lisbon eyed him. "Fine," she said stiffly

She was turned around ready to march away when Jane stopped her in her tracks. "Lisbon," he called out. She stopped but didn't turn. "May I see Alaina tonight?"

She froze in her tracks and let out a low growl that sounded suspiciously like an oath before continuing to walk away.

"I guess, that's a no," Jane muttered. He turned around and headed towards his car, ready for another glum night without the presence of his child. It hurt; this would be the longest he would go without seeing Alaina since she was born, excepting when Lisbon took her to Chicago for a week.

"She's right." Jane looked up to see Rigsby and Cho standing to the side, the former was the one who had just spoken. "She can't trust you yet."

"We've established that."

"If you want to see your daughter, maybe you should try to fix that."

"I already have tried."

"No you haven't," he replied smoothly. "You've been there for Alaina but what about her? She's the one you hurt, not Alaina. Stop pushing her into something she isn't ready for and try to figure out why you screwed up in the first place."

They both gave him hard looks before leaving him alone again.

Jane spent all night wrestling over what they said and what he had done. He didn't come to any answers…but he did come to a way to maybe find some.

* * *

Sophie Miller had been surprised when Jane called her up, especially when he asked if he could see her in private at her office. She did wonder what it could be about and had her suspicions on what it could be. Still, she waited impatiently for him to come.

"Patrick," she smiled when he walked into the door, "why don't you have a seat." She gestured to the chair across from her. Normally that was reserved for her patients…which she had a feeling he might be once again. "I have to admit, I was surprised you called me. I thought that after you found David's killer that would be the end of it."

He nodded and idly stroked his forefinger with his thumb. "I need your help."

"I had a feeling."

Jane smiled at that and finally looked her in the eye. "I told you that I did a terrible thing to Lisbon…what I need to figure out is why?"

"Why we do terrible things?"

"Why I acted the way I did," Jane explained, "it wasn't rational or fair, it doesn't even make sense to me anymore. I tried to pass it off as simply fear but she's right, it isn't the whole truth."

Sophie leaned forward in her seat. "Patrick, you are going to have to tell me more if you want me to help you."

Jane looked away and heaved a long sigh. He closed his eyes. "Alaina was an accident. On the anniversary of my family's death I was drunk and Lisbon took me home, I seduced her."

Sophie raised an eyebrow but didn't react further. "Did you talk to her about it."

"Barely. We both agreed it was a mistake."

"That is a rational reaction after something like that," Sophie pointed out, "you both wanted to forget it ever happened…but that was impossible."

Jane nodded. "Three weeks later she came to me and told me she was pregnant." He looked down at his hands. "I was shocked, I wanted to deny it but there was no way I could. All I could think about was that this couldn't happen, it had to be stopped." He still didn't look at her when he told her the painful truth. "I told her to get an abortion."

"I assume she didn't take that well."

"She hit me."

Sophie's lips quirked up at that statement. "I can understand that reaction." Jane didn't look at all amused by the past though. "Is that what you are talking about, telling her to get an abortion?"

Jane shook his head. "That's only part of it."

"What did you do, Patrick?"

He finally looked up and met her eyes. "I abandoned her. I told her that I wanted nothing to do with her or the child she was carrying. For months I ignored her completely except when she pushed me and then I pushed back, demanding an abortion, to be left alone. Every day I watched her as she got closer and closer to that due date and the more terrified I became, the more I treated her like she was worthless

"I knew I was hurting her and I didn't care. I didn't care that she was carrying my child and I didn't care that she was alone and afraid too. I didn't think I could love that baby and I wanted nothing to do with it. I told her that. I let her know just how little she meant to me, I watched her cry and I didn't give a damn."

Sophie stared him, not bothering to hide her shock. It was a lot for her to take in. That someone she knew and cared about could be a soulless bastard to a woman that had been carrying his child.

Jane expected it and he waited for her to gather her thoughts, knowing without a doubt that there had to be some part of her that was disappointed with him. He was too.

"You changed your mind," she finally said.

"Yes, I did. But that doesn't change what I did." He sighed. "I need to know why. Lisbon needs to know why so that she can trust me again, until then I can't be the father I want to be to Alaina… and I can't be the person Lisbon needs."

Sophie considered that for a moment and smiled a little. "This will take awhile."

"I'll do whatever it takes."

* * *

_Everything was getting worse, it had been hard enough dealing with the pregnancy alone but now that the team knew that Jane was the father she didn't even have the ability to pretend everything was normal. Grace assumed that having everyone stand behind her would make her feel better but that simply wasn't the truth. Every time she watched the team pointedly look away from Jane, refuse to talk to him…it made her feel like this was all her fault._

_ And Jane didn't seem to care._

_ But she did._

_ Lisbon watched from the hallway after returning from one of her many trips to the bathroom. One by one, Grace, Cho and Rigsby packed up their things to leave and didn't so much as glance at Jane. They were all angry with him, couldn't accept that he wouldn't be there for her when she was carrying his baby. She could understand their anger, she felt it herself, but she couldn't just watch as her team was rapidly falling apart._

_ Even Bertram had noticed. He'd called her into his office that afternoon to talk about the "situation with her team."_

_ He didn't know why things were so tense between them, though he did ask. She had played dumb, stating that it was a personal matter that she would resolve herself. Bertram did figure out that Jane was the culprit but was none the wiser as to how exactly. All he did do was insist that she find some way to remind her team that they were professionals. He didn't want personal conflicts to interfere with the job._

_ Lisbon didn't want that either but she was having a hard time stopping it. No one wanted to work with Jane. She was willing but Jane didn't want to work with her and she couldn't go out in the field because she was pregnant. No, she had to fix this. But how?_

_ Now Jane was alone, sitting on his couch with a book as if nothing was wrong, as if the world wasn't collapsing around them._

_ "Jane," she said softly as she walked up to him…but he didn't look at her. "Jane, please, we have to talk."_

_ "I don't see how there is anything we have to talk about," Jane remarked, he still didn't look at her. That hurt worse than his words._

_ Tears filled her eyes and she felt her throat tighten. "Please, Jane." _

_ She didn't know if it was the pleading of her tone or the words themselves but Jane actually closed the book and turned his cold gaze to her. "What?"_

_ Lisbon knew he was playing the fool, he knew exactly what was wrong. "This isn't working. Grace won't look at you, Cho and Rigsby are barely speaking to you."_

_ "That's their prerogative."_

_ "Jane, we have to fix this!"_

_ "And how would you go about that?" Jane asked, his tone was like ice. "Or did you think that I would change my mind because of their petty demeanor."_

_ "Petty?" Lisbon repeated. "They are mad at you because you don't want anything to do with me or the baby."_

_ "And there is only one solution for that."_

_ She shook her head. "You already know my answer."_

_ "And you know mine."_

_ "God dammit, Jane," she shouted. "The team is falling apart and you are content to just sit by and watch!"_

_ He just shrugged. "It's not really my problem now is it?"_

_ Lisbon closed her eyes and tears spilled down her cheeks finally. "You really do hate me and this baby don't you?"_

_ Jane's voice was softer, but still void of emotion. "Hate is a strong word."_

_ She looked at him desperately. "Why, Jane? Why can't you do this? Isn't there something, _anything_ that you want to do?"_

_ Now he stood up, picking up his book. "It's not a question of want. I can't."_

_ Lisbon watched him walk away from her and she knew she'd lost another battle. If she was going to fix the team then she would have to do it alone. Just like she was going to have to have this baby and raise it alone. For the first time in her life she actually hated that word…alone._

_ She numbly made her way to her office to gather her things and maybe drown her sorrows in some chocolate, which had replaced alcohol since her pregnancy. Lisbon sat down in the chair and fought the urge to cry, opening the door to scrounge for the king-size Hershey bar she knew she'd eaten only half of earlier when she realized that something else was on her desk._

_ There sitting on top of an unfinished report and a memo about the upcoming management meeting was the medical history form she'd given Jane._

_ He'd filled it out._

_ It was all there in blue ink. His father had high blood pressure. His mother died of cancer. No history of Alzheimer's, Huntington's disease, diabetes or any other genetic condition. No stillbirths or previous miscarriages in his family. No concerns that his family history would cause any complications with the pregnancy._

_ And there underneath it all on the line for "father's signature" he'd signed his name._

_ Lisbon stopped fighting and let herself cry for a moment. She didn't try and pretend that this was at all Jane's way of saying he'd accepted the baby or the situation. She knew that he'd only done this because it was the right thing to do._

_ But maybe, just maybe, he didn't hate her._

* * *

__A/N: Well what did you think? There might be some redeeming of Jane, but just wait, things are going to get even worse.

Remember to check out the trailer!


	4. Dishonesty and Desire

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: I can't believe this fic has over 70 reviews already. You guys are just so amazing. I liked this chapter a lot, it is fun to twist with people's emotions again but this time you'll see some more of Jane being redeemable...but also a jerk hehehe. And as promised, more Alaina!

I also made a playlist, just like I did for Lavinia!

1. Belong-Cary Brothers: This song really fits Jane's thoughts after the night they slept together, the guilt at what they did and his wish that he could be more for her.

Gone Bad-Sunrise Avenue:Another Jane centric song, it is basically him telling Lisbon to blame him, it's his fault that he's treating her this badly but he can't help it.

3. The Story of Us- Taylor Swift: This is basically the official song of this fic. It totally fits Lisbon's emotions as she tries to talk to Jane about how she feels, how she is depressed that everything has been destroyed between them.

4. How to Save a Life-The Fray: It is about how she is trying to get Jane to change his mind but he won't listen

5. Love The Way You Lie-Skylar Grey: Great song that fits Lisbon's pain as she allows Jane to hurt her like this but refuses to give up

6. It's All Your Fault-Pink: Basically the same thing as before, Lisbon knows that Jane is responsible for all of this too but he won't even look at her

7. Dead Wrong-The Fray: Jane after he changes his mind, he realizes that she was right all a long but he can't get her to believe him

8. Jar of Hearts-Christina Perri: Lisbon's thoughts on Jane after Alaina is born, she can't believe him at all

9. Apologize-One Republic: Come on, this song is word for word practically what Lisbon tells Jane LOL

10. The Reason-Hoobastank: Jane telling Lisbon why he has changed, that he knows he messed up but he is different now

11. I Caught Myself- Paramore: Fits Lisbon's confusion as she starts to feel something for Jane again but can't forget what he did

12. The Last Time-Taylor Swift and Gary Lightbody: Amazing song that totally fits Jane and Lisbon as they are both recognizing how they feel.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**CB:** A lot of my stories are angsty...actually all of them are LOL. I think Jane could potentially act this way too, I'm so glad you like this story

**Amalia:** Gracias. Voy a seguir escribiendo la historia de esta manera, con el presente y flashbacks.

**Merlyin:** Thank you for reading. We are still working on both Hope and Lavinia, actually we JUST updated Lavinia. So of course we will finish those.

**Hal:** LOL yeah, I want Grace to slap him again too! You're right. Jane wants Lisbon to take him at his word, he's been good for two months now, he thinks that should be enough. He finally realizes that she needs to know WHY he treated her so terribly, otherwise she can't be sure he won't go back. He definitely asked for shared custody WAY too soon.

**April:**I know, Jane can just be cruel sometimes, especially when he pushes Lisbon away thinking it's for the best. UGH! But that is why I thought this story might be believable, he changes his behavior so much it gives Lisbon whiplash LOL

**Guest:** Er...thanks I guess. I'm glad you like Lavinia and I'm still working on it...but if you could please leave reviews for Lavinia with Lavinia, that would be nice.

**Guest:** Awww thanks, here is the update! LOL

**Jessica:** Hopefully that OMG is either "OMG JANE IS SO MEAN" or "OMG THIS STORY IS SO AWESOME" LOL

**Guest:** Thank you so much, but I'm not sure Jane wouldn't act like this. He can be pretty cruel when he wants to be, especially when he is afraid and is feeling trapped.

**Donnie Lynch: ** Thank you so much!

* * *

Chapter 4: Dishonesty and Desire

It was early Sunday afternoon that Lisbon got the call. She wasn't surprised to see Jane's name pop up on her cell phone, he always called, every day he called to ask to see their daughter. She'd been keeping her distance from him since the blow up only a few days before, but it was going on six days and she was quickly losing her resolve.

She sighed and answered her phone. "Hey, Jane."

"Lisbon, how are you?"

"Good, things are good," Lisbon told him honestly. "Alaina is asleep right now which is basically a miracle…but she'll be up soon." Why was she telling him this?"

"I'm glad," he told her honestly, "I want only the best for her."

Lisbon actually could believe that, he had never skimped on their daughter after her birth. Jane had a generous nature when it came to those he cared about, it hadn't surprised her that he was doubly so with their child.

She looked down at Alaina who was asleep in her bassinet and imagined when Jane was over and holding her close. She was still angry with him, still couldn't trust him…but she'd be lying if she said she didn't love seeing him with Alaina.

"Jane," she said softly, "do you—?"

At the same time Jane asked. "Can I come and see her?"

Lisbon smiled; she'd been ready to ask him that same question. "Yes," she told him firmly.

She heard him sigh in relief. "Thank you," he told her softly. That filled her with warmth and a bit of guilt; she knew he was relieved because it had been almost a week since he'd seen her. She'd had her reasons then, but she couldn't muster up that same outrage now.

Jane must have run through a couple of red lights to make it to her home so quickly, if there was any doubt of his eagerness to see Alaina it was gone now. She smiled as soon as she opened the door, actually not begrudging him this time. "Hey," she said welcoming him in, "You have good timing, Alaina just woke up."

"Wonderful," Jane agreed with a grin. "I assume she's in her bassinet."

Lisbon nodded and he eagerly walked over to the little crib where Alaina was stretching and wriggling, still a little drowsy from her nap. She sucked on her pacifier and her blue eyes flicked to Jane as he stood over her. He smiled and gently reached in to pick her up, holding her close against his chest. He bent his head and breathed in her scent, closing his eyes as he savored the moment. If there was any picture she wanted to capture, this would be it.

"Hello, sweetheart." Jane whispered to her, "It's daddy. Daddy's here, and I'm so happy to see you."

Jane sat down on the couch with Alaina on his lap. She turned her eyes up to him and slapped her hands at his fingers, she smiled and her pacifier fell from her mouth and onto one of the couch cushions. Lisbon sat down next to them, not feeling the need to do any of the chores she usually did when he was here.

"She's getting really active," Jane pointed out.

Lisbon nodded. "She loves tummy time, but I think it's just because you got her that light up blanket that sings. She likes anything that lights up."

He grinned and looked back down at their daughter who was still trying to scoot closer to him. "She looks so much like you," Jane declared, leaning in to kiss the top of her head.

"Everyone says that," Lisbon replied, "but she has your fingers and I think she's going to have your eyes."

"We'll have to see," Jane said but he was smiling. She had a feeling he liked that idea of Alaina sharing more than just his long fingers and captivating smile.

Alaina took that moment to lift her head and give him a big grin, showing her gums. Jane grinned back and leaned down to rub his nose against hers, an Eskimo kiss. He wrapped his hands around her waist and stood her up so she was bearing some of her weight on her legs.

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "She won't be walking yet."

"I know that," He told her, "I have some experience with babies." She blanched a little at the reminder but Jane only gave her a grin. "But look at her, she's growing up fast, soon enough she'll be standing and walking all on her own."

Jane bounced her a little and Alaina broke out into a wide grin, and then started giggling. "Be careful with her," Lisbon said, feeling a slight panic at the gentle rough housing.

"She loves it," Jane pointed out.

"Yes, well she may be a daredevil like you but don't break her," Lisbon grumbled. She did get the last laugh when Alaina projectile spit up on Jane's shirt. "See, I told you it was a bad idea."

Jane smiled sheepishly and handed the baby to Lisbon. "Thanks for the present, sweetheart."

Lisbon giggled while she grabbed a burping rag to clean up Alaina. Jane stood up to dampen his own rag in the kitchen sink to clean himself up. "Now that's my girl," Lisbon whispered and kissed Alaina's head. Okay, maybe it was petty but she found it funny that Jane's little plans had gone awry there.

"Laugh it up," Jane told her, "but how often has she spit up on you?"

She grimaced, that was about six times a day! "Touché," she replied.

Jane came back from the kitchen and resumed his seat on the sofa with his shirt now damp. She handed him Alaina back who was cooing softly to herself. She settled against his chest, now happy and content. He rested his cheek on the top of her head. "Do you really think she's like me?"

Lisbon nodded. "She's a trouble maker, I know where she gets that from."

"I don't know, I think I see it more a stubborn willfulness which all comes from _you_."

She snorted. "Right, I'm the only stubborn one here."

He grinned. "Perhaps she has the worst of both of us."

"In that case, we're doomed." They both laughed but it didn't escape either one of their attentions that she'd slipped up and said, "we're" instead of "I'm" as she normally would. Lisbon was willing to call it a simple case of going off of the conversation but Jane took it as hope that she was beginning to see that they would be raising Alaina together.

She sighed heavily. "I'm going to do some laundry, try not to get her too wound up again."

"I'm not making any promises," Jane told her honestly.

Lisbon gave him a small glare before standing up to go about her chores and leave father and daughter alone for a short while. That had been a first, having some quality play time with Jane and Alaina.

She tried not to dwell on it, she wasn't getting soft. No, Jane didn't deserve that.

* * *

_ Lisbon was watching the black and white screen, grinning broadly at the image of the baby's head, that part was easy to see. She leaned in a bit closer to get a better look and her smile grew. "It's sucking its thumb isn't it?"_

_ Her doctor chuckled and nodded her head. She inched the fetal monitor along the curve of her belly slowly. "Everything is looking good, a good strong heartbeat and the baby is developing just fine."_

_ "That's great," Lisbon sighed with relief._

_ "Well with you and the father's medical history, it looks like we don't have anything to worry about," her doctor explained._

_ Lisbon chewed on her lip at her doctor's words. She hadn't been able to forget Jane's small gesture; he'd filled out the medical history form like she'd asked. That might be the only thing he did for her and their child but it was something at least. She tried not to read too much into it but she was scraping the bottom of the barrel in order to find something to cling to so she could hope._

_ She was still trying to sort out these thoughts when her doctor asked her, "Would you like to know the sex?"_

_ It took a second for the question to sink in and then Lisbon sat up straighter. "Yes, absolutely, yes!"_

_ Her doctor grinned at her enthusiasm before lowering the monitor a little further. "Well Teresa, you are having a…"_

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_ Grace was waiting for her when she walked back into the CBI office. "How did the ultrasound go?"_

_ Lisbon was smiling happily. "It went great."_

_ "Did you find out if it's a boy or a girl?"_

_ But Lisbon simply gave her another smile. "I'm hungry. Want to go grab lunch?"_

_ "Are you serious?"_

_ "Of course."_

_ "Come on, just tell me!"_

_ Grace continued her begging as they made their way across the street to the small deli where Lisbon ordered the grilled chicken salad and Grace bought her own small Caesar. "You are just stalling, you are doing this on purpose."_

_ "No, I'm really starving," Lisbon told her, taking a big bite of her salad to prove her point._

_ "Will you just stop playing coy?"_

_ "When did you get so impatient?" Lisbon asked, still playing dumb. At Grace's long glare Lisbon grinned and set her fork down. "All right."_

_ Now Grace smiled and sat up straighter. "Finally!"_

_ Lisbon simply gave her another smirk. "Well, we did the ultrasound and my doctor said that everything was fine. The baby is strong, healthy and very active."_

_ "That's great but is it a boy or a girl?"_

_ The agent grinned and Grace's impulsiveness and shook her head. "There is something important I want to ask you."_

_ Grace groaned, "Why won't you just tell me?"_

_ "I'm serious, Grace."_

_ "All right," Grace muttered, "what is it?"_

_ Lisbon took a deep breath before asking Grace the question that had been weighing on her mind for a little while. "Will you be my baby's godmother?"_

_ It took a second for the question to sink in before Grace openly gaped at her. "Really?" Lisbon nodded and Grace gasped before covering her mouth with her hands. "Are you sure you want me? I'm not actually Catholic."_

_ "Of course I'm sure," Lisbon explained, "you have been there for me through all of this and I want my little girl to grow up with you as an example of the kind of person I would like to see her become."_

_ "Oh Lisbon," Grace said blinking back tears, "this is such an honor, I just can't believe that…" She paused as she realized what Lisbon said. She whipped her head up and stared at her once more. "You mean you are having a…girl?"_

_ Lisbon grinned and nodded her head. "It's a girl!"_

_ "A girl!" Grace exclaimed before reaching over the table to give her a hug. "Oh wow, that's so exciting."_

_ "Yeah it is," she agreed, knowing she'd made the right decision to let Grace be the first to know._

_ Grace leaned back in her seat and clapped her hands like an excited child. "A girl, oh this is great. You're excited right?"_

_ "Of course," Lisbon explained, "I raised three brothers, I'm ready for a girl." She gave a happy sigh before turning her attention back to Grace. "I still want you to be her godmother."_

_ "I'd be honored," Grace told her again._

_ "Good."_

_ They turned back to their food wearing matching smiles. "Have you decided on a name yet?"_

_ Lisbon practically chocked. "I just found out two hours ago, I can't decide _that_ fast."_

_ "But now we can start talking names…ooooh and colors. What color do you want the nursery be? I know you don't like pink but I saw the most _beautiful_ pink bedding online and I think you should see it…"_

_ Lisbon sat there and let Grace ramble on excitedly about this and that. She was happy to have someone be as excited about this as she was; it made her feel like she truly was doing the right thing._

* * *

The body was found dumped on the sight of Highway 28 surrounded by roadside litter and scraggly weeds. There was no doubt it was placed their for it's high traffic and the fact that it might have been simply an easy way to get rid of it. Now the highway was cut down to one lane and traffic was maddening at the slew of police cars and the coroner's van, everyone was slowing down to see what was up.

Lisbon ignored it all, she and her team hopped out of the SUV and headed over to the roped off crime scene. The first person she addressed was the lead officer on the scene. "What do we have?"

"Patrol men found the body, no clothes, no I.D., can't tell you much else."

She almost rolled her eyes at the terrible response. "Thanks," she replied before shuffling over to the coroner who hopefully could provide a more detailed report.

Dr. Wallace was already kneeling over the body. She smiled warmly as soon as she saw her. "Lisbon, how's the baby?"

"She's great," Lisbon replied, smiling proudly now, "I'll show you some pictures later."

"Looking forward to it," she replied. The coroner eyed Jane with a bit of reservation, but she was a good soul and didn't acknowledge the awkward situation. Word had gotten around slowly that the father of Lisbon's baby had deserted them, especially at her surprise baby shower when one of the dim-witted secretaries had been foolish enough to buy an onesie with _Daddy's Little Girl_ printed on it. Lisbon hadn't reacted well to that situation.

But the real gossip started after Alaina was born and Jane made it clear to everyone that he was the father. Some people quickly forgot about his MIA status during her pregnancy in lieu of the juicier story of inter-office romance. But others, like Wallace, didn't have selective memory. But she didn't know the whole story, only the team did.

Of course Wallace was a professional, she didn't ask for the story and didn't treat Jane any differently. Lisbon was grateful for that.

"What do we know?" Lisbon asked, wanting to get back to business.

"She died of asphyxiation."

"He strangled her?"

"No marks," Jane pointed out quickly, "he probably used a pillow. Didn't want to look her in the eyes when he killed her."

Lisbon turned her attention to him. "Do you think he felt guilty?"

"Or he was ashamed of her."

She nodded and looked back down at the body. "I guess we'll learn more when we find out who she is."

"I…uh might be able to help you with that." Lisbon and Jane turned around to see one of the forensic techs looking sheepishly up at her.

"You know her?" Lisbon asked.

"Uh…no, I just…I've _seen_ her before."

"Where?"

"In a…uh movie."

She raised an eyebrow. "She's an actress."

Now the man actually blushed. "Sort of…"

"She's a porn star," Jane announced, the cheeky man was actually grinning now.

Lisbon whirled around to gape at him. "What?"

"Well it's obvious from the way the man is embarrassed and of course by our victim's appearance." He gestured towards the body, "enhancements, careful grooming, clearly a lot more than usual is being seen."

She looked down at the fake breasts the victim had and began to wonder if Jane might be right. She turned her attention back to the tech. "Who is she?"

"She's called Sandra Dee."

"You're kidding."

He blushed and shook his head. "She was in…_Hot for Teacher 5_."

Lisbon turned away, already fed up with this case. "Oh God this is going to be a nightmare." But Jane looked amused. She glared at him. "Don't give me that look."

"I'm just standing here," he pointed out but his eyes were sparkling with the mirth that he reserved for cases that he knew were going to be entertaining.

Cho and Rigsby stepped up. "What do we need, boss?" Rigsby asked, eyeing the body a little.

She sighed. "We need to find out everything about, 'Sandra Dee', where she worked, who she knew, what her real name is…" She reconsidered her orders when she thought about what kind of _research_ her teammates would be doing. And Rigsby looked far too eager. "You know what, _Van Pelt_ is going to be looking into our victim. You two scout out the area, see if anyone else saw anything."

"On a highway?"

She gave him a hard look before heading towards her car. Jane was quickly following her. "You're extremely tense today."

"Don't start with me, Jane, I'm not in the mood."

"What? You find out our victim's career and that ruins your day? I had no idea you were so judgmental."

"It's not about what she did, it's the fact that with this kind of case, professionalism goes out the window." She stopped and shook her head. "And I can't believe I am saying this to you, the man who doesn't know the meaning of the word."

His eyebrow rose to his hairline. "That's not fair, not when you are just as guilty as I am?"

"Oh really?"

"What do you call having a baby with a coworker?" Jane asked smiling knowingly, "would you call that professional?"

Lisbon glared at him and walked away. "What?" he said, knowing he'd struck a nerve. "I'm just saying…"

But she didn't turn around, just continued to the car. All the while wondering why on earth she ever thought sleeping with Jane had been a good idea.

* * *

_Grace wasn't able to keep it a secret for long. By the end of the day she already told Cho and Rigsby that Lisbon was having a girl long before Lisbon was able to share the news with her brothers. Cho and Rigsby took the information as well as she'd expected. Cho gave her a smile and told her he was happy for her while Rigsby laughed and congratulated her several times. "I'll need your expertise when the baby comes," Lisbon told him sweetly._

_ "Yeah, but I don't know much about baby girls."_

_ "You don't know much about _girls_." Cho told him._

_ Rigsby swatted at him and the others just laughed at the easy joke._

_ There was a lot of discussion about the baby for a while after that. They were all happy for her and willing to give her some good-natured advice and a lot of congratulations. They were almost as excited as she was that she was going to have a baby girl, even as they all pitched in to convince her that it wasn't cliché to paint the nursery pink._

_ It was an unspoken rule that no one was going to mention the news to Jane. No one asked how she would tell him or if she even would. They all got the impression that she wasn't sure herself. At this point, they all agreed that he didn't really have the right to know, not when he told her repeatedly that he wanted no involvement._

_ Two days went by and no one spoke a word to Jane about the baby. That wasn't anything unusual, they had all gotten used to basically ignoring him unless something came up with a case. Grace was excited about finally knowing the sex, even more so than Lisbon in some ways. She was brimming with excitement, printing off photos of clothing, toys and nursery ideas that she wanted Lisbon to look at._

_ Cho had a feeling that if Grace had it her way then the baby would be dressed in pink lace from the moment she popped out. He knew that she was going to have a hard time getting Lisbon to come around to all of this frilly stuff, he also knew it would be fun to watch._

_ He figured he would talk to Grace later about what gift he should get Lisbon before the kid was born, hell maybe she could buy it for him so he wouldn't have to walk into the baby store himself. Either way he and Rigsby both agreed that it was a good thing she was involved so much, it meant Lisbon wasn't completely alone in all of this._

_ Rigsby could still get pretty worked up over the whole situation, he simply could not believe or understand why Jane wouldn't want to be involved with his child. Cho couldn't either but he had long since learned not to expect anything rational when it came to Jane. The only thing they could do was try and help out Lisbon since none of this was her fault._

_ Cho had been looking forward to going home and catching the final half of the Lakers game but halfway to his car he realized he'd left his phone on his desk. He had to turn around and go back, not a big deal just an inconvenience. He expected to find the bullpen completely empty._

_ He did not expect to find Jane standing by Grace's desk._

_ It only took a second for Jane to realize he was caught like a little kid with his hands in the cookie jar. For a long moment they simply stared at each other, noting that Jane was holding the printed pages of baby stuff Grace had been sorting through._

_ After several long seconds of silence, Jane obviously decided to own up to it. "She's having a girl." His voice was indifferent, the words were not._

_ "I thought you didn't care," Cho replied, crossing his arms across his chest._

_ "I don't." Jane told him simply, he set the papers down on the desk. "These were lying on top."_

_ "No they weren't," Cho said, for once knowing that Jane actually was lying. "She put them in a drawer because she didn't want Lisbon to find them." It was true; he'd watched Grace do that just an hour ago._

_ Jane didn't react to that bit of news beyond a simple. "Did she?" Cho didn't reply, mostly because Jane already knew he was telling the truth. He looked down at the papers, hiding his eyes from the agent. "I just wanted to know."_

_ "Why?" Cho asked him, "If you don't care than it wouldn't matter."_

_ "Idle curiosity." Cho simply raised an eyebrow and Jane gave him an uneasy smile. "You don't believe me?"_

_ "No."_

_ That was clearly surprising to Jane. "So, what do you think then? I'm curious, after everything I've done I'm amazed that anyone has any faith in me."_

_ Cho thought about turning around and walking away but his eyes trailed to the papers that Jane had just been looking at. None of this made any sense, not anymore. But Jane might not be as cold hearted as he wanted them to believe. _

_ "You're a bastard," Cho stated and Jane actually seemed to relax at that statement. "You should be there for her, that's your child, your daughter."_

_ If there was a flicker of pain or guilt than Jane didn't show it. Instead he nodded his head. "I wish I could…but I don't feel anything for them."_

_ "Is that really true?" Cho asked him now, "or maybe you just don't _want_ to feel something…because then you'd have something to lose."_

_ Jane stared at him and Cho didn't miss the look of fear in his eyes. He didn't stick around to savor his victory but took his phone and silently walked away, knowing Jane was watching for him to leave before he could pick up those papers and look through them again._

_ A few minutes ago Cho had been sure that Jane really had lost his heart with his family all those years ago but now…now he wasn't sure anymore._

_ Now there was chance._

* * *

Jane watched from the doorway of Lisbon's office as she bent her head over reports like a busy little bee. He stood there for a short while just enjoying the view. It wasn't until she lifted her head to roll her neck that she saw him standing there.

"What do you want?"

"Nothing," he told her honestly, "just seeing what you are doing."

"You must be bored then."

"Well there is nothing I can do until we get more information on the victim."

She nodded. "Yes, I forgot, paperwork is beneath you."

He just smiled in response. She rolled her eyes and went back to her own paperwork.

Jane decided that he could enjoy the view better if he got a lot closer so he walked around her desk to stand over her. After a moment she stopped ignoring him and lifted her head once more. "Now what are you doing?"

"Looking at paperwork," he replied softly, "I'm seeing how it's done."

Lisbon made a little "hmph" sound and put pen to paper again. He wasn't really looking at her files. He was staring at her.

Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and the contrast between her dark hair and the white skin of her neck was hypnotic. Like dark chocolate and cream. He imagined the wisps of curl at the base were soft like down. She was wearing a scooped top that left some of her shoulder bare. He noticed a spattering of freckles at the curve where her neck met her shoulder and they were tantalizing.

Jane had vivid memories of the night they had conceived Alaina but he had been very drunk at the time. He knew he'd been remiss in committing every part of her to memory, he'd also hadn't been as focused on giving every spot its due attention.

He had the memory of how her skin tasted but it was never as good as experiencing it again and these freckles were begging to be kissed.

Jane didn't fight his instincts. He leaned forward, placing his hands on her desk, trapping Lisbon in between his arms. She tensed immediately. "Jane, what are you doing?"

But he ignored her. He lowered his head, inhaling the scent of her hair, her skin. That combination of lilac, ivory soap and the warm milky scent of their child, it was intoxicating. He heard her heaving breaths as he moved even closer, then the sharp gasp when he pressed his lips to her skin.

She tasted soft and sweet, just as he remembered. He let the tip of his tongue press against her flesh and indulged himself in the flavor even more. Lisbon tensed even more, her breathing was getting harder but she didn't tell him to stop. Jane followed the curve of her neck with his lips until he was kissing the soft spot below her ear. She shivered when he found that spot and he smiled, he remembered how sensitive she was there.

Lisbon turned her head to look at him now, but he didn't move, remaining mere millimeters away from her. They stared at each other for several seconds, just feeling their warm breath fanning each other. He saw her eyes were a deep bright green and were glazed with desire. He knew then that he'd succeeded.

They both leaned in together for the kiss this time.

The first touch of her lips was sinful. But this kiss wasn't soft and gentle; it was filled with passion and frustration that she poured out into him. He'd made her angry for so long, this was her release. Well he'd be happy to take this punishment.

Jane indulged her passion, letting her get rough and fierce. He put his hands on her waist and lifted her up until she was sitting on her desk. She moaned and wrapped her arms around his neck to bring him even closer…

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"Jane? Jane? Are you still with us?"

Jane blinked and looked up to see Rigsby staring at him. "I'm sorry what were you saying?"

"We were looking at the victim's filmography," he explained, "she's been filming for a couple of years."

They were quick to go over titles while Jane took in a couple of deep breaths to get his raging blood under control.

Lisbon turned her head to look up at him. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," he assured her. She gave him a suspicious look before looking back down at the files in her hand, giving him a perfect view of the freckles on her shoulder once more.

She'd been sitting in the chair by his desk and he'd made the decision to stand over her and take a peek at the file…only to be distracted…and then start fantasizing. He ran one hand over his eyes; he couldn't believe he'd done that. He'd had fantasies about Lisbon in the past but he only indulged those in private where they wouldn't distract him, now apparently all it took was one look at her erotic neck and his imagination would run wild.

"That's a lot of movies she did," Grace pointed out, "_a lot_."

"I think quantity is better than quality," Rigsby replied and then coughed in an attempt to cover up his chuckle

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Do you have her real name yet?"

"Uhh…no. We were doing…research."

She was amused by that response. "Do you have anything?"

"She worked for the production company _XXX Pictures_."

"How original," Lisbon muttered and rose to her feet. "All right, Jane and I are going to go talk them, you guys better have something useful when I get back before I get one of the techs to see what you have been looking at instead of doing your job."

That threat made Jane smile as he followed her out. "Nicely done, though with your feelings on the matter, I'm surprised you even want me here."

"Strangely enough, you are the only one I can expect not to be ogling, giggling or staring at anyone there," Lisbon replied.

"So in this instance, I'm the lesser of evils."

"For once."

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The studio or _XXX Pictures_ didn't look too discriminating if not for the name emblazoned on the door. Lisbon ignored it as she and Jane walked into the building. The waiting room was surprisingly comfortable looking with couches and cushioned chairs; the only part that spoke of business that took place here was the erotic art that decorated the room.

She could help but gape at one well hung statue that was resting by one of the chairs. When she finally managed to tear her eyes away she found herself looking at Jane, his eyes were sparkling with amusement and his suggestive look had her lips curling into a smiling and she had to try very hard not to laugh. He didn't even need to say a word; his expression was speaking for him.

The receptionist finally showed up and with her bleached blonde hair and extremely low cut blouse, Lisbon wondered if perhaps she did a few videos on the side herself. "May I help you?"

"I'm Agent Teresa Lisbon, this is Patrick Jane, we are with the CBI. We'd like to speak to David Morningside."

"David is in the middle of a shoot."

"We need to talk to him about one of his employees," she explained, "Sandra Dee."

Now the receptionist looked concerned. "What happened to Sandra?"

Lisbon exchanged looks with Jane. "She's been murdered."

"Oh my God!"

"It's very important that we speak with your boss."

The receptionist nodded, now having a hard time keeping her composure. She picked up the phone and dialed a number. "David? I know you're busy but there are some cops here who want to see you….okay." she hung up the phone and turned her attention back to them. "He'll meet you in his office in a few minutes. It's down the hall, third door on the left."

Lisbon was a little afraid to go back there because she didn't have any desire to actually watch a film being made. But there were windows on the doors and her eyes had a will of their own. She didn't see anything being filmed, thank God, but there was a whole room filled with whips and chains another looked like a set of some kind with a Victorian bed. Oh God!

As soon as they were in the office Jane started laughing.

"Stop it!"

"I'm sorry but your face was just too funny." He chuckled a little and shook his head.

"And you aren't freaked out by all of this?" She gestured around the room. Then Lisbon narrowed her eyes at him. "Do you…?"

Jane laughed again. "No."

"Yeah right."

"What makes you say that?"

"You're a guy and you're breathing."

"That's a bit prejudiced," he pointed out, "not all men enjoy the obviously artificial and false narratives that pornography presents. I'd prefer something more real."

Lisbon rolled her eyes and studied one of the awards that lined the walls of Mr. Morningside's office. "Oh yeah, like what?"

Jane shrugged. "I suppose I'd like to have been a fly on the wall the night we made Alaina."

Lisbon actually choked on her breath and whirled around to gape at him. Questions were on the tip of her tongue but she couldn't find a way to ask any of them. Fortunately she didn't have to flounder for long.

David Morningside walked into the office and he was every inch the director she thought he would be. Black shirt, black jeans, he was trying to appear like an artist instead of the sex producer that he was. She was going to say something but was caught off guard by the way he was studying her.

She glanced at Jane before saying. "Mr. Morningside, I'm Agent Lisbon…"

"Yes," he said looking her up and down. "I'd have use for you, but you'll have to lose a few pounds first."

"What?"

"Trim up, darling. Then you'll be perfect."

Was he serious? "I'm an officer of the law," she told him harshly.

"And let me guess, you want to earn a little more on the side, you aren't the only cop under my employ."

"Uh oh," Jane muttered, clearly enjoying the show.

Lisbon narrowed her eyes. "I'm here to talk to you about Sandra Dee."

"Sandra?"

She nodded. "She was found murdered this morning."

Now Morningside actually paled and he gestured to both of them. "You aren't here for a job?"

"Not your job," Jane replied, still finding this amusing.

"We need to know everything about Sandra."

David shook his head, still reeling from the news. "I can't tell you anything."

"She worked for you."

"And I could tell you her measurements and the best lighting she looks under, but I couldn't tell you who would want to hurt her. She was the one who held the whips in my movies."

Jane raised an eyebrow, "So she liked to be in control then."

He turned to look at Jane with a confused look on his face. "Sure, whatever."

Lisbon didn't know what Jane was getting at but she had other questions to ask him. "Do you have any information on her at all?"

"What can I say? She came here, she performed and I sent her a paycheck for it."

That perked their interest. "Where did you send the paycheck?"

He shrugged. "A P.O. box."

"Not her address."

"No."

Jane turned to look at Lisbon. "Stage name, no address…I think our lovely Miss Sandra was trying to hide what she was doing."

Lisbon raised an eyebrow. "We need to see this P.O. box address."

He nodded. "Sure, Stacey will give it you at the front."

"Great," Lisbon replied. She was ready to get out of there. But before Jane and her could leave completely Morningside's voice stopped her.

"I was serious, if you tighten up that ass I could find some work for you."

Lisbon turned now, wanting to do…_something_ but Jane grabbed her arm. "No, you can't kill him," he whispered and quickly led her out of there. Since when did he have the level head?

She couldn't stop thinking about it though as they made their way back to the front, while waiting for the perky size one receptionist to give them the address where Sandra Dee received her pay checks. She was pouting and she knew it…but she didn't seem to care.

Maybe that was why she didn't put up a fight when Jane offered to drive, she just handed him the keys and slammed the door of the passenger side shut behind her.

Jane knew something was wrong. She didn't talk to him much these days but this wasn't the angry silent treatment but sulking disappointment, and for once she wasn't disappointed in him. He had a pretty good idea what the problem might be though; he just had to tread lightly.

"Something wrong?"

"No," said quickly, still looking out the window.

"You sure."

"I said I'm fine," she snapped.

He knew she was lying. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she continued to look out the window. Then she tried to be sneaky and brush away something at the corner of her eye, one ragged breath later and he knew for sure that she was crying.

"Hey," he said reaching over to lightly tag the back of her hand. "What's the matter?"

"It's nothing," she told him, shaking her head, but now her voice was cracking.

"Lisbon…"

Then the dam burst and stopped trying to hide her tears.

Jane acted quickly. Pulling over at a gas station that just happened to be in front of them so he could give her his undivided attention. She was sitting there with her hands covering her face, crying very quietly. Something she'd learned to do because of him. "You can tell me."

"I'm too fat to be a porn star!"

It was impossible to not react to that. He tried to hide the smile at the ridiculous statement but couldn't help but say. "I had no idea you wanted to be one."

"Shut up!"

He held up his hands defensively. "All right, so if you don't want to be a porn star…"

"Then I'm just fat!" She shouted. "I had a baby, I gained a ton of weight and I…I can't get rid of it!"

"Lisbon," Jane began carefully. "You _just_ had Alaina, you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself."

"Right, because I'm a mom, it's okay that I look awful?"

"You don't look awful." He told her honestly, "and you aren't fat, you're gorgeous."

"I appreciate the lie, Jane."

Now he was tempted to reveal just how much he wasn't lying. If only she knew what had been on his mind just a couple of hours before. But he had a feeling she wouldn't respond to his confession that he had a sexual fantasy with her on her desk.

"It's not a lie," he replied, "You only had Alaina a few weeks ago, you are still adjusting, you can't take the word of a fool who thinks that black fedora makes him an artist."

That did make her crack a smile; she had to know the truth in that statement. But she still wasn't feeling any better. "It doesn't matter what he said, what matters it that I still have to lose ten pounds before I can fit into my clothes again."

She heaved a sigh that was weighted with tears. "I love Alaina so much, I do…but she…she changed me so much that I don't know who I am anymore! I'm not _me_! I can't sleep, everything I own is covered in spit up, all I do is worry. What if I leave her in the car? Do I have enough diapers? What if the people at the daycare aren't taking care of her? Does it make me a bad mother that I have to leave her with strangers?"

Lisbon wiped away more tears. "And I cry. I never used to cry but now I do and I…I don't know why." She finally looked at him with an angry gleam. "You can say something, _anything_. This is your fault anyways!"

Jane couldn't help but smile at her. "I was just waiting for you to finish."

She stared at him for a minute and then cracked a smile herself before shaking her head; she realized how crazy it all sounded. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"I do," He replied sincerely. "You're a new mother, you're tired, you're a little overwhelmed and you are still figuring things out." He smiled gently at her. "I also know that you are an amazing mother to Alaina, and when she's older, she'll know it too."

For the first time in several minutes Lisbon actually appeared calmer. She gave him a small grateful smile. "Thanks." Then she looked straight ahead and sighed. "When will I go back to being me?"

He shrugged. "You'll feel better about things with a little more time, you'll get more sleep. The crying will stop when the hormones finally leave your system, but you aren't ever going to be the same. You know that, the worrying, the doubts, the new softness…that's never going away."

"Does it get any easier?"

"Nope."

Lisbon shook her head and smiled. "Well then, it's a good thing I love her so much because she's ruined me."

He laughed with her and nodded before starting up the car again. He knew she was feeling better now. But Jane decided to add one more thing. "It's any consolation…I can't stop thinking about her either."

"It's different with you."

Jane nodded. "I've been a father before, I knew what to expect."

"That and…" Lisbon stopped for a few minutes and looked away out the passenger window again. She finished softly. "…and you aren't around much."

That hurt. It really did. She was right and wrong all at the same time. "No, I'm not," Jane said woodenly, watching the road in front of him carefully. He didn't look at her. "But you worry when you aren't around Alaina…so do I. And since I don't see her half as often as you do, I worry twice as much."

Lisbon didn't say anything. When he did glance at her he saw that she was still looking away from him and toying with her hands. He knew that meant she felt guilty.

But not enough to make her change her mind.

* * *

_Lisbon had been getting used to the aches and pains of pregnancy, at least as used as any woman could. She hated the massive stomach, the bloating, the backache, tender breasts and the constant need to go to the bathroom. She bore through it all because she knew that it would be worth it the moment she got to hold her beautiful baby._

_ But all day she had been feeling strange, not all together unusual during her pregnancy but this was different. She kept feeling a burning pain in her stomach and she kept going to the bathroom even more urgently. The pain steadily grew worse throughout the day, so much so that she couldn't just pass it off as gas anymore. But Lisbon tried to pretend it was nothing._

_ But that ended when she saw blood in her urine._

_ That second she saw those small ribbons of blood in the toilet she felt herself panic. She'd read all about bleeding during pregnancy, it could be a sign of major complications. She thought that after passing the first trimester the risk of miscarriage was over…but there was always that chance._

_ She had to go to the hospital, _now_!_

_ Lisbon rushed out of the bathroom in a blind panic, racing to the bullpen to see if Grace was there. But the room was empty…except for Jane._

_ Jane was lying on the couch, sleeping or maybe just pretending to sleep. He wasn't any use to her anyways; he'd made it quite clear that he wanted nothing to do with her or her child._

_ She pulled out her phone and dialed Grace's number…but it went straight to voicemail. That was right, she was in court. Cho and Rigsby were interviewing a witness in their latest case, they weren't even in Sacramento._

_ "Dammit," she said, her voice cracking. She was panicking now; she had to get to the hospital._

_ "Yes?" Lisbon looked down to see that Jane was wide-awake and looking at her. He sat up and she actually saw something that appeared to be concern on his face. "What's wrong?"_

_ "I…I don't…" she stammered out but there was no way she could keep this in. Maybe he could even help her. "Something is wrong with the baby, I need to go to the hospital. There's pain and bleeding and I…I need to go."_

_ "Then go."_

_ Lisbon looked around the empty room and realized that there really was only one solution to this problem. "I need you to take me."_

_ Jane's eyes widened and he looked down at her belly. "Me?"_

_ "Jane, Grace is in court, Rigsby and Cho aren't here and I really have to go," Her voice cracked again as she tried to hold in her panic and her tears. "Please, Jane, please could you…?"_

_ "All right," Jane said standing up, "All right I'll take you."_

_ The ride to the hospital was tense. Lisbon didn't say anything just wiped away a few tears and silently prayed_. Dear God, please don't take my baby away. I love her so much; I'm begging you to let me be a mother for real. Please God_._

_ Jane kept his eyes on the road for the most part. But one time he did glance over to see her trying to keep her emotions in check. Maybe he felt sorry for her, maybe he cared, or maybe he was just being nice. "It's going to be okay," he told her softly._

_ She turned to look at him for a moment and then looked back out the window to keep on praying._

_ They finally arrived at the hospital and Jane walked her into the emergency room. The nurse behind the desk was nice as Lisbon stammered out what had happened, she looked concerned but was quick to assure Lisbon that there were a number of reasons that she could have pain and bleeding, it didn't mean she was losing her baby._

_ That didn't stop Lisbon from being afraid._

_ They were quick to usher into a room but not before there was one last awkward moment. _

_ "Are you the father?" the nurse asked Jane._

_ For a few seconds Jane just stared at the woman while Lisbon held her breath._

_ "No," Jane said simply, "No I'm just a friend."_

_ Her heart sank down to her toes as she followed the nurse into a nearby room where they immediately hooked her up to a fetal monitor. "We're going to run some tests but first, let's make sure your baby is all right."_

_ Lisbon continued to pray while they inched the monitor along her stomach, she didn't even breathe, not until she heard the loud and fast bump…bump…bump of her baby's heartbeat. The nurse grinned and pointed at the screen. "There she is, and look, everything is fine."_

_ "Are you sure?"_

_ She nodded. "Yes, heartbeat is strong, there aren't any signs of distress, the placenta is intact. Everything looks good from here."_

_ "But what about the pain and the blood?"_

_ "Let's take a few tests and a sample of your urine and we'll see what's the matter here."_

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_ Lisbon kept reminding herself that she had just seen her baby, had heard her heartbeat so everything was okay. But her heart was still pounding and her hands still shook. The water the nurse brought her helped and she slowly began to calm down._

_ She didn't feel completely better until the nice looking doctor came in with her chart and a smile. "Ms. Lisbon?"_

_ "Yes, do you know what's wrong?"_

_ "It's nothing serious," he assured her, "You have a mild urinary tract infection. It's common among pregnant woman and easily treated. We'll give you some antibiotics and that should knock it right out."_

_ "Really?" Lisbon asked, she couldn't quite believe that it was that simple. After all of the panicking she was perfectly fine._

_ "Yes, you should feel better soon. Of course if the pain continues then you should contact your doctor but there shouldn't be any problems."_

_ She let out a long sigh of relief and actually smiled now. "Thank you, thank you so much!"_

_ It took a while for her to finish filling out the forms and getting her prescription for her antibiotics, but eventually she was walking into the waiting room on her own two feet. She was feeling happy again now that she knew for sure that her baby was okay. _

_ As soon as she walked into the waiting room she looked around for Jane, but her eyes found Grace's red hair first. Grace immediately put down her phone and rushed over to her. "Hey are you okay?"_

_ "Grace," Lisbon breathed out, more than a little surprised that she was here. "What are you doing here?"_

_ "Jane called and told me that he took you to the hospital. He said that you were worried about the baby. She's okay right? Everything's fine?"_

_ Lisbon nodded and Grace sighed in relief. "I have a urinary tract infection but the baby is okay, I have to take antibiotics for a few days but that is it."_

_ "Oh thank God," Grace exclaimed. She shook her head, "Ugh I knew you weren't drinking enough water. That's it, no more coffee, even if it is decaf. From now on it's cranberry or orange juice."_

_ Lisbon smiled at Grace's overprotective nature. "I'm an adult, Grace, remember?"_

_ "I know but I can't help it, I want to be there for you."_

_ "You already are." Lisbon looked around the room searching for the other face she desperately wanted to see. As she'd been sitting on the exam table alone all she could think about was Jane, how he'd taken her to the hospital, actually being nice to her, letting her know that everything would be fine. She wanted him to know that he had been right, she wanted to see if he was as relieved as she was._

_ She wanted to see that he cared._

_ "Where's Jane?" Lisbon finally asked._

_ Grace's face fell and Lisbon's heart sank. The other woman shook her head. "He left…as soon as I got here."_

_ He hadn't even stayed to find out if she was all right._

_ Lisbon felt her throat close up and her eyes filled with tears but she didn't cry yet. She was still desperately trying to hold on to something. "But…but he took me to the hospital, he…he told me it would be okay. He has to care….he has to…"_

_ But Grace shook her head and Lisbon quickly fell apart._

_ She collapsed into a nearby chair as she finally unleashed her tears. She buried her face in her hands while her shoulders shook with sobs. "He just left…why couldn't he stay? Didn't he even want to know?" She couldn't stop crying and she shook her head. "Oh God I'm pathetic, why can't I just accept it?"_

_ Grace sat down beside her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It's okay, Lisbon."_

_ "No it's not," Lisbon told her. She wiped her eyes and turned to look at her friend. "I just want him to care…is that really too much to ask?"_

_ "No," Grace replied, "it isn't. It's not your fault. This is his child, he should be here with you."_

_ Lisbon was quiet and she looked away. "What if he was right…what if he can't feel anything for this baby?"_

_ "It's still not your fault."_

_ "I'm not his wife, this baby isn't Charlotte, how did I ever think that we would measure up? He loves them too much…maybe that's the problem, I'm not _her_."_

_ Grace grabbed her arm and forced her to look up at her. "His wife is dead, nothing in this world is going to change that. You are here, you're alive, you're baby is alive. If he can't understand that the living have to come first than he has bigger problems than him being a complete idiot."_

_ Lisbon knew she was right. She took in a ragged breath, finally no longer crying. "I want him to care."_

_ "I know you do…but if he can't, so what? This baby is going to be loved so much, she won't need him."_

_ She wasn't so sure. Lisbon knew what it was like to wonder about a father's love; she hated the idea of her daughter growing up with that same doubt. But she didn't know if there was anything she could do._

_ More than anything she was beginning to see that night all those months ago was her worst mistake._

* * *

The P.O. Box was purchased by a woman named Samantha Coleman and to everyone's surprise, excepting Jane; she was a wife and mother of three. Apparently her husband reported her missing the night before but SACPD hadn't gone through the recent reports yet when the body was found. Lisbon thought it was up to her to console a grieving husband who not only found out his wife was dead but that she had a secret life as a porn star.

At least, so she thought.

She'd seen that look in Jane's eyes when they interviewed the man. A few tricks later and Jane got the supposedly grief-stricken husband to confess after he reacted to some well placed, and downright vulgar comments by Jane. She'd honestly been surprised Jane was capable of such dirty talk…and tried not to think about how kind of sexy that was.

Instead she focused on something else. "I don't get how you knew." She said while packing her things in her office.

Jane simply shrugged. "She was hiding her identity, which meant she was afraid people would find out what her job was, that meant the exact opposite of who she wanted to portray. She had work done so she had to have come from money at some point, lost it and turned to a life of pornography to return her family to means."

"How did you know the husband did it?"

"Suffocation is such a personal crime and using a pillow generally means shame, the fact that he left her naked on the side of the road proves he was ashamed of her. Now who else would be ashamed but the wronged husband?"

Lisbon shook her head; Jane always amazed her, that never changed. "I don't see how anyone could turn to a job like that."

"She might have gotten away with it if her husband's friend hadn't watched her video."

"Undone by her own success, something ironic about that."

They made their way down the hallway. She expected him to leave for his couch or maybe the attic but to her surprise he followed her onto the elevator. "Where are you going?" she asked point blank.

"What makes you so suspicious all of a sudden?"

That caught her off guard. "I'm not, I'm just…" she shook her head. "It doesn't matter, it's not my business."

He didn't stop staring at her though. "I assume you're heading home."

She nodded, watching the numbers on the elevator go down. "I have to pick up Alaina first."

Lisbon waited for the inevitable question. The one Jane always asked every single day, this time she thought she would grant it. Sure he'd seen her last night too but today had been a good day, he'd solved a case and not in an annoying fashion. She wouldn't mind seeing him tonight.

But to her surprise Jane stepped off the elevator with her and simply waved at her. "See you later, Lisbon."

She nodded and watched him had in the direction of his car. "Sure, Jane."

It was a familiar feeling that sank into the pit of her stomach, one she hadn't felt since Alaina was born.

* * *

_It was an unlucky twist of fate that she had to ride the elevator up with Jane. He'd already been in the box coming from God knows where when she'd stepped on. They'd had no choice but to make eye contact before darting away. Then they had stood there, watching the numbers go up and trying desperate to ignore the tension between them._

_ Lisbon wanted to say something to him. They hadn't spoken since he'd driven her to the hospital two days before; she had no idea if he even knew that she was all right. Things were so weird between them. Just that morning they had attended a press conference, she used to always know to stand by him but now…now she'd searched for an empty place until a nice older man had relinquished his seat. Jane hadn't even looked at her._

_ But he'd taken her to hospital, he'd told her everything would be okay and he'd been right. He wouldn't have said that if a small part of him didn't care._

_ She opened her mouth and shut it again. She smoothed her hair and tried once more. "Jane…I…I wanted to thank you for taking me to the hospital." Lisbon swallowed and continued nervously. "Everything is okay, it was just a urinary tract infection. The baby's fine."_

_ Jane was quiet for a beat. "I assumed so."_

_ He'd spoken. Well that was something! Her little girl kicked in her belly, drawing forth a smile from her mother. "I saw her, heard her heartbeat. Everything is fine, the baby is perfectly healthy."_

_ Jane didn't say a word but she did see him nod slightly. He still wasn't looking at her._

_ Tears filled her eyes. Why couldn't he just turn his head? Just look her in the eye? After everything that happened, everything she had done for him…didn't she deserve to be looked at?' She wanted him back. She wanted her friend that used to tap dance to make her smile and would come to her for a small bit of comfort when he felt sad. _

_ "Jane…"she said very softly. "I miss you."_

_ But he still didn't look at her._

_ And when the elevator doors opened, he walked away and didn't once look back to see the tears streaming down her cheeks._

* * *

Jane's sessions with Sophie were beginning to draw out a pattern. If he wanted to get to the root of the problem he'd had to start at the beginning. That meant explaining his behavior from the moment he'd seduced Lisbon in his hotel room to the second he realized the mistake he'd made treating her like she was less than an ant crawling on the dirt.

It was like talking about someone else, someone whose memories he had but whose motivations he couldn't fathom. It was stranger that had told Lisbon to abort his daughter, a stranger that refused to talk to her for months, a stranger that called their child a mistake.

Not him.

But it was. So he went through the excruciating process of retelling every time he'd given Lisbon a disdainful look or asked her to abort their child. He hated it, hated remembering everything he'd done but he was willing to do whatever it would take to answer Lisbon's question. Why had he hurt her so badly?

"I walked away," he finished, "I didn't ask her anything…I never even looked at her. I literally turned my back to her when she was just trying to tell me that everything was all right." He looked down at the floor. "She told me she missed me and I didn't even give her the courtesy of looking her in the eye."

Sophie was studying him while he spoke. She'd been mostly silent in their sessions why he told her the stories of his sins. This time she looked like she was finally ready to say something.

"You've said numerous times that you didn't care about the baby before she was born." She stated.

"It's true," Jane replied.

"Did you ever think about what would happen when she was finally here?"

"No," he explained, "I tried not to think about the future, I mostly focused on what was happening at the time or the past, I didn't want to think about her."

But for some reason she didn't look so convinced. "If that were true…why did you want to know if the baby was a boy or a girl?"

He was surprised by that question, the same reaction he'd had when Cho posed it all those months ago. "I was curious."

She gave him an obvious look. "Don't you think that tells you something?"

"That I can't stand unanswered questions."

"Or that you cared about the child and you wanted to know if you were having a son or a daughter."

Jane considered her question but shook his head. "I never showed any indication that I cared about her before she was born."

"Are you certain of that?" He smiled a little and gestured for her to continue. "You took Teresa to the hospital."

"Yes, I did."

"You also told her everything would be all right," Sophie reminded him. "You gave her a bit of comfort when you didn't have to."

"I took her to the hospital because I was the only one there and didn't have a choice."

"You could have called her a cab."

Jane shrugged. "All right, I wasn't completely heartless, I didn't force a terrified pregnant woman to drive herself to the hospital. That doesn't mean a truly cared about her or the baby, especially when I left before knowing that she was in fact all right."

Once more Sophie studied him with a small smile on her lips. "Why do you think you told her everything would be okay?"

"She was sitting next to me praying, what exactly was I supposed to say?"

"You could have said nothing."

That was true. He hadn't been obligated to say anything to Lisbon on the drive over to the hospital. He certainly hadn't planned on trying to help her, not when he'd told her consistently that she was well and truly on her own. The words had simply escaped his lips, he hadn't regretted them either, not then and not now.

"I don't know," he admitted, "I just said it."

"What did you think was wrong with her?"

"Excuse me?"

"She came to you, terrified that something was wrong with the pregnancy. You've had some experience; you must have had some idea of what could be the problem."

Jane was quiet as he thought about what she was saying. It was true to a point, he wasn't going to pretend that he had any medical experience to have diagnosed her, but he'd also had his suspicions that it wasn't serious. "I didn't know what was wrong but I didn't think she was losing the baby."

"Why is that?"

"She said she was in pain but it clearly wasn't severe. She wasn't bleeding much, didn't have contractions or anything that meant she was in any danger."

Sophie actually smiled at him now. "So when you left her at the hospital it was with the knowledge that she was more than likely all right."

Jane narrowed his eyes at her. "I see what you are doing. If I knew she was okay, that somehow negates the fact that I left her at the hospital without a word."

She shrugged. "What do you think?"

"I think that I was just a soulless bastard that didn't give a damn enough to stick around."

"But you wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl."

"Why do you keep bringing that up?"

"Because you claim that you did not want to imagine the future when this baby was born," Sophie explained, "but you wanted to know if you were having a boy or a girl. That action makes it impossible to think about the future. Did you imagine your daughter after that? Did it ever cross your mind what she would look like? Whom she would take after?"

He shook his head. "Not often."

She still smiled. "But you _did_."

Jane was quiet for a while and then nodded his head. "Yes…I did." But then he shook his head again. "One action doesn't prove I cared."

"We still have several months to talk about before your daughter was born," Sophie reminded him, "I don't believe this is the last hint that you weren't as soulless as you like to believe."

"You shouldn't think that," Jane told her honestly, "Because the closer she got to giving birth the worse I treated her."

"I believe you." But she still looked like she also believed her previous statement. Sophie put her notes aside and gave him another smile. "I'll see you next week, Patrick."

He nodded at her, bidding her goodbye before leaving her office. The sun was setting when he made it outside but there was one more thing he wanted to do before going home.

Jane pulled out his cell phone and dialed Lisbon's number.

It took her three rings before she finally answered. "Lisbon."

"Hey, it's me," Jane told her, leaning up against his car. "I wanted to ask if I could come over and see Alaina."

Now he waited those few moments for Lisbon to make up her mind. He thought she was receptive to the idea earlier but she'd also had more time to reconsider so it wasn't a guarantee.

"Okay, you can come see her."

Jane grinned, feeling elated now. "I'm on my way."

* * *

Lisbon was actually in a dreamless sleep when something finally shook her from the darkness. It took her a moment to finally open her eyes. When she did she was looking right into Jane's beautiful blue-green irises.

"Hey," he said softly, smiling at her. Jane leaned over to kiss the top of Alaina's head; their daughter was resting on her mother's chest, safely snuggled in Lisbon's arms. Oh yeah, she'd been lying down with Alaina waiting for Jane to come; apparently she'd drifted off before he showed up.

Wait a minute…how had he gotten in?

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Did you pick the lock?"

"Just a little."

"Don't do that again," she warned him seriously. Jane might know how to break into her apartment with ease but that didn't give him the right to just invade her home.

"I knocked for ten minutes," Jane explained, "I thought something might be wrong. But when I did get in I found you like this."

Okay she could understand his concern there. "Alaina kept crying every time I put her down," Lisbon admitted, "the only way to keep her calm was to keep holding her…then I fell asleep."

"And so did she," Jane replied still smiling. "It's adorable, you even sleep the same way." Lisbon looked down to see her daughter curled up on her chest, sleeping peacefully. "She even drools like you," Jane teased.

She glared at him before sitting up slightly. Alaina shifted and cracked open her eyes, and then she let out an angry cry after being disturbed in her sleep. "Shhh," Lisbon whispered and rocked her daughter. "Sorry, baby girl."

He sat down on the couch next to her and once Alaina was quiet, but still unhappy, Lisbon gently handed him their daughter. The baby squirmed and cried again, she wanted to go back to sleep and didn't like that it had been interrupted. "I know, I know," Jane said softly, "your angry at us, but just go back to sleep and you'll feel better."

Lisbon yawned, tempted to take Jane's advice to their daughter but she stretched idly, trying to wake herself up. "Do I smell pizza?"

Jane grinned and nodded. "I had a feeling you would be skipping dinner."

"I thought we agreed I needed to lose weight?"

"I didn't agree to that," Jane replied smoothly, "Besides, you know as well as I do that skipping meals isn't going to be good for you, not when you are Alaina's supply of food."

Lisbon glared at him for that statement. "What a lovely way to say it." He simply smiled and continued rocking their daughter. She stood up to go check out the pizza, knowing that he would have gotten her favorite. Supreme with extra mushrooms and olives. Well, one slice wouldn't hurt right?

She ended up eating two and after Alaina finally was asleep in her bassinet, Jane had three. They washed it down with tap water and Lisbon didn't hide her smile. "Thank you," she told him honestly, "I didn't need the calories but…thanks."

"Hey, that's why I'm here. I'm just doing the job I should have done a long time ago."

She didn't argue with him on that point but she also didn't feel the same pain that usually came when she was reminded of what he did. Not at this moment at least, right now she was actually enjoying his company.

But the peace didn't last long. Alaina cried out from her bassinet and they both smiled and shook their heads. "She's right on schedule," Lisbon declared.

Jane nodded and headed over to the bassinet and picked her up. He carefully felt her bottom and smiled. "Yep, she needs to be changed."

"And then fed," Lisbon finished.

"Come on, sweetheart," Jane said softly, "Let's get you cleaned up." She let him take the baby upstairs to the nursery so he could change her diaper while she warmed up a bottle in the kitchen. A few minutes later Jane came back down with a much happier Alaina in his arms.

"Well at least you aren't one of those men who run from dirty diapers," Lisbon remarked, "James hated it, he always tried to get his wife to do it."

Jane simply shrugged. "Well you are responsible for what goes in her, stands to reason that I take care of what comes out."

"That's one way to look at it." Lisbon said. She didn't even think about it, she simply handed Jane the bottle. He grinned at her before accepting it.

But Alaina was in a stubborn mood. She turned her face away from the bottle and cried out instead. Jane stood up and tried walking around the room with her. "Come on, sweetheart," he said softly, "I know you're hungry."

The wails continued and she still refused to take her milk from the bottle. He turned to Lisbon and smiled despite the screaming infant. "Still doesn't like the bottle much does she?"

Lisbon grimaced and shook her head. "No, it's weird. She doesn't have any problems when she's in daycare."

"That's because you aren't there," Jane told her honestly. "She knows her mommy is here and she'd much rather have you."

"You mean she'd rather have my breasts," Lisbon replied sarcastically, making Jane grin again. She sighed heavily. "I'm not in the mood to fight with her tonight, just bring her over here."

Jane quickly complied, walking over to place her in her mother's arms. Lisbon accepted her and began to unbutton her blouse but stopped when she met Jane's eyes. He saw the reluctance in her gaze and simply smiled. "Lisbon, you can't very well unring _that_ bell."

"That doesn't mean I have to give you a peep show."

"It's a little late for that," Jane reminded her, "Especially after I watched you breastfeed dozens of times when I stayed with you after she was born."

She glared at him a little before finishing unbuttoning her shirt and peeling off the top of her nursing bra to reveal one breast swollen with milk. Alaina was quick to latch on, obscuring the view but that was fine. Jane found the sight of Lisbon nursing their daughter beautiful as it was.

Lisbon didn't say anything for a while, but just looked at their precious child. She still had her eyes on the baby when she finally did speak. "A…about what you said earlier."

"What did I say?" Jane asked, genuinely wondering what she was talking about.

"In Morningside's office…about us."

Jane seemed to think about that for a bit. "Oh, that."

She nodded, looking up to meet his eyes now. "You…you think about that night?"

"Of course," Jane replied, as if it was perfectly normal. He held her gaze, studying her. "Don't you?"

Lisbon shook her head and looked back down at Alaina, she didn't want to see his eyes when they were talking about this particular subject. "No, I never think about it." He didn't say anything for a while. When she looked up she was a bit surprised to see an odd look on his face. "What is it?"

"Why not?" He asked her.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "We said we wouldn't talk about it again."

"I think the child in your arms proves that is impossible."

She sighed before admitting. "I hate thinking about the things drunk, stupid things I've done."

"But you weren't drunk."

"No, you were drunk, but _I_ was stupid," Lisbon explained.

Jane looked away and nodded his head. "I understand," he replied but he didn't sound like he meant it. Instead it sounded like he wanted to end this conversation. That was fine with her, she didn't want to talk about it either.

Alaina fed for another few minutes before finally turning her head away from her mother's breast. Lisbon lifted her up and rubbed her back until she finally burped, and wiped away some of the spit up that had dribbled down her chin.

He silently offered to take her back and Lisbon accepted it, placing Alaina in his arms again. "See if you can get her back to sleep," she said.

Jane nodded and gently began to rock the baby back and forth but it only took a few minutes before Alaina fell back to sleep. He met Lisbon's eyes. "I think she's out."

Lisbon nodded. "Until three in the morning, then she'll be up again." She waved her hand before he could speak. "I know, I know. Soon enough she'll be sleeping through the night, I've heard that before."

He smiled and kissed Alaina's head before standing up. "I'll take put her in her crib."

"Thanks."

While he was putting their daughter down Lisbon finished cleaning up the kitchen, putting the remaining pizza in the fridge and throwing away the paper plates. Jane came back down with the baby monitor and set it on the table by the sofa. She turned around to look at him, feeling a little awkward now. "I guess you should go."

Jane nodded but like always, looked reluctant. "I suppose you are right."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Jane."

"Yes you will."

He grabbed his jacket and keys and waved goodbye before finally leaving her apartment. Once he was gone, she sighed and fell back down onto the couch. She didn't know what she was feeling at the moment, an odd restlessness was building inside of her, a strangely familiar feeling that she couldn't quite place.

Then she heard a knock on her door.

Confused, Lisbon stood up and answered it. Only to see Jane standing there again. "Did you leave something?" she asked even though she knew he hadn't.

Jane stood there staring at her with a strange look on his face. He looked a little…lost, afraid and wistful, so many emotions that she was afraid of all at once. "Jane…"she began but lost her voice.

"Lisbon I…"Jane trailed off. Then he reached up and she felt his fingertips lightly ghosting against her cheek. Now her heart was pounding with something she didn't want to feel again.

Then he pulled away, looking exceedingly sorry. "I'll see you tomorrow," he told her quickly before turning around and walking away again.

Lisbon closed the door and pressed her head up against the wood. So many things swirling around her as she realized what she was feeling. It was the same mixture of excitement, fear and hope the night she'd been foolish and slept with Jane, and the night he'd come over drunk wanting the same thing again.

She shook her head, hating herself now for wanting to make the same mistakes that had ruined everything before. No, she wasn't going to feel this way, not now, not for him.

She was done repeating her mistakes.

* * *

_Lisbon was sitting on her couch reading about her developing child. "Week 26- The network of nerves in your baby's ears is better developed and more sensitive than before. He may now be able to hear both your voice and your partner's as you chat with each other. He's inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid, which is essential for the development of his lungs. These so-called breathing movements are also good practice for when he's born and takes that first gulp of air. And he's continuing to put on baby fat. He now weighs about a pound and two-thirds and measures 14 from head to heel."_

_ She looked down at her bump and rubbed it. "Hey little girl, can you hear me now? I can't wait for you to come out so I can see you."_

_ Maybe the book was right because just then her little girl kicked, as if replying to her mother. Now she grinned and rubbed her stomach in response. "That's my girl."_

_ A knock on her door interrupted her bonding time with her unborn child. Lisbon assumed it was Grace but remembered that her friend had a key and she wouldn't be coming this late anyways. Maybe one of her neighbors needed help?_

_ She managed to climb to her feet, not longer quite so easy as it used to be. Then she made her way over to the door and opened it only to be shocked._

_ Jane was standing there._

_ He wasn't wearing his jacket, his vest was undone and his shirt was partly untucked. What was he doing here? Then she saw his bloodshot eyes and smelled the alcohol on his breath._

_ He was drunk._

_ "Jane…"she began softly, wanted to ask why he was here but unable to speak more than his name._

_ He didn't seem to notice. Just took a few determined steps forward and pulled her up against him so he could kiss her._

_ At first she was too shocked to respond. His lips were still full and soft, he tasted like cheap liquor. She simply stood there stunned but when his tongue flicked against her bottom lip she lost control and sank into the kiss._

_ He backed her inside her home, closing the door behind him. He placed his hands on either side of her face while he poured desperation and desire into his kiss. She wanted to let this go on, wanted desperately to just let this continue into the night. But logic finally sank into her brain and she pushed him away._

_ They stood there for a second, breathing heavily from their heady kiss. Then she shook her head. "Jane…what are you doing?"_

_ He pulled her back against him, running one fingertip over her cheek. "I want to forget, just tonight I want to forget."_

_ She shook her head but that didn't stop him from kissing her again. This time she twisted a fought in his grasp before pulling back. "Stop. No, Jane, stop."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "We can't, Jane, not like this."_

_ "I want to," He told her softly, "and so do you."_

_ Lisbon shook her head. "And what about tomorrow? What then?" He didn't say anything, just gave her a blank look. "I can't be the person you turn to for one night of comfort, not now. I need more than that."_

_ She sat down on the couch cradling her bump. Jane remained standing, looking at her with a lost look in his eyes. "What do you want?"_

_ "I want you to care, Jane." She told him honestly. "I want you here. I want you to be a father to your child."_

_ "I don't want to talk about that."_

_ "We have to," Lisbon replied quickly. "We can't stick our heads in the sand and pretend that we aren't going to have a baby…not even for one night." She finally met his eyes. "I want you, Jane. I want all of you. I want you to be here with me…but you have to want this baby too. I haven't given up hope that you will see that something beautiful is happening."_

_ "You should," He told her harshly._

_ She felt those words pierce her heart. Tears filled her eyes but she blinked them away. She turned her gaze towards a spot on the wall straight ahead of her. She could no longer look at him. "You were a father once."_

_ Jane was quiet for a long time. She didn't look at him and he never once turned his gaze away from her. "I can't. I can't do it. Not again, not now. It was a mistake, this was always a mistake."_

_ Lisbon closed her eyes slowly and then opened them again. She didn't look at him. "You should go."_

_ He didn't move for a full minute, but she still wouldn't look in his direction. Finally she heard him walk towards the door, open it and then heard it shut behind him._

_ Only when she was alone again did she let herself cry. She wanted to hope, wanted to believe that Jane would open his eyes and realize what he would be giving up._

_ But hoping was getting so hard when it hurt so much._

* * *

__A/N: Well there you go, both Jane and Lisbon are a little confused about how they feel with Lisbon especially so because she certainly hasn't forgiven Jane for his behavior. But hopefully you guys can see some bright spots there.

But the next chapter might end all of that...

In the next chapter Grace starts pushing Lisbon to date while Lisbon and Jane argue over child support. Meanwhile in the flashbacks, a case brings the team into a web of call girls run by the seductive Lila Briars and a very pregnant Lisbon is forced to watch as the sensual Lila makes a connection with Jane...

Yeah, I'm going into hiding for the next chapter, hehehe.

As always, please review!


	5. A Time to Give up

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: This is a really looooong chapter that is super important and will probably lead to every single one of you hating me. Ah well, it was fun to write at least LOL

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Ace**: First off, congrats, you are my 100th reviewer! Second, while I appreciate the review I'm not sure how I feel about the harsh tone of it. That being said, you are going to get answers to EVERYTHING you said this chapter. Everything I have done so far has been deliberate, including Jane's apparent focus on only Alaina and not Lisbon. She feels the same way you do, and it is for a reason.

**Hal**: LOL you are having the EXACT reaction I want, flip flopping between loving and hating Jane. That is definitely going to continue LOL. Oh yes, Lisbon has had a dramatic few months and you don't know the half of it! LOL Yes Jane is getting help, you'll see that for a while now.

**Jessica**: I hope you like this chapter too LOL

**Ana**: Gracias, espero que les guste este capítulo.

**Guest**: Yes Sophie is a good doctor, she'll continue to help Jane. And yep, Jane'll be a little jealous hehehe.

* * *

Chapter 5: A Time to Give Up

Grace didn't come over nearly as much as she did before Alaina was born, mostly because Lisbon didn't need as much help as she did when she was pregnant. It was also true that Lisbon didn't have as much time for herself now that she had a baby to take care of. The two of them mostly fostered their stronger friendship while on the job, but Grace still took the time to come over every now and then to spend some time with her friend.

"Okay, stay still," Grace told her, lining up the camera for the shot.

Lisbon rolled her eyes but held the wide smile. "You do realize that it is pointless telling baby to stay still, right?"

"Just keep smiling."

A second later she snapped the picture and Lisbon was able to relax again. Grace took a look the photo in the window and grinned. "Awww, now that looks adorable."

She gave the camera to Lisbon for her to look at. Alaina lying on the floor with Lisbon lying next to her, it was easy to see the resemblance between mother and daughter here. "Perfect," Lisbon agreed, "and thanks, my brothers keep complaining that I don't send enough pictures of Alaina with me in them."

"Well this should make them happy."

"We'll see. There is three of them, I can't ever please them all at once," Lisbon remarked jokingly.

Alaina was happy being cuddled on Grace's lap while Lisbon got them both some instant iced tea she happened to have in her kitchen. She handed Grace her glass who accepted it gratefully. "You sure you don't mind that I'm here?"

"Are you kidding? When I'm not at work my time is filled with diapers and bottles and that stupid blanket that sings," Lisbon, "if you're here I actually get to have an adult conversation."

Grace laughed lightly and turned her attention to the baby in her lap. "You hear that Alaina? Your mommy doesn't think you're a good conversationalist."

Alaina simply yawned in reply.

Lisbon grinned. "You see what I have to deal with?"

They both laughed and Grace handed the baby back over to her mother. Alaina was happy with the change, giving Lisbon a big smile before laying her head down on her shoulder. There was no doubt that Alaina loved her mom.

"What about when Jane comes over?" Grace asked innocently, "Don't you talk to him?"

She nodded. "But we talk about Alaina, how she's doing, does she need to be fed, is she sleeping through the night yet, it's always about her."

Grace nodded. "I'm still not sure why you let him come see her."

"I really don't want to have this argument again."

"Okay, okay." She replied throwing her hands up in surrender. "Then lets talk about how you have been wanting adult conversations."

"I _crave_ adult conversations," Lisbon explained with a smile, "tell me something, anything."

Grace's eyes widened and she tried to come up with something that was conversation worthy. "Ummm, I had a blind date last week…that sucked."

Lisbon grimaced. "Really how bad?"

"The guy talked on his cell phone the whole time and then got into a fight with the manager."

"Wow!" Lisbon exclaimed, "That is bad." She shook her head. "I had a date like that once, it ended with me arresting him."

Grace laughed. "You're kidding."

"I wish," she replied. Lisbon sighed happily and rested her cheek on the top of her daughter's head. "Dating sucks."

"I know, especially when you don't really know them."

She nodded. "It didn't do me any good in the end, I had a kid with a man I've never actually dated."

"So you're advice is to wait until I get a drunken phone call?"

"Sure, just make sure the guy is ready for it." Lisbon laughed a little at her joke, but only a little. She wasn't quite ready to make fun of her situation yet.

Grace took a sip of her tea while studying Lisbon. "Have you thought about dating?"

"What?"

"You're single, you shouldn't hide here with Alaina."

Lisbon looked at her as if she was crazy. "I just had a baby, I'm barely able to actually manage as a functional human being and you think I should start _dating_?"

"I just know you'd be content to stay here and not ever put yourself out there again."

That did sound like her. She'd barely dated much before she'd had a baby, preferring to work late and avoid risking her heart. In the end she'd lost it entirely to a man who'd abused it worse than anything she'd ever imagined.

But she didn't think that dating was a good idea either.

"Even if I wanted to date, do you really think I'd actually be able to find someone?"

"Sure."

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Let's look at this logically. I have a world full of men at my disposal, but we should deduct thirty percent for being too old, too young or who live in their mother's basements. Deduct another ten percent for men who hate kids so I'm already starting off with sixty."

She held up a finger. "But then I should deduct fifteen percent of the guys who are intimidated because I'm a cop and actually know how to count to ten without using my fingers. That leaves forty-five, take out twenty percent for the undesirables like your blind date, the ones who only care about themselves. Where am I at?"

"Twenty five percent."

"Okay, another ten percent is disqualified because they are gay, I forgot about them in the beginning. Take out another ten percent for men who are not serious, don't want a relationship or are just trying to find someone to sleep with. That leaves me with five percent."

Grace nodded. "All right, what excuse do you have to get rid of this five percent? Because it seems like all you are left with is decent guys."

Lisbon smiled knowingly. "Think about it. I meet one of these 'decent' guys and I tell him. 'Hi, I'm Teresa. Yes I have a daughter. No I've never been married. How did I manage that? Oh well I have a coworker that is half insane and after working with him for years, decided to sleep with him on the tenth anniversary of his family's death. Oh, I'm sorry, you have to leave?" Lisbon snapped her fingers, "and there goes the last five percent."

Grace shook her head. "You're wrong."

"Nope," Lisbon disagreed, "its just how it is now. It's okay, really. I'm happy with Alaina, the last thing I want is a man in my life."

She smiled and ruffled Alaina's hair. "Girls are better than men anyways."

"Amen!"

They both laughed and Grace got up to put away her now empty glass of tea. Lisbon kept her eyes rooted on her daughter. Alaina was stuffing the leg of her stuffed bunny into her mouth and peering up at her mother. Lisbon smiled down at her. "You are such a pretty girl."

"What's this?"

Lisbon looked up to see Grace was holding onto the yellow pad of paper that Jane had written on a couple of weeks before. His contract with her that he would not abandon her or Alaina again.

Grace continued to study the contract. "I, Patrick Jane, solemnly swear that I will never abandon, ignore, or desert my child. I will never refer to her or any actions that led to her creation as a mistake…" She looked up at Lisbon questioningly.

She sighed and stood up, keeping Alaina close to her chest. "Jane wrote that a couple of weeks ago."

"Why?"

"He found the papers I had drawn up that would allow him to give up his parental rights."

Grace raised an eyebrow. "What did he say to that?"

"He tore them up and wrote that out instead," Lisbon explained, "He told me to keep it and to hold him to it."

She looked over the paper in her hand. "So he's supposed to treat you with respect and provide for Alaina?"

"That's what he said."

"Are you?"

Lisbon shrugged. "I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about all of this, but I know I won't let him treat me like he did before." Grace looked back down at the contract, chewing on her lips. "What?" Lisbon asked, "you have that weird look on your face again."

Grace met her eyes. "Is this why you don't want to date?"

"What?"

"Is Jane the reason why you don't want to see other people?"

Lisbon frowned and shook her head. "No, why would you think that?"

"Well, he treats you like crap for nine months, basically ignoring everything you said or did or the fact that you were having his baby and then suddenly you are letting him into your life again."

"I'm letting him into Alaina's life."

"Alaina is your life," Grace pointed out, "and now there is this."

"That contract has nothing to do with me."

"But you are keeping it."

"He asked me to."

"Exactly! You are doing what he wants. You are letting him see Alaina…and you. You are working with him and talking to him!"

"Now you have problems with me _talking_ to him?"

"He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve any of it," Grace pointed out, "but you are letting him in."

Lisbon narrowed her eyes. "What exactly are you thinking?"

"Maybe you are still hung up on him."

She was shocked at Grace's statement and openly gaped her for a moment. Then she shook her head. "That's is crazy."

"You have a child with him."

"That just means I was an idiot, that doesn't mean I still have feelings for him."

"_Still_," Grace pointed out her words, "So you admit that you had feelings for him once."

Lisbon colored as she realized she had been caught there. She thought about denying it but looked at the facts. She'd slept with Jane one night to comfort him, giving him chance after chance to step up and be a father again after she'd gotten pregnant. There was no use in denying the obvious. "All right, I had feelings for him. But that was a _long_ time ago, anything I felt for him is over with. I'm only talking to him because he is the father of my child and she needs him, that's it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, of course," Lisbon told her quickly.

Grace didn't look too convinced but she nodded her head and put the contract down. Lisbon relaxed back onto the sofa and kissed Alaina's head, trying to quiet the nagging thoughts that maybe she had been less than truthful.

* * *

_Rigsby and Cho were expecting to find the bullpen empty or at the very least, with Grace tapping away on her computer keyboard. They did not expect to find Grace and a very pregnant Lisbon crawling on their hands and knees on the floor._

_ "You know the last time you did this you were looking for a missing diamond," Cho reminded her._

_ Lisbon glared at him, it was impossible to forget Jane's little hunch that a diamond was fake. He'd decided to test it by hitting it with a fire extinguisher and resulted in the very real diamond ricocheting across the room only to be discovered by Rigsby several hours later. "I'm trying to find my sonogram."_

_ "You lost it?"_

_ "No, _I_ didn't lose it," Lisbon replied and turned a pointed look at Grace._

_ The younger agent looked embarrassed. "I told you, I only took it for an hour, I made a copy. That's all."_

_ "If you have a copy then just give her one," Rigsby said._

_ "I don't want a copy," Lisbon grumbled, "I want the original."_

_ "I swear I put it back on your desk!" Grace exclaimed and then thought about it for a moment, "I think…"_

_ "Sure," Lisbon mumbled, clearly believing that Grace had lost the original sonogram since it was no longer in her possession. She heaved a sigh. "It's not here. Dammit!"_

_ "I'll make you a copy," Grace assured her._

_ "I guess that'll have to do," Lisbon said, clearly disappointed. She tried to rise to her feet but her pregnant belly was a hindrance in that regard. She grabbed onto the edge of the desk but still couldn't find her balance and wound up half sprawled on the floor. "Uhhh could somebody help me?"_

_ Rigsby chuckled and walked over to her, he hooked his hands under her arms and hoisted her up and on to her feet again. "Thanks," she told him honestly, "otherwise I'd be stuck on my pregnant ass."_

_ "Maybe you shouldn't be crawling around on a dirty floor."_

_ "I'll take that under advisement." She was dusting herself off when her phone began to chirp and she looked around panicked. "My phone, my phone, where did I put my phone?"_

_ Normally Lisbon always had it on her but her pregnancy hormones had cooked her normally well-put together brain into mush. Yesterday Rigsby found Lisbon's phone in his trashcan, the day before that it had been in the break room fridge._

_ Lisbon began rummaging around on Grace's desk trying to find her ringing phone. Meanwhile Cho glanced over and saw that it was resting in the basket on his desk where his pens were supposed to be. He picked it up and answered. "Lisbon's phone, this is Cho."_

_ She turned around to gape at him while he listened to the dispatch officer. "All right, thanks." He shut the phone and looked her in the eye. "SACPD wants some help, a body was found on 9th, looks like it's a big wig."_

_ "Just what we need." Lisbon grumbled, "I'll waddle to my office and get my things." Then she bit her lip and looked away, trying to sound normal. "Does one of you want to call Jane?"_

_ The awkward silence that followed was deafening. The three agents exchanged looks and bristled with anger and sadness. None of them were exactly on speaking terms with him and Lisbon couldn't blame them really, she didn't want it to be this way but she had no idea how to fix it anymore._

_ "I'll do it," Cho assured her, she wasn't surprised, he was the one that was best at separating his emotions._

_ "Okay," Lisbon said softly, "good, I'll just…go and get my things."_

_ It was difficult and Lisbon knew that she probably would never get used to what had happened with the team. _

_ All she could do was her job._

* * *

It took Lisbon twice as long to get ready in the morning now that she had to pack a diaper bag and haul a baby around. The good thing was that since Alaina still wasn't sleeping through the night, it meant she was usually awake in time to do it all. Now she had the diaper bag on one arm, her briefcase in one hand and Alaina resting in her carrier over the over arm.

"Okay, honey, let's go," Lisbon declared, ready to head out of her home and back into the world.

She decided to stop by the mailbox since she hadn't gotten her mail in a couple of days, she'd forgotten that little task in between bath times and feeding schedules. Her elderly neighbor, Mrs. Katrakis was there trying to open her mailbox. The tiny Greek woman was a force to be reckoned with, sweet and kind when she wanted to be but Lisbon had heard her swear in Greek to the manager when she was upset about something.

"Ahhh baby!" The old woman exclaimed as soon as she saw Alaina. "oh morakee!" She cooed over the baby for a minute before looking up at Lisbon. "Baby looks like mama."

Lisbon nodded and smiled while she turned the knob to unlock her mailbox. "Yes she does."

"Papa must be so proud!"

How the hell was she supposed to respond to that? "Uh…yeah, I guess." Lisbon pulled out the bundle of envelopes, looks like she got in a bunch of pizza coupons and her gun magazine.

"It is good," Mrs. Katrakis said, "a husband should have girls to watch after."

Oh God. She'd forgotten that the old woman kept thinking that she was married. "I'm not married, Mrs. Katrakis, remember?" Lisbon said slowly.

But the woman simply looked confused. "You have baby, you get married."

"That's not how I did it."

She narrowed her eyes and nodded her head. "When I see papa, I tell him. You need to get married!"

Lisbon tried to hide a smile and instead just gave the woman a sharp nod. "Sounds great. Good-bye Mrs. Katrakis."

"Good-bye girl, good-bye morakee." The old woman waved before slowly making her way back to her apartment.

Lisbon watched her go and shook her head. She almost hoped that Mrs. Katrakis did run into Jane sometime, she'd loved to watch him try to explain why he wasn't going to marry her. She was still amused by the idea of it as she sorted through her mail.

Bill…junk, another bill, junk, junk, junk…

Then there was a plain envelope that was addressed to her…from Jane. What the hell? She didn't waste a second before ripping it open and looking at what was inside.

"Son of a bitch!"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The whole team was in the bullpen and working when Lisbon charged in. They all glanced up to see what she was doing, all except Jane who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying his book. She stormed up to him on his couch and glared at him. "What the hell is this?"

He looked away from his book and towards the object in her hand. "That is a check." She waited for him to explain further…and that is exactly what he did. "A check is a piece of paper that designates a certain amount of money can transfer from one account to another."

"I know what a check is!" Lisbon snapped, she hated it when he decided to play with her. "I want to know why you sent this to me."

Jane set the book aside. "Why do you think I sent it to you?"

Lisbon gave him a long hard look; she realized what was going on here. "Oh my God! You sent me child support! How could you do that?"

"It was easy," Jane replied, "I wrote a check and put in the mail."

She glared at him. "You said no child support."

"I also said no contact," he reminded her, "but I changed my mind, the same thing happened here."

"Change it back!"

He shook his head, obviously a little amused by her response. "Come on, Lisbon. It's just a check…just one I will be sending you monthly."

"Oh no, oh no, no, no, no," Lisbon repeated. "That is not going to happen."

"And why not? What reason do have for why I should not support my child? What is possibly so offensive about that?"

"For starters, it is about a thousand dollars more than a reasonable amount," she hissed.

Rigsby's eyes bugged out at that comment. The three members of the team had been watching the argument unfold like it was prime time television. Jane and Lisbon didn't acknowledge them; Lisbon had actually forgotten that they were there.

"Call that back support, to cover the expenses during your pregnancy and your medical bills."

"I don't need your support, I don't _want_ your support."

"Nevertheless, you have it."

"I won't accept it," she replied and thrust the check to him. "Here."

He just looked at her over the piece of paper. "No, I'm not taking it back."

Lisbon tossed the check at him. "Well I'm not keeping it." She turned on her heel to leave the room.

Jane picked up the check and followed her though, leaving the other three members of the team to fend for themselves in their source of entertainment. He closed the office door behind him and she whirled around angrily. "What?"

He offered the check back to her. "Keep it."

"No."

"Keep the check."

"I'm not keeping the damn check!"

For a long moment they simply stared at each other, both of them filled with determination. Lisbon was simmering with frustration and anger while Jane was simply fueling resolve. "Alaina is my child," he pointed out.

Her eyes were still narrowed with anger. "Yes."

"She is my child which makes her my responsibility."

"Only if you want her to be," Lisbon shot back, "You've had problems deciding in the past."

"Is that why you don't want me to pay child support? Because you aren't certain I'm serious about all of this."

She leveled her gaze with him. "You told me that I had to do this on my own. You said that you wanted _nothing_ to do with her."

"Yes, I did but I changed my mind," he said, his words were short and clipped. He was getting frustrated having to repeat this again and again. "You don't have to be alone, I want to help."

"I don't want your money," Lisbon said, "I _never_ wanted your money."

"She's my child, I should help support her in every way, even financially," he stated. Jane took her hand and set the check in her palm. "Take it."

"No," she replied and tried to give it back to him.

"Take the check."

"I said no! Take it back."

"No, keep it. Get used to it, you'll be getting one every month."

Lisbon didn't like the sound of that; she also didn't want to hold on to this check another damn minute. He was going to take it back if she had to shove it down his throat. Actually, that wasn't such a bad idea. "Take. It. Back!" She said before marching over to him.

She didn't actually try to shove the check down his throat, but she did try to stuff it in his pocket. Jane grabbed her wrists in an attempt to stop her but she just tried to shove it down the front of his shirt instead. "Just take the damn check back!" she growled but he was refusing to listen.

They were still wrestling when Rigsby walked in. "Hey, boss I wanted to ask you…" He stopped in his tracks as both Jane and Lisbon whirled their heads around to gape at him.

They were caught like two teenagers by their parents, except they weren't making out. Though it wasn't exactly an innocent situation either. Lisbon had her hand half down Jane's shirt and he had his hands wrapped around her arm trying to stop her, they were both nearly pressed up against one another.

For a full minute the three of them just gaped at one another before Rigsby backed away. "Never mind." The poor man fled as fast as he could.

Lisbon pushed herself away from Jane, still holding on to the damn check. She smoothed her hair while Jane fixed his clothing. They both decided immediately to pretend that had not just happened.

"Keep the check," Jane said as he made to leave the room.

"I'm not keeping it," she called out after him.

This argument was far from over but she wanted to take a few steps back so that she could stop thinking about how she had almost been in his arms again. She never should think about that.

Because she knew those were dangerous thoughts.

* * *

_This case was far too much for a woman in her third trimester of pregnancy to handle. Sure it was bad enough having a local millionaire be murdered but to throw in the area's most expensive call girl ring and Lisbon knew that she was in for a very long week._

_ She didn't know where Jane was but she was anxious to find out how the interview with the woman who ran _Saffron_, the call girl group. Her name was Lila Briars and Lisbon had heard quite a bit about her over the years, mostly her ability to stay out of prison. Rumors abounded that she'd serviced several judges herself to make sure she had a get-out-of-jail free card. She was a bit curious about her._

_ As she made her way to the bullpen she overheard a conversation that made her regret that thought immediately._

_ "Can you believe the eyes that woman was giving Jane?" Rigsby was the one who seemed to be in shock, no doubt he'd been wiping the drool from his face the minute he walked into _Saffron_._

_ "Wait a minute, Lila Briars was hitting on Jane?" Grace asked._

_ "Yes."_

_ "What did he do?"_

_ "She was playing a game with him," Cho stated from his desk, "trying to get inside of his head."_

_ "She was doing a good job too." Rigsby pointed out, "Apparently that's what she does. Sizes people up to put them with just the right girl, it facilitates a repeat visit."_

_ "That's disgusting," Grace grimaced._

_ "Jane seemed to be enjoying himself."_

_ "Really?"_

_ "You know how Jane gets when someone tries to challenge him," Cho told her, "he get's excited, he loves to play those games."_

_ Now Lisbon was beginning to feel sick to her stomach. That was when Grace glanced over and saw her standing by the entrance, Cho caught sight of her too but no one said anything, which is why Rigsby continued._

_ "It's like with Erica Flynn, sparks flying everywhere, I swear I don't know how he does—." Grace took that moment to slap his shoulder and that was when he finally turned around to see Lisbon standing there. "Oh…hi boss."_

_ There was a very long pause as they all glanced at each other awkwardly. Lisbon's little girl kicked, making her presence known to her mother. It made Lisbon feel a little better but it was also a sad reminder that she was carrying Jane's child and he might be off flirting with call girls._

_ She didn't mean anything to him now._

_ But Lisbon put on a brave face and smiled when she didn't really feel like it. "I'm surprised actually, Jane's been looking a lot like a hobo lately, I thought a madam would have more class."_

_ That made Grace's lips twitch and it definitely released some of the tension, even if they all suspected that she was lying. She squared her shoulders and got back to work. "What did Ms. Briars know?"_

_ "She claims she didn't know anything, Jane thinks otherwise." Cho replied._

_ "And what do you think?"_

_ "That Jane is right."_

_ Lisbon nodded. "Well bring her in to interrogation, maybe we can get her to open up a bit more when we make it clear we're not afraid of her reputation."_

_ They nodded and set about to carry out her orders while she tried to suppress the urge to seek out Jane._

_ She didn't care what he did with his life anymore…and when she said that enough it would be true._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Lisbon decided that she really wanted to have a talk with this Lila Briers; it was understandable considering that this was a high profile case involving a notorious madam. She should size up a major suspect herself. It had nothing to do with any jealousy of Jane whatsoever._

_ Lila was a stunning woman with hair the color of mahogany and lips painted a vivid red, everything about her screamed sensuality and sex appeal. She walked like she was on the catwalk and every man was watching her…probably because every man _was_ watching her. Lisbon looked down at her very pregnant belly, the sneakers that she wore because they were the only thing comfortable on her swollen feet and the baggy maternity pants she was wearing._

_ Anyone who stopped to look at her probably were wondering when she was going pop._

_ "Lila Briers," Lisbon began, more like stumbled through the name, "I'm Agent Lisbon, you've spoken with my team."_

_ "Yes," the woman replied, she had the darkest brown eyes Lisbon had ever seen. "Your agent Cho told me that you were in charge," she glanced down at Lisbon's belly, "I suppose I understand why you are staying close to your desk."_

_ Lisbon wasn't sure if she should be insulted or laugh it off. She chose for a middle ground. "Yes, I'm chained to this office until after my maternity leave." She walked around her desk to take a seat, trying to appear as graceful as possible. "I wanted to talk to you about your client Frank Jeffries and his relationship with one of your girls."_

_ Lila sashayed over to the seat in front of Lisbon's desk and perched on the edge, crossing her legs to reveal a good bit of her toned thigh. "Frank had a connection with Elise, I've already spoken to your colleagues about that."_

_ "Now I want you to tell me."_

_ Lila waved one of her hands. "I'm certain Patrick has already filled you in on everything," now her eyes sparkled with mischief. "He has an interesting outlook on the world around him."_

_ Lisbon flinched at the mention of him; she didn't like the way the woman was talking about the father of her child. There was no point in denying that. "What Jane said to me isn't important, I still wanted to speak to you."_

_ But the woman was simply looking at her quizzically. "I'm sorry, I can't get over this."_

_ "Get over what?"_

_ Lila smiled and shook her head. "I usually spot things like this easily but no, not this time." She leaned back in her seat a little and studied her. "You don't seem the motherly type so I can only presume that this wasn't a part of your plans."_

_ Lisbon realized that Lila was talking about her, more specifically, her baby. She put one hand on her stomach self-consciously. "I…no, it wasn't a planned thing but I'm very happy." She knew that she didn't sound convincing, oh she was so happy she was having a baby, it was everything else that was a complete mess._

_ From that look on her face, Lila knew it. "You aren't married or in a relationship that means this really was an accident, the result of a liaison that should have been of no importance."_

_ "We aren't here to talk about me," Lisbon reminded her._

_ "He isn't involved at all is he?" Lila said and for a second Lisbon feared that the woman had figured her out entirely. "The father walked away and you are terrified over the future, it's why you cling to this job right now because it is the only thing in your life that is actually stable at the moment._

_ She tilted her head and continued. "But you aren't that surprised. A strong independent woman like yourself, with an overly protective attitude towards your coworkers, you are used to being the motherly figure. Did you take care of a parent? Your father I presume, that is why you don't have any faith in the father of your child now, it's something you are used to."_

_ Lisbon was doing everything she could to keep from shaking. She hated this, having this gorgeous and manipulative woman peel her apart like an onion. But she hadn't figured everything out, at least that was something._

_ "Congratulations," Lisbon said evenly, "I'd be impressed except I've worked with Jane for years, none of this is new to me."_

_ Lila smiled now. "Patrick is a rare character."_

_ "Yes he is," Lisbon agreed dryly. "But we aren't here to discuss me or Jane but rather you and your business."_

_ "I'm more than happy to discuss my girls," Lila replied casually, "But only with a warrant."_

_ "You doubt I can get one?"_

_ "I have no doubt of your abilities," Lila said. She rose to her feet, still looking like a runway model and outclassing her in every way. "But if you see Judge Marcoway, please let him know that Sandy won't be available this weekend."_

_ Lisbon openly gaped at the woman as she walked away; she knew she'd been played. The biggest question she had right now was if she could win this game._

* * *

On the boring days without cases the team did their best to keep busy. Lisbon always had paperwork available so she wasn't normally too bored. Still it wasn't fun sitting still for long periods of time. After a couple of hours spent hunched over the desk, she stretched and decided to take a break and get some water. No coffee for her yet, she was only allowed one cup a day since she was still breastfeeding, she always reserved that cup for the mornings when she desperately needed it.

When she got to the break room she was greeted with the sight of Jane pouring himself a cup of tea. She gave him a small glare as the walked over to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water. He was smiling; the bastard thought this was amusing.

She took a sip of the water as she made her way out of the room. "Keep the check," he told her as she passed him.

"I'm not keeping the check," she replied icily and continued on her way. But Jane was following her. Fine then, she would just keep on ignoring him.

Lisbon was ready to head back to her office and finish more paperwork but was caught of guard by Grace. "Lisbon, hey I'm glad you are here."

She looked up to see that Grace was at her desk…with a man. Grace was smiling broadly and rushed over, half dragging her over to the stranger. "Lisbon, I want you to meet Kevin, he just joined the Cyber Crimes Unit."

Oh God, this was a set up.

Lisbon smiled awkwardly. "Hello, Kevin," And she shook his hand. Inside she was seething. This was just so embarrassing.

"It's nice to meet you, Agent Lisbon. Grace here was telling me all about you and your daughter."

"I bet she was." Lisbon turned to see that Jane was standing behind them, still holding a cup of tea in his hand…and looking amused.

Grace was glaring at Jane now too. "Kevin, this is Jane, he's a consultant on the team," Grace said icily.

"I'm also Alaina's father," he pointed out quickly.

Kevin looked surprised by that while Lisbon genuinely wished there was a hole nearby that she could crawl into and die. "Yes, he is," Grace grudgingly admitted, "but that ended a long time ago."

Now the stranger turned appreciative eyes to Lisbon. "Really?"

"Uh…yeah," Lisbon said quickly and turned to look at her friend. "Grace can I see you for a moment?"

She didn't give Grace a chance to answer, just grabbed her arm and dragged her out of earshot. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"What? He's single, cute and he loves kids," Grace pointed out, "I thought you two would hit it off."

"With _Kevin_?"

"What's wrong with him?"

Lisbon gave her an annoyed look. "Well he works in Cyber Crimes for one thing."

"That doesn't mean anything," Grace said.

"The last guy I talked to from Cyber Crimes asked me to go to a Star Trek convention!"

Grace shook her head. "Look at him. Look at those arms! Do those arms look like they belong to a Trekkie?"

Lisbon did look over and consider it. "Okay…so he works out…"

She grinned. "He's a swimmer, think about Ryan Lochte's body."

Okay, that didn't sound so bad at all. But Lisbon was still reluctant to be set up, even if the guy did have a body to rival an Olympic champion. "I still _just_ had a baby, Grace. I'm not sure if I even want to date."

"Just go talk to him," Grace pleaded. Then she looked over towards where they had left Kevin. "Crap, we left him alone with Jane!"

They both rushed over there in time to hear the tail end of a story Jane was telling. "And they literally poured the man out of that trashcan, maggots and all. But she didn't get sick, oh no Lisbon is tough, didn't blink an eye when a little bit of bodily fluids splashed onto her shoes."

Kevin was looking very green now, his eyes were wide and skin was pallid. "I…I think I'm going to go." He didn't wait to say goodbye, but immediately rushed away, probably to find a bathroom to throw up in.

"Goodbye, Kevin," Jane called out, looking very pleased with himself.

Grace looked like she wanted to kill him. "I can't believe you did that!"

"I can't believe you told him that story," Lisbon muttered, more angry that Jane was telling war stories about her rather than running off Grace's pick for her.

He shrugged. "He asked what I knew about you, I was outlining your finer attributes."

"By telling him about Trashcan Man?"

"Why not?"

Lisbon rolled her eyes and shook her head; she didn't care to figure out what Jane was thinking anymore. When she looked back at him she saw that he was studying her. "What?"

"So…you are thinking about dating again?"

"Yes she is," Grace cut in quickly.

Lisbon gave her a look but turned her eyes back to him. "Not really, I only just had Alaina."

Jane nodded. "That makes sense, take some time."

"But if she finds the right guy then she shouldn't wait," Grace pointed out.

Now it was his turn to give Grace a look. "Perhaps." His gaze focused on Lisbon though. "I do hope I'd get to meet this 'right guy'."

Lisbon was stunned by that statement and more than a little confused. Since when did Jane want to meet her boyfriends? "Why?"

"They would be in my daughter's life," he pointed out, "I should meet them."

"Well that's my choice now isn't it? I don't need your permission to date."

"No, you don't."

"Good, I'm glad that's clear."

Jane nodded. "But you aren't planning to date right now?"

She blinked at him, a little surprised by that question. "No…I'm not."

He gave her another small nod and took his tea over to his couch. She stared at him for a moment before heading back to her office, more than a little confused.

Apparently, Grace was too.

"What the hell was that?" Grace asked, following her into the office.

Lisbon shrugged. "I don't know, Jane being Jane I guess."

Grace didn't look like she liked that explanation, in fact, she really looked upset. "He seemed…jealous."

"Jane? Jealous?" Lisbon shook her head. "No, he was _not_ jealous."

"He drove Kevin away and then he was _really_ upset when you mentioned dating."

"_You_ mentioned dating and he was not upset."

"Why don't you think he was jealous?"

"Why does it bother you if he was?"

Grace looked away and shrugged. "He should stay away from you. After everything he did he has no right to say anything about you ever again."

She raised an eyebrow. "Well…I agree with you." Lisbon thought that was the end of it and took a seat at her desk. But when she looked up, Grace was still looking at her. "What?"

"Do you want Jane to be jealous?"

"Oh my God!"

"I'm serious."

"No, Grace. I don't want Jane to be jealous. I don't want anything to do with Jane."

"That's not true, you wouldn't let him see Alaina if that were the case."

Lisbon groaned and dropped her head onto her desk. Usually Jane was the only one who got her this frustrated. She sighed heavily and sat up straight again. "I am letting Jane see Alaina because he is her father and I believe a child should know it's mother and father, if they are both halfway decent people. The jury is still out if Jane fits that description but if there is even the smallest chance that he can, then I have to find out. Do you understand that?"

Grace nodded her head. "Yes I do."

"Good."

"But that doesn't mean you don't feel something for him."

She sighed heavily. "I told you earlier, I don't feel anything for Jane anymore."

"Why?"

Lisbon looked down at her desk. "You know why."

Grace stepped towards her. "All throughout your pregnancy you kept giving him chance after chance…and then you just stopped."

"I gave up," Lisbon admitted, "I realized that he didn't care about me at all."

"During the call girl case." She flinched at the reminder and nodded her head. "What happened?"

Lisbon didn't say anything, didn't even look up.

"What did Jane do to you?"

Finally Lisbon met her eyes. "Nothing, he didn't do anything to me. I just realized that I had been a fool…Jane didn't care, he doesn't care about me. Not now. Alaina is the one he cares about, I'm just her mother."

Grace was very quiet as Lisbon's words sank in. "Do you really believe that?"

She nodded. "I have no reason to believe otherwise."

Lisbon turned her attention back to the paperwork and didn't look up, waiting for Grace to leave. Only when she finally heard the soft tread of her friend's footsteps did she sigh and let her emotions sink in.

She didn't want to think about the time when she'd had no choice but to face the fact that Jane had used her for one night of comfort…and that was all he'd cared about. She hated that reminder, especially when she knew he had always meant more to her.

But he didn't anymore…at least, she didn't think he did.

* * *

_Lisbon knew she'd stayed much later than she should have; in fact Grace was probably going to kill her if she found out. Her friend had gotten very protective over the last few months, constantly reminding her that she needed to take things easy now that her body was harboring another person. But that was easier said then done, this night she didn't want to go home where she would be alone and able to think about everything that was happening. Right now she enjoyed having the mind numbing tedium of paperwork to distract her._

_ Her bathroom visits were frequent though, it seemed that as her baby grew her bladder shrank. She made her way back to her office but stopped when she saw that the bullpen was occupied._

_ By Jane…and Lila._

_ Lisbon darted behind a wall to avoid being seen but she couldn't stop herself from hearing, nor her head from peeking around the corner to watch._

_ "You think I don't know you," Lila said, her voice was low and sultry._

_ Jane was smiling at her, that secretive smile he used to hide behind. "You think you do, but you don't. You can't."_

_ "I had a client once, a nice man, owned a chain of surf shops along the coast. He had that same look in his eyes that you do, sadness, guilt, pain, like he was haunted. I found out that he had been in a car accident, driving late one night. He walked away but his wife didn't." She tilted her head and kept her eyes on Jane. "He always asked for one of my girls, she vaguely resembled his wife. But nothing ever happened between them, he never touched her. Turns out all he wanted was someone to sleep beside him…he didn't want to be alone."_

_ Jane was quiet as he thought about her story and then simply shrugged. "That seems like an expensive indulgence."_

_ Lila smiled, clearly amused by his little joke. She shook her head. "What about you, Patrick? Do you want to be alone?"_

_ His smile slowly fell. "No one wants to be alone."_

_ Lila moved a little closer to him. "Have you ever reached out for someone for comfort? In a moment where you just didn't want to feel the guilt and the pain anymore?"_

_ Jane was staring away from her, a very dark look on his face. "Once." He swallowed once his eyes turning to the floor. "It was a mistake, it only made everything worse."_

_ Lila never took her gaze away from him. "She wanted more."_

_ "Yes, more than I can give."_

_ "Poor girl." Jane didn't say anything, but he looked very sad as he simply nodded his head. "What do you want, Patrick?"_

_ He finally met her eyes once more. "Nothing you can give me."_

_ "Are you sure about that?" She smiled gently at him. "I think you liked that moment where you gave it all away…you just need someone who won't have any expectations."_

_ Jane smiled again, clearly amused "Are you offering one of your girls?"_

_ Lila's eyes were dark and her smile could only be described as predatory. "No," she whispered and leaned in even closer to him._

_ Lisbon watched this whole scene like it was in slow motion. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the nightmare that was currently taking place in front of her. Lila kept leaning closer and Jane sat there and let her. He let her put a hand on his leg, let her brush her chest against his arm…he let her place a gentle kiss on his lips._

_ Her heart was pounding in her throat and she could feel the bile rising as she felt sick to her stomach. Still her eyes refused to turn away, even as Lila leaned closer to deepen the kiss._

_ It was only when Jane reached up to Lila's sultry red hair that Lisbon finally couldn't take it anymore._

_ She ran as fast as she could down the hall, away from Jane, away from Lila, away from this horror show that was now her life. A sob escaped her throat but she didn't care, not when she nearly ran into one of the interns carrying a stack of files, sending papers scattering over the floor._

_ "Boss?" Cho was standing by the elevator when she blew past him, he must have seen the tears streaming down her cheeks._

_ The elevator was too slow, the stairs; she had to take the stairs. She had to get as far away from this building as soon as possible. "Boss, wait!"_

_ She threw open the door to the stairwell and dashed down the steps, ignoring Cho and the fact that she could barely see through her tears. She made it down one flight but she had three more to go, then her foot caught on one step and she began to fall forward._

_ Cho grabbed her before she could tumble down the steps, hauling her back against him. The momentum made him crash down onto the hard steps, with Lisbon's now heavy frame on top of him. But he sheltered her, and she was safe…and so was her baby._

_ He sat up, keeping his arms around her as he shifted her so she was sitting on the step. Lisbon barely noticed, all she heard was a horrible gasping sound, like someone was choking. It was her…she was sobbing, crying so hard her throat was hurting. The sound echoed in the stairwell but she couldn't stop._

_ The agent simply sat there beside her, one hand on her shoulder as he let her cry._

_ It took a very long time for Lisbon regain some control of herself. She felt dizzy and sick from gasping so much and her little girl was kicking her hard, scared and stressed from all of the excitement of almost tumbling down the stairs. Lisbon put one hand on her belly and rubbed the spot where her daughter was. "You think I'm an idiot."_

_ "No."_

_ "You think I'm a fool."_

_ "No."_

_ Lisbon wiped her cheeks and sniffled a little, meeting Cho's eyes for the first time. "I do." Cho didn't say anything, just simply stared back._

_ She took in a deep breath and let it out and shook her head. "Nine years. I worked with him for nine years and I thought…I thought I actually meant something to him. God how could I have been so wrong?"_

_ "Were you?"_

_ "Of course I was. I'm nothing to him. Just someone he can kiss when he's drunk but turn his back on in the light of day. The worst part is…I let him. I keep coming back, letting him hurt me, letting him lie to me." She looked away from Cho. "He tells me he loves me and takes it back, says he wants me but pushes me away…and I just keep coming back to him. Why do I do it?"_

_ Cho was quiet for a bit and then simply stated. "You already know."_

_ She thought about it for a moment and then nodded. "Yes, I do." Lisbon sighed heavily, her breath ragged from the tears that were still slowly sliding down her cheeks. She shook her head. "He isn't going to change his mind."_

_ Lisbon covered her face with her hands and shook with sobs once more. "Even when he told me to get rid of it I kept…I still thought that he would come around. Once he stopped being afraid."_

_ She turned red teary eyes to Cho. "But this isn't fear. He can't do it, he said that and I didn't believe him…but now I do._

_ "I really am alone."_

_ Cho simply blinked at her. "No, you're not."_

_ Lisbon stared at him and then gave him a small smile. "Thanks." She sighed heavily. "I want to go home, can you help me get up?"_

_ He nodded and stood up, reaching down to pull her to her feet. "You going to be okay?"_

_ "No," Lisbon answered honestly, "But I'll find a way to get there." She looked up towards the stairs that led to the floor where her office and bullpen were. Was Jane still there? Was he making out with Lila or had they gone somewhere private?_

_ She didn't want to know._

_ "My keys," she said softly._

_ "I'll get them," Cho told her, "meet you at your car."_

_ Lisbon nodded, so grateful that she didn't have to ask. He knew exactly what she needed. She turned around and slowly began to walk down the stairs, being careful this time so she wouldn't fall. After a moment she heard Cho's steps as he made his way up in the opposite direction._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Jane was alone on his couch quietly thinking about everything that was happening around him. He was glad that Lila had left after he'd broken the kiss. Her offer would have tempted any man and while the idea of being able to forget for even a few minutes was appealing…his life was already much too complicated to add her in the mix._

_ Besides…he had more than enough to feel guilty for._

_ He leaned back against the couch and sighed. He was exhausted, not just from lack of sleep but the exhaustion of living with everything that was going on. The worst part was that he knew that this was never going to end, it was far too late. She couldn't get rid of it and end his torment now. He wasn't even sure if he wanted her to do that anymore._

_ Jane knew what he wanted…he also knew that there was no way he would be able to find that part of him again._

_ He was so invested in his thoughts that he didn't notice Cho storm past the bullpen, enter and then exit Lisbon's office. It wasn't until he strode towards him and then stopped at his couch that Jane actually knew he was there._

_ He looked up to him. "Cho."_

_ Jane didn't know what Cho wanted but he certainly didn't expect Cho to punch him hard in the face. He groaned and covered his face with his hands, feeling the blood within a moment. Cho might not have wanted to do permanent damage but the man knew how to throw a blinding punch at any time._

_ "What was that for?" Jane asked, trying to staunch the bleeding._

_ Cho simply glared at him coldly. "You know."_

_ Jane gaped at him for a moment and then caught sight of the keys in Cho's hands…Lisbon's keys._

_ He didn't know why Cho had them but he had a sneaking suspicion that this small act of violence wasn't from just the past few months but something entirely more recent. Had she seen?_

_ Cho didn't say a word but strode away from him in long angry strides._

_ Jane sighed again before standing up to go to the bathroom and clean himself up._

_ Apparently he was still very good at one thing: hurting her._

* * *

Jane kept his head hung in shame as he finished this part of his confession to Sophie. There were several moments in Lisbon's pregnancy that he was thoroughly ashamed of but this was most definitely the worst. Of all of the terrible and stupid things he'd done he knew that this one had hurt her the most.

Even Sophie looked surprised by this one. "You believe she saw?"

"I know she did," Jane admitted, "her behavior changed after that it is the only reason to explain why Cho gave me a punch I thoroughly deserved."

Sophie didn't say anything for a moment but he had a feeling she agreed with that assessment. She leaned back a little, sizing him up. "Why do you believe you kissed her?"

He sighed heavily. "I wanted to forget."

"Just like you did with Teresa, you wanted to forget so you turned to her for comfort."

"No, it wasn't like that."

She smiled now. "You can't have it both ways, Patrick. You say you wanted to forget with Teresa and then with Lila, how can one be different?"

"Lila doesn't mean anything to me."

"And Teresa does?"

"Of course," Jane replied smoothly, "she's the mother of my child."

"She wasn't when you turned to her for comfort," Sophie pointed out. "But you could follow through with her but not with Lila…why?"

"I didn't sleep with Lila, I didn't want to."

"Why not?"

He was a caught off guard by that question. He had to explain why he didn't want someone? There were a myriad of reasons. Her job, her lifestyle, the kind of person she was, how she smelled, all of that contributed to make her undesirable.

But those weren't the answers Sophie was looking for.

"She wasn't the one I wanted," Jane admitted slowly.

Sophie stared at him for a long moment. "Teresa is." It wasn't a question but a statement of fact, still Jane nodded his head. "I she is the one you want, why did you hurt her?"

"Isn't that why I'm here?"

But Sophie didn't take the bait. "You knew she was in the office, you knew she would see."

Jane stopped her there. "I knew it was a possibility."

"And you still did it," she replied. "Why?"

He sighed heavily and shook his head. He was remembering every thought he had that day when the tempting figure of Lila Briers had walked into his life. Just a couple of weeks before he'd been drunk enough to go to Lisbon for one more night of comfort, still unwilling to accept that she was going to have his child.

_ "I want you, Jane. I want all of you. I want you to be here with me…but you have to want this baby too. I haven't given up hope that you will see that something beautiful is happening."_

Jane shook his head. "She wasn't giving up. She was still waiting for me to come around and be the person she wanted me to be."

"Which you did."

"I didn't know that I could," he explained, "not then. So I had to make her see that her hopes were useless, that the best thing for her and the child was to give up…and she did."

Sophie nodded. "She gave up on you just like you wanted…and then you realized you could be a father again, but she can't trust you."

"She doesn't believe me," Jane admitted, "She doesn't even believe that I love Alaina."

"You gave her every reason not to," Sophie pointed out.

"Before she was born," Jane explained, "afterwards I have done everything I can to prove that Alaina means more to me than anything."

"And what about Teresa? What have you done to prove that you care about her?"

Jane was quiet as he mulled over that question. "I've taken care of our daughter."

"That is for Alaina, have you taken any actions to let her know that you have real feelings for _her_?"

He looked away for a long moment and then shook his head. "I don't want her to know."

"Why not?"

"I treated her terribly, I've done it so many times. Before her pregnancy I hurt her, never as badly as I did when she was carrying my child, but I still hurt her. I don't deserve her, not in the least. I have no right to tell her about how I feel."

Sophie raised an eyebrow. "So you allow yourself to love your daughter but not her mother?"

"I haven't hurt Alaina," Jane explained, "And I'm going to do my best to make sure I _never_ do."

"But since you hurt Teresa that means you cannot allow yourself to love her." Sophie shook her head. "Do you honestly believe that will work?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I know I can't stand the idea of her seeing anyone else."

That perked Sophie up. "You were jealous."

"A little."

"What do you believe that means?"

"That I'm a possessive man."

She smiled at that. "And perhaps you aren't quite as willing to let go of Teresa as you claim. You want to be with her, perhaps you should tell her that."

Jane shook his head. "There is no point in telling her how I feel if she cannot trust me. And none of this explains why I decided to abandon the woman I love while she was carrying my child."

"But you admit you love her," Sophie remarked with a smile, "that is progress, Patrick."

"I already knew I loved her," Jane told her honestly, "but love has never stopped me from hurting her."

And that was the truth. He'd loved her for years…and every time she'd gotten close he'd cut away another piece of her heart and crushed it. Again and again and again.

He had to know why.

* * *

_It had been a very long night for Lisbon; she barely slept but spent most of the night letting tears seep into her pillow and keeping one hand on her belly. She was exhausted the next morning but determined to continue on with her life. In some ways she felt better. It was all over now, she didn't have to hope anymore, didn't have to keep trying._

_ Jane wasn't going to be a father to their child. She accepted that, now she could move on._

_ But now where hope used to be there was an empty ache, all she could do was pray that it would go away eventually._

_ The case was still moving forward and what they needed was Lila Brier's cooperation, they needed her client list. Lisbon knew that there was no way a judge was going to give them a warrant, not when it looked like she had dirt on every single one of them._

"Maybe I'll just let Jane screw her, he could get the list that way,"_ Lisbon thought bitterly and then regretted it. Things were over now, she was going to move on with her child and accept that._

_ But the anger still simmered beneath the surface, she couldn't let go of that._

_ She was stepping out of the break room with a cup of herbal tea and a half of her blueberry muffin when Jane caught up with her. Their eyes met awkwardly, there wasn't much unusual about that though. She was going to turn around and head back to her office but to her surprise Jane caught her arm._

_ For a moment all she could do was look down at his hand on her arm, his fingers touching her bare skin. Then she looked up into his eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice was soft and he actually sounded concerned._

_ But her heart was closed to him now._

_ "I'm fine."_

_ "Lisbon…"_

_ "No, Jane, seriously," Lisbon cut him off quickly. "It has _nothing_ to do with you anymore."_

_ There was a flicker of something in his face, guilt maybe. "I wasn't talking about that."_

_ "Of course you weren't," she replied, "that probably never crosses your mind."_

_ She made to leave again but his grip tightened on her arm. When she met his eyes again he looked upset. "You don't know what I'm thinking."_

_ "No, I don't," Lisbon admitted, "the only thing I can judge is your actions. What do you have to say about that?"_

_ To his credit, Jane looked very uncomfortable with that question. At least it proved that Jane knew his actions were reprehensible, even if he still was determined to maintain the course._

_ "I'm sorry, am I interrupting?"_

_ Lila Briers was certainly Lisbon's least favorite person at the moment but she was glad for the opportunity to end this conversation with Jane. The man in question looked like he wanted to get as far away from both of them as possible._

_ "No," Lisbon lied, "It's nothing." She walked over to Lila with what she hoped was a professional stance, "Let's talk in my office."_

_ She led the woman over to her office, not looking back to see if Lila had given Jane any sort of look. She didn't want to know what was going on between them now. _

_ "I'm going to be honest with you," Lisbon said as soon as they were in her office. "We need your list of clients."_

_ Lila raised an eyebrow. "That's a mighty big favor, you better have a good reason."_

_ "One of your clients killed Jeffries, we think he wanted Elise to himself."_

_ "You're certain of this."_

_ "No," Lisbon admitted, "but Jane is."_

_ Lila smiled. "Patrick is very good at what he does."_

_ That made Lisbon flinch from the pain, too many images popped into her head. She still didn't know what happened between Lila and Jane last night. Had they met up later? She couldn't shake the picture of them in bed together; it left a sour taste in her mouth._

_ "Is something the matter?" Lila asked, feigning innocence._

_ "What? No, nothing," Lisbon stated quickly._

_ Lila didn't buy that in the least. "No, something is wrong between you and Patrick, it's very obvious."_

_ "Everything is fine between us."_

_ She narrowed her eyes and focused her gaze solely on Lisbon. "You two have worked together for many years, it's impossible to hide that strong bond between you. You know everything about him, and certainly he knows the same about you."_

_ Lisbon couldn't very well deny that. "Yes, we are close."_

_ "Yet you were just arguing with him."_

_ She scoffed. "With Jane that is a daily occurrence, he's a nightmare in a three piece suit."_

_ Lila smiled at her joke but didn't take the bait. "There is more to it, it's clear that something happened, something personal. He's drowning and for some reason he doesn't seem to have you to hold on to anymore…why?"_

_ Lisbon looked away, she hated this woman, hated how she was so close to figuring everything out. She put a hand on her stomach, gently caressing her child, she wanted that comfort that she was doing something right here._

_ "It's the child isn't it?" Lila decided, "he's upset because you are having a child with someone when he cares about you." _

_ Lisbon wanted to laugh, that would mean Jane actually cared for her. No, Jane wasn't jealous of another man, he was too busy being a selfish bastard._

_ "But the father isn't involved, he left you alone, it doesn't make sense that Patrick would be angry about that," Lila finished, her eyes boring holes into Lisbon. "Your angry, he's sad and afraid so something happened…" She looked down at Lisbon's pregnant belly and her eyes widened. "Oh."_

_ And there it was._

_ Lisbon looked away again, still keeping one hand on her stomach; she didn't want to see the pity in the eyes of a woman like Lila Briers. Especially not after what she'd seen the previous night._

_ Lila sat back in her seat and there was very long moment of silence that stretched between them. "I suppose he found this very hard to accept."_

_ Lisbon closed her eyes and shook her head. "I'm not going to talk about any of this with you."_

_ "No, I don't believe you will."_

_ Lila stood up from her seat, not quite as sultry as she was previously. Lisbon finally looked at her again. "We still need your client list."_

_ "You can't have it," Lila told her, "But I will give you the name of the man I believe is responsible."_

_ "Who is he?"_

_ Lila smiled now at her, a knowing smile. "Tell your team to look into a man named Grant Shaw, but you may need my help to catch him."_

_ "I'm sure Jane will enjoy coming up with something."_

_ "Yes, he does have a flair for the dramatic." Lila gave her another small smile, "We'll be in touch, Agent Lisbon."_

_ Lisbon didn't reply just waited until the woman left the room before letting out a breath of air. She wanted to cry but she didn't think she had any tears left, besides what did it matter if this woman knew what a complete fool she had been?_

_ Only a few minutes later Grace crept into her office, probably to check up on her. "You okay?"_

_ "No," Lisbon answered honestly, "I'm not."_

_ "Cho said you stayed late last night."_

_ "What else did he say?"_

_ "Nothing," Grace admitted, "But something happened didn't it?"_

_ Lisbon smiled bitterly and shook her head. "I made a fool of myself, almost killed my child and realized that Jane is never going to be my baby's father…" she smiled again, "and now to top it all off a madam feels sorry for me. But then again, so does everyone else."_

_ "No one feels sorry for you."_

_ "Don't lie, Grace," Lisbon told her gently, "I know everyone pities me. The stupid fool who's having a baby with a man who won't do anything about it, who treats her like crap…and until now she would have gladly forgiven him for everything he did. Even I feel sorry for me, I fully expect a sympathy note from Red John any day now."_

_ Grace was quiet for a minute as she just looked at Lisbon. Then she leaned over and put a hand on her stomach, pressing down a little so that the baby kicked in response. She smiled up at her. "You feel that?"_

_ Lisbon smiled back. "How can I not? She does this twenty times a day, especially against my bladder."_

_ She laughed lightly and still gave Lisbon a glowing smile. "You're having a baby, in a couple of months you are going to have this beautiful little girl, someone to love and who will love you completely."_

_ "I know," Lisbon said._

_ Grace gave her a serious look. "Jane won't. He won't have that because he chose not to, that's his fault, not yours. We don't pity you, Lisbon. We pity _him_, for turning down something so beautiful. Feel sorry for him…but don't feel sorry for yourself."_

_ Lisbon gaped at her for a very long time, feeling her child kick in her belly with gentle flutterings. "Thank you, Grace."_

_ "Anytime."_

_ And Lisbon knew she meant that. Because she was right. Lisbon wasn't alone; she had her team and her brothers and her unborn child._

_ Jane had no one._

_ By his own choice._

* * *

Jane and Lisbon were still arguing over the check he'd sent her. While they had stopped openly fighting in front of the rest of the office, every time they passed each other in the halls Jane would break the silence by telling her to keep the money. She would respond by telling him no and they would bicker a bit more.

Honestly, she was the one who was angry. Jane was showing all signs of finding this amusing and he was just earnestly trying to get her to keep the money. Lisbon was the one who was frustrated but there was nothing new about that.

"Take the damn check back," she growled at him as she made her way back to her office.

"No," Jane replied, he was actually smiling a little. "It's yours, use it for something."

"No."

"Diapers, clothing, bottles…"

"No."

But Jane just continued. "Medical bills, pediatric consults, daycare."

"No."

"Or even use it for yourself, take a weekend to relax, pamper yourself at a spa."

Lisbon gave him a look as if he was crazy. "Really? Use your money at a _spa_?"

"It's your money now."

"Shut up!"

The argument continued but Jane and Lisbon made their way out of earshot of the rest of the team. By that time all three of them were straining to listen, they all wanted to know what was going on in the Jane and Lisbon soap opera.

When they couldn't hear anymore they all looked towards each other. "She's going to keep it," Cho stated.

"No she won't," Grace replied with authority, "she doesn't want anything to do with him."

"She's letting him see his kid."

"Barely, and he shouldn't even be allowed that much."

Cho gave her a hard look. "You don't think he should be allowed to see his kid?"

"No," Grace said firmly, "not after everything he did." She turned towards Rigsby. "You understand."

Rigsby looked uncomfortable with that statement. "Well…I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

He shrugged. "He wants to see his daughter…I can understand that…and I always thought he should pay."

"You think she should take the money?"

"I think that it's the least he could do."

Grace looked at both men as if they had suddenly announced that they were from the planet Krypton. "Have you guys forgotten what he did to her?"

"No," Cho replied simply. "We just think he's trying to fix it."

"How can he fix it?" Grace asked loudly, "He was awful! He can't take that back. He can't just pretend he asked her for an abortion, that he ignored her, that he told her he wanted _nothing_ to do with her or the baby. And so, what? He changes his mind and you guys just accept it?"

Rigsby and Cho exchanged glances. "Of course not," Rigsby replied, "Jane has a lot to make up for…but it's not to us."

"And?"

"He's trying," Rigsby pointed out, "you can't deny that. It's not our place to question Lisbon's choices."

"I'm questioning _him_," Grace replied, "I can't trust anything he says or does with her."

"Okay," Rigsby agreed, "I can't trust him either, but as a father, I can see why he wants to support his child."

They both turned to look at Cho who simply shrugged. "I always knew he would change his mind."

"How? How did you know?" Grace asked, clearly not believing him.

"I saw some things," Cho said cryptically, "things that proved Jane cared more than he let on."

Grace shook her head. "No, I don't believe that. If he cared he would have been there for her."

Cho just gave her his trademark stare. "Jane does things differently then us."

"That's why I can't trust him."

"It's not your trust that he needs."

Grace was quiet as she realized that Cho was right. Jane hadn't actually hurt her beyond the pain that had spilled over from all of his terrible actions towards Lisbon. But he'd been unbelievably cruel to her very good friend. And _she_ had been the one who'd had to step up to help take care of Lisbon, doing the job that was his.

"I still think she should stay away from him," Grace said, her voice not quite as hard as it was before. "I don't want him to hurt her again."

"None of us do," Rigsby agreed.

"But he will. He'll hurt her again, he always does." She said these words very sadly and then grabbed her coffee mug and headed towards the break room. She obviously wanted to be alone at the moment, feeling like the guys on the team were starting to abandon her side.

That wasn't necessarily the case…but they were a lot closer to forgiving Jane than she was.

Rigsby turned to Cho. "What did you see that made you think he would change his mind?"

Cho shrugged. "Jane said he didn't care…but he did. He did things that proved it."

"Like what?"

But Cho didn't tell him. He was keeping some things to himself.

* * *

_Jane was glad the case was finally over. He wanted to put these last couple of days behind him. He'd already made a muck of things with his own life, he was happy to go back to existing in darkness and shadow. It was better to think about how he'd messed everything up in his life all those months ago, he hated piling on more guilt._

_ But his own personal demon hadn't left the building yet._

_ "Are you comfortable?" Lila asked, her sultry voice was still very hypnotic but still he could resist it._

_ "Getting there," Jane replied before sitting up, maintaining a safe distance from her._

_ She noticed because she didn't move closer, clearly realizing that her charms weren't going to be accepted now under any circumstance. "I should be angry, you took away one of my best clients."_

_ "He killed another one," Jane pointed out, "but I'm sure you'll find plenty more where they came from."_

_ "Of course, I know how to get what I want."_

_ Jane gave her a careful smile and shook his head. "You'll have to look elsewhere."_

_ "I know," Lila said gently, "you wouldn't let yourself go last night, why would you do so now. Especially since Teresa is clearly upset."_

_ Jane's head snapped up. "You leave her out of this."_

_ Lila smiled knowingly. "That's good, you're protective of her. Now why won't you let her see that side of you now?"_

_ He gave her a slow careful perusal but there was no point in hiding the truth now. "You know."_

_ "Yes, she isn't very good at hiding things."_

_ That made him smile. "No, she isn't."_

_ "But I also know you."_

_ Jane shook his head. "You don't know me, you think you do but you don't."_

_ "I know you are better than this," Lila told him, "but you won't let yourself feel what you want."_

_ "It isn't a matter of what I want but what I'm able to do."_

_ "You don't think you are capable?"_

_ "No."_

_ She studied him for a long moment. "I know you lost love, under terrible circumstances, and putting those walls up made you believe that you could protect yourself from it again." Now she smiled again. "But you were wrong…you love her."_

_ Jane noticed that it wasn't a question but a statement of fact. "Yes," he admitted but said nothing more._

_ "But not her child."_

_ "It isn't the same thing."_

_ "No, it isn't," Lila agreed, "The love of a parent is even more powerful." He couldn't argue with that, it was a primal instinct and could overcome the love anyone felt for their lover. He knew that well._

_ "And I know you don't love by halves," Lila continued, "you are consumed by it. That's why you are so determined to make her hate you." She smiled gamely, "It won't work, she isn't the type, she'll pity you first."_

_ He gave her a fake smile. "Just what are you saying?"_

_ "You're wrong. One day you are going to open your eyes and change your mind entirely," Lila told him knowingly, "but you need to be careful. Teresa might not ever hate you but if you take too long…then she'll never forgive you."_

_ "I don't want her forgiveness."_

_ "You will, when you want to see your child, you'll need it." Lila gave him one last knowing look. "I do hope we meet again, Patrick." Then she sashayed away._

_ Jane couldn't say the same but now the gloom was back. It was more than he deserved._

* * *

Lisbon was finishing up her report and checking the clock every minute. If she didn't leave in twenty minutes then she would be late picking up Alaina from daycare. She still had to feed Alaina and bathe her before getting her ready for bed, not to mention feeding and bathing herself. Why weren't there more than twenty-four hours in a day?

She looked up from her work when Jane walked in, that didn't make her feel any better since she was currently frustrated as hell with him. But Jane looked amused, not much of a stretch there.

He held the now crumbled check aloft. "Putting it in my teacup, that was very clever."

Lisbon suppressed a smile; she'd decided to get creative as a way to give him back his damn check. She knew that Jane was the only one who touched that stupid teacup, no risk of a cleaning lady stealing the check for herself.

But Jane placed the check back on her desk. "Keep it."

She groaned. "For the thousandth time, no I will not keep the damn check!"

"Well I'm not taking it back."

"Then throw it in the trash."

"And waste it?" She just glared at him before going back to work typing up her report. Jane was quiet for a few moments and then said. "I assume that your frustration with me means I won't be allowed to see Alaina tonight."

"Good guess," she remarked dryly, she was looking forward to leaving him behind for a few hours now. She didn't look at him, dismissing him as if he were just another object in the room and not the annoying consultant she shared a child with.

But Jane remained where he was, looking at her thoughtfully. "Why won't you keep the money?"

"I already told you…"

"No," Jane cut her off, "I really want to know. What about me giving you child support upsets you so much? If all you wanted was for me to help you…then why can't you accept it now?"

She was quiet for a very long time, not looking at him but not from any annoyance. Finally Lisbon sighed and met his eyes. "You told me that you wanted nothing to do with her…or me, you said that I had to do it alone."

"Yes, I did," Jane repeated, "but I've told you, you don't have to do that anymore." He studied her again for a moment. "Is that why you are doing this, you are trying to prove to me that you don't need me?"

"No," she told him quickly. "I don't have to prove anything to _you_." Lisbon gave him another hard look. "_I_ need to know that I can do this without you."

He looked at her carefully. "Because I told you that you would have to do it alone."

"Yes," she said honestly, "and until I know for sure that you are not going to just abandon me again…I need to make sure that I can do it by myself."

Jane was very quiet for a while before nodding his head. "I understand…but I'm still going to send you child support every month."

"Jane…"

"No, you need to listen," Jane interrupted her again. "I'm going to send it every month because I need to do this. I need to do exactly what I should have done months ago. I want to do the right thing here and you need to let me." He held up a hand to stop her protest. "Keep the checks, but you don't have to cash them."

"What?"

"If you need to prove to yourself that you don't need me then I'll let you do it. But I need to prove to myself and to you that I'm not going to leave you again. That is why I'm going to keep sending you child support, you don't have use them, let them pile up in a drawer somewhere if that is what you would prefer. But keep them…keep them until you are ready to use them."

She looked at him carefully. "So this is like that contract, another way for you to prove yourself."

"Yes," Jane said, "but it is also the right thing to do."

Lisbon sighed and nodded. "All right, I'll keep them but I'm not going to cash them…not yet."

Jane smiled. "That's all I ask."

She gave him a small smile but turned her attention back to the computer while he quietly left. So, Jane was still trying to prove that he was serious about all of this. Okay, she'd let him be the man and send money to support his child, but she wasn't going to use it.

Lisbon picked up the crumpled check and unlocked one of her bottom drawers, stuffing the check inside.

She wasn't going to use it. Jane still hadn't proved himself to her.

Yet.

* * *

_The next day life continued with a new murder and a new case. Again Cho had volunteered to get Jane so they could all go out to the scene, but this time he decided to seek him out rather than call him. Not that Cho really wanted anything to do with him; he was still pissed after having to comfort Lisbon in the stairwell._

_ Still, punching him had felt pretty damn good. Maybe that was why he'd volunteered, he'd like the opportunity to do it again._

_ "Jane," Cho asked as he entered the attic, "you up here?"_

_ But the attic was empty, dusty but completely empty. A few of Jane's books rested on the table next to the cot where Jane slept a lot. His tea maker was sitting in the corner next to a change of clothing._

_ Cho didn't understand why Jane spent his nights in this attic but he didn't care…much. He was ready to leave when something caught his eye, a small square of paper by one of Jane's books._

_ No it couldn't be…_

_ He walked over to get a better look and sure enough it was._

_ Lisbon's sonogram was sitting on top of a copy of _Othello_._

_ Cho picked it up, noting that it was definitely the original. Grace and Lisbon had searched on their hands and knees for the missing sonogram, never suspecting theft had been involved._

_ He set the sonogram back down where it was before; making sure it was in the exact same spot. He had no doubt that this is where it had been for the past two days. Cho simply shook his head and walked away._

_ Jane was a bastard…but he cared._

_ He would see that soon._

* * *

Lisbon realized after picking up Alaina that she had to go to the store and get a few things herself. Her fridge was empty except for a few lemons and bottled breast milk, that wasn't enough for her to live on for the next few days. So she stopped by her local grocery store, put Alaina's carrier on the little child seat on the cart and began to shop.

"Okay sweetheart, mommy needs to lose weight which is why she is going to get some salad," she told her daughter sweetly, "no more pizza for her."

Alaina just gurgled up at her and kicked her feet up in the air.

"Fruits and veggies are good too," Lisbon declared happily, "Mommy has to have her apples. Apples are yummy."

"Agah!" Alaina said and waved her arm up at her mother, as if trying to touch the bag of Red Delicious apples.

She smiled down at her daughter. "Yes, apples are good, especially Red Delicious." She spied the baskets of strawberries that were on sale. "Oh and strawberries, those are the best. You better take after me, sweetheart, because I don't know what I'd do if you didn't like strawberries."

Lisbon placed a small basket in her cart and headed out of the produce section. She stocked up on some flour and bread, the essentials ever kitchen needed to be productive. She was looking at a selection of meats, trying to decide if she really wanted to extend the effort to cook something like that tonight when her thoughts were interrupted by a high pitched, "Awwww"

She looked over to see a pretty blonde twenty-something with a basket of granola bars and diet soda. "She's adorable!"

Lisbon smiled; she did feel that pride that came with being a new mom. "Thank you."

"How old is she?"

"Ten weeks."

"Oooooh, so she's a little baby."

Lisbon nodded. "Yeah, she's a little baby." She loved being a mother, but sometimes it was a little annoying how random people had to stop and ogle her child.

"Well she's just precious," the woman finally said before stepping away.

She pushed the cart away from the meat selection and down the cereal aisle. Lisbon shook her head at her daughter. "You are just like _him_, every woman has to stop and stare at you."

"Oombah," Alaina cooed.

Lisbon grinned and leaned down to kiss her head. "It's okay, I can't help staring at you either…or him."

She tried not to think about the fact that while she did talk to Alaina about things, including Jane. She never once referred to Jane as her father or even simply "daddy". He was always "him".

She sighed heavily and looked back down at Alaina. "It's hard for me, but I'm getting there all right? I know you like him and he likes you, it'll just take time."

Alaina simply stared back up at her and then gave her a wide grin. "I'll take that as a, 'Hurry up with shopping mommy so we can go home!' smile." Lisbon grinned back at her and pushed the cart down another aisle

They were down the frozen food section where Lisbon had decided to buy a bag of frozen chicken breasts, they would be easy to make on nights like this, that was when she looked down and saw him.

A little boy was peeking into the cart, standing on his tiptoes to try and see what was on top of the basket. Lisbon glanced around and didn't see any parents nearby. "Hello," she said softly, "who are you?"

The boy turned his big brown eyes to her and smiled, he had an adorable sprinkling of freckles across his nose. But he didn't say anything.

"Hey, I'm a police officer," Lisbon offered pulling out her badge and showing it to him. "That means you can talk to me. Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

He smiled again at her. "What's in there?" he asked softly, pointing up at the cart.

"That's my little girl," Lisbon explained gently, "I'm her mommy. Where is yours?"

Before the boy could say anything else Lisbon heard a man's voice calling out. "Max? Max? Where are you?"

She turned around to see a man frantically look down the aisle. It took him a second to register the little boy next to her and then he actually sighed in relief. "Max!" he quickly rushed over to the cart. "What are you doing here buddy?" He looked up at Lisbon. "I'm so sorry, miss was he bothering you?"

Lisbon smiled at him and shook her head. "Not at all."

The man let out another sigh of relief. "I just turned around and he was gone."

"Kids are like eels, they slip away quickly."

"Yes they are," he agreed and they both shared a laugh. In that moment Lisbon took the time to appreciate the man in front of her. He was very handsome with dark brown hair only a couple of shades lighter than her own and very dark green eyes. He was probably her age she guessed, give or take a couple of years. All in all, not a bad person to run into in the grocery store.

"I'm Josh, Josh Avery," he said, holding out his hand for her to shake.

"Teresa Lisbon," she replied, shaking his hand. He had firm hands, not soft so he must use them for something.

"This is my son, Max," he said gesturing to the little boy next to him.

Lisbon grinned. "Well then. Hello, Max, it's nice to meet you."

Max gave her a sweet smile. "Nice to meet you."

She laughed and pushed her hair back, suddenly wishing she'd done something with it before walking into the store. "He's sweet," she offered, "I think he was just curious over my daughter."

"Your…" he glanced at the baby on the cart. "She's _your_ daughter?"

Lisbon frowned now, more than a little confused. "You thought otherwise?"

"Well…yeah, I thought you were her aunt or nanny or something."

"Why would you think that?"

Now Josh looked a little sheepish. "You just…you don't look like you had a baby, especially one so _young._ She can't be more than a couple of months old right?"

"Right."

"You do _not_ look like you just had a baby, seriously. You look amazing."

Now Lisbon blushed and grinned, feeling like a movie start all of a sudden. "Oh I don't know about that." She shook her head. "And you shouldn't say things like that to me, what would your wife say?"

An embarrassed and sad look came over Josh's face. "My wife…Max's mother, she's…she's no longer with us."

Lisbon's face fell and she felt like a fool. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

"No, it's fine," he assured her, "and you're right. I shouldn't say things like that about you. I'm sure your…husband?" She shook her head. "Boyfriend?"

She shook her head. "Nope, it's just Alaina and me."

"Oh," Josh said, visibly relaxing, "so, no one to get made at me. Well then, I'll say this. You look fantastic, not at all like a woman who has a two month old daughter."

She blushed again. "Well thank you, that's really…sweet."

The two of them smiled up at one another, the kind of smile that only comes when two people meet and feel that instant attraction. There was only one thing that could ruin the moment.

"Daddy," Max said, tugging on his leg, "I want Cheerios."

Josh chuckled lightly and looked down at his son. "Sure, we'll get Cheerios." He turned his attention back to Lisbon. "I guess I should…"

"Yeah," Lisbon replied, "hey, I'll be there soon enough." She gestured to Alaina who was calmly sucking on her fingers.

"Oh, it's going to be fun," Josh told her with a wink.

"I'll bet."

They both headed in opposite directions of the aisle. Lisbon grinned as she walked away and couldn't help stopping to look behind her…only to see he was watching her too. She blushed and turned around, still heading away from him.

"What a nice, nice man," Lisbon said and looked down at Alaina. "He was nice wasn't he? And _cute_!"

Alaina let out a small laugh and waved one hand. Lisbon just grinned and tried to turn her attention back to shopping.

Maybe Grace wasn't so wrong about dating after all.

* * *

A/N: Okay, please do NOT kill me! LOL Jane and Lisbon have a long complicated road ahead of them that yes, does include returns of both Josh and Lila hehehe, just don't kill me!

In the next chapter: Jane gets the idea to use Alaina in a case...but doesn't tell Lisbon hehehe and in the flashbacks Lisbon prepares for the coming baby and takes steps to cut Jane out of her and her child's life forever.

Please review!


	6. Mine and Ours

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Well...that was a surprise. I thought for sure people would be upset that Jane kissed Lila but honestly people were more upset by Josh. LOL, I should have done what I originally planned and have Jane SLEEP with Lila, that would have gotten me some outrage I'll bet LOL. Here is the next chapter as we get one step closer to the end of Bastard Jane hehehe, enjoy.

And holy crap, 40 reviews for the chapter! WOW! You guys are AWESOME!

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Sabrina:** You were one of the few to even MENTION Lila! LOL I'm glad you enjoy it when I tug on your heart strings. I hope it keeps up!

**Jessica:** Stupid boss! LOL I'm glad you liked it

**Nicole: **I wanted to write a different kind of baby fic, sooo many have Jane just happily accept it but I always wondered if there might be a different reaction that was possible. Don't worry, Grace will come around and when Lisbon starts to believe that Jane is not going to go back to being a soulless bastard, you'll see her defend him against Grace more and more.

**Catlin:**Wow...okay. Well in some ways I do see Lisbon enduring real abuse from Jane on the show, she lets him use her and abuse her trust and she still defends and looks out for him so in this case I think it is well within her character. But Jane admits he has done wrong, does he not deserve some form of forgiveness? If you don't want her back with Jane then frankly why are you reading?

**Guest:** Yes, Lisbon will look for happiness with Josh eventually...but that only will spur Jane to get up off his ass and do something about his feelings for her!

**Colleen:** I have no plans to actually have RJ make an appearance but his presence will definitely be felt, as in the show, Jane's actions do revolve around RJ and his fear of losing everything he has gained. I have no plans to make a sequel though.

**Ace:** You're welcome! LOL I'm glad that cleared everything up, I alway take the long road, a journey is always far more interesting. Josh and Lisbon are going to have an interesting relationship, I'm not sure how far past the "friends" zone it will extend but he is most definitely a threat. Jane will see that and react like the man he is...badly LOL. I have feeling you are imagining it worse than it is, Jane has a reason for using Alaina and it isn't for anything dangerous.

**CB:** This story is going by so quickly because it is just me writing it. No need to wait for my sister to finish writing her scenes hehehe. And thanks so much...but Josh isn't the same Josh from Castle. I didn't even think about how the names were similar until people pointed it out LOL.

**Misfit 1-3:** Josh is nice and Max is adorable LOL, you'll see them again soon.

**Hal:** Yay another mention of Lila, that makes 2. Yes Jane was messed up and it is about protecting himself and others...but not emotionally but for something else entirely. Yes, by doing so he is only making it worse but Jane sometimes thinks irrationally about how to go about protecting those he cares about. LOL Cho hitting Jane was one of my favorite scenes to write! Jane will definitely find out about Josh, oh and he will NOT be happy about it. Not one little bit.

**223willowcreek:**Thanks but you should know that I'm writing this one by myself, no sister is helping me in the writing of THIS fic LOL

**Jackson5:** (LOL when I saw your name I started thinking "EAsy as ABC..123, you and me!") Thanks for reading! Yes Josh is a potential love interest for Lisbon and I keep calling him the "anti-Jane" because he appears to be the opposite of Jane, especially when you find out more about his past. Oh Jane will be jealous, just wait...

**BrendaMcLovin:** I hope this helps your finals!

**Merylin:** Thanks, so sorry I made you cry but I have a feeling when you read chapter 7 you'll cry again for another reason entirely hehehe. No Lisbon will NOT make it easy for Jane to get back into her good graces, in fact when she does begin to fall for him again she spends a lot of her time trying to talk herself out of it.

* * *

Chapter 6: Mine and Ours

For the first time since Alaina was born Lisbon had agreed to let Jane come over on a Sunday. Usually she only let him come in the evenings when Alaina was about to fall asleep, that meant Jane had to leave as soon as she was down for the night and Lisbon didn't have to endure his presence for very long.

But he had asked her earlier in the week if he could specifically come Sunday afternoon and Lisbon hadn't had any reason to deny him that at the time. Maybe that was why Jane was on his best behavior (which wasn't that good) for the rest of the week, he didn't want to give her any chance to renege on their agreement.

Alaina was wide awake and discovering the taste of her feet when Lisbon heard the knock on the door. She left her daughter on a soft blanket on the floor for a moment to answer it, knowing exactly who was going to be there. Jane smiled happily at her but he wasn't empty handed, he had what looked like a camera bag over his shoulder and bakery box in his hands.

"What is all of this?" she asked as she turned aside to let him in.

But Jane's attention was caught up by the baby that was wriggling around on her back. "Hello, sweetheart," he said, putting his stuff down so he could pick up his daughter. Alaina let out a little squeal as soon as he lifted her up, she was grinning as soon as she heard his voice. "Hey, you know what today is?"

Lisbon frowned, unsure if he was addressing her or the baby. "It's Sunday."

Jane smiled at her knowingly, "Yes…and its her three month birthday."

She thought about it for a moment and realized that Jane was right. "Oh yeah, it is the sixteenth." She looked down at the bakery box. "Did you buy her a cake?"

"No," he replied and kept Alaina close to him as he opened the box with his free hand. "It's actually a cupcake."

Lisbon couldn't help but laugh a little bit. "What good is that? She can't eat it, she can't make a wish or blow out any candles and the most fun she's had all week was realizing that she can suck on her feet."

"Hey, she found her toes!" He grinned down at Alaina, "Now that's my big girl."

She rolled her eyes. "The point is that no one is going to eat that cupcake."

"We will," Jane pointed out.

"I'm not eating it," she protested, "I definitely don't need the calories."

"That's nonsense," Jane replied, "you look great and half of a cupcake isn't going to kill you."

"I'm serious, I'm still trying to lose…is that from the _Freeport_?"

He grinned and nodded his head. The bastard, he had to go to the best bakery in Sacramento, he knew that when they'd gotten a cake for the office party from there three years ago, she'd had two slices. Damn him. Damn him to hell.

"No, I'm not eating it," she declared, even as stared at delectable dessert as he cut it in half.

Jane just shrugged. "Suit yourself," he took a big bite out of his half, savoring the sugary treat. Alaina reached for it with one little hand but he held it out of her reach. "Soon, sweetheart," he assured her, "I'll get you all the treats you can eat."

"Great," Lisbon muttered, "she already has your eyes, why not your terrible eating habits?"

"Mommy is being snippy today," he remarked, savoring the last bite of his half of the cupcake. "Maybe some delicious butter cream frosting will make her feel better."

She glared at him and he just smiled back before taking Alaina into the living room. Lisbon turned her attention back to the half of the cupcake left in the box. Maybe a little taste of the icing would be okay…just one taste.

Lisbon was licking the frosting off her fingertip as she made her way back to the living to see that Jane had put Alaina back down on the blanket and was now fiddling with what appeared to be a very expensive camera. "Where did you get that?"

"I bought it."

"You _bought_ a camera?"

"Why is that so hard to believe?"

"How about because the last time you borrowed my laptop you pushed the wrong button and I had to wipe out the hard drive?"

Jane gave her an annoyed look. "I can handle a camera."

She sat down on the floor next to them, watching as Jane tried to figure out how to turn the device on. "Why would you buy a camera?"

"I wanted to take pictures of Alaina," Jane told her, not taking his eyes off the camera, "I figured that if I can't see her every day then at least I can look at her."

Lisbon blushed and looked away from him, she didn't want to think about the guilt that flared up when he said that. It was not her fault that Jane couldn't see his daughter every day; if he'd been this way from the beginning then he wouldn't have lost her trust.

"You didn't have to buy a camera to get pictures," Lisbon pointed out, trying to get off the subject of how little he saw his daughter.

"Well I figured this would be better in the long run, I can't keep stealing pictures of her forever."

"Wait a minute," Lisbon cut him off, "you've been _stealing_ pictures of her?" She was about ready to go flip through her photo albums and see what photographs he had taken from her.

"Not from you," Jane told her quickly, "Grace has hundreds of pictures lying in her desk, but I think she'll figure it out eventually."

"She's going to kill you."

"Meh," Jane waved her off.

Lisbon watched as he still tried to figure out how to work the camera. He'd gotten one that Rigsby would envy; she noted, with changeable lenses, a movie mode and could probably take about three frames per second. But it was obvious that all of that was completely lost on Jane.

"Do you even know how to work that?"

"How hard can it be? You turn it on and shoot."

She shook her head. "You need to make sure it's not on landscape, that you're taking pictures, not video, that you are using the right lens, that you have the pixels set, and that you actually know where the power button is."

Jane looked at the camera in his hands as if he were a caveman holding a cell phone. Lisbon couldn't help but grin. "Oh God, when was the last time you owned a camera?"

"They still had film."

Now she burst out laughing and took the camera out of his hands. "So naturally you buy the most complicated camera on the market."

"The guy at the store was going on about pixels and high definition and shutter speed, honestly I bought the thing just to get him to shut up." She was still giggling as she flipped through the different modes on the camera. "I'm glad this is amusing to you."

"Hey, I can laugh. I didn't buy a seven hundred dollar camera that I don't know how to work."

Jane grinned and leaned over so he was eye to eye with Alaina. "Alaina, tell Mommy to stop making fun of Daddy."

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "If she could talk she'd be on my side." She finished putting the camera on the right mode and adjusting it to the light. "Okay, Jane…Jane you have to look at me if you want me to show you how to work this stupid thing."

He tore his eyes away from their daughter and scooted next to Lisbon. "All right, show me how it's done."

"You see, on this screen is where you get the shot into focus." Lisbon held up the camera for him to see. "It's on auto mode so even a dumbass like you should be able to work it. You line up the shot, hold the button for a few seconds so it autofocuses to the light and then press down all the way to take the picture. You think you can do that?"

"Do you think I'm complete idiot?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

Jane gave her a wicked grin before holding up the camera and focusing it on their daughter. After a few moments the flash went off and Lisbon leaned in close to take a look at the picture. "Oh that's great, it's perfect. It's Alaina, her rabbit and your finger. That's one you'll cherish for decades."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were Ansel Adams."

She snorted and snatched the camera again. "Hold it like this, that way none of your fingers end up in the shot and you won't drop it and break it."

Lisbon watched as he carefully held the camera like she showed him and he took another picture of Alaina. She leaned in close to take a look. "That's better, and since you have steady hands we don't have to worry about the camera shaking."

"Why thank you for noticing," Jane told her with a grin, "I had no idea you had an affection for my hands."

She blushed quickly and stood up. "Please, you're a professional cheat, of course you have steady hands." Lisbon decided it was a good time to get some work done, that way she didn't have to sit there and watch Jane bungle up photography and she didn't have to think about his magic hands.

Oh he had steady hands, good hands too. And he knew exactly what to do with them. Even drunk he'd played her body like a piano. Lisbon shook her head as she threw a pile of Alaina's onsies and burping rags into the wash_. Stop thinking about that night; think about what a bastard he was afterwards_.

That had the affect of dousing her with cold water. There was nothing sexy about the way Jane had treated her.

Lisbon finished up her laundry, glad to finally get that done. It would be nice to wear clothing that wasn't covered in spit up, though that would only last for about five minutes. She was putting some of the now dry and folded clothes away when she heard her daughter let out her familiar cry.

She hurried down the stairs to find the living room empty. Jane was in her kitchen, holding onto Alaina with one hand and putting a bottle in the bottle warmer Rigsby bought for her baby shower. "You know what you are doing?"

"This isn't my first time."

She nodded, ignoring the flare of awkward shame at the reminder that Jane had been a parent once before. "Okay, see if you can get her to eat it."

Jane gave her a smile as if to say, _"Watch me"_. He carried baby and perfectly warmed bottle back into the living room. "All right, Alaina. I know you are hungry, so give Mommy a break and not make her take her shirt off."

"Gee, thanks," Lisbon mumbled dryly. But maybe it worked because Alaina latched right on to the bottle and started feeding. She rolled her eyes; of course Alaina would cooperate with _him_.

She scooped up the camera off the floor and sat down on the other side of the sofa to flip through them. The first ones were simple pictures of Alaina on the floor but she smiled softly as she saw Jane had gotten more comfortable in the role of photographer. Taking close-ups of her face, her hand wrapped around his finger and a few dedicated to the bottom of her feet. She shook her head at that, Jane had an affinity for her feet, right from the moment she had been born.

Lisbon turned to look at them, Jane feeding their daughter, her stocking feet rubbing against his forearm as her hands reached up to cover his fingers holding the bottle. It was perfect.

"Hey, let me get one of the two of you," Lisbon offered, not really knowing why.

"Are you sure?"

She shrugged. "Well you started this whole thing, you might as well be in one of the pictures."

Jane smiled up at her and she couldn't help but smile back as she held up the camera and focused it. She actually knew how to work the damn thing, at least a little bit, so she was able to line up a shot and take a picture quickly. Lisbon waited the second for the picture to show up on the screen and smiled down at it.

"There," she said holding up the camera for him to see, "it's not Ansel Adams, but it doesn't have my finger in the shot."

Jane studied the picture for a long moment, smiling softly at it. She supposed he enjoyed seeing him holding their daughter, that was something he ever got to see unless he was in front of a mirror. It was true; she hadn't ever taken pictures of him with Alaina before.

Alaina finished feeding and Jane put her on his shoulder to burp her like a pro. He kissed the side of her head softly and turned his eyes to Lisbon. "Does that thing have a timer on it?"

She looked down at the camera in her hands. "Yeah, why?"

"We should get one with all three of us."

"What? Why?"

He shrugged. "I just think we should have one together."

Lisbon looked at him coolly. "You mean to pretend like we are one happy little family?"

To his credit, Jane actually looked a little hurt by her sarcasm. "Don't you think she should have a picture with both of her parents in it?"

Damn, that wasn't such a bad point. But that didn't mean she was actually going to pull one of those cookie-cutter family photos with him. "Jane…I don't know."

"Please, it's only for a moment, then you can go back to despising me."

Lisbon made the mistake of actually looking at him. Jane was damn good at giving her the pleading puppy dog eyes. If their daughter ever learned that trick then she was screwed. "Fine, one picture, _one,_ and that is it."

She quickly put the camera on a nearby table, angling it so it framed where Jane was sitting on the couch. It would do in a pinch at least. Lisbon figured out how to set the timer to thirty seconds and pushed the button.

She quickly rushed over to the sofa and sat down next to him, plastering on a fake smile.

25…20…15…10…5 and snap, the flash went off and Lisbon was able to push away from Jane once more. She quickly grabbed the camera and took a look at it. Well it wasn't awful, not by any means. If she didn't know any better than she would think they actually were a happy little family.

But they weren't, those smiles were fake. Because in about five minutes Jane was going to pack up his seven hundred dollar camera and leave.

"Here," she held it out for him to take a look at, "It looks all right."

Jane nodded but didn't smile, his eyes met hers and they were very serious. "It's perfect."

Lisbon cleared her throat and looked away, she didn't want him looking at her like that. She took Alaina from his arms as she was now drifting off to sleep. "She's going down for her nap."

"I know."

She put her down in the bassinet; the baby let out a small murmur but didn't wake up. Lisbon didn't look at him. "You should go," she said softly. He'd already been there an hour longer than he normally stayed.

"Okay," Jane replied. He gathered up the camera, putting it away in its case.

Now she studied him as he put his new digital device away. "You do know how to get those pictures developed right?"

"Of course, I have a dark room all set up." For a second there she actually believed him and it must have showed since he started chuckling.

She glared at him. "I'm serious, Jane."

"I know what to do, the pictures are on that little memory doodad."

Lisbon suppressed a smile. "Take the memory_ card_ out of the camera and to the photo center at the store. You put it in the printing station and…you know what? Just take it to the store and get one of the sales reps to do it."

Jane grinned at her. "I'll do that."

She walked him to the door, feeling calmer than usual around him. "Next time…do your research before you spend seven hundred dollars on a toy."

"Eh, well you seemed to enjoy it."

She blushed a little and shook her head. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jane."

He nodded back at her and gave her a small smile. "Tomorrow, Teresa."

Lisbon was left a little stunned as he walked away; she was always caught off guard when he used her first name. This was so confusing; _everything_ was confusing at the moment.

She didn't understand how someone who caused her so much pain could now be so enormously sweet. Actually he had been downright adorable trying to figure out how to work the camera…a camera he'd bought because he wanted pictures of his daughter. It was just how a father should be.

She headed to the kitchen where her half of the cupcake still lay in the box. He'd gotten Alaina a cupcake to commemorate her three-month birthday. Lisbon hadn't even noticed that it was today, she'd been busy changing and feeding and playing with her to think about what day it was.

But Jane had…he'd obviously been keeping track. That is why he'd asked to come today. He wanted pictures because he didn't get to see her everyday.

She couldn't give him that, not yet. The wounds were still too new, too fresh.

But for once she couldn't say that this would last forever either.

Lisbon looked down at the sad little half of a cupcake in the box, only marred by the lick of icing she'd taken with her finger. It still looked good, really good.

Without hesitation, Lisbon reached in and picked it up to take a big bite out of the treat. It was as heavenly as she knew it would be. Something delicious and hazardous for her health that she wanted but couldn't stop herself from having.

The story of her relationship with Jane, spelled out in dessert.

* * *

_Lisbon went to three different baby stores before finally deciding on which crib she wanted for her nursery. She scoured the Internet and stores for just the right kind of bedding she wanted, searching for the perfect theme to decorate her daughter's bedroom. In the end it had been a mobile that had designed the whole thing, a beautiful little mobile that had purple and pink dragonflies and butterflies hanging from it._

_ Then she found lavender bedding that matched the color of the dragonflies and some matching curtains. It had been Grace's idea to take the mobile to the hardware store and have them match the paint to the butterflies. They had wound up with a shade of pink that perfectly matched the mobile and Grace was happy that she'd convinced Lisbon to actually paint the nursery pink._

_ One Saturday the two girls got busy, disassembling the guest bed and moving everything down to her storage room. It would have gone faster if Grace had allowed her to lift anything heavier than a pillow but Lisbon had gotten used to the redhead's protective nature over the last few months._

_ Finally they set to work with Grace getting out a rolling brush to paint the walls while Lisbon tried to set up the crib. She stared at the diagram for twenty minutes honestly having no idea what she was looking at. "Take socket A, put it in joint B using bracket C? What the hell?"_

_ Grace laughed. "It can't be that bad?"_

_ "Oh yeah? Take a look!"_

_ She put down her roller and walked over to the side of the room that wasn't painted yet where Lisbon was. She picked up the diagram and looked over the instructions. "Take socket A, put it in joint B using bracket C…okay this is stupid."_

_ "Thank you!" Lisbon declared gesturing to the parts of the crib that surrounded her. "It's like trying to put together a missile from NASA, not a crib for my baby!"_

_ "Are there any other instructions, maybe there is a better diagram?"_

_ "Yeah, in the box, I'll get it." She moved to stand up but her very pregnant stomach made that impossible. "Uh…can I get a hand…or a forklift?"_

_ Grace giggled and grabbed her hands to help haul her friend to her feet. "Or I could have gotten it for you."_

_ "Hey, don't mock the pregnant woman."_

_ But she was still laughing as Lisbon scrambled through the empty box, finding a bag of screws she'd missed and the other set of directions. But there was another problem._

_ "They're in Spanish."_

_ "Well what does it say?"_

_ "I don't know, Grace. It's in _Spanish_!"_

_ Grace grabbed the instructions and shook her head. "This is ridiculous!"_

_ "I know, we are two smart, grown women, we should be able to do this ourselves."_

_ "Actually I think this is ridiculous that we are trying to do this without help," Grace replied and pulled out her cell phone from her pocket._

_ Lisbon looked at her confused. "What are you doing?"_

_ But the woman ignored her. "Hey, Rigsby? Yeah it's me. Nope, we don't have a case. What are you doing?...oh you and Cho are going to watch the game? Well that's too bad…"_

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Half an hour later Cho and Rigsby showed up and they were not quite so happy to be there. "I have a hundred bucks on this game," Cho pointed out as he stepped into the apartment._

_ "So, you don't have to watch it to still win," Grace replied cheerily. She pushed them both in the direction of the stairs. "Both of you are strong able-bodied men, to the nursery, _now_!"_

_ Both men grumbled as they made their way into the nursery where Lisbon stood in the middle of the mess. "Sorry guys, this wasn't my idea."_

_ "Yeah well, Grace is hard to say no to," Rigsby replied._

_ "Speak for yourself," Cho mumbled._

_ Lisbon smirked at their displeasure. "Well there is furniture or painting, which one do you guys want to do first?"_

_ "The paint is pink," Cho said._

_ "Yes it is."_

_ "I don't want to paint pink."_

_ She handed him the instructions to the crib. "Then you can help me with putting together the furniture."_

_ Cho took one long look at the instructions before handing them to Rigsby and walking over to the paint. Lisbon turned to Rigsby with a smile. "Think you can handle this?"_

_ "Oh I've done it before."_

_ "Right," She replied before picking up some of the screws and handing them to the more knowledgeable man on the subject._

_ An hour later half of the room was painted and Rigsby had actually managed to set up the crib and it didn't fall apart. Lisbon was impressed. He set about helping her fix up the changing table, showing her the best place to put it and giving her several tips on diaper changing that he'd learned from experience._

_ The doorbell rang and it interrupted the room-making extravaganza. "Who could that be?" Grace wondered aloud._

_ Lisbon was thinking the same question and her heart pounded with fear. The last person to show up at her door unannounced was Jane; all he'd wanted was another drunken night of forgetfulness. She didn't want to face him again, not now, not in front of the team._

_ It was with some trepidation that she opened the door and actually sighed in relief._

_ "Are you Teresa Lisbon?" the man wearing what appeared to be a delivery uniform asked._

_ "Yes."_

_ "Sign here, please."_

_ She was doing as he asked when Grace peeked around her. "What did you order?"_

_ "Nothing new yet," Lisbon admitted. She honestly had no idea what was going on. "What is this for?" She asked the man._

_ "A delivery for you," he told her simply, "and it's kind of big. You think one of you could help me?"_

_ Cho and Rigsby both stepped outside to help the man haul in a very large object wrapped in thick packing blankets, they set it down in her living room. Lisbon was still confused until the man handed her a note that came with the package before leaving._

_ "What's it say?"_

_ Lisbon opened the envelope and gasped. "It's from James."_

Teresa,

If this kid takes after you, then you are going to need it.

Love,

James, Tommy and Will

_ They didn't waste any time, cutting the ties that surrounded the package and unfolding the blanket. But when it was revealed Lisbon gasped and immediately started to cry._

_ The three other people in the room exchanged confused looks. "It's an old rocking chair," Rigsby pointed out._

_ Lisbon nodded and sniffled. "It was my mom's."_

_ Grace gasped. "Oh, wow."_

_ "I can't believe they did this, had it shipped all the way down here…for me." She slowly walked around to look at the back of the chair. There, painted on the headrest were the names of her three brothers and herself, complete with the dates of their birth._

_ There was an empty spot for one more baby._

_ Lisbon smiled even as more tears spilled down her cheeks, running her fingertips over her mother's handwriting. "I'll put my little girl's name here too," she promised._

_ Grace put a hand on her shoulder. "It's going to be perfect in the corner by the window."_

_ "Yes… it will be."_

_ "Okay, boys," Grace said like a drill sergeant, "Let's haul this upstairs and if you damage it, you know the boss is going to kill you."_

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_ "You need more stuff," Grace declared as the put the finishing touches on the nursery._

_ "Like what?"_

_ "Clothes, toys, diapers, a breast pump…"_

_ "Stop talking about anything like _that_," Cho cut her off before she could start listing anything that had to do with their boss's unmentionables._

_ "We're adults, Cho," Grace reminded him._

_ "So?"_

_ Lisbon smiled and shook her head, leaning over to put the soft lavender bedding into place. "Just what are you trying to suggest, Grace?"_

_ The redhead smiled gamely. "Well…you are just going to have to buy all of that stuff yourself."_

_ "You're point?"_

_ "If you had a shower…"_

_ "Oh no," Lisbon interrupted, "no showers. I hate showers."_

_ "Why? You'll get a lot of stuff you need."_

_ "And have to sit around listen to women try and touch my stomach, gawk at how much weight I've gained and play those dumb games like 'guess how many diaper pins are in that jar'. No I won't do it."_

_ "But you'll save a lot of money."_

_ "Yes," Lisbon agreed, "And this way I will save my dignity."_

_ Rigsby and Cho exchanged looks as if they agreed with her. "Have you decided on a name yet?" The former asked, setting down one of the paint rollers._

_ "Actually, I have."_

_ Grace dropped the dress she was holding, one of the few clothes Lisbon had gotten so far. "You have? What is it?"_

_ Lisbon smiled knowingly. "I'll give you a hint," she said before walking over to the closet and pulling out a very soft receiving blanket, cream colored and trimmed in light pink. Monogrammed on one side were the letters: AGL._

_ Grace looked excited. "You named her Anastasia!"_

_ Rigsby and Cho both started laughing when they saw Lisbon's look of horror. "No, I told you I was _not_ naming my daughter after a dead Russian princess."_

_ "Then what is her name?"_

_ She smiled happily, running her fingertips over the soft material. "Alaina, her name is Alaina."_

_ "Awwww," Grace said softly, "that's so pretty."_

_ Cho gave a sideways glance at the redhead before nodding his head at the blanket. "And what does the 'G' stand for?" Lisbon had a feeling he already knew._

_ Still she turned her attention to her friend. "Grace, her middle name is going to be Grace."_

_ Her child's namesake gasped again and tears welled up in her eyes. "Oh, Lisbon, you don't have to…"_

_ "I know," Lisbon replied gently, "but I want her to be named after someone who has helped me through so much, someone who means the world to me, someone she can look up to."_

_ Grace stopped trying to stop the tears and let them fall before walking over and giving Lisbon a warm hug. When Lisbon stepped away she smiled sheepishly at them, "Sorry boys, but Kimball and Wayne just didn't go well. But I just ordered pizza as a thank you for helping me today."_

_ Rigsby looked happy with that news but Cho wasn't quite as moved until she finished. "And the game is on downstairs."_

_ "Thanks, boss," Cho said before he dashed out of the room with Rigsby right on his heels._

_ Lisbon and Grace laughed and shook their heads. Grace took the receiving blanket from Lisbon and looked at the letters. "Alaina Grace Lisbon, that's a good name."_

_ "I think so."_

_ The mood turned somber when a question came to Grace's mind. "Are you going to tell him?"_

_ She was quiet for a very long time and then shook her head. "No…I have no reason to."_

_ Grace nodded and handed her back the blanket. "You're right, he doesn't deserve it."_

_ Lisbon chewed on her bottom lip and fingered the blanket, wondering if the letters would be any different if Jane had been involved in choosing the name. But that was pointless because he'd chosen this path himself._

_ "Come on," Grace said, putting an arm around her shoulder. "I'm starving, and if I'm hungry, then I know that Alaina is too."_

_ Lisbon laughed. "Yes she is."_

_ They left the nursery behind them, along with those lingering feelings of pain._

* * *

The body of Dr. Roy Gibson was found dead in his home by one of his neighbors. The poor woman had come over to ask to borrow his blender and instead had found him lying on his living room floor with three bullets in him.

Jane had been quick to point out that there was no sign of a break in so the doctor must have let his killer in. He also noted that while the living room was a mess nothing was actually taken, it was a poor attempt to make it look like a robbery.

She and Jane headed over to Gibson's practice while Grace looked into his background and Cho and Rigsby finished up at the scene. The first person they were directed to was the resident pediatrician Dr. Chris Halloway.

"Halloway," Jane repeated as they made their way towards his office, "Did he come up on your list of pediatricians?"

Lisbon smiled and shook her head. "He's about a half an hour and a five hundred dollars out of my price range."

A glint appeared in his eyes. "If money is an issue…"

"We are not going to talk about child support again, Jane."

He held up his hands in surrender. "All right, consider it shelved for the moment."

She rolled her eyes and they entered Dr. Halloway's office. "Dr. Halloway," Lisbon said, pulling out her badge. "I'm Agent Lisbon with the CBI, this is Patrick Jane. We're here to talk to you about your colleague, Dr. Gibson."

"Yes, come in," Halloway said. He had the boyish good looks of a younger man, even though he was well into his forties. No doubt he used his charms to his advantage. Jane saw he had the eyes of a snake, a poisonous one. "I heard about Roy but I honestly couldn't believe it, I cannot imagine anyone would hurt him."

"Well someone did," Jane remarked. He was looking around the room at the different little knick-knacks and awards the man had posted. He had over inflated view of himself, that much was clear.

"I'm afraid I'll be of little use to you there," Halloway pointed out, "I don't know anyone who would want to kill Roy."

"What was his position here?" Lisbon asked.

"He was the resident neurologist, he was also the leading partner of the practice."

That perked Jane's interest, "So he was in charge?"

"This is a democratic practice but yes, Roy's vote held the most weight."

Now that was interesting. There are a lot of reasons to want to kill the boss. He would have liked to stick around and size up this man but they were interrupted by someone else.

"Hello, Dr. Halloway, I'm here with Jamie."

Lisbon and Jane turned to see a very lovely young woman with a baby that looked to be nearing a year old. Jane noted that her hands were bare of rings so she was single, and judging by the way she'd dolled herself up for a simple doctor's appointment, was eyeing the very married doctor as well.

He glanced over at Halloway to see that he was looking at the woman like a snake eyeing a mouse. Oh this was getting _very_ interesting.

"Yes of course, Jennifer. Just head over to the exam room and I'll see you in a moment."

She nodded, eyeing both Jane and Lisbon before taking her baby down the hall. "I'm sorry," Halloway said as soon as she left, "But I'll have to cut this short, I have a patient."

"Of course," Lisbon said quickly playing the diplomat, "but if you know anyone here we could talk to…?"

"Try Harriet Meyers, she's our fertility specialist and she was close to Roy, she might be able to help you."

Lisbon thanked him again before both she and Jane left his office in search of Harriet Meyers, but she was on to her consultant. "What, what did you see?"

"What makes you think I saw anything?"

"You have that look on your face, the I'm-keeping-something-from-Lisbon face."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Oh yes you do, you saw something in his office, now what was it?"

Jane grinned and nodded. "All right, I did see something."

Lisbon's whole posture changed as she readied herself for a break in the case. "What? What did you see?"

"He paid way too much for that Rembrandt, it's a poor knock off." He winced in pain after she kicked him in the shins right before they made it to Meyers's office

Dr. Meyers was surrounded by piles of folders, apparently organizing or doing some cleaning, either way she was clearly busy. "Dr. Meyers? We're with the CBI, we want to talk to you about Dr. Gibson."

"I'm afraid I can't help you there," Meyers replied. She had the chilly attitude of someone who only care about their own business.

"Your colleague was murdered," Lisbon reminded her.

"And it is a terrible thing, but I don't know anything about it."

Jane and Lisbon exchanged looks. This one was one tough cookie, but she knew something, even if she didn't know she knew it. "Gibson was the boss right?" Jane asked.

"He was the leading partner," she replied primly.

"He must have been up to something," Jane pointed out, "the boss always has some concern or another."

Lisbon looked like she wanted to hit him but he got the desired results. "Roy was looking into the financial returns of the practice."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "He said the numbers weren't adding up, that we weren't bringing in as much as we should have."

"Did he say where the discrepancy was?"

"It was with me if that was what you were implying."

"But you must have some idea," Lisbon pointed out.

Meyers shook her head, clearly not willing to point the finger at any of her colleagues. Jane decided to go with his own angle. "What about Dr. Halloway?"

"What about him?"

"I'm just curious."

She shrugged. "He brings in a lot of patients."

Jane smiled. "Mothers want the best for their children, single mothers too."

"I suppose so, what does this have to do with Roy?"

"Nothing really."

Lisbon glared at him and gave him a little shove out of the door. "We'll be in touch." She kept a firm grip on his arm as she led him out of the office. "Is there any chance that for just one day you won't act like a complete menace?"

"I doubt it."

"Well at least you are being honest."

* * *

_In the weeks since Lisbon had officially discarded any and all hopes of Jane actually accepting their child, their relationship had steadily worsened. Now instead of barely speaking to each other all they did was argue. Every little thing he did was game for her get upset over, and Jane gave as good as he got. This wasn't the gentle teasing that he'd provoked many times over the years, this was the anger that stemmed from fear and desperation._

_ "I told you to stay away from him," she exclaimed as she yelled at him for the umpteenth time in her office. They were standing in the middle of the room, despite how much she hated standing around on her swollen feet._

_ "I was following a hunch."_

_ "You _followed_ your hunch by breaking into his house. All evidence from him is now tainted because you can't follow simple procedure!"_

_ "He isn't the killer anyways."_

_ "So what? I know you have a hard time thinking about anyone but yourself but you could get the whole team in real trouble here. Stop being an arrogant son of a bitch and be an adult, for once!"_

_ Jane looked like he was ready to give her a few arguments of his own but they were interrupted by Bertram knocking on her office door. "Am I interrupting?"_

_ She shot Jane a glare. "No, sir. Just discussing our latest case."_

_ He nodded but looked suspiciously at them both. He knew they had been arguing and suspected that there was trouble brewing. He didn't know just how far in shit creek she'd fallen, if he knew who the father of her baby was then Lisbon had a feeling he'd be delivering her a pink slip._

_ "I wanted to make sure you knew that the paperwork for you maternity leave has been filed."_

_ "Thank you, sir."_

_ "When are you due?"_

_ She smiled softly and rubbed her stomach. "Not for another six weeks, I'll be sticking to my desk until then."_

_ "Of course, well you know that we are all happy for you."_

_ "Yes, thank you," Lisbon replied stiffly. She knew very well that not everyone was happy for her, namely the man standing next to her._

_ Bertram gave them another suspicious look before leaving them both alone. The awkward silence sank in like it always did whenever the subject of the baby came up. Jane never wanted to talk about it, never wanted to acknowledge their child and Lisbon hated him for it. _

_ "You better not pull this crap when Cho is in charge," she warned him._

_ "You won't be here so why should it matter to you?"_

_ "It matters, Jane. It matters because once upon a time we were a team, a team that cared about one another. Maybe you don't give a damn about me anymore, but at least think about _them_!"_

_ Her little girl kicked, hard, painfully hard. She was reacting to her mother's stress. Lisbon groaned and sat down heavily onto the couch, hoping that would settle her down. But Alaina kicked even harder and this time Lisbon let out a small hiss of pain._

_ "Are you okay?" Jane asked, he almost sounded concerned._

_ "I'm fine," Lisbon told him sharply. Alaina kicked again but it was back to the gentle flutterings, as if an apology for kicking her mom so hard the first two times._

_ "Are you sure?"_

_ "Jane, don't," Lisbon warned him, "don't pretend like you care."_

_ Jane just nodded his head softly. "Okay."_

_ She breathed a sigh of relief as he left the room, still gently rubbing her stomach where their child lay nestled in her womb. But now she felt so alone, the weight of her pain and sadness sinking down on her._

_ Alaina kicked once more, softly and Lisbon smiled. "I know, baby girl, pretty soon I'll never be alone again. I can't wait."_

_ She meant it. She was tired of feeling so sad, she wanted to be happy again._

* * *

Jane was feeling that same giddy rush that he always felt whenever he had a plan to catch someone in the act. He also knew that Lisbon probably wasn't going to like it, which meant it was better to seek forgiveness then ask for permission. Still, he needed one more person to help him accomplish this task.

It was a good thing Grace was talking to him again, barely, but she was managing to actually give him a few icy sentences as opposed to simmering silence that he'd actually gotten used to over the past few months. She was busy looking through reports, nothing that couldn't wait at all. Jane was smiling as he walked over and leaned in next to her. "We have to go somewhere."

She put down the paper in her hand and looked confused. "What?"

"Do you have any casual clothing with you? Sweatpants and a t-shirt perhaps?"

"What is going on, Jane?"

"Do you?"

Grace sighed huffily. "I have some gym clothes."

He considered that for a moment. "Those will do." Then he actually pulled her chair back away from her desk. "Come on, let's go."

"Go where?"

But Jane didn't tell her, just began to hurry away instead. "Go where?" she repeated, he still didn't answer.

Now he heard her muttered, "Secretive jackass," before she gathered her things to follow him. Jane smiled, he always knew how to get her to do his bidding.

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Grace still asked him constantly on the drive what his plan was and where they were going but he remained silent until they came to their first destination. It was only a short four-minute drive away from the CBI, _Little Hands Daycare Center_. Obviously Grace was well aware of the significance of this place.

"What are you doing?"

"I'll be right back," Jane told her simply before leaving her in the car.

He was glad that he'd convinced Lisbon to put him down as an emergency contact when she'd signed Alaina up for this facility. It had taken a little convincing, as most things did these days, but simply appealing to her practical side had worked. He was Alaina's father, he was close by, if something happened it made sense that he should be called if Lisbon couldn't be reached.

And in this case, it made it very easy to walk in, show his I.D. and walk out with his child.

Alaina was awake and cheerful, breaking into a big smile once she heard the sound of his voice. "Hello, sweetheart," he told her gently, "you get to help Daddy today." His daughter simply cooed and waved her little hand. He grinned and couldn't resist kissing the top of her head before taking her back out to the car.

Grace was glaring at him from the passenger side. "What the hell is going on?" If she was cursing then she was really getting frustrated.

"Just relax," he told her, still keeping his true intentions to himself.

Jane busied himself buckling Alaina carefully into her car seat, she kicked her little feet in protest. He chuckled and gave one small foot a gentle squeeze before leaving to go find his own seat in the front.

"Does Lisbon know you took her car seat?"

He shook his head, starting the car. "I bought this one myself."

Grace raised an eyebrow. "What is going on, Jane?" She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Are you kidnapping her?"

Jane couldn't help but laugh at her ridiculous assumption. "If I were kidnapping her, why would I bring you with me?"

She seemed mollified by that statement of fact. "Then what are you doing?"

He sighed, deciding that now was a good time to let Grace in on his plan. "I have an idea over what is going on in Dr. Halloway's office, if I'm right, the only way to know for sure is to have you pose as a single mother."

"You want me to pretend that Alaina is my daughter?"

"Just for a little while."

Grace sighed and turned her attention out the windshield. "What do you think is going to happen?"

"We'll have to wait and see," Jane told her, "All you have to do is say what I tell you to."

She shook her head in disgust at herself obviously. "Why do I let you do this?"

That was an easy question to answer, because he was almost always right.

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Half an hour later Grace was wearing her most casual clothing and attempting to look like a stressed out single mom. It helped that she clearly was at a loss when filling out the form for Alaina; eventually she decided to make some stuff up.

"Leave the father information blank," Jane suggested.

"Sure," Grace muttered, "I'll tell them he's a jackass who didn't want anything to do with her."

That hurt, it hurt quite a bit but it helped knowing that he wasn't that same bastard anymore. "Yes, that will be a good story."

She glared at him and continued to fill out the forms. "So if you aren't Alaina's father, then who are you?"

"I'm your friend who drove you here because you don't have a car."

"Single mom of a three month old, no father and no car," Grace repeated, "anything else?"

"Keep your phone on speaker," Jane told her, "I'll be listening in on what is going on."

"And what is supposed to happen?"

"Patience," Jane replied, "you'll see soon enough."

Grace finished filling out the form and all but threw the pen down on the clipboard. "This isn't going to work, she looks _nothing_ like me."

"They won't notice, and if they do, say she looks like her father."

"She looks like her _mother_."

Jane smiled then and let his fingertips glide through Alaina's short and soft brown hair. "Thank God she does."

Grace studied him for a minute, he knew she was trying to decide if she should like watching him like this or still stay angry with him for everything he did before Alaina was born. In the end she simply chose not to react at all. They sat there in silence except for Alaina's little babbles until the nurse finally called for them.

"Remember," Jane told her as he handed her Alaina. "Go along with this."

She nodded, still unsure but she did take the baby and head into the back. Jane found a quiet corner where he could sit and listen.

* * *

_"I don't know why I let you talk me into that," Lisbon declared as she and Grace pulled into the parking lot of her apartment._

_ "You are having a baby," Grace reminded her, "you should take a birthing class so you know what to do."_

_ "I did get that video about labor," Lisbon pointed out, "and it _terrified_ me."_

_ "A class environment is more supportive."_

_ "They thought we were a lesbian couple!"_

_ "Well at least they were nice about it."_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes and opened the passenger door. She rocked herself a few times to gain momentum getting out the car. She was ready for this baby to come out already now that she was rapidly becoming the size of a house. "I know they were nice, that doesn't mean I want to go back?"_

_ "Why?"_

_ "What good is learning how to breathe going to do? I'm still going to be shouting for the drugs," Lisbon pointed out. She didn't want to reveal the real reason. It was humiliating being there with all of those happy couples, proud fathers who held their partner's hands and spoke lovingly to their unborn children. Once people had learned that Grace was just her friend she had seen the questions in their eyes, 'Where is he?' At least they had been kind enough to hold their tongues._

_ "It wasn't all bad advice," Grace pointed out, helping her friend out of the car. "We should have a plan for when you go into labor."_

_ Lisbon nodded. "I'll call you, that way you can come over and drive me to the hospital."_

_ "And I want to stay with you after she's born." Lisbon turned to look at her in shock, "Just for a few days. You're going to be tired and sore, you'll need some help."_

_ She smiled softly at her friend, not at all upset by the offer. "Thank you, Grace."_

_ Grace just smiled. "Any time."_

_ She unlocked her door to let herself in, turning on the light by the doorway._

_ "Surprise!"_

_ Lisbon jumped a foot in the air and gaped at her living room in shock. About twenty women from the office were sitting around her home. There was a pile of presents on the coffee table, mountains of food in her kitchen and the place was covered in pink and white balloons and streamers. She whirled around to see Grace was grinning proudly._

_ "I'm going to kill you," she hissed._

_ "Oh come on, you needed this." Grace said, turning her around to face the party._

_ "Death, and it's going to be painful," Lisbon muttered as she trudged into the living room like a prisoner marching to their execution._

_ Amy and Christina made room on the sofa and Lisbon flopped down between them, eyeing the decorations with disdain._

_ "It's so exciting!" Amy exclaimed, "We're so happy for you! Were you surprised?"_

_ "Oh yeah," Lisbon said, "The tiniest feather could have knocked me over."_

_ "What should do first? Presents or games?" Christina asked_

_ "What are you naming her?" Somebody else said._

_ "Are you sure it isn't twins?"_

_ "Have you picked a daycare yet?"_

_ Lisbon was quickly swarmed by a million questions as they all clucked like chickens around her. She didn't know exactly how they sorted everything out and she never even opened her mouth once but somehow they decided to switch to the entertainment portion of the party. That involved pieces of string that people stretched around her stomach to see if they had guess correctly just how big her belly was._

_ She glared at Grace as she endured having her giant belly measured with yarn, finally mouthing the words. 'I hate you'._

_ More games followed, including smelling diapers filled with junk that people had to guess. Lisbon took a pass on that one, saying that she was going to be smelling dirty diapers soon enough she didn't need to start now. Next was a mildly amusing guessing game as they all tried to match celebrities with their babies' name._

_ Lisbon pouted through most of the games but did find the food quite tasty, especially the mini-quiches. The cake was good too though she did grimace at the theme, it was made to look like her baby had fallen head first into the cake so she was basically cutting up her baby's bottom. At least it was good cake._

_ But the best part came when they finally decided to open the gifts. Lisbon wasn't so keen but as she opened the presents one at a time she relaxed once she saw that she really was getting things she needed. Now she didn't have to buy a car seat or a breast pump and Grace had gotten that red stroller she'd been eyeing for months now. There were piles and piles of clothes, dresses, onesies, sleepers, and even a little pink bathing suit._

_ She smiled at each and every one of them, for real, her excitement building with each gift. She could imagine dressing up her daughter in her little yellow sundress with the matching hat. It was perfect; she was getting everything she wanted._

_ Then she picked up the pink gift bag, Amy's present to her. She smiled at the secretary before digging and pulling out a pink and brown onesie. Lisbon thought it was adorable and then she saw what the front said. _Daddy's Little Girl.

_ A hush came over the room as everyone remembered that the father of her child was no involved. Only one other person in the room knew his name, everyone else simply recalled that Lisbon had made it clear she was on her own._

_ Everyone except Amy._

_ "I just thought it was so cute," she declared happily, "He'll love her in it."_

_ Lisbon simply stared at her, wondering if this woman was a complete idiot._

_ Finally Samantha nudged Amy and whispered loud enough for Lisbon to overhear. "The father isn't involved, Amy."_

_ To her credit, the woman paled immediately. "Oh my God…I…I forgot."_

_ "It's okay," Lisbon said softly. She numbly folded the onesie and placed it back into the bag._

_ "I'm so sorry, the receipt is in the bag, you can take it back!"_

_ "It's all right," she repeated gingerly. Lisbon looked around at the mound of unopened presents that remained and suddenly she had no desire to see what was in them. "I…I think we should take a break," she said. She made to get to her feet and Grace was quick to help her stand up, "I'd like to get some more of that cake."_

_ She was glad that only Grace followed her to the kitchen but out of the corner of her eye she saw the other women quickly start whispering amongst themselves. She knew they were admonishing Amy who still looked very upset. Lisbon felt a little sorry for her…but only a little._

_ Lisbon took a pink paper plate and piled on some carrot sticks and cauliflower, drenching them in ranch dressing. "Are you okay?" Grace asked._

_ "I'm fine," Lisbon told her, her words were clipped._

_ "Are you sure?"_

_ "Grace," Lisbon said, meeting her eyes. "It's okay, I'm fine. I'm not going to fall apart because of a stupid gift."_

_ Her friend didn't look too sure but chose to accept it. "Okay, I'll keep them occupied for a minute."_

_ Lisbon smiled gratefully and kept it plastered to her face until her friend left her alone. Then she let out a deep breath and threw the plate of food in the trash. She buried her face in her hands and willed herself not to cry._

_ It was stupid. She shouldn't fall apart because of a thoughtless gift but she couldn't stop picturing it._

_ Daddy's Little Girl._

_ It couldn't be further from the truth._

* * *

Lisbon was exhausted and it was only two in the afternoon. This case was a bit frustrating, she simply couldn't figure out who would want to kill Dr. Gibson. He hadn't had any malpractice suits, no enemies, not even a freaking parking ticket. The only suspect, his partner Halloway, had an airtight alibi.

She sighed and leaned back in her seat, rubbing her eyes as she tried to fight the frustration and fatigue. When she opened her eyes the first thing she saw was her framed photograph of Alaina and she smiled. She'd taken her to have some professional portraits done a few weeks after she was born, mostly because her brothers had been insisting on photographs.

It was a decision she hadn't regretted and she'd chosen her favorite to grace her desk. It was of Alaina wearing a simple white dress and a matching headband, curled up asleep on a soft blanket. She looked like a little angel, peacefully napping on a white cloud.

She missed her little girl. It was harder than she thought it would be, working all day, leaving Alaina in daycare until she could pick her up in the evenings. She felt like she was missing out on so much of her life. Once upon a time weekends were something she dreaded, filled with boredom. Now she counted down the hours until Friday evening when she knew she would have two full days devoted to her child.

Lisbon chewed on her lip and toyed with her cell phone. She didn't want to be a nuisance but she really just wanted to know that Alaina was all right. It wouldn't be a bad thing to call, just this once.

Her need to be close to her child won and she dialed the number of the daycare center. After two rings a pleasant female voice answered. "Little Hands Daycare, how can I help you?"

"Hello," Lisbon said, "I'm Teresa Lisbon, Alaina's mother."

"Oh yes, hello Teresa! It's Sarah, we met this morning when you dropped Alaina off."

Lisbon vaguely remembered a nice mousy looking woman about ten years younger than her. "Yes, hello."

"Well what can I help you with?"

"Oh, nothing," Lisbon assured her. "I just wanted to know how Alaina was doing."

"Oh…"

Lisbon knew that wasn't a good thing at all. Instantly her heart seized up with fear. "What is it?"

"Well, her father came by and picked her up an hour ago."

It took a few seconds for the words to register. Then fear was quickly replaced with anger. "He did _what_?!"

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Jane was still quietly listening as Grace let Dr. Halloway examine his child. The man seemed to know what he was doing, but even through the phone he could hear the man's lecherous intentions. It was no coincidence that he was constantly asking borderline personal questions.

"Does her father have any concerns?" Jane almost rolled his eyes, why would that question be asked for any other reason.

"The…her father isn't involved," Grace told him nervously.

"Oh…I'm sorry." He wasn't, Jane knew that immediately.

"Yeah, well he just… when I found out I was pregnant he told me to get an abortion. When I refused, he said he didn't want anything to do with us and that was the end of it."

Now Jane heard her seething and he knew that her statement was directed at him. Well, at least she'd managed to use his despicable actions as a cover story.

His phone vibrated then and he looked down to see that Lisbon was calling him. He pushed the button to ignore her call so he could keep listening in on Grace. But a few seconds later the same thing happened again. After ignoring three of her calls his phone vibrated once and he looked down to see a text.

_Answer your phone, jackass!_

He swallowed, Lisbon must have figured out something was up. She was pissed, no doubt about that. But it was much too late to back out now, he would just have to diffuse the situation later and hope that she didn't decide to exert her revenge through physical means.

Jane turned his attention back to the conversation taking place in the exam room.

"Well I do understand how difficult it is being a single parent, I get a lot of single mothers here because I respect their decision. I just want to make things easier for them."

"That is wonderful," Grace said, obviously a little confused about where this is going. _Play along_, Jane silently urged her. He was grateful when she continued, "It really is hard sometimes, not a lot of time to do anything and it's even more difficult without the father to help."

"Is he even paying child support?"

"No."

Jane actually smiled at her response. The trap was set, now all Halloway had to do was walk into it.

He heard the doctor step closer; he could imagine him looking at Grace like a cat stalking a mouse. No doubt he was finding some way to touch her, a hand on her shoulder, something small that he could try and build on later. "I've met a lot of women in your position, I also know how expensive these appointments are, especially without insurance."

Grace shifted a little. "You're right about that."

"I think you should be aware of an…_arrangement_ I make with some mothers like yourself, a way that they can make sure their children get the care they need at an affordable price."

"That sounds wonderful."

But Jane knew she was waiting for the catch just like he was.

"But this isn't charity, it's mutually beneficial."

"What do I have to do then?"

He heard Halloway shift even closer to her. "I would like to see you alone, outside of this office, maybe somewhere more…private."

"You mean…sex?"

Halloway chuckled nervously. "I'm glad we understand each other."

"So, that is all it would take. We have sex and you take care of my daughter."

"Just that simple."

"All right then." But before Halloway could enjoy the fruits of his seduction Grace had him flat on the exam table and if the sound of his groans were any indication, she wasn't gentle either.

"What the hell?"

"I'm a CBI agent, and you're under arrest."

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Jane was able to reclaim his daughter while Grace now babysat their newest criminal. She called Cho to come pick up Halloway since they weren't about to put him in the backseat with Alaina. Twenty minutes later Cho pulled up in his car, clearly more than a little amused about what was going on.

"So this is what you were up to," he stated.

"I had a hunch," Jane admitted with a grin, leaning down to place a soft kiss on Alaina's head.

"And you had to kidnap your kid to prove it?"

"I didn't kidnap her," Jane pointed out.

"Did you tell Lisbon?"

He winced as he recalled the five text messages and even more missed calls he had from the mother of his child at the moment. "All right, perhaps taking Alaina without telling Lisbon wasn't my best idea."

Cho just nodded his head while Grace put Halloway in the car. "No kidding."

"How mad is she?"

He thought about it for a moment and then gave Jane the best advice he'd ever had. "Keep the kid with you."

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Jane was glad he did follow Cho's instructions when he walked into the bullpen and immediately met two green eyes spitting fire. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't rip you apart with my bare hands right now!"

"Because I'm holding Alaina and you still like her, remember?"

Lisbon didn't seem to find that amusing in the least. "You took my daughter from daycare without telling me!"

"_Our_ daughter."

"You used her in one of your schemes!"

"You should be proud, at three months she's caught her first bad guy."

"Have you lost your mind?!"

Jane wasn't paying her much attention at the moment. He was focused on Alaina who obviously needed to be changed. Well he could take care of that quickly enough since he knew Lisbon kept a diaper bag in her office.

"Where are you going?" Lisbon shouted at him.

"She needs to be changed," he explained, "you can keep yelling at me in there."

He didn't wait for her to follow him but made his way to her office, laying Alaina onto the big white sofa. "Okay, sweetheart let's get you cleaned up." Lisbon stomped into the office a few moments later while he was still folding the tabs on her new diaper.

She stood before him with her arms folded over her chest and a look of utter impatience. "I can't believe you used my daughter—."

"Our daughter."

"—in a plan to catch someone, what the hell was so important that you had to use Alaina?"

He shrugged. "Halloway was soliciting single mothers medical care in exchange for sex."

Her eyes went wide and for a few seconds her anger was replaced with shock. "What? That's disgusting!"

Jane nodded. "I needed Grace to pose as a single mother to catch him and I needed Alaina in order to do that."

Lisbon considered his statement for a long moment and then shook her head. "That does not give you the right to take my daughter—."

"Our daughter."

"You can't just take her out of daycare without permission, Jane! I was scared to death! And taking her to catch a suspect…my God, Jane. Anything could have happened!"

He caught her eyes with a serious gaze. "Lisbon, I would _never_ put Alaina in any position that would put her in danger. You know that."

"How? How do I know that?"

"Because she is my daughter, _our_ daughter," Jane reminded her.

Lisbon shook her head. "Yes she is, the one you didn't want. The one you made by mistake."

"By _accident_," Jane corrected her; his tone had a slight edge to it. "Alaina was an accident, a wonderfully marvelous and unexpected _accident_. Not a mistake. I told you that I am never going to call her that again and all I ask is that you don't either."

Lisbon looked a little shamed by that. It wasn't his intention but Jane was glad that maybe he was finally getting through to her at least on this score. He loved their daughter, even though he'd spent the whole pregnancy vehemently denying it, he loved her so much now. He had a lot of regrets in his life but none that led to the creation of this child.

Before anything further could be said, Alaina let out a sharp cry and another. It was one both of her parents had come to learn. "She's hungry," Lisbon said.

Jane nodded and looked around the office. "Do you have any bottles?"

Lisbon shook her head and opened up her arms. "Shut the blinds and lock the door." Jane did as she asked, closing the blinds first so that she could unbutton her blouse. "Just be glad I hadn't pumped yet," she remarked dryly as she brought Alaina to her breast so that she could nurse.

He smiled softly at the image they made; it was a sight he'd grown to cherish very quickly, one he didn't see often enough. At least Lisbon's lingering shyness over breastfeeding in front of him was gone, even when he'd stayed with her for a week she'd always covered up in front of him.

Jane took a seat on the sofa by her, his eyes still focused on his daughter. Lisbon was calm now as she nursed Alaina, her face filled with a softness that hadn't existed before her birth. "What does Halloway have to do with Gibson?"

"Gibson was looking into Halloway's financials, I think he figured out that he was providing discounts to certain customers."

"But Halloway has an alibi."

"I didn't say he killed him," Jane explained. "I think we need to look into his patients, it's possible that someone wanted to keep the gravy train flowing so to speak."

Lisbon shook her head with disgust. "That's terrible."

Jane didn't say anything but nodded his head. Alaina's little feet rubbed against her mother's arm and he reached out to gently play with one. Even taking off her sock so he could tug on her little toes.

Lisbon giggled a little. "You have a fetish with her feet."

He grinned up at her. "Not really, it's just the easiest part I can touch when you're holding her." She became serious at his words and he knew she caught the real message there. Jane still wanted more time with his child, but Lisbon was still keeping her at a distance from him. For now he would take what he could get, even if it was still at arms length.

Jane leaned against the back of the couch, still caressing Alaina's little foot. "Who is her pediatrician?"

Lisbon turned her head to look at him. "What?"

"I want to know who Alaina's doctor is," Jane explained. "How old is he? How does he treat her? How does he act around you?"

She studied him for a minute and then she smiled again. "Patrick Jane, are you worried that her doctor's going to try something?" Jane didn't say anything, trying to hide his sheepish expression. She chuckled lightly. "That's sweet but you do realize that if anyone tried something like that on me, I'd kick their ass."

She was right of course. Jane laughed a little and nodded. "I know…but I still worry."

Lisbon smiled softly. "It sucks doesn't it? Worrying? A few months ago all I had to think about was looking out for myself, now I have to think about booster shots and if the volunteers at the daycare center are taking good care of her."

Jane nodded. "And it's only going to get worse. When she's older there are strangers on the street, accidents waiting to happen, and boys coming over trying to take advantage."

She groaned and shook her head. "I hadn't even thought of that."

"Really? That's all I can think about."

Lisbon laughed a little and sighed. "I guess this is what it means to be a parent."

"Can't argue with that." For a few moments they were silent, content to bask in this time of both acknowledging their fears and joys of what they shared now. "I still would like to meet her doctor," Jane told her, "I want to know who's in her life."

Lisbon looked at him a little surprised. But she nodded her head. "All right, she has another appointment in a couple of weeks. You could come with us if you'd like."

"I would."

"Or you could just kidnap her from daycare again."

Jane laughed and lay back against the couch. "I did not kidnap her."

Alaina finished feeding in that moment and Lisbon brought her up to burp her gently. "You took her without my permission."

"I checked her out of daycare, I'm her father, I have that right."

"I put you on that list in case of an emergency," Lisbon explained, "not so you could give me a heart attack. I called there to check up on her and I was told she wasn't there, I was terrified!"

"But you knew she was with me," Jane reminded her, "and you knew I wouldn't hurt her."

He had her there. Once she knew that Alaina had been in his custody she hadn't been so concerned about her safety as she was pissed off that he'd done this. Still, it wasn't that good of an excuse. "You can't just take Alaina without telling me, you want to know where she is at any given time, just like me."

Jane nodded. "You're right."

"And you can't use her on a case again," Lisbon said firmly, "never _ever _again."

He nodded again. "Of course." He certainly didn't plan to use Alaina on a case again, but he didn't know what the future would bring.

Lisbon seemed mollified now. "All right, now that it's over, we can get back to work."

Jane smiled. "I'll leave you to it."

But when he stood up Lisbon stopped him with a firm. "Jane." He turned around to look at her; she was still on the couch, holding their now sleepy-eyed daughter close. "We can't have a baby here." She paused as she waited for him to get her meaning. "Take her back to daycare."

He grinned and eagerly accepted his child. "All right, I suppose since I apparently kidnapped her I should return her."

"Go," Lisbon ordered all but kicking him out of her office. But he saw the smile in her eyes.

Not a bad way to end the day since she'd been planning to murder him earlier. Jane grinned, and he got more time with Alaina.

No, not a bad thing at all.

* * *

_Grace stayed after the shower to help her clean up. She cleared away the balloons and streamers while Lisbon put away the left over food and threw out the remaining paper plates and cups. "I still can't believe you did this," she grumbled._

_ "Admit it, you had fun."_

_ "I did _not_," Lisbon replied tersely._

_ "But you got a lot of stuff you really needed and you didn't have _pay_ for it," Grace pointed out smugly._

_ "And that is the only reason why I have decided not to kill you," Lisbon said. She wiped down her counter with a damp rag and finished her cleaning with a smile. "Are you done?"_

_ "Yep, I'll help you put this stuff away," Grace told her, pointing to the presents._

_ Lisbon walked over and ran her hands over her new stroller. "You didn't have to get this."_

_ "Sure I did."_

_ "But it was so expensive."_

_ "Alaina deserves the best," Grace replied, "She needs to ride around in style. Besides, you needed a stroller and the matching car seat has great safety ratings."_

_ Lisbon nodded and gave her friend a wide smile. "You know I love it, thank you so much."_

_ Grace just grinned and wheeled the stroller into the hall closet where it would safely wait for Alaina to be born. "The bassinet Christina got is perfect."_

_ "I never even thought of that but it will be great to put her in when she's napping."_

_ "And the play pen will work when she gets a little older."_

_ Lisbon nodded her head again and gestured to the rest of the gifts. "I just don't know what I'm going to do with all of these toys."_

_ "You need to get a toy chest. We can go shopping this weekend, maybe something in white to match the crib?"_

_ "That sounds good," Lisbon agreed and then fingered one of the dresses. "Hopefully the closet is big enough to fit all of these."_

_ "Don't forget the dresser."_

_ "I haven't, but it already has a lot of stuff in it."_

_ "We'll manage," Grace replied and took an armful of baby clothes. "I'll bring these upstairs right now."_

_ She made to do just that but Lisbon stopped her. "Wait!" She rushed over and took the pink gift bag that had gotten tangled up in the clothing. "Leave this."_

_ An awkward pall fell over them as Grace remembered what was in that bag. "Oh yeah…I guess you don't want that." Lisbon didn't say anything but fingered the handle of the bag, looking down at the pretty pink ribbon. "What are you going to do?"_

_ "Return it," she said honestly._

_ Grace nodded. "Okay." She stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. "I'll just take these upstairs."_

_ Lisbon didn't move but watched her leave, still clutching the bag in her hands. After a minute she set the bag down on the end table and moved to pick up some of the toys that lined the coffee table. But every so often her eyes kept returning to that bag, like it was a car accident and she couldn't help but watch._

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_ For two days the bag remained sitting on her end table as Lisbon put off doing anything with it. She didn't know why but it seemed to taunt her, mocking her situation and the fact that she'd stupidly chosen to have a child with a man who refused to be there for their daughter. "You chose wrong," it seemed to say, "You chose wrong."_

_ She hated it. Hated the fact hat it reminded her of how foolish she had really been._

_ Her thoughts were haunted by every terrible memory she had of the last few months._

"You came here to tell me and you have." Jane told her, his words short and clipped. "And I told you what I wanted. I want you to get rid of this mistake."

_ She stared at the little pink bag, wishing it would just disappear and go away._

"I don't want anything to do with this," he repeated firmly.

A tear slipped from her eye and then another. "Why?" she asked, wincing at how her voice cracked.

He took in one breath and let it out. "I already had a family, Lisbon. I don't want another. Especially not this way."

"But…this is your child."

"I don't want it," Jane told her, "not now, not with Red John out there."

"You can't put your life on hold for him," Lisbon replied, "I'm not going to kill this baby because of some monster out there that you can't stop obsessing over.""

"Then don't," Jane said simply, "but don't expect me to support you." Then he picked up his jacket and book and began to walk away.

Lisbon turned to watch and before she could stop herself, one word slipped from her lips. "Please."

But he didn't even turn around.

_ She shut her eyes against the pain but the memories just kept on coming._

He shook his head. "I don't want to have anything to do with this."

"You've said that several times," she reminded him, now feeling that anger surfacing.

"But you won't honor it."

"You really want to talk about honor?" she asked, "Because if you want to do the _honorable_ thing then you are going to have to think of a whole other way to go about all of this."

"We were talking about you."

"No, Jane," Lisbon replied icily, "We were talking about you doing this one thing for me. Just one small favor for your child."

"I don't want the child."

"I do!" she shouted back, "and I said I would do it alone."

"Then why am I here?"

_ That was enough._

_ Lisbon grabbed the bag none too gently, snatched her keys from the kitchen counter and marched towards the door._

_ The drive to the store was long and filled with more pain._

Lisbon closed her eyes and tears spilled down her cheeks finally. "You really do hate me and this baby don't you?"

Jane's voice was softer, but still void of emotion. "Hate is a strong word."

She looked at him desperately. "Why, Jane? Why can't you do this? Isn't there something, anything that you want to do?"

Now he stood up, picking up his book. "It's not a question of want. I can't."

_ The store had a customer service counter in the front and she was in luck. There was no line. The woman behind the counter smiled at her sweetly. "Can I help you?"_

_ "I need to return this." Lisbon replied, pulling out the onesie and then the receipt that rested at the bottom of the bad._

_ "No problem," the woman said, taking the receipt and turning her attention to the computer_

_ Lisbon had no choice but to stand there and stare at the piece of clothing. The inscription on the front mocking her. Daddy's Little Girl._

Tears filled her eyes. Why couldn't he just turn his head? Just look her in the eye? After everything that happened, everything she had done for him…didn't she deserve to be looked at?' She wanted him back. She wanted her friend that used to tap dance to make her smile and would come to her for a small bit of comfort when he felt sad.

"Jane…" she said very softly. "I miss you."

But he still didn't look at her.

And when the elevator doors opened, he walked away and didn't once look back to see the tears streaming down her cheeks.

_ "All right ma'am," the woman said taking the onesie off the counter and out of Lisbon's sight. "Here is a gift card with the amount the item was worth on it. You may use it towards any other purchase in out store."_

_ "Thank you," Lisbon said and took the card quickly, turning away from that dreaded object forever._

_ But she turned to see her worst nightmare._

_ A happy couple strolled past her, the woman was pushing a cart full of diapers and formula and the man had a baby resting in a sling on his chest. The baby was wearing a pink hat it was a girl._

_ Lisbon watched and blinked back tears as he leaned down to gently kiss the top of his daughter's head._

Jane was quiet for a long time. She didn't look at him and he never once turned his gaze away from her. "I can't. I can't do it. Not again, not now. It was a mistake, this was always a mistake."

_ The family walked out of the doors and out of sight but Lisbon stood numbly for several minutes as she realized that she would never ever see that with her child. Jane wanted nothing to do with her daughter. Not a single thing._

_ That was when she knew exactly what she had to do._

* * *

They worked through the list of Halloway's patients, if Jane was right then one of them might have been the one to kill Gibson. But in the end it was one anomaly that stood out to them. The vast majority of Halloway's patients were single moms, but one was actually a married woman who also happened to have been contacted by Gibson two days before he died.

Jane and Lisbon headed over to the home of Dave and Linda Jones ready to ask the woman some questions about her relationship with Halloway.

The home was small and a bit disheveled so she was surprised that the inside had tasteful furnishings and paintings. One didn't seem to go with the other. But it was obvious that there was a child, toys were lined up against the wall, a playpen was in one corner. Lisbon knew her home looked very similar now.

"I'm sorry about the mess," Linda said as she led them into the living room, "I wasn't really expecting anyone."

"Mrs. Jones," Lisbon began diplomatically, "we needed to ask you some questions about Dr. Gibson and Dr. Halloway."

Linda looked startled by the statement and there was no mistaking the fear in her eyes. But the moment was interrupted by the sharp cry of a child. She quickly rushed over to the pen where she picked up a little boy of about six months old, "I'm sorry."

"It's all right," Lisbon told her honestly, "My daughter just turned three months so I know how it goes."

The woman relaxed a little at that bit of information. "Well, I'll try to help you with what I can."

"Were you aware that Dr. Gibson was killed?" she asked.

"I saw it on the news," Linda admitted, "but I don't know anything about it."

Lisbon glanced over to see that Jane was studying Linda with that soul-searching gaze of his. She had a feeling he believed Linda was lying, probably because she was thinking the same thing.

"And Dr. Halloway?" Lisbon asked.

Linda tensed immediately and kept her gaze on her child. "He is Lucas's doctor, why did something happen?"

Lisbon exchanged looks with Jane. "He was arrested today for soliciting sexual favors from some of his patients."

"Oh my God."

Even Lisbon could hear the lie in her voice. She didn't even have to look at Jane to know that.

"That screen looks too large for this room," Jane pointed out.

Linda turned her head to see the oriental room divider that he was gesturing to. "Oh, yeah," she said embarrassed. "My husband and I had to downsize recently."

"Before Lucas was born."

She looked more than a little ashamed but was smart enough to be aware that she was cornered. "My husband lost his job not long after I found out I was pregnant. It has been difficult adjusting with a new child."

"I know how that is," Lisbon replied, "It's hard taking care of a new baby with one income, I cannot imagine difficult it would be without even that."

"We've managed."

"I'm sure you have," Jane said simply, "clipping coupons, lowering the air conditioner, making a few sacrifices. I'm sure that you are willing to make a deal whenever you can to help out."

Linda didn't say a word.

Lisbon glanced at Jane and knew then what she had to say next. "We know Halloway was giving benefits to mothers…in exchange for sex. We also know that Dr. Gibson talked to you two days before he was killed."

She shook her head. "I don't…I…I can't."

"I'm sure you refused at first," Jane said smoothly, "you're an honorable woman. But those bills were adding up and Lucas needed to be cared for…and a mother will do anything to protect her child."

Linda shook her head and covered her face with her hands. "Linda," Lisbon said softly, "You need to tell us what you know."

"I didn't want to," she whispered, her voice muffled by her hands and her tears. "But Lucas got sick and we didn't have insurance anymore, we couldn't afford to…" she cried for a few moments but somehow managed to gather her composure. "Dr. Gibson called me; he wanted to know what Halloway had done for us. I told him everything."

Lisbon looked at Jane and then back at the woman. "Where were you the night Gibson was killed?"

"I was here. Lucas went to sleep at nine and I fell asleep not long afterwards."

"And your husband?" Jane asked, "was he with you?"

"No…" Linda admitted, "He said he was seeing some friends." She caught the look between Jane and Lisbon. "No, it's impossible, he didn't even know about me and Chris."

"Was he home when Dr. Gibson called?"

"I…think….no, no Dave didn't do it, no!"

Lisbon leaned forward. "Does your husband own a gun?"

"It's just for protection."

"We're going to need to see it."

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The ballistics matched, not that they needed them at that point. Ten minutes in interrogation with Jane and Dave Jones cracked. He was especially upset when he learned that the man he shot wasn't the one who solicited sex from his wife. In the end, Lisbon had to arrest a man guilty of trying to defend his wife's honor, destroying his family in the process.

Cases like this sucked. The real cause of this problem, the perverted doctor, would walk away with probation and the loss of his license. It made her sick to know that sometimes the scales of justice didn't fall on the ones who deserved it. But it wasn't her job to rail about how life wasn't fair, her job was done for now until another case came up.

She was tired and ready to go home. It was with a numb relief that she gathered up her things to leave, nowadays that meant more than just paperwork and her briefcase but checking to make sure she had the diaper bag and it was packed. Lisbon grimaced as she remembered that she'd actually had to use the bag earlier after Jane had stolen Alaina from daycare.

She'd actually wanted to rip his eyes out when she found out what he'd done. Taking Alaina anywhere without her permission was out of the question, especially since she was still having a hard time letting him see her child when she actually was in the room with him. It was true that finding out that his irrational actions led to shutting down Halloway did mollify her a bit, not enough forgive him yet though.

Jane might have been aware of that as he followed her out of the CBI. "You okay?"

She nodded her head. "Tired, cases like this make me want to scream."

"It's hard to be angry at a man who was trying to protect his wife."

"The idea of someone using single mom's desperation all so he could get his jollies," she shook her head in disgust, "it makes me sick. But I mostly feel sorry for them, they just wanted what was best for their kids and they didn't see a way out…I kind of know the feeling."

He glanced at her, a mixture of concern and guilt. She wasn't sorry for that though, she was a single mom that was just how it was and right now she wasn't willing to accept his help either.

"But you aren't them," Jane pointed out quickly, "you aren't desperate, even if you were I have no doubt your integrity would compel you to find another way."

"I'd have kicked his ass."

Jane grinned and nodded, "Exactly."

It did make her feel better, a small bit. "I'm just ready to go home."

"May I see her tonight?"

She stiffened a little as they stepped onto the elevator. "You mean kidnapping Alaina wasn't enough today?"

Jane shook his head, a little amused by her words. "I did not kidnap her."

"You took her from daycare without my permission, force Grace to go along with your scheme—."

"And proved that Halloway was trading sex for medical help," Jane replied.

"Yes you did," Lisbon agreed, "but that doesn't make up for the panic I felt when I realized my daughter was not where she needed to be."

"So I take it that means I can't come see her tonight."

Lisbon gave him a hard look. "You're lucky I'm not making it a permanent separation." They stepped off of the elevator and made their way to the parking lot

"Oh, so this is revenge?"

"No, Jane. This isn't revenge. It's about the blinding fear I felt when you took my daughter without permission."

"Our daughter."

"Fine, when you took _Alaina_ without permission."

She was caught off guard by his disappointed and hurt look. "You can't say it can you? You cannot call her _our_ child." Lisbon looked away; she couldn't meet his eyes right now. He was right, she had a hard time admitting that Alaina wasn't exclusively hers, not when she'd spent nine months being told by this very man that she was.

"Lisbon," Jane said softly forcing her to meet his eyes. "I am her father."

"I know that."

"Can you say it?"

She paused and looked into his eyes with a hard glance. "You're her father," Jane didn't relax though, probably because he knew she wasn't done. "But those are just words, Jane."

"I'm going to prove it."

"Kidnapping Alaina isn't helping."

He shook his head and smiled a little. "There is no way out of that one is there."

"No."

Jane sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, I will not take Alaina without your knowledge again."

She studied him carefully, unsure if she was willing to accept this apology or not. "Fine," she said firmly, "I accept it…but you still have a lot more to make up for."

"Well at least I'm back where I started."

Lisbon just rolled her eyes at that comment before opening her car and getting in. She was ready to leave the CBI behind and pick up her child. But Jane tapped on the driver's side window. A part of her wanted to ignore him but she also wanted to see what the hell he wanted. "What is it?" she asked, rolling the window down.

He leaned in and gave her a serious look and she realized this wasn't some joke for him right now. "Will you tell Alaina that I love her?"

Now she was stunned. Their daughter was three months old; she couldn't understand a word they said…was this more for her? She didn't know…but this simple question touched her more than any action.

"Okay," Lisbon said softly, "I will."

Jane gave her a small smile before stepping away and letting her roll up her window to leave.

He wanted her to tell Alaina that he loved her. She would do that…because Lisbon was actually beginning to believe it was true.

* * *

_Anna Harrison was an assistant district attorney that Lisbon had actually grown to like since she had been hired three years earlier. Their relationship was almost entirely centered around work but Lisbon trusted her enough to approach Anna when she'd gotten pregnant about setting up a will and guardianship for her unborn child. It was Anna who had pointed out that creating a custody arrangement with the father would be better settled sooner rather than later, of course Lisbon hadn't been able to make one._

_ "Lisbon," Anna said giving her a warm smile, "wow you're getting close. How are you feeling?"_

_ "Cramped, big, like I need to be carried around on a crane," Lisbon admitted, happy to take a seat in a comfortable chair. _

_ Anna laughed and shook her head. "What can I help you with? I thought I was going to be working with Cho on the Gordon-Ramsey case."_

_ Lisbon nodded. "I actually came for something personal." She took in a deep breath before continuing. "You helped me with creating a will and custodial arrangements for my child."_

_ "Did you want to change something?"_

_ "Oh no," Lisbon said quickly, "It's perfect. But you mentioned that I needed to create a custody plan with…with the father."_

_ Anna set her pen down and gave Lisbon her full attention. "You never mentioned it again, I assumed you were still discussing it."_

_ "The discussion ended several months ago," Lisbon admitted_

_ "Well then, we can set about getting court approval…"_

_ "Actually," Lisbon interrupted, looking down at her hands in her lap. "I was thinking about something else." She was very quiet for a long moment. "What do I have to do to terminate his parental rights?"_

_ Anna gave her a long look. "Is that something you want to do?"_

_ "It's not necessarily what I want," Lisbon explained, "but he…he doesn't want anything to do with the baby and I thought it would be best to…make it official."_

_ She nodded her head. "Well there are a couple of ways we can go. You could prove to the court that he is an unfit parent and have a judge terminate his rights. But from the sound of it, it will be easy to have him voluntarily terminate his rights."_

_ "What would that mean?"_

_ "He would have to sign a court issued document verifying that he wishes to have his rights terminated and that he wants no claim to the child. The document would be filed with the courts and it would mean he is voluntarily relinquishing any custodial claims to the child, but he would still pay child support."_

_ "What if I don't want child support?"_

_ "That is something you will have to approach a judge about," Anna admitted, "If he is unwilling to sign the birth certificate it will make it easier as that will mean he is not legally the child's father until paternity is settled."_

_ Lisbon frowned. "So that would mean that my baby would have no father, even on her birth certificate?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "And what if I do put his name down?"_

_ "Then you will have to continue with the termination process."_

_ Lisbon sighed and rubbed her eyes. "All right, if he signs the document, what then?"_

_ "He'll have a certain amount of time to contest, if he decides not to then the judge will formally decide to terminate his custodial rights and the amount, if any, child support he will be required to pay."_

_ Lisbon thought about it for a long time. "Okay, let's do that."_

_ "Now, none of this can go into affect until after the child is born," Anna pointed out, "until then, there are no parental rights to terminate."_

_ "I don't care," Lisbon explained, "I just want to get this started now."_

_ "All right, I can start drawing up paperwork, but I'll need the father's name."_

_ Lisbon hesitated for a very long time, biting her lip as she realized that this would mean revealing her secret. Finally she heaved a long sigh. "It's Jane…the father is Jane."_

_ Anna's eyes went as wide as dinner plates and she actually opened her mouth in shock. She knew Jane, had to work with his cases many times over the past three years. She'd even famously gotten frustrated with him and kicked him out of her office while practicing for a deposition. Lisbon hadn't been too happy with Jane for that one either._

_ But Anna was also aware that they were close, that Lisbon had come to care for Jane deeply. They were loyal to one another and Lisbon was more than willing to stick her neck out for him in almost every matter._

_ Yes, everyone in the State Department was well aware of Jane._

_ And now she knew he had abandoned her._

_ Anna cleared her throat and somehow regained her composure. "Okay then, I'll draw up the paperwork and get back to you."_

_ "Thank you," Lisbon said, struggling to her feet. But she paused at the door and turned to look at her. "None of this goes past this room."_

_ "Of course," Anna replied and Lisbon knew she meant it._

_ She nodded her head and walked out of the door feeling a strange sense of calm._

_ There, it was started. The beginning of the end._

* * *

"What happened in the final weeks of her pregnancy?" Sophie asked, moving on with their discussion about his deplorable behavior.

Jane shrugged. "It was all the same. We fought. I ignored her, she ignored me. We only spoke to yell at one another. She left to go home alone and I found solace in cheap liquor."

"You drank a lot?"

"I had more alcohol in the weeks before Alaina was born than I did the last ten years," Jane admitted bitterly.

To her credit, Sophie didn't react to this revelation. Just nodded her head. "Why do you think you did that?"

Jane shook his head. "I wanted that bit of comfort."

"How did you feel in those final weeks?"

He gave her a small smile. "Like Luke Skywalker in the trash compactor…the walls were closing in and I had no where to go."

"You felt trapped."

"Yes. I knew it was coming, I couldn't escape it no matter how much I wanted to. When I was drunk I could at least forget."

Sophie gave him a serious look. "So when you were sober the knowledge that your child would soon be born was hanging over you?"

Jane nodded. "I thought about it a lot then, I didn't have much of a choice."

"What did you think of it?"

He sighed. "Mostly it was me feeling sorry for myself. I didn't try to picture the baby but I wanted to figure out ways to keep myself from having any part of her. The same thought kept repeating in my mind, 'No way out'."

"Did you resent Teresa?"

"Yes, I felt like she was the one responsible for putting me here. I was drunk that night and she wasn't, even though I was the one who seduced her," Jane continued, "she was the one who decided to ignore me and go through with the pregnancy. I felt powerless."

"And that has changed?"

"I'm still powerless," Jane admitted, "But for different reasons. Now she has control because she has my child. I don't resent her for that power though because I recognize that I'm the one that was completely at fault. The burden of proof now falls on me, I have to prove that I do want to be Alaina's father."

Sophie nodded. "You've talked quite a bit about the pressing feeling of fear throughout her pregnancy, you said you did not believe you would connect with your child, that you truly believed you wanted nothing to do with her."

"There is a lot I have to make up for."

"But if you want to know why you did this then we need to talk about how everything has turned around," Sophie explained. "When did you change your mind?"

Jane looked at her somberly for a moment. "The day Alaina was born."

Sophie reacted with a slight tilt of her head. "That must have been an interesting day."

He gave her a very strong look, wanting her to know the full weight of his words. "It was one of the worst days of my life."

* * *

A/N: On that note I now am here to inform you that the next chapter will be ENTIRELY composed of flashbacks. It will be the day Alaina was born and the circumstances that result in as Jane called it "One of the worst of his life" and yes, you will see how Jane goes from being a soulless bastard to the sorry and loving father he is now.

As always, let me know what you think.


	7. Welcome to the World

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: This was the chapter I've been waiting for and the one I can't wait to see you guys read. The entire chapter is a flashback to the day Alaina was born, a rough ride for everyone involved. I have to say, I am still SHOCKED by the way this story has been received. When random people tweet during an episode that "Jane and Lisbon just need to make Alaina already" you know that you have the best readers in the world! LOL Love you all so much!

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Guest:** Well you don't have to wait anymore!

**Sabrina:** LOL I hope you were being funny because that was a loooong chapter LOL, yep that was a hard thing to go back and put all of Jane's misdeeds into one scene. I'm glad it had the affect I was looking for. Don't worry, you'll be back on Team Jisbon with this chapter and Jane's actions in the future, trust me!

**Jessica:**LOL love that, sometimes "awww" just says it all

**Guest:** Okay, go back and read chapter 5 where Jane clearly states that he loves Lisbon, he loves her but he does not believe he deserves her which is why he won't show his emotions. Also, right now, proving to Lisbon that he can be a father is taking hight priority over proving that he's boyfriend material. Let him achieve one goal before working on the other.

**misfit 1-3:** Hehehe thanks! You don't have to wait any longer though, here it is.

**Hal:** LOL I got that reaction a lot after I mentioned my original sin between Jane and Lila, don't worry, I came to my senses VERY quickly LOL. Thank GlindaLovesShoes for the camera scene, she gave me the idea. Yes, she is starting to trust him...a little bit, she didn't kill him which is a good start LOL. You'll love this chapter, I know it.

* * *

Chapter 7: Welcome to the World

Lisbon woke up to a blaring alarm. She grunted and swatted at it, finally turning the thing off after her third attempt. She sighed and rocked her body, swinging her legs over the side and slowly pushing herself up off the mattress into a standing position. It was so hard just getting out of bed these days.

She waddled her way over to the bathroom, yawning loudly and trying to shake loose the morning cobwebs. She grimaced at her reflection in the mirror, puffy face, unruly hair, giant pregnant belly; she had never looked more a mess in her life. Fortunately for her, she was beyond caring at this point.

Still, she followed her normal routine. Standing on the bathroom scale and holding up a mirror to see the weight. Now she did groan when she saw the digits. "Okay, kid," she muttered to her unborn child, "you better weigh about twenty pounds, otherwise I'm going to be pissed."

Then she realized that meant she would be _pushing_ said twenty-pound baby out of her body. "On second thought, I hope you weigh more about five."

Alaina let out a soft kick making Lisbon smile. "Okay, enough teasing. I have to go to work and you have to keep on kicking my bladder, sound good?"

She gave another kick as if in agreement and Lisbon sighed again. Soon enough she would have her body all to herself again and a beautiful baby to devote her life to. Lisbon finished her morning routine, getting herself dressed in a blue maternity dress and pulling her hair back into a loose ponytail. There was no point in dolling herself up when she looked like a pot-bellied pig.

Breakfast consisted of a fried egg sandwich, apparently the baby really wanted protein, topped off with orange juice. Lisbon flipped through her pregnancy book to check out the information on her week.

_37 Weeks: __Your baby is now considered "full term," even though your due date is three weeks away. If you go into labor now, his lungs will likely be mature enough to fully adjust to life outside the womb. Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel._

"Okay, Alaina, three weeks, think you can make it? More importantly, do you think _I_ can make it?" She smiled and rubbed her stomach, not waiting for a response. "I'm anxious to see you but here's a deal, you take as long as you need before you are ready and I'll try not to scream too loudly when you are coming out."

She finished her breakfast and gathered the rest of her things before struggling to fit behind the steering wheel of her car. The drive to the CBI was rather uneventful and she was happy to haul herself out of her vehicle and make the long waddling trek into the building.

Ralph was on security today and he greeted her with a big goofy grin. "Hey there Lisbon, she's still not out yet I see."

Lisbon shook her head. "Three more weeks, if I'm lucky."

"The little buggers tend to come out when they want to."

"So I've heard."

He laughed and let her step through the metal detector. "You have a nice day."

"Thanks, Ralph," Lisbon said before heading towards the elevator to get to her office. She was smiling as she headed towards it and then stopped cold when she saw that Jane was standing there waiting to use the same one.

Lisbon actually considered using the stairs…but there was no way she'd manage in her condition. Jane glanced at her and then looked far away, but he didn't move. Apparently he wasn't going to even show her the courtesy of _trying_ to avoid her.

Matters only got worse when Holly from press relations joined them in the wait. Lisbon liked Holly, she was a sweet girl that had a certain freshness about her that was endearing…but she was not aware of the complications between her and her consultant.

"Agent Lisbon! Oh it's nice to see you again."

"Thank you," Lisbon said softly, giving Jane a sideways glance.

"You look great, really. You have that glow."

"Yeah, the glow and swollen feet and fingers and all of the other joys that come with pregnancy."

The elevator finally arrived and the three of them stepped on. Lisbon felt completely awkward standing there while Jane basically refused to look at her. If Holly noticed his unusual behavior then she chose not to acknowledge it.

"When are you due again?"

Lisbon glanced at Holly, trying not to look over her shoulder at Jane. "Three weeks."

"Oh wow, you're getting close. You must be so excited!"

She nodded. "Yeah, I am. I'm ready for this baby to be born."

The elevator stopped on Holly's floor and she moved to leave. "Well we are all happy for you."

Lisbon nodded again numbly, "Thanks."

Then she and Jane were alone on the elevator…the one person in the building that _wasn't_ happy for her. She hated these moments even more than she hated it when they fought; at least then they were talking. Here right now they couldn't even look at one another.

Nine months ago it hadn't been like this. They would get on the elevator together and talk amicably, maybe he'd make a teasing remark that would annoy her but she'd smile about it later. He would be charming, she would be flattered. The day would be filled with banter and friendship.

She never thought that it would ever come down to this.

The elevator finally came to their floor and they both stepped off but she slowed down to let him go ahead. She watched his back with a mixture of pain and anger, but Alaina let out a soft kick which always made her smile. Lisbon had no doubt who was in the right here and it certainly wasn't Jane.

Grace spotted her as soon as she made her way towards the bullpen. "Hey! How are you feeling today?" The redhead ignored Jane entirely.

"I'm okay," Lisbon told her honestly, "tired, fat and cranky but what else is new?"

"Any contractions?"

"Of course not," Lisbon replied.

"You're at 37 weeks and I was born three weeks early," Grace reminded her, "it isn't that much of a stretch."

"I _wish_ she'd come early," she said, "but with my luck I'll be ten days overdue."

"What did your doctor say yesterday?"

"That everything is fine, she'll come when she's ready," Lisbon explained, "I just have to wait until then."

"I hate waiting," Grace said impatiently.

"Me too," Lisbon agree with a laugh, "maybe we can convince her to come out sooner rather than later."

"Sounds good to me."

Lisbon smiled and shook her head. "Okay, I'll get back to desk duty, enjoy doing actual work."

She was still smiling as she made her way into her office. Flopping down onto her chair and groaning at the large amount of paperwork that littered her desk. Apparently Bertram was taking her pregnancy induced desk duty seriously and that meant dumping anything that was remotely obscure, boring and irrelevant onto her lap.

For an hour Lisbon tried to get comfortable and do some work but the hard chair and tight confines of her desk was not accommodating for one and a half people. This was stupid; there was a big comfortable couch just a few feet away from her. Yes, Jane had gotten it for her but he'd also gotten her pregnant, there was no point in suffering for some pride when she'd had many naps on that couch before all of this happened.

Okay that wasn't the best of logic but she was tired of sitting on a hard chair. Lisbon used the desk to hoist herself out of the chair. She grabbed an armful of paperwork and a pen before sitting down on the couch with a content sigh.

Much better.

This was perfect, baby kicking softly inside of her and enjoying an easy morning of paperwork. She should relish it; soon it was going to be diapers, feedings and spit up. But right now she was dealing with the unfortunate side affects of pregnancy that included the need to go to the bathroom every five minutes.

She sighed heavily and moved to sit up. But unfortunately the very comfortable couch was also one that she sank into; she wasn't able to stand up. She tried bracing herself up but her giant stomach obviously made that impossible; she kept falling back against the couch.

Lisbon let out a frustrated groan. She could do this; she just had to find a way to get off her pregnant ass.

Maybe she could sort of slide off the couch? That could work. Lisbon eased herself sideways so that she could hopefully use the edge of the couch as a lever to hoist herself up.

But her center of gravity was not where it was supposed to be. Instead of pushing herself up she fell onto her butt on the floor. She stared up at her ceiling feeling vaguely like an upside down bug. Okay, all she had to do was roll over onto her side and stand up.

_ "Yeah, roll, that'll work when you're so big that you can't see your feet!"_ Still Lisbon tried but had no luck getting to her feet on her own…and she really had to pee.

Good thing she had her cell phone.

Lisbon reached down and found her phone, able to punch out a text to the three members of her team that still actually gave a damn about her.

_My office. NOW!_

Still, she was shocked when she immediately heard the stampede of feet. "Boss! Are you okay?"

"Are you in labor?"

"Why are you on the floor?"

She managed to give them all her famous glare…even while horizontal on the floor. "I'm not in labor. I was trying to get off the couch and I…fell. Now I can't get up."

The three of them blinked at her as the words sank in. Then Lisbon had a great view of all three of them, even Cho, bursting into gales of laughter.

"This is _not_ funny!"

That didn't have any affect on them as they were all doubled over.

Lisbon glared menacingly at them. "While you are laughing could you help me up?!"

Cho and Rigsby were still chuckling, the former getting a hold of himself sooner. "Sorry, boss," Rigsby chortled, "but it's like a turtle on it's back."

The two men heaved her up, both helping with her larger frame. "Thanks," Lisbon said straightening out her dress. "You're all fired by the way."

That gave them all a few more chuckles. "Yes, keep laughing at the funny pregnant lady," Lisbon muttered, "but at least get out of my way while you are doing it."

"Where are you going?" Grace asked, still trying to control her laughter.

"My other office," she called out of her shoulder.

"Break room?" Rigsby asked.

"Bathroom," Grace replied.

"Right."

* * *

The two of them were walking down the street. She was wearing a yellow sundress and white shoes, he was holding her hand while looking down at her with what Jane could only assume was a look of adoration. No doubt she was giving him the same look, love was like that.

Jane studied the father and daughter with mixed feelings. There was a lot of sadness filling him now, regret as he recalled what it was like to hold a little girl's hand. To walk with her down the street. To hear her say "I love you, Daddy".

That was his once, he'd lost it.

That part of him was gone, gone forever. It couldn't be found again, it was much too late for that, and he was far too broken.

"What are you doing up here?"

Jane turned around to see that Cho had joined him on the rooftop café, probably to get some better coffee than the community swill. He just shrugged. "I'm enjoying the view."

"You're hiding from Lisbon."

The man was good, no doubt about that. "Now why would I be doing that?"

Cho simply stared at him, arms crossed, a very hard look on his face. For some reason Cho hadn't yet decided to give up on him, even when everyone else including Lisbon, had. It didn't make sense especially after he'd hit Jane. It was irksome and made Jane wonder if the man knew something he didn't.

"It's getting close," Cho pointed out, "in a few more weeks she'll be here."

Oh yes. Her. The unborn child Jane had unwittingly conceived. The child he didn't want, didn't need and couldn't love.

Her.

Jane shrugged. "That doesn't change anything."

"It does. She'll be here and you won't be able to hide anymore."

"She isn't going to be at the office," Jane pointed out, "I don't know why you think that would have any affect on me."

Cho studied Jane with a hard look. "You really think you won't care that there is going to be a kid…_your_ kid?"

"It's not my child, Cho," Jane replied.

"You say that a lot," Cho pointed out, "Are you trying to convince yourself it's true?"

"I know it's true, emotionally I have no feelings for this child whatsoever."

But Cho didn't look convinced at all. "You're lying."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do," Cho replied before turning around and walking away.

Jane watched him go feeling that frustration that came whenever he wasn't certain if he'd won an argument or lost. Cho certainly couldn't tell when he was lying or not so there had to be something else. He wasn't lying though. He wasn't lying.

He turned around to look back out at the street. The father and daughter were still there, looking at a bakery window, pressing their noses against the glass.

He wasn't lying.

He wasn't lying.

He wasn't lying.

* * *

Lunch used to be her frequently skipped meal, but that was before she started sharing her body with Jane's baby. It was no surprise that her daughter was always hungry and when Alaina wanted something specific, there was no stopping her.

She showed up at Grace's desk purse already over her arm and a determined look on her face. "What do you want?" Grace asked with a smile.

"Lunch."

"And what are you craving today?"

"Tacos!" Lisbon declared.

Grace grimaced, "Oh no, not Mexican again!"

"I have to have tacos, greasy meaty tacos with everything on them."

"That doesn't make them sound any better."

Lisbon pouted. "Grace, don't you want your goddaughter to be happy?"

Grace groaned. "Oh man, why did you have to put it like that?"

She grinned happily, knowing that she'd gotten what she'd wanted. "Come on, you drive. It's hard enough getting out of the car without a steering wheel in front of me."

"You shouldn't be driving anymore anyways."

"My doctor said it was safe."

They walked down towards the elevator ready to head off for a quick lunch break. "I know she said it was safe, but I'm still worried about the seat belt digging into your stomach or what if you go into labor when you're on the road?"

"The seat belt is fine and what are the odds of me going into labor while driving?"

"I heard about a woman who went into labor and she had to have the baby on the side of a highway."

"Why would you tell me that?" Lisbon asked as they made their way to Grace's car, "I'm already freaked out enough as it is!"

Grace grinned and unlocked the car so that they both could get in. "You don't have to be freaked out."

"Nope, in three weeks I'll be pushing another human being out of me, why shouldn't I be scared?"

"It's going to be okay," Grace told her, "You'll push, you'll scream and you'll hold your daughter."

"What a lovely way to put it."

She laughed lightly and drove the car out of the parking lot. "It's what women were designed to do, you're going to be just fine."

"I know," Lisbon said, "that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it. I'm just going to be glad when it is over."

"We'll all be," Grace pointed out, "we want to see Alaina."

"Me too."

They were quiet for a minute as Grace headed in the direction of _Hector's Taco Stand_ Lisbon's favorite grease spot at the moment. "Actually, I've been thinking about when you go into labor."

"Oh yeah?" Lisbon asked, more than a little curious as to what Grace was talking about.

"Well I know I'm going to be there with you."

"Of course, who else is going to remind me how to breathe and hand me ice chips that I'll start throwing at people?"

That made Grace grin. "You also said you'd call me when you went into labor and I could pick you up."

"Yeah."

"What if you didn't have to call me?" Grace asked, "I could come stay with you…I don't know, the week before your due date?"

"Really?"

"It makes sense. What if you go into labor in the middle of the night? Instead of calling and waiting for me to get there I could just help you to the car and drive you. And I was going to stay after the baby was born for a few days anyways until you recover. Why not just show up a few days early?"

Lisbon thought about it for only a moment and nodded her head. "You're right. It is a good idea, as long as you don't mind the couch, with this stomach I can't give up my bed."

That made Grace laugh and she shook her head. "I'll take the couch, I promise."

She glanced at the road in front of them. The red light ahead of them had turned green, no need for Grace to apply the breaks. "I can't remember the last time I had a roommate," Lisbon admitted.

"Mine was college," Grace explained, "sorority girl, she threw up on my bed and that was the last time I ever wanted to share a room with someone."

Lisbon laughed at the image, turning her head to look out the window. Just in time to watch as the white pick up truck came barreling towards them, accelerating actually.

She didn't have time to scream, just sucked in a breath right before the two vehicles collided.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Jane had escaped to his attic hideaway, eager to avoid the probing gaze of Cho and the disappointed silence of Rigsby. It seemed like the bullpen was now becoming a cage, actually the whole office was. These last few weeks felt like the final minutes on New Years Eve, except there was no party, just a nightmare he couldn't seem to wake from.

In three weeks there was going to be a child. A child with his blood.

There was no way he could stop it, he wasn't sure what terrified him more. The inevitability of this baby coming or the fact that he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore?

He hadn't lied to Cho. He hadn't. He didn't feel anything for this child.

Jane told himself that at as he stared the sonogram he'd stolen from Lisbon's desk weeks before.

There she was. The child he feared more than anything on this earth.

He could see the shape of her head, her open mouth, one hand splayed as if waving to the camera. That was her. This gray, fuzzy, pixilated photograph was a child that was going to be born soon.

His child.

No, not his, never his. This little girl deserved so much better than him. He was never supposed to be a father again and this child, this mistake, was not going to change that no matter what biology said.

He'd hurt too many people, seeing this baby and realizing that he couldn't give it the love it deserved…no he wouldn't hurt her. He wouldn't let her feel inadequate or like she was second best, he'd already done that to her mother too many times to count. He couldn't love again, not now; he was broken, damaged beyond full repair.

This child couldn't fix him.

He was certain of that.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

There was the smell of leaking gasoline and cloying smoke as Grace somehow managed to break herself out of the daze she was under. She could hear the hiss of the smoking engine and the twisted sound of the metal creaking. When she opened her eyes it was blurry, a haze from her pounding headache that being rocked side to side had caused.

Pain, she could feel the pain. Her arm felt like it was on fire and she couldn't feel her fingers entirely. That wasn't good. Grace didn't pay it any mind though, her mind screamed to check on her friend.

"Lisbon," she said and then spoke louder. "Lisbon! Are you okay?"

She heard a groan and a soft, "Grace," followed by another moan.

Well she was alive and talking, that was a good start.

Grace tried to sort out what had happened. The other car had hit on the passenger side, she think they might have flipped once but it looks like they'd managed to land back on the car's tires. Oh God, the baby!

Sirens sounded close by as Grace struggled to open the driver's door. It was hard getting it open when the metal was dented and twisted and her left arm was having problems moving. She managed to kick it open and see the arrival of several squad cars and emergency vehicles as well as a few good Samaritans. "Are you okay?" An officer asked as he rushed over to her.

Grace nodded numbly. "My friend, she's nine months pregnant, we have to check on her!"

"Ma'am you need to sit down."

"No, check on Lisbon first!"

The officer gave her a wide-eyed look but clearly decided not to argue with her. Grace followed him around the car to see that the passenger side was heaping dented wreck, even the frame was bent.

Lisbon was still in the seat, her seat belt fastened but she was doubled over and moaning. "Lisbon, Lisbon what's wrong?"

She finally looked up and met Grace's eyes. She was pale, her face white as milk except for the thin trickle of blood over her left eye. "The baby, something is wrong…it hurts."

"Oh God," Grace breathed and tried to open the car door, ignoring her arm.

"Ma'am you have to stop," The officer pulled her back.

"I'm Agent Van Pelt of the CBI, that is Agent Lisbon, I can't just leave her in there."

"Let the EMT's do their job," the officer replied. He took her arm and half dragged her a couple of feet away towards an ambulance but Grace refused to budge.

Two EMTs manged to get the door open fairly quickly after some heaving. "Ma'am," they said, unbuckling her seat belt. "Where does it hurt?"

Lisbon just groaned loudly. "Contractions…I think I'm in labor… did my water break?" She reached down to feel the small puddle of liquid on her seat…but her fingers came back red. "Oh my God."

"Okay, we have to get you to the hospital immediately," the man said, "get a stretcher over here!"

"My baby," Lisbon said softly, "don't let her die…please don't let her die."

Grace ran over to her friend, ignoring the officer who tried to stop her. "It's going to be okay, Lisbon," she told her.

"Grace…I…I can't breathe…and I'm bleeding…"

"It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay."

The medical team quickly loaded her onto the stretcher, putting an oxygen mask over her face to help her breathe. Grace didn't ask, just followed them into the ambulance as she shouted at the officer. "Call Agent Kimball Cho, tell him what happened."

Then there was nothing but the slamming of the doors and screech of sirens. Grace held Lisbon's hand the whole time, silently praying to God to keep her promise.

* * *

Jane had come back down from his attic and was flipping through a book on his couch. It was a poor distraction from his thoughts but a distraction nonetheless. He was actually hoping for a case, that would give them all the needed diversion away from his terrible sins. He perked up once Cho's phone rang, maybe his wish was being granted.

Cho answered his phone with a quick. "Cho." Jane watched though as the man's eyes widened and he went slightly pale. It took a lot to rattle Cho which meant something was very, very wrong.

"What happened?" Cho asked. "They're hurt? Which hospital? All right, thank you."

Rigsby's attention was caught the moment Cho said the word 'hospital'. "What's going on?"

"The boss and Van Pelt were in an accident."

"How bad?"

"Bad."

Jane felt his body grow cold at the lone word, mostly from the way Cho said it, things had to be terrible indeed.

"Where are they going?" Rigsby asked, already standing up to get his things.

"Mercy General," Cho said.

"Do you know their condition?"

"We'll find out when we get there."

It didn't escape Jane's notice that they both left the bullpen without once glancing in his direction. They simply assumed that he wouldn't come, that Lisbon and her unborn child didn't matter to him. They had no reason to believe otherwise.

But somehow Jane made his way to his car and drove himself to Mercy General Hospital without even thinking of anything else. That wasn't true, his mind was racing with different possibilities and especially one thought.

_I can't lose them._

Jane didn't take the time to ponder if the 'them' included the unborn baby girl or not.

He arrived just moments after Rigsby and Cho who both stopped in there tracks at the entrance to the hospital. "What are you doing here?" Rigsby asked, there was some bitterness in his voice.

"Lisbon and Grace were in an accident," Jane reminded him.

"We know."

"Then why are you asking?"

Rigsby looked startled by that response but Cho just nodded his head. "Come on, let's find them."

At least they could agree that finding out the condition of the other members of their team trumped the hostility they all felt towards Jane at the moment. It took quite a bit of persuading to get the nurse at the front desk to tell them where they were, but they all felt the fear grow worse when she told them that Lisbon was in surgery.

Grace was easier to track down; she was sitting on one of the beds behind the rows of curtains in the emergency room. Her arm was encased in a cast and she had a small bandaged on her forehead but she looked better than they had hoped. She burst into tears as soon as she saw them. It was Rigsby who walked over to comfort her.

"They said he was drunk," Grace explained, "He ran the red light because he hit the accelerator instead of the brake."

"It wasn't your fault."

Grace shook her head. "Oh God, they won't tell me much about Lisbon. But she was bleeding and having contractions, I heard them say that the placenta might have detached."

There was a long moment of silence as that bit of news sank in. There was no denying the gravity of the situation if it were true; this was bad for everyone involved.

"Rigsby is right," Jane told her softly, "this wasn't your fault."

For the first time Grace noticed Jane was there and she was none too happy about it. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Regardless of what is happened I still care about everyone on this team," Jane replied calmly.

"I'm not going to believe that," Grace declared firmly, "not after everything you did. Are you here to gloat? She might lose her baby, that's what you wanted, right?"

The silence that followed was deafening but Grace didn't look the least bit sorry for what she'd said. Rigsby and Cho glanced from her to Jane and back again, unsure over who's to side with on this fight.

But Jane just stared at her. The look of pain and coldness that came whenever someone gave him a severe blow. "Never believe for one second that I wanted any of _this_," he told her firmly, gesturing to the room around them.

They didn't say anything but simply stared at one another, her silence proof that she refused to accept that she'd hurt him and his refusal to let her believe she'd won. It was Cho who stepped in. "We'll wait in the waiting room, see if we can find out something."

She nodded. "I'll meet you there when I'm discharged."

They slowly filed out of there to do all they could.

Wait.

* * *

A half an hour later Grace had joined them but there was no news yet. Jane was sitting a couple of chairs away from them, not by choice. She refused to sit near him and Rigsby was on her side at the moment. Cho kept getting up to get new information; he was never sitting down long enough to pick a side.

He was still standing when a woman came in wearing dark blue scrubs and a nervous look on her face. She had a whispered conversation with the nurse before glancing their way and walking over. "You are here for Teresa Lisbon?"

"Yes," Grace said quickly jumping to her feet. "Is she okay? What's happened?"

The doctor held up her hand to calm her down. "She is still in surgery, but the placental abruption was too severe, we had to do a c-section."

"Oh God," Grace gasped and collapsed back into the chair.

"Is the baby all right?" Rigsby asked.

"The baby was in distress when we performed the procedure, she's alive but her blood pressure is low and is anemic. We need to give her a transfusion before she goes into shock."

Grace buried her face into Rigsby's shoulder and her whole body shook with sobs. Cho was the calm one. "Then why aren't you doing it?"

"It isn't that simple," The doctor explained, "infants are very fragile and if she rejects the donated blood there are risks, more than that we are in low supply of her blood type. We need an emergency donation. Family is preferable and her mother is in surgery and not a match so it's important to know which one of you is the father."

She was looking at Cho and Rigsby; they were the ones closest to Grace. But she wasn't the only one surprised when Jane stood up. "That's me."

"Really? This is not the time to be joking."

"I agree," Jane replied.

She sized Jane up for a moment and nodded her had. "All right, you can come with me then."

No one said anything when he left. He simply followed the doctor he didn't even know by name at the moment. She brought him to small room where she directed him to sit in the chair by an array of sharp implements. Not exactly reassuring.

"We need to test your blood for infection," the doctor explained, "I'll just take a small sample to the lab."

"That's fine." Jane told her she swabbed one arm with alcohol so she could prick his skin with a needle. "How is L-…her mother?"

The doctor met his eyes. "In worse shape than your daughter. The placenta being detached like that caused a lot of bleeding in her uterus. If they can get it under control they might be able to save it, or they'll have to do a hysterectomy."

Jane closed his eyes against the pain of that bit of news. He hoped that Lisbon didn't have to endure something like that, not now, not when she still had many good years ahead of her.

"That should do it, I'll be back to take more once we get the results," she smiled gently at him. "Mr…?"

"Jane, my name is Patrick Jane."

"Well then, Mr. Jane. I'm Dr. Kilgore, I'll be back after I check up on your daughter."

She turned around before she saw his reaction to that news.

Daughter.

That word was painful and beautiful.

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It seemed like forever and only a few minutes when Jane was finally giving blood to save the life of Lisbon's child. Dr. Kilgore dismissed him once it was done, giving him instructions to take it easy for a few hours and to report any dizziness. He was fine though.

He simply went back into the waiting room. The three other members of the team looked up at him with various emotions of curiosity and anger. He ignored them, taking up his seat again and burying his face in his hands.

They must have stared at him for a while, wondering what was going on but no one said a word. He was glad for that, he didn't want to talk. He just wanted to sit here and hate this horrible day.

Jane couldn't say how long it was but it must have been at least a couple of hours when he heard Dr. Kilgore come back. "Excuse me…Mr. Jane?"

He finally looked up to meet her eyes. "Yes?"

"I wanted to let you know that your daughter has improved dramatically," she told him with a warm smile, "her vital signs have stabilized, her color has improved, everything is normal. I'm quite sure she will be fine."

He stared at her for a moment before nodding his head. "Thank you."

"Would you like to see her?"

Jane was quiet for several seconds as he considered her words. Then he gently shook his head. "No…her mother should see her first."

The doctor gave him a slight nod. "I understand…but you saved her life. You should be proud."

He didn't say a word, not a word as she left the room. Then he sighed and repeated the same posture he'd had before, bent forward and head in his hands.

The good doctor thought he wanted to share that moment with his child's mother. She had no idea that he had no right whatsoever to see that baby, not after everything that had happened. He was going to stay far away from the child; she would be protected that way.

Again time passed, he didn't know how long. Maybe minutes maybe hours but eventually a new doctor joined the room, looking exhausted but pleased. "You're with Teresa Lisbon?"

"Yes," Grace said, "do you know something."

"She just got out of surgery, we managed the control the bleeding without removing her uterus. She's weak, lost quite a bit of blood there, but she should recover."

The three of them breathed sighs of relief and smiled happy smiles…Jane remained completely still.

"Can we see her?" Grace asked quickly.

"She's being taken to recovery, she won't wake up for at least another hour or so but I'm sure she'd like to see a friendly face."

"Which room?"

"412."

"Oh thank you!" Grace exclaimed, actually jumping up and hugging the man, "Thank you so much!"

The doctor laughed lightly and removed himself from her embrace. "It's all right, why don't you go see your friend."

He left and Rigsby, Cho and Grace both celebrated with Grace giving them all hugs. "Oh thank God," she said happily. "I want to see her now."

"We should call her brothers," Rigsby pointed out.

"Can you guys do that? I have to see her, I'll let you know when she wakes up."

"Of course."

The three of them went off in different directions. But Jane remained exactly where he was, just sitting there. He breathed deeply, in and out, in and out as he tried to sort out just what he was feeling.

Relief? Joy? Pain? He didn't know anymore.

They were okay…they were both okay.

That was all that mattered right now.

* * *

Lisbon slowly roused herself from a very heavy sleep; the first thing she was aware of was pain. It hurt even to breath, like she'd been hit by a truck. Actually…she had been, at least the car she was in had. Her eyes were still closed as she tried to recall everything that had happened, the sound of the crushing metal and the rush of pain, how dizzy and disoriented she had felt. It was a blur, surreal blur of disjointed memories.

Her baby. She'd been losing her baby.

Now her eyes snapped open. She had to shut them again almost immediately, it was much too bright. After a moment she opened them slowly and she found herself blinking into the light and seeing the friend she'd come to depend on most.

"Grace?"

"Lisbon!" Grace exclaimed, scooting closer to her friend, "You're awake, oh thank God."

"Wh-what happened? Where's my baby?"

The other agent grew solemn and Lisbon felt the prickling of fear against her skin. Oh God, oh God. "The placenta detached because of the accident, they had to do an emergency c-section and you lost a lot of blood."

"What about my baby?" she interrupted, her voice growing frantic.

Grace held up a hand to calm her. "She's okay now."

"_Now_?"

"She was anemic because she went into distress, they had to give her a transfusion."

"Oh my God," Lisbon gasped out. Dozens of scenarios ran through her mind, what if there was a complication, what if she had health problems or brain damage? "But…but she's okay right?"

Grace smiled and nodded. "They said she should make a full recovery, you both will. We were very, _very_ lucky."

Lisbon took a moment to let it all process and then she gasped in relief. "Oh God," she whispered and ran one hand over her face, her heart still racing with anxiety. "I need to see her, where is she?"

"I'm sure a nurse will bring her in soon now that you are awake," Grace assured her. She pulled out her phone, "I should let Rigsby and Cho know."

"Are they here?"

"Of course, we were all worried about you."

That was when Lisbon noticed the cast on Grace's arm. "What happened to you?"

Grace looked down from the phone that was in her good hand and smiled sheepishly. "Oh, I broke my wrist but I'll be fine. I was a lot better off then you." After a few moments her smile faded and she lowered her phone. "Lisbon…Jane is here."

Lisbon sat up, startled by her news. "He came to the hospital?"

Grace nodded and looked down at her hands. "Actually...he donated blood to save her."

Now she was shocked. "Why would he do that?"

Grace shook her head. "I don't know, he didn't really say anything. When they asked if he wanted to see her he said no but…but he—."

"He saved her life," Lisbon finished for her. Grace was quiet for a bit before nodding her head. Lisbon reflected on this for a moment, shocked by this turn of events but from what Grace had said she knew exactly what was going on. She leaned back against the bed, letting it raise so she could sit up. "He didn't do it for him, he did it for me."

"He's still a bastard."

Lisbon didn't say anything but then met Grace's eyes. "I want to see him."

"Why?"

"I need to thank him," Lisbon explained, "no matter what he has said or done or will do…he saved my daughter's life. I should at least thank him."

"He doesn't deserve your thanks."

"Probably not, but I still want to do it."

Grace sat still for a few seconds before nodding her head grudgingly. "All right, I'll go get him."

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Grace didn't agree with Lisbon's decision but she didn't question it, Lisbon was going to do what she had to do even if it meant thanking the man who had basically treated her like slime.

She stopped by the floor nurse that was behind the desk. "Excuse me, Teresa Lisbon is awake and she'd like to see her daughter."

The nurse smiled. "That's wonderful. I'll see what I can do, I'm sure we can bring up her baby here soon."

"Good."

She headed in the direction of the waiting room with slower steps. She wasn't sure if she really wanted to do this. Jane didn't deserve any thanks; he didn't deserve to breathe the same air as Lisbon at this point. But he had immediately stood up and saved the baby…that had been surprising.

She stopped outside the waiting room door for a moment, took a deep breath and walked in.

He was sitting in the exact spot she had left him, he hadn't moved at all. For a moment she stood there and studied him, wondering what he was thinking about. How could a man she used to like suddenly morph into this horrible person? She didn't know, it didn't make sense. She couldn't help but wonder if there was anything that could save him now.

"Jane," she said simply and he finally turned his head to look at her. "Lisbon is awake," she explained. She waited for him to do something, to react to the news but he didn't make a sound. "She wants to see you."

Now Jane finally reacted. "Why?"

Grace just shrugged. "Just come on."

She didn't wait for him but turned around and began walking towards Lisbon's room. She didn't turn around to look at him the whole way there.

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Lisbon was waiting alone in her room, quietly trying to figure out what to say to Jane. She tried to figure out how to reconcile the man who told her to get an abortion and the man who saved her child's life could be one and the same. She could only surmise that Jane couldn't stand for any living child to die…that or there was a small part of him that didn't hate her which was enough for him to want to save her daughter.

In the end it didn't really matter. He'd saved her life, she owed him her thanks. But that was it.

Grace walked back into the room and sat down heavily on the chair beside her bed to her left. A few moments later Jane walked in, his gait was slower and quieter. He looked like hell but she probably didn't look any better. His clothing was rumpled and his shirt was untucked, she couldn't imagine that his appearance had anything to do with her.

He simply stood a few feet from her bed and stared at her, she just stared right back.

Finally she was able to find her voice. "Grace told me what you did…that you donated blood for my daughter." He didn't react at all. "You saved her life."

There was a flicker of something, she didn't know what it was but maybe it was pain or sadness, she didn't know. At least it wasn't anger.

"I…I wanted to thank you," Lisbon stammered out, "thank you for doing that for me."

There was a long awkward silence that stretched between them. Jane looked just as confused as she did though as if…as if he wasn't even sure why he'd done it either. Lisbon wanted to know what he was thinking but she was desperate to avoid having him hurt her once more. "You don't have to stay, we're going to be fine now."

His eyes met hers and he looked slightly hurt. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to speak but then shut it again. She saw the moment he gave up and knew he was going to leave the room and that would be the end of everything.

But before Jane could move Lisbon's eyes were drawn to the doorway where a cheerful and buxom nurse was rolling in the small clear bassinet that currently housed her child. "Look who's ready to meet her mommy," the woman declared lifting the small baby out of the bassinet and holding her out for Lisbon.

She couldn't stop staring at the baby. She was so tiny; everything about her was small to the tiny fingers and toes, her little ears, her little bitty nose. And she was beautiful, so beautiful. Lisbon found herself gasping for air and her heart constricted from the weight of so much love for this precious child.

Lisbon gratefully accepted the baby, holding her safe and secure in her arms. Her daughter blinked open her eyes and looked up at her mother, waving one tiny hand up by her face. She opened her mouth in a small yawn, her little pink tongue peeping out. "Hello," she breathed, her voice heavy with emotion, tears springing to her eyes, "I'm so glad I finally get to meet you."

She smoothed her fine hair, the same dark brown shade as her own and leaned down to kiss her forehead. "She's doing just fine," the nurse told her, "we'll keep an eye on you both but she's a real fighter this one."

Lisbon looked up at the nurse. "Thank you."

The woman just smiled and patted her hand. "I'll leave you alone."

Once the nurse left, Grace leaned over to get a better look at the baby. "She's just so precious," she cooed reaching over to touch the back of her tiny hand.

Lisbon smiled up at her but that faded away when her eyes caught on Jane.

He was standing there, completely dumbfounded, his eyes fixed on the baby. In that moment Lisbon would have traded anything, even her soul for just the chance to know what was going through his mind. He'd said he didn't want to see her…but he didn't seem angry at all.

"Jane…" she whispered but no other words could escape her lips.

He didn't say a word but slowly, reverently began to walk towards her bed. He stood over her for just a moment before kneeling down, his eyes never once leaving the baby. Jane reached over and found one of her small bare feet, so small that the pad of his thumb was almost the same size.

The baby let out a little sigh, her eyes turned away from her mother and looked down towards Jane, the man holding her foot. She waved one hand up and it drew near his face. He caught her little fingers in his, his mouth slightly open as he stared at the child as if…as if he couldn't believe she was here.

"Jane…" Lisbon began again but like before, she didn't know what to say.

She watched as he swallowed heavily, once…twice. His eyes grew heavy with unshed tears and then his whole face crumpled. He finally let go of the baby only to place his arms on the bed and shelter his head in them. There was no mistaking what was happening.

Jane was crying.

Actually…he was sobbing.

Lisbon's eyes were wide as she openly gaped at him, almost forgetting the baby in her arms. She was so shocked to see Jane kneeling by her bed and crying. She looked over to see Grace had an identical expression of shock, neither one of them knew what to make of this.

Jane cried for a long time and he kept repeating something but it was hard for her to understand though, his voice was muffled by the bed and his tears. Finally she understood him.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm so sorry." He repeated it over and over again, so many times that she lost count. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I'm sorry."

Her right hand was lying by her side and suddenly he was holding onto it, his head still bent as he sobbed. Lisbon stared at their joined hands, completely puzzled by what was going on.

After a very long time he finally looked up, even though his red eyes were still wet with tears. "My daughter," he said, his voice was so low and heavy, unlike she'd ever heard from him. "Sh-she's my daughter," he repeated, "a-and she's beautiful."

She thought he was going to fall apart crying again but after a moment he gathered himself together. "I'm sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am. What I said…what I did…I didn't know, I didn't know I could feel this again." Lisbon didn't understand any of this, but she knew he had hurt her so much during the last few months. She pulled her hand away from his.

Now he did start crying again. Covering his face with his splayed hands, his shoulders shaking once more.

Lisbon was still completely dumbfounded; she didn't know what to think about this at all. She looked down at her baby who was oblivious to what was happening, she reached up to grab a lock of her mother's hair, making soft cooing sounds.

Jane pulled himself back together and met Lisbon's eyes once more. "Can I hold her?"

She sucked in a breath but didn't release it. He was asking to hold the baby? The same baby he'd declared numerous times he hadn't wanted…the same baby whose life he'd saved. He'd hated her for months…and now cried over her for what seemed like hours.

Her first thought was to say no, he didn't have that right, not after everything that had happened. But the truth was he had as much of a right as she did, after all, even now she could see parts of him in their child.

"Okay," she said softly, her voice still laced with shock.

She reluctantly handed the baby over to him, placing her in his waiting arms. The baby whimpered a little at the change, letting out one little cry before quieting down again. Lisbon watched as a look of pure wonder came over Jane.

"Hello," he said gently, "you are so beautiful…" he paused and met Lisbon's eyes once more. "I…I don't know her name."

Lisbon stared at him for a few seconds, not sure of anything at the moment but still very much suspicious of him. "Alaina," she finally said, "I named her Alaina."

Jane looked down at the baby and smiled. "Alaina," he repeated, reaching over and setting his thumb in her tiny fist. "That's a good name."

She didn't know what to think of all of this. She had no idea how someone could turn from cold and unfeeling to sobbing and soft in a day. This was the side of Jane she had wanted to see months ago and now that it was here…she couldn't trust it. She also couldn't help but think that it was all much too late.

"Can I have my daughter back?" Lisbon asked, her voice was firm and cold.

Jane looked over towards her; he must have noticed the edge in her voice. He looked reluctant to do anything but then he grew resigned and nodded his head before gently placing Alaina back in her mother's arms.

Lisbon happily took back the child and fluffed her hair gently, holding her close to her heart. But she kept one wary eye on him.

He stood there, looking completely lost for a long time. "Lisbon…" he began but his voice trailed off an he shook his head. "I have so much to say but…but none of it seems to be enough."

She didn't reply, just gently rocked her daughter and kept her suspicious eyes on him.

"We…we have to talk about this," Jane told her, his voice becoming solid again.

Lisbon shook her head. "Not now."

"Then when?"

She looked away, towards Grace who had recovered from her own shock but she didn't hold any answers in her eyes either. "I'm tired, Jane." Lisbon finally told him.

Jane nodded his head, his eyes were sad and his body sagged with defeat. "I'm going to come back…I want to see her again…both of you."

Lisbon didn't say anything but nodded, she couldn't go anywhere and a part of her wanted answers too. Just not now…not when she was still reeling from what happened.

He looked satisfied with that response…but not happy either. His eyes drifted back to the baby and this time they were filled with longing. "I'll see you soon," he told her softly before finally turning around to leave…but not without one last look at her.

Lisbon let out a breath when he was finally gone but she still didn't know what to think at all. Grace was sitting in the chair, staring at the doorway. "What was that?"

She shook her head. "I don't know." She leaned down and kissed the top of Alaina's head, her eyes rooted to the doorway Jane had just left through. It was the truth, she had no idea what had just happened except that it seemed like Jane had changed his mind entirely.

But Lisbon couldn't work up any emotion over that, she'd lost the ability to hope. All she could do was wait and see. All she did know was if this was an apology, she couldn't accept it yet…if ever.

* * *

A/N: I'll admit, I teared up when I wrote the scene where Jane sees Alaina for the first time. I hope you guys did the same.

And here lies Bastard Jane, he was fun while he lasted but he'll never be seen again!

In the next chapter we'll get back to the present where Lisbon has another run in with Josh while Jane still works on figureing out why he was a bastard and how he can prove to Lisbon that he loves their daughter. And in the flashbacks you'll see how Jane went about turning over that new leaf immediately...and the various reactions to his sudden change of heart as well as Bertram finding out the identity of Alaina's father hehehe.

As always, please review!


	8. Glue the Pieces Back Together

Disclaimer: I don't own the Mentalist or the song "Goodnight My Angel" that belongs to the talented Billy Joel

A/N: All right guys, I was a bit upset by the response the last chapter got. A lot of people loved it but I also got more than a few complaints about Jane not "showing he cares" for Lisbon. That upset me because I'd already addressed this issue in chapter 5. I get the impression that people aren't reading my chapters carefully and I even considered shortening the lengths because I'm worried people are skimming and not reading. Friends on twitter intervened before I jumped off the ledge but I urge you guys to please read every scene, they are all important.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Guest**: erm...thanks I guess. But if you've read my A/Ns you'd know that I've very VERY close to finishing Lavinia and I have every intention of finishing TBM and Hope as well.

**Sabrina:**Awww now that's the reaction I wanted to read hehehe.

**cricridb:** Thank you very much, especially for mentioning the length of my chapters. This fic is a journey, not a sprint, you'll see them get together slowly. It's going to take time for Lisbon to forgive Jane but she will eventually. LOL this fic has Jisbon for a reason...but Josh will be around for a little while.

**Mia:** Thank you but I wasn't upset with "bashing" but more from the idea that it seemed like people were not actually reading the story carefully when they repeat questions I've already answered clearly in the story.

**Chris:** Thank you for your kind words, thank you for being specific in your review, that is ALWAYS appreciated.

**CB:** Sorry about that, it was a reaction to all of the questions and I was so upset over it all. Thank you for supporting me and I'll miss jackass Jane too LOL

**Cappy:** Thanks for the suggestion but I've kind of already started that...and yes she will be wondering over Jane's affections if they are simply for Alaina or not.

**Guest**: Thank you, I won't let this story go and I appreciate you taking the time to review

**Guest:** Thank you so much! It is true that some people might just be impatient but it is a journey that I'm putting them through, I am glad people are invested in this fic so much

**Ana:** Muchas gracias. Voy a seguir para mantener a estos personajes en suspenso y espero que continuarán disfrutando de este fic.

**Sudo:** *sigh* like I've said several times Jane does have feelings for Lisbon but he is repressing them from her. I urge you to go back and reread chapter 5 where he clearly states to Sophie that he is "in love" with Lisbon but he will not show it because he does not believe he deserves her after everything he has done.

**LAurore:** Thanks so much! Grace is being difficult and even Lisbon is going to have enough of it soon, you'll see. I think you'll enjoy some of the scenes in this chapter though.

**Leprechano84**: Awww this was the reaction I was hoping for, thanks for reading!

**Guest: ** THanks! I hope the scene with Bertram lives up to your expectations

**Jessica**: Awww yay, thanks for your review!

**Hal:** The scene with Jane seeing Alaina is my favorite. I loved writing it, his reaction upon seeing her. The moment where he asked about her name was to show the gravity of it, he honestly had no idea because he'd hadn't been involved at all. He didn't even know his daughter's name. You are going to see Jane sticking around after Alaina's birth, and yes it will be interesting. I'm going to miss Bastard Jane too!

**lousithelibrarian:** I have to admit, your review was one that upset me the most. Not only did you repeat the question of Jane's feelings for Lisbon, (again I urge you to read chapter 5 again) but you also mentioned the idea of Lisbon feeling self conscious about her weight. This was particularly upsetting to me since I had a whole chapter dedicated to this idea, (Chapter 4) and in that very chapter Jane did comfort and make her feel better about her new body image. I don't know if you skipped that chapter or just skimmed it or what but it is upsetting.

**Misfit1-3:** Thanks so much, I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.

* * *

Chapter 8: Glue the Pieces Back Together

Jane was quiet as the memories of the moment he first laid eyes on Alaina danced before him. He remembered standing there completely stunned as the nurse handed Lisbon their daughter. He remembered kneeling there, feeling her soft fresh skin, wondering at this pure new life that was completely innocent. He remembered the overwhelming feeling of love, joy, pain and regret, all washing over him at once and the only thing he could do was cry.

He'd cried for a lot of reasons. For the family he'd loved and lost, for the woman before him who he'd destroyed and for the man that had done the hurting. Mostly he'd cried because he knew in that moment what true grace really was, a newborn baby filled with life, hope and a second chance.

"That sounds like a very overwhelming experience," Sophie said, breaking the silence between them.

"It was indescribable," Jane replied, "Almost losing them both and then seeing Alaina…" he stopped as the emotions crashed on him again. It took everything he could not to cry once more. "I had no idea that would happen."

Sophie studied him quietly. "Tell me about it. When you saw Alaina for the first time."

He looked up and met her eyes, a bit taken back by the request. Jane sighed and gathered himself. "I wasn't supposed to be there. I never once thought I would see her, I'd had plans to avoid ever seeing the baby."

"But that didn't work out."

"No, thank goodness," Jane agreed. "She wanted to thank me for what I did, donating blood for Alaina."

"And saving her life," Sophie pointed out.

Jane shook his head. "What else was I supposed to do? I couldn't just sit there and let an innocent baby die."

"Even though you had asked her to kill the child months before."

"If you are looking for an explanation for why I said that or why I did those things…I don't know," Jane reminded her, "I want to know but I…I don't."

"You said you didn't care about the child, but that changed when she was born."

He nodded. "Suddenly she was there. I was just standing in the room when they brought her in…I couldn't stop staring at her. They handed her to her mother and it was just…the two of them. Teresa was holding our daughter; it was like something out of a dream.

"I had to get closer, had to make sure it was all real. I touched her, her foot; it was just so tiny and perfect. Then she looked at me…and I was lost."

Sophie smiled softly now. "That's all it took, one look?"

"You think that more was necessary?"

She shook her head. "No."

Jane sighed again. "I fell apart after that, I couldn't help it. Suddenly I saw everything that I had done; it was like someone took blinders off of my eyes. I knew I'd made so many mistakes, that I'd hurt her more than even I had thought possible."

"What did you do with that knowledge?"

"I told her I was sorry…but that wasn't enough."

"I suppose not."

He shook his head. "I could see it, in the way she looked at me, she didn't trust anything I said. I couldn't blame her, not after everything I did. I had done nothing to prove myself; I had given her no reason to trust my word. But it hurt to have her take my daughter away…to want me to go."

"What did you do?"

"What she wanted," Jane explained, "I left, but I promised her that I would be back."

"You kept that promise."

"Of course."

Sophie tilted her head and gave him a gentle look. "What did you do until then? After you saw your daughter for the first time?"

Jane was quiet for a moment as he recalled that chaotic night. His mind had been whirling with everything that had happened and for once, he hadn't been thinking straight at all. He'd done things without a thought, probably because all he could think about was the child he once had, the child he had now and the sins he'd committed in between.

"I got into my car and I drove," Jane explained simply, "I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised where I ended up."

"And that was?"

"My family's graves."

* * *

_For once memory failed him. He couldn't recall anything about the journey from Sacramento to Malibu except the destination. The cemetery he hated visiting and had seen far too often in the more recent years of his exile. Jane had no idea why he'd come here, but here he was so obviously some part of him had a reason for this._

_ He made his way towards the graves with the same heaviness that always overcame him whenever he thought about what he'd had and lost. But this time he knew there was more to it, this wasn't just about what once was but what he had now. He stopped in front of the headstones, at the base of the graves; all he could do was look at the names on those markers._

_ Jane knelt down onto the ground and began to weep once more._

_ He didn't know how long he let himself go, to feel everything that he denied himself. Finally he looked up towards Angela's grave. "I'm a fool. I was a fool then and I'm a fool now. I learned nothing, not when I still don't know how to appreciate what I have."_

_ He let out a ragged breath and looked towards the starlit sky. "You would be so disappointed in me, after what I've done, I don't deserve any of this. I said it was a mistake but I was wrong, so wrong."_

_ "It wasn't supposed to be like this," Jane explained, letting some of that frustration out, "I wasn't supposed to care about them, my only family was supposed to be you, not them, not…her._

_ "She is like some mythical creature that won't let me go, I tried so hard to not love her but I was in the middle of it before I even knew it had happened. It was too late…it _is _much too late."_

_ "I messed up," he admitted softly, "I ruined everything. My plans, my goals…my relationship with her. Everything. I never should have said those things…there was never any truth to them. I know that now."_

_ He smiled now a little. "I'd say I'm sorry for what I have but I know you'd be the first person to congratulate me. You'd have wanted this…you had the best heart of anyone I've ever known. There's no doubt in my mind."_

_ Jane looked down at the ground, idly picking at a blade of grass. "She's beautiful. Both of them are. Alaina looks like her mother, that can only be a good thing. I can only hope she takes after her in other respects as well."_

_ He turned his attention back to his wife's headstone. "I love her I should have known that months ago but I know it now. I love my daughter…and I'm not ashamed of that._

_ "I have to let things go, I have to let myself accept this gift for what it is. I can't hold on to the dead when there is something far more important now. I won't give up on finding him…but it can't be just for you now."_

_ Jane stood up and wiped the tears from his cheeks. "I love you, I will _always_ love you and nothing will change that. But I can't love _just_ you anymore…I have to give some of it away. Because they are my family now…and they have to come first."_

_ "I'm going to fix it," Jane vowed softly, "I have no idea how. I've destroyed her trust by being a complete fool but I'll find a way to get it back. I have to…because I have to be with them just as much as I have to love them."_

_ He took a step away. "I don't know when…_if_ I'll be back. Alaina and her mother…they have to come first now. But I won't forget, that's impossible. And I know you'd prefer it this way…so do I."_

_ Jane quietly walked away and headed back to his car. This time he knew exactly where he was going and what he was doing._

_ He had to start fixing things now._

* * *

Lisbon wasn't entirely sure how she felt about her next appointment. She was a little excited over it but also nervous, that wasn't too surprising considering who was involved. This wasn't going to be easy, not after everything that had happened. She only hoped that she could handle all of this if things took a turn for the worst.

She gathered up the diaper bag and her purse, digging for her keys as she stepped out of her office. As Lisbon made her way past the bullpen, Grace spotted her. "Hey, boss. Did you want to go to Salerno's for lunch?"

"I'm sorry, Grace," Lisbon told her honestly. Rigsby and Cho were busy at their desks and God knew where Jane was. "I can't…I have other plans."

Her eyes sparkled. "A date?"

Now Lisbon laughed and shook her head. "No. Actually I'm having lunch with Minelli."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Yeah, he was in Hawaii when Alaina was born and he just got back last week. He really wants to meet her so I'm going to go pick her up from daycare and we'll have a nice lunch somewhere."

"That sounds like fun."

"Uh huh," Lisbon said shuffling her bag on her shoulder, "Yeah, I'm sure it will be."

But Cho was the smart one; he looked up from his work and kept his gaze on her. "How much does Minelli know?"

"Well he knows that I have a daughter."

"And about Jane?"

She glanced at the elevator. "Look, I have to go or I'll be late. I'll see you guys when I get back." Lisbon quickly headed down the hallway, not looking back at them once.

Her team watched her go, a little surprised by her quick exit.

"She didn't tell Minelli that Jane is Alaina's father did she?" Rigsby stated the obvious.

"No," Cho replied.

"What do you think is going to happen?"

"Don't know," Cho said, standing up from his desk, "But it's going to be fun to watch."

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Lisbon was even more nervous now that she was sitting down at the table in the restaurant. She drew comfort from Alaina who was sitting happily on her lap, sucking on her pacifier and entirely captivated by the window to her left. She leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "You are going to meet a very nice man that Mommy loves very much, he's going to love you too."

Alaina let out a small coo and pointed out towards the window at a bird that had hopped onto the ledge. Lisbon smiled and nuzzled the top of her head. "I'm not nervous about you, baby girl. _I'm_ the one who could be in trouble here."

She didn't have time to worry for much longer. Finally she looked up to see the hostess pointing Virgil Minelli towards the table she was sitting at. He grinned as soon as their eyes met and she quickly stood up, keeping Alaina clutched against her with one arm she gave Minelli and quick hug. "Hey, it's so great to see you."

"It's wonderful," Minelli clarified and pulled back to look at the baby in her arms. "I assume this is her."

Lisbon nodded proudly. "Hey, Alaina, I want you to meet your Grandpa Virgil." She saw the older man's eyes soften at the title and that made her heart swell. If anyone in her life deserved to be called her child's grandfather it was this man, even if there was no real familial blood between them. "Would you like to hold her?"

"If that's all right."

"It's perfect," Lisbon said, carefully handing Alaina over to Minelli.

He held the baby carefully in his arms while taking a seat, turning her so that she faced him. Alaina looked up at him and smiled, reaching up to bat at his chest with her little hands. "She's not shy is she?"

Lisbon laughed lightly and shook her head. "No, she hasn't met a stranger yet."

Alaina let out another chorus of coos, still fascinated by the man holding her. For a few minutes the two adults let themselves be wrapped up in this beautiful child. The waiter came and took their orders, leaving them with some ice water and a small basket of warm rolls that were very tempting but Lisbon was determined to resist.

"How are you doing?" Minelli asked, still keeping Alaina in his lap.

"I'm great," Lisbon replied honestly. "I'm tired obviously, babies don't foster much sleep. But I'm so happy right now, I love being a mom."

"I'm happy for you," he told her firmly, "You know that."

"Of course I do."

"I hated hearing about the accident."

She shook her head. "It was better that you weren't here. That was not a good day and it was a rough few weeks afterwards. But things are better now, Alaina and I are stronger from it."

"How's your team?"

Lisbon kept her smile on her lips, even though her heart raced. "They're fine. Grace has been an amazing friend throughout all of this and Cho and Rigsby are as steadfast as ever."

"And Jane?"

She tried to hide her faltering smile now. "Jane's the same, always getting into trouble, driving me crazy. Nothing unusual there." She quickly took a sip of water to hide her nerves.

"Teresa…I know Jane is Alaina's father."

Lisbon choked on her water, coughing and sputtering for a few moments as she tried to clear her airway. Apparently Mommy choking was hilarious because Alaina let out a small laugh. She coughed a few more times and managed to get her bearings again, Alaina was still giggling. "Thanks, I know, Mommy choking is funny."

She took another sip of the offending water to steady herself. "Who told you?"

"Does it really matter?" Minelli asked, "but if you really want to know, it was the State's Attorney General."

"What?"

Minelli nodded. "We were fishing and he thought I would be interested to know about it."

"How does he know?"

"Everyone knows, the district attorney won five hundred bucks in the pool."

"Oh God," Lisbon groaned and rested her forehead against the table to hide her burning face and her shame.

"You had to have known people were talking about it."

"I had no idea that people as high up as the governor knew I'd been a complete idiot."

Alaina began to fuss a little so Lisbon reached over and put her daughter back into her lap while rummaging around in the diaper bag for her bottle. "What the hell happened, Teresa?"

Lisbon didn't say anything, still looking for the bottle. Finally her hands wrapped around the object and she pulled it out. She took off the cover before guiding it to Alaina's lips so she could eat. For once her daughter didn't put up a fuss and started feeding. Now she met Minelli's eyes. "It was once, that was it, I swear."

"Once?"

She sighed, completely embarrassed that she was having to explain all of this. "Yes, once. It was stupid, he was drunk, I made a reckless decision that we both decided we would forget about. That lasted about three weeks and then the test came back positive."

"Clearly," Minelli said, gesturing to the baby in her lap.

Neither one of them said anything as Lisbon focused on feeding Alaina and then the waiter arrived with their entrees. Lisbon took a few fork full's of her salad with one hand as she kept her other holding Alaina's bottle. Apparently she'd gotten the multi-tasking ability of new mother's down pat.

Still she wasn't really tasting her food at this point, she wasn't even that hungry anymore now that her stupid choices were now on display. "Things are okay," she told him, "Nothing is affecting our jobs, Jane made sure of that."

"You told me the father wasn't involved."

Lisbon dropped her fork. Oh crap, she had said that. Months ago when they had met for lunch just like this. He's smiled at her rounding stomach and asked her polite questions but then she'd had something of a mini-breakdown and admitted that she was all alone.

She hadn't told him who the father was…he was never supposed to find out.

She looked away from him; she couldn't meet his eyes now.

"You said that he left you alone, are you going to tell me that you lied?"

"No," Lisbon said softly, brushing away one tear that fell from her eye. "I didn't lie to you."

"You said that when you told him you were pregnant you both, 'wanted different things'. What does that mean?"

She still did not look at him, glancing down at Alaina who was still enjoying her own meal. Silence was answer enough though as Minelli put two and two together.

"Oh my God."

Now Lisbon met his eyes to see a mixture of horror, shock and disgust. But she didn't look away now, instead she nodded her head. "It wasn't a good time."

"He told you to get rid of it?"

"I made my own choices," Lisbon replied firmly, "it didn't matter what he wanted at the time." Alaina finished feeding then and Lisbon picked her up to burp her. Now that she was fed and happy she cooed once more, tangling her little fingers in her mother's hair.

"And afterwards? I've heard crazy things about your team. That they were barely talking to him."

She nodded. "When they all found out…they didn't take it any better than you."

"What did he do?"

"Nothing," Lisbon told him quickly, "Jane sulked and pouted for nine months, refusing to talk about it or discuss it. He said he wanted nothing to do with the baby…and that's what he did."

"I'm going to kill him."

Lisbon sighed. "He changed his mind, Virgil."

"What?"

"When Alaina was born. He changed his mind, he saw her and realized what a complete idiot he was and now he's trying to prove to me that he is serious about being a father to our daughter."

"You're kidding."

"No,' Lisbon explained urgently, "he's a completely different person now. All he talks about is Alaina, he can't seem to get enough of her and when he comes over…" she smiled softly, "It's sweet."

"So that's it? He suddenly changes his mind and you forget everything he did to you?"

"No, of course not," she told him quickly, "I haven't forgiven him for what he did, not even close. He can only come and see Alaina when I give him permission to, that's it."

"And he's fine with that."

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "No, but he doesn't have much a choice now does he? He can't just magically make me forget everything he did and I can't trust him by any means."

"But you are letting him see her."

She set her glass of water down with a heavy thud. "I'm getting so sick of everyone questioning my decision. Can't people realize that Alaina is _my_ daughter and if I want to actually do the right thing and have her father be in her life then maybe that is _my_ choice? Isn't that what all the books say? A child should have a mother _and_ a father? Why can't people understand that I'm trying to put Alaina first?!"

Alaina began to fuss at her mother's raised voice and Lisbon leaned down to gently console her. "I'm sorry, baby. Mommy didn't mean to upset you."

She met Minelli's eyes who at least looked a little shamed. "I know it isn't my place to question your decisions but…but are you really sure you can trust Jane?"

"No," Lisbon admitted, "but I'm giving him the chance to prove I can."

"Even after he treated you terribly?"

"Alaina is more important than that," Lisbon explained, "and he's done things to try and prove it."

Minelli was quiet for a long moment and she saw the anger still simmering in his eyes. "I'm still going to kill him."

She knew then that it was going to be very difficult to persuade him otherwise.

* * *

_Jane knew that no amount of gifts or apologies was ever going to make right what he had done for the past few months. He'd already spent the whole night and most of the day remembering every harsh word, every disdainful look he'd directed towards her. Fear and ignorance weren't an excuse but the truth was he'd simply had no idea that he was even capable of loving another child._

_ He'd been wrong. Just one look, one moment of seeing, hearing and touching that innocent child and he'd fallen in love again. It was like his wounded soul had been repaired so much so that he couldn't even see the scars. In some ways, Jane felt better than he had in a decade, in other ways…he felt worse. He'd hurt the one person who mattered to him badly all because she was having his child, there was no excuse and he wasn't willing to provide one._

_ But he also knew that he wasn't going to get to be a father to Alaina if he didn't start now. He didn't deserve this, not in the least, but he wasn't going to turn it down again. He was going to try doing the right thing this time._

_ He started with fulfilling his promise to Lisbon, after picking up a couple of gifts (or rather gestures of shame). He made his way to her room purposefully not telling her when he would come, he didn't want her to tell him no which he knew she probably would. But he did do the courtesy of knocking before he entered._

_ Lisbon was alone in her room, sitting up in her bed with the baby in her arms…and she was breastfeeding. Perhaps he should have called after all._

_ She blushed a lovely shade of crimson before pulling the blanket up so it partially concealed what she was doing. Jane simply smiled at her, "No need for modesty, I've seen more than that."_

_ She wasn't amused by his little joke, instead giving him a very annoyed look. Similar to the ones she normally gave him when she was frustrated, except this time there wasn't a hint of warmth in her eyes. Lisbon adjusted the pillow behind her back and kept a good grip on the baby. "I didn't think you would come by," she told him honestly._

_ "I said I would."_

_ "You've said a lot of things." The edge in her voice made it clear that she wasn't talking about his sense of humor._

_ Jane felt that shame and looked down, suddenly remembering the flowers in his hand. "These are for you," he told her, feeling very much like the awkward teenager apologizing to his girlfriend for forgetting her birthday._

_ Lisbon raised an eyebrow at the gift. "Flowers?"_

_ "Aren't they the traditional gift a man gives to the woman who has just had his child?"_

_ "Really? Even after said man spent the entire pregnancy bitterly ignoring her?"_

_ He felt the sting of that rebuke but he bore it, he deserved a whole lot more than her biting tongue. Jane set the flowers down on the table beside her but she barely looked at them, she kept her gaze focused on Alaina who was still sucking on her mother's breast. It was a lovely sight and Jane was content to just sit down and enjoy it for a short while._

_ The silence stretched between them, she wouldn't look at him and he was desperately reaching for a way to explain how truly repentant he was. "You know flowers and their colors have specific meanings." Lisbon ignored him but he knew she was listening, "the combinations in bouquets are symbolic, more so than the simple message written on the card."_

_ Now Lisbon turned her head and gave him a small scowl. "This is the part where you tell me what those flowers mean and I'm supposed to be impressed right?"_

_ "No, I know you wouldn't be impressed by anything except my ability to put my foot in my mouth."_

_ There was a slight softening at the corners of her mouth; her only tell that a small part of her was at all amused by what he said. Lisbon turned her attention back to the baby for a long minute as she debated over how much she wanted to ignore him and how much she wanted to know what those flowers meant. He knew she would fold. "All right fine, what do they mean?"_

_ He couldn't help but smile, she'd fallen into that trap easily enough. "The daffodils represent respect. White chrysanthemums are for sincerity and purple hyacinth is for sorrow and regret."_

_ Lisbon nodded her head stiffly. "I guess roses were just too boring for you."_

_ "Roses are overused and require no thought," Jane pointed out. She glanced briefly at him and then the flowers but always returned back to the infant in her arms. He knew she wasn't impressed by the gesture, she preferred simple things. But sometimes it was so much easier to do the grand theatrical gesture._

_ Jane took in a deep breath and let it out. "I'm sorry, Lisbon."_

_ He saw her eyes flick towards him for an instant. "You said that already."_

_ "It cannot be said enough." He noticed that she didn't disagree with him. Well, in for the penny, in for the pound. "I'm sorry for the way I treated you during your pregnancy. You deserved a lot better than that."_

_ "A flea bitten dog deserves better than that," she muttered under her breath but it was loud enough for him to hear._

_ Jane ignored her comment. "I'm sorry that I told you to get an abortion because…because that was my greatest sin. I didn't just dishonor you but I dishonored her," he gestured to the child in her arms. "I never should have said those things. All I can do is ask for forgiveness."_

_ She finally looked up and held his gaze for a while. Then she slowly shook her head. "No. I can't forgive you."_

_ He released the breath he'd been holding; he'd expected that answer. "I understand."_

_ "No you do not," she told him firmly. "No one in my entire life has ever hurt me the way you did. You made me feel guilty for breathing. I thought you hated me…hated me because I wouldn't kill the child you helped create. I don't want your apologies, Jane, I just want to know why."_

_ He was quiet as he tried to explain to her what he didn't fully understand himself. "I was scared."_

_ She scoffed at him. "So are most men, Jane."_

_ "Yes," he agreed, "but I…I was afraid of having something again, something to lose. I've lived the past decade of my life, if you want to call it living, by holding onto nothing." Jane thought it for a moment and added one concession. "Except you."_

_ Lisbon looked back at him, a little surprised by his words._

_ "But I could control things with you," he explained, "I…I could keep you at a distance but I couldn't do that for a child and I…I wasn't sure if there was any way I could let myself be that vulnerable again." He hesitated for a moment. "But now I know I can."_

_ She shook her head. "I can't accept that."_

_ "I'm not asking you to," he told her, "but you wanted me to explain and that's what I did."_

_ "It's not enough," Lisbon replied._

_ Alaina had been content to ignore the heavy discussion and enjoy her meal. But she finally decided she was full and pulled away from her mother's breast. Lisbon lifted her up to her shoulder to burp her and Jane could tell she wasn't entirely comfortable with the task. She would learn, he knew that with absolute certainty._

_ The baby wriggled her bare feet, flexing her tiny toes. Jane couldn't help but catch one soft foot in his palm, running the pad of his thumb over the fresh new skin. "She's perfect," he breathed, not taking his eyes off the child._

_ Lisbon eyed him warily but nodded her head in agreement; the first time she agreed with him on anything now. Jane grinned at her and leaned down to kiss Alaina's little foot, remembering another gesture he'd brought with him._

_ "I got her something," he explained reaching into his pocket to pull out the gift. A little pair of white socks, they were simple with a small white ruffle and a pink embroidered 'A' on the side. They weren't much but they were personal, more personal than a stuffed bear or a rattle._

_ Lisbon reached over and lightly fingered one. "They're cute," she said, her voice was softer this time._

_ Jane took that as acceptance so he sweetly tucked Alaina's tiny feet into the socks, keeping a hand wrapped around her ankle when he was done. "I want this," Jane told her, "I want her."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because she's my daughter."_

_ "That was true a week ago and you wanted nothing to do with her then," Lisbon reminded him._

_ "That was different, I was different."_

_ She shook her head. "I don't know that. All I know is that you told me you didn't want her and now you've changed your mind. You can't just try her out to see if you can handle this."_

_ "I _know_ I can," Jane corrected her._

_ "I don't. You can say what you want but the truth is this…I don't trust you. How can I?" She kept Alaina clutched close to her. "I can't trust you to be there when I need you and I definitely cannot trust you with my daughter."_

_ Jane looked up at her desperately. "Lisbon, you have to let me see her."_

_ "I don't have to do anything."_

_ In that moment Jane saw the truth in her statement. He'd abused her worse than anything in this world; he'd told her repeatedly that he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. He'd destroyed that relationship they'd had and possibly any future he could have with his child. He couldn't tell her what to do and he couldn't just take his child from her. For once she had all of the power over him…and he was in no place to question her._

_ "You're right," he said softly, pulling back from her. "You don't trust me and for good reasons. You have to do what is best for Alaina, and you have to trust your own judgment, even if that means keeping her from me."_

_ Now he leaned forward with an earnest look. "So all I can do is ask. Please, Lisbon."_

_ "This is you asking?"_

_ "No, this is me groveling," he corrected her and then went in for the simple truth. "Please let me see my daughter."_

_ Lisbon stared at him for a long time, sometimes looking down at her child and other times looking away to stare at the wall. He knew she was wrestling with her desire to have nothing to do with him and her own wish that he would be the father she'd wanted him to be in the beginning. The only thing he didn't know was if he was asking too late._

_ Finally she met his eyes again. "I have to think about it."_

_ Jane couldn't hide his disappointment but decided to settle for the fact that it was better than a 'no'. "All right, I understand." He also knew that this was her dismissing him. He didn't want to go but knew better than to push his luck. "I'll see you later," he promised again._

_ Lisbon just nodded her head, she still didn't believe him and the truth was…she had no reason to._

_ Well he would just have to change her mind…but that was going to take time._

_ He would respect her wishes and leave, but not without one last thing. Jane leaned over her and saw Lisbon look completely shocked. But before she could ask him what he was doing, he bent down and kissed the top of Alaina's head, breathing in her scent. "I'll see you soon, sweetheart," he whispered to his daughter._

_ He didn't pull back completely but instead locked his gaze with Lisbon, their faces scant inches apart. "I meant what I said," he told her, "every word."_

_ She didn't say a word but seemed to be holding her breath. Jane hid a smug smile, well she might hate him and rightfully so…but he could still stun her when he wanted to. He ended the moment by standing up and walking towards the door._

_ He stopped in the doorway to looked at her one last time. She was still sitting there, clutching Alaina and staring at him. He gave her a smile before walking away, leaving his heart with her._

* * *

Jane was enjoying the comforting sound of the busy bullpen; a mid afternoon nap might not be such a bad idea. But he was curious as to why the team kept glancing over at him every now and then. They were waiting for something; he just had no idea what it could possibly be.

The answer came to him quickly enough when Lisbon came quickly to the bullpen from her lunch break…with Alaina in her arms. He was excited to see his daughter and stood up immediately to go and see her. "Hey," he said happily.

He was so focused on Alaina it did take him a moment to see Minelli just a few steps behind Lisbon…and he looked more furious then Jane had ever seen him. "Oh my, this isn't good." He looked down into Lisbon's eyes and he saw she was a little flustered and embarrassed, like a teenage girl introducing her boyfriend to her over protective father. A very good analogy in this situation.

"May I take, Alaina?" Jane asked, figuring that Minelli was less likely to hurt him if he had the baby in his arms.

"Yeah, sure," Lisbon replied immediately handing him their daughter.

Jane noted the fact that she didn't hesitate. "This must be really bad then."

Minelli finally caught up and wasted no time in getting in his face. "I always knew you were a son of a bitch but I never thought you were a complete moron until now."

"Well that's good to know."

The rest of the team was clearly riveted by the floorshow, now Jane knew why Cho had a bag of chips in his hands. Obviously they knew Lisbon would be seeing Virgil that day…and now Virgil was all caught up on what had happened the past few months.

"How could you do something like this? To her?"

"Virgil," Lisbon said softly, "I'm a grown woman, I don't need you defending my honor."

"It's all right," Jane cut in, "you can't fault him, he sees you as his daughter and I certainly did not treat you well. It's only natural that he reacts this way."

"You are not helping this situation," Lisbon muttered under her breath, making Jane smile.

"If I were her father I'd have shot you by now," Minelli pointed out with gritted teeth.

Jane wasn't at all surprised by that response, the fact that he didn't cower in fear because of it was probably what made Minelli even more ticked of. "I am grateful that you have restrained yourself at least."

"You haven't even begun to see me unleashed."

That perked Jane up a bit and made Lisbon wince. "Perhaps we should take this elsewhere then," Jane suggested, mostly to get away from prying eyes. It wasn't so much the rest of the team but rather crowd that was quickly forming in the hallway.

Lisbon and Virgil noticed it too and she quickly came up with a solution. "My office, use my office, just don't break anything in there."

That made Jane smile but he leaned in to whisper in her ear. "I'm keeping the baby with me."

"That might be a good idea," she whispered back. Lisbon stayed where she was, knowing that this was a discussion that needed to be just between the two men…and the baby.

Jane kept Alaina close to his chest as he followed Minelli into the office. The baby didn't seem to notice the tension in the room at all, just calmly sucked on her hand while resting her head against his chest. She'd probably go to sleep in a moment if she was given the chance.

"All right, Virgil," Jane said once they were alone. "Say your peace."

Minelli stared at him for a moment as if trying to figure out what exactly to do with him. "I honestly don't know what to say. What words can describe what a complete ass you have been?"

"You seem to be handling the words part well enough."

"Oh, I have only just begun." Minelli began to pace now, venting his frustrations with his heavy strides. "You've done a lot of truly terrible things over the years. You don't think I've paid attention? I have! I'm talking fake deaths, disappearing for months, burying people alive…but I actually expect that from you. You do all of those stupid things for a reason and I thought that you had at least some moral ground that even you wouldn't cross. I thought there was a line, _she_ was that line. That you would never deliberately hurt her. Tell me I'm wrong."

"You're right," Jane told him calmly. "She was never supposed to be hurt."

"But you did hurt her."

Jane swallowed heavily. "Yes…I did."

"That's all you have to say?"

"What more can be said?" Jane asked honestly.

"How about an explanation?" Minelli replied.

"I don't have one."

Minelli gaped at him for a long moment. He simply couldn't accept or believe that Jane had no reason for acting like a complete jackass for nine months. "You slept with her, you told her to get an abortion and then you abandon her…and you can't tell me why."

"No."

"So what? You changed your mind once, why not change it back?"

"That's not going to happen," Jane assured him.

"How is anyone supposed to believe that?"

"Because it's true."

"How do I know that? How does _she_ know that?" Minelli said, his voice getting louder.

"She doesn't," Jane replied softly, "but I'm doing everything I can to prove it to her."

"Well all right then," Minelli replied sardonically, "that's just makes everything better. That's how it is with you, it doesn't matter _what_ you did as long as you fix it in the end right?"

"No…that's not…"

"That's _exactly_ how it has been since you walked through those doors. The ends justifies the means and we've all put up with it because you're damn good at making it work but not when it means treating Teresa like she is worthless." Minelli gave him a long hard look. "The truth is that you are the one who is worthless, not unless you can prove that you deserve what you were so ready to throw away."

The words were hard to hear, especially since they were the truth. They were also said loudly with anger and outrage…which was not something Alaina particularly liked to disturb her.

Alaina let out a sharp cry and began to fuss and whimper, her face scrunching up as she released her tears. Jane quickly pulled her close to him, bouncing her in his arms gently. "Shhh, shhh, sweetheart. It's okay."

But Alaina wasn't so quickly reassured. She continued to cry, burying her face into her father's neck. "Daddy will make it better," Jane told her gently. He moved to take a seat on the white couch so he could better position Alaina on his lap. "Everything is okay, Alaina, just calm down. Shhhh."

She finally began to calm down, hiccupping a couple of times, tears still peeping out of her eyes. "Is she okay?" Minelli asked.

Jane nodded. "She's fine, just tired and fussy, that's all." He leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

He turned his head to see that Minelli was watching him…and not nearly as angry as he once was. "You really do love her don't you?"

"More than life itself," Jane replied simply, resting his cheek on her head.

"Does Teresa believe that?"

"She's starting to," he said, "I know none of it will every make up for what I did. But this isn't about fixing the past…it's about making sure I don't repeat the same mistakes in the future. I'm not going to turn my back on my child, never again…and I won't hurt Teresa. I promise you that."

Minelli pursed his lips and nodded his head, that was as close to as an acceptance as he was ever going to give. "I'll keep you to it." He gave Jane a pointed look, "I might not be as young as I used to be…but I can still shoot straight."

"I'll keep that in mind." Jane smiled; he remained on the couch as Virgil finally quit the office, probably to have a chat with Lisbon before he left.

Jane turned his attention back to baby in his arms. "Daddy is going to keep that promise…or your grandpa will keep _his_."

* * *

_Grace had considered taking a the next day off after being in an accident, she was entitled to medical leave but she'd only broken her wrist and she really had no idea what else to do with her time. So she'd come in, broken wrist and all, and started working on the pile of reports she hadn't been able to finish yesterday._

_ She was still working when Rigsby came in and spotted her. "Hey, what are you doing here?"_

_ "This is my desk," she reminded him, smiling a little._

_ "I know but shouldn't you be at home?"_

_ "What could I do here that I can't do here? I can write reports one-handed."_

_ Rigsby simply shrugged. "All right then."_

_ She was happy to get back to work but it wasn't long until Cho came into the bullpen looking a bit more serious than usual. Rigsby noticed him. "Not up here huh?"_

_ "No, he's not in his attic or on the roof," Cho replied sternly, "and he's still not answering his phone."_

_ "What's going on?" Grace asked._

_ "I'm trying to find out where the hell Jane is."_

_ She bristled at the name. "I'm sure he's fine."_

_ "I don't like not knowing what he is doing."_

_ Rigsby gave a small bark of laughter. "You didn't worry before."_

_ "That's because Lisbon was in charge, and until she's back, when he screws up it's going to be on me."_

_ Well they couldn't argue with that. Lisbon always said she hated not knowing where Jane was mostly because she didn't know what trouble he could be getting into. She always seemed to have a handle on him…most of the time._

_ Rigsby stood up, realizing that this was pretty serious. "We know he left the hospital after they told us Lisbon was okay."_

_ "God knows what he did after that."_

_ Grace was looking away, feeling very self-conscious since she knew a bit more than they did on what had happened the previous night with Jane. Apparently it was obvious on her face because when she looked up, both Cho and Rigsby were staring at her. "What happened?" Cho asked point blank._

_ She sighed. "Jane went to Lisbon's room last night."_

_ "And?"_

_ "Well she wanted to thank him for what he did for the baby…and he was there when they brought the baby in."_

_ That surprised them both; they exchanged looks but remained quiet for a bit. The significance of this was not lost on anyone. Jane had spent months avoiding this child…and now he'd seen it._

_ "What did he do?" Rigsby finally asked._

_ Grace shook her head. "He just kind of stood there stunned then he…he started crying."_

_ "Crying?"_

_ She nodded. "He cried for a while and kept saying that he was sorry, over and over again."_

_ Now there was stunned silence as they let it sink in. Cho and Rigsby were trying to picture it while Grace had the luxury of just remembering the event. Finally Cho met her eyes again. "Is that all?"_

_ "He held her, he told Lisbon he was going to come back and see them."_

_ That raised a few eyebrows. "What does Lisbon think of this?" Rigsby asked._

_ "She doesn't know what to think, she's confused. I mean how do you explain it?"_

_ Cho shrugged. "He changed his mind."_

_ Rigsby looked askance. "He can do that?"_

_ "I don't know," Grace replied, "but it doesn't matter. He doesn't have any right to be in her life."_

_ "It's his kid," Cho pointed out._

_ "So what? It's too late."_

_ Rigsby didn't like being caught up in this. "He's the father…"_

_ "He said he didn't want to be."_

_ "Well if he says…"_

_ "I don't think he has any right."_

_ "It doesn't matter what you think," Cho said smoothly. "It's not your kid, it's Lisbon's…and Jane's."_

_ That got Grace quiet as she realized that he was right. She'd been so caught up in taking care of Lisbon and her baby that she'd forgotten something important: it was not _her_ baby. Jane had more of a right to be a parent to that child then she did._

_ But that didn't mean he should._

_ "I don't trust him," Grace said honestly, "After what he did…how can I?"_

_ Rigsby silently nodded his head, apparently he could agree with that. Cho didn't say anything but he didn't move either, he wasn't as firm on his feelings but that didn't mean he was on Jane's side either._

_ Cho just pulled out his phone and punched in Jane's number._

_ "What are you doing?" Rigsby asked._

_ "I still have to find him."_

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Jane was quietly waiting to be allowed into Bertram's office when he heard his phone ringing again. He knew it was Cho; the man had been calling him several times that morning. This time Jane decided to solve the matter another way; he shut off his phone._

_ Finally he was allowed into the office that he never really liked to talk to a man he liked even less. Bertram was sitting behind his desk looking at Jane warily. He did take some amusement in that, he _never_ asked for a meeting with Bertram, the poor man had to be wondering what surprise Jane would throw at him next._

_ He certainly wasn't expecting this one._

_ "Jane, to what do I owe this surprise?"_

_ He didn't shake his hand as he sat down in the chair across from Bertram's desk. "I came here to tell you that I will be needing some time off."_

_ Bertram was shocked by that request. It was no small wonder why; he never took time off, not even a sick day._

_ "Has something happened?"_

_ "Yes," Jane answered honestly but didn't explain further…yet._

_ The man looked a little lost as he set down a form that obviously forgotten he was holding. "How long are we talking about here?"_

_ "One week, maybe two."_

_ "Is this personal leave or a sabbatical?"_

_ Jane struggled to hide a smile. "Actually…I need paternity leave."_

_ Now was the moment Jane had been looking forward to most. Bertram actually blanched a little and tensed up immediately, his eyes wide and probing. Then a few seconds later realization dawned on him and surprise turned into simmering displeasure. It was like watching a snake emerge from its cave._

_ "Paternity leave," Bertram repeated._

_ "That is what I said."_

_ "Now that is interesting," he said sitting up straighter and leaning forward in his seat. "Agent Lisbon just had a child yesterday."_

_ Jane kept his composure hidden under nonchalance. "I am aware of that."_

_ "And now you are asking for paternity leave," Bertram stated, "that's a bit of a coincidence."_

_ "Perhaps."_

_ "In fact, there is only one logical conclusion I can draw."_

_ "You're right," Jane agreed, "there is."_

_ Bertram gave him a dark look. "And if I asked you if you were the father of Agent Lisbon's child, what would you say?"_

_ Jane didn't bat an eye. "I would say yes."_

_ There was long moment of silence as they both stared each other down. It was Bertram who broke the calm first. "So let me get this straight, you are admitting to being in a relationship with a co-worker."_

_ "In a manner of speaking." It was the truth; Jane had no desire to explain that the relationship was simply one drunken night that was the best accident he'd ever made._

_ "Against CBI regulations."_

_ Jane smiled knowingly. "That's not true. The rules specifically say that _agents_ cannot be involved, there is no mention of consultants."_

_ "You think you are going to be let off on a technicality."_

_ "Of course not."_

_ Bertram glared at him. "Then why are you looking so smug?"_

_ "Because you and I both know that you are just going to ignore all of this."_

_ The man looked surprised and more than a little insulted. "And what makes you think that I will just ignore blatant unprofessionalism? You do realize that I could easily have Agent Lisbon fired for this?"_

_ "You won't do that," Jane said confidently. "We've already been down that road and neither one of us liked it. And this time you would have the added bad press of firing an agent for having a child, come on, petty and meaningless threats are just beneath you."_

_ "So you expect me to ignore the fact that you now have a child with the head of the Serious Crime Unit, your boss—."_

_ "She's not my boss."_

_ "Your boss," Bertram repeated, "that both of you have engaged in an unprofessional relationship, incriminating the whole team and any future investigations…and you want me to sweep all of that under the rug…and then give you paternity leave."_

_ Jane remained casual and laid back…mostly because he knew he'd already won this argument. "Unless you want to have another problem."_

_ Bertram studied him for a long time, probably to see if he was serious. Jane knew he would see that this was the right thing to do. Jane certainly had no problem making Bertram's life a living hell if he wanted to be difficult about all of this._

_ Wisely man quickly grew resigned for his fate. "I'll submit the paperwork for your paternity leave today."_

_ Jane grinned and rose to his feet. "It was nice talking to you, Director."_

_ Bertram glared at him the whole time as he walked out the door._

* * *

Lisbon felt really embarrassed, like a kid being walked out of school by her irate parent, as she made her way out of the CBI with Minelli. The truth was she was just walking him back to his car after finding him in the bullpen after his long talk with Jane. She thought he might launch into a tirade about Jane, her and the subject of Jane _and_ her but he hadn't. Instead he'd remained mostly silent.

Finally as they made it out the parking lot she couldn't take the silence anymore. "Look, Virgil. What happened between me and Jane…I don't even really know how to describe it except to say that it is over."

He gave her a surprised look. "You have a child together, Teresa. It will _never_ be over."

She was caught off guard by that statement…mostly because she realized quickly that it was the truth. Jane said it herself in the hospital; their lives were "forever entwined" no matter how much she denied it. Their child was a permanent fixture in her life…the same logic was applied to Jane.

Lisbon sighed and nodded. "I know." She looked away and let out another ragged sigh. "I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore, I just…I don't know. I have no idea what to think about Jane or if he's serious about all of this…I don't know what to do with him."

Minelli studied her for a long moment. "You need to make a decision, Teresa."

"About what?"

"About him. About whether or not you'll let him stay in Alaina's life. Keeping him on the fence isn't good for either one of you because you aren't moving forward."

She was quiet for a long time as she considered his words. "I know." Lisbon met his eyes again. "But I can't trust him, Virgil. I never thought someone could hurt me like that…but he did."

Minelli nodded, "I know he did…and I know it is going to be that much harder to forgive him."

She shook her head. "What do you think about him? Because I honestly don't have a clue."

He let out a deep breath. "You want the truth?" At her nod he gave her a serious look. "He loves that little girl in there. I've never seen him like that, Teresa but he _loves_ her…and he's different now he's…free."

Her lips twitched at his words. "I've seen it too."

"But you haven't accepted it."

"How can I? Every time I see him with Alaina I just think…where was that guy when I was pregnant? Why is he here now?"

"I can't answer that…only he can."

"He doesn't know either," Lisbon admitted.

Minelli shrugged. "Maybe you should give him a chance to figure it out."

She thought about it for a minute before turning confused eyes to him. "Why are you suddenly so supportive of him?"

"I still would love to beat the hell out of him." That made Lisbon smile but he looked at her seriously. "You said it yourself, Teresa. You have to put Alaina first…and having her father in her life is the best thing."

Lisbon felt a small part of her anxiety melt away at the confirmation that maybe…just maybe her decision wasn't so crazy after all. "Thanks."

He smiled at her. "You take good care of your little girl…and don't forget to bring her around every so often."

"Of course," Lisbon told him honestly, "Her grandpa has to have the chance to spoil her."

He glowed at the word 'grandpa' and gave her a warm nod. "That's right."

She grinned at him and leaned in to give him a quick hug. "I'll see you later, Virgil."

"Count on it."

Lisbon took a few steps away and watched as he climbed into his car to leave. She waved as he drove away feeling equal parts happiness and sadness. She really did love that man like a second father and she longed for days where they could spend more time together like when they had worked together…but she didn't mind that their relationship was now more personal than it ever was before.

He was her daughter's grandfather, by something much stronger than blood.

She made her way back to the CBI feeling a lot better than she had been just a few minutes earlier. It wasn't just about her standing with Minelli but also she was beginning to realize that her decision to let Jane be in Alaina's life; as little as it was…it had been the right choice.

But Lisbon was still surprised when the elevator doors opened and Jane was standing in the box with their daughter in his arms. She gaped at him for a moment before stepping into the elevator with suspicious eyes. "Planning to kidnap her again?"

Jane grinned and shook his head. "No, we're just riding the elevator up and down."

Now that made no sense. "Why?"

He smiled down at their child who was alert and looking around the room. "She likes the motion, and when the buttons light up." He grinned and nodded in the direction of the buttons. "Watch."

Jane reached over and pushed a couple of buttons on the top floor. Each time one lit up Alaina smiled broadly and waved her hands in the air. Then when the elevator began to move up she let out a squeal followed by a laugh.

Lisbon couldn't help but smile at the whole scene in wonder and delight. "She does like it."

He nodded and kissed Alaina's head…but his eyes were fixed on Lisbon's.

In that moment she honestly could see what Minelli was talking about. Jane loved their daughter; he loved her so much he would ride the elevator up and down simply to make her laugh. She knew it wasn't a lie nor was it temporary.

He loved her.

The elevator stopped on her floor and broke the moment, but not her spirit. "All right, you have about twenty more minutes, then she has to go back to daycare."

Jane smiled at her words, he knew she was giving him more time then was truly necessary. "I'll have her back by then."

She nodded ready to leave but stopped and turned, keeping the doors from closing. "Come over tonight…if you want?"

His eyes brightened with a light she had never seen before…but then again she'd never been the one to ask him to come over either. "Of course I do."

"Good," Lisbon told him, "We'll be looking forward to it."

She knew he was watching her leave and she knew that it was the truth.

She really did want to see him that night.

* * *

_Jane wasn't surprised to see the whole team in the bullpen but he wasn't too concerned. He had far more important things to think about at the moment beyond them wondering what he had been up to in the past twelve hours. He simply walked into the bullpen and headed straight for his desk._

_ "Jane!" Rigsby and Cho said at the same time, Grace was unsurprisingly silent._

_ "Where the hell have you been?" Cho asked, obviously miffed from all of this ignored phone calls._

_ "I was talking to Bertram," Jane replied honestly. He wasn't even looking at them; he was gathering a few things he'd had at his desk, mostly his books._

_ He heard Cho stand up and walk over towards him. "What are you doing?"_

_ Jane finally looked up and met his eyes. "I'm going to be taking some time off."_

_ "What?"_

_ He sighed and straightened up to be prepared for what was sure to be an interesting conversation. "I'm taking paternity leave."_

_ Three identical expressions of shock appeared on their faces. It was no small wonder why, hearing him put himself in the same sentence as the word 'paternity' had to be surprising after all of his denials since Lisbon first told him about the baby. It took several seconds but they all found their voices at once._

_ "You're what?"_

_ "Paternity leave?"_

_ "Why?"_

_ He just waited for them to finish before holding up a hand to keep them quiet. "Lisbon was in an accident and now we have a newborn, she's going to need some help."_

_ "From you?" Grace asked with disdain._

_ Jane met her cold eyes and nodded. "I'm responsible for her…for them both—."_

_ "You didn't take responsibility for either one of them!"_

_ "I know that," Jane agreed, "I know that until now my actions have been disgraceful but I'm sure you can agree that this is the best option for everyone."_

_ "Oh really?" Grace said, "and why is that?"_

_ "Well I don't have a broken arm," Jane pointed out. Grace did look a little embarrassed by that pronouncement, mostly because he had a very good point. "Alaina is my daughter," Jane said softly, "I should be the one who takes care of her and her mother right now."_

_ "That's not what you said last week…or last month…or six months ago," Grace replied angrily. "I was the one taking care of Lisbon, I drove her to her doctor's appointment, I took Lamaze class with her, and I gave her a shoulder to cry on every time you turned your back on her!"_

_ Jane simply stood there and absorbed the words. She was simply stating facts, reiterating the not so distant past that wished he could forget. He sighed heavily and looked away. "I know…I know that everything I did and said was wrong. I should have been there for her and I wasn't…for that I'm sorry."_

_ They didn't say anything and Jane took that opportunity to continue with his own personal apology tour. He met their eyes one at a time. "I am sorry…I feel like I should say that to you guys too. I know that I upset and disappointed all of you, especially you, Rigsby. I know you couldn't understand any of this…I'm not sure if I understand it anymore to be honest. But I can promise you that I'll be taking full responsibility for both of them now like I should have done months ago."_

_ He turned to Cho. "You have every right to say, 'I told you so' because…well you did. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to realize it but…but at least I finally did."_

_ Grace was the one who Jane knew he owed the most to, and right now she was glaring at him as if he'd shot her dog. "Grace…I want to thank you first. Thank you for taking care of Lisbon and doing the job I should have done. You never should have had to take that responsibility and you did it because you care for your friend…thank you." She gave him a look that made it very clear he was not welcome in her graces. "I'm sorry that you had to do it…and I'm truly sorry for all of the pain I caused."_

_ No one said anything…no one accepted his apologies._

_ "Have you told Lisbon this?" Cho asked simply._

_ "I've apologized to her," Jane replied honestly._

_ "Did she accept?"_

_ "No." He admitted softly. Then his voice grew firmer. "But I'll prove that it is the truth." Jane picked up his books again and met their eyes. "I'm going to do better now. I promise."_

_ The three of them exchange dubious looks. "We won't believe that until we see it," Rigsby said._

_ Jane nodded. "I understand…and you will. I know you will." He smiled at them. "And now I'm going to go see my daughter." He knew they were still wary and more than a little surprise but at the moment he didn't care._

_ There was someone completely new in his life and he couldn't wait to see her._

* * *

Lisbon was actually waiting for the knock on the door for the first time with real excitement. Alaina was oblivious to her mother's emotions, she was happy to lie on her back on the sofa and kick her legs in the air. She made little gasping sounds and reached up towards her mother with a big smile on her face.

"Do you want Mommy to pick you up?" Lisbon asked. Alaina's grin widened at the sound of her voice and she leaned down to kiss her daughter. She picked Alaina up and looked into her big blue eyes. Everyone said that Alaina looked like her and it was true; they had the same hair, the same nose, same fair skin. But when looking into her big eyes, all Lisbon could see was Jane.

"You look like him," Lisbon told her daughter softly. Alaina's lips parted a little bit as she cooed, her fingers fumbling over her mother's cheek. "You have his eyes," She reached up and traced one ear with her fingertip, "and his ears." Now her finger lightly tapped Alaina's little mouth. "And his lips." She leaned back and studied her child intently. "He's your father…I guess I should actually start calling him that." She heaved a sigh, "It's still hard…but I'm getting there, baby girl, I'm getting there."

A knock on the door interrupted the moment and Lisbon smiled and shook her head. "Speak of the devil."

Lisbon sat up off the couch, still holding Alaina in her arms and trekked over to the door. Just as she expected, Jane was standing there with a smile on his face and his arms bearing…gifts? She rolled her eyes at the sight. "Stop spoiling her."

"Well that's not much of a greeting," Jane teased, "It's nice to see you too."

"Yeah it is, stop spoiling her!"

"I brought one thing for her," Jane replied stepping into her home. "How is that spoiling her?"

"Because you always bring 'one thing' and I see _two_ things here."

Jane grinned and held up the box. "This is for you."

Lisbon frowned at it. "For me? What is it?"

"Open it."

She gave him an annoyed look, mostly because he was being his usual cryptic and teasing self. Jane set down the bag that contained Alaina's gift and she swapped him the baby for the box. He was happy to accept his daughter, immediately holding her close and greeting her with a cheerfully. "Hey sweetheart, Daddy's here! Yes he is."

Lisbon was preoccupied with opening the plain white box, she opened the lid and peeked inside to see six professionally made chocolate covered strawberries. "Oh my God, are you serious?"

Jane raised an eyebrow at her words. "I was expecting a better reaction than that."

"I _just_ got back into my jeans and now you are trying to fatten me up again!"

He laughed lightly. "You're being ridiculous."

Okay, she was being a little silly…a _little_. And those were beautiful strawberries in milk and white chocolate drizzled with dark chocolate in pretty designs. They looked delicious too. She smiled down at the strawberries and met his eyes. "Why did you get me these?"

Jane grinned. "You love strawberries."

"Yes I do, but _why_ did you get me them?"

"Do I need a reason?"

"Usually."

"It's a gift, Lisbon. Don't question it, just accept it." He smiled softly at her and turned his attention back to Alaina. "Now, it's Alaina's turn to enjoy hers."

Lisbon hung back a little, watching him walk towards her living room. She went over to her kitchen to put the box of strawberries in the fridge…but not before taking one out and biting into it. The chocolate was divine and the strawberries sweet and juicy.

She was licking the strawberry juice and residual chocolate from her fingers as she finally made her way into the living room. Jane was on the floor with Alaina, which wasn't anything new, but the toy sure was. "What is that?"

He looked up at her from his stance on the floor. "You said she liked things that lit up."

She did recall mentioning that bit of information. "So of course you take that to mean that you need to buy her more crap."

"This isn't _crap_," Jane replied, moving aside so she could sit next to them and see Alaina with her new toy. "It lights up with different colors so it's good for her development and it sings eight different lullabies so that'll help soothe her."

"A pink seahorse is going to do _all_ of that?"

Jane shrugged. "The light might help soothe her to sleep," he grinned and nodded in Alaina's direction. "and she likes it."

Lisbon looked over at Alaina who was chewing happily on the tail of the seahorse. "At least she likes how it tastes."

Now it was Jane's turn to give her an annoyed look and she smiled back at him proudly. Two could play that game.

The two parents were happy to play with their daughter together on the floor and Alaina beamed throughout all of the attention. Lisbon laughed a lot with Jane, just from the funny faces and noises he made all to get Alaina to laugh once more. Eventually she noticed the time and stood up with a groan.

"She's going to need her bottle soon so that she can go to sleep, hopefully so I can squeeze a shower in before she wakes up once more."

Jane was still reclining on the floor, Alaina had quieted down a bit and he was playing with her toes. He might deny it but Lisbon knew he loved her feet. "I can do that, why don't you take your shower now?"

It was an easy solution, she knew Jane knew his way around her home by now. "Okay, but I mean it Jane. Play time is over, she has to go to sleep soon or I'll make your life miserable tomorrow."

He smiled at the threat. "Don't worry, she'll be sleeping like a baby…which has never made sense to me since babies seem to never sleep."

Lisbon did laugh at that one. She shook her head and grinned the whole way up the stairs.

She took her time with the shower, letting the hot water soak her skin and relax her body. She didn't feel the need to leave quickly and kick Jane out right now, she wasn't afraid of what he might be doing or wondering over his motives. He was taking care of their daughter and she was okay with that.

After a good forty-five minutes of soaking in the shower Lisbon finally got out and dried off. She blow-dried her hair and scrounged around for a clean pair of pants and tank top before deciding that she looked presentable. Now it was time to see if Jane had put Alaina to sleep and kick him out.

Lisbon headed towards the stairs unsure if she would actually find her daughter asleep or not. But it was the sound of someone singing that had her stopping in the hallway just before her stairs.

It was Jane.

He was singing. She stopped and held her breath, she had no idea he could actually sing…and so beautifully. It took her a few minutes to catch the song; of course he wouldn't go for _Rock A Bye Baby _or something like that. No, his was more unconventional…and so much sweeter.

"_Goodnight, my angel_

_Time to close your eyes_

_And save these questions for another day_

_I think I know what you've been asking me_

_I think you know what I've been trying to say"_

She crept closer to the edge of the stairs to see that Jane was standing by Alaina's bassinet, rocking her gently in his arms. He looked completely enraptured by their child as he softly continued to sing.

"_I promised I would never leave you_

_And you should always know_

_Wherever you may go_

_No matter where you are_

_I never will be far away"_

Lisbon sank down to the carpet, hiding behind the short wall that separated her stairs from her living room. She didn't have to see him anymore to picture that beautiful look of love in his eyes as he sang to their daughter. It was in the softness of his voice, the gentle cadence of his words, ever thing proved how he truly felt about her.

"_Goodnight, my angel_

_Now it's time to sleep_

_And still so many things I want to say_

_Remember all the songs you sang for me_

_When we went sailing on an emerald bay_

_And like a boat out on the ocean_

_I'm rocking you to sleep_

_The water's dark_

_And deep inside this ancient heart_

_You'll always be a part of me"_

She buried her face into her hands as she could no longer stop her tears. It was so beautiful; everything in this moment was beautiful.

"_Goodnight, my angel_

_Now it's time to dream_

_And dream how wonderful your life will be_

_Someday your child may cry_

_And if you sing this lullaby_

_Then in your heart_

_There will always be a part of me"_

Lisbon was still crying but she sat up a little and peeked over the wall to see that Jane was still standing by the bassinet but was holding an obviously sleeping Alaina closer to him. His voice was low and almost a whisper now.

"_Someday we'll all be gone_

_But lullabies go on and on..._

_They never die_

_That's how you_

_And I_

_Will be"_

Jane gently placed Alaina in her bassinet, leaning down to kiss her. "Goodnight, sweetheart," he told her softly, "I love you."

Lisbon fell back against the steps and let herself cry some more. She didn't even know why she was crying. Was it simply the beauty of the moment or because she never thought she would ever see something like this again.

"Lisbon?" Jane whispered sharply. "Are you still there?"

How the hell had he known?

Frantic now, Lisbon wiped her damp cheeks to try and hide the fact that she had been reduced to tears because of a lullaby. "Yeah," she said, standing up with as much dignity as she could muster. "I just….uh…didn't want to disturb you."

Jane didn't call her out on the obvious lie but simply stood by and smiled at her as she made her way over to him. "I…I had no idea you could sing."

He shrugged. "You never asked."

Lisbon smile up at him and shook her head. Then she looked down at their sleeping child. "She went out fast."

"She likes music," Jane told her.

"Did you sing to her before?"

He nodded. "A little, when I stayed with you after the accident mostly. Usually she's half asleep when I get here so there isn't much of a point."

That made a tiny flare of guilt spark inside of her but there was no help for it. Still, Lisbon vowed that from now on Jane was going to be able to sing their daughter to sleep more often. "She really likes it when you sing," Lisbon declared, "probably because when I do it, it sounds like cats warbling."

Jane chuckled. "I've heard you sing."

"And?"

"And I know you are telling the truth."

She narrowed her eyes at him and smacked his shoulder in mock outrage, he caught her hand before she could pull away and suddenly they were standing in her living room…her hand in his. His skin was soft and warm and she couldn't help but remember those fingers mapping out her body that one night all those months ago. Did he realize it would be a year next week? Of course he did. Would he mark the anniversary of his family's death with alcohol…or would he turn to his new daughter for comfort? Was a part of him still ashamed of her?

That thought gave her a douse of cold reality and she pulled her hand away from his, turning her head away so she wasn't looking into his eyes anymore. "It's late," she declared but her voice was low and soft. "Maybe you should go."

"Are you sure?"

He'd never questioned her before, always doing what she asked. Maybe he knew she wasn't as sure of herself. But he had to leave; he had to go before she started thinking those very dangerous thoughts that had led to the creation of this little girl and the nine months of hell that followed.

Lisbon nodded. "Yeah, you should. I have to get some sleep, we still have work tomorrow."

"Okay," Jane said, his voice was wavering; for once she knew for sure that he didn't want to go.

She led him to her door, caught between wanting him to stay and wanting him to leave. But Jane stopped at the doorway and shocked her by taking her hand again. "Thank you, Teresa," he said in a low husky voice.

Her breath caught in her throat and her heart pounded as Jane leaned closer.

Was he going to…?

Oh God if he kissed her…

But Jane skipped her lips and instead pressed a medium-long kiss to her cheek. For a brief moment there she wished he had found her lips instead. But when he pulled away she knew that this was better, she didn't want to feel that pain again.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he told her.

"Of course," Lisbon said and smiled at him. "Good night, Jane."

He gave her another sweet smile before heading out to his car. She closed the door on his retreating figure and locked it before pressing her forehead against the smooth cold wood.

_No, you cannot do this again, not now. Get a grip, Teresa. He is not _yours_, remember that._

_ But I want him to be._

_ No, you do not. Have you forgotten what he did to you? The pain you went through for all of those months? He wouldn't talk to you, wouldn't look at you, barely acknowledged that you even existed._

_ I know._

_ You can't go through that again. He's the father of your child, that is all._

Lisbon leaned back against the doorway and then sank down to the floor. She was never going to forget the terrible pain Jane caused her for so long. She could never open herself up to him again because he could easily take her heart and destroy it once more.

She was just now gluing the pieces back together.

She couldn't let him break it again.

* * *

_Lisbon knew that with a newborn loss of sleep was going to be a new standard for her life but at the moment she was in the hospital and recovering from a car accident. The upside of that was that there was a staff of nurses and doctors that allowed her to get some rest for her own recovery. Still she had asked for the baby to be moved to her room, she didn't want them to be separated anymore._

_ She was finally rousing from a much-needed sleep; a small whimper was the signal that it was time to be a mother again. Until she heard Jane's voice._

_ "Shhh," he whispered, he was using the cutesy voice all adults used around babies. "Let Mommy sleep a little longer."_

_ Lisbon opened her eyes a crack, just enough so she could peek through her lashes. Jane was sitting in the chair by the bassinet but he was holding the baby in his arms, gently rocking her like an expert. A week ago she never thought that she would see a sight like this. It was strange, this was how things were supposed to be, fathers were supposed to hold and love their children. This shouldn't be a surprise and yet it was…and Lisbon couldn't shake the feeling that it was all happening much too late._

_ "Of course she might be awake already."_

_ She snapped open her eyes to see that Jane was looking at her, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "What are you doing here?" she asked, sitting up in the bed._

_ Jane had his eyes back on the baby. "I said I would come back." So he had and here he was. He sat there holding Alaina, leaning over to nuzzle her cheek, taking the time to breathe in her scent. Lisbon had done that so many times in the last forty-eight hours, she could understand that. It was everything else that she couldn't wrap her head around._

_ There was so much resentment here. Months ago this was all she'd wanted, Jane to step up and be the father she knew he had been once before. Here he was, doing exactly what she'd wanted and instead all she wanted to do was slap him for taking so damn long. She couldn't trust him. If he could change his mind so quickly now he could just as easily change it back and this time…this time she wouldn't be the only one he hurt._

_ He must have noticed her chilly attitude; Jane gave Alaina another kiss before saying. "Why don't you go see Mommy now?"_

_ Lisbon accepted Alaina quickly, holding her close to her chest as if that would protect her from the man in the room. "Is this how it's going to be?" she asked him, "you're going to just barge into my life?"_

_ "We have a child together now," he reminded her, "it's safe to assume our lives will forever be entwined."_

_ "For now," she muttered._

_ "You don't have to believe me," Jane told her, "in time you will."_

_ "We'll see about that."_

_ Lisbon waited for Jane to reply but instead he remained silent. She wondered briefly if she'd hurt him or if he'd simply realized that she had every reason to doubt him. It didn't really matter did it? She hated having all of this bitterness now, here with her daughter in her arms but Jane usually brought out the worst in her anyways._

_ The new parents didn't really have time to discuss anything further; the moment was interrupted by Dr. Weiss who came in with a big smile. "How are you doing this morning?"_

_ "I'm great," Lisbon said honestly. She still felt incredibly sore, tired and weak but that was all just a part of going through something like this._

_ "Everything is looking good," he explained, flipping through her chart. "If your condition continues to improve, we may be able to discharge you as early as tomorrow."_

_ Lisbon smiled at that statement. "Oh that would be wonderful. I'm ready to take my daughter home."_

_ "There is a catch," the man continued. "Your blood pressure is still rather low, understandable considering your blood loss and the c-section. It is important that you take things very easy which is why I insist you remain on bed-rest for a few days at least."_

_ "Bed-rest," Lisbon repeated, "you mean I have to stay in bed?"_

_ "That is what the term 'bed-rest' generally means," Jane pointed out. Lisbon gave him a dirty look for that one._

_ "But I have a baby," she explained to the doctor, "it's going to be impossible for me to just lie around all day."_

_ Dr. Weiss nodded his head in understanding. "Is there someone who can help you out for a few days? You'll need help getting around afterwards as well."_

_ "I'll be there," Jane interjected and Lisbon simply gaped at him in shock. Did he really just say that? "I'm Alaina's father, it's only natural that I take care of her while her mother recovers."_

_ "Excellent," the doctor replied, more than happy to accept the situation that he truly knew nothing about. "Now, I'm also dropping off the forms for Alaina's birth record, you both can fill them out and we can finish her birth certificate."_

_ Since he wasn't holding the baby, Jane was all too happy to accept the forms. Lisbon didn't know who she was angrier at during that moment, the clueless doctor or Jane trying to jump to her rescue like a knight in freaking shining armor._

_ Lisbon wisely waited for the doctor to leave before turning on Jane. "Why did you tell him that?" she hissed._

_ "Because it is the truth," Jane replied, he was looking over the forms as if they weren't having this argument. "Her middle name is Grace?"_

_ "Yes," Lisbon told him, "I wanted to name her after her godmother, the person who will be helping me out, meaning your services are no longer required."_

_ Jane raised an eyebrow and lowered the clipboard of forms so he could meet her eyes. "Is that so?"_

_ "Yes, Grace was always going to pitch in after Alaina was born, I know she'd be more than happy to help."_

_ "That may be true but you are forgetting that Grace is also recovering from the car accident," he reminded her, "how exactly is she supposed to care for an infant and you when her arm is broken?"_

_ Damn, she'd forgotten all about that._

_ Lisbon floundered for someone, anyone else who could help her out in this time, anyone but Jane._

_ Unfortunately, the great Swami was anticipating her moves already._

_ "Of course there is Rigsby," Jane pointed out, "unfortunately he has a family of his own that he needs to take care of, it wouldn't be fair to ask for his help now as well."_

_ Crap._

_ "Ah, but Cho! He doesn't have any family that depends on him…of course since he'll be taking over as team leader during your maternity leave, it might be difficult for him to take on the extra chore of caring for you." _

_ Now Lisbon was openly seething at him._

_ "Then there are your brothers who would be more than willing to take care of you and their new niece, unfortunately they also have families and live halfway across the country." _

_ Lisbon glared at him and his infallible logic; she was determined to remain completely independent of him. "I'll hire someone."_

_ But Jane just smiled at that statement. "Or you could swallow your pride and let me do the job I should have done months ago…unless you are certain that hiring a caretaker when you are about to be saddled with the extra expenses that come with caring for an infant is truly the best idea for your future."_

_ No need to rub it in, she'd already done the math and realized that hiring a nurse would be atrociously expensive, impractical and to top it off she really didn't want to let in a stranger into her home with Alaina. She didn't have many options here, it was either accept Jane's offer or figure out some way to take care of an infant by herself in her bed._

_ For a few minutes Lisbon did ponder if there was an actual way to accomplish the second option before resigning herself to her fate. "You're an ass."_

_ Jane grinned and turned his attention back to the forms, clearly enjoying his victory. "I don't need you to fill that out for me," she snapped._

_ "I'm providing my own information."_

_ "You want to sign her birth certificate?"_

_ "I'm her father, I was present at her birth, and I've already signed that ridiculous 'Acknowledgement of Paternity' so there is no possible way for you to get out this."_

_ "When did you do that?" she asked both shocked that he'd actually done this and angry that she hadn't been consulted._

_ "When you were asleep," Jane explained, "the only thing missing is your signature."_

_ "And where is this damn form?"_

_ He grinned and tapped the clipboard. "Right here."_

_ Jane was really lucky she was holding the baby at that moment or she swore she would have beaten him to a bloody pulp._

_ Instead all she could do was sit there and watched as he finished filling out the paperwork like every father did and he swore that he wouldn't. He finished up quickly and held out the clipboard, "I'll swap you for the baby."_

_ If she didn't know any better she'd swear the bastard had planned all of this._

_ But she didn't have much of a choice, she gently handed him Alaina who had drifted off the sleep somewhere in the middle of her parents' little spat. Jane was all too happy to hold her again and Lisbon did feel her heart swell at the soft look on his face…if she didn't know any better than she'd swear he did love her._

_ She angrily began to fill out the forms, starting with the information for the birth certificate, gritting her teeth at Jane's information listed below hers. She couldn't believe she was going to be stuck with this man until she was better._

_ "How are you going to get time off to take care of me?" Lisbon asked, not even looking up from her paperwork._

_ "I already asked for time off."_

_ She actually dropped the pen and looked up to gape at him. "You did _what_?"_

_ Jane gave her an obvious look. "I knew that you would need some help once you were discharged so I went to Bertram and asked for personal time."_

_ "You…you can't do that!"_

_ "Actually it is acceptable by state law."_

_ "That's not what I meant!" she told him, her voice tight with anger. "If you take time off while I'm on maternity leave, everyone will figure out that you are her father."_

_ "No they won't."_

_ Now she gave him an incredulous look. "We work with _cops_, not idiots."_

_ He chuckled lightly and shook his head. "They won't figure it out because they already know."_

_ "No they don't, last I heard they were still collecting money for the office pool." She couldn't help but grimace when she remembered finding out about that particular bet, it was never fun to be the source of juicy gossip._

_ "They know because I told Bertram the truth, I had to in order to get paternity leave."_

_ "Wait a minute, you didn't ask for vacation time but _paternity_ leave?"_

_ "That is what I said."_

_ Oh God…everyone would know, no doubt it was already making the rounds in the CBI that it was Jane who had knocked her up. No doubt someone was collecting big money from the pool._

_ Lisbon buried her face in her hands and shook her head. "Why are you doing all of this?"_

_ "Because I'm her father and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not going to hide or run or leave you alone," Jane explained, "I want everyone to know she's my child."_

_ "Even if it makes us the butt of jokes?"_

_ Jane chuckled and shook his head. "Will you relax? By the time you get off maternity leave everyone will have moved on to something else. You didn't break any rules, so you're fine."_

_ "Sure," Lisbon said sarcastically, "I'm great." She picked up the forms again before saying under her breath, "Except now everyone knows my bad judgment with men."_

_ Jane heard her and he grinned but his eyes were fixed on the baby in his arms. "Mommy likes to worry, you'll figure that out soon enough."_

_ Lisbon glared at him but it was wholly unnecessary since he wasn't paying her any attention. She turned her gaze back to the forms flipping through them until she found the Acknowledgement of Paternity. She chewed on her lip as she thought about what signing it would mean, putting it on the official record that Jane had fathered her child._

_ Not signing it wouldn't make it any less true but she'd been going through the process of cutting Jane out of their child's life for so long it seemed so alien to be doing the opposite now. And he was the one insisting on all of this. Telling the whole office about Alaina? What was next, taking out an ad in the newspaper?_

_ Actually he just might._

_ He wanted to be in Alaina's life, that was what he said but is that what he would do? She didn't know. Not now, not after everything that happened. Even now all she really wanted to do was hurt him, to cause him some pain to get some satisfaction after all of the heartache he'd caused her. He didn't deserve to be Alaina's father._

_ But she wanted to be fair for her child…and that meant being honest._

_ Lisbon quickly scrawled her name out on the line and officially let the state know that Patrick Jane was indeed the father of her child._

_ She just had no idea how she would be able to handle that knowledge herself._

* * *

It had been another boring day at the CBI meant that Lisbon decided to leave a few minutes early so she could pick up Alaina and stop by the supermarket. Jane had stopped her before she left and asked if he could come over and she'd surprised herself and him by saying no.

She thought about his disappointed eyes all the way to the supermarket and wondered why she'd decided not to let him come see Alaina after the previous evening's warm and sweet night. Lisbon knew it wasn't coming from her fears for Alaina, she now firmly believed that Jane loved Alaina completely.

No the truth was it came from a place of fear for _her_. That little moment with Jane after Alaina fell asleep had shaken her to her core. She couldn't allow herself to go down that path again, she had barely survived it the first time she knew she would wind up broken on the floor again if she tried once more.

Distance is what she needed, a small bit of distance from Jane so she could gather her strength and fight the natural urge to fall in love with him.

Lisbon pasted a smile on her face as she got Alaina out of the car. "Okay, sweetheart. We need diapers, wipes, powder and just about everything that you can spit up on because Mommy has been busy and is very low on everything."

Alaina simply waved her hands and cooed as she was brought into the grocery store. Lisbon grinned and steered immediately towards the baby aisle. She loaded up on Pampers, Johnson's baby products, diaper pail bags and baby wipes. She grimaced at the prices and sighed. "You are so expensive, sweetheart…but you're worth it."

Her baby grinned and kicked her feet making Lisbon smile. "All right, maybe I could get a few things for me too. Something that I can eat besides take-out…something_ cheap_."

Soup seemed like a good idea and it was on sale too. She put in a few cans of her favorite types, glad that at least she could afford a few things. Lisbon also got some bread, a few more apples and some cheese, that could tide her over for a few days at least. If she played her cards right, she might be able to get Jane to make a meal for her. Her mouth watered at the memories of the wholesome dinners he'd prepared when he'd stayed with her, too bad she'd been too angry to really enjoy them.

Lisbon pulled her car in line behind an old woman who apparently bought most of her items in bulk. She was waiting only a moment before she heard someone else pull a buggy up behind her. "Teresa?"

She whirled around to see the handsome face of Josh Avery and his adorable son. "Hey," she said, her smile was warm and bright. "We can't seem to stay away from this store can we?"

"Well, with kids it never seems to be enough."

Lisbon laughed and shook her head. "I can't argue with that."

The old woman in front of her paid for her groceries and left, allowing Lisbon to load up her own purchases onto the little conveyer belt. Josh used the little divider so he could put on his boxes of cereal and bags of produce. "I was hoping to see you again," he admitted slyly.

"Oh really?" Lisbon said suggestively.

Josh glanced over to see that his son was complete preoccupied with his little toy army plane, making battle noises. "Yes, it isn't every day that I meet a very nice mother in the grocery store. Although, frankly I still find it hard to believe."

"That I'm nice?"

He laughed. "That you're a mother."

"I have the stretch marks to prove it," Lisbon said and then winced. Why the hell had she said that? Now he would be thinking about her stretch marks!

But Josh didn't seem embarrassed by her silly comment by any means. Lisbon quickly paid for her items and loaded up her buggy with the plastic bags filled with her purchases while Josh did the same. It took a bit longer for her, mostly because she was going so slow. By the time she finished up he was pulling his own cart out and grabbing his son's hand so he could follow him.

"Hey, let me help you take this out to the car," Josh told her.

"Oh, that's not necessary."

"I insist."

She was glowing with gratitude as she led him to her SUV. "What are we doing, daddy?" Max asked as he walked beside his father, "We passed the car!"

"We're helping out Ms. Teresa and her daughter, remember them?"

Max nodded. "The pretty lady."

"Yes, the _very_ pretty lady."

Lisbon grinned now as she stopped at her SUV and unlocked it. "I'm sorry about the mess, but with Alaina I never get to clean it." She noted the stroller thrown into the back, the extra diaper bag and her own extra overnight bag in case she had to leave in a hurry for a case.

Josh just chuckled. "My car is covered in gold fish crackers, army men and stale cheerios."

She laughed and tossed a bag of baby shampoo and baby wipes into the back. "Give me a year and I'm sure mine will be similar."

"Except you'll have Barbie dolls and Tinker Bell."

She shook her head. "Not if my little girl knows what's good for her."

He grinned. "So you aren't a girly-girl then?"

"Did you think I was?"

"Honestly, no. You seem stronger then most men I know."

"You included?"

He gave her a wicked smile. "I'll let you decide."

Lisbon realized that she was openly flirting with this man…and loved it. She picked Alaina up out of the empty cart so she could buckle her back up into the backseat. "Well, a few more groceries runs and maybe I'll have you pegged."

"That's a good plan." Josh was grinning at her and she was just smiling back.

Max tugged on his father's arm, yanking on it a few times. "Daddy, daddy, daddy!"

"What is it?" Josh finally asked, tearing his eyes away from Lisbon.

"I want to goooo!"

Josh sighed and gave Lisbon a sheepish smile. "I should go home. I have to make dinner before giving him a bath and putting him to bed."

"Looks like we are on a similar schedule," Lisbon agreed. She gave him a small wave. "I'll see you around."

"Count on it."

Lisbon opened her car door, glancing at him one last time before getting inside of her car. She watched him go out of her side mirror, the two figures, father and son. Lisbon turned to look at her daughter in the back seat. "He really is nice isn't he?"

Alaina didn't respond, her eyes were transfixed by the street light outside the window.

Lisbon groaned. "Mommy is an idiot! Why didn't I give him my number?" She looked back at her daughter. "We might be stalking the grocery store for the next few weeks, okay?"

"Abah!" Alaina said and waved one arm.

Her mother smiled and shook her head before starting up the car. Josh was exactly the kind of person she might need in her life. He was cute, single, apparently a good father and had a wholesome quality he craved.

And he wasn't Jane…that meant her heart was safe.

* * *

A/N: Special shout out to GlindaLovesShoes and HollyGoLightly for giving me the idea of Jane singing to Alaina, that was so much fun to write.

I know, I'm evil. I have so much Jisbon fluff and end it with Lisbon thinking about another man hehehe, Josh will be back my friends, just wait. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I hope you read every word.

In the next chapter I'll show Jane staying with Lisbon at her place immediately following Alaina's birth but Jane will also FINALLY figure out why he became such a terrible person during Lisbon's pregnancy.


	9. It is the Light, Not the Darkness, That

Disclaimer: I own nothing, but I take full credit for Alaina!

A/N: Whew! The holidays are over which means I now have time to write now that I've kicked my relatives out LOL. This was a chapter I was waiting for, while a lot of you guys have figured out why Jane became a jackass it is important to have him realize it too. And I think everyone will love seeing Jane get to take care of Alaina for a day hehehe.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Nicole:** It was good and I hope you had a good one too

**Jessica:** Sorry it took so long for this, the holidays kept me busy but here it is!

**Anonymous:** LOL nothing that drastic I assure you. Jane has to honestly explain why he was such a terrible person during Lisbon's pregnancy and I promise in chapter 10, Lisbon will finally reach the point where she can forgive Jane.

**louisethelibrarian:** I am sorry that I upset you by replying this way but I wanted to be honest with how I felt. I had no choice BUT to respond this way because I don't have your email address and you were not signed in. If you have a account then please sign in and I can respond privately.

**Sabrina:** LOL I can't argue with that. Lisbon wears her heart on her sleeve while Jane hides his away. I like Josh too and he'll be back again, probably chapter 12 though because I have a lot happening before that. I always love writing a jealous Jane, I have stuff planned for that. You'll love it!

**AprilVV:**I like my long chapters too. I'm so proud how the scene with Jane at the cemetery came out, I was so nervous about it! Yep, everyone knows who Alaina's father is...which actually poses a problem in chapter 11 hehehe

**Anonymous:** Awww I'm so glad that you liked that scene, a friend of mine actually drew a picture of it and it was soooo sweet.

**Anonymous:** I had waaaay too much fun writing that scene with Bertram LOL. You'll see jealous Jane, you'll see him in a BIG way LOL

**Jessica:** You'll get jealous Jane, oh I promise you that jealous Jane is going to show up! But first he has to find out that he has some competition

**Anonymous:** The reviews for chapter 7 were hard to take, but thank you for supporting me. You stated the exact reasons why I love long chapters, it gives you time to really get to know the characters. I'm glad this fic is helping you out.

**Hal:** I guess you did. The scene at the graves gave me fits but I was so proud of how it came out. It was necessary, Jane needed to formally let go of his first family to really embrace his new life with Lisbon and Alaina. You are spot on about Lisbon's feelings. She was badly hurt by Jane not just for rejecting her but seemingly rejecting their child, she's afraid he'll hurt Alaina. It's true, he can't start to fix his relationship with Lisbon until he proves once and for all that he loves Alaina and will NEVER leave her. Heh you caught that bit with Josh, a small hint that Lisbon isn't even aware of how she feels.

* * *

Chapter 9:

It is the Light, Not the Darkness, That Most Frightens Us

Jane pulled his car up outside of Lisbon's apartment. She'd given him permission to come and see Alaina that night and as always, he was eager to get to it. He stepped out of his car and walked up to her front door. He knocked a few times but there was no response. A couple of seconds later he tried again and Lisbon still didn't answer. He wasn't concerned, it was late, and she'd probably fallen asleep on the couch again.

So Jane simply did what she'd told him not to do. He picked her lock and let himself inside. It was quiet in Lisbon's home and the first thing he noticed was that the pretty brunette wasn't asleep on her couch. The place was quiet, too quiet. Alaina would never be so silent not when her only way to communicate was to laugh, coo or cry.

He blew past the living room where Alaina's empty bassinet was resting and headed up the stairs, feeling that wrenching pain in his gut that told him something was very, very wrong. The hallway was quiet and still, not a divot in the carpet to mark that someone had treaded there. The door to Lisbon's bedroom was closed and Jane knew immediately what was behind the door.

But he hoped that maybe, just maybe he was wrong.

Jane hesitated before finally turning the knob and opening the door to his own hell.

There they were, Lisbon and their infant daughter. Cut open in the gruesome visage of death, lying underneath a smiley made from their own blood.

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Jane sat up in bed with a jolt.

It took a few moments for him to gather his wits and realize that he was alone in his bedroom. Not standing in Lisbon's home seeing his life crash down around him once more. He wasn't staring at the terrible image of Lisbon and Alaina cut to ribbons by Red John, though the picture was seared into his mind. But it wasn't real.

It wasn't real.

He heaved a long sigh and swung his legs over the side of the bed but he didn't stand up. Instead he rested his head in his hands, still feeling the cold sheen of sweat on his forehead. It took a little longer for his body to shop shaking and his heart rate to come back in a normal rhythm. The key was just calming down and not panicking. He remembered when he'd had the dream the week after Alaina was born, the first night he was away from both Lisbon and their child.

He'd woken up in a blind panic and actually called Lisbon at four in the morning. She'd been really pissed at him for that and it was no surprise he wasn't allowed to see his daughter that evening. Since then he'd forced himself to keep calm and not let his fears get the best of him, he learned to live with a knot of panic in his stomach.

Jane spent the rest of the early morning hours trying to get his mind off of his nightmare by watching useless TV and flipping through whatever book happened to catch his interest. But what definitely worked was looking through the hundreds of pictures of Alaina he'd collected over her short life.

Finally it was a reasonable hour for him to get himself ready for his work. In moments like this he was immensely grateful he'd dispensed with the shady and cramped motel rooms he'd favored before Alaina's birth. It was actually nice to have a real home to live in; soon he'd be able to share it. For now he had more important goals to achieve.

It was early when he arrived at the CBI; he was not surprised that he was the first one on the team to show up. Jane just took his place on his couch and watched as the office slowly filled up. A few months ago Lisbon wouldn't have been long behind him but the daycare center didn't open till a certain time and it was time consuming wrangling a three-month old in the mornings. She still arrived promptly, just no longer several hours early.

He still felt relief when he saw her; it proved that she wasn't lying dead in her bedroom. She glanced at him as she made her way to her office but didn't stop to talk to him. That was fine, he simply chose to follow her.

"Something you want?" she asked as soon as he entered her office.

"Not particularly," Jane said honestly. He only wanted to be assured that everything was okay, his nightmares were just that…not reality. "How are things with you?"

Lisbon wasn't unperceptive, she knew something was up but simply chose not to pry. "They're fine. Alaina is fine," Lisbon smiled softly now. "She's not rolling over yet but I think she will soon, she keeps shifting her weight when I put her on her tummy."

That bit of information did wonders to calm him. He smiled at her. "That's wonderful, she's a little early with that."

Lisbon shrugged. "She takes after me."

"Yes she does, thank God."

Her smile grew to a full-blown grin. "Yes, I don't know if I would survive if she is anything like _you_." He chuckled at that and both of them indulged in a few seconds of shared mirth. But he watched as Lisbon's face grew somber which troubled him a little bit. "Jane…there is something I wanted to talk to you about."

"What?" he was curious, what would get her to look so afraid and blush at the same time?

"Uhhh I put the paperwork in for you to have this Thursday off."

Jane raised his eyebrows at that bit of news. "Oh?"

"Yeah," Lisbon said, now fiddling with a pen in her hands. "I thought it would be better…given the circumstances."

The circumstances being once more the anniversary of his wife's and first daughter's deaths.

She looked guilty and afraid now; it was no small wonder why. Last year he'd indulged his inner demons, gotten way too drunk, seduced her in his motel room and conceived Alaina.

That certainly explained the lovely blush gracing her cheeks.

"I didn't really know how you wanted to handle it," Lisbon continued.

Jane nodded. "What I did last year certainly doesn't reassure you."

He watched as a mixture of emotions played out on her face. First she was sad and pained…then slightly embarrassed and finally a little flushed. He followed her train of thoughts, no doubt starting with finding him at the bar and then ending with them in the bedroom, her legs wrapped around his waist and her taste on his tongue.

Suddenly it was rather warm in her office.

"Look," Lisbon said softly, pulling him out of his memories and back into the present. "I just want this to be easy on you…and I'm not sure if working that day is going to do it."

He simply nodded. It was true, in the past he'd focused on either trying to forget or brooding in his home in Malibu. But that was the past after all…now he had something to live for. _Someone_ to live for. More than one person actually.

"Can I have Alaina?"

Lisbon blinked, caught off guard by that question. "What?"

"I don't mean permanently," Jane quickly said, though that was far from the truth. "But since I apparently won't be working, may I have the day with our daughter?"

She stared at him for a very long time but was surprised to see that there wasn't so much reluctance (there was still a little) but mostly she was trying to figure him out. She was undoubtedly surprised to see that he wasn't terribly sad, not trying to avoid this conversation. It was true that he felt the pain but it was tempered now by the knowledge that he had a new daughter who filled him with joy.

She weighed her desire to help him with the lingering pain and anger over his actions and Jane hid his smile when he saw which side won this battle. "All right, I guess you could watch her for the day."

He grinned now. "Thank you."

Now he had something to look forward to.

* * *

_Jane arrived at the hospital at 9:30 knowing that the hospital's normal discharge time was at ten in the morning. He wasn't delusional; he knew that Lisbon was not at all happy about this arrangement. In fact, he had no doubt that if she had had a normal delivery he would not have been allowed anywhere near her and if he'd suggested this arrangement she probably would have punched him in the face._

_ It did cross his mind that if she'd had a normal delivery he might not have changed his mind at all but Jane quickly dismissed that. Cho had been right all along; he'd been fooling himself to believe that he couldn't love this child. There was no way he would have been able to avoid her forever and the same feelings that had compelled him to stare at the sonogram for hours on end would have sent him seeking her out not long after he'd heard about her birth. The end result would have been the same either way, an instant realization that he'd been terribly, terribly wrong all along._

_ Fortunately for him circumstances enabled him to start the groveling process early, while he hated the car accident that had almost ripped Lisbon and Alaina from his life, he couldn't deny that it had worked out in his favor. Now she had no choice but to accept the help he was freely offering._

_ He made his way to Lisbon's room, a little surprised to not only find her fully dressed but standing up by her bed. Jane knew that Grace had swung by Lisbon's apartment to pick up the bag every pregnant woman close to term had packed, no doubt he would have to deal with the overprotective redhead in the very near future. He had thought that maybe Lisbon would still be in pain, from the expression on her face, that was the case. But he should have known her stubborn streak would prevail._

_ Lisbon looked surprised as soon as she caught sight of him. "You came?"_

_ "I said I would," Jane reminded her, hiding the pang of guilt he felt at her words. She had every right to doubt his word on ever matter now, especially when it came to her and their child._

_ He looked her over, deciding that while she was obviously still in pain and weak, she wasn't having any trouble standing at the moment. Alaina was on the bed in front of her, her eyes were cracked open and she wriggled a small bit, still too young to do much but oh so beautiful._

_ "You okay?" Jane asked, moving to get closer to her just in case she did suddenly feel dizzy or weak._

_ "I'm fine," Lisbon told him sharply._

_ Jane nodded even though she wasn't looking at him anymore; she was focused on their daughter. "I have the car seat set up, I found it by your front door." He offered, "I also took your car because I know how you feel about mine." He knew his car was safe…just not as safe as hers and after the hellish few days he wanted his daughter to be in the safest vehicle as possible in the short ride to her home._

_ Lisbon didn't acknowledge that bit of comfort; she still wouldn't even look at him. He took a step closer to see that she'd laid out a soft cream-colored receiving blanket on the bed, she gently placed Alaina on it who let out a little whimper at being moved but calmed once she felt the soft fabric on her skin. Alaina was already dressed in a light pink onesie that had darker pink, white and brown polka dots on it. A matching pink cap was on her head; it was the understated outfit that only Lisbon would choose._

_ He watched as she folded the blanket over their daughter before consulting a sheet of paper in front of her. She tried again but wasn't satisfied with the result then either. "Are you sure you can do it?" Jane asked, knowing that she was not at all comfortable with swaddling Alaina._

_ "Yes," she hissed, still not looking at him._

_ She tried once more and this time created a bundle that was entirely too loose. Alaina whimpered at the commotion, whimpers that quickly turned into fussy cries._

_ Jane stepped forward. "Here, let me do it," he told her, gently pushing her aside so he could take over._

_ "I can do it," Lisbon declared, "I just didn't know that I had to do origami with my baby."_

_ He couldn't help but smile at her ridiculous statement. "It just takes a little getting used to," Jane replied. He calmly tucked the right end of the blanked underneath their child before pulling up the bottom half and repeating with the left side. In a moment Alaina was swaddled in warm soft blanket and she calmed down immediately. Jane took those few seconds to drink in the sight of his little girl, so precious and perfect, surrounded by pink and cream softness. But he looked up to see the cold ice in Lisbon's eyes and it reminded him that not everyone was happy right now._

_ Jane handed Lisbon their daughter, she accepted her immediately and took a seat back on the bed. But Jane didn't move, he stayed where he was so he could continue to look at their beautiful baby. "Learning how to swaddle a newborn is easier with practice," Jane said gently, "I'm surprised Grace didn't drag you to any parenting classes."_

_ Lisbon's cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink. She kept her eyes on Alaina, stroking one cheek with her fingertip. "She took me to one but I refused to go back."_

_ Somehow that didn't surprise him. "It couldn't have been _that_ bad."_

_ Now she did look up at him with a mixture of pain and anger. "It was full of couples…and just me. I hated it."_

_ He swallowed back the guilt at her words. Right, she'd been a single mother in a room full of happy couples. That must have been uncomfortable and a painful reminder that he'd abandoned her._

_ "I'm sorry," he told her. It was one of a hundred apologies he had made over the past few days, but a million apologies would never be enough._

_ Lisbon didn't say a word but turned her gaze back to Alaina once more. Apparently part of his punishment was ignoring him, she was turning to old reliable methods though he had no doubt she had some new ideas on that front as well._

_ They stayed quiet until the nurse finally came with all of the requisite forms, Alaina's birth certificate and a wheelchair to bring Lisbon out to the car. She wasn't so happy with the idea of being wheeled out of the hospital but she couldn't put up much of a fight when standing up for a few minutes had been tiring._

_ She kept Alaina in her arms as they trekked out to her vehicle. Jane was the one who helped her into the passenger seat while the pleasant nurse wheeled the chair back to the building. "I'll put her in the car seat," Jane said, taking Alaina out of her arms. He loosened the blanket so he could buckle her in but Alaina didn't make much of a fuss once she was inside of the carrier._

_ Lisbon was twisting around in her seat to watch. "Is she okay?"_

_ Jane grinned and met her eyes. "She's perfect, and ready to go home." Lisbon didn't join in the smile but he saw a softer look on her face, she was ready to go back to her apartment too. But she certainly wasn't looking forward to the temporary roommate._

_ The ride to Lisbon's apartment was completely silent. Alaina was asleep within minutes and Lisbon simply stared out the window. He did realize how ironic this whole situation was, a week ago he'd been the one who hadn't been able to look at her and now here they were with reversed roles._

_ They made it to her apartment quickly and Jane stepped out of the car and came around to help Lisbon out of the passenger seat. At least she accepted his arm but she didn't say anything while she climbed out the car. Once he was sure she was fine standing still for a moment, he opened the back seat to unbuckle the carrier with Alaina still sleeping soundly inside._

_ "I'll get your bag later," Jane told her, offering his arm again so he could help her walk the short distance to her apartment door. Lisbon simply nodded her head and leaned on him for support. He set the carrier down as he fumbled for the key to unlock her apartment before ushering her inside. "Why don't you sit down on the couch while I put her in her crib," Jane offered, "I'll help you up to your room in a minute."_

_ Lisbon nodded again, sitting down primly on her sofa, still paler than normal with her recent injuries and blood loss._

_ Jane felt the urge to push her to talk to him but decided not to press his luck just yet. Instead he picked his sleeping daughter up out of her carrier and cradled her in his arms as he made his way up the stairs. He could only guess that the nursery was where Lisbon's old guest room once was, he was glad to see that he'd been right._

_ It was beautiful. Soft pink walls and white furniture. Darker pink, purple and lavender accented the room with colorful images of butterflies and dragonflies. It was the perfect room for their daughter and it was obvious it had been created with loving hands, he had no doubt Lisbon hadn't been the only contributor to this room but Grace, Rigsby and Cho had lent a hand as well._

_ He hadn't though. This was the first time he'd ever seen it._

_ Jane swallowed that guilt and carefully laid Alaina down into her crib. She let out one soft little sigh but remained asleep. He took the moment to drink in the sight of his sleeping daughter before leaning in to give her one soft kiss. "I love you," he whispered, meaning every single word._

_ Lisbon was still sitting on the couch when he made his way downstairs. "She's fast asleep," Jane assured her, "she'll probably be out for a couple of hours." Lisbon didn't say a word but struggled to get to her feet. Jane quickly rushed over to help her. "Don't push it," he urged her but received an icy glare in return. "I'll help you up the stairs."_

_ It was a little slow, mostly because Jane could tell that the effort was exhausting for her. She didn't complain though, but he saw the grimace of pain and heard her breathing increase as she took each step. Finally the made it to the top and he gave her a moment to rest._

_ Once he was sure she was fine, he tugged her arm in the direction of her bedroom but she resisted. "No. I want to see her in her room."_

_ Jane couldn't argue with that. So he changed course and led her into Alaina's nursery. Once she was through the door, Lisbon broke away from Jane's grip and took the few steps to Alaina's crib alone. She peeked carefully over the edge, letting her hands curl against the railing while she simply stared at their little girl._

_ After a few long minutes Lisbon leaned over the edge to kiss their daughter's head, just like Jane had done himself. Then she turned around and met his eyes briefly, silently telling him that she was ready to find her own bed and get some rest._

_ He helped her to her room and then into her bed, taking off her shoes himself. She shooed his hands away as he reached for the covers, pulling them up herself. Then she rolled over onto her side, turning her back on him._

_ "Lisbon?" Jane asked tentatively, "I'll be downstairs. If you need anything."_

_ All she did was sigh heavily, she didn't say or do anything else._

_ "Lisbon…"he began again, "I…I'm sorry. Will you at least look at me?"_

_ But she didn't move._

_ With a heavy heart he quietly nodded his head even though she couldn't see him, before stepping out of the room, closing the door behind him. He shouldn't have expected anything less; it was going to take a lot more than a few apologies and a car ride home to get her to forgive him._

_ If it was even possible._

* * *

On Thursday Lisbon still felt that uneasy feeling of panic and uncertainty while she got herself and her daughter ready. Still she was determined to put on a big smile on her face and not worry about today. She picked Alaina up out of her bassinet and bounced her on her lap. "Today is a special day! You get to spend all day with…your…with _him_," Lisbon struggled but still couldn't quite work up the enthusiasm to call Jane _Daddy_ just yet. "He is going to come here and stay with you because today is a very hard day for him, but you are going to make everything better."

Alaina let out a small gurgle and waved her arm up by her mother's face. Lisbon giggled lightly and took her hand in her fingers. "You do make everything better, after the horrible year you made it all worth it."

It was the truth and something Lisbon was having a hard time avoiding. Today was not only the day Jane's family was taken from him but also the day their daughter conceived. God help her there was no way she was going to be able to forget that night; it had been heartbreaking and exhilarating at the same time. Despite all of the bad that came from it, she had never truly been able to regret it; even before she found out she was pregnant.

She definitely couldn't regret it now, not with this beautiful baby in her arms. It didn't matter if Jane did, as long as he loved their daughter anyways.

A soft knock at the door interrupted her thoughts and Lisbon felt her heart pick up speed. Jane was here. A part of her had been expecting Jane to call it off, not because of Alaina but because he'd changed his mind and decided to get drunk and brood again. She still wasn't sure what she would find when she opened that door.

To her surprise Jane was there…in casual clothing?

"What are you wearing?" She asked before she could stop herself.

"Clothes," Jane replied smoothly, "traditionally they are worn to protect one's self from the elements."

"What happened to your suits?" Lisbon asked, still standing there with Alaina in her arms, completely dumbfounded.

"Nothing."

"But you…you always wear them!"

He raised his eyebrows, clearly taking much amusement from this interrogation. "I had no idea my choice in clothing was so disconcerting to you. Do you want me to change?"

"No!"

Now he grinned. "Wonderful, now if you are done interrogating me, is it all right if I come inside?"

She nodded her head, still shocked, and stepped aside so he could come in. Jane took Alaina from her arms almost immediately. "Hello, sweetheart!" Jane greeted her with a big kiss on her cheek. "Daddy has been looking forward to today all week!"

"Agah!" Alaina exclaimed, slapping her hands against his chest.

"Yes, that's right. It is exciting today," Jane agreed, "any plans?"

Alaina let out a series of mumbling coos and Jane nodded his head. "That's not a bad idea, but we'll have to work in a nap somewhere in there."

"What are you doing?" Lisbon asked, now wondering if he had suddenly lost his mind.

"Having a conversation with our daughter," Jane replied matter-of-factly.

"She's three months old. She can't talk."

"Sure she can," Jane grinned, "she's talking to me right now."

Lisbon rolled her eyes and gathered some of Alaina's things. "Okay, she's probably going to take a nap in another hour, she usually sleeps for about half an hour then. Her first bottle is at 9:30 and she'll have another nap at 10 or 10:30. Are you listening?"

"Nap, bottle, then another nap," Jane said, not taking his eyes off their daughter.

She frowned a little but continued. "She'll eat again at noon and her next long nap is usually at around 4. I'll be back around six so that should be in time for me to feed her myself."

"I understand," Jane replied, now looking up to meet her eyes.

But Lisbon was still in mother hen mode. "She loves the blanket you got her for tummy time, her favorite toy is still that floppy eared bunny but she also likes that light up sea horse and the soft white bear. If you put the TV on you should know that she cries every time she sees that commercial with the fake grim reaper so please for the love of God, switch the channel if that comes on or she'll be screaming for an hour."

"Are you serious?"

"Trust me."

Jane laughed and shook his head. "Alaina doesn't like stupid beer commercials, that's perfect."

She ignored his amusement at that, still picking up things. "Her car seat is by the front door if you need to go anywhere but please, oh please, be careful with her in that tin can on wheels."

"Hey, my car is fine," Jane stated firmly, "You know I'll be extra careful with her."

"I know, I know," Lisbon repeated though she wasn't feeling much better. "You know where the bottles are in the fridge, you should have enough milk for today. You have my cell phone number so call me if something happens."

"Do you give this much instructions to her babysitters or just her father?"

Lisbon groaned. "Okay, I'm panicking."

He grinned. "She's going to be fine, Lisbon. She's my daughter, I can take care of her for one day without you hovering."

"I know," Lisbon said. She looked around the room and realized that everything was set. "Okay…I guess that's it."

Jane nodded. "Have a good time trying to catch killers without me."

"We can handle it."

"Mmhmm," Jane murmured, clearly not believing her. Lisbon wanted to smack him. She was a damn good investigator; she didn't need him to catch a suspect…he just helped get them faster, that's all.

She wasn't in the mood to fight with him, not when she was still feeling rather anxious about leaving Alaina alone with him for a full day. Lisbon walked over to where Jane was standing with Alaina in his arms and leaned down to kiss her. "Okay, Alaina. Mommy's going to work but I'll be back later. I promise."

Alaina cooed and reached up to grab a lock of her mother's hair. That tiny gesture suddenly made this even more difficult than usual. "I'm going to miss you too, baby girl." She kissed her one last time before stepping away, locking eyes with Jane. "I'll see you later," she told him.

He nodded. "Of course, I promise to have her back in perfect condition." He held up Alaina and waved her little arm. "Say good-bye to Mommy."

Lisbon waved back and finally shut the door behind her with some reluctance. But Jane was a good father to Alaina. There, she admitted it. Jane was a good father.

But would that be enough to help him on this day?

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

She was a little earlier than usual when she got to the CBI but she was still on the heels of the rest of her team. That was the new normal now that she had a baby; she was never the first one at the office anymore. "Hey guys," she greeted them, happy to indulge in her single cup of coffee with her team. "No case yet, we'll see if something comes up."

But they weren't concerned about that. They were eyeing the empty couch. "Is Jane coming in?" Rigsby was the one who asked the obvious.

Lisbon smiled tightly. "No, I gave him the day off." Three sets of eyes stared at her for several moments. She wasn't entirely sure what they were thinking, they all knew that today was a bad day for Jane…but why were they staring at her as if she had grown another head. "What? What's going on?"

"Nothing," Cho replied smoothly, "Just wondering if Alaina's going to be a big sister or not."

Rigsby started coughing wildly, a poor attempt to cover his laughter while Grace still looked a little stiff. Oh yes, they all knew that one year ago today she'd slept with their consultant too.

Lisbon glared at all of them. "_No._ You don't have to worry about _that._"

"You sure?" Cho asked, his face was as impassive as ever but Lisbon knew when she was being played.

"Yes, I'm sure. If you are so bored that you have to question me about my personal life then I'll gladly find you something to do, such as shadowing Bertram for the day."

"I believe you."

"Good."

But Lisbon didn't turn away; she was caught off guard by Grace's expression of displeasure. "What is it, Grace?"

"I can't believe you let him off."

"It's not a good day for him."

"No, but last year was horrible. Why would you want to let him do that again? Especially after what it all led to."

That was actually a very good question. In fact it was the same question she'd wrestled with when coming to this decision. But Lisbon actually had some confidence when she told Grace. "That's not going to happen this year." And she wasn't talking about sleeping with Jane, but also Jane's decision to get drunk off his ass.

"Why not?"

"Because this year he has Alaina."

Grace shook her head. "After everything he did, you really think knowing he has another daughter is going to help?"

"Yes," Lisbon replied, "and the fact that he actually has Alaina right now."

"What?" The redhead really looked startled by that information.

She sighed. "Jane is taking care of Alaina today."

"You gave him Alaina?"

"Just for the day."

"Why?"

"He asked." She held up her hand and stopped Grace before she could protest. "Before you say anything, Alaina is _my_ child and this is _my_ decision. I gave Jane the day off and he asked if he could watch Alaina so I agreed. Don't question me on this, Grace."

That shut Grace up; even if she wasn't particularly happy about the situation at least she had to admit that Lisbon was the one who made the decisions here.

Lisbon saw Rigsby and Cho looking…happy. Now what was up with that? "What are you guys thinking?"

"Nothing," Rigsby said.

Cho just shrugged. "Jane gets to see Alaina."

"For the day," Lisbon clarified.

"Things must be better."

She was caught off guard by that comment but she couldn't very well deny it. "Yeah…they are." She actually found herself smiling a little there.

Cho was giving her a careful studied look. "You worried?"

"No…not really," Lisbon admitted, "I just don't know what he's going to do with her."

"He'll do fine," Rigsby said simply.

"I know," Lisbon agreed but her voice wasn't so sure, "I'm going to trust him on this."

Cho stood up grabbing his coffee mug. "Or you could put an APB out on his car and wait to see where he goes."

Lisbon scoffed as he walked away. "I'm not going to do that."

Then she thought about it for a moment and turned on her heel to head for her office.

She trusted Jane…but it was okay to be thorough right?

* * *

_Lisbon waited until Jane left the room before turning over onto her back and staring at the ceiling. He was sorry. Wonderful, that was perfect. He should feel sorry. But _sorry_ wasn't going to erase the last nine months of pure unadulterated hell he'd put her through. It wasn't going to take back all of the terrible things he'd said and it wasn't going to magically change history either. Most of all, it wasn't going to make her believe him._

_ She wished he wasn't here. She wanted to be able to be home alone with her child just like she'd imagined for months. Once upon a time she had begged God to let this moment happen, to have Jane suddenly open his eyes and become a father. Now she felt like she'd been cheated, like she'd been put through months of turmoil for no reason. Resentment churned deep inside of her, mostly because she still didn't know why Jane had treated her so terribly._

_ In the end she supposed it wouldn't matter. If Jane could change his mind so quickly he would surely change it back, probably one night of having to take care of Alaina and suddenly he won't 'feel anything' for her again._

_ All she had to do was wait._

_ Lisbon fell asleep, the long drive and the draining morning had worn her out. But she woke up from her nap to a relatively new sound in her life. Her daughter crying._

_ The baby was crying. She had to get up and take care of her because she was that child's mother. She was a mom…wow. It was true, she'd been a mother already for the past two days but in this moment it really hit her, now that she was out of the hospital and into her real life. She had a baby._

_ Now she had to stop thinking about how amazing and scary that realization was and get up and do her new job. But that was harder than it seemed, she was still in a lot of pain from the surgery, it hurt to try and roll over and get out of bed. Dammit, how was she going to get to Alaina?_

_ In the end, she didn't have to. Alaina came to her._

_ Lisbon looked up to see Jane walking into the bedroom with the screaming and flailing infant in his arms. He was smiling._

_ "Someone is hungry and wants everyone to know it," he said. Jane was still holding onto Alaina while helping Lisbon to sit up so she could more easily take their child. "I wonder where she got that from?"_

_ Lisbon didn't respond to his remark except with a glare. She wasn't in the mood to joke with him as if everything was okay, even if he was right that Alaina's appetite probably did come from him. "Give her to me," she demanded, holding out her arms._

_ Jane wasn't fazed by her icy demeanor but instead gently placed Alaina into her mother's arms. Lisbon reached up to unbutton her top but stopped. Jane was here, in this room, watching her as she was about to take her top off. Oh hell no!_

_ "Leave," she told him firmly._

_ "Why?"_

_ Alaina continued to wail, now rooting and trying to find her mother's breast, not at all happy to find the barrier of clothing between her and her meal. "I'm not going to do this with you here watching."_

_ Jane raised an eyebrow at that statement. "I already saw you breastfeed before."_

_ "Because you barged right in."_

_ "And I reminded you that I've already seen everything before, I know what's underneath there, I've touched what's underneath there, I've _tasted_ what's underneath there."_

_ "That's enough," Lisbon hissed, her cheeks flaming at the reminder of just what Jane had done to her breasts nine months ago._

_ Jane wasn't at all fazed though; it was as if he had no shame. "I'm just saying that we both know there are no secrets between us…well, none of _yours._"_

_ She wanted to smack him for that statement, no matter how accurate it truly was. She had no doubt that Jane had a closet full of skeletons that he kept hidden, he'd dragged hers out a long time ago. "So I'm just supposed to let it all hang out because one night I was stupid?"_

_ "Well…yeah."_

_ Lisbon grabbed one of the pregnancy books she still had lying on the table beside her and she threw it at him. Jane caught it easily and set it down on the table again. Alaina began to scream and Lisbon let out an exasperated groan. "Fine." She turned a little, but there was no way she could hide herself completely, before unbuttoning her top and undoing the bit of fabric on her nursing bra so she could let Alaina nurse._

_ It took a moment to adjust and recall exactly how she was supposed to position Alaina so she could easily feed. But in a moment Alaina had latched on and Lisbon could relax again. It still felt weird but it wasn't painful, it just took a bit of getting used to. But it was beautiful._

_ The bed dipped a little as Jane sat down but Lisbon didn't look at him. She did see him reach over to gently caress Alaina's foot; she stared at his thumb lightly tracing her tiny little heel. Her eyes followed his hand, up his arm until she was staring into his eyes. He was smiling softly and his eyes were bright with something she had never seen in them before, something that almost looked like he was at peace._

_ "I'm surprised you chose to breastfeed," Jane said, breaking the silence and the small moment where she forgot to be mad at him._

_ She stiffened a little. "It's best for her, isn't that what everyone says?"_

_ "But it isn't going to be easy for you," Jane pointed out._

_ "I wanted to do it, it was my decision and I made it…_alone_."_

_ There was no mistaking the shadow of pain and guilt that crossed over his face. She didn't feel bad though, Jane had left her alone for nine months, it was only fitting that he feel guilty for his actions. She flicked her hair behind her shoulder and looked back down at her daughter._

_ "Will you switch to formula when you go back to work?"_

_ Lisbon shook her head. "I have a pump, I'll use it in the privacy of my office and keep the milk in a cooler until I get home."_

_ "That'll work better than keeping it in the fridge, you know Rigsby might use it to eat his cereal."_

_ She couldn't help but soften a little at that image. Yeah, Rigsby did have a tendency to eat first and ask questions later, she could easily imagine the man accidently using her breast milk and freaking out about it later. But she didn't smile, not around him, not yet if ever._

_ Alaina continued to feed for a few minutes before finally finishing up. Lisbon lifted her up to burp her, finding that it was getting easier now. Finally she let out a little 'ump' and Lisbon felt the warm seeping of spit up on the rag and her shirt. Wonderful._

_ But she didn't complain, just laid her down on to the bed so she could clean up. "Need a new shirt?" Jane offered._

_ "I'm fine," Lisbon said, even though she currently smelled like sour milk. Jane didn't listen to her, but in a moment he was handing her a yellow blouse while picking up Alaina off the bed. Lisbon blushed as she removed her top, a little embarrassed that Jane could now see her stretch marks, the scars from her surgery and of course the extra weight around her middle. But she looked up to see that Jane's eyes were on Alaina._

_ "You hungry?" He asked as soon as Lisbon was dressed again._

_ "I'm fine," she declared._

_ "I'm here to take care of you."_

_ "You're here because I don't have another choice," Lisbon reminded him icily. "Don't pretend that this changes anything. Honestly, I'm waiting for you to change your mind again so if you could do that pretty soon, it would really help."_

_ He raised his eyebrows at her words. "You want me to leave."_

_ "I don't want you here."_

_ "I know you don't," Jane actually said, surprising her. "Why would you? After everything I did and said you have no reason to trust me. But I'm here. I'm here because I do want to be a father to Alaina and I'm here because I care about you and you need my help."_

_ She didn't look at him; her eyes averted the wall behind him. No, he didn't deserve even her eye contact. In her peripheral vision she saw him nod. "I'll get you something to eat."_

_ "Leave Alaina," she ordered before he could take one step._

_ For a second he looked at the baby in his arms and she saw a little bit of reluctance, he wanted to hold on to her. But Jane handed Alaina back to her mother. "Let me know if she needs to be changed again."_

_ She just nodded, still not looking at him. Then she waited for him to leave._

_ Lisbon picked up her daughter and put her on her shoulder, gently rocking her back and forth. "Don't get attached to him, Alaina. He's good at a lot of things but most of all…he's very good at breaking hearts."_

* * *

Lisbon knew that Jane loved their daughter and would never do anything to intentionally hurt her, she trusted him with Alaina, she really did. It was the fact that Jane seemed to attract trouble that worried her which is why she had put an APB out on Jane's car. She wanted to know if he left the safety of her apartment with Alaina.

She was determined not to worry about what Jane was doing with Alaina, unfortunately she didn't have a case to keep her thoughts occupied and paperwork just wasn't going to cut it. Jane loved Alaina. He was a good father; he wouldn't let anything happen to her.

But today was the day his family was killed and he didn't always act rationally when it came to his wife and first child.

The minutes then the hours ticked by and she was able to find a relative measure of calm as the time passed with out an incident. Lisbon was feeling confident that she would return home at six and find Jane and Alaina safe and sound.

Then she got the call from dispatch.

"Agent Lisbon, a blue Citroen with the license plate you entered was seen near Blakely Park."

"What the hell is he doing there?" Lisbon said, as if the officer could give her a real answer.

"Do you want us to pursue?"

Now there was an idea. Get the officer to detain Jane until she could get over there and get a good explanation from him. But while she was willing to sacrifice her principles and issue a phony APB, actually having an officer do something like this for personal reasons was crossing the line.

"Negative," Lisbon declared, "I'll take care of this one myself."

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Fifteen minutes later she was on her early lunch break and pulling into the parking lot at Blakely Park. Sure enough, Jane's unmistakable car was parked a few slots down. Part of her mind kept reminding her that there wasn't anything wrong with Jane taking Alaina to the park, the other part of her mind reminded her that this was Jane, something had to be wrong.

It took her a minute to find him on a park bench, Alaina's red stroller parked next to him and he had two ice cream cones. Ahah!

"What are you thinking?!" Lisbon exclaimed as soon as she was upon him, "you can't give a three month old ice cream!" Then she noticed that Alaina was in the stroller. "She's asleep."

Jane looked up at her with a grin. "It's eleven, so she's a little late for her nap but I think she's fine with it."

"Then what's with the ice cream?"

"This one's for you," he replied, handing her the perfect cone that sure enough, had her favorite flavor.

What else could she do but take it. "Why did you get me ice cream? How did you even know I was going to be here?"

He grinned and licked his own ice cream cone. "Because I know you."

She raised an eyebrow. "You're telling me that you knew I was going to find you here?"

"Yeah," Jane replied, "You told the team that I had Alaina today and I'm guessing it was Cho who gave you the idea to put out an APB for my car and you and your controlling nature meant you had to take that seriously."

Lisbon just gaped at him for a minute and then bristled with anger…that was mostly directed at herself. "Jackass."

"But I did get you ice cream."

She shrugged, as if that didn't make up for his insane ability to figure her out. For a moment they both sat there eating their ice cream and sneaking peeks at their baby. Every so often they would catch each other in the act, he always smile while she blushed and looked away. "Why did you want Alaina for the day?"

"Why did you give me the day off?"

Lisbon raised an eyebrow. "I asked you first."

"I'll answer your question if you answer mine."

"Meaning you won't answer mine if I don't?" He gave her sly a smile and she knew that he'd trapped her in this one. She sighed and set the half eaten cone in both of her hands, looking down at the melting ice cream. "I don't know," she admitted, "I guess…I guess I just wanted to make today as easy on you as I could."

"You never did before."

"I did last year," she reminded him.

"Yes, that turned out well."

She grimaced at the memory of finding him drunk in that bar. "Well last year…last year…you were gone for six months and…I guess I thought you would want to be alone."

"And this year?"

Lisbon looked away again. "I thought it would be harder on you this year."

He looked quite a bit confused over that. "Why?" Lisbon just stared at him a moment and then gestured at the stroller. "Alaina?"

She nodded. "For as long as I've known you, you've been punishing yourself. I thought you'd want to do that today of all days."

Jane seemed to consider that statement for a minute. "That's why you are surprised I asked for Alaina today."

"Yes," Lisbon agreed. She was quiet for a minute, tossing her now melted ice cream cone into the trash. "So why did you."

He shrugged and licked his cone. "Because you gave me the day off and I could."

Lisbon gaped at him. "That's it?"

"I need another reason?"

"Yes! I mean…no, I just…" she shook he her head. "I thought that if there was one day you would spend away from Alaina it would be today."

"I see," Jane said simply.

That response only served to infuriate her. "Why are you so calm about this? Usually if there is anything that will ignite your crazy obsession it's this! I thought you would spend the day brooding in that empty house, staring at the Red John case file and staying far away from Alaina and any other distraction."

"She's not a distraction," Jane cut in quickly. "She's not a distraction, a mistake or any other kind of error. She's my daughter." He made sure he was looking into her eyes now. "I love her, I want to spend time with her every day, especially today."

"Why?"

Jane smiled and gently caressed one tiny little hand while Alaina remained fast asleep. "This day will never be easy for me…but she makes everything better."

That made Lisbon's heart swell with warmth. "So…she doesn't make you feel guilty?"

"No," Jane said shaking his head, "I don't feel guilty that I have another child. Not in the least." He finished the last bite of his ice cream before brushing any stray crumbs off his hands and reaching into the stroller to carefully lift out a still sleeping Alaina. She murmured in her sleep and kicked her legs a little but didn't wake up. "My wife would have wanted this."

Lisbon nodded softly. "I believe you…but you know you haven't been doing what she would have really wanted for you for years…why now?"

"I didn't have anything but revenge to live for until now," Jane replied smoothly.

"You still would be if Alaina hadn't been born," she pointed out.

"You're undoubtedly right, which is why I'm grateful she's here."

She frowned a little at that statement, still not entirely convinced that any of this was happening. She wasn't so sure a tiger could change his stripes so smoothly, not after spending a decade with one firm goal. "I don't get it," she admitted, "I thought that you would feel sad…upset…angry."

"With you?"

"Yes," Lisbon explained. "Why aren't you sad?"

"Of course I'm sad, the pain is never truly going to go away. But I chose not to think about today as the day I lose my wife and first daughter, but as the day you and I created something beautiful."

She shook her head. "Alaina was conceived the night you lost them…don't you see that as a betrayal?"

"No," Jane told her honestly, "I might have once but I know my wife would have wanted this result, she wouldn't begrudge the circumstances of how it happened."

Lisbon chewed on her lip as she considered that. She'd spent the past year certain that a part of Jane resented her for sleeping with him that night, then keeping the child that was the result of that. Even after he changed his mind about Alaina she still believed a part of that man existed somewhere. It was nearly impossible to believe that Jane truly had no regrets.

"Don't you regret it?"

"I did once," Jane admitted, "but never over what we did but rather the circumstances. I still have regrets, mostly that I was drunk and took advantage, and of course I have a mountain of regret for my actions afterwards. But if you mean did I ever truly regret sleeping with you, well the answer is no."

That startled Lisbon. "You can't be serious."

Jane smiled and shook his head in amusement. "I promise you, I'm entirely serious. There are a lot of good memories from that night, even before we found out that a child was the result of it."

Lisbon looked away and cleared her throat. "Let's just drop it."

"I don't think so."

She whirled around to gape at him. "What?"

"We never talked about it," Jane pointed out, "and we certainly need to."

"We have talked about it!"

"No," Jane said, "We've mentioned it a grand total of three times. Once the very next day where we both agreed to _not_ talk about it, then three weeks later when you told me you were pregnant…" he frowned now and shook his head. "There is no need go into_ that_ conversation."

Of course not. That memory was seared into her brain like a brand on her skin.

"Then there was a few weeks ago where you cut it short just like you are trying to now," Jane finished, "but we have never had a real in depth conversation about that night, which is entirely ridiculous because now we have a child because of it."

Lisbon leaned back against the bench with a huff. She was sunk, there was no way she was going to get out of this conversation unless she walked away and Jane would just bring it up again later. "Fine," she grumbled.

Jane grinned and set Alaina back down into her stroller before turning to Lisbon and giving her is undivided attention. Lisbon took a deep breath, realizing that she was supposed to go first. "How much do you remember?"

"Every detail."

She raised an eyebrow at that. "Come on, you were _drunk_."

"Yes but even when inhibited by alcohol you know that my mental capacities are far better than any other man's."

"Now you're bragging."

"I'm simply stating fact."

Lisbon grunted her reply to that; Jane was as arrogant as any man she'd ever met, probably more so actually. "So you really remember everything?"

"Of course, I remember ever touch, taste, the sounds you make when you—."

"Okay, that's enough," Lisbon interrupted quickly; she could feel the hot flush of her cheeks. Jane was smiling cheekily as if he was proud of himself. "If you just want me to stroke your ego…"

"All right, we'll be serious," Jane said, holding up a hand in surrender.

They were both quiet for a minute as she searched for something to say. "I didn't take you home to sleep with you."

"Of course you didn't," he replied, "I was the one who started the whole thing. I kissed you; I pulled you on to the bed. We can both agree that I was the mastermind that night."

Lisbon was sure the blush she had was going to be permanent. "You said you just wanted to forget."

"That was true," he said, "it was wonderful that for a few hours all I could think of was you, I wasn't feeling any pain. Blissful is a good way to describe it."

"You agreed that you would regret it in the morning."

"I did," Jane admitted, "I regretted putting you in that sort of position, I certainly regretted using you like that and I regretted that it had complicated everything between us."

"Because it was me?"

He turned to look at her with a concerned and thoughtful expression on his face. "Is that what you think? That I regretted sleeping with you because it was _you_?" Lisbon just nodded. Jane was clearly surprised by that answer…and a little upset. "That's not true. I regret that I slept with you while I was drunk but I couldn't regret being with you."

"Why?"

"Because it was you," Jane stated simply.

"Really?"

He nodded. "We've worked together for years, we both care about each other. More than that, we share something, call it a bond, a link, whatever you want but it is there. Probably because you can't help but let your mothering instincts take over and try to save me…and deep down I've always wanted to be saved."

"You had feelings for me?"

Jane just smiled knowingly. "You had feelings for me."

She didn't say anything and neither did he. The truth was that he was right. She did have feelings for him once, real feelings; feelings that were dangerously close to love. But those feelings were gone; they'd been torn apart after the way Jane had treated her.

They had to be gone…right?

Lisbon dismissed those disturbing thoughts though; she was nowhere near ready to face risking anything close to her heart with Jane again, not now. She shook her head. "A lot happened since then, Jane."

He sighed sadly. "I know, I lost your trust and I have no one to blame but myself."

"Why did you do it?" she asked him once more.

"I'm still trying to figure it out," he explained, "but I'm certain I won't go back. I hope you can believe that now."

For a second she held her breath as she thought about that statement. "I can."

Jane looked up and smiled warmly at her; clearly ecstatic to know he'd finally managed to get her to believe even this much. She wondered if that was going to be the end of this conversation…then she felt Jane slyly slip his fingers through hers.

She didn't pull away though; instead she let him hold her hand, silently enjoying the small gesture of sweetness from him. "Thank you," he said softly.

They didn't say anything like that, just enjoyed the moment.

And neither one of them broke away.

* * *

_Lisbon was glad that Alaina was with her for most of the day. Jane came and went, sometimes he tried to stay with her in the room but he must have realized that she wasn't in any kind of mood to be nice to him. He took Alaina occasionally, usually to change her but once he gave her a bath. Lisbon hated that he got to bathe her first, it wasn't fair. She was her mother, she'd been the one waiting nine months for this and _he_ was the one who got to take care of these firsts._

_ But there was a lot of fear too. It was clear to her that she really did need help right now and right now the only person that could do it was Jane. Grace was hurt and was in no way able to take care of an infant and her at the same time. Maybe she could get one of her brothers to come down and help out but that wouldn't be for a few days at least._

_ Jane was going to change his mind. He was going to leave her alone with their child just like he said he would all those many months…and this time she really wasn't sure if she could do it. Not when she was stuck in bed. She didn't know what he would do when Jane left her alone, she would have to find some way to get through this, at least until she was back on her feet._

_ At the moment Jane was perfect. He would help her out of bed for her to go to the bathroom, even leaning her over the edge of the tub so she could wash her hair for the first time in two days. He brought her meals to her room, good ones too, she wasn't all that surprised he could cook. She still didn't talk to him though, just ate what he brought her and left the dishes for him to clear away._

_ He was going to leave, for some reason she was certain it was going to be tonight. Once the sun set the day would become clearer and Jane would realize that he didn't want any of this. Maybe memories of his first child would come back and he would feel guilt for being here, taking care of another. Would he even tell her? No, he would probably just walk out the door and she would be left alone and helpless once more._

_ It was okay, she was prepared._

_ It still took a long time for Lisbon to fall asleep; she kept waiting to hear him walk out of her life again. Sometime late she did succumb to exhaustion and found herself in a deep dreamless sleep._

_ She slowly roused a couple of hours later to the sound of an infant's wails. Alaina was awake, dammit. She had to be hungry or maybe she needed to be changed. After a minute Lisbon's mind cleared and she felt the rush of panic, Jane was gone. She had to find some way to get to Alaina to take care of her._

_ It took a bit of effort and even more pain but Lisbon managed to swing her legs over the side, she just had no idea how she would manage to make it to Alaina's room._

_ "What are you doing?"_

_ She jumped a little, looking up at the door to see that Jane was standing in the doorway with Alaina in his arms. "You're still here."_

_ "Of course I am," Jane said, "you're supposed to stay in bed."_

_ Alaina was still crying loudly for her meal as Jane quickly walked over to lend Lisbon a hand in getting herself back into the bed. "I thought you…"_

_ "I know what you thought," Jane cut her off, "but I'm not going to leave you alone like this, I promise you that."_

_ She didn't say anything, how was she supposed to believe that? Instead Lisbon held out her arms for Alaina and Jane complied. Lisbon didn't even think about the fact that Jane was there, just unbuttoned the top of her pajamas and let Alaina nurse. She was tired and she knew this was not going to be the first time this night that Alaina would interrupt her sleep._

_ Lisbon glanced over to see that Jane had a similar tired expression on his face and she felt a small bit of her heart tug just a teeny tiny bit. He was here; he'd stayed tonight at least. He'd gladly gotten up in the middle of the night to take care of their fussy screaming infant, carrying her into Lisbon's bedroom so that she could nurse._

_ For the first time…he was there for her._

_ "Thank you," Lisbon said stiffly, not taking her eyes of Alaina._

_ She heard Jane take in a deep breath at her words and then he gently shook his head. "It's why I'm here…I'm not leaving."_

_ She just nodded her head, keeping her gaze focused on their child. Lisbon was too far broken to allow herself to hope._

_ It would take a lot more than this to get her to forgive him._

* * *

The sessions with Sophie were easier now that they had finished rehashing his sins but Jane was also beginning to feel frustrated because he still wasn't sure why he'd treated Lisbon so terribly. He wanted to know; he wanted to finally get past everything so that maybe he and Lisbon could start over fresh. What kind of start he still wasn't sure yet.

"Should we continue with after Alaina's birth?" Jane offered, honestly he was at a lost over where to go now.

"We know why you changed your mind," Sophie pointed out, "that isn't what you are concerned about."

"No," Jane agreed, "That was the first thing I did right."

Sophie was quiet for a minute and then said. "Tell me about the night you were intimate with her."

Jane was caught off guard by that statement. "I assume you mean without detail."

"You've said repeatedly that you love her, that you have been aware of your feelings for a long time."

"That is true."

"Did you know that night?"

"Yes," he explained, "I knew how I felt, I certainly knew in an ideal world I would want to be with her."

"But you don't believe you can."

"No," Jane shook his head. "Not when Red John is watching me, loving her would put a target on her back. That night was not supposed to happen, but I was drunk and was only thinking about the moment, not what the consequences would be. It certainly never crossed my mind that we would have a child."

"And now that you have that child?"

"I don't regret Alaina or anything that led to her existence," Jane stated firmly.

"But do you believe that she is a target?"

"I know she is," Jane replied. "Red John would find it impossible to pass up this opportunity, frankly I still have no idea why he hasn't made it aware that he knows. I can only guess that he wants to wait until I let my guard down…but I have no intention of doing that."

Sophie didn't dwell on Jane's plans for the future, that wasn't why he was here. He knew he had to keep Alaina and Lisbon safe, he knew that Red John would one day strike, he also knew that he would have to be ready when that time came. He had no doubt that the monster would give him some sign first, he'd want to make the game as exciting as ever. Until then, all Jane could do was watch and wait.

"How long have you had this fear?"

"Of Red John hurting Lisbon or Alaina?"

"Both."

"I've always feared him hurting Lisbon when I realized how much she mattered to me. When I saved her from Hardy I knew for sure that I would have to be diligent to not show my hand. But even I could not hide everything, I'm certain he has known sometime how I felt."

Sophie leaned forward. "And what about Alaina?"

Jane shrugged. "I suppose when she was born."

To his surprise, Sophie didn't look satisfied with that answer. "Did it ever cross your mind that Red John would want to harm your child during the pregnancy?"

He was quiet as he thought about it for a very long time. It wasn't an easy question to answer. He'd done so much wrong during her pregnancy; a lot of his thoughts had been about how horrible the situation was, not at any possible future. But there were times…

"I knew that if Red John found out it was my child he would eventually target them," Jane said, "just like he would target Lisbon."

Sophie shifted in her seat, a stance that meant she was on to something. "What would you do when you were afraid that Red John would find out how you felt about Lisbon?"

He gave a slight shake to his head. "I would push her away, try to act like she didn't matter to me, completely focus on my goals and not on her."

Sophie smiled now. "You would pretend that you didn't care."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "I see what you are suggesting."

"And that is?"

"That I was merely pretending not to care about the fact that Lisbon was carrying my child. If I was merely _pretending_ don't you think I would have been aware of it."

"Why is that?" Sophie asked, "You are not all knowing, Patrick as much as you would like to think otherwise. Is it possible that you felt something long before you were aware of it?"

"Not with my child."

"Why not?"

"Because…" Jane grappled for words but couldn't come up with a good explanation for his reasoning.

"Have you ever been caught completely unawares by your feelings for someone?" Sophie asked that question with a knowing tone, she already knew this answer.

Jane nodded his head. "I had no idea I had real feelings for Lisbon until I was already in love with her…it just snuck up on me."

"And you don't think it's possible the same thing happened with Alaina?"

He sighed, rubbing his eyes with his hand and shook his head. "I don't know."

Sophie was quiet for a minute and then tilted her head. "These fears you have…do you have nightmares?"

"Yes," Jane answered quickly. "Quite often."

"What are they?"

"Coming home to find Lisbon and Alaina dead, just like with my wife and first child."

Sophie nodded her head and then changed the subject entirely. "The night you found out Teresa was pregnant. What did you feel when she told you?"

Jane studied Sophie now, at a complete loss as to where she was going. She was switching subjects left and right…but he knew there had to be method to this interrogation. "I was shocked at first. I didn't want to believe it but there was no way I could deny it. Then I felt…sick. I was terrified. There had to be some way to stop it."

"Why?"

"Because I…I couldn't go through it again."

"Being a father or losing a child?" Sophie asked, "because clearly you are having no problems with the former now."

Jane shook his head. "I can't lose Alaina, I can't let him hurt her..."

"Is that what you were thinking that night? And afterwards? That the best way to protect your child was to make sure you didn't care? Pushing both of them away was a way to keep them safe."

"I wasn't thinking that," Jane pointed out, "I wasn't thinking about protecting them."

"Consciously," Sophie cut in, "but beneath the anger and cold behavior…you were terrified at losing something you cared about. People you loved."

"You can't know that."

She leaned forward, keeping her gaze focused on him. "When did you first dream that Red John would hurt Teresa and your child?"

"After she was born," Jane explained, "the week afterwards when Lisbon told me to leave."

"Not before?"

Jane frowned, confused. "How could I have a nightmare about Alaina when I didn't know her?"

"I didn't say Alaina specifically," Sophie reminded him, "I said, 'your child'. Did you ever have nightmares about finding Teresa and your child when she was pregnant?"

All Jane could do was stare at her, completely stunned by that question. It was something he hadn't thought about…but there was only one honest answer.

"Yes…I did."

Sophie smiled softly now. "Often?"

"Yes."

"When was the first time?"

Jane felt his heart racing in his chest, his throat heavy with something…suddenly he was wondering if it really was that simply.

"You can tell me, Patrick."

He looked up and met her eyes. "The night after she told me she was pregnant."

Sophie leaned back now, still smiling softly. "After you told her to have an abortion…you had a nightmare that you find her and your child dead. A dream that was a manifest of your fear." She looked at him with a serious and kind gaze. "You can't be afraid for something you don't care about."

Jane couldn't move for a minute as he recognized that truth. He'd had that fear, those terrifying dreams of finding Lisbon and their baby dead…even the night after he'd demanded she get rid of it. Sophie was right, he could only fear for something he already loved.

"No," Jane shook his head, "I don't…" But he couldn't seem to get the words out.

"You fear for the safety of the baby," Sophie told him. "You wanted to know if you were having a boy or a girl, you took the sonogram and kept it as a keepsake. When the time came…you saved your daughter's life. All of this before you ever saw her…even as you denied it. That isn't hate or indifference, Patrick. That's love.

"You loved your child from the beginning. But like your love for Teresa, you believed your love would put them at risk. And like you've done time and again you've denied it. It wasn't just to protect yourself from being hurt, from losing something…it was to protect them from being killed. And then…when you saw her…well even you couldn't hide it any longer.

"You didn't fall in love with Alaina when you saw her…you merely stopped denying it."

Jane couldn't stop the tears from falling as she finished her speech. Now he was remembering little things, small moments that he'd overlooked in the midst of all of his sins. Watching Lisbon as she moved from her office, her stomach heavy with child. Seeing her smile every time their child kicked and briefly wondering how that might feel. Staring at the form she'd given him, knowing he should just throw it away but instead filling it out, not even hesitating when he signed his name on the line _father_. Sitting in his attic, staring for hours on end at the sonogram of his little girl, imagining the kind of person she would be. And silently praying in that hospital room to a God he didn't believe in that both mother and child would be all right.

"I loved her," Jane said softly, his voice heavy, "I always loved her."

"Yes, Patrick. You did."

* * *

A/N: And there you go. Fear, Jane was afraid that Red John would hurt Lisbon and Alaina so he pushed them away, making himself believe that he didn't feel anything. It's as simple as that.

I hope you guys liked this installment, let me know if you did!

Next chapter: Jane surprises Lisbon more than once, first with a gesture of his desire to move on and second with a joint session with Sophie to finally explain why he acted like a jackass...but will Lisbon really believed he loved Alaina from the start? And in the flashbacks when Lisbon starts to get strong again she nudges Jane out the door...but he knows he real agenda.


	10. A Time to Forgive

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything

A/N: I had NO idea I would be updating THIS quickly but this chapter literally wrote itself. I'm so proud of how the joint session with Sophie went and I cannot WAIT for you guys to read this.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Glinda:** LOL well it worked! You were my 300th reviewer! I love how you gave them a name, Jalaibon LOL

**Hal:** I know poor Jane. It's nice to sympathize with him after all of the terrible things he did. Your words are spot on and you'll see Jane say something similar in this chapter.

**Jessica:** Well here's a shorter wait for you!

**Anonymous: **Thanks so much! I too think that Jane would act so terribly, but then grovel for forgiveness like this. Thanks again!

**Chris:** The lullaby was my friend Holly's idea hehehe. Yes they are slowly but surely fixing their relationship, Lisbon has no plans to make it intimate though which is going to come back and bite her in the ass when she realizes her feelings didn't actually disappear.

**Sabrina:** Well you didn't have to wait long for this one!

**Anonymous:** Thank you for your input but this is NOT a Red John story. I do not have any plans to bring in Red John because as stated, he isn't in the picture. His presence is felt as it is on the show but this isn't going to be about how RJ is killed or anything like that. This is about Jane and Lisbon finding a path to forgiveness with their daughter.

**Anonymous:** It was a simple explanation, everything does seem to boil down to Jane's fears on RJ, now you get to see Lisbon's reaction to it.

**Ana: **De nada. Espera te gusta el capitulo.

**Anonymous:** You don't have to wait to find out, now you can read Lisbon's reaction.

* * *

Chapter 10: A Time to Forgive

Lisbon was trying to get Alaina to roll over again, she'd been excited when her daughter first rolled over from her back since apparently she was a couple weeks early hitting that milestone. Now she was determined to prove that it wasn't a fluke.

"Come on, baby," Lisbon said, patting the carpet beside her, "roll over for, mommy." Alaina gurgled and kicked her little feet in the air. "That isn't what I meant." Her daughter blew a raspberry and that made her giggle. She picked her up so she could kiss one round chubby cheek, "I love you so much."

She might have sat there on the living room floor for another hour, cooing over her child. But the sound of Jane knocking on her door interrupted the moment. Lisbon sighed a little; she had been expecting this since she had given him permission to come over. That was three days in a row but she didn't think about how soft she was getting now.

Lisbon groaned as she sat up, still holding on to her daughter. "I swear, if you roll over with him here then I'm disowning you."

Alaina blew another raspberry in response.

Jane was smiling as soon as she opened the door. "Hello, sweetheart."

Her lips twitched just a little and she gently handed him their daughter. Jane happily accepted, kissing her immediately. "You want to come in?" she asked softly.

To her surprise, he looked at her thoughtfully. "Actually there is somewhere I'd like to take you."

That caught her off guard entirely. "What?"

But Jane smiled and repeated. "I want you to see something."

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him. "Is this one of your tricks? You take me somewhere and it turns out you want me on stage to humiliate me and catch a suspect?"

Now Jane actually laughed and shook his head, little Alaina sucked on her fingers. "No, it's nothing like that."

"Yeah, I believe that," Lisbon replied sarcastically.

"Come on, you know you are curious."

"You really think that is going to work? You build up the mystery until I can't stand it and agree to go with you even though it's probably to my own detriment."

"Yes."

She glared at him for a full minute. "I can't just pick up and leave anymore, now I have to pack a diaper bag, change Alaina, get the car seat out of my car…"

"Great," Jane said enthusiastically, "I'll help you."

Lisbon raised an eyebrow. "You really want me to go with you don't you?"

"I'm not taking your sarcasm or your excuses," Jane told her firmly.

She stared at him for a while before sighing. "Let me just get her diaper bag."

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Lisbon spent two minutes in the car sulking before badgering Jane with questions. "Where are you taking me? You will stop _before_ we get to Mexico right? I swear if this was an elaborate plan to kidnap me and Alaina then I will shoot you."

That one made Jane laugh. "Will you just relax? Have a little faith in me."

"Did you seriously just ask me that?"

He chuckled again and looked in the rearview mirror at Alaina's little car seat. "Mommy doesn't trust me."

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Mommy never trusted him."

Jane grinned and turned his eyes back to the road in front of him. "Well Daddy can't really blame her but she'll come around."

"We'll see about that," she murmured and glanced back out the window. It was a little strange having Jane refer to himself as "Daddy" even if he was Alaina's father. He called himself that with her all of the time but Lisbon hadn't actually given him that title yet. Whenever she did mention him around Alaina she always referred to him as "Jane" or even simply, "him".

They didn't say anything for another ten minutes, not until Jane pulled into a parking lot of a small apartment complex. Lisbon felt a rush of outrage. "I knew it, I knew you were tricking me into doing something stupid."

"And I'll repeat, have a little faith, woman."

He parked the car in an empty space, still grinning but she remained firmly in the passenger seat. "Come on, you're already here. You might as well see what I have in store for you."

Lisbon actually considered her options for a minute, including taking Alaina and walking back to her home. But Jane was a smart son of a bitch; he knew she wasn't going to be able to sleep that night without knowing what the hell he wanted her to see. She groaned and stepped out of the car before reaching in the back seat to unbuckle Alaina from her car seat.

Jane was practically whistling as he led her up towards the building. He stopped at one of the doors and looked through his keys before selecting one. Lisbon raised an eyebrow and gave him a look. Breaking and entering was actually low on the list of very bad things she'd done with Jane, what scared her was that this didn't scare her at all.

"Does this guy know you are breaking into his apartment?"

"Since he is me, I think we're okay."

"What?"

He grinned as he opened the door. "This is my apartment."

Lisbon simply gaped at him as if he'd said he was married to a pet goat. "Your apartment?"

"Yes."

"You mean a place where people _live_?"

"Yes."

"You live in an apartment?"

"Yes."

"Is this a joke?"

"No."

"You _live_ in an _apartment_?"

Jane laughed. "Just come inside."

He ushered her in through the doorway, which was a very good thing because Lisbon wasn't sure she would have been able to move her legs at all. At this point she was so stunned she was having hard time remembering how to breathe. Jane turned on the lights to reveal his apartment to her.

It was simple, a lot of clean lines but good wholesome furniture. It was the exact opposite of what Lisbon had expected though, not that she'd been expecting anything. Gone were the dark bare décor and empty tables, this was…a home.

There were photographs on the wall and framed on the table. There was a small baby pen in the corner with a few toys already laying in it. There was a TV in the living room, a remote on the table and a very comfortable looking throw on the couch.

"Jane," Lisbon began, gaping at one end of the apartment to the other, "this is an apartment."

"Huh?" Jane replied, clearly amused by her reaction, "I hadn't noticed."

She didn't acknowledge his sarcasm at all, but she did hand him Alaina so she could get a closer look at the place. "There are books on the shelves and pictures of Alaina and a basket for remotes, a plant in the window and pictures of Alaina!"

"No kidding."

Lisbon ran into the next room. "Oh my God! There's a kitchen!"

Jane grinned. "I know, it came with the place. It was a surprise to me too."

She opened the refrigerator. "You have food!" Lisbon opened up a cabinet, "and silverware." Then she turned her attention to another appliance. "And dishes in the dishwasher, _dirty_ dishes."

She turned around to look at him as the realization suddenly sank in. "Jane, you don't just live here…you're _living_ here." He nodded his head and kissed Alaina's hair. "When?"

"I bought it a couple of weeks after Alaina was born," Jane explained simply.

"Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

He gave her a small smile and shrugged. "I wanted to wait until everything was settled."

Lisbon couldn't help but wonder what he meant by that. She guessed she understood what he could have meant. He wanted to wait until he had furniture and his things, so that everything was as it should be.

Except she also wondered if he meant about her and Alaina. That he was waiting until she was beginning to actually hope that maybe she could believe he wasn't going to walk away again. Maybe this was him showing her rather than telling her that this was a permanent change.

"You always said that you didn't need anything more than that hotel room," she reminded him.

"Well that certainly isn't true anymore." He smiled sweetly at her and then nodded his head towards the hallways. "Come on, I want to show you the nursery."

"Nursery?"

He led her a short ways from the kitchen to one white door. Inside was a quaint little nursery that anyone would be proud of. Jane had stuck to the color scheme of pink and green, which was fresh and sweet, not too feminine to be overpowering. There was a white crib to one side and a matching table changer and dresser.

Lisbon stepped into the room and looked around, too stunned to speak.

"I didn't get too many clothes," Jane admitted, "I figured we should work with what you already have. But I compensated with toys." She saw that, there was a mountain of stuffed animals in one corner, all waiting for Alaina to sink her gums into.

"Now the crib is special," Jane told her, walked over to it and put one hand on the rail, his other arm still holding Alaina. "It is convertible, you just take out these panels and put in the toddler ones. That way it's ready for her when she gets older."

When Alaina got older.

Jane was planning for the future, a future with their daughter. That was what this was all about. He wanted Alaina to have a place in his home; she would have her own room, her own things, a permanent fixture in his life.

He looked a little worried now, probably because she hadn't said anything in several minutes. Lisbon walked over to the dresser and fingered one big wooden 'A' that rested on the wall above it. A personal touch for their daughter's room.

She turned around to look at him. "This is amazing, Jane."

Now he smiled, obviously relieved that she approved. "I'm glad you like it."

Lisbon smiled back at him. "Of course I do, you put my own nursery to shame."

He shook his head at her. "No, yours is better."

"Well I thought the butterflies were cute."

He laughed and shook his head again. "No, because her family made it together."

Lisbon grew quiet at that statement but Jane didn't seem upset that he brought up the past. It was true; the team had helped her put the nursery together. Grace had picked out the bedding; Rigsby and Cho put together the crib. The only one who hadn't had a hand in it was Jane.

But now he'd made one himself.

Jane was still smiling at her and kissed the top of Alaina's head. "Would you like some tea?"

She nodded. "Sure."

A few minutes later Lisbon was sitting on Jane's couch in Jane's living room waiting to sip tea from one of Jane's cups. She wondered if she would ever get used to the idea of Jane actually owning _stuff_.

Alaina was content, sitting in her mother's lap and shaking a stuffed lamb that rattled, she seemed to like the sound. Jane set down a small tray of tea on the table in front of her. "Thanks," Lisbon said and accepted a cup, being mindful of the baby in her lap.

Jane sat down next to her, taking the lamb from Alaina's hand and teasing her with it. Alaina let out a little shriek and slapped at the lamb, she wanted it back. But she was letting out shrill giggles, clearly enjoying this game too.

"So," Lisbon began carefully, "you did all of this for Alaina?"

He looked up at her. "You think I need another reason?"

"No," she admitted, "I just didn't think you ever would do something like this."

"Things change when a child comes into the mix," Jane told her honestly.

"But is this what you want?"

"Of course it is."

"Jane…"

"Now wait a minute," Jane said, sitting up so he could meet her eyes now. "I know you don't have any reason to believe me and it's understandable. But I want you to know that this was something I knew I had to do from the moment I fell in love with our child. I want Alaina in my life that means making room in my life for her. I've done that, I'm doing that and it isn't going to change."

Lisbon nodded her head. "That means setting up a room for her."

He smiled and shrugged. "I'd like her to have a place here, for the future. I'm hoping that when she's a little older…when you trust me again, that she'll be able to spend the night here sometimes."

She set the cup of tea down on the table. "You want to share custody."

"Eventually," Jane told her, "when you are ready for it."

Lisbon honestly didn't know what to think. Months ago when she'd been pregnant and scared she'd had dreams of maybe sharing custody with Jane. That was when she spent hours of every day praying that Jane would turn around and see that he had a life and a child that was alive, one that needed him.

She'd given up that dream.

Now here it was coming true, she hadn't been able to accept it before. But it was staring her right in the face now.

But she couldn't say anything yet. Just nodded her head and took another sip of tea. "Have you told the rest of the team yet?"

"You're my first visitor."

She smiled; she liked the sound of that. Lisbon nodded her head towards the television. "You'll have to get a bigger TV if you want Rigsby and Cho over, they do game nights."

Jane grinned. "I'm not one for sports but I did pick my kitchen table out specifically for poker."

"That'll work," Lisbon teased, "but will they come? They are wise to you and your cheating ways."

"Well I'll let them win every now and then."

She laughed now, enjoying the conversation. The awkwardness and anger wasn't here right now, in this moment she was just happy to be with him, happy to have their child in her arms.

Jane grinned too and reached for Alaina, Lisbon handed her over to him, which meant she could now sip her tea with ease. He sat down on the floor by the couch and laid her down on her back.

"I told you," Lisbon said firmly, "she rolled over two days ago and hasn't done it since."

"We'll see about that." Jane replied, his eyes fixed on his child. "All right, Alaina. You know you want to roll for Daddy, don't you? Don't you?"

Lisbon just laughed and leaned back on the very comfortable couch. All she wanted to do was savor this moment, of watching her daughter play with her father. This was what she had wanted all those months ago.

For the first time she actually believed it was real.

* * *

_Lisbon hadn't really believed that Jane would actually take care of her when she was under doctor's orders to remain in bed. Not until he actually picked her up from the hospital, drove her to her apartment, helped her up to stairs and into her bed. That was where she remained except when she needed to use the bathroom, even then Jane told her to call for him but she mostly ignored his wishes in that regard, she didn't want him to see her pee._

_ Still, she wasn't prepared for this. It was Jane who brought her meals to her bedroom on a tray, Jane who was taking care of her house and Jane who would get up in the middle of night to bring a crying baby to her mother so she could be nursed. Most people would have been touched by his tender and attentive care towards her and their child but Lisbon still refused to speak to him for the most part._

_ Meanwhile Jane was enjoying his duties immensely. Taking care of Lisbon didn't make up for his behavior of the last nine months but it did feel like a real step in the right direction. Of course the best part was that this gave him a lot of time with Alaina. He loved hearing her little coos and gurgles, those small sighs that meant she was content. His favorite thing to do was watch her sleep, to watch her breathe, then he could drink his fill of her even though that was impossible, he could never tire of watching her._

_ And he was discovering little things about her too. Her hair was dark like her mother and her eyes were still that pure newborn blue but there were other subtle features he noticed that came from both of her parents. Small things like she had earlobes that were the same shape as his or her second toes were slightly longer than her big toes, just like her mother._

_ Even her personality was beginning to show. She wasn't a big fan of quiet; she loved soothing white noise which was undoubtedly something she inherited from him. And she was stubborn, refusing to lose her hold on something until he pried her fingers from whatever object she'd managed to grab, now that must have come from her mother._

_ Jane wanted to share all of these little things with Lisbon but she was still simmering in her quiet anger. She wasn't willing to talk about Alaina at all. She always accepted the baby whenever he brought her to her and she would keep Alaina by her side for most of the day but Jane couldn't help but worry that perhaps she was having some difficulty adjusting. Post-partum was very common, and after the trauma she went through during Alaina's birth it was possible that more serious scars lay underneath._

_ He was busy cleaning up Lisbon's kitchen while Alaina was enjoying some quality time with her mother when there was a knock on her door. Jane wasn't all that surprised, he knew immediately who it was before he even had to walk over._

_ Sure enough, there was Grace standing primly with her arm still in a sling and a stack of paperback books in the other. The look she gave him was pure ice but that wasn't anything unusual of late. "Hello, Grace. I assume you are here to see the patient."_

_ "Where is she?"_

_ "In her bed, following doctor's orders. Alaina is with her too."_

_ Grace simply gave him a nod before walking around him in the direction of the bedroom. She was on the stairs when Jane decided to call out to her. "I'm good too by the way."_

_ She paused and gave him a glare, whether it was still all from her anger at his previous behavior towards Lisbon or a bit of wounded pride for pointing out her rudeness, he didn't know. But Grace continued up the stairs without a word. _

_ Jane heaved a sigh once she was gone. He had a lot of work to do, not just in the kitchen._

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_ Lisbon was watching Alaina who was lying on her back, occasionally kicking her feet in the air. She couldn't help but smile and play with her tiny little toes. Alaina was a beautiful baby and the best accident she ever made, no doubt about that._

_ A gentle rapping on the door startled her, she assumed it was Jane but was pleasantly surprised when Grace walked in with a big smile. "Hey," she said quietly, "how are you doing?"_

_ "Oh I'm doing fine," Lisbon told her, smiling now too. "Bored with bed rest but what else is new?"_

_ "Well I have a few things that should help with that," Grace replied and set the stack of books down beside her._

_ "Bless you!"_

_ "Nothing like trashy romance to pass the time," Grace remarked making Lisbon laugh. She sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned over to look at the baby, "but you have someone else to help with that too."_

_ Now Lisbon beamed with motherly pride. "I can't get enough of her."_

_ "Isn't that how it's supposed to be?"_

_ Lisbon nodded. "It's unbelievable, Grace. I never thought that I could do something like this and now…now I can't imagine anything but this."_

_ Grace smiled and toyed with Alaina's little fingers, letting the baby wrap her fist around her forefinger. After a moment of admiring the baby she turned a somber gaze to Lisbon. "How are things here?"_

_ "You mean how are things with Jane?" Lisbon corrected._

_ Grace shrugged a little. "Well…yeah."_

_ She sighed and shook her head. "I don't know. I honestly have no idea what to call any of this."_

_ "I still think you should have had me stay with you."_

_ "No, Jane was right about one thing. This was the best option, as much as I hate that. Believe me, I'd much rather have you here."_

_ "Is he being a problem?"_

_ Now Lisbon furrowed her brow for a minute and shook her head. "No…actually, if you want me to find a fault with him here…well I can't. He's taking care of me, of the baby, he's doing everything he's supposed to."_

_ "Really?"_

_ "I wouldn't believe it either, but here we are." Lisbon sighed. "I don't know what to think anymore."_

_ "Why do you think he's offering all of this?"_

_ Lisbon looked down at her daughter and bit her lip; she'd been keeping some of the truth from Grace because she hadn't known how to tell her when she didn't know what to think of it herself. "He says he wants to be in Alaina's life."_

_ Grace's eyes widened. "How much?"_

_ "Apparently, all of it. He says that he wants to be her father, he signed the birth certificate and told Bertram for God's sake." Lisbon sat up and leveled her gaze with Grace now that she remembered what Jane had done. "Everyone is talking about Jane and me at the office aren't they?"_

_ Grace blushed and then lied badly. "No."_

_ "Crap," Lisbon muttered and turned over onto her side, rubbing her temples._

_ She winced, knowing she'd been caught. "It's not that bad."_

_ "Right," Lisbon replied she turned towards Grace again. "What are they saying?"_

_ The other agent was quiet as she tried to think of the best way to talk about all of this. "Well…they kind of think Jane seduced you."_

_ "So I'm the pathetic groupie?"_

_ "No one has called you a groupie, or pathetic." Grace clarified, "but everyone is wondering why you guys didn't come out with this sooner. Some people think maybe Jane didn't think Alaina was his."_

_ "Oh God." Lisbon moaned and threw the pillow over her head, "now I'm the office slut."_

_ "No," Grace continued, "more people are remembering how Jane acted towards you so now they are thinking that maybe he was upset…which is the truth."_

_ Lisbon threw the pillow aside and looked up at Grace. "So now they pity me? That might be worse than being a slut."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because it just is," Lisbon said with a sigh. "Now I'll be poor agent Lisbon, the stupid girl who did the stupid thing and slept with the wrong guy who didn't want to be there for her," she explained, "I'd rather them think bad of me than pity me. At least then they'd see me as strong."_

_ "But you are strong," Grace urged her, "You decided to go through all of this, alone. When Jane told her to get rid of her, you told him no, you planned all of this by yourself. That is amazing. Everyone will realize that when they know the awful things Jane said."_

_ Lisbon lifted her head. "Don't say anything about that."_

_ "But you said—."_

_ "I know what I said but I don't want everyone to know what Jane did either. He might be a selfish coward but I don't want to sink down to that level. The best way to handle this is to not say anything and let them get bored."_

_ "You shouldn't protect Jane."_

_ "I'm not," Lisbon explained, "not now, not after what he did. I'm protecting Alaina, telling them anything more is just going to keep all of this up and I don't want that. Just let the gossip run it's course and then everything will be fine."_

_ Grace nodded her head and was quiet for a moment. "What about Jane?"_

_ "What about him?" Lisbon asked, looking up from her child._

_ "You said he wants to be involved…do you believe him?"_

_ She shook her head. "No," but then she thought about it for a moment and sighed. "I don't know. It doesn't make sense any more. He told Bertram, signed the birth certificate, is sleeping on my couch…but he told me numerous times to get an abortion, that he wanted nothing to do with her. Honestly, what am I supposed to believe?"_

_ Grace didn't say anything but had a thoughtful and somber look on her face. "I was actually asking you," Lisbon told her._

_ The other agent shrugged and was quiet for a few beats. "I can't stop thinking about what happened in the hospital. When he first saw her and he started…crying."_

_ Lisbon nodded. "I know, it's hard to forget something like that."_

_ "Yes but it was just how it all happened," Grace continued, "he saw her and was just so…quiet. Then he suddenly broke down and cried, apologizing over and over again and then he held her…" she paused for a moment before asking softly. "You think maybe he changed his mind?"_

_ She was still for a long time before shaking her head. "I don't know. Is it even possible for someone to just change so quickly?"_

_ "Maybe. What did it feel like when you first saw her?"_

_ Now Lisbon smiled and gently caressed her daughter's downy head. "It was unbelievable. I had no idea it was possible to love someone so much. It felt like all of my life something was missing and I had no idea and then suddenly….suddenly it was filled." She looked up to see Grace giving her an obvious look. "What?"_

_ "Well…doesn't that say something? Maybe the same thing happened with Jane."_

_ "Yes but I carried her inside of me for nine months, I actually _wanted_ to see her. All Jane wanted me to do was get rid of her."_

_ "I know and I'm not saying that you should forgive him or that he even deserves to be forgiven," Grace explained, "but that moment when you first saw Alaina…that was powerful. You said you felt like something had been missing and now that was gone, is it at all possible that Jane felt the same way."_

_ Lisbon chewed on her lip as she pondered what Grace had said. It was true; she'd felt an overwhelming wave of pure love for her child when they had brought her in. A giddy rush of wanting to cry tears of joy and just burst into smiles at the real pure happiness she'd felt. She'd been prepared for it but at the same time, nothing could have prepared her for that moment either._

_ Jane hadn't been prepared either. He hadn't even intended to be in that room when the baby was brought in. He'd been caught off guard and suddenly there she was, the beautiful baby he'd been dreading for months was finally there. Lisbon could believe it; she could believe that a father could suddenly feel real love for his child just from one look._

_ But was Jane actually capable of it?_

_ She couldn't say that for sure…but she couldn't deny that it was possible either._

_ "Maybe," Lisbon admitted, "maybe he did really feel something and he changed his mind. But I can't put all of my trust in _maybe_."_

_ Grace relaxed and nodded. "No you can't, you are right not to trust him. He doesn't deserve it."_

_ "This isn't about revenge, it's about trust."_

_ "Aren't you still angry with him?"_

_ "Of course I am," Lisbon replied. "I'd love to punch him in the face repeatedly."_

_ Grace grinned. "If you want, I'll hold him down for you."_

_ Lisbon giggled and shook her head. "No. I'll figure all of this out some other way."_

_ Grace was quiet for a moment as the silliness of the conversation faded away. "What are you going to do?"_

_ "I don't know," Lisbon admitted._

_ "Are you going to let him see her?"_

_ "I don't know."_

_ "Do you think you'll ever forgive him?"_

_ "I don't know," Lisbon admitted and then continued. "Probably not."_

_ "But you are aren't sure?"_

_ "Grace, you aren't going to be getting any answers," Lisbon told her, "I still have no idea what I'm going to do about all of this. When I do, you'll be the first to know." Grace seemed satisfied with that and Lisbon was quick to try and change the subject. "So come on, tell me something. Anything that is going on. I'm desperate here!"_

_ Grace smirked smugly. "Well there is something…"_

_ Lisbon sat up in her bed. "What?"_

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_ Jane knew that eavesdropping was certainly a low form to sneak to in the art of acquiring information but at this point he was just that desperate and he'd never been a man of scruples anyways. He'd heard the majority of the conversation as they swung from cooing over Alaina and then discussing how thoroughly disgusted they were with him and questioning his own motivations in his bid to be a father._

_ It wasn't anything he didn't already know but it still stung hearing it._

_ Now they were moving on to trivial fluff, no doubt as an attempt to work past the darkness of the previous conversation._

_ "…so then Hillary found out that he was hooking up with Amber because of the mix up at the mailroom."_

_ "But I thought he was seeing Janet?"_

_ "Apparently he can add juggling to his resume."_

_ Jane heard Lisbon laugh lightly. "She should have known, everybody else knew he was the office lothario."_

_ "He tried to get me to go home with him at the Christmas party last year."_

_ "He tries that with everyone, when it was my turn I simply emailed him a copy of the sexual harassment section under employee relations. Oddly enough, he never talked to me again."_

_ Now they both started laughing, quite loudly too. Jane decided the eavesdropping portion of the evening was over and he moved away from the door to head back downstairs._

_ The good news was that his earlier assumption was wrong; Lisbon was connecting with their daughter just fine. Her cold attitude was saved for when she was around him…he was the one she wasn't connecting with._

_ That was fine. What worried him was that even now she still didn't believe him. The longer it took, the less likely it was that she ever would. The truth was that he didn't have a leg to stand on, she could very well keep him from Alaina and he wouldn't have any options but to accept her decision._

_ Lisbon didn't know what to do…and neither did he._

* * *

Lisbon was ready to go to lunch, the case was going well, the only thing she had to concern herself with was what schemes Jane was going to be up to this time but that wasn't anything new. Perhaps it was time for a nice deli sandwich from across the street, that didn't sound too bad at all.

Eva from the Foreign Prosecutions and Law Enforcement Unit was waiting for the elevator as well, she smile at Lisbon when she walked up. "Hey, Lisbon. How's Alaina?"

"She's great," Lisbon said proudly, "seems like she grows an inch every time I turn around."

"You need to bring her around the office again."

Lisbon grinned now. "I'll see what I can do."

Every time she brought Alaina to the office she was swarmed by the women who worked there and Eva and her friends Christina and Holly were no exceptions. But they weren't the annoying ones. Actually Eva was pretty impressive, watching her swear at a Mexican drug trafficker in rapid Spanish earned her quite a few points, even more because that was only one of the languages she was fluent in.

Before the elevator arrived, Jane did. To her surprise he looked very serious but he saw Eva and she knew he wasn't exactly pleased that she was there. "Hello, Lisbon, Eva." He turned his attention to the other woman. "Könntest du uns für einen Moment alleine lassen?"

Oh yeah, Jane liked to speak German with Eva sometimes, probably just to annoy her.

Eva looked confused by the sudden switch to another language but chose to play along with Jane. Much to Lisbon's annoyance. "Warum? Was hast du vor?"

Jane had a grin on his face when he said. "Ich will ihr einen Antrag machen."

Eva's eyes widened and she looked from one to the other. Whatever Jane said, it worked. She gave one last long took at the two of them before choosing the take the stairs instead.

Lisbon gave Jane a glare. "What did you say to her?"

"I told her I was going to propose to you."

She snorted. "Yeah right." Lisbon turned her attention back to the elevator as it finally opened, she and Jane stepped inside. "What do you really want?"

"I'd like to take you somewhere."

Lisbon raised an eyebrow. "Really? You already took me to your apartment, got another secret home I have to see?"

"No, nothing like that," Jane replied honestly.

"Then what?"

"You'll have to wait and find out."

She groaned loudly. "I hate these games."

"Then you really won't like this."

Lisbon glared at him. "Just tell me where you are taking me."

He grinned now, noting her slip. She'd already decided to go with him no matter what. "Just come on."

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She didn't know where Jane was going to take her, it ranged everywhere from Vegas to Disneyland but she certainly didn't expect it to be the parking lot of the practice where Sophie Miller worked. Lisbon turned her head to gape at Jane. "What are we doing here?"

Jane sighed, turning off the engine and looking at Lisbon with a very serious expression on his face. "I've been having sessions with Sophie again."

"Why?" she asked, honestly she couldn't have been more shocked. "You hate seeing shrinks."

"This was important," Jane replied simply.

"And that is?"

He caught her eyes in a somber gaze. "You said you needed to know why I treated you so terribly during your pregnancy…I needed to know why too."

Lisbon got very quiet at the mention of his behavior. In the past couple of weeks…well she had never forgotten what Jane had done but it was so much easier to dismiss it. But it had always been there, like a tick in the back of her mind, even in those moments where she was actually enjoying his presence with their daughter she always could remember that Jane hadn't wanted this. That he had put her through months of hell and pain; no one had treated her as badly as he had. No one.

"Do you know?" she finally asked softly. Jane nodded his head and she sat up straighter. "Then why?"

He hesitated a moment. "I want you to come in and talk with Sophie first."

"Why?" She bristled with suspicion.

Jane held up a hand to calm her down. "Sophie suggested it, an opportunity for both of us to figure out everything that happened between us."

Lisbon shook her head. "I'm not sure how I feel about couple's therapy, especially since we were never a couple."

"Lisbon, you know one of our biggest problems is the fact that we don't talk to each other."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Honestly? Both of us."

It was true. Jane wasn't an open book but she'd locked up her emotions quite a bit herself. In fact, Jane had been the one who forced her to talk about the night their daughter was conceived; she'd been trying to avoid that conversation from the beginning.

"You really think we need a mediator?"

"I think we both need prodding if we are going to be honest with each other."

Lisbon sighed and opened the passenger door. "Fine, let's go talk to her."

She agreed to this session but she did drag her feet on the way up mostly because she was a little afraid of what she would find out. She had her own suspicions about why Jane had acted so horribly during her pregnancy, mostly it revolved around the fact that she was not his wife and never would be.

Jane led her to the office where Sophie was calmly waiting in a chair. Lisbon noticed the sofa that she supposed she and Jane were supposed to share; well at least it wasn't a love seat. "Teresa, it is good to see you again."

Lisbon nodded. "Yes, I guess it is."

"Would you like something? Water? Coffee?"

She shook her head. "I make it a rule not to drink coffee when I'm talking to a psychiatrist."

Jane rolled his eyes. "Sophie isn't going to drug you and frame you for murder."

"Hush," Lisbon said, lightly smacking his hand.

Sophie raised an eyebrow at the conversation. "Sounds like you have some interesting stories."

"That is one way to put it," Lisbon agreed. She rubbed her sweaty palms against her thighs, still not entirely comfortable with being here. Lisbon wasn't one to ever talk about her feelings or her past; she hated that now she would have to do both.

Sophie must have noticed her discomfort because she gave her a reassuring smile. "How is Alaina?"

Lisbon was startled that her daughter was mentioned by a woman who she didn't really know all that well. But Jane did and he must have talked about their child in their sessions. Besides…she liked Sophie. "She's great," Lisbon explained, "I have pictures." This was a role she was comfortable with, the bragging mother.

She pulled out the small photographs she kept tucked away in her wallet and handed them to Sophie. Then she caught Jane's eye, he was grinning with amusement. "I had no idea you would be one of those mothers."

"Shut up."

Sophie wasn't fazed by their little argument but diligently looked through the three photographs before handing them back to Lisbon. "She's beautiful, and Patrick was right, she does look like you." Lisbon nodded, tucking the pictures back into the wallet. "You must be very proud of her…and yourself."

Lisbon raised an eyebrow at that statement. "Me?"

"After everything you went through, you must take some pride in knowing that you can overcome something like that."

She was startled by that that idea and considered it. "I'm proud of the fact that I was strong enough."

Sophie nodded. "I asked Patrick to bring you here because while he has told me everything that he felt during your pregnancy, it's important to hear your side of what happened."

Lisbon glanced at Jane, she shouldn't have been surprised to hear he was talking about her pregnancy, he had said as much. But it still felt weird that her private issues weren't so private after all. Then she turned her attention back to Sophie. "My side?" Sophie nodded and Lisbon pondered that for a moment. "Where am I supposed to start?"

Sophie leaned back in her chair, her gaze focused on Lisbon. "What happened the morning after you slept with him?"

Lisbon colored at the mention of her sex life. This wasn't going to be easy in the least. "Well I…I didn't expect that to happen. I just…I wanted to get out of there so I left."

"Were you upset?"

"I was angry at myself," Lisbon admitted, "I was the sober one but I still let it happen. I knew Jane would feel terrible about it and…and I was afraid of what this would all mean for our relationship. I just wanted to forget about it and I was grateful that he wasn't angry with me…and agreed that we would just move on like it never happened."

"But that proved impossible," Sophie pointed out.

Lisbon let out a long breath and nodded. "Three weeks later I realized I was late. I panicked, took two pregnancy tests and they both came back positive. I still didn't really believe it until my doctor confirmed it."

"How did you feel?"

"Terrified, I never really thought I would have kids. I didn't know what to do, especially since it was far from a good situation." She glanced at Jane. "I was scared but I thought… I knew Jane had been a father before, I thought maybe he would know what we should do."

Jane looked a little surprised by that statement…and guilty.

"That is why you told him," Sophie inferred, "you wanted his advice."

Lisbon nodded. "I thought he could help me figure out what I wanted…I guess he did."

"In what way?"

"When he told me to have an abortion I realized that was not what I wanted in the least. I wanted to protect my child…I wanted to be a mom."

Sophie nodded. "What did you feel when Jane told you he didn't want the baby?"

Lisbon took in a deep breath; fighting the pain these memories brought her. "I was in shock. I never expected him to give me an ultimatum like that, to tell me that the baby was a mistake. Then I was furious, I hit him and stormed out. Later…later I calmed down and was more sad than anything. I assumed that when he had time to think about it that he would realize he wanted the baby too and would be there for me." She shook her head, looking away from both of them, "I never thought he would abandon me like he did."

She felt a sudden urge to cry but did what she could to hold the tears back. This was difficult; she'd never actually been able to really express her feelings before.

"How did you feel?"

Lisbon glanced up at Sophie, a part of her wanted to just walk out and avoid this conversation all together. But Jane leaned closer to her and said gently. "Be honest, Lisbon."

She looked over to see that he was completely serious. Like always she saw the guilt in his eyes but also determination. He really wanted to hear all of this.

"I felt worthless. Like he hated me because I was going to have his baby. No one had ever made me feel so guilty for saving a life before…I felt helpless. I wanted to fix this, I wanted to make him happy but I couldn't do what he asked me. All I wanted was for him to look at me but he couldn't even give me that measure of peace." Now she did let a few tears spill down her cheeks, unable to keep up the strength she needed to stop them.

Sophie reached over and handed her a box of tissues that Lisbon accepted so she could dab at her eyes. "Patrick said you were persistent, that you refused to believe he didn't want the baby."

"I kept hoping he would come around," Lisbon admitted.

"You weren't angry that he was being so harsh?"

She shook her head. "Not then…I thought…I thought I was getting what I deserved."

Both Sophie and Jane were confused by that statement. "What?" Jane asked, compelling her to meet his eyes.

Lisbon stared at him for a minute before finally confessing. "I thought it was a just punishment for sleeping with a married man."

Jane was clearly stunned by that statement. He gaped at her for a minute and then shook his head. "That's not true, Lisbon."

"I know that technically it isn't," Lisbon clarified, "but emotionally…"

"No," Jane cut in, "you didn't make me betray my wife."

"Jane…"

"No, that might have been true once but I haven't felt really married for a long time, before we slept together. Even if it were, we both know _I_ was the one who was in control that night, not you. It was my fault." Jane pointed out firmly, "I don't want you to feel guilty for this…especially when I don't."

Lisbon shook her head. "How can you say that? You've always been faithful to her…unless it's to get to Red John."

"You aren't Lorelei."

"Exactly," Lisbon replied, "sleeping with me gave you nothing but guilt."

"No," he corrected with her, "we got a child from it. I don't feel guilty for Alaina. I don't feel guilty for sleeping with you."

"You regretted it."

"Because I dishonored _you_."

She sat there stunned for several moments, staring at him. He talked about hurting _her_, betraying _her_, not his wife. It was the exact opposite of what she'd always assumed. She slowly shook her head. "I just can't believe that…not now…not with how you treated me."

Sophie had remained mostly silent during their exchange. Now she leaned forward, carefully studying Lisbon. "You've been carrying a lot of anger with him."

Lisbon turned to look at the other woman, frankly having forgotten that she was there. She numbly nodded her head. "I gave up. I stopped hoping he would be there for me. He was a coward and selfish."

"He changed his mind."

"Yes he did," Lisbon said sarcastically, "hooray! It was so nice knowing that I went through nine months of hell for no reason."

"Is that what you truly believe?"

Lisbon sighed and shook her head. "I don't know. I don't know what to believe anymore. I thought he would be there for me…then he wasn't. I thought was going to have to do it all alone…and now I don't. I have no idea what I'm supposed to think now."

Sophie nodded. "Do you believe that Patrick loves your daughter?

She thought about it for a moment. "Yes, he loves Alaina. I believe that now."

"Do you believe that he will abandon you again?"

Again there was hesitation. "No, I don't think he'll leave. He loves her too much."

"That is quite a transition from your anger earlier," Sophie pointed out.

"Jane has done a lot since Alaina's birth," Lisbon admitted, "He helped me out when I was on bed rest, he's been patient and understanding. He let me set the rules and he followed them…for the most part. Mostly it's been time though…seeing him with our daughter has convinced me that this isn't a phase or just a passing interest."

Jane relaxed a little at that and she turned to give him a very small smile. There, she'd confessed it to someone else that she believed in him. That he loved Alaina and wouldn't hurt her.

"But have you forgiven him?"

She tensed at the question and was quiet for a very long time. Jane had done so much since Alaina was born. She couldn't forget how he helped her up the stairs, checking on her throughout the day when she was bed ridden. He'd stood up with her in a church, letting her pledge their daughter's soul to a god he didn't believe in and then accepted it when her brother hit him. He'd stood in her living room and sweetly sang their daughter to sleep, doing anything he could just to make her smile.

She remembered all of that…but she couldn't forget the pain either. The pain of crying every night because her child wouldn't have a father. How small she felt every time he walked away without a glance, even when she begged just for him to look at her. His words like a knife through her heart when he told her coldly: _"You came here to tell me and you have. And I told you what I wanted. I want you to get rid of this _mistake_."_

Lisbon closed her eyes as tears seeped from them, spilling down her cheeks and then she shook her head. "No. I haven't forgiven him."

She didn't look at Jane, knowing he must have felt some pain to know that all of his efforts the past three months hadn't done enough. Sophie didn't react at all, but turned her eyes on Jane. "You are not surprised."

Jane shook his head. "No, she told me herself why she couldn't forgive me."

Lisbon nodded. "I need to know why…I need to know what made him turn into a monster."

"That is why Patrick started these sessions, he said he wanted to know why because he knew that he needed to earn back your trust."

She drew in a sharp breath. "Have you?"

Sophie didn't answer, turning her gaze back to Jane. "Patrick, perhaps you should start."

He took a deep breath and let it out, calming himself before turning to look at her. "Sophie and I have been trying to figure out why I did what I did. The important thing we learned was that I…I was in denial."

Lisbon stared at him, wondering what he could be talking about. She didn't speak, just let him continue. "I was denying what I felt for you and our child, denying that I truly wanted the baby. I pushed myself so hard that I…I didn't even know how I really felt."

"What are you saying?"

He made sure he held her gaze. "I loved Alaina…before she was born. From the moment you told me you were pregnant actually."

She gaped at him and then shook her head quickly. "No…no you told me to get an abortion. You said—."

"I know," Jane told her quickly, "and at the time I really believed it. I believed that I didn't want her, that I couldn't love her. But the truth was that I already did."

Lisbon stared at him; she covered her hands with her eyes and shook her head again. "This doesn't make sense. If you loved her then why did you…?" She couldn't finish the words.

"I was afraid."

"You've said that—."

"I was afraid for you."

She heard his words but it took her a second to comprehend them. "What?"

Jane sighed heavily. "Red John is watching me, he will hurt the people I care about. I have known this for a long time. I've always feared he would go after you…and then you were carrying my child." He looked at her gravely. "I had to protect you…the only way to do that was to not care about you or the baby. I had to push you both away."

Lisbon blinked once…twice, staring down at the tissue crumpled in her hands. "You…pushed us away?"

"Unconsciously, yes," Jane explained, "I didn't want to lose another child to Red John. I still don't. But at the time I knew the only way to do that was to not love her…so I made myself believe I didn't."

"Because of Red John?"

"Yes."

Lisbon sat there in stunned disbelief for a very long time. The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock and her heavy breathing. She was gasping for air as the thoughts whirled around her.

"Of course," Lisbon said, her voice was soft but with an edge. "It always comes down to him."

Jane eyed her and quickly realized she was not taking this as well as he'd hoped. "Lisbon…"

"No, Jane. Do you really think I'm this stupid? That I would fall for this line _again_?" She glared at him. "Everything you do, every crappy decision that blows up in my face…it's always the same excuse. Red John. You think that will make it all better? It _doesn't_!"

He was calm still when he told her. "It's the truth."

"Bull shit."

Sophie held up a hand. "Teresa, it's all right."

"No, no it's not," Lisbon said quickly. "I'm so _sick_ of every part of our lives revolving around that monster. I'm _tired_ of forgiving you for the same thing. Every time you hurt me it's for _him_. To catch _him_. You lie to me, get me fired, disappear for six months…all to find _him_." She shook her head. "Not this time. You didn't tell me to get an abortion to catch Red John. You didn't ignore me for nine months, make me feel like I was _nothing_ and completely disown our child to catch that monster! You did it because you are nothing but a coward and now you think that telling me that it's okay! You loved her from the beginning, that'll make everything all better!"

She shook her head. "Things are different this time, Jane. I'm smart enough to not believe your lies."

Lisbon quickly grabbed her purse and stormed out of the office, not caring that Jane had been her ride. She'll take the bus or call a cab, it didn't matter, she just had to get out of there.

She made it out of the building, her chest heaving and side aching when she realized she'd actually walked several blocks. Then she heard it, the same soft choking sound she'd heard almost every night for nine months.

Jane made her cry once again.

* * *

_It took a few days for Lisbon to slowly get back on her feet, she'd been chafing at her mandatory bed rest the whole time, not just because she was now entirely dependant on Jane but also because she wasn't one to just lie around all day. The first step towards independence that she took was getting up out of bed in the middle of the night to feed Alaina, beating Jane to the punch. He'd been surprised to see her up, insisting that she go back to bed but he didn't fight her much when she pointed out the fact that she really was fine._

_ Next was making her way downstairs. Jane really wasn't happy about that, especially since she tried to navigate the stairs alone. Lisbon had been in for a surprise as well, stumbling upon Jane quietly holding their child. She'd wondered if that was something he did a lot, keeping Alaina a few extra minutes for himself before bringing the baby to see her. She didn't know how to feel about that idea, instead she chose to remain silent on the issue._

_ Jane pushed for her to go back to bed but she refused. Insisting that she could rest just as easily on the couch than in her bed and this had the added entertainment of television. He didn't argue the point after that, the only thing he insisted was helping her up and down the stairs the next couple of days. _

_ It was a week after the accident that Lisbon had her follow up appointment with her doctor and Alaina's pediatrician. One of the first things she asked was if it was necessary for bed rest to continue. Lisbon actually smiled when her doctor informed her that while she shouldn't look forward to any 5-K runs at the moment, she was definitely well enough to get back to her normal routine. Those were the words she'd wanted to hear; now she wouldn't have to depend on anyone, especially Jane._

_ But it was more difficult then she thought it would be, telling Jane that his assistance wasn't required anymore. She couldn't say why but she didn't think it was because she actually wanted him there; no it had more to do with a small bit of fear that she would be left alone with an infant. Another part of her wanted to hope that Jane's behavior around Alaina wasn't false, that he really did want to be her father._

_ Still the part of her that resented him for how he treated her during her pregnancy was bigger than any other feeling she had._

_ "My doctor said that I'm doing better," Lisbon told him, her voice was a bit wooden._

_ But Jane simply nodded; he was holding Alaina, trying to unbutton her onesie that she'd spit up all over. "So you said."_

_ He didn't get that hint. "Alaina is doing fine too."_

_ "Of course she is," Jane replied, leaning over to kiss the baby's cheek, "she takes after her mother."_

_ That touched her, just a little but it did fill her with a small amount of warmth. Not enough to make her change her mind. "Jane," she began gently and then waited for him to finally meet her eyes. "I think you should go."_

_ She could tell he was surprised and a bit disappointed, it was strange that the man who knew everything didn't seem to know when he wasn't welcome here. "Are you sure?"_

_ Lisbon nodded. "My doctor said that I can get back to my normal routine and I don't need you helping me up and down the stairs anymore."_

_ "And Alaina? Don't you think you'll need some help taking care of a newborn?"_

_ "I was already planning to do it alone," she reminded him, "I know what I'm doing."_

_ Jane looked more than a little lost at the moment. His gaze turned towards the baby and then back at Lisbon, as if searching for some way to convince her otherwise. Well she wasn't going to budge on this._

_ He picked Alaina up, holding her against his chest. "She needs to be changed."_

_ "I'll do it," Lisbon said, "This way you can pack." She didn't give him much of a choice, taking Alaina from his arms before he could change his mind._

_ She didn't turn to look at him as she carried the baby up the stairs to the nursery. Alaina was cooing softly, not bothered in the least while her mother laid her on the soft changing table. Lisbon tried not to think about the man downstairs while she changed her daughter's diaper but she kept seeing Jane's sad eyes as she took their daughter from his arms._

_ "I'm doing the right thing," she said, knowing that telling this to her week-old daughter was slightly silly. "I know you like him but you don't know what he did to me when I was pregnant."_

_ Alaina gurgled and waved her little arm._

_ "He didn't even want you," Lisbon continued, "he told me again and again that you were a mistake, that I had to get rid of you. He wouldn't talk to me when I refused and let me go through everything alone and now he just suddenly changes his mind? I can't accept that. He'll hurt me again or worse, he'll hurt you."_

_ Lisbon reached down and picked her daughter up, nuzzling her cheek. "I won't let him hurt you, I promise. The best thing for you is to keep him away."_

_ Alaina yawned loudly and blinked a couple of times. Lisbon smiled and rocked her a couple of times in her arms until the baby began to drift off a little. She was getting sleepy and it was about time for her nap anyways._

_ After a few more minutes she carried the baby back downstairs and saw that Jane was finishing up his packing, not that he'd brought many belongings to begin with. Lisbon walked past him to set the baby gently down in her bassinet. Only then did she turn to look at him. "My maternity leave won't be over for another six weeks, Cho's going to keep me informed on the team."_

_ "I know."_

_ She nodded and folded her arms against her chest. "I'll see you later, Jane." She was purposefully being vague, not intending to see Jane in any context outside of work ever again. This arrangement was over and it was what he had wanted for months, right? No involvement whatsoever._

_ Jane nodded his head too and when he turned towards the door she actually breathed a sigh of relief. He would be gone and everything would be as it was supposed to be._

_ But then he stopped and set his bag down. "No."_

_ Lisbon gaped up at him. "No?"_

_ He shook his head. "I can't leave like this."_

_ She gave him a hard look. "So what? You think are just going to move in? Because that's not going to happen."_

_ Jane simply met her eyes with a somber gaze. "I can't leave."_

_ "You're not welcome here, Jane," she finally spelled it out._

_ "I know that," Jane told her, "but I know that if I walk out that door then I will never see her again." He looked at her meaningfully, "That was your intention wasn't it?"_

_ Lisbon didn't say anything but turned her eyes to the floor. She knew there was no point in denying it, not when he could see the truth with just one look. Finally she looked up at him again. "You can't stay, Jane."_

_ He stepped towards her. "Lisbon, I need you to let me see her."_

_ "You _need_?" Lisbon began icily. "This is about what _you_ need? What about me? What about when _I needed you_? I needed you when I was throwing up every five minutes. I needed you when I was scared out of my mind when I was trying to figure out how the hell I was going to do this. I needed you and you told me _no_, you said that you wanted _nothing_ to do with either one of us. So what the hell gives you the right to tell me what _you need_?"_

_ Jane stood there and took her poisonous words with as much dignity as anyone could muster when their sins were being thrown in their face. His eyes were big and sad when he met her gaze again. "I know. I know you needed me and I wasn't there, but please…please Teresa don't make the same mistakes I did. Give me the chance to prove to you that I'm not going to turn my back on you or her again."_

_ She groaned. "I gave you a thousand chances, give me one good reason why I should give you one more?"_

_ "Because this time I promise you that I will take it," Jane assured her. He took another step forward, placing both hands on her shoulders to force her to look him in the eyes. "Please, please let me be able to see my daughter."_

_ Lisbon wrenched herself away from him and turned her back on him. She rubbed her temples as she tried to think about what to do here._

_ Jane didn't deserve to see Alaina, after everything he'd said and done, he had no right to be a part of her life._

_ But she had spent nine months begging him, hoping that he would change his mind. Here he was offering her what she wanted but she couldn't trust it. She had given up on him…it seemed too late._

_ Maybe it was…maybe. _

_ She also knew that she didn't want Alaina to grow up without a father…even if the father was Jane._

_ Lisbon turned around to look at him giving him a very hard look. "All right, this is my offer." Jane straightened up and his eyes filled with hope. "You can come over and see her, but it will _not_ be just every time you feel like it. You will call me first and I will let you know if it is okay. You _will_ respect my decision. I maintain the power to change these rules if I decide so and they will remain in affect until I trust you will not change your mind." She kept her eyes level with his. "Do you accept this?"_

_ Jane was quiet for a minute before saying. "I don't see how I have much of a choice."_

_ "You do," Lisbon reminded him, "you can do what you said you would and walk out that door. But _if_ you are serious about seeing Alaina then this is how it is going to be."_

_ He was quiet again before nodding his head. "Then I'll do it, because I know that when you see I'm serious then you will change your mind."_

_ "We'll have to see about that," Lisbon told him, making it clear that she didn't believe him._

_ Jane smiled softly at her. "Thank you, Lisbon."_

_ She stiffened but simply gave him a small nod. She didn't move from her spot until he finally picked up his bag again and walked away, giving her one last smile._

_ Then he was gone._

_ She collapsed on the sofa with a long sigh. Lisbon couldn't believe what she had just agreed to. Jane would be coming over to see his child, or so he said. He'd said he wouldn't be involved…now he'd changed his mind. Now she was simply waiting for him to change it back._

_ But a part of her still hoped that maybe…just maybe…he wouldn't._

* * *

The team knew Lisbon was in a fine rage just from the way she marched back into the office. They watched as she flung open her office door and stalked inside, not looking at anyone. For a while the only sound was things being slammed around on her desk. After a minute it was the stapler being slapped down so hard that it was a wonder that she didn't break it. They all knew something was wrong but none of them had any real idea what it could be thought they all had a feeling of who the culprit behind it was.

Lisbon was stapling her files together, organizing all of the reports. It didn't have to be done but she was in a fury and thwacking the stapler onto the papers felt damn good. She wished it was Jane she was hitting, now that would have made her feel even better.

The truth was she wasn't sure why she was mad at him. That the root of his behavior stemmed from Red John, she could believe that easily. That wasn't anything new. Everything Jane had ever done was all about Red John, it was something she had accepted a long time ago and part of the reason why she'd long since decided to never pursue her feelings for him. She didn't want to compete with a faceless monster. Now she really didn't want to share her child with those ghosts either.

But it was the idea that Jane had the gall to say he loved Alaina before she was born, that was something Lisbon just could not believe. He loved her now, there was no doubt in her mind there, but how could he claim that he loved their child when he told her get rid of it?

She slapped the stapler on more time before searching around for another pile of papers. "What did Jane do now?" Lisbon looked up to see Cho standing in her doorway with his typical impassive stare.

"Nothing unusual," Lisbon declared, slapping a pen down on her desk, "just normal Jane. Spoon feeding me garbage and expecting me to eat it." Cho wasn't fazed by her colorful expression, that was fine, he could just stand there. She rose from her desk in an attempt to diffuse her anger. "I don't know what I was thinking letting this happen, I walked right into it. It's all my fault really."

She sighed and tossed a file aside. "I should have told him to catch a cab that night, I never should have driven him home. I definitely shouldn't have slept with him." Lisbon looked up at Cho with a bitter smile. "The worst part is that I can't regret it. How can I wish it never happened when I have a daughter because of it?" She groaned. "And now…now I'm stuck with him because he is the father of my child…and I can't keep them apart." She said the last bit with some wistfulness, she didn't want to separate Jane and Alaina…she just didn't know how to separate her feelings either.

Cho remained calm, letting her rant for several minutes. "What happened?"

Lisbon shook her head. "Jane said the reason why he treated me like shit during my pregnancy was what else? Red John. He said he pushed me and the baby away because he was afraid Red John would hurt us, that he wanted to protect us so much that he actually convinced himself that he didn't care about Alaina. But the truth is that he loved her from the beginning." Lisbon turned around to face Cho. "Can you believe that?"

"Yeah."

She gaped at him. "What?"

Cho shrugged. "He's telling you the truth."

"How could you possibly know that?" He didn't say anything but gave her a look, as if that was supposed to answer her question. "I was there every day, waiting and hoping for him to change his mind. I would have noticed if there was _something_ that suggested he actually gave a damn about the baby."

"It's hard to see when you are doing everything you can to not look at him," Cho stated.

She stared at him for a long time. "What are you talking about?"

"I saw a few things," he replied, "and I knew he cared more than he was letting on."

"Like what?"

Cho stepped a little closer. "How do you think Jane found out you were having a girl?"

Lisbon frowned as she thought about that question. "I don't know, I just assumed he overheard me talking about it or something."

He shook his head. "I caught him rifling through Van Pelt's desk, looking through the stuff she'd set aside to show you about the nursery."

"He did that?"

Cho nodded. "He'd watch you when you weren't looking. Every time we talked about you and the baby…he was listening, you just didn't notice."

She was quiet, letting herself process what Cho was telling her. "But it's Jane, he always does things like that. It doesn't mean he cared."

Cho just stared at her. "What do you think happened to your sonogram?"

"My sonogram?"

"The one you lost."

Oh yes, the sonogram she'd spend all day searching for on her hands and knees. She'd settled for a copy since they never had found it. But what did that have to do with Jane? "You know what happened to it?"

Cho nodded his head.

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Lisbon climbed the stairs to Jane's attic with purpose. She couldn't help but remember the last time she did this was to tell him that she was pregnant, things spiraled downward after that. This time she wasn't here to tell him anything, she was on a mission.

His attic was empty and sparse, just like it always was. She noted that it was dirtier than she remembered; she couldn't remember the last time he'd disappeared up here actually. Apparently he hadn't found the need to mope in private after Alaina's birth.

A stack of books was on the makeshift table and she headed for it. She picked up one leather bound book but there was nothing. Then she picked up a thick copy of Shakespeare's plays and there, nestled between the first page and the cover was her sonogram.

Lisbon remembered everything about the day she'd gotten this. She'd sat there for thirty minutes watching her baby on the monitor, hearing her heart beat, seeing her move her little hand. She'd loved the image because it perfectly showed her face and her hand as if she were waving. She'd thought that it was gone, lost in a shuffle of folders and files.

"I stopped by your office." Lisbon turned around to see that Jane was standing in the doorway, a look go somberness on his face, as if he was finally laying all of his cards on the table. "I stopped by your office to ask if we had a case…and it was just sitting there on your desk." She looked down at the sonogram in her hand and then back up to him, he stepped a few feet closer. "The next thing I knew it was in my hand…I don't even remember picking it up, suddenly it was there. Then I was walking up to my attic and staring at it. I didn't know why…but I didn't want to give it back."

He walked up to her so he was standing directly in front of her; he reached out and gently ran his fingertips over the edge of the sonogram, brushing against her fingers in the process. "I would stare at it for hours until I had ever curve of her face memorized. I'd imagine what she would look like, which one of us she would take after, what kind of person she'd grow up to be."

Jane sighed now. "But mostly I'd tell myself that I had no reason to have this, no reason to think about her. It was best if I had no part in her life."

Lisbon looked up from the sonogram, tears filling her eyes as she met his. "Why didn't you say anything?"

He shook his head. "It never crossed my mind that my actions were defying what I was thinking. In hindsight…it's so obvious. But my judgment was clouded by bitter terror and I simply could not see what was right in front of me."

She brushed away some tears that were spilling down her cheeks. "Because you didn't want Red John to hurt her."

He nodded. "It's unavoidable, you and I know he watches me. Do you really believe he could pass this up? The only way to keep you safe was to deny what I was feeling."

"But then you stopped," Lisbon pointed out, "when she was born…"

A look of wonder came over his face and a small smile turned up the corners of his lips. "I'm a very good liar, Lisbon but even I cannot hide my love for my child, not when suddenly she was there, this beautiful little baby so new and fresh."

"Then why hide it in the first place?"

"It was unconsciously done," Jane reminded her, "but I wasn't thinking rationally. I was selfish, believing that I could keep you safe at the expense of hurting you."

"You did hurt me," Lisbon agreed, "I'd never felt worthless before until then. You don't know what it was like to have the one person you think you can depend on…just walk away. Do you have any idea how many hours I spent crying because of you? I was so afraid…terrified that I was going to have to raise our daughter _alone._ Can you imagine trying to figure out what say to your daughter when she was old enough to ask why her father wasn't around? I…I thought it was all my fault…that you hated me for loving my own baby."

She began to cry again, hard choking cries that she'd done so many times over the past year. But this time Jane was there. He pulled her into his arms and settled her against his chest. "I'm sorry," he told her again, "I'm so sorry."

Lisbon continued to cry. "If it's Red John then what will you do? Are you going to leave me again?"

Jane pulled back and cupped her face so she was forced to meet his eyes. "I will _never_ leave you or Alaina ever again."

"But Red John…"

"When he strikes I will be waiting," Jane told her calmly, "but for the first time in ten years I refuse to let him keep me from living my life, from finding some happiness. You were right, Lisbon. I'm not going to let Red John be a part of this; I won't let this ruin what I have with Alaina. I promise."

She sniffle a little and maintained her gaze, tears still seeping from her eyes and spilling onto Jane's fingertips where he still had his hand on her cheek. "It doesn't change what you did. It doesn't change the fact that you broke me. It was a stupid thing to do, stupid, selfish and wrong. Just because you did this protect us doesn't make it right."

There was a pause as she took a breath, two more tears spilled down her cheeks before she told him very softly.

"But it does make it forgivable."

Lisbon lost the slim hold she had on her emotions and she began to cry once more, burying her face in his chest. Jane held her close, grateful for the chance to comfort her like he should have done and sorry for all of the tears she'd shed for him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair, "I'm sorry."

She caught her breath as she still sobbed. But then she managed to say the three words that mattered most.

"I forgive you."

* * *

A/N: Whew! It took Lisbon long enough to get to this point but I hope you guys enjoyed it.

In the next chapter you'll see Jane and Lisbon take steps to share custody of Alaina but Grace isn't so happy about it. Things get interesting when a case brings in Brett Stiles who has his own interest in Jane and Lisbon's baby. In the flashbacks Lisbon tries to take care of Alaina on her own as Jane adjusts to realizing he might not see his daughter as much as he wants.

Please review!


	11. Fresh Start

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: I know I know! I took forever to update this one but I have my reasons, I went out of town, I got caught up working on Lavinia (one more chapter before that story is finished!) and then on my new collab with Steele Simz so I do apologize for the wait on this one but it is extra long to make up for it LOL I hope you guys like this one. I know some people are wondering about flashbacks so I'll explain: yes they will continue. For one, I always intended to continue them until we catch up with where chapter 1 began! And for another there is a lot more I want to tell with the flashbacks, that includes Alaina's christening when Lisbon's brother meets Jane! Come on, you guys have got to want to see that!

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous**: Relax, here is is! LOL

**Mimi:** LOL I did it! Here it is! LOL

**Sheila's Pets:** Awww thanks, I wanted to write a different kind of baby fic and I think I succeeded. Oh Lisbon is going to fight her feelings, technically she already is. She doesn't want to be hurt like that ever again. No, Jane never doubted that Alaina was his daughter. If you recall in the first chapter in the flashback he did ask if the baby was his when she told him she was pregnant, but he already knew. She hadn't been seeing anyone so really it had to be Jane's.

**Kinzell Brighton:** Brett Stiles is here LOL as for Josh, you'll see him next chapter. Lila will come back a couple of chapters later to stir the pot up even more! LOL you'll see.

**Brenda McLovin:** Okay here it is! LOL

**Brando:** I'm updating it now! LOL No I didn't bail on this one, I got focused on Lavinia because I am ALMOST done with it and my collab with Steele Simz is heating up because I do need to work on that with her. But this one isn't going anywhere, I still work on it alot. But this month was crazy with my own life.

**Jessica:** I missed her too, so here she is!

**Anonymous:** It was actually fun to write Jane being a twat, I'm thinking about writing another one with him like that LOL

**Sabrina:** I don't know but I'm glad you get so invested in this story!

**Anonymous:** Red John won't be in this fic but I have plans to address him in the epilogue. You'll see jealous Jane next chapter

**CB:** The flashbacks will continue until we come full circle, meaning I plan to keep presenting flashbacks to the end and they will lead up to where this story started off. I think my final one will be when Lisbon leaves to go the bar and Jane decides to follow her if you see what I mean. There is a lot left to tell including Alaina's christening and Lisbon taking Alaina to Chicago to meet her family.

**Anonymous:** You'll see what gets Grace to come around

**Merylin:** Awwww I'm so glad you like this fic! You hit the nail on the head with why I wrote the fic this way. I almost told it linerally with Lisbon's pregnancy but I realized then I would have whole chapters with Jane being a jerk, it would be so difficult to forgive him if you can't see that in the end he will change. More than that, telling the story this way gives you a whole new perspective to Lisbon's feelings. Like her, you see how Jane was before and how he is now, your both angry and in love with him. I thought about having Jane sleep with Lila to emphasize how detached is from Lisbon, but I realized that was unforgivable and I needed Jane to be redeemed. Nothing else really would have changed except Jane's actions with Lila would have been much worse, I think him kissing her was better.

* * *

Chapter 11: Fresh Start

It was early Sunday afternoon when Jane called to ask to see Alaina and once again Lisbon said yes. It might not have been as surprising this time because every night since Lisbon had uttered the words "I forgive you" she'd let him come over and see their daughter. She was sitting on the floor with Alaina; her daughter was on her stomach batting at the lights that glowed in time to the music _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_. "Having fun, baby girl?" Lisbon asked lying down so she was eye level with her baby.

Alaina grinned as soon as she saw her mother's face and reached out to grab her nose. Lisbon laughed, "Yep, it's Mommy!"

A knock at the door interrupted the moment but Lisbon smiled happily. "Come on, sweetheart." She scooped Alaina up off the floor and padded over to the door. "Hey," she greeted Jane with a smile, "Guess who's excited to see you."

"Just Alaina? Well I'm hurt," Jane teased.

She rolled her eyes but smiled again. "It is good to see you."

"You too," Jane agreed and then leaned in to give her a quick peck on the cheek. Lisbon was a bit startled by that but didn't turn away. It was just a way to greet her, nothing more.

He reached over to take Alaina into his arms and kissed her cheek as well. "Hello, princess. How are we today?"

"She had her mid-morning nap and just finished up tummy time," Lisbon declared. "Which I guess means it's play time with you."

"Perfect," Jane said plopping down onto the floor that was littered with Alaina's toys. He set her down on her back and Lisbon grinned. "I know you got her to roll over yesterday, you don't need to rub it in."

Sure enough with a little bit of effort Alaina rolled over onto her stomach. Jane looked up at Lisbon and grinned, she smacked his shoulder. "Show off."

He laughed and picked Alaina up to his chest. She was still fascinated by faces and her father's even more so as he clucked his tongue at her, making a goofy expression. Lisbon smiled warmly at Alaina's soft laugh. "Daddy makes the funniest faces doesn't he?" She was a little surprised when she glanced over to see Jane was staring at her. "What?"

Jane was smiling softly. "That was the first time you called me that."

He was right. She had never called him _Daddy_ before. Now it had just slipped out, like a natural thing…like how it was supposed to be.

"Well, that's what you are," she pointed out with a sly grin.

He grinned right back. "That's right."

For a second all they did was smile at one another and Lisbon felt that peaceful moment of happiness. This was how it was supposed to be, exactly what she'd wanted for the past year. She didn't need anything more than Jane being a "daddy" to their little girl.

"Well, now that we've established that," Lisbon said rising to her feet. "Why don't we see if _Daddy_ would like to give Alaina a bath?"

Jane smiled; he struggled to his feet while still holding on to Alaina. "Of course I would."

"Good, then you can get all wet."

A few minutes later Jane and Lisbon were in her small bathroom. Jane was taking off Alaina's clothing while Lisbon set up the little baby tub. "Okay, I'm going to assume you know how to bathe a three month old."

"I did give her sponge baths when she was a week old," Jane reminded her.

"I know," Lisbon said with a smile, "but now that she's holding up her head you'll be able to see her splash around."

He grinned at that comment before setting their naked little girl in the tub. Jane was careful to keep supporting her head and neck but Alaina laughed as soon as she was in the water. She slapped her little hands in the tub, splashing water everywhere.

"She takes after you," Lisbon declared, sitting down on her toilet. "She loves the water."

"That's not a bad thing."

"I can't wait till she's old enough so we can take her to the beach," Lisbon declared, watching happily as Jane grabbed the baby soap and gently washed her skin. "I can see you now, ankle deep in the sand building a sand castle with her. Out in the water with her floaties on, teaching her how to swim."

"You sitting underneath an umbrella on a towel," Jane continued the fantasy, "your skin turning a lovely shade of pink from the sun."

"Hey!"

He grinned. "You have beautiful fair skin, but the sun is not your friend."

"Because I freckle?"

"I like your freckles," Jane told her honestly. "I hope our little girl is as freckle-faced as you are."

Lisbon rolled her eyes and lightly smacked his shoulder. "Stop teasing me."

"I'm not," Jane told her. He was carefully washing Alaina's soft brown hair. "I love that she's turning into a miniature of you."

She smiled softly at that compliment, enjoying the feeling that Jane was happy and proud to have a child with her. "Of course since she looks like you that means she'll act like me."

She glared at him for that comment and smacked his shoulder again. "Don't even think about putting _that_ out there. I can't survive _two_ Janes."

"Well good luck," Jane offered good-naturedly, "But we both know she'll be her father's daughter."

"So I'm just screwed?"

"Yep."

Lisbon laughed and shoved him a little for being the ass he was. Jane finished cleaning up Alaina. She handed him the hooded towel and Jane smiled at it. "Still have the ducky towel I see."

"It's cute," Lisbon defended it.

"I never said it wasn't." Jane wrapped her up in the towel, smiling as his little girl who was now all yellow like a baby duck. "And now little miss Alaina smells clean and fresh, and looks adorably pink."

"Agahgah!" Alaina cooed, clutching his fingers in her hand.

Lisbon smiled at the image. "Go get her dressed, I'll clean up in here." She set about pulling out the tub, draining the water and putting away all of the supplies. It was nice that she got to do this right away, that she had someone to help her out with these little things. She had a partner in this…a partner that was not going to up and leave her.

She made her way out of the bathroom to find Jane bringing a dry and dressed Alaina out of the nursery. "She's clean, full, how long before she falls asleep?"

"Not long," Lisbon admitted, "give her ten minutes and she'll be out like a light for a few hours."

"Warm baths soothe her to sleep," Jane said, "I'll keep that in mind."

They made their way down the stairs to the living room. Lisbon collapsed onto the couch, feeling a little exhausted herself, but it was a good tired. Jane remained upright. Walking around the living room with Alaina in his arms, gently rocking her. Lisbon leaned back, curling up on the sofa just as Jane started to softly sing.

She loved it when he sang, he might not have a record deal but there was something warm and loving in his voice that stirred her. Perhaps it was because he would sing to their daughter, or maybe it was simply because he was Jane. Lisbon just sat back and enjoyed the moment for what it was.

Jane finished his song, kissing Alaina softly before setting her down in the bassinet. Then he walked over and sat down on the couch next to Lisbon, patting her hand lovingly as he settled down. "She's asleep."

"Thanks to Daddy's singing."

Jane smiled at the title, it was clear he was never happier than when he was being referred to as "daddy". His hand was still covering her hand; now his fingers toyed with hers as if he couldn't decide whether or not to hold her hand. "I suppose I should leave."

"Why?" Lisbon asked, sitting up a little.

He met her eyes and shrugged. "She's asleep, usually that's when I go."

"You don't have to do that," Lisbon told him softly, "you can stay."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and smiled at him. "I could make up excuses of chores that need to be done…but the truth is that I'd just like you to stay."

Now he did stop fighting and slipped his fingers through hers. "Really?"

"Yeah," Lisbon explained. "We…went through a lot and now here we are, moving past everything." That was when she remembered something she'd been planning to do. "That reminds me."

Lisbon quickly got to her feet and padded over to her kitchen counter where the object she desired was resting. "What are you doing?" Jane asked, still sitting on the sofa.

"Getting this," Lisbon explained, heading back over to him to drop it in his hand.

A key.

Jane stared at the key for a moment before meeting her eyes, silently asking her a question.

"I…I want you to have a key to my apartment," Lisbon told him honestly. "You are Alaina's father, if something happens or you need to get something…it makes sense that you should have it."

"Well it would make it easier if I don't have to pick your locks."

She rolled her eyes but still smiled at him. "That's one way to put it."

His smile faded as his fingers curled around the key. "Are you sure this is what you want."

She nodded. "Jane…I forgave you, that wasn't easy but I have. Part of forgiveness is moving on and this is what we are doing." Lisbon took in a heavy breath; "The key is a part of that…and a symbol of what else we need to do."

"And that is?"

Lisbon met his eyes. "You don't need to ask permission to see Alaina anymore." Jane sat up a little; she could tell he was excited by that statement. "I'm not saying you can just drop by every time you want, this is still my home and I need _some_ privacy. But…but you don't need to ask me if you can come over and see her. Just call me and let me know that you are coming, that's all I ask."

She watched as his lips twitched into a very soft smile. "Thank you."

"There's more," Lisbon told him and he perked up some more. "I think we should start sharing custody. I talked to Alaina's doctor and she's a little young for overnight visits but in a few months maybe we could start. For now we could set up things on the weekends and you can come over in the evenings, the mornings…whatever works."

"Lisbon," Jane said gently but with a firm edge. "You know I want this, I would love this more than anything but I don't want to push you too fast."

She shook her head. "I kept you guys apart for too long. You needed more time to bond with her in the beginning…but I couldn't let you."

"You didn't trust me."

"No, I didn't," Lisbon said and the truth was she couldn't find a way to fault her for that. "But I do now, I trust you now and that means giving you an equal say in Alaina's life."

"And this is what you want?"

"It's what I want…it's what I always wanted," Lisbon explained, "now we are both finally ready for it."

He studied her for a moment before leaning in to give her a very soft, rather long, kiss on her cheek. "Thank you," he whispered into her ear.

She tried not to think about the affect his gesture had on her. Instead she smiled back at him. "No problem…this is how it was supposed to be. A new start."

Lisbon meant that. This was going to be a new beginning for them as a family. Because that is what they were, one weird, slightly dysfunctional but very real family.

* * *

_Two days after Jane left, Lisbon was still getting used to everything. The days passed by in a sleep-deprived haze as she got used to caring for an infant on her own. Her days had once been filled with paperwork and crime scenes, her nights spent staring at the ceiling and trying to sleep. Suddenly she had to worry about feedings, dirty diapers and catching catnaps while her daughter slept._

_ Grace came over after an early day at work with take out from their favorite Italian restaurant. "Oh thank God! I haven't cooked…well actually I never cook," Lisbon told her with a light laugh, "but I hadn't even thought about eating."_

_ "That's why I'm here, to help out the new mother before she goes out of her mind."_

_ "Oh you are a goddess," Lisbon declared rifling through the cartons of food._

_ Grace laughed lightly and set her purse down. "Where is Alaina?"_

_ "In the bassinet," Lisbon pointed towards the living room. "She just went to sleep which is basically a miracle."_

_ She walked over to coo over the baby for a few minutes, Lisbon loaded up a plate of food before coming over to join her friend. She smiled as Grace continued to babble to the little baby even though she was asleep. Then Grace leaned back to give her another smile. "How are you doing?"_

_ "I'm fine," she said, taking a bit of pasta. "I'm exhausted, but I'm not sore anymore from the surgery, physically I'm okay."_

_ "How is it caring for a baby?"_

_ Lisbon sighed. "Well she barely sleeps, everything I own smells like spit up or poop, I don't sleep, I haven't taken a shower and I'm probably about five minutes away from breaking down…so according to the books I'm good."_

_ Grace looked like she didn't know whether to laugh or to be worried, she settled for a small nervous laugh. "Sounds…hectic."_

_ "It is," Lisbon replied, "But I knew it would be."_

_ "If you need help…"_

_ "Grace, you have an arm in a cast," Lisbon reminded her, "you need to get that better first. Besides…I need to do this on my own."_

_ Grace nodded her head and sighed a little. They might have moved on to other topics, something lighter but Lisbon's phone rang. She sighed and got up off the couch and headed for the kitchen counter where her phone rested._

_ It was Jane. Not much of a surprise there. Lisbon closed her eyes and took in a deep breath before picking up the phone and answering. "Lisbon."_

_ "Hey," Jane said softly, "You okay?"_

_ "I'm fine," Lisbon replied, her tone clipped._

_ He was quiet for a minute; maybe he already knew that tonight was not going to be a good night. Not that any night since he'd left had been a good night. But he still asked…he always did. "Can I see Alaina tonight?"_

_ Lisbon actually shook her head. "Not tonight, Grace is here." She didn't know why she added that, why she felt the need to explain herself._

_ But Jane didn't take that explanation well. "Lisbon, you said I could see her."_

_ "I know I did," Lisbon replied, "but only when I say you can."_

_ "That implies that one day you will."_

_ She was quiet for a minute; it was two days since he'd seen Alaina and she actually felt something akin to guilt when she thought about that. But it wasn't enough to get her to change her mind at the moment._

_ "And I will…just not now."_

_ He was silent again and she heard him sigh. "All right, I'll talk to you later, Lisbon."_

_ "Yeah," she said simply before hanging up the phone. She sighed again before turning around to look at Grace._

_ "Was that Jane?"_

_ She wasn't sure how the other woman knew her that well but it shouldn't have been a surprise. "Yeah," Lisbon replied before collapsing onto the couch._

_ "I wish he hadn't been here last week."_

_ "Yes well Jane made a very persuasive argument that it was the best solution to everything," Lisbon explained grumbling a little, "and we both know he was right." She turned her attention to Grace. "Have you talked to him at work?"_

_ "No," Grace admitted, "none of us really have. We've been working with him but…it's just weird."_

_ "You said he apologized to you guys."_

_ "And that's supposed to make everything better?"_

_ "Of course not," Lisbon agreed, "but…I don't know, I don't know what any of this means and I hate that."_

_ Grace nodded. "What did he call about?"_

_ Lisbon looked down at her hands now. She hadn't told Grace everything, especially not about her new agreement with Jane. "Uh, he…he was very good with Alaina last week."_

_ "I hope so but you did the right thing getting him to leave when he did. Now you and Alaina can get on with your lives."_

_ She looked away again. "He wants to see her."_

_ "What?"_

_ "Jane wants to see Alaina," Lisbon continued, "before he left he asked if he could be a part of Alaina's life…and I said yes."_

_ Grace gaped at her for a long moment. "You're sharing her with _him_?"_

_ "No," Lisbon explained, "he can only come over here and see her when I give him permission, that's it. I can't let him have an active role in her life until I trust him."_

_ "How on earth are you ever going to trust him?"_

_ "I don't know."_

_ "Then why are you letting him do this?"_

_ "Because…because he's Alaina's father and that has to mean something," Lisbon told her, "Because apparently I'm not ready to give up on him yet."_

_ Grace studied her for a very long time. "He treated you terribly."_

_ "I know."_

_ "Do you know why?" Lisbon sucked in a deep breath and then shook her head. "Maybe you should find out before you start trusting him with your child…because what's stopping him from treating you like that again?"_

_ "I don't know," Lisbon admitted, "I don't know."_

* * *

The team was brought in early for a new case, Carson Grant was found dead and the team was called in. The crime scene hadn't been anything special, clearly a dumpsite and no clues yet as to where the actual crime took place. Lisbon went to her office to field some calls while the rest of the team looked up reports and background on the victim, meanwhile Jane relaxed on his couch.

Lisbon rolled her eyes at the familiar visage and decided to do something about that. She marched over to his couch with the file of papers in her hands. "Comfortable?"

"Getting there." Jane replied, he didn't even open his eyes. What did he have to catch up on sleep for? He wasn't taking care of Alaina at three in the morning.

"Are you planning on doing something useful?"

"When it's necessary."

"Good," Lisbon replied, "you can start with this." And then she dropped the file onto his lap.

Jane jumped a little at the sudden object landing on him but he quickly picked up the folder and sat up. "What is this?"

"Lots of wonderful documents full of legal jargon," Lisbon said. She grinned at his look of distaste. "It's everything we need to know to officially share custody of Alaina, that means setting up a parenting plan, agreeing to an amount on child support and a visitation schedule, then you and I get to go to a judge to approve it all."

"Hmmm," Jane mumbled as he thumbed through the papers, "sounds tedious and boring."

"Yes it is," Lisbon agreed, "but if you want to share custody of your child, then we are going to do it."

He made another face but looked back down at the paperwork. "At least this means you won't have an excuse to refuse child support."

"We will agree on an appropriate amount," Lisbon declared, "emphasis on _appropriate_. We'll do the same with the visitation schedule."

"Oh well this'll be fun."

She rolled her eyes. "Tons, there are some examples of schedules in the back but we'll have to make one that suits Alaina now and one for when she's older and can stay the night."

Lisbon looked up to see that the rest of the team was staring at them. "What?"

Rigsby and Cho exchanged glances. "You're sharing custody?" Cho asked.

She met Jane's eyes and then looked back up at them. "Yeah…we are."

"Really?" Grace asked and she did not sound happy.

Lisbon turned to meet her gaze and she nodded. "We're going to make it official, set up a parenting plan and everything." Grace stared at her as if she'd lost her mind.

Rigsby and Cho were obviously happier, but they were still cautious. "You're going to let Alaina spend the night in his hotel room?" Rigsby asked, he looked at Jane with a meaningful glance.

Jane noticed and grinned. "I'm a few steps ahead of you, Rigsby."

"Jane has an apartment," Lisbon explained simply.

Now they were impressed. "Really?" Rigsby asked.

Jane nodded. "It's not much, but a child can't live in a grungy hotel room…she should have her own room."

Cho and Rigsby looked at one another. "We'll have to see this place," Cho told him firmly.

He grinned knowing exactly what they meant. "Sure, we'll have a poker night, Lisbon and Alaina could join us."

She shook her head. "Yeah, babies and poorly lit poker games mix well." She lightly nudged his shoulder. "Just look at the paperwork and we'll discuss this later tonight."

Lisbon made her way back over to her office intent on getting back to work but Grace had other plans. The redhead shot out of her desk and followed Lisbon, closing the door loudly behind them. "You're sharing custody with him?"

Lisbon sighed sitting down at her desk as if nothing was wrong. "That is what I said."

"Why?"

"He's Alaina's father."

"So?"

She raised an eyebrow at Grace's tone. "So that means that he actually has a valid reason to be in her life."

"And you've just forgotten about everything he did to you when you were pregnant?"

"No," Lisbon said calmly. She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms. "I've forgiven him."

Grace gaped at her for a minute. Then she closed her mouth and shook her head, straightening up. "How? Why?…I don't even know how you can forgive something like that. You said that you couldn't forgive him until you knew why he did it."

"Yes, I did," Lisbon continued calmly, "and he finally told me."

"Because he was afraid?" Grace said doubtfully.

"Yes," Lisbon said and then was quiet for a minute. She looked down at her desk as she told her. "It was Red John. Jane was afraid Red John would target me and the baby so he…he convinced himself that he didn't care about either one of us." Now she did look up at Grace. "Don't you see? He loved Alaina from the beginning…he just didn't think he could allow himself to feel it."

Grace stared at her for a very long time. "And you believe that?"

Lisbon nodded. "I do."

"And you are still going to give him custody of Alaina?"

"I'm going to _share_ custody with him," Lisbon corrected, "And since I am Alaina's mother that means I get to decide things like that. Not you."

"Lisbon…"

"No, Grace. You don't get to fight me on this. She is my child and I made this choice. You just have to accept it. You are my friend and Alaina's godmother…but you are the one stepping out of line." Lisbon gave her a very hard look. "Now, we are going to get back to work. Personal time is over."

Grace looked slightly chastened but still very upset. She moved to leave but stopped and turned around when she was in the doorway. "What's going to happen when Red John shows back up? If Jane put him over you and your baby once before…what's stopping him again?"

Lisbon could only stare at Grace as she walked away, unable to stop that tiny seed of doubt from burrowing under her skin.

* * *

Over the years Lisbon had learned to expect anything when running background check on victims, that was not limited to criminal history, previous aliases and more than one sex change. But there was always some surprise or other that she was sure never to see coming.

"I've got something interesting, boss," Rigsby said as he entered her office.

"What is it?"

"Our victim was in contact with a publisher," he explained, "to write a book…apparently it was going to be a tell-all about a cult…"

Lisbon's eyes widened. "Please tell me it's not…"

"Visualize."

She groaned and threw her pen down on her desk. "God dammit."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Once again Jane and Lisbon found themselves having to talk to the one and only Brett Stiles. She was certain that she would feel the need to shower after this just like she always did. The man was a walking talking snake if she ever saw one.

"You think he did it?" Lisbon asked as they made their way through the lovely gardens in front of the main building for Visualize.

"No, he wouldn't dirty his hands like that," Jane replied calmly, "he would bury him some other way. Now one of his followers…"

Lisbon nodded. "He'd protect them."

"Or at least attempt to," Jane agreed, "But not if it was a danger to himself."

"Of course," Lisbon remarked as they walked inside the lobby.

Brett Stiles was waiting for them, Lisbon wasn't really that surprised, Stiles always knew what was going on. "Patrick, Agent Lisbon, it is good to see you both."

She wanted to roll her eyes at that. "That is one way to put it."

Stiles looked her over with that slow smile of his. "I must say, you look marvelous. I'd never guess you just had a child."

Lisbon stiffened at the compliment. "Thanks."

"Though I must say I was disappointed when you returned my gift."

Now it was Jane's turn to look uncomfortable but he hid it rather quickly. She'd completely forgotten that Jane had no idea of Stiles' gift to her. She tried to look politely at Stiles. "It was not appropriate for me to keep it."

"Of course."

They all knew that wasn't true. She really just didn't want to give her child something that came from this man. Jane might believe he wasn't truly capable of murder now…but Lisbon was sure real evilness lurked in his soul.

"Lisbon is not one to accept charity," Jane remarked, keeping his eyes on Stiles.

The man just stared right back with a little smirk. "I must say I am surprised to see you here together, after everything that happened."

Lisbon and Jane exchanged looks but didn't speak for a moment. Neither one of them really liked how much Stiles was revealing. But Jane was the more confident of the pair. "Why are you surprised, Brett?"

Stiles simply smiled knowingly but before he could say anything one of his pretty, young and loyal followers came up. "Mr. Stiles…there's an urgent call for you."

"Ah," he said and looked at them slightly apologetically, "Excuse me."

They watched him go with mixed feelings of relief and revulsion. "That man gets creepier every time we see him."

Jane nodded, still watching Stiles until he turned to look at her. "He got you a gift?"

She scoffed at the memory. "Right after my baby shower, he sent me a white teddy bear."

"And you sent it back?"

"Of course! I didn't want Alaina to have it, God knows what it would do to her."

"It was a stuffed animal, not a bomb."

"So you think I should have kept it?"

"I didn't say that," Jane replied, glancing at Stiles who was still on the phone.

Lisbon looked that way too. "How did he know you are Alaina's father?"

"The same way everyone else does," Jane stated.

They didn't get the time to talk more because Stiles finally returned with the same smug smirk. "I do apologize, important matters and the like."

"I'm sure," Lisbon remarked, deciding it was time to take control of this conversation. "We needed to talk to you about Carson Grant."

"Oh yes…I'd heard. Terrible thing that happened really. I knew him for many years but, sadly, we had something of a falling out."

"He was writing a tell-all book about Visualize," Lisbon reminded him.

"I was aware of his plans though I must say that from what little I know…most of his account was entirely fictional."

Jane smiled now. "Perhaps, but fictional or not some people would believe it…and it would put a black mark on your foundation."

"I choose to believe that most would see how misguided Carson was," Stiles replied calmly, "But, I have to admit that not everyone can easily see the truth."

"It must have been difficult knowing what he planned to do," Lisbon pointed out.

"I did contact him," he admitted, "last week, an attempt to convince him to see reason."

"Let me guess," Jane said playfully, "he told you to go to hell."

"In a slightly less colorful way, yes."

Lisbon took a step forward. "It must be a relief, with his death you don't have to worry about his book anymore."

"All death is tragic, Agent Lisbon," Stiles told her calmly, "This one is no exception." Then he straightened up. "If you don't have any more questions, then I have more pressing matters to attend to."

"We'll be in touch," Lisbon promised, she knew there was more to this story than what Stiles was telling her.

"I'm always willing to help," Stiles replied then gave her a broad smile, "And congratulations again…to the both of you."

Lisbon and Jane watched him leave again. "I hate that guy," Lisbon grumbled as she turned around to leave.

Jane chuckled a little. "I couldn't tell."

"He's creepy, this whole place is creepy, it's like he's the mayor of Stepford."

"Stepford? Really?"

"Look around, everyone smiling and happy in this serenity of calm," Lisbon gestured to a group of students, "It's like _nothing_ bothers them."

"And that's a bad thing? Isn't that what people want, a life without pain?"

"We learn through pain," Lisbon replied, as she opened the car door, "Look at you…look at us. We've been through hell and here we are."

"Can't argue with that," Jane said, sliding into the passenger seat.

She started up the car but tensed as she recalled the conversation with Stiles, the more personal side of it really. "He knows about Alaina."

"I thought you were aware of that when he sent you a gift."

"I mean, he knows that you are Alaina's father," Lisbon reminded him, "And he knows about how you acted during my pregnancy."

"Oh yes, he wasn't very subtle about that."

Lisbon turned her head to look at him. "How did he find out?"

Jane shrugged. "He knows people, maybe in the CBI, certainly higher up. Is it really so surprising that he keeps apprised of me…and you now."

She turned back to the wheel and shook her head. "Great, because you knocked me up I'm on his radar."

"You always were, now you are just more interesting to him."

"That makes me feel so much better."

"I'm just stating the facts," Jane told her calmly.

Lisbon looked at him again, more than a little surprised that he was so calm. Her mind was racing with the possibilities that Stiles knew so much. If he knew… "If Stiles knows…and everyone else knows that means…Red John knows."

"Without a doubt."

She pulled the key out of the ignition; she still hadn't driven out of the parking spot, and gaped at him. "That is all you have to say?"

"You think more needs to be said?"

"Jane, Red John knows that my child is also _your_ child and…and you are just sitting there as if it means nothing."

"Of course its important, of course it is terrifying but it also isn't new information," Jane told her, "Red John knows. If he didn't know when you were pregnant he certainly found out after I announced it to Bertram."

She clutched the steering wheel tightly in her hands as she tried to battle the fear rising in chest. "You said that Red John would come after us…that's why you kept yourself from loving her."

"That is true."

"So…what are you going to do?"

"Nothing," Jane replied, "there is nothing I can do but wait and remain vigilant. I have no doubt that Red John will give me some sign that he is going to strike, he would want to make it that much more exciting."

"And until then?"

"Until then I am not going to let him rule my life," Jane told her, looking into her eyes earnestly. "I love Alaina and I want to be a father to her in every way, Red John is not going to stop that just because he has to play this game. She is far more important to me then anything else on this earth and I'm not going to let my fears keep me from loving her."

Lisbon smiled softly. "I know."

"Good," Jane told her with a smile.

She turned and started the car, finally pulling out of the spot. "He might not come after us," Lisbon pointed out, "If you don't play along he might get bored and stop."

"Yes, perhaps," Jane said but she knew he didn't believe that.

Neither did she.

* * *

_It was hard being back at work, not just because Lisbon was currently on maternity leave, but mostly because Jane desperately wanted to be with his daughter again. He hadn't been ready to leave her or Lisbon but he hadn't been given much of a choice. Now it was going on three days without seeing either one of them, he was beginning to worry that Lisbon was going back on their agreement. Normally her own sense of honor would compel her to keep her word, but perhaps she was angrier with him then he realized._

_ The only perk right now of being alone was he could focus completely on finding an apartment. That was a big priority; if there was any chance of having Alaina in his life he was going to have to prove he was changing for good. Right now he was stressing the need for a good family environment and at least two bedrooms, Alaina would need a nursery._

_ "What the hell are you doing?"_

_ Jane glanced up from his tea to see that Grace had barged into the break room like a woman on a mission. "Nothing."_

_ "What are you doing to Lisbon?" She repeated._

_ He couldn't help but smile now. "Haven't we already had this conversation?"_

_ "I'm serious, Jane. I want to know what game you are playing this time."_

_ "There is no game," Jane assured her, setting down his teacup on the counter. "I am serious about being in Alaina's life."_

_ "You said you didn't want to be."_

_ "I changed my mind."_

_ "I don't believe you."_

_ Jane sighed heavily. "I know you don't, neither does Lisbon but I'm working to prove that I have changed."_

_ Grace shook her head. "You shouldn't be doing this."_

_ "Doing what? Seeing my daughter? She's _my_ daughter."_

_ "You didn't want her."_

_ "I want her now," Jane replied firmly, "I love her, Grace."_

_ "That's what you say now. But you can't just change your mind on a whim."_

_ "I'm not going to change my mind."_

_ "Again," Grace corrected, "Because you already have."_

_ Jane sighed. "I'm correcting a mistake, a truly horrible mistake I made."_

_ "You said the baby was a mistake," Grace pointed out, "you made that very clear. You said you couldn't do it. That you didn't love this baby."_

_ "I was wrong," Jane repeated, "very, _very_ wrong. But Lisbon said she would give me a second chance and I'm going to prove that I'm serious about all of this."_

_ Grace gave him a measured glance and shook her head. "She shouldn't have…you definitely don't deserve it."_

* * *

The case involving Visualize was still heating up and Lisbon was completely caught up in the rush of it. There were a few twists but all roads seemed to lead to the cult that was becoming another bane of her existence, below Jane and Red John. Hmmm maybe after Jane actually, the father of child hadn't been nearly as annoying after Alaina's birth.

"Everything comes back to Visualize," Lisbon reminded them, "he got the phone call that was traced from the college only an hour before he died."

"Stiles has motive," Cho pointed out.

"He didn't do it," Jane replied, "But he probably knows who did."

"What makes you say that?" Lisbon asked. Jane gave her a knowing smile and she glared at him. "What are you thinking?"

"I was thinking…what time does Alaina's daycare close?"

Now Lisbon was really confused. "Seven, why?" But as a reflex she checked her watch and almost choked. "Oh crap!"

Lisbon caught a glimpse of his smile as she ran out of the bullpen to get her car keys so she could pick up her daughter. If she didn't hurry then she would be late and she didn't want to have to pay a late fee…again.

Jane watched her rush out the door with an amused smile. He knew she'd get there in time to pick up Alaina. Perhaps next time he should offer to just go and pick her up himself if a case comes up that she has to stay for.

Rigsby and Cho took the moment to go and get a late dinner from the break room, which left Jane and Grace alone for the first time all day. She'd been sending him pointed looks all day, ever since Lisbon declared that they were going to share custody of Alaina. Jane knew that she was upset; it was no secret that Grace was the last hold out and vehemently proud of it.

"Go on, Grace. Stop staring at me and just say what you will."

She glared at him but he knew she was finally going to le the frustrations out. "I'm not sure if anything more needs to be said."

"You aren't happy that Lisbon has agreed to share custody with me."

Grace gave him a look that seemed to say 'no shit'. "She told me she forgave you."

"But you haven't."

"Why should I?" Grace asked, "After everything that you did…it's not forgivable, Jane."

He nodded in understanding. "I'm grateful Lisbon disagrees."

"She shouldn't."

Jane wasn't sure how he felt about that pronouncement. "Why do you think that? I'm curious; you were not the one I hurt. If she can forgive me then why can't you?"

"Because I was there, Jane. I was there when she was freaking out because she had no idea how to take care of a baby. She came to me and cried every single time you would ignore her. I took her to Lamaze class and her doctor's appointments and to the baby stores while _you_ stayed up in your attic and got drunk," Grace explained, she was in full on take-no-prisoners mode. "I was doing your job, I was more of a father to Alaina then you."

She was stating some irrefutable facts and weeks ago Jane would have let her yell at him without complaint, mostly because he deserved the punishment. He still did, but now he wasn't going to apologize for doing what he wanted to now. He might not deserve a second chance but he was damn well going to take it.

"But you're not her father," Jane pointed out calmly, "she's not your child. She's mine…mine and Lisbon's."

"But you—."

"No, Grace," he told her shaking her head, "It can't be changed, no matter what you say. I am Alaina's father, not you. The only person who has a say in this is Lisbon."

She was staring at him as if she couldn't quite believe he was saying these things to her. Maybe it was a surprise, perhaps she'd gotten used to him just taking it.

"You're her godmother and I'm not disputing that place in her life. But stop trying to take care of Alaina and Lisbon. It's not your job anymore," Jane said firmly, "It's mine."

He didn't give her the chance to reply, just stood up from his couch to get some tea.

This time he had the last word.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

In the end Lisbon got to the daycare center two minutes before seven and was able to pick up a very cheerful Alaina. Her little girl always seemed to be excited when she got to spend the evening at the CBI. Maybe it was because every time she came in it was like she was the only baby that ever existed. Unfortunately that didn't meant Alaina was a convenience, she had to watch her baby at the same time keeping an eye on the case. She was grateful that everyone was more than willing to help her out, especially Jane who loved taking care of her while she kept following Grant's paper trail.

Rigsby was looking into the unlisted number that showed up repeatedly on Grant's call history while Cho and Jane talked to one of the "sources" that Grant had in his book. Jane was intrigued by the manuscript, maybe hoping to glean more secrets about the cult. Lisbon didn't really care, but it did mean that Jane had to give her back Alaina for an hour.

That was okay, she could work on reports while he was gone and Alaina could entertain herself by dozing in her carrier. These kinds of moment gave Lisbon a certain kind of contentedness that she hadn't felt before. She was doing it, actually doing it, being a mom and a CBI agent at the same time.

And she thought she was doing a damn good job.

Her phone rang and Lisbon picked it up, sighing when she saw Bertram's number. "Lisbon."

"I want an update on the Grant case."

"Now?"

"Yes, come see me in my office."

Lisbon glanced over at her daughter's character and bit her lip. "My baby is here, can't we do this over the phone?"

"No," Bertram said, sounding pretty annoyed now. "The CBI isn't a daycare center, what is she doing there in the first place?"

"Daycare is closed for the night, sir," Lisbon explained simply.

"Then leave her with her father."

Lisbon sighed, ordinarily that would have been an easy solution. "Uhh…well, that's…"

"This is an order, Agent. Not a request."

Dammit why did he have to be so obstinate today? Of course any goodwill she'd ever gotten from him was lost the moment Jane announced she'd had his baby. So really this was all Jane's fault. "Jane is interrogating a suspect right now," Lisbon told him, a little snippy, "should I leave my baby there?"

"Why is Jane doing an interrogation? And please tell me someone is with him."

"Cho is there. Since when did you start questioning my orders for my team?"

"Since you had a baby with one of them."

Well he had a point there…a small one. But mostly she felt angry that her authority was being questioned because of one personal indiscretion. So she'd reproduced? So what? That didn't mean she should be treated any differently!

"I don't see how that is anyone's business but mine and Jane's," Lisbon told him quickly. She hated that she was even having this conversation.

"I don't want to talk about you or your consultant, or whatever the hell he is to you. Just give me an update on your case."

"And my baby?"

"Find someone to watch her."

Lisbon hung up the phone more than a little pissed. Oh yes, it was going to be that simple. Just leave the baby with someone, perfect solution. She angrily got to her feet and threw the case file onto the desk with a loud smack.

Alaina began to whimper and Lisbon immediately felt regret. "Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. Mommy's just mad…but not at you." She picked up Alaina and held her close, gently calming her down. "Mommy's boss is being a little difficult right now, that's all."

Her daughter stopped thrashing and closed her eyes again, slowly falling back to sleep. With a sigh Lisbon put her back in her carrier and gathered the rest of her things. "Let's see if Grace can keep an eye on you until me or daddy come back."

But Grace was not in the bullpen and there was no telling where she'd gone. Lisbon was entirely sunk. Now she was desperate so perhaps it was lucky that Amy was close by.

Amy was one of the secretaries that worked on their floor; she was also the same woman who bought the _Daddy's Little Girl_ onesie for her shower. While she might not be the most observant woman in the office, she liked kids and she was there! That was good enough for Lisbon at the moment. "Hey Amy?"

The woman looked up with a pleasant smile. "Yes?"

"You mind watching Alaina for a few minutes. Bertram's on my ass and Jane's busy so I really need you just to keep an eye on her." Amy looked at the baby, slightly dumbfounded. "Fifteen minutes, tops. She'll probably just sleep anyways."

"Okay," Amy agreed and Lisbon set the baby down on the desk.

"Thanks, I'll be back as soon as possible." Lisbon told her, kissing the top of her daughter's head before gathering the rest of her things. She rushed towards the elevator feeling terrible.

Maybe she didn't quite have a handle on this working mom thing as she thought.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The interrogation of Martin Sanders had been satisfying, mostly because it confirmed one of Jane's earlier suspicions. They would have to pay Patricia Granger a visit tomorrow, which likely meant another conversation with Brett Stiles. It was something he looked forward to and dreaded at once, he did enjoy his spars with the man…he just didn't like not being certain if he was the one holding all of the cards or not.

He rounded the corner to the bullpen when he saw the man himself…holding Alaina.

Brett Stiles was standing by Amy Fletcher's desk. Alaina's carrier was next to his elbow but he was holding the baby in a gentle embrace, staring intently at the child. Alaina was awake and studying the man holding her too, for once she wasn't quite as cheerful as she normally was.

Jane's first impulse was the race over there and snatch his child away from him. He hated the idea of that man's hands on his baby daughter. But Jane knew that doing that would be foolish, he had to be calm even if he couldn't hide all of his anger.

"Hello, Brett," he told him, doing what he could to keep his voice at a reasonable octave.

The man looked up and smiled, still holding Alaina. "Patrick, I came by to answer a few of Agent Lisbon's questions when I found this." He looked back down at the baby in his arms. "Your daughter is quite beautiful."

"Thank you," Jane told him, his hands itching to snatch his daughter away.

"She resembles Agent Lisbon remarkably," Stiles pointed out.

"I've noticed," Jane replied, "and grateful that she does." He gave Stiles a hard look. "Since her mother isn't here, I'll take her off your hands." The slight edge in his tone made it clear that it wasn't a request.

Stiles smiled at him, maybe taking a bit of pleasure in ruffling his feathers but he was smart enough to know not to keep a father from his child. He gently handed Alaina over to Jane, the baby was fussing a little but Jane gently rocked her in his arms, leaning in to whisper soothing words in her ear. In a moment she was calm and happy, she smiled up at her father, finally recognizing him.

"I see she's well acquainted with you," Stiles pointed out, interrupting the moment.

"I'm her father," Jane reminded him, "why shouldn't she be?"

Stiles glanced at Amy and took a few steps away towards the bullpen where there would be some privacy. "I'd heard some rumors that there were…_complications_ in your relationship with your child and her mother."

Jane gave him a look of stone, making sure he didn't reveal anything. "I didn't think those were the types of rumors you listened to."

Brett laughed lightly. "Ah, Patrick. I keep my ear close to the ground…in all matters."

He kept a good grip on his daughter but didn't take his eyes off Brett. "Well, these are personal matters and I suggest you keep away from them."

"I'm merely asking as a concerned friend."

"A concerned friend?" Jane asked mockingly. "Aww, Brett I didn't know we had that type of friendship."

Brett gave him another cool smile. "Of course, Patrick. And I do keep an eye on my friends." He looked down at his watch. "Do tell Agent Lisbon that I dropped by. And give her my compliments on your child."

Jane watched him go, keeping Alaina close to his chest as Brett finally left. He took his daughter back to Lisbon's office where she could rest in peace. The baby needed to get some sleep but there wasn't much of a chance of that until Lisbon took her home. Hopefully that would be soon, depending on when Lisbon came back.

He was content to hold Alaina in his arms until Lisbon finally walked into her office. She smiled as soon as she saw father and daughter. "Oh good, you found her."

Jane nodded, setting Alaina down in her carrier again. "Yes, I did. It was quite a surprise to come back and find Brett Stiles holding her."

"What?" Lisbon exclaimed, it was clear she was no happier with that scenario then he had been.

"He was holding her when I walked in," Jane repeated.

"Oh my God!" Lisbon declared running over to look at her child. "What do you think he did to her?"

Jane almost rolled his eyes. "Nothing."

"Come on, Jane. The man is creepy, what if he hypnotized her or something?"

"Lisbon, she's a baby. She's too young to be hypnotized," Jane explained almost laughing at how ridiculous she sounded. "She's fine, he undoubtedly did it just to see what trouble he could stir up and he's genuinely curious about our child. But he won't harm her, really there is no point."

She was slightly mollified by that statement, sitting down on the sofa next to him. But she was still a little pissed. "Dammit, she was just supposed to stay with Amy."

Ah, the half-wit secretary. Things were starting to make sense. Jane couldn't help but smile. "You left our daughter with Amy? I'm beginning to question your choice in babysitters."

Lisbon glared at him now. "I'm beginning to question the men I have slept with."

Jane's eyes sparkled now with amusement. Oh she'd opened Pandora's box with that sentence. "Oh really? I'd like to hear this list."

She blushed a little knowing she'd been caught but there was still a look of defiance in her gaze. "You are at the top of that list, which is more than you've ever given to me."

That was true, then again she never really tried to press him on his personal life anyways. That was her fault. But now he had to play with her latest statement. He shrugged and nodded. "That's a fair assessment, I was on top that night and I did wind up giving you something no one else has."

He'd been talking about their daughter but her reaction to that statement sure was interesting.

Lisbon blushed a dark umber and smacked his shoulder. "Jane!"

"You started this, woman."

"You continued it!"

He grinned cheekily. "Of course I did."

She scoffed at him, trying to appear angry but failing miserably. "Jackass."

He tsked at her in mock disappointment. "Such language in front of our daughter."

Lisbon raised an eyebrow at that. "When she's old enough, she'll understand completely."

That was undoubtedly true but Jane still smiled and shook his head. "Nah, she loves me."

"She's your daughter, she doesn't have much of a choice."

"You did."

"And look what that got me," Lisbon said, gesturing at the baby in the carrier by their feet.

Jane grinned. "Are you really going to complain about that?"

A soft smile came over her features and she shook her head. "No."

They both leaned back against the sofa, content in the company of each other and their child. Lisbon sighed heavily and rubbed her eyes with her hands. "What did you find out from Sanders before you took our child from Stiles?"

Jane almost laughed at her words but kept himself in check. "He's not the killer but he's given me a good idea on where to go."

"Who?"

"I think we need to talk to Patricia Granger," Jane told her.

Lisbon frowned. "Wasn't she one of Stile's personal students?"

He nodded. "Exactly, and it certainly explains why he's so curious about the case."

"You think he knows."

"Definitely, what I don't know is if he was involved directly or not."

She groaned. "I hate cases that involve Visualize, I hate them, I hate them, I hate them!"

Jane grinned at her. "I'm sorry, I don't think I quite get how you feel."

Lisbon smacked him again before sighing heavily. "Whatever it is we can wait till tomorrow to talk to Patricia and Stiles. Now I need to go home, put Alaina to bed and maybe get some sleep of my own."

He nodded. "You need any help?"

She gave him a sly smile. "You think I need help putting my daughter to sleep at this hour?"

"Just a question."

"You don't need to ask permission," Lisbon reminded him, "But it is late. Come over tomorrow. For now, I just want to get some sleep."

"Okay," Jane agreed, standing up from the couch before kneeling down to kiss Alaina one last time.

"See you tomorrow, Jane," Lisbon said as she stood up herself to gather her things.

"Tomorrow, Lisbon."

He was reluctant to leave both mother and daughter. He should be satisfied, here they were back to the place they used to be. Harmless flirting and witty banter, that was their usual interaction, but this time it had the welcome addition of their child. Now she was going to go back to her apartment with their daughter and he would go to his own home alone but he would be able to see Alaina whenever he liked.

This was what he'd wanted.

So why was it suddenly not enough?

* * *

_Three days after Jane left Lisbon's apartment, she finally agreed to let him come over. He'd honestly been a little surprised to hear her say "Yes," to his request that it took him a moment to realize that she'd added a "but you can't stay too long."_

_ At this point he didn't care if she made him leave after two minutes, she was letting him see their daughter!_

_ He pulled up outside of her apartment and forced himself to not run up to the door like an excited schoolboy. Instead he remains calm and knocks on the door. It takes a minute for Lisbon to answer but it's clear she's not very happy to see him. "Hey," he said softly._

_ She just nods and steps aside. "Alaina is in the bassinet. She'll be asleep soon."_

_ Jane stepped into her apartment but didn't move to the living room yet, still looking at Lisbon. "How are you doing?"_

_ "Alaina is over there, Jane," Lisbon reminded him, pointing at the bassinet._

_ "I know, that's not what I asked."_

_ Lisbon shook her head. "You came to see Alaina, nothing more."_

_ "I came to see both of you." Jane told her urgently, he took a step closer and took her hand in his, she snatched it out of his reach quickly. "I just want to make sure you're doing all right."_

_ For a long moment she kept her eyes averted from his, as if she didn't even want to look at him. But maybe his gentle pleading worked. She finally looked into his eyes. "I'm fine."_

_ Well it was a start. "Are you feeling all right? Still sore from the accident?"_

_ "I'm fine, Jane," she repeated._

_ He wasn't quite so sure. Jane knew she'd been under quite a bit of strain after the accident and now caring for an infant on her own. It was clear she was tired if the dark circles under her eyes were any indication, she was also a mess. Tangled hair, ratty clothes that smelled faintly of spit up, he could also tell she hadn't showered in a while._

_ Not that he was going to breathe a word of those observations, those hormones had to still be raging._

_ "All right," Jane said and walked over to the bassinet. Alaina was awake at the moment, her eyes still the pure blue-gray of her birth. Her unfocused gaze slipped over him and then back up to the ceiling fan above her. He smiled and reached in to hold one of her bare feet that had escaped her sock, he loved the feel of her soft skin._

_ Alaina gurgled and wriggled around a bit. Jane couldn't resist lifting her up to hold her against his chest. "Hello, little one," he told her softly, "Do you remember me? I'm your daddy." Her little pink tongue rolled across her lips and briefly her eyes met his, but she seemed stimulated by his voice. "I missed you," he told her honestly, leaning down to kiss the top of her head, "I missed you so much."_

_ Jane looked up to see that Lisbon was staring at him, still standing a few feet away. She looked confused, angry and slightly touched. It was enough that she was even slightly affected by the sight of him with their child, that meant there was some hope she would believe him one day. "How is she doing?"_

_ "She's fine."_

_ He sighed, he was getting very tired of the word 'fine'. "Lisbon, please. Talk to me."_

_ She shook her head. "No."_

_ "Lisbon…"_

_ "If I start talking now then I'll starting yelling, and screaming and she'll get upset and I don't want to do that." Lisbon told him, her voice was laced with resentment and ice. "I don't want to yell at you in front of her even though I should. I should yell at you because of everything you did, for putting me through all of that when in the end you simply changed your mind. So you hurt me for nothing."_

_ She brushed away the tears that were falling down her cheeks, he wished he could have done that for her but he didn't have that right. He stood up, still holding Alaina in his arms and stepped towards her. She made a step backwards but he put a hand on her shoulder, keeping her in place. "I'm sorry," Jane told her again, "I'm sorry about what I did. You don't have to accept that…but I'm here now."_

_ Lisbon met her eyes and let out puff of air that was something of a scoff. "Right now I'm just waiting for you to leave again."_

_ "I'm not going to."_

_ "Your words are meaningless, Jane. You taught me that yourself."_

_ That hurt, it really did. But he kept a grip on her shoulder because he knew that he had to find some way to get her to believe him. "Lisbon, look at me," he urged her and after a bit of silent protesting, she met his eyes again, "I'm not lying to you, not this time." He smiled softly, "I rarely lied to you in the past, why would I start now?"_

_ She glared at him. "You always lied to me."_

_ "Not about the important things, I told you the truth when it didn't put you in harms way."_

_ Lisbon shook her head. "I don't know, Jane. I don't know what to think about you right now. I don't know why I even let you come tonight."_

_ That made Jane tense a little. "You let me come because I wanted to see our child."_

_ She closed her eyes as if it was painful for her. "So you did." There was a very long moment of silence before she finally looked at him again. "I'm going to go take a shower. When Alaina goes to sleep you are leaving."_

_ Lisbon didn't give him time to ask for more time. She just turned around and headed up the stairs leaving him alone with their daughter._

_ Right now all he could do was hope Alaina didn't go to sleep soon…and pray that maybe he could find some way to fix all of this._

* * *

Patricia Granger had been soft; she was an easy nut to crack once a little bit of pressure was applied. Jane wasn't surprised she killed Grant; she wasn't even repentant about it. She'd been babbling about how he was a liar that needed to be stopped even as Cho and Rigsby led her out of the interrogation room towards booking.

In the end the killer was found and that was all any of them could ask for. Lisbon was just glad that they wouldn't have to deal with Visualize anymore if her, "Thank God it's over" as soon as the ink was dry on the arrest warrant was any indication. Jane wasn't quite as relieved; probably because he had no doubt that they hadn't seen the last of Brett Stiles.

Jane was making his requisite cup of tea when the man himself came in; perhaps he'd been by the CBI so much that he knew the place too well. "Brett, the case is over so you must be here for another purpose."

"Agent Lisbon informed me about Patricia," Stiles explained, "I simply came to offer what services I can provide."

"For her or for us?"

"She might have been misguided but she is still a colleague and friend."

Jane nodded, studying the man in front of him. "How much did you know about Patricia?"

"I had nothing to do with Grant's murder," Brett reminded him, "I wasn't even in California."

"Yes, you weren't involved directly," Jane replied, "but I keep wondering what little bird whispered in Patricia's ear."

"We've known each other long enough, Patrick. No need to trifle with me."

Jane smiled and looked him in the eye. "Grant was a problem for you, a tell-all book, no matter if you can disprove it or not, is going to ruin your reputation."

"I did not tell Patricia to kill Carson."

"Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" Jane quoted, still smiling.

Now Brett understood. "Ah, so I play the part of Henry II, and poor Carson is Thomas Beckett. I didn't take you as a man who followed priests." Brett shook his head. "Even if it were true…it would be impossible to prove."

"Yes," Jane agreed, "but it would make Patricia not as culpable."

"Is that what she has said?"

"Of course not, she'd never turn her back on you."

Brett didn't look concerned though, why should he? If he was involved he'd certainly gotten away with it. "Have you shared your theory with Agent Lisbon?"

"If I shared all of my suspicions with her, she'd shoot me."

"Undoubtedly," Brett agreed, "perhaps more so now, considering what happened."

Jane put his saucer down with a clank. He'd been hoping to avoid this conversation entirely but he should have known that Brett wouldn't be denied the pleasure of dragging out his latest sins. "I suppose it is my turn to tell you to stop trifling with me, you've been dropping hints about Lisbon and our daughter all week. Why don't you stop playing and just speak your mind?"

Brett gave him a very serious look. "You disappointed me."

He hadn't been expecting that response. "That's interesting."

"I'd hoped you would have more control over yourself, Patrick," Brett explained, "for years you'd kept yourself in check, only to fail now."

"So I disappointed you by sleeping with her?"

"And the choices you made afterward." That made Jane pause; he couldn't fault anyone for being disappointed in that. "She deserved far better treatment then what you gave her."

"For once we are in agreement," Jane commented.

"What makes a man do that?" Stiles asked, "What makes a man turn on the woman carrying his child? To ignore her and the life you created together? I'm curious, frankly it is hard for me to imagine anything more horrible than indifference."

Jane didn't say anything, wasn't even looking at him anymore. There was no point, Brett already knew the answers, he just wanted to dredge them up like lashing a wound. "Ah," Brett said, now smiling like a snake, "of course, it always comes back to that. I suppose I should not be surprised, your life has always revolved around Red John, why not your child's life as well?"

That filled Jane with something close to rage. He turned around to give Brett a hard look. "Alaina has nothing to do with Red John."

But Brett didn't look convinced in the least. "You ignored her until her birth because of him…of course she does. He has been your one obsession for a decade, do you really think you are capable of giving that up just because of a child?"

"I haven't given up," Jane clarified, "I'm still going to find him…but Alaina comes first."

"Oh really?" Brett asked, his voiced laced with doubt. "You've risked your life and the lives of your colleagues numerous times, killed a man, almost faced death row, seduced one of his followers, helped her escape prison and shown no remorse for any of those actions. All of that in the interest of finding one man," Brett listed his actions with flourish, "you dedicated your entire life to this one thing…and you honestly believe that all of that means nothing next to a simple mistake you made one night."

Jane stared at him for a very long time, not trusting himself to move or speak with seriously harming the man. It was still a pleasant thought. "How dare you…how dare you call my child a _mistake_."

Stiles didn't look fazed though. "Oh, Patrick…"

"No." Jane cut him off, "you might think you understand me but you are wrong. Everything I did to catch Red John I did without regret, you are right. But I was a different man then because I had _nothing_. No purpose or desire or hope, all of that changed when she was born because now…now I have something real to live for. If Alaina is a mistake…then she is the best damn mistake I ever made…and if I have to stop looking for Red John for her then I will do it in a heartbeat because nothing matters more to me then my child…and that includes him."

He was breathing heavily and very close to slamming something down to prove his point. He wasn't sure what to expect Brett to say to his speech. It took him a moment to realize that there was pride in his eyes.

"Very good, Patrick. You finally understand," Brett told him softly before turning to leave the room. He stopped in the doorway and for the first time Jane saw Grace standing right outside. "Good evening, Agent Van Pelt," he said before leaving both of them.

Grace didn't say anything; she was staring at Jane in stunned disbelief.

For a moment Jane stared right back, then he turned away to look at the now tepid tea he'd made, balling his hands into fists and unfurling them again. Anything to try and dissipate the anger and tension broiling inside of him.

"He was testing you," Grace finally said, her voice was soft, much softer than he had heard from her in over a year.

Jane nodded, still not looking at her. "Yes, that's obvious."

"But you fell for it."

"Even I'm not immune to outrage, Grace."

She took a few steps into the room until she was standing by him. He finally turned around to look at her and see that she was studying him carefully. "You really meant it, didn't you?"

He nodded. "Alaina matters more than anything, even a decade long quest for revenge." He looked down at the floor now, avoiding her eyes. "You don't have to believe me, Grace. But I mean it when I say that I love her."

There was a very long moment of silence before she finally spoke. "I believe you."

Jane's head snapped up as he looked into her face…and saw real forgiveness there. "Thank you."

Now Grace looked down, she was the one ashamed. "I'm sorry, Jane. I'm sorry it took me so long."

"No," Jane interrupted, "my actions were horrific, your anger was understandable…as long as you know that I'm not going to let anything come between me and my child again."

"Good," Grace told him, "because he'll come back…and I don't think I can help Lisbon pick up the pieces again."

"You won't have to," Jane replied, "because when he comes back I'll be waiting, not for revenge but to protect my child and her mother."

That released some of the tension in Grace's body and she gave him a very small smile "Okay," she told him before turning to leave. But then she stopped and met his eyes again. "Don't hurt her, Jane."

He hadn't been expecting that. "What?"

"Lisbon, don't hurt her again."

"I'm not going to leave her."

"I wasn't talking about that," Grace explained. She looked into his eyes with all seriousness. "She loved you. She never said it but I knew. She loved you and every time you ignored her you broke her heart until it was completely shattered. I'm not even sure if she has really picked up the pieces…if that is even possible. But I'm not convinced that kind of feeling would ever go away…or if you are ready to find out.

"So be a father to Alaina…but be careful not to give Lisbon any hope unless you mean it. Because she can't break a second time," Grace told him firmly, "so please, Jane. Don't take her heart…not unless you are sure you can't break it again."

She gave him one last firm look and then another soft smile before finally quitting the room. By now all anger had left Jane as he absorbed what she'd said.

Grace had forgiven him but he could not savor that victory. True, she hadn't told him anything that he hadn't already known. But if she was afraid he would hurt her again…then that only doubled his own fears.

His love was a dangerous thing, loving Lisbon was so easy, but could he love her without hurting her? So far he'd never been able to do that.

He was certain if he could.

* * *

A/N: Phew! Finally Grace comes around LOL, that was fun to write, especially Jane getting pissed off at Stiles. I have fun when I write him. I hope you liked this update and I'm sorry for the wait.

Next chapter: In the flashbacks Lisbon starts to buckle under the pressure of being a new mom and Jane has to find a way to let him help her. Meanwhile in the present, a case gets Lisbon to cross paths with Josh again and their acquaintance finally takes steps to becoming a real relationship...and Jane finally learns about Josh and he realizes he isn't quite so certain he can remain as unattached as he once thought...


	12. Easier Said Than Done

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Wow people love Alaina LOL. I'm sorry for the wait but I really wanted to finish Lavinia since it took me over a year to finally get that one done. I'm very proud of it but I'm excited that I can get back to work on this one! YAY! LOL I think you guys will love me and hate me for this chapter, can't wait to see the reactions LOL

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**RedPen:** Yes, Jane is starting to realize that he can't just say he won't be with Lisbon, he is having a hard time keep himself from what he really wants. Yes, being a good father is not enough for Lisbon. Jane will learn that she has forgiven him...but has NOT forgotten.

**Merylin:** Yep only about 4-5 more chapters, which is good for me since when compared to LAvinia this fic has been finished A LOT sooner LOL. I hate fics that go on for 80 chapters hehehe. And yes, Lisbon is definitely going to fight her feelings for Jane, there is no way she is going to just accept the idea of being with Jane, not after everything she went thorugh.

**Guests Guest:** It's here! I promise LOL

**Brenda McLovin:** Awwww thanks so much, here is the update LOL

**Janine:** Thank you for the high compliment, I didn't want Lisbon to forgive Jane immediately, that would have been way too easy for him. I do try to keep them in character so it means a lot for you to notice. You don't have to miss Alaina anymore

**Anonymous:** LOL yes it was about time and they absolutely DO need to get together! LOL

**JJUNG: **LOL wow! I used to live in Singapore! LOL I'm glad you like this fic, hope you check today to see it's been updated!

**Kinzell Brighton:** LOL you might not be so excited to meet Josh now LOL

**Jessica: ** All right you don't have to miss Alaina anymore! LOL

**Sheila's Pets:** Yes Josh is the opposite to Jane which is going to drive Jane a little nuts, how does he compete with him? She is appreciated by both Jane and Lisbon, they both made that clear but it was time for her to step back and stop trying to get in the way.

**Brando:** I know but then again, she knew Grace wouldn't approve either. Grace was being a bit of a pain for a while there and it was time she realized that she needed to let Jane be a dad now. But Lisbon definitely hasn't forgotten about Grace, you'll see her start to confide in Grace when things start getting complicated between her, Jane, and Josh LOL

**Jackson5:** I would NEVER give up on this story, I just wanted to finish Lavinia hehehe

**CB:** LOL I didn't think about it but you are right, this fic has it all and a baby on top! LOL

**Sabrina:** Yeah, I really wanted to finish Lavinia so I sort of put my focus on that and then my collab has been getting interesting and I have to work on that sometimes too. To be fair though, Lisbon has gone almost 4 months without letting Jane see his child without her permission, she had all of the power. It took a while for her to accept him in Alaina's life.

**Me4eva:** LOL I'm a true Jisbon fan too but Lisbon needs to be presented with another opportunity in order to see that she can't just ignore her feelings for Jane and Jane needs a kick in the pants LOL.

NOTE: This chapter takes place about 2 months after chapter 11 and it does take place after the events in First Christmas too

* * *

Chapter 12: Easier Said Than Done

Poker night had always been interesting with Jane; it was even more so with babies thrown into the mix. For a good portion of the night Benjamin Rigsby and Alaina were sitting in the same playpen, the older boy happily banging on his little musical keyboard while Alaina chewed on a plastic ring. Lisbon was quick to make jokes about Ben's future bride that made Jane roll his eyes and Rigsby laugh. Maybe it was silly but a dream was a dream, it would be cute to imagine at the very least.

But most the night was spent at the poker table in Jane's apartment with occasional bottle breaks for both adults and babies. Lisbon learned she could bottle feed Alaina while also holding a near full house in her hands. She held her breath when Cho dealt her the last card and had to keep her face as impassive as she could when she got the jack she'd desperately needed. She assumed she'd done a good job of masking her emotions, but of course Jane ruined it.

"Might as well throw in this hand now," Jane declared, "Lisbon has this one."

"You be quiet!" she shot back.

"But you do, full house, jacks and tens."

Lisbon reached over to smack his shoulder, jostling Alaina who let out a little cry. Jane grinned did. "Alaina doesn't like it when you hurt her daddy."

"Alaina will understand when she's older," Lisbon replied.

"You sure about that?"

"Anyone can understand the desire to hurt you," she reminded him. Alaina let out a little cough and Lisbon pulled the bottle back to make sure she wasn't choking. But then the little girl reached for the bottle again. "You're never full," she muttered.

Grace grinned and poked Alaina's round belly. "Like her daddy."

Lisbon rolled her eyes while everyone else laughed and nodded. She gave Jane an annoyed look. "Well apparently since this is your fault, why don't you finish with her?" she said before handing him their daughter.

Jane was only too happy to accept that job. Alaina whimpered a little at the change but was happy once her bottle was steady and she could feed again. "Mommy's just mad because Daddy knew her cards."

"Will we ever find out?" Cho asked, giving annoyed looks to everyone else at the table.

"By all means," Jane said nodding his head at the table. "Start betting."

They all started off making bets but when Lisbon raised everyone threw in their cards and she gave Jane a real glare. He grinned and she raked in her rather paltry winnings, all things considered. "You ruin it for everyone."

"Oh that's not true," Jane stated, "it's fun for me."

She socked him in the shoulder and he grunted a little at the pain, still smiling. They both were.

"You going to keep fighting or will we get back to the game?" Cho asked.

Jane winked at Lisbon and turned his attention back at Cho. "Deal the next round."

Cho shuffled the cards expertly without batting an eye. "The way you two fight, it's a wonder that kid was born."

Lisbon blushed while Jane just laughed again along with everyone else. This wasn't the kind of intimacy and fun that had occurred before Alaina's birth.

It was better.

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"Next time we have a poker night you're going to babysit while the rest of us play cards," Lisbon declared as she grabbed a few empty bottles of beer from the table. Jane was in the kitchen putting away the left over snacks that hadn't quite been eaten.

"Meh," he replied, closing the fridge, "That would be one boring game."

"It would be a _fair_ game."

"Exactly."

She rolled her eyes and collapsed onto the sofa, tired but content after a fun night with their friends. The other three had left not long before with Lisbon eyeing how chummy Grace and Rigsby were acting. She might have to slyly talk to her friend and see if something was happening again.

Lisbon leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes a little, opening them when Jane sat down next to her. "Where's our daughter?" she asked.

Jane chuckled and nodded over to the pen in the corner. "She fell asleep before the last hand."

She glanced over and saw Alaina curled up asleep in the little pen, her arm around her threadbare rabbit. Lisbon grinned and leaned back against the sofa, her head still against the back but she turned to look at Jane. "She's like you, she'll sleep through anything…except a meal."

"At least she's sleeping through the night now."

"Finally," Lisbon exclaimed with relief, "I'd actually forgotten what full night's sleep was." Then she grimaced, "Which is terrible because I now consider four hours a full night's sleep."

They both laughed for a while and it took Lisbon a little longer than it should have to notice that Jane had put a hand on her knee, it was the kind of absentminded things close people did…but she noticed. Lisbon sighed heavily and groaned a little as she rose to her feet. "I need to take her home, get her to bed and maybe gets some sleep of my own."

Jane joined her, helping her get her things which included mostly toys and Alaina's diaper bag and of course, Alaina. "You're still taking her this Saturday, right?"

"Of course," he replied, "The usual schedule and any other extra time you can stand me."

She grunted at that comment. "That mostly depends on what trouble you do this week." But she did look at him seriously. "She has an appointment with her pediatrician in two weeks, I'm going to ask about introducing her to solid foods."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "That'll be interesting, I want to be there when you first feed her."

"Of course," Lisbon assured him, "but once she's weaned off of breast milk is when we can slowly start overnight visits."

His eyes sparkled at that tantalizing prize but he did what he could restrain his excitement. "If that is all right with you."

"It is," she told him honestly, "we set the visitation schedule two months ago, she's almost six months old now. It makes sense that we start letting her spend the night with you soon." Then Lisbon gave him a soft smile. "She should spend time with her daddy…besides, it means I'll get to sleep in when you have her."

Jane did laugh now and nodded his head. "That seems fair."

She grinned and then held out Alaina. "Say goodbye to your daughter."

He happily took his sleeping daughter into his arms, kissing her little head and breathing in her scene. "Goodbye, Alaina. But I'll be seeing you tomorrow." He kissed her again before handing her back to Lisbon. "I'll see you tomorrow too."

Lisbon grinned and nodded. "I'll see you in the morning." He leaned in and kissed her cheek while she returned the favor. A simple peck, that was what they did to say goodbye now. They shared a child, shaking hands was far too formal these days. Lisbon didn't think about where else it fell on that spectrum.

She kept Alaina clutched in her arms when she walked out of Jane's apartment. She no longer was weighted down by the past or pain. If this was the life she was meant to have now…she was content.

All she had to do was silence that voice in her head that yearned for something more.

* * *

_ It had been three weeks since Lisbon had entered the CBI, which was the longest she had been away from the office her entire employment there excepting when she'd been shot and put on temporary leave (and almost fired). She'd assumed she would miss the office more during her maternity leave but the truth was she'd almost forgotten about the place, she was far too busy taking care of her infant daughter to think about work._

_ As soon as she stepped through the doors, heads turned to look at her. No doubt some people still couldn't believe that she actually had a child. Mostly it was women who stopped to coo over Alaina who was fussing in her mother's arms. Lisbon was actually a little embarrassed as Alaina's cries grew louder, stirring up more unwanted attention._

_ Her team was in the bullpen with the exception of Jane. Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about that but decided to be relieved; she hadn't come here to talk to him anyways. They all looked up as soon as they heard Alaina's squalls. "Hey!" Grace exclaimed, rising from her desk, "what are you doing here?"_

_ "Visiting," Lisbon replied honestly, "amongst other things." She glanced around the room. "Where's Jane?"_

_ "Said he had something personal today," Cho replied, "He'll be in later."_

_ Lisbon nodded but Alaina responded with another shrill cry. "Awww," Grace came over to look at her goddaughter, "someone is very fussy today."_

_ "Yes she is," Lisbon glanced over at Rigsby, "I was hoping I could get some of your expertise."_

_ Rigsby walked over with Cho not far behind. "What's wrong?"_

_ "I'm not sure," she admitted, "Alaina has been crying all morning and I'm worried. I think she might be running a fever but I'm not sure. She won't stay still and I don't know how to put the thermometer in her ear, she just keeps screaming."_

_ Cho gave her a once over. "You look like hell."_

_ Lisbon felt that comment like a knife to her gut. "Thank you, Cho."_

_ Grace smacked him lightly. "Be nice."_

_ Rigsby was being the dutiful team member, looking Alaina over with what little expertise he had. "She does feel a little warm but that might be just from being bundled up…or she could be running a slight fever."_

_ Lisbon was worried at that comment. "Okay…so what should I do?"_

_ He handed her daughter back to her. "You need to do whatever you are comfortable with."_

_ "I need your help, why do you think I came to you? You're the only one who has a kid."_

_ "What about Jane?" Cho asked calmly._

_ She turned to Cho as if he had suddenly declared he was changing his name to Princess Pink. "What?"_

_ "He's had a kid, this _is_ his kid," he reminded her, "He might have a few suggestions."_

_ She shook her head. "No, I don't need his help."_

_ "He said you were letting him see Alaina."_

_ Lisbon gave Cho a glare and turned her attention back to Rigsby. "What do you think I should do?"_

_ Rigsby shrugged. "Better to be safe then sorry, take her to her pediatrician if you want to make sure everything is okay."_

_ "Thank you," Lisbon said gratefully. She kept Alaina clutched close to her breast and tried to somehow soothe her. "Please, sweetheart, just stop screaming." She tried bouncing her but the baby continued to squall. "Oh God it hasn't stopped all night!"_

_ Rigsby and Grace exchanged looks. "Are you going to be okay?"_

_ "I'm fine," Lisbon replied even though she knew it was a bad lie, "I am a cop, I've taken down suspects at horse tracks, managed a team and Jane, I can take care of one sick infant."_

_ They all just stared at her for a long moment before Cho broke the silence. "You sure?"_

_ She honestly felt like crying then, she'd felt like crying all day actually. But Lisbon did what she could to recover her emotions. "I'm taking my daughter to the doctor, I'll see you guys later."_

_ Lisbon walked away from them, her screaming child marking her path. She didn't cry until she was in the car. "I can do this," she repeated to herself over and over again. "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this."_

* * *

It was just supposed to be a routing arrest. Go in, take the suspect down and walk him out in handcuffs. Of course they always had to be prepared for him to run…and with a gun. It was a blur as she, Cho and Rigsby chased after him but it was Rigsby who was the fastest.

He fired four shots at the suspects get away car, one blowing out a tire. The car swerved and then ran into another parked SUV. Rigsby and Cho rushed over to wrestle the suspect out of the car. Lisbon was going to follow but something caught her eye. A German shepherd dog was lumbering towards her, whining…and bleeding.

Rigsby and Cho came up with the suspect who was cursing at the both. "We got him, boss," Rigsby said proudly.

"You shot a dog!"

"What?" Rigsby exclaimed, no longer looking so proud. "No, I shot the car."

"And a dog," Lisbon pointed out. The canine in question was whining helplessly having collapsed by Lisbon's feet.

Rigsby must have noticed the gunshot wound and sick animal. "Shit." Then he turned his attention to his boss. "What do we do?"

"Cho, bring Tyson to lock up. Rigsby, you help me load Fido into the SUV and then call Grace to see where the nearest animal hospital is," She told them briskly.

"You're going to save the dog?" Cho said.

"Hey, I don't want any animal rights groups up my ass when the headline tomorrow says CBI agent _kills_ defenseless dog."

"Right," Cho agreed, "I'll take care of this mutt then."

She almost smiled at that quip as Cho took their suspect away but then she turned to Rigsby. "Come on, we better hope he doesn't die on the way to the vet.

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They spent an hour waiting in the nearby animal hospital with different dogs, cats and even one ferret being brought in. Lisbon was getting more irritated with this day, especially since she was wasting an hour of it sitting in a room that smelled like dog urine. She thought about chewing out Rigsby for this but the poor guy actually looked sad that he'd hurt an animal. She had a feeling that if the dog pulled through this then Rigsby would be buying him the biggest meatiest bone he could find.

She vaguely noticed a man wearing blue scrubs like a surgeon coming over to the receptionist, she pointed at the two of them and the man she assumed was the vet walked over. That was when Lisbon recognized him…and apparently he did too.

"Teresa?"

"Josh?"

Lisbon gaped at him, her heart pounding at what was happening. She hadn't seen him in a few weeks, and only at the grocery store. She'd thought of him as a missed opportunity and now… "You're a vet?"

"Yes," Josh said smiling sweetly at her, "I guess I didn't tell you that."

Rigsby was staring at both of them. "You two know each other?"

"We've met a couple of times," Lisbon admitted. "Uh… Rigsby is a member of my team."

"I'm the one that shot the dog," Rigsby told him quickly. Lisbon blushed a little but silently thanked Rigsby for admitting that. She didn't want to think about Josh wondering if she'd been the one to hurt the animal…not when he was a vet.

"Ah, well I should let you know that the dog is in recovery. He was lucky, pretty minimal damage, it wasn't a very good shot."

"I wasn't aiming at the dog," Rigsby muttered.

"That's good," Lisbon declared, glaring at Rigsby now. "Since that's _illegal_."

"I know that I just…never mind." He said quickly, eyeing both Lisbon and Josh. He wisely chose to retreat to a corner and leave Lisbon and the vet to themselves.

She shook her head turning back to Josh. "It's been an interesting day."

"For me too, I don't get a lot of gunshot wounds."

Lisbon couldn't help but laugh a little at that, shaking her head. "It's a first for me, never had to deal with a dog being shot."

"Circumstances aside, I'm glad this happened," Josh admitted, "I kept hoping to run into you at the grocery store again."

She blushed and nodded. "Me too…but I guess we just kept missing each other."

"Not this time."

Lisbon was having a hard time to keep from grinning like a fool at the moment. Instead she grabbed a pen from the counter and hastily wrote down her cell and work numbers. "I have to get back to the CBI, now that the dog is okay. But call me, let me know how he's doing."

"Of course," Josh said, his smile suggested that he would call her…but not about the dog.

And she was perfectly fine with that.

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Lisbon was in a very good mood when she and Rigsby made it back to the CBI, the dog was going to be all right and the very good-looking very single father she'd flirted with finally had her number. It was one of those moments in life where everything was almost as it should be, she finally felt happy after months of absolute pain.

Things were good.

She stopped by the bullpen with Rigsby to check up on the rest of the team and get Cho's report on the suspect. "Is Tyson in lock up?"

"Yes," Cho replied, "he tried to hit me."

She raised an eyebrow at that. "You can add that to the charges."

"Along with his bruised jaw."

Her lips twitched a little at that comment but she let it slide. Now that Tyson was behind bars there was little any of them could do beyond finish reports and try to pass the time. Jane never had any problems with that.

"How's the dog?" Jane asked, a cup of tea in his hand.

Lisbon turned to look at him. "He's going to be fine, I'm just glad it all turned out okay."

"I'll bet," Rigsby said suggestively. Lisbon could have hit him for that, especially since the rest of the team perked up at the comment.

"You hush," she hissed at him, embarrassed that he'd brought it up.

But Rigsby didn't seem fazed, in fact he was smiling like the younger brother who caught his sister with her boyfriend. "What did you do?" Grace asked eyeing him.

He just shrugged. "Lisbon's dating the vet."

"What?" Grace exclaimed, now openly gaping at her friend. Cho looked amused and Jane…well Lisbon didn't know what Jane was thinking.

"No," she told them quickly, "I'm _not_ dating the vet."

"You sure?"

Lisbon glared at Rigsby with real heat. "_Yes_, I just met him at the store a couple of times. That's all."

"You gave him your number."

She wasn't sure how to respond to that and in the end she didn't have to. There was a commotion behind her followed by Jane's strangled, "Shit!" She turned around to see Jane on his feet and his pants seeped with hot tea. His cup and saucer were on the couch beside him.

She couldn't help but smile a little. "You okay there?"

"Fine," he muttered, to her shock he seemed pretty upset. "Just fine."

They watched him limp out of the room with Lisbon and the rest of them more surprised by this turn of events. "Since when does he spill his tea?" she actually wondered aloud.

"Since you started seeing a vet," Cho replied calmly.

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Funny, very funny." She quickly made her way over to her office.

If she'd bothered to turn around she might have seen that Cho was dead serious.

* * *

_ Jane arrived at the CBI late in the morning feeling pretty good; he'd signed the lease to an apartment that morning. The second bedroom had a beautiful picture window that would bring in a lot of light for Alaina's nursery. The fun part would be setting it up for his new daughter, now he just had to wait till he could move in._

_ To be honest he couldn't wait until Lisbon's maternity leave was over too, the CBI was rather boring without her. They weren't working a case at the moment so the rest of the team was busy trying to stay busy, that generally meant solitaire on the computer. Rigsby and Grace still weren't talking to him but Jane had a feeling the former would come around soon…he honestly was at a complete loss at how to fix things with Grace. Cho was the only one who would say a few words to him…a few monosyllabic responses every once in a while._

_ "Did you miss me?" He asked, mostly just to see if he could get any response from them._

_ Grace didn't even look up but Rigsby did, he glanced at Jane for a minute before quickly turning back to his work. Jane considered that progress. He knew it would take time, since it had only been a little over two weeks since Alaina's birth._

_ He was making his way to his couch when something small and pink caught his eye. Resting by the leg of Grace's desk was a little pacifier that he recognized. "Lisbon brought Alaina here?" _

_ The three of them exchanged looks but Grace stood up from her desk primly. "I'm going to get something to eat," she declared, grabbing her purse and walking out without so much as glancing at Jane. _

_ Well he was fine with that; he turned his attention to the other two members of the team that were a bit more receptive to him right now. He was surprised Lisbon had brought Alaina in…and disappointed that he had missed her._

_ "Is she okay?" Jane asked. He honestly wanted to know, he hadn't gotten to see them in two days._

_ They both exchanged glances, Rigsby looked down at his desk, obviously not wanting to be a part of this conversation. But Cho was a bit more open now. "You need to talk to Lisbon," he told Jane simply._

_ "What is it?"_

_ "Just talk to her," Cho told him, "and don't take no for an answer."_

_ That told Jane that he was serious._

_ And he meant to follow through._

* * *

Lisbon was still working on reports when her stomach signaled that it was time for lunch. She could get caught up in her work and forget but this time a sandwich from Salernos didn't seem like such a bad idea. She was contemplating which kind to get when her phone rang, ending that thought process.

It was a number she didn't recognized which peaked her curiosity. "Agent Lisbon," she answered calmly.

"Teresa? This is Josh."

Her heart started racing and she couldn't stop from smiling. "Josh, hey…is the dog all right?" She winced at that question, how could she have said something so stupid?

But Josh must have found it funny or he didn't care. "The dog is fine, but I was hoping I caught you before you had lunch."

Holy shit was this really happening? "Uh, actually you did," Lisbon said barely able to keep her excitement under control.

"Well this is my lucky day then," Josh replied, "I do know this wonderful café." He proceeded to name a restaurant that was only two blocks away.

"Oh I love their grilled chicken salad there," Lisbon replied.

"Would you like to enjoy said salad today perhaps?"

"You know, I just might."

Fifteen minutes later she was sitting at a nice little table by the window with Josh across from her. The server poured them both water and Lisbon shook her head smiling. "I still can't believe I ran into you today."

"Because of the situation or that I'm a vet?"

She laughed lightly. "I had no idea what you did, honestly I thought that you stalked the grocery store for a living."

"I almost did," Josh admitted, "any time Max said he wanted Cheerios I loaded up the car and raced to the store hoping that I might see you."

"I kept 'forgetting' things and had to go back," Lisbon replied, "Alaina liked sleeping in the car rides to and from the store."

"And in the end it was just fate."

"And my team member's bad shooting."

They both laughed then and Lisbon knew what it was like to truly enjoy a man's company again. "How's Max?"

Josh smiled that smile of a proud father. "He's great, get's into trouble at pre-school because he's too smart for his own good."

"I believe you," Lisbon said, "he definitely has a strong personality, I'm thinking it is a trait he shares with his father."

Josh grinned and nodded. "And Alaina shares her mother's beauty." Lisbon blushed there, taking a sip of water. "How is she?"

"Great, she started crawling a few weeks ago and anything she gets her hands on immediately goes to her mouth."

"I remember those days."

"I bet you do."

The conversation mostly centered around their kids for a while until their entrees arrived. Then it flowed naturally to their work when Lisbon admitted that she'd been a bit surprised he was a vet. "But honestly, I'm just glad you aren't a lawyer."

"Had enough of those?"

"In my line of work? Definitely."

He laughed then, taking a bite of his club sandwich. "I didn't become a lawyer, but I did marry one."

Oh yes, she'd actually forgotten that he was a widower. Lisbon felt a heaviness sink over her at the reminder, she didn't have the best track record with widowers since Jane was a disaster. "I'm sorry," Lisbon said quickly, "I didn't mean to…"

"Oh it's quite all right," Josh told her, "I made my peace with what happened a long time ago."

A healthy outlook on the loss of a spouse, Lisbon had almost forgotten what that was.

"If you don't mind me asking…how?" Lisbon asked, unable to stop herself. She needed to know how it was possible for someone to overcome that loss. Her father hadn't. Jane hadn't. In fact she had never known a man who had.

Josh looked very sad but he didn't seem angry. He took a sip of water and then looked at Lisbon seriously. "I met my wife…Allison, when we were in college. We dated for four years before getting married. She went to law school, I started my practice, you could say we were that couple that lived for each other and our work."

"I know the type," Lisbon said, "I _am_ that person."

He nodded. "We talked about kids but we never seemed to find the time, eventually the conversations ceased and we just went on with our lives…then she found out she had breast cancer."

"Oh God."

"They ran some tests and also discovered that she was pregnant, it wasn't the best time to hear news like that," Josh admitted, "they told us that in order to do chemo she would have to give up the baby and if she didn't…the hormones of the pregnancy would speed up the cancer and make it inoperable." Josh looked away now. "And that is when my wife, the woman who I don't even know if she'd even held a baby…decided that she would not give this one up."

Lisbon was completely enraptured with the story and Josh continued on with his tale of woe. "I told her that we could have more kids if she would just choose to live but…but she thought that God had given us the baby and we couldn't turn it away. She never realized how much she wanted to be a mother until it finally happened."

She thought back to that moment in the attic when Jane had told her under no uncertain terms, that she could have their baby. She remembered realizing that the baby was the only thing she actually wanted. "I can understand that," she told Josh honestly.

He met her eyes. "I couldn't…not at first. But it was her body; her choice…and she chose to die so that our son could live." Josh looked away again. "I was so _angry_ with her, I couldn't believe that she would choose to leave me. I didn't care about the baby; I just didn't want to lose my wife."

"Did you leave?" Lisbon wondered. Really some of this sounded familiar…almost.

But Josh shook his head. "No, I stayed. I stayed and helped her to the bathroom when she was sick and tried to understand how someone who glowed with pregnancy…could be dying. I didn't care about the baby until she was about six months along and I felt him move. But I don't think I really understood why she had to have him until he was born. He was beautiful, healthy strong and amazing. Allison was the one who named him. She loved him so much, for as little time as she had him."

She saw tears sparkling in his eyes. "She got to see his first birthday…but only lasted a few more weeks after that."

Lisbon reached across the table to squeeze his hand gently. "I'm so sorry, Josh."

He squeezed her hand back and with the other wiped a few tears from his eyes. "She gave me my son, I cherish him so much for that just as I cherish the time we had together. I'll always love her for that…but I'm tired of being lonely."

She smiled softly at him. "It sounds like you know what you want."

"I do," he replied, never taking his eyes off her. Lisbon blushed and withdrew her hand so she could brush the hair away from her face and drink her water again. "So, what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You say you don't have a husband or a boyfriend which I still find hard to believe…ever been close?"

Lisbon cleared her throat and nodded. "Once. I was engaged for about three weeks."

He raised his eyebrows at that comment. "What happened there?"

"I realized that nineteen was way too young to be getting married," Lisbon explained, "and there were things I wanted to do. So I gave him back the ring and I moved to California, went to school, became a cop and did exactly what I wanted."

Josh smiled at her proud statement. "Any regrets?"

"You know I actually ran into Greg a couple of years ago," Lisbon told him, "He's married, has three kids and we both realized that we had good memories but nothing else."

"That sounds good."

"It was," Lisbon said, "It was freeing to know that I'd made the right decision back then. If I'd stayed…I wouldn't have been me."

"And you wouldn't be here with me."

She blushed again and gave him a grin. "That's right."

They smiled coyly at each other for several seconds, neither one of them willing to look away yet.

It was the kind of staring match that Lisbon adored.

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Josh walked back with her to the CBI, both of them reluctant to end the conversation. They talked for a long time about their education, their childhood (Lisbon hadn't been so talkative there) and their own children. She avoided any mention of Alaina's father though; there was no way she was going to let Josh know about Jane and that chaotic mess.

Finally they arrived and stopped at the parking lot. "This was great," Lisbon told him honestly, "I'm a little late for work but I don't care."

"Neither do I," Josh replied, "I'm hoping that means that we could do this again sometime. Perhaps even dinner?"

"That sounds like an excellent idea," Lisbon surmised.

He grinned now. "Then I won't be afraid to call you."

"I'll be waiting," Lisbon said, meaning ever word.

She wondered if he would kiss her and honestly had no idea how she would feel about that but Josh didn't. Instead he squeezed her hand and gave her a very sexy wink before turning to leave. Looking back at her once over his shoulder.

Lisbon felt like a teenager all over again, wanting to jump up and down with excitement. She had no idea that her team had their noses pressed to the windows by Jane's couch, watching the whole exchange.

"He's good looking," Grace declared, studying the far off profile of Lisbon's date. "He doesn't look like a vet."

"What did you think a vet looked like?" Cho wondered aloud.

"Not like Paul Rudd," Grace replied, still peering at the couple below. "She seems to really like him."

"She barely knows him."

They were all a little startled by that comment from Jane. He was looking down at Lisbon and her date too…but it was with a different kind of curiosity.

"She's going to get to know him," Grace said, staring at Jane now.

He didn't look at her, his lips here pressed into a firm line. "Maybe…but a lot can happen. She might find she doesn't like him at all."

The three other members of the team exchanged shocked looks but it was Rigsby to asked. "You okay, Jane?"

"I'm fine," he told them quickly, "but there are more productive things that we could do then spy on Lisbon."

The team didn't know what surprised them more, Jane quickly leaving after making that pronouncement or the blatant hypocrisy in that statement. It seemed like Jane's favorite activity was spying after all.

"What is wrong with him?" Rigsby wondered after Jane left.

Cho crossed his arms. "What do you think?" He nodded in the direction of the window before taking a seat.

Rigsby and Grace looked at each other, neither wanting to admit what they knew.

Jane wasn't immune to jealousy after all.

* * *

_ About three weeks after Alaina's birth, Jane was getting a pretty good idea over how often he would get to see her. Lisbon wouldn't let him come over every day, it might have been superfluous to ask every evening then but Jane was doing it also just to prove that he really was serious about wanting to see her often. There had been concerns that she would only let him see Alaina once a week or maybe even just every few weeks but those concerns proved to be false. Every few days he could tell Lisbon would feel guilty and concede to let him spend a couple of hours with his daughter, he had a feeling that the phone calls every day certainly helped remind her as well._

_ He was nearing three days without seeing Alaina, which was torture. Every second he was away from his child hurt him, even worse when he couldn't do anything about it. Not yet at least. Lisbon was doing what she thought was best and he had no reason to fault her on it, he had to take his time and earn back her trust. Jane was no fool, he'd done a lot of terrible things to her before and she'd forgiven him, but this was most definitely the worst._

_ The idea that she might never forgive him was still a possibility but Jane was going to do everything he could to prevent that from happening. His new family was too precious for him to let it fall apart now._

_ Three days was the longest Lisbon had let him go without seeing Alaina, which is why Jane was confident that this time he would get a 'yes'. And his conversation with Cho earlier warned Jane that maybe Lisbon was in over her head at the moment._

_ He dialed her number already planning to head to his car and drive over to her place but was a little thrown when Lisbon answered her phone. It wasn't her haggard, "Lisbon," that surprised him but rather the sound of the squalling infant in the background._

_ Alaina cried often as newborns did but she rarely screamed her little head off._

_ "Hey, Lisbon," Jane began carefully, "Is everything all right there?"_

_ "Everything is fine," she told him quickly, "What do you want?"_

_ He raised an eyebrow at her tone. She sounded like she was at her wit's end. "I was wondering if I could come by and see Alaina tonight?"_

_ Lisbon sighed loudly. "Now really isn't a good time."_

_ At first he felt a stab of disappointment. "Are you sure?"_

_ If it was possible, Alaina's screams seemed to increase in volume. Jane heard the phone shuffle and he imagined that Lisbon was trying to juggle the baby and the phone at the same time. That was when Jane realized what was happening, Lisbon was feeling in over her head and she didn't want to admit it._

_ "I could come by and help you out," Jane offered._

_ "Everything is fine," she told him, directly contradicting what she had just said. Oh yes, it was definitely her pride talking. He just had to keep her on this path and she would say exactly what he wanted to hear._

_ "Really? Because it sounds like you could use a hand."_

_ "I'm handling this, Jane."_

_ "I'm sure you are, but if you want some help…"_

_ Alaina screamed again and Lisbon let out a groan. "Fine, Jane do whatever you want." Then she hung up on him._

_ But Jane smiled as he set down his phone. It wasn't an engraved invitation but he was going to take it._

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_ Twenty minutes later Jane knocked on Lisbon's door. It took a bit longer for Lisbon to come to the door but when she did she was already scowling. "What the hell are you doing here?"_

_ For once she was the mess. She was wearing baggy and sloppy sweats, her hair wasn't brushed and clearly she hadn't showered the night before. She looked completely exhausted and frustrated, never a good combination._

_ But as the mother of his child, she was breathtaking._

_ "You invited me," he reminded her with a smug smile._

_ "I did _not_."_

_ His smile grew, "You said 'do whatever you want'. What I want is to see Alaina, so here I am."_

_ Lisbon had the same look on her face the time she punched him. Jane prepared himself to duck when she pointed out, "That wasn't me telling you to come over, that was me telling you to shut up and leave me alone." _

_ But Jane just took it in stride. "Lisbon, I'm here. Let me help out." His tone was gentle and pleading. He wasn't sure it would have been enough except Alaina let out another screech and Lisbon looked like she was torn between crying and screaming herself._

_ In the end she didn't do either but simply stepped aside to let him in._

_ Alaina was in her bassinet, crying very loudly. Her face was beat red and her mouth open wide as she screamed. But Jane just smiled and picked her up. "What is the matter, little one? What is so important?"_

_ The baby hiccupped and paused at the new voice for just a minute, before she started crying again._

_ "She's been crying since last night," Lisbon admitted quietly._

_ Jane held Alaina close to him, feeling her hot skin. "Is she sick? She feels rather warm."_

_ "She has an ear infection," Lisbon explained, "that's why she has a slight fever. Her pediatrician has given her some antibiotics but she still isn't feeling well."_

_ Now he was surprised. "You took her to her doctor?"_

_ Lisbon nodded. "This morning."_

_ He didn't bother to hide his pain. Their child was ill and she hadn't called him, had simply taken her to the doctor without even letting him know. Jane wanted to be angry but did he really have that right? No, not when he'd told Lisbon for nine months that she would have to do it alone, he couldn't blame her for still believing that she had to._

_ Jane did his best to dismiss the obvious rebuff and simply kissed Alaina's warm head. "It's okay, sweetheart. You'll feel better soon."_

_ Lisbon sighed. "This really isn't a good time, Jane. Alaina isn't feeling well, maybe come back tomorrow when she's calmer."_

_ He shook his head. "I'm perfect right where I am."_

_ "I have this under control," she reminded him._

_ Perhaps but Jane could see that she was perilously close to breaking down. It was a lot of her to take all at once and no doubt this was rattling her, not being able to fully control the situation. He looked around at the mess that was her apartment, oh yes, she needed some help._

_ "What's that smell?" Jane asked innocently even though he had a very good idea what had happened._

_ He watched as Lisbon's face crumpled. "She finally was asleep for five minutes and I was making some stir-fry when she started screaming again. I lost track of time and it burnt and then the smoke alarm went off which only made her scream louder…" Now Lisbon was beginning to fall apart._

_ "It's okay," Jane told her quickly. Normally he would have put a hand on her shoulder but he decided not to push it._

_ "She won't sleep. She's not hungry or wet, it's like all she wants to do is cry!"_

_ "Have you tried the dryer?"_

_ Lisbon blinked and looked up at him confused. "What?"_

_ "Sometimes vibrations can calm them down."_

_ She shook her head and reached for one of her many parenting books. "That's not in the book. The book says…"_

_ "Forget about the book," Jane told her, "you can't learn tricks just from reading." Jane carried a screaming Alaina to her car seat carrier and gently set her in._

_ "What are you doing?" Lisbon asked as he picked up the carrier and headed towards her kitchen._

_ "A trick," Jane said simply. Her laundry area was to the side, hidden by folding screen doors. "Do you have anything in the dryer?"_

_ "No, I haven't done laundry in days."_

_ He simply shrugged and with the flick of a few switches he set the dryer on spin even though it was completely empty. Jane set the carrier with Alaina strapped in on top and let the vibrations and noise work their magic._

_ Alaina cried and then whimpered and then fell silent._

_ Jane turned to Lisbon with a grin, "Et viola." he declared, throwing up his hands dramatically as if presenting her a new car on a game show._

_ "Oh my God," Lisbon gasped out, staring at the baby. "She's quiet."_

_ Jane nodded, still smiling. "Yeah, give her a couple of minutes and I'm sure she'll be asleep in no time."_

_ Lisbon nodded her head numbly and after a couple of seconds, she stepped away leaving him alone with Alaina. Jane waited and watched as Alaina blinked her eyes sleepily for a few minutes before finally closing them completely. He waited a couple of extra minutes just to make sure she was completely asleep before turning off the dryer and picking her up to put her back down in her bassinet._

_ But when he went into the living room he saw Lisbon was sitting on the sofa with her face buried in her hands. There was no question what she was doing. She was crying._

_ Jane was quiet as he put Alaina back down in her bassinet and walked over to her mother. "Hey," he said softly, "you all right?"_

_ She shook her head but didn't look up at him. "I don't know what is wrong with me. All I want to do is scream and cry but I can't and every time she cries I just get so…so…" Lisbon didn't finish her sentence but just kept on crying._

_ Jane took a seat next to her but still didn't touch her, though he was aching to. "It's okay."_

_ "No…no it's not," Lisbon stammered out. "I can't stop, why can't I stop?"_

_ Now his lips twitched. "Your hormones are dropping and you're exhausted," Jane pointed out, "It's perfectly normal to feel this way."_

_ Lisbon finally looked up at Jane and he saw a look of fear in her eyes. "What if you were right? What if I can't do it?"_

_ Jane was confused now, and hurt. "I never said you couldn't do this."_

_ "But you said…"_

_ "No, I said _I_ couldn't do it," Jane reminded her, "and I was wrong about that." He thought about it for a moment before continuing, "I did say that it would be difficult and that you would have to make sacrifices but I never doubted you would find a way."_

_ Lisbon nodded but she didn't seem to feel much better. "Why did you come, Jane?"_

_ "You needed help."_

_ "I need to be able to figure out all of this on my own."_

_ "Why?" Jane asked, honestly wanting to know, "why can't you accept my help?"_

_ "Because…"_

_ "Because of what?" He asked again but Lisbon didn't say anything, just looked down at her hands. In the end he knew the answer already. Jane reached over and turned her head physically so she could look at him. "Lisbon, I know you can do this, I know you would be able to raise our child by yourself…but you will not have to do that. I promise you that I will be here to help you. Just because you can do it on your own…doesn't mean that you should."_

_ Lisbon was quiet for a long time; she didn't look at him but seemed to be thinking about what he'd said. He wondered briefly if maybe he'd finally gotten through to her, perhaps she would start to believe that he wasn't going to turn around and run like she expected of him._

_ Finally she gave a small shake of her head and stood up from the couch. "I'm going to go take a shower, now that she's asleep."_

_ Jane felt a pang of disappointment when he realized she was still keeping those walls up. But he did what he could to hide it. "That's a good idea, not just because you need one." She glared at him but he simply smiled. "I could have lied but that just seemed pointless."_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes at him. "Now you choose to be honest," she muttered as she trudged up the stairs to her bathroom._

_ He grinned as he watched her go. That little bit of banter had felt good, very good._

* * *

Jane knew he was being a bigger pain this week then normal, he also knew the reason for his surly behavior. He'd overheard Lisbon talking about Josh the vet with Grace; from the sounds of it he was a good guy and even better father. Jane wanted to hate the man for that, mostly because he knew that in comparison he was the one coming up short.

But he shouldn't feel this way. He'd already decided not to pursue his feelings for Lisbon, she deserved so much better. She deserved someone like this pet doctor.

That didn't mean he had to like it.

Of course what goes around comes around, his terse attitude could get him into trouble. One suspect didn't take things well and took his anger out on him of course. Rigsby and Cho were able to pull him away but not before he'd gotten a couple of punches in.

So now Jane was in the men's room checking on the swelling and cleaning up the blood. Bu he was surprised when Lisbon came in with a small orange first aid kit and a hard look in her eyes. "This is the men's room."

"Shut up," She told him harshly, "You've been a menace all week, I'm surprised I didn't do this to you myself."

"If it had been you it would be a lot worse."

That actually made her smile a little and she nodded. "You're right about that." She opened the first aid kit and pulled out some antiseptic, cotton balls and Band-Aids. Lisbon put some of the liquid onto a cotton ball and Jane let out a small yelp when he felt the sting. "Oh you be quiet, Alaina is supposed to be the baby, not you."

"Well Alaina isn't here right now, I need to compensate."

She rolled her eyes and continued to clean up the cut near his eye. "What am I going to do with you," she muttered.

"It seems like you already are."

Lisbon gave him another glare before moving onto another cut. "You will have to quit getting on people's nerves one of these days, or maybe just learn how to duck. What are you going to do when Alaina is older and she sees you with a black eye?"

"I'll just tell her that Mommy hit me again."

She smacked his shoulder hard for that comment but he didn't feel the pain, not when her cool fingertips were tracing over one cut. "If I'm annoying you so much, why are you here?" Jane asked honestly.

Lisbon looked into his eyes for a second and shrugged. "God knows how you would take care of yourself."

"So you do it for me?"

"Seems like that's how it's been since we met."

She peeled off the little paper bits on the bandage before gently smoothing it over one cut, her movements were soft and slow and he realized quickly that she was taking an inordinate amount of time. He met her eyes and they simply stared at one another and he could feel her warm breath on his face.

It was so much like the night they conceived Alaina that he couldn't help himself, reaching up to toy with one lock of her hair…just like he did that night. Jane heard her breathing sharpen and he knew she felt it too. He wanted to do it, just lean in closer and feel her lips against his, to experience that softness once more.

He didn't deserve this woman, he was certain of that. She'd taken care of him for years, being the rock he'd needed to keep him firmly on the ground, she'd even given him a child and he'd repaid her kindness with heartache and pain. But he loved her…there was no doubt in his mind that he did.

Screw it, he wanted to kiss and her damn well would.

But before Jane could lean in Lisbon was the one who backed away as if she'd been bitten. She cleared her throat and nervously played with her hair for a second. He felt that loss and knew she'd done this on purpose, pulled away because she was scared. He couldn't blame her in the least, not after what he'd done.

Lisbon moved over and began to repack the little first aid kit, she wasn't looking at him but there was no disguising the color in her cheeks. "Uh, what if I brought Alaina to your apartment tonight?"

He was a little surprised by that and had still been focused on the near kiss that it took him a minute to let it sink in. "Really?"

She nodded. "She needs to get used to your apartment before she can spend the night, it seems like a good idea."

"I'd love it."

"Good," Lisbon told him with a smile. She closed the kit and met his eye again. "I'll see you later, Jane."

She all but fled the bathroom but Jane was feeling pretty good. Sure he hadn't kissed her like he'd wanted to but there was no doubt in his mind she'd been tempted just like him. He liked that fact, he liked it very much.

* * *

_It was a good half hour later that Lisbon came down with her hair still a little damp and wearing a fresh pair of sleep pants and a long shirt. She plodded down the stairs but stopped at the bottom and stared at him. "You stayed?"_

_ "Why yes I did."_

_ She blinked a couple of times and caught sight and smell of something new. "And you ordered a pizza?"_

_ Jane grinned from the couch and simply opened the lid to the pizza box, revealing a large pizza with the works and one slice already missing. "You are hungry aren't you?"_

_ Lisbon stood there for a moment as if deciding whether or not her current anger towards him could be set aside enough for her to eat food he'd bought for her. In the end he saw that her stomach won the battle and she sat down on the couch, the pizza box separating them. "Thank you," she told him softly before quickly munching on a slice of pizza._

_ For a few minutes they remained quiet as they sat there on the sofa together eating pizza. She felt a little strange and ashamed of her earlier breakdown, almost as if she should apologize to him for crying like that. But mostly she felt exhausted._

_ "Why did you come?" she asked, her voice low and soft._

_ "Because you needed me and I wanted to."_

_ Lisbon had a piece of crust in her hands and she put it back in the box. "I don't want to need you."_

_ "No, I imagine you don't. But you don't want to need anybody," Jane reminded her, "still, there is no shame in admitting that you do need help."_

_ "From you?"_

_ "Lisbon, I've had a child before and Alaina is my child. If you feel stressed or overwhelmed I should be your first call."_

_ But she shook her head. "I don't know how to do that anymore. I have no idea how to trust you to be there when I need you, not now."_

_ Jane looked a little hurt by that but there was nothing she could do. He'd hurt her, there was no way she could change that and now way she could magically make herself trust him again. "I understand…but that doesn't mean you can't ask me for help."_

_ "It makes it difficult."_

_ "But not impossible," Jane pointed out, "you didn't call me when Alaina was sick not because of trust but anger. You didn't _want_ to call me; you don't _want_ me to be involved because you want to protect yourself. That's fine, I deserve it…but you know that the best thing for Alaina is a mother who isn't at her wits end and you know I can help with that."_

_ "You think this is about revenge?"_

_ "A little," Jane admitted, "maybe not consciously but you have to admit that you wouldn't mind hurting me after what I did."_

_ Okay, he was right there. She really would love to punch him in the face after the last nine months. "I want to protect my child."_

_ "Good, and it's my responsibility to get you to realize that you don't need to protect her from me."_

_ "You could hurt her."_

_ "Are you worried about me hurting her or me hurting you?" Jane asked, that question startled her._

_ Lisbon looked away she considered it. "Both."_

_ He sighed and nodded. "That's a reasonable fear."_

_ They were both quiet again with that acknowledgement between them. Jane knew that he had a lot of ground to make up for Lisbon and she felt a little strange admitting that she was afraid that Jane would hurt her again. "What now?" she asked aloud, not just to Jane but also to herself._

_ "I'm going to keep doing what I can to earn your trust," Jane told her honestly. Then he met her eyes and she saw a plea there. "I know I don't have any right to ask you for anything but I do think you should call me if you feel scared or if Alaina gets sick again."_

_ "Jane…"_

_ "I'm her father, I should know when she is taken to the doctor."_

_ God she hated it, this feeling of guilt. "Fine, I'll call you if I have to take her to the doctor." She said this grudgingly but knew Jane was right; she might need his medical history if anything so it was better to make sure he knew if something was wrong._

_ "And if you need help," Jane pressed, "call me. Then you can eat a real meal or take a shower, even an hour to yourself will make you feel better."_

_ It was hard to argue with him there, she was feeling a little bit more human now that she was at least clean. She stared straight ahead. "I can't do it, not every day."_

_ She could hear the pain in his voice. "I understand…you need more time."_

_ Lisbon nodded, still not looking at him. "I think you should leave now."_

_ He was quiet again and she didn't have to look at him to know he was a little upset. "All right."_

_ Jane got up from the sofa but left the pizza with her. "Don't let your anger keep you from asking for help," Jane urged her. "I want to be here for you."_

_ She nodded and finally met his eyes. "Okay."_

_ That one word seemed to make him feel better and he gave her a small smile before leaving the apartment. Lisbon remained curled up on the couch, once he was gone a few tears slipped from her eyes and she didn't really know why. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was exhaustion and maybe it was fear._

_ She was beginning to realize that there was really no way she could cut Jane out of her life, not now…and that meant her heart was at risk._

_ That terrified her more than anything._

* * *

Jane was excited at the prospect of having Alaina to himself at his apartment for an evening. It wasn't an overnight visit but it was a very good start. With the moment in the bathroom spurring him on, Jane was also thinking he might be able to coax Lisbon to stay a little while too.

He still wasn't sure what he should do about her though. He'd promised himself that he would keep their relationship firmly about their child and nothing more…but that was proving very difficult to keep. For now he wanted to keep her close…and maybe figure everything else out along the way.

So he decided to put together a lasagna so that when she brought Alaina he could convince her to stick around and eat a good meal. Maybe afterwards they could actually talk about this, their unspoken agreement to ignore the feelings between them was going to have to come to an end. Maybe they wouldn't get together but at the very least they would put all of their cards on the table.

When she knocked on the door Jane was prepared for everything…except to find her wearing little black dress and heels.

For a few seconds all he could do was stare at her. He'd actually never seen her like this, not when she was actually trying to look sexy. God help him if he had seen her in that dress before there is no way he would have been able to resist her for so many years.

"Would you like to take Alaina?" Lisbon asked, looking at him curiously. No doubt because he was just standing there like a moron.

"What? Oh, yes," Jane said, nearly forgetting about the baby in her arms. He reached over and took Alaina, now getting an unobstructed view of Lisbon's neckline, which only made things even more difficult. "What are you…you look…uh wow."

Lisbon blushed a little before setting Alaina's diaper bag down. "Thanks.

He took a couple of steps back, Alaina was wide-awake and playing with the collar of his shirt but he was still focused on her mother. He was supposed to be doing something? Oh yes, he needed her to stay and have dinner and stop thinking about how good her legs looked in that dress. "Would you like to come in? I was making something for dinner and I have more than enough."

"Oh that's sweet and it smells great," Lisbon told him, "but I actually have plans. Josh and I are going out."

He felt a strange ache in his gut at that last sentence, a bitter taste filling his mouth and something painful began to build up inside of him. All he could do was nod as Lisbon stepped forward and kissed Alaina's head. "I'll be back in a couple of hours, maybe next time?"

"Sure," Jane said woodenly. He watched as Lisbon waved good-bye to their child before slipping out of the door…on her way to a date with another man.

Alaina let out a little coo, her hand wrapped around a small giraffe ring that she could chew on. He looked down at her beautiful face but couldn't draw much comfort from it at the moment; she looked so much like her mother.

"I guess now I'm the babysitter," He muttered bitterly, "while she can go on and date other men."

Their daughter wasn't aware of what was going on, just chewed on her little ring and flicked her focus up to her father for a moment. "It's fine," Jane told her, "she should be happy, after everything that happened I have no right to be jealous. This is what I wanted, I wanted her to find a man who deserved her."

He just hadn't thought it would hurt this much.

That was stupid. He should have known, he loved this woman to a distraction _before_ she'd become the mother of his child. How could he have thought he could keep himself from loving her afterwards?

"Daddy is an idiot isn't he?"

Alaina let out a little shriek, which Jane took as an unqualified "yes".

* * *

A/N: I think this is the first time in this fic that I've actually felt sorry for Jane LOL poor guy, but now he realizes that he's going to have to fight for Lisbon! hehehe so I think you guys will enjoy what's to come

Next chapter: Josh finds out who Alaina's father is and isn't happy that Lisbon tried to conceal it and Jane gets a distinct advantage in the battle for Lisbon's heart when circumstances force Lisbon to MOVE IN WITH HIM! hehehe

In the flashbacks, Lisbon starts to play Alaina's christening but is thrown for a loop when Jane asks if he can be there.


	13. Not Your Secret to Tell

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Hey this wasn't THAT long of a wait LOL but here it is. My niece was born on Friday so it's babies all on my mind which was good for this fic LOL I think you guys will enjoy this chapter, especially when Lisbon is the one who takes the wrong turn so to speak hehehe. Enjoy! Only a few more chapters left!

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Jessica:** I laughed when I saw your review because I knew I was posting soon. Yes Jane is realizing that he wants Lisbon, he'll keep getting closer and closer to actually doing something about it soon LOL. I'm glad you liked it so much

**Sabrina:** Just wait until you read this chapter! LOL more fun and a bit of interest with Josh, jealous Jane is ALWAYS fun

**Sheila's Pets:** LOL Josh is supposed to be a great guy, you aren't the only one who wants him! LOL you'll get a brief explanation about Alaina's first birthday in the epilogue. I also think I might write a few one shots about Alaina and her parents after this fic is done, I'm reluctant to let them go.

**Merylin:** You'll get plenty of Alaina in this chapter, I hope that makes up for it LOL Lila will be coming back in chapter 15 and that chapter is going to be HUGE!

**Kinzell Brighton:** You'll see what makes Lisbon move in with Jane, I think a lot of people will sympathize with her

**Maya:** In some ways he already is, she never really stopped loving him, she just thinks she did. You can still see the attraction and feelings, it's mostly just her realizing that she needs to risk her heart again and this time Jane won't break it.

**Anonymous:** LOL Holly has been promised Josh! LOL but he is a great guy. Glad you liked this chapter

**Anonymous:** Hehehe yes Jane did need a kick in the pants and you'll see he'll keep it up, he knows what he wants now.

* * *

Chapter 13: Not Your Secret to Tell

"Did you bring the camera?" Lisbon asked as soon as Jane walked through the door.

He grinned and held up the case that was hooked over his shoulder. "Right here."

"Good," Lisbon said. She was sitting on the couch, checking the battery life of her own video camera. Alaina was on a little blanket on the floor, batting her little pink seahorse against the carpet. She grinned as soon as she saw her father, bringing the tail of the toy to her mouth to chew on it.

"Hey, sweetheart," Jane said, kneeling down so he could lift her up into his arms. She let out happy squeal, "Are you ready for your first taste of real food?"

Alaina gurgled, drooling quite a bit now that she was teething a little. "She better be ready," Lisbon replied dryly, "It would be nice if I didn't have to vacuum my breasts dry at work."

Jane rolled his eyes at that; he rose to his feet with Alaina still in his arms. "Are you set up in the kitchen?"

She nodded. "You can put her in the feeding chair on the table. I just want to get the video camera stationed and then we can figure out what she's going to eat today."

He did just that, setting Alaina down in her little purple seat and making sure she was buckled in securely while Lisbon fiddled with the camera on the counter top, putting a couple of books under it so that it was just the right height.

Once that was done she turned around to look at the scene of their daughter sitting up in her chair, calmly sucking on her hand. "What do you want to feed her?" Lisbon asked, heading over to the cupboard where she'd placed the many tiny baby food jars she'd bought the day before. "I've got sweet potatoes, spinach, rice formula."

"None of that sounds appetizing."

"Well _you_ aren't going to eat it."

Jane stepped up behind her and she found herself trapped by the cupboard and Jane's front. Lately he'd had no qualms with invading her personal space…or maybe she was becoming even more aware of him. At any rate his presence still sent a thrill down her spine. She saw his large skillful hands reach up and selected a small jar of applesauce. "Well, we both know she's going to love fruit."

Lisbon turned around, realizing they were mere inches apart. "You're so certain?"

He grinned making her heart beat wildly again. "Well she is _our_ child."

She couldn't find her voice now, just nodded numbly. Jane took the jar over to the table where Alaina still sat, idly waiting to see what her parents were going to do next. Lisbon walked over and turned on the video camera. "You can use the plastic spoon over there." She took his own camera from him.

"You're going to take pictures?"

"Well if it's me, we have a better shot of them actually being in focus."

He gave her a wicked grin. "And to think, you praised my steady hands."

Lisbon blushed fiercely and smacked his shoulder. "You shouldn't say that on video…or ever."

"You're the one who hit me."

She didn't reply to that comment, just palmed the camera in her hands. "Just start feeding her before I kick you out for being annoying."

Jane chuckled before deftly twisting the top off of the jar, then he became the proud parent once more. "All right, Alaina's first bite of solid food. Let's see how much actually goes into her mouth."

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Don't forget the bib."

"You forget who you are talking to."

She ignored his little joke and watched as he fastened on Alaina's little yellow bib, the baby immediately tried to chew on it making both of her parents laugh. Jane pulled the bib gently out of her mouth. "Nope, you're not eating this."

He dipped the spoon into the jar and pulled out a small serving before teasing Alaina's lip. The baby turned her head a little, not used to a foreign object being shoved in her face but Jane gently slipped the spoon between her lips. About half of the serving of applesauce dripped down her chin but Alaina instinctively chewed and swallowed before smiling a little.

"She likes it!" Lisbon exclaimed, hurrying to take a series of photos.

"Of course she does," Jane replied calmly, "she takes after both of us."

"Well give her more!"

Jane laughed at her eagerness. "You want her to choke?"

"Stop joking around and feed our child."

He chuckled again before digging the plastic spoon into the jar and pulling out another healthy bite of applesauce. "All right, Alaina, time to open wide again."

"Thanks for not saying, 'here comes the choo choo," Lisbon said as she snapped a few more pictures of Jane and their daughter. Alaina chewed on another bite of applesauce, more of it dribbling down face and onto the bib.

"I've always found that phrase ridiculous," Jane admitted, reaching up to wipe Alaina's face with her bib, "who wants a train careening for their mouth?"

"Or a plane or any other vehicle," Lisbon agreed. She set the camera down and walked over to her little girl, smiling at the image of her messy face and bright eyes. Here she was getting her first bite of solid food; just six months ago she was tiny little infant she'd been holding in the hospital.

"My big girl," Lisbon whispered, leaning down to kiss her head, "Growing up so fast."

Jane nodded. "Cherish the moments…you'll never get them back."

She turned to look at him, expecting to see him be sad, probably thinking about the daughter he'd lost. But there wasn't any melancholy in his gaze, pain would always be there but now she was seeing a Patrick Jane that had found some measure of peace.

The moment was interrupted by her cell phone chirping. She checked it on the counter and saw a text from Josh. A simple, _I'm thinking of you_ that made her smile. Jane noticed. "Still seeing Josh?"

Lisbon put the phone down quickly and tried to hide the slight blush to her cheeks. "We talk," she said lamely.

Jane was studying her though and she got the distinct feeling he wasn't about to end this conversation as much as she wanted to. Lisbon stopped the video camera from recording; she didn't want her daughter's first feeding to also feature Jane's first interrogation about her love life.

"Have you seen him recently?"

"We've been busy," Lisbon admitted, stepping back over to Alaina. "Why are you so curious?"

"Can't I be?" Lisbon rolled her eyes, taking the spoon from Jane so she could try feeding Alaina herself. But Jane wasn't done with his questioning. "Have you kissed him yet?"

"What the hell kind of a question is that?"

Jane smiled. "So you haven't, interesting."

She wasn't sure why Jane found that fact _interesting_ but she just knew it annoyed her. "We're taking things slow, that's all."

Lisbon kind of hoped that would be the end of it but Jane surprised her once again. "I'd like to meet him."

"What?" Lisbon asked, turning to gape at him.

"I think I should meet this Josh."

She stared at him for a moment as if he'd lost his mind. "No…and why?"

"Why?"

"Why do you think you have the right to meet my…to meet Josh?"

Jane seemed intrigued by her slip but chose not to bring it up. "You are the mother of my child."

"So?"

"So do you not agree that I have a right to know the man who may or may not become involved in my daughter's life?"

Damn he had a good point there, a very good point. But that didn't meant Lisbon wanted Jane to meet Josh, partly because Josh still didn't know about Jane. "Okay, you're right. But I'm not sure if Josh is going to be anything important or not, until then there really isn't a point."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Two weeks in and you still haven't decided?"

Lisbon tried to hide her discomfort. "We've been busy, like I said, we are taking things slow."

He shrugged. "All right then," but he seemed far too smug despite his cool response.

She considered pushing him on his behavior but her desire to stop talking about Josh with Jane won out. "Let's finish feeding Alaina before it all comes out again." He gave her an amused look and she just smiled back. "I thought you'd want to take care of that."

"Your kindness is unfailing," Jane replied dryly.

Lisbon laughed and took up the spoon again, resisting the urge to say 'here comes the choo choo' despite her earlier put down.

This was a time when she loved being a mom.

* * *

_ Lisbon decided that Alaina needed to be introduced to her coworkers properly, without her being sick and her mother actually looking like a member of the human race. So she dressed Alaina up in an adorable little white dress, put a headband with a bow on her mostly bald head and little white socks on her feet…the ones Jane had given her in the hospital. Lisbon chose them because they were cute, she didn't want to attach any sentimentality to them._

_ She was dressed in some nice early maternity pants she'd gotten, she hated that she still wasn't in her old clothes. Her hair was washed and she even had a little bit of makeup on, from the reflection in the mirror she didn't think people would notice that she was exhausted._

_ The guards on duty were the first to ooh and aww over Alaina, Ralph was very exuberant in his hello, being the first to make Alaina laugh. It was slow work making her way up to the bullpen; Lisbon was feeling something like the pied piper only instead of attracting rats she was being followed by all of the women in the CBI._

_ Eventually she did make it up to the bullpen but found it empty save for Grace. The woman caught sight of Alaina and smiled broadly. "Oh look at you!" she gasped and raced over to coo over the baby._

_ Lisbon grinned and shook her head. "Well, Alaina. Your godmother can't seem to get enough of you."_

_ "No, I can't," Grace agreed picking Alaina up and holding her close. She caught Lisbon's eye. "What are you doing here?"_

_ "I wanted to let Alaina meet everyone here," Lisbon explained, "and I wanted to drop these off." She held up a small stack of envelopes that Grace recognized. The invitations to Alaina's christening, Grace had helped her pick out the right ones and select a photograph for the favors._

_ Lisbon walked over to Cho and Rigsby's desks and placed one white envelope on each one. "Where are the guys?"_

_ "Jane and Cho are interviewing a suspect and Rigsby went to go get some lunch."_

_ She nodded, "Well make sure they see these all right?"_

_ "Of course," Grace replied, "the service is in two weeks right?"_

_ Lisbon nodded, "At my church and we can have a small reception afterwards at my place. Just cake really, I'll have to order that." Along with a million other things._

_ "And your brother is going to be the godfather?"_

_ "Yes, he's going to fly in that weekend, he knows that you are Alaina's godmother so he's looking forward to meeting you."_

_ "I guess he would be," Grace pointed out with a smile, "since we'll be responsible for Alaina's soul together."_

_ Lisbon just shook her head. "That's one way to put it." She smiled at her friend and reached over to take her daughter back. "I'm going to go see Wallace and let her meet Alaina, she's been begging to see her since before she was born."_

_ "Of course, I bet everyone else is too."_

_ Lisbon thought about the hoard of women she'd had to wade through just to get to the bullpen. "You have no idea."_

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ It took over an hour for Lisbon to make her way back through the building as she kept having to stop and let everyone coo over Alaina. Wallace had been adorable with the baby, holding her close and talking nonsense to her. At least she'd gotten her to step out of the morgue so Alaina wasn't around dead bodies._

_ The most awkward moment was when Lisbon had run into Bertram. The man had been startled to see the baby to say the least, even more so since they both knew who the father of her child was. He'd been courteous enough to compliment her daughter but he kept giving her a good long look, probably noting the parts of Jane that were obvious. Then he gave Lisbon a disapproving glance, he didn't like it one bit that she'd had a baby with Jane._

_ Neither did she._

_ Now she was trying to make it out of the building but she was stopped again for another cooing session. This time it was by some friends that Lisbon was inviting to the christening. Holly, Christina and Eva doted on Alaina like she was the only baby in the world. They kept passing her back and forth and Alaina enjoyed the attention, not fussing even a little bit._

_ "Oh look at those big eyes," Eva exclaimed._

_ "And her little nose," Christina cooed, she gave Lisbon a grin. "She looks like you."_

_ Lisbon nodded happily. "Yes she does."_

_ "She has such long fingers," Holly pointed out, "It means she's going to be artistic."_

_ Lisbon let out a small laugh there. "We'll have to see about that, she's only three weeks old."_

_ "As long as her artistic talents don't include conning people," Christina stated, her wry humor was a part of her charm but it did make Lisbon blush. Oh yes, everyone knew who provided half of Alaina's genes. Eva smacked Christina for her comment to which she replied, "What? Everyone already knows."_

_ "Well now I don't—," Lisbon began but she couldn't finish her thought when the man in question came walking up._

_ Jane caught one look at Alaina and immediately hurried over. Lisbon was trapped, now here they were about to have a very public family reunion. "Hello there," Jane greeted his daughter with a smile and then caught Lisbon's eye. "I didn't know you were coming."_

_ "I wanted Alaina to meet everyone at the office," Lisbon stated woodenly, she was keeping her distance from him as much as she could._

_ "Hmmm," Jane murmured and smiled at the other women, "I can see she's very popular."_

_ The three women were gaping at him with wide eyes though Christina had something of a smirk on her face. Still they all became brain dead ninnies when around the aura of Patrick Jane. Alaina was squirming a little in Holly's arms, now she was deciding to cry after being cheerful all afternoon._

_ "May I?" Jane asked and Holly wordlessly handed Alaina over to her father. Jane was quick to start soothing the baby. "It's all right sweetheart, Daddy is here," he said sweetly to his daughter and kissing her head._

_ Lisbon wondered what kind of show this was, if he was trying to prove he was a better person or if he was just showing off in front of the office. She noticed that their friends were exchanging looks. She knew that word had gotten around that Jane was the father of her child, more than that people were curious about his behavior during the pregnancy._

_ It was confusing for everyone…but the best gossip in years too._

_ "She's hungry," Lisbon told Jane and immediately reached over to claim her daughter._

_ Jane was a bit reluctant to hand over the baby but he didn't have much of a choice at the moment. "You could take her to your office," he suggested._

_ Lisbon just nodded primly. "We'll be fine." She gave he other three women a tight smile. "I'll see you guys later."_

_ "Bye Alaina!" Eva chimed and the other two women waved too while Lisbon walked away._

_ She heard Jane's charming, "Ladies," as he bid goodbye too before hurrying to catch up. "Lisbon…hey Lisbon."_

_ She had little choice but to slow down as much as she wanted to just walk away. "Yes, Jane?"_

_ He looked into her eyes while lightly stroking Alaina's hair. "You all right?"_

_ "I'm fine, Jane."_

_ "I just wanted to make sure."_

_ "Things are fine," she told him quickly. "I have to feed Alaina and you have a case you need to get back to."_

_ She turned to leave but Jane caught her arm, stopping her in her tracks. "Can I see her tonight?"_

_ Lisbon wanted to say no, especially after the display just a few minutes before. But she made the mistake of looking at his pleading eyes which reminded her she hadn't let him see Alaina for a couple of days._

_ "All right, you can come over," Lisbon told him, immediately hating herself._

_ Jane grinned and leaned down to kiss Alaina. "You hear that? Daddy is going to see you tonight!"_

_ Alaina whimpered a little, she was still hungry. But Jane didn't care, he smiled at Lisbon. "Thank you."_

_ She just nodded and walked away wondering once again if she was making a mistake. She was aware of the eyes that followed her, eyes that had been fixed on her and Jane during this little exchange._

_ Everyone had questions…but she wasn't going to give them answers._

* * *

Jane was in the bullpen enjoying a book while the rest of the team took an early lunch, it was a slow day and they were all trying to find some way to fill the time that didn't include paperwork. Lisbon was trapped in a meeting with Bertram so she wasn't able to enjoy the free time herself, but Jane had his suspicions that she had her own plans if her light mood was any indication.

The vet was a complication that Jane had to admit, he didn't like. Jealousy was an emotion he wasn't used to anymore, he'd vowed to never indulge in that particular feeling again but he was only human. In the end there was little point in disavowing jealousy, now he had to find a way to stop this.

If there was one thing Jane knew was how to manipulate people. He was sure he could get Josh away from Lisbon fairly quickly.

A week. Tops.

He just needed to come up with the right plan, but that meant getting to know Josh enough to figure out how to push him and Lisbon apart. Unfortunately Lisbon was not as keen on letting them meet. It was interesting, something Jane chose to see as positive, if she truly was indifferent towards him then she wouldn't have any problems with him meeting a potential suitor.

That or she was aware of his feelings. But Jane was sure she didn't know that much, Lisbon was still confused in that regard.

He was still mulling over what little he knew when a complete stranger walked into the bullpen. With his Visitor's I.D. and the overwhelmed look on his face, coupled with the slight aroma of wet dog, Jane was certain that this man was the vet.

"I'm sorry," Josh said as he noticed Jane, "I'm looking for Teresa Lisbon."

Yes this was Josh, well he was a little older than Jane had assumed since he was a single father. He shouldn't have been surprised; Lisbon was not one to go after younger men. Jane stood up from his couch with a small-satisfied smile. "She's in a meeting right now with her boss," He shook Josh's hand. "I'm Patrick Jane."

"Josh Avery," he replied, "I was here to meet Teresa for lunch."

"Yes, I've heard about you," Jane said smoothly, "You're the vet who is trying to woo our fair team leader."

Josh looked a bit uncomfortable with that characterization and Jane hid his own amusement. "Uh, I guess that is one way to put it."

It was time to start the interrogation.

"What's your favorite color?" Jane asked calmly.

Now the man looked confused, that generally wasn't the first question that came to mind when meeting someone. "Blue…I guess."

Jane nodded, "Interesting, blue is the color of deliberation and introspection, conservatism and duty. You're patient, persevering, conscientious, sensitive and self-controlled. You don't take risks with a steady personality, you certainly don't condone flamboyant behavior."

"What?"

"It's probably what attracted you to Lisbon. She's a single mother and she needs a steadying figure in her life, you can fill that niche and you certainly can relate with your own personal life." Jane continued calmly.

Josh was gaping at him as if he had a second head. "Who are you exactly?"

"I'm merely making out your character, it's important for me to know exactly who you are."

"Why? What makes you believe you have to…I don't know… _protect_ Teresa?"

"And Alaina," Jane finished.

"Excuse me?"

That was when Jane realized his suspicions were correct. Lisbon hadn't been keeping information solely from Jane but more her new man as well. The reason for that intrigued him. "She didn't tell you?"

Josh looked confused now. "Tell me what?"

Jane couldn't help but smile. "I'm Alaina's father."

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Lisbon was so glad her meeting with Bertram was over. Poker games had long since been a thing of the past since she'd given birth to a baby and if that hadn't gotten rid of any good will on his part, the fact that Jane was the father certainly had. She had a feeling Bertram was never going to get over her little indiscretion but he was probably angrier that she'd never shown any remorse over it. Well her boss could deal with it; she wasn't going to apologize for having a baby.

She made her way back to the bullpen ready to call Josh and see if he would mind a slightly later lunch then planned but the sound of a raised voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Nine years? You've worked with her for _nine_ years?"

"Repeating it doesn't make it less true," Jane said simply.

"How did this happen?"

"You have a son, I'm certain you know the mechanics of reproduction."

Lisbon had heard enough. She raced into the bullpen to see Jane and Josh both standing in the middle of the room. Josh looked angry, something she had never seen on him before and Jane…well Jane was looking pleased with himself. A fact confirmed when Jane saw her. "Ah, here she is, the mother of my child."

She wanted to hit him for saying that; she knew it was probably just to rub it in Josh's face. Josh turned around to look at her; he was bewildered and still mad. "Teresa, what is going on here?"

"Josh," Lisbon said evenly, "I can explain."

"Is _he_ Alaina's father?"

Jane waited patiently with raised eyebrows, probably checking to make sure she didn't lie. That idea didn't cross her mind; she just knew she was in a no-win situation here. "Yes, he is."

Josh shook his head. "I don't believe this."

"How did you think Alaina was conceived then?" Jane wondered, still looking amused.

"Since she never mentioned a father I thought it was a donation or something."

Now Jane started laughing and Lisbon began to rethink her decision not to beat him to death. But there was something more important that she had to deal with before killing the father of her child.

"Josh, let's go to my office and I will explain in _private_," Lisbon told him, giving Jane a glare on the last word.

Jane shrugged. "Hey, don't shoot the messenger, it's not my fault you didn't tell him the truth."

"Shut up," she hissed, grabbing Josh's arm and half dragging him to her office.

Lisbon shut the door, locking it and then closing the blinds, she took a deep breath before turning around and facing Josh. "Okay, I know you are confused."

"No, I'm not, I can figure things out myself," Josh replied, "You slept with your co-worker and then had a baby."

"Is that why you are upset? Because I made a mistake?"

"Of course not."

"Then what is it?"

Josh gave her a serious look. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say who Alaina's father is or that he's involved in her life?"

Lisbon wasn't sure how to answer that at all. "I…I just didn't know how to explain everything between us. It's just so…complicated."

"Why don't you try?"

She was quite for a very long time as she sorted out how to do this exactly. In the end she knew that she had to start off by explaining Jane.

"I met Jane nine years ago when he came to the CBI wanting to look at the Red John case file. Before that he was a con artist who pretended to be a psychic, he made a mistake on TV and Red John decided to exact revenge by killing his wife and daughter." Lisbon stuck to what the public knew, omitting Jane's stint in a mental hospital. "Jane was very helpful on a case so he was offered a position here and he could work the Red John case…he wanted revenge too."

"So…what?" Josh asked, "After nine years you just randomly slept with him?"

"No, it's more…God I don't even know how to say it." Lisbon said with a shake of her head. "He's completely broken. You understand what it is like to lose someone you love; can you imagine losing your son too? And believing that it was your own fault? Jane is walking disaster area but he's also saddest person I have ever met. Somewhere along the way, in between being a pain in my ass and getting into trouble every week…somehow I started looking out for him. We have the most dysfunctional friendship I know but I have to protect him…I just didn't want to see him in pain."

Josh had been silent, letting her explain but he was rather intuitive himself. "Were you in love with him?"

Lisbon looked away, really hating that question. She thought about lying but she didn't think she would get away with it.

"Yes."

Josh tried not to react to her answer but she could see he didn't like it one bit. Still, he remained calm. "So how long were you in a relationship with him?"

"We weren't," Lisbon told him honestly.

"Then what happened?"

"It was once, one time. It shouldn't have happened and it was really _my_ fault." Lisbon met his eyes sheepishly. "He was drunk, I took him home and…and things just happened. Of course we both realized it was a mistake and decided to never talk about it again."

"But you said you loved him."

"I did," she told him.

"Did he love you?"

"I…I don't know," she admitted. She saw Josh was about to speak, probably to protest that but she cut him off. "Jane isn't one to show his feelings."

"But he slept with you," Josh pointed out.

Lisbon shrugged. "He can separate sex and love, he's done it before." Perhaps she said that too bitterly because Josh looked a little upset.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

Josh looked at her incredulously. "You say you loved him, you worked with him nine years and you have a child together. Is it a stretch to think you might still have feelings for him?"

"That's impossible."

"Is it?"

"Yes," she told him quickly, "A lot happened between us, I can't be with him again. Not like that."

"How am I supposed to believe that? You just told him that you've been trying to help him for years, that you were in love with him…how do those feelings just suddenly go away?"

There was no getting out of this. Lisbon didn't want to lose Josh; she didn't want to lose this opportunity to finally have the 'perfect dream'. She didn't owe Jane anything, not after this past year.

Lisbon sight heavily. "My mother died when I was twelve."

"What?"

"Let me finish," she told him quickly. "She died when I was twelve and my dad…he didn't take it well. He became an alcoholic…and would become abusive sometimes…a lot actually." She looked up to see that Josh was gaping at her now with a mixture of shock and horror. "I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me…but so that when I say that no one has ever hurt me as badly as Jane has…you understand how much I mean it."

She took another deep breath before explaining the whole truth.

"Jane and I agreed that we wouldn't talk about the night we slept together ever again, but then I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, I hadn't thought I would ever have kids and certainly not like this. I told Jane about the baby because I thought…I don't know I guess I thought he would help me figure things out.

"Instead he told me to get an abortion," Lisbon explained, her voice slightly detached as memories came rushing back. "I realized that I wanted the baby so I told him no. That was when he told me in no uncertain terms that he would have nothing to do with me or the baby." She paused for a second as she gathered herself again. "After that he ignored me for months. He wouldn't look at me or talk to me, the rest of my team found out and they didn't want to work at him. I tried to fix things but he refused unless I would get rid of the baby. I knew Jane could be hard man but cruelty was not something I expected from him, _ever_."

Josh was reverent now. "But you still worked with him."

"I didn't have much of a choice. He wouldn't leave and I…I had to stay. At first I was thinking that he would change his mind, that he was just afraid and then…then I just had to stay because I was about to become a single mom, leaving my job was not going to be an option."

"But he's involved now," Josh pointed out.

Lisbon nodded. "I got into a car accident in my last month. Jane donated blood to save Alaina's life. I decided to thank him for that and he happened to be in the room when they brought her in. When he saw her…everything changed. He fell in love with her immediately, becoming a doting father and begging me for forgiveness."

"And you did."

She shook her head. "Not right away, not by any means. It took a very, _very_ long time for me to trust Jane with Alaina. I don't think I could ever trust him with my heart again." She met Josh's eyes. "Don't you see? Things between Jane and me are done. He's just the father of my child, nothing more."

"That's still a big thing," Josh pointed out.

"No more so than a divorced mother."

He considered her explanation for a moment, his eyes slightly suspicious. "Are you sure?" Lisbon hesitated only for a second before nodding her head. "Okay," Josh said, relaxing a bit, "Okay."

"Good," Lisbon replied, just glad that this part was finally over. She decided to push her luck. "Do you want to get some lunch?"

He thought about it for a moment. "It's a little late, I need to get back to the office."

Lisbon sagged a little, certain that Josh really needed some time to think. "Okay," she said sadly. He made to leave but she surprised him but grabbing his hand and pulling him towards her.

This wasn't how she planned their first kiss but it wasn't an unpleasant task by any means. Josh was a good kisser, his lips soft and gentle. It felt nice and comfortable, everything she needed.

When she pulled away she saw that Josh was a little dazed and clearly much happier. "I'll call you tonight," Lisbon told him smugly.

"Yeah," Josh replied, smiling a little now himself.

She watched him go with a bit of relief that they had managed to survive this. It was only when the door was closed and she was alone once again that she began to think about what she'd done.

She'd told someone very personal and intimate details about her life…not just her life but Jane's as well. Did she really have the right to tell Josh about Jane's sins? Lisbon couldn't help but feel guilty for that. Usually Jane was the one who did the wrong thing…this time Lisbon had a feeling that she was the one who'd messed up.

_He doesn't deserve this_, Lisbon told herself, _you shouldn't have said anything._

_He was a terrible person to you during your pregnancy._

_ But I forgave him._

_ Did you?_

There was the big question Lisbon didn't want to answer. She'd told Jane she'd forgiven him and she did trust him with her child. She could let him have Alaina all day and she knew that Jane would never walk away from his child again. There was no doubt in her mind.

But she didn't trust him with herself. It was time to admit that the scars Jane had inflicted weren't just about their child but because he'd broken her heart. She'd loved him deeply, something she had never felt before even with her ex-fiancé. Jane had taken that love and destroyed it in his fear. Her father's fists had never hurt her as much as Jane's cold indifference.

There was the truth. She could forgive Jane for Alaina's sake…but not for hers. She couldn't love him again.

Lisbon couldn't help but remember something her mother told her when she was little. _"Love is when you can't hate, no matter how much wrong is done to you."_

That was what bothered her because Lisbon knew she'd never hated Jane.

* * *

_ "Davidson didn't do it," Jane declared._

_ "He doesn't have an alibi," Cho pointed out._

_ "Who ever killed Sandra has a brutal narcissistic streak, Davidson is too generous," he explained, "We need to look into Sandra's coworkers, corporate stooges can't think of anybody but themselves."_

_ "That still doesn't prove he's innocent."_

_ "You can't prove he's guilty either," Jane replied._

_ Cho wasn't an idiot; he knew that he had to trust Jane's feelings and intuitions because that was precisely why Jane was here. But he didn't want to give in quite so easily, no need to stoke Jane's already impressive ego._

_ He turned to Grace. "Van Pelt, run through her co-workers, see if anything interesting comes up."_

_ She was quick to do as her temporary boss requested. Rigsby stood up from his desk probably to get a refill on his coffee. Jane knew when his work was done for the moment, he was ready to go back to his couch and pass the time until he could see Alaina._

_ But the open invitation on Rigsby's desk caught his eye._

_ It was the picture of Alaina on it that made him stop to look. She was curled up asleep on a little white blanket, looking like a perfect angel. It took a few seconds for Jane to stop admiring his daughter and read the script underneath_

Teresa invites you the christening of her daughter

Alaina Grace Lisbon

Sunday, August 15, 2012 11:00AM

St. Michael's Church and reception afterwards

Please RSVP at your earliest convenience

_ Jane picked it up and stared at the paper in front of him. "What is this?" he asked aloud even though he already knew the answer._

_ Cho glanced up at him and saw the invitation in his hand. "Can't you read?"_

_ Okay, he deserved that comment. Jane turned his attention to the only member of the team that was actually willingly speaking to him. "When did you get this?"_

_ He shrugged. "It was on my desk when we got back from interrogation, she must have dropped them off."_

_ Jane turned to look at Grace who was suddenly very interested in her job, he walked over to her. "Grace, you're her godmother, you knew about this."_

_ She flicked her eyes up to his, still smoldering with anger and indifference. "Yes, I helped pick the invitations."_

_ Jane knew she enjoyed rubbing in his face how much more welcome she was in Alaina's life, more so then Alaina's own father. "Do you know why she didn't tell me?"_

_ "Why would she?"_

_ "I'm Alaina's father, I'd like to know about these things."_

_ Grace rolled her eyes. "You don't believe in God, why would you care if she gets baptized or not?"_

_ Well he supposed that excuse was better than the usual, 'you ignored your child for nine months' explanation. "She's my child, I want to know about these things."_

_ "So you can stop it?"_

_ "No."_

_ "Then what?"_

_ Jane didn't say anything; he wasn't sure how he could explain something personal to someone who was glaring at him with such vitriol. After a moment, Grace turned back to her computer in a huff, probably thinking she'd won this battle._

_ He made his way back to his couch to sit down, still smarting from being left out of yet another event in Alaina's life._

_ But this time there was something he could do._

* * *

Jane knew Lisbon was still angry with him for interrogating her suitor, he didn't want to call him her boyfriend, not when he was certain that this relationship wasn't going to last. He was fine with her being miffed at him, especially now that she couldn't use Alaina in her petty vengeance, she couldn't keep him from their child unless she wanted to break the law. No, she just resorted to her old techniques of trying to ignore him, which never worked in the first place.

It was Saturday but not his Saturday with Alaina so Jane had to find new methods of distracting himself. There was nothing preventing him from going to Lisbon's and seeing his child, usually that is exactly what he would do except he knew that Lisbon deserved a little along time with Alaina herself. Besides, she was still mad at him.

Josh was little more than a nuisance at the moment but Jane couldn't tamper the thought that this threat was more severe then he originally assumed. It didn't help learning more information on the man, especially after Grace told Cho and Rigsby about Lisbon's beau. It was unsettling because the more he heard the more he felt slightly inadequate. Josh had stood by his wife during her pregnancy, even when he disagreed with her choice. He was also a widower that was more than willing to move on, he was at peace.

In other words, the complete opposite of Jane.

But Jane wasn't going to let this go, he always got what he wanted in the end and he wanted…he wanted Lisbon to be single. He knew that much. Everything else…well what he wanted and what he should have were two entirely different things.

His phone rang, interrupting his musings and he picked it up to see Lisbon's number, he grinned and answered. "Yes?"

"Jane, I need you."

"Oh really?" He said, deliberately making his voice teasing, he hoped it sparked her imagination.

"I need you to come over and get Alaina."

Now Jane noticed that Lisbon didn't sound amused at all, in fact she sounded like she was at her whit's end. Normally that might be indicative of something he did but she wouldn't reward that by letting him see Alaina when it wasn't his scheduled day.

"Is everything all right?"

"Can you just come over?"

"Of course," Jane told her.

"Good," Lisbon said and then she hung up on him.

He stared at his phone with raised eyebrows for a few seconds before quickly grabbing his car keys to see what was going on.

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Less than twenty minutes later Jane was unlocking Lisbon's front door and letting himself in. He didn't hear a screaming baby so he could assume that the problem wasn't Alaina. As soon as he walked in he smelled a strange dampness in the air and then when he stepped onto the carpet he heard a wet 'squish'. He looked down and saw water seeping everywhere he stepped.

Ah, so that was the problem.

Lisbon came rushing from the kitchen, Alaina was on her hip and the phone pressed to her hear. Jane looked up at her with raised eyebrows. "What seems to be your problem?"

She wasn't amused by his humor. "Can you believe this? I woke up to an inch of water down here!"

He followed her to the kitchen, which was covered in bath towels but was at least dryer then the living room, some water was already seeping into his socks. "Not what you want to wake up to in the morning."

Lisbon was about to reply but obviously someone on the other end of the line came on. "Yes, hello?" Lisbon handed Jane the baby while she focused on the call. "Yes I'm calling about my renters insurance…my apartment flooded and I…no don't put me on hold again!"

She let out a frustrated groan and turned her attention back to Jane. Alaina was calm, babbling to herself and batting at her father's lips. "I'm going to kill someone," Lisbon declared.

Jane laughed lightly. "I believe you." He looked around at the musty apartment and shook his head. "Do you know what happened?"

"The building manager has been a little remiss on things lately," Lisbon declared, "Apparently checking the pipes has been a part of the cutbacks and now one of them burst. At least that's what I think happened, funny enough I can't seem to get a hold of him either."

He let out a low whistle which Alaina found amusing. "This is bad."

"Thank you for stating the obvious."

Jane just smiled at her sarcasm. "What can I do?"

"Take Alaina, go to the park or the zoo or your nice dry apartment because I can't put her down on wet floors and I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do."

"I can certainly handle that," Jane replied. He busied himself finding Alaina's diaper bag and getting a few of her toys that were safe and dry while he heard Lisbon arguing with her insurance company.

Alaina was oblivious to what was going on, she cooed at her father and waved her hands, grinning every time he met her eyes. She loved him, there was no denying that fact and every time she smiled he wanted to pick her up and never let her go.

Jane stopped by the kitchen where Lisbon was hanging up her phone and slapping it onto the counter. "Did you finally get through?"

"The manager is still MIA but at least my insurance finally said they would be sending someone out to take a look. But all they are going to do is appraise it, I have to get my manager's insurance company to look into it since _he_ was negligent." Lisbon explained. She was ready to start spitting nails. "So this is going to take a while. Of course the water is shut off so I have no water here and my carpets are soaked with dirty water, if I don't get it up they'll start to mold. Not that it matters since I'm going to have to get this place re-carpeted anyways."

"I'm honestly trying to find a way to make you feel better…but I'm coming up empty," Jane admitted.

That did make Lisbon crack a smile. "Just have some fun with Alaina while I figure this out." He made to leave but she stopped him. "Actually, do you have the number of the motel you stayed at?"

"Why do you want that?" Jane asked, genuinely confused by this little twist.

"Well this is probably going to take a few weeks and I'll need a place to stay. You lived there for years so it has to be cheap."

"Cheap? Yes but not some place I want you or Alaina staying at," Jane told her firmly.

"It's not in that bad of a part of town."

"I don't care," Jane stated, "you need to be somewhere safer, especially with a baby."

"Well the Four Seasons is a little out of my price range."

Jane didn't take any amusement in her comment, not this time. This was a serious matter and he wanted his daughter and her mother to be cared for by the best. He could foot the bill himself…or there was a better solution.

"You can stay with me."

Lisbon looked up and stared at him. "What?"

"My apartment. It's clean, dry and you wouldn't have to pay to stay there."

She shook her head. "I can't stay with you, Jane."

"Why not?"

She looked a little embarrassed. "Because it wouldn't be professional."

He couldn't help but smile at that ridiculous excuse. "No, you are right. We should be concerned about appearing professional, you know _after_ having a baby together."

Lisbon blushed now at his comment but she knew he was right. It was silly to worry about what the others at the CBI would think; at this point no one would bat an eye. But that didn't mean she was going to concede. "Jane, I don't know…"

"Even you have to see the practicality of this," Jane pointed out, "You won't have to pay obscene amounts of money, you won't be far from work _and_ my apartment has a nursery all set up for Alaina. Can you tell me any hotel that would offer you that?"

He saw that her mind was working out the possibilities and he was sure it was the last point of the nursery that did it. She sighed and nodded her head. "You're right, this is the best solution. But it is only _temporary_."

"I know," Jane told her with a smile.

"And we're not sharing the bed."

That thought actually hadn't crossed his mind but he sure as hell was thinking about it now. From the way her cheeks her pink…so was she. "I'll surrender the bed to the homeless," Jane conceded, "My couch is comfortable enough to sleep on." He'd actually tested that a few times.

Lisbon relaxed a little but he could still see color to her cheeks. "Okay, this'll work then."

Jane nodded. "I'll get Alaina out of your hair but we can move stuff over to my apartment this afternoon."

"All right, I'll see you in a few hours."

He waved goodbye and hauled Alaina out of the apartment, grinning the whole time. "Guess who's going to stay with Daddy for a few weeks?" Jane said and Alaina let out a little squeal as if excited too.

Lisbon might want to kill her apartment manager but he'd like to shake that man's hand.

* * *

_ Jane came over after work like she said he could. Lisbon was still finding this whole arrangement unsettling, never sure if she wanted to see him outside of her door or not. It was strange waiting for the other shoe to drop, certain that one day Jane would disappoint her again. She didn't want to keep her hopes up so she expected the worst._

_ She opened the door to let him inside, Alaina was in her arms and Jane smiled as soon as he saw her. For once Alaina wasn't half asleep which meant he got to see her beautiful face lit up with a smile._

_ "Hello, sweetheart," Jane greeted her, taking her into his arms and breathing in her special scent. "I'm so glad I get to see you tonight."_

_ Lisbon didn't say anything but made her way into the living room so she could ignore him. Jane was content to be reunited with his daughter for a moment, studying every line and curve of her features and keeping her close to him. It was something Lisbon hated to admit, but it was a beautiful sight._

_ "Thank you for letting me see her tonight," Jane said softly._

_ She looked up from her seat on the couch and just shrugged. "Okay."_

_ Jane frowned at that response. "Something wrong?"_

_ "I'm fine."_

_ He just nodded but he didn't look happy either. "Fine…why didn't you tell me?"_

_ Lisbon narrowed her eyes in confusion. "Tell you about what?"_

_ Jane moved closer and sat down on the other side of the sofa, still holding Alaina in his arms. "You know what."_

_ It only took a second for her to figure it out. "You know about Alaina's christening?" She shouldn't be so surprised, she'd put the invitations in plain sight and Jane never missed anything._

_ "Don't act so surprised."_

_ "Why does it matter?"_

_ "Because I am her father," Jane stated firmly, "I deserve to be there."_

_ The word 'deserve' was what sent her blood racing. "First of all, you have _no_ right to tell me what you do and do not deserve. And second, why do you even want to be there? You don't believe in it."_

_ "No," Jane agreed, "I don't. But I still want to be there."_

_ "Why?"_

_ He shrugged a little. "It's important to you, it's a milestone in her life and as her father I believe I should be there. That is how it is done right? Both the mother and the father stand up there at the alter and let the priest do his job?"_

_ "No, it means we make a sacrament to God that Alaina will be raised as a Christian and that we and her godparents will renounce Satan from claiming her soul."_

_ "Yes, that is what I said."_

_ She glared at him. "This isn't a joke, Jane. I believe in God and this is important to me, I don't want this to be another one of your put downs about faith, not with our daughter's soul at stake."_

_ "You don't think I know that?"_

_ "You've never shown any indication otherwise."_

_ Jane sighed and looked down at the beautiful baby in his arms. She was waving her little arms, her eyes focused on the lamp beside the couch. "I know I've been very vocal about my own beliefs but I've never thought less of you because of yours…if anything I admire you for it."_

_ She stared at him for a long time. "Is this a game?"_

_ "Of course not."_

_ Lisbon shook her head. "I don't know, why would you want to stand up and dedicate Alaina to a God you don't believe in?"_

_ "Because I want to show that I'm serious, I want to stand up in front of our friends and your family and let them see that I'm not ashamed of my child…and I want to support you and your beliefs. They are what made you who you are and I would like it if Alaina took after her mother." Lisbon frowned, trying to hide how much his words were affecting her and then Jane smiled. "Besides, if by some chance I am wrong then it will be good to know that Alaina's immortal soul is safe from the fire and brimstone."_

_ She gave him an annoyed look for the quip at the end. "You have to take this seriously, Jane. I will not be embarrassed in front of my priest or God."_

_ "I'll be as serious as you are…provided that you allow me to be there."_

_ Lisbon grimaced. "If I said no you'll just show up anyways."_

_ "Probably."_

_ She groaned and shook her head. "All right, you can come. Father Dunway will want to meet you before the ceremony, try to keep your mouth shut."_

_ "I won't embarrass you." Lisbon grunted in reply, knowing that Jane could easily embarrass her but Jane didn't seem to care. He was holding Alaina up and looking into her eyes with a big grin on his face. Alaina let out a little laugh and ran her fingertips over his cheek and nose. At that angle it was startling to see the resemblance between them, the same high cheekbones and big beautiful eyes._

_ "My brother, James is going to be her godfather," Lisbon told him._

_ Jane was still focused on his daughter. "I thought as much."_

_ "He's coming for the ceremony."_

_ "As he should."_

_ Lisbon didn't think Jane was getting this. "He hates you."_

_ "Of course he does."_

_ "Jane, he _really_ hates you."_

_ But Jane just shrugged. "Then it will be one interesting family meeting."_

_ She raised an eyebrow, not sure at all what he meant by that. Jane might be the father of her child but that didn't make him family._

_ Not yet._

* * *

It was a hectic and stressful day for Lisbon but Jane was surprisingly happy the whole day, even while helping her to pack up some clothes, toiletries and all of Alaina's essentials. It took a few trips and Alaina was asleep in the car most of the time but she did manage to get everything that was necessary into Jane's apartment, even if it meant hijacking Jane's closet.

Eventually she found herself sitting in Jane's living room with a glass of red wine and Alaina playing on the floor in front of her. "I know I'm still pumping but I don't care, I needed this," Lisbon said, toasting Jane with her glass.

Jane laughed lightly, putting away the remains of their dinner. "One glass won't hurt your milk and you still have enough in the fridge."

Lisbon took a sip of her wine, savoring the taste of it on her tongue. "Sometimes I can't remember that my life didn't revolve around feeding schedules."

He grinned and took a seat next to her on the sofa. "Your past seems so empty now doesn't it?"

She nodded. "A baby changes everything, that's what everyone says. I believed them…but I didn't really _understand_ until now."

Jane reached for her glass and took a sip of her wine, nodding at the taste. "Rest assured, the feeling doesn't change the second time around."

That made Lisbon pause; it was always startling when Jane brought up the fact that Alaina was his second child. But this was said matter-of-factly, like a man at peace. "But you knew what to expect."

"Honestly…no. Yes I knew how to care for an infant, I didn't forget those things but I was more…overwhelmed this time around," Jane explained.

She settled into the couch. "Because you didn't expect to love her."

He nodded, smiling softly. "I didn't expect to ever _have_ her either." Jane's expression grew thoughtful and he looked into Lisbon's eyes. "It was like living in room filled with darkness with just one pinprick of light. I was fine in that darkness, I knew it, I knew what to expect. Then suddenly I was forced to follow that light and then…then there was freedom. Once I was out of the darkness…there's no going back."

Lisbon tilted her head to look at him. "That's not a bad thing."

"No," Jane agreed, "It's a very good thing."

"You know you could have had this years ago."

"With you?"

Lisbon blushed and looked away. "All you had to do was move on, but you wouldn't allow yourself."

"Because I didn't deserve this, I still don't," Jane said and that statement startled her a little. "But I'm not going to turn away what I've been given. I might be a fool but I'm not a complete idiot."

"I'm not so sure about that."

Jane grinned at her remark, they both enjoyed the little game they played and the warm glow of the wine was making her a little bolder than usual. He reached down and picked up their daughter to set her down in his lap. Alaina let out a little cry and continued to fuss a bit. Lisbon sighed. "It's about time to put her down for bed."

He nodded and they both got to their feet to prepare their daughter for bed. Lisbon prepared her bottle while Jane changed her and put her in a warm set of pajamas. Once she was full and warm Lisbon hung back by the door while Jane sang their daughter to sleep again. It took a few minutes before Alaina was breathing deeply in her crib and they both crept out of the room.

"You think she'll be able to sleep in there?" Lisbon wondered as they sat down on the couch again.

"She'll be fine, she's napped in there before so it's not completely unfamiliar," Jane explained, "but if she wakes up, she wakes up. I'll put her back to sleep."

Lisbon liked that idea, not having to get up in the middle of the night to comfort a fussy baby. She leaned back against the couch and sighed, draining the last of her wine. "This is nice, especially after a really crappy day."

Jane smiled, happy to be of some help but his eyes sparkled with mischief. "Have you told Josh?"

Lisbon stiffened at the mention of Josh. "I haven't spoken to him today."

"Really?"

"Believe it or not, we are not teenagers who have to constantly talk on the phone until midnight," she replied dryly.

"You don't think he should know that you've changed your address."

"I'll tell him when it comes up," Lisbon said simply.

Jane raised an eyebrow. "You seem to keep waiting for things to 'come up'."

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "You didn't tell him about me, I was the one who did that."

Lisbon looked away; a bit embarrassed that Jane had caught her like that. "I wasn't sure how to explain you to Josh."

"The father of my child is my coworker would have done the trick."

"Are you mad about this or something?"

"No," Jane answered honestly, "I just find it interesting."

She narrowed her eyes, trying to read him but coming up empty. Jane didn't seem angry with her or upset, actually it reminded her of when he was trying to guess a suspect's motivations. Why he was so curious, she couldn't explain. "I'll probably tell Josh tomorrow."

"Whatever you want."

Lisbon stared at the blank TV screen wondering why the subject of Josh was so interesting Jane and why she hated talking about it. Jane had used the excuse that since Alaina was his daughter he should know about the men in her life but Lisbon didn't buy it…well not much. She actually hadn't thought about the idea that both of them had a right to know who was in each other's lives.

They had always just been coworker and then friends. She'd never had to tell Jane about her dates or anything like that, she'd never had to think about him dating because…well Jane never dated. Would she want to know about the women in his life? Lisbon couldn't imagine Jane ever seeing another woman, he was too broken.

But was he anymore?

Jane was at peace, yes he was still sad but there wasn't nearly as much pain anymore. She could see that clearly. He'd been attracted to Erica Flynn, slept with Lorelei and God knew what he'd done with Lila.

Then there was her.

He'd slept with her, said he loved her (and then took it back). It was all so confusing and even now she never could believe that he was opening up to her completely. Jane always kept his old life separate from his new one; there was so much about the father of her child that she didn't know.

"Jane," Lisbon began carefully. "What are you going to tell Alaina?"

"Tell her what?"

Lisbon looked down at the hands in her lap. "What are you going to tell her about your wife and daughter?"

Jane looked a bit startled by that question and of course a little sad. He was quiet for a minute before meeting her eyes. "I'll tell her the truth."

"Really?"

"You thought I'd lie?"

"No, I just…" Lisbon shook her head. "I never know what to think about all of this. I never want to bring it up but I want to know where we fit in…with you."

Jane was silent as he took in her words. She wasn't even sure if what she'd said made any sense but he was nodding his head gently. "I will always love them," Jane told her.

"I know, I'm not saying you shouldn't."

"I know that," Jane explained, "but I will always love them, I'll always miss them and I'll always have some pain, there's no getting over that." But he looked into her eyes and she saw a gentle tenderness there. "But this is my family _now._ You and Alaina, you are my now and because of that you two have to come first."

"Me…and Alaina," Lisbon said softly, she was a little surprised that Jane put her in the same context as family…and wondered what that meant.

"Of course, you're her mother, like it or not you and I are family now."

"God help me," Lisbon muttered and rolled her eyes. "Nine years ago if I'd been told I'd be _family_ with you, I'd have laughed out loud. You?"

Jane smiled. "I wouldn't have believed it…but I would have wanted to."

She was startled by that, she'd assumed that Jane's feelings were the same. But he implied that this was something he might have wanted from the beginning.

Then why hadn't he wanted it six months ago?

Lisbon shook her head, dismissing those thoughts. "Okay, it's late, I'm exhausted from this terrible day. I'm just going to go to bed."

"To _my_ bed."

She rolled her eyes. "Shut up."

Jane grinned now. "You do recall what happened the last time you were in my bed."

Now she blushed, her whole body humming with heat. "That's not funny, Jane."

"No," Jane agreed, his voice low and sexy. "It's not."

She stared at him, feeling a shiver run down her spine. But he stepped towards her and Lisbon held her breath. What was he going to do?

He kissed her cheek softly, perhaps lingering one second too long. "Good night, Lisbon."

She stepped back, slightly dazed. "Good night, Jane."

Lisbon made her way to Jane's bedroom with her heart pounding her chest and her head spinning. She was going to get ready for bed and try to get some sleep and not think about what happened the last time she'd fallen asleep in Jane's bed.

It was day one with living with Jane…and Lisbon didn't know what might happen next.

* * *

A/N: LOL Jane, Lisbon and Alaina under one roof, so close and yet so far LOL. But do you think Lisbon had the right to tell Josh all about Jane's sins? Hmmmm food for thought.

Next chapter: In the flashbacks you'll see Lisbon preparing for Alaina's christening and having to tell her brother that Jane is in Alaina's life. Meanwhile in the present, Jane and Lisbon are finding that living together is a bit more intimate then they first thought and Jane finds out that Josh knows about his behavior during Lisbon's pregnancy. You'll have to read to see his reaction hehehe


	14. Dancing on the Precipice

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Whooo I can't believe I did this. I wrote this chapter in TWO DAYS! TWO DAYS! I think that I deserve a medal for that but I'll take the reviews LOL I'm so glad everyone is still loving this story, I love it when I go on twitter and people are begging for more Alaina LOL Well you'll get more of Alaina and more Jisbon, I've shocked myself with this chapter hehehe

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** You are right, Lisbon shouldn't have told Jane and she'll realize that in this chapter. Jane's already started winning back her heart, you'll see more of that too

**Jessica: **LOL I love that you read it so many times! Jane wanted to get to know Josh so...he did what he did in order to get to the truth, and he discovered Lisbon's own dishonesty there. Exactly, Lisbon is supposed to have forgiven him and Jane will bring this up himself. You can scratch Lila's eyes out...but you'll have to beat Lisbon to it ;-) Alaina is here (Madison and Morgan are in Poison and Wine LOL)

**Moon83:** LOL you and I are on the same page. Jane and Lisbon living together is fun, I especially wanted to make sure Lisbon made a mistake of her own because she isn't perfect, she needed to screw up too.

**Anonymous:** Awww thanks, all three under one roof is going to be VERY interesting

**Anonymous:** I believe there will be 17 chapters plus an epilogue so we are getting VERY close to the end. But expect at least one or two more companion one shots like First Christmas

**Anonymous:** You are right, forgiving does not mean forgetting but it does mean moving past it. Does Jane's behavior give her the right to tell others about what he did? Especially when it is really just for the sake of making him look bad so that Josh won't leave? What she did she did for selfish reasons which is never a good thing. It might have been Lisbon's life but it was Jane's PERSONAL life too. Just like Grace says in this chapter, Jane and Lisbon had sex together, does that give him the right to tell others the details? Technically it is HIS life too? JAne wasn't trying to sabotage Lisbon's relationship really at that point, he was simply informing Josh something Lisbon should have told him. She chose not to tell Josh the truth because she didn't want to face her feelings for Jane, none of this was every anything but Lisbon not wanting to face how she really felt for Jane. Maybe Josh didn't meet the criteria but they had been on more than one date at that point, (two at least) so that means that Lisbon was intending to go further so in my opinion, Jane did have a right to know more about Josh.

**Anonymous:** No I don't rush things, I hate that in fics so I'm glad it's appreciated

**Sabrina:** LOL its okay to read it more than once, I do that too with my favorite fics so it's an honor. I'm sad that it's close to the end too but I plan to write at least one or two more companions to this fic, I can't let Alaina go! LOL

**Anonymous:** Yes he does. Lisbon told Jane she forgave him and then she used his sins for selfish reasons, that's a betrayal and he does have the right to be angry about that.

* * *

Chapter 14: Dancing on the Precipice

A week at Jane's and a routine was establishing between them that was downright comfortable. Lisbon woke up in his bed to the sound of the blaring alarm; she rolled over to turn it off taking a moment to breathe in the scent of the pillow. Plain fabric softener and a hint of male cologne, that wasn't a big deal, Jane smelled nice.

She finally hauled herself out of the bed and padded out of the door and down the hall, she was going to check on Alaina but the sound of her child's shrieks of delight told her that Jane had already done that job. Jane and Alaina were on the living room floor, the baby was sitting up and tossing a bunch of plastic blocks around while Jane was being the doting father, doing what he could to make their child laugh and succeeding.

"Somebody woke up early this morning," Lisbon declared with a smile.

Jane grinned at her, hauling Alaina into his lap. "She takes after her daddy, she's an early riser."

"And like her daddy she loves taking naps in the middle of the day."

He nodded and kissed the top of Alaina's head. "She got the best of both of us."

Alaina looked up to see her father and grinned. "Da da, da da!"

That made Jane laugh and he hugged her close. "That's right, sweetheart. Da da." These were the moments that Lisbon truly cherished, the times when she knew for sure that this baby hadn't just been a life changing experience for her but a miracle for Jane. Where was the man who hid in the attic? Who still reveled in the darkness when the sun set and the case files were put away? She didn't see him anymore, the man playing on the floor was Alaina's father and there wasn't a hint of sadness in his eyes anymore.

"What are you thinking of?" Jane asked, drawing her out of her thoughts.

Lisbon smiled and shook her head. "Nothing, this is just nice. That's all." She knelt down onto the carpet next to them so she could join in on the fun.

"Ma ma!" Alaina exclaimed and immediately began to crawl over to her mother "ma ma, ma ma."

It always melted her heart every time her daughter called her that. From the very first time she'd said it, she'd actually started crying. "Yes, mama is here." She grinned up at Jane mischievously. "I love that despite your coaching, she still said mama first."

"What makes you think I wasn't coaching her to say 'mama'?"

"Don't ruin it," Lisbon told him, swatting at his hand making Alaina giggle a little. "We both know who she loves more."

Jane shrugged. "We should ask her. Alaina, who do you love more? Mama or Dada?"

The baby looked up at him with her big blue eyes. "Dada!"

Jane grinned up at Lisbon. "You see?"

"That's just because you said dada last and she's repeating you," Lisbon replied. Turning to look at the baby in her arms. "Alaina? Who's your favorite, Dada or Mama?"

"Dada!"

Now Jane started laughing while Lisbon gave a fake glare to her child. "I'm disowning you." Alaina was a bit distracted by her mother's cross necklace, picking up the metal cross and trying to bring it her mouth. Lisbon rolled her eyes. "All right, I'll forgive you because you're so cute."

"That's because she looks like her mother," Jane said. He was lazily lying on the floor, idly playing with Alaina's fingers.

Lisbon knew that the resemblance between her and Alaina was striking, from the white skin to the rounded chin and her dark brown hair. "But she has your eyes," Lisbon reminded him, "and I hope her hair is curly like yours."

"It's wonderful that she looks like you," Jane replied, "It just won't be fun when she's fifteen and the boys start coming around."

"I'll have my gun," Lisbon reminded him, "we'll be fine."

"She's my daughter, it'll take more than a gun and your sassy mouth to keep her from climbing out the window and into the nearest pickup truck."

"Thank you for giving me nightmares for the next eighteen years," Lisbon shot back and then eyed him suspiciously. "And it's making me wonder about your misspent youth."

Jane blushed a little but his eyes sparkled. "You tell me yours I'll tell you mine."

"What makes you think there was anything to tell?"

"Because beneath that conservative catholic school girl uniform I know you harbored a secret wild child side. Speaking of the uniform, do you still have it?" Jane waggled his eyebrows suggestively making Lisbon's cheeks burn from the thought.

It took a moment for Lisbon to gather her thoughts, she smacked him lightly. "You stop that now, no talking about those things around Alaina."

"So I can talk about them when she isn't around?"

"What has gotten into you?" Lisbon asked with a smile, "you're so…so…"

"So…?" Jane asked, grinning up at her. He looked sinful, lying back on the floor with his sexy, lazy smile on his face. God help her she wanted to pounce on him right then and there.

"You know what?" Lisbon said, "Never mind. I'm going to take a shower so take your daughter," Lisbon handed him the baby, "and stop thinking whatever it is you are thinking."

"What do you think I'm thinking?"

She stared at him for a minute and shook her head. "No, no more mind games. I'm going to shower and you are going to stay here and watch our daughter."

Lisbon left him in the living room so she could escape into the privacy of Jane's bathroom. It was clearly decorated by a man, simple white shower curtain and little blue bathmat. At least she'd been smart to bring her own toiletries so she didn't have to use Jane's simple nondescript shampoo. Yes he smelled nice but if she showed up at the office smelling like him…well that would be hard to explain to Josh.

Her eyes widened as she groaned a little, remembering that conversation with Josh. He hadn't liked it one bit that she was going to be staying with Jane, preferring it if she moved into a hotel. Of course he'd understood once she pointed out that it was better for Alaina to just move in with Jane for a few weeks, he'd seen the frugality of her plans but she knew he wasn't happy with it. She couldn't really blame him; it was hard to accept that the woman he was dating was currently living with the father of her child. But he hadn't protested too much, probably because he knew what Jane did.

Lisbon felt that guilt, she hated remembering what she'd told Josh but it wasn't like she'd told him everything. She hadn't told Josh about Jane's mental health issues in the past or any of the other private things he'd told her, no, she'd only told the part that she was involved with. The parts that were her secrets too.

But she'd forgiven Jane, did that give her the right to keep bringing it up?

She shook her head, grabbing her half empty bottle of body wash and squirted some of the gel onto her fingers and rubbed it into a lather. Why couldn't she shut her brain off? All she could think about was trying to compartmentalize her life between Jane and Josh and keeping them apart so that nothing happened, so that her personal family life and her personal dating life didn't clash. Josh was stable and what she needed, he had stood by his wife during her illness and pregnancy, he wasn't going to get scared and run.

So she just had to stop thinking about Jane. Jane sleeping in the bed she was staying in. Jane playing with their daughter on the floor. Jane giving her that sexy smile as he flirted with her. He was flirting with her, Jane was _flirting_, shamelessly and she was letting him. Hell she was enjoying it.

What the hell was wrong with her?

_"Focus on the shower,"_ Lisbon told herself, _"rinse and repeat."_ She grabbed the shampoo and lathered up her hair, feeling oddly like Nellie from _South Pacific_ trying to wash that man out of her hair.

Soon enough the familiar tune was running through her head and she was tempted to start humming along. _"Gonna fling that man right outta my arms, gonna fling that man right outta my arms and send him on his way"_

"What do you want for breakfast?"

Lisbon shrieked and had to grab onto the shower bar to keep herself from slipping in the tub. After a moment she peeked around the curtain to glare at Jane through the steam. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

He just smiled. "I wanted to know what you wanted for breakfast."

"You're supposed to be watching Alaina."

"Alaina is safe in her pen, unless she has somehow learned to climb out of it within the past two minutes."

Well that was a good point. "I don't care what you make, get out."

Jane looked amused but didn't move an inch. "So tense? Usually showers are relaxing."

"Boundaries, Jane, remember boundaries?" Lisbon asked, "I'm naked here."

"Yes I noticed," Jane replied and his eyes actually skimmed the shower curtain that she was half clutching to hide her body.

"Get out!"

"We're adults and we have a child together," Jane reminded her, "I didn't close my eyes the night we made Alaina."

Lisbon blushed and then scowled at him. "Jane!" Jane remained standing there smiling at her so she gave him her best death glare. "Are you going to leave or do I have to force you out?"

"Hmmmm that's not a very good threat since for you to force me out you'll have to get out of the shower first." Jane pointed out with a wicked grin, "I think I'd like that show."

She glared at him again before grabbing the fuzzy body scrubber and threw it at him. "Go make breakfast and leave already!"

Jane laughed and turned around. "All right, I'm leaving but you should know that you have nothing to be ashamed of."

"Because you walked in?"

"No, because that shower curtain isn't very thick," He told her with a grin, "If it's at all possible, your figure has improved."

Lisbon gaped at him while he gave her a sly grin before walking out the door. She stared at the closed door and unsure what she wanted to happen anymore. It took a long time to turn her attention back to washing her hair but this time she knew.

There was no washing that man out of her thoughts.

* * *

Lisbon and Jane shared her car to the CBI after dropping Alaina off at her daycare. Jane had been right about one thing, no one seemed to care that she and Jane were now having to live together, apparently after they had a baby together everyone just assumed the worst anyways. She didn't want to think about what that might mean, just was grateful that they were no longer the hot topic on the gossip mill.

Of course the rest of the team still found it amusing.

"Oh look, it's the roommates," Rigsby announced as soon as they made it to the bullpen.

"Very funny," Lisbon replied, rolling her eyes. He'd been making the same joke every day for the past week.

Grace was smiling too as they walked in at Rigsby's bad joke, she stood up to get a cup of coffee from the break room, not at all surprised that Lisbon followed her. "You want some?" she asked as she poured the brew into her mug.

"Please," Lisbon said grabbing another mug out of the cabinet but she wasn't quite as excited anymore. She couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened that morning, the crazy flirting and the shower incident.

But her friend didn't know about any of that. "How are things going living with Jane?"

"Uh…it's fine," Lisbon said, taking a sip of her coffee, "He loves spending time with Alaina and I love that he'll get up in the middle of night and I don't have to."

Grace laughed lightly at that and nodded her head. "What about Josh? Is he okay with it?"

That made Lisbon stop a little. "Josh? Uh, he's…he's fine." Grace gave her a look and Lisbon knew she was caught. "Okay, he isn't that fine with it but he will be because nothing is going to happen. Nothing."

Grace raised her eyebrows at that. "Really? Nothing is happening?"

"That is what I said."

"Just…well generally when people repeat that 'nothing is happening' that means that _something_ is happening."

Shit, she'd been working with Jane for far too long.

Her friend leaned closer, giving her a knowing smirk. "What's happening?"

"Nothing," Lisbon repeated but even she knew it was a lame excuse. She eyed Grace with a bit of trepidation as she weighed whether or not she wanted to tell her friend about this. Yes, she'd confided in Grace quite a bit since her pregnancy but that was a far cry from girl talk…except she really needed to talk about this. "Nothing has happened…yet. We've just been flirting…_a lot_. But flirting isn't anything."

Grace gave her a look. "Flirting with Jane is something."

"But we always flirted," Lisbon reminded her, "Nothing happened before."

"Right, nothing happened…until you slept with him and had a child with him."

Lisbon frowned; she had a hard time refuting that logic. "But that doesn't meant that the flirting…" Grace looked at her as if to say _'stop digging'_ but Lisbon wasn't in the mood. "Nothing is going to happen. I am with Josh, I don't feel that way about Jane anymore."

"Then why are you flirting with him?"

She shook her head. "I don't have time for this. I have killers to catch, paperwork to file and a consultant _not_ to flirt with. So if you will excuse me."

Lisbon held her head up high as she marched to her office, ignoring Grace's snickering as she walked away.

* * *

_Lisbon was a little nervous taking Alaina out shopping with her for a christening gown, mostly because of all of the white dresses she was sure her daughter would spit up on. She was also nervous about everything that was going to be happening this weekend. Alaina was going to be dedicated to God and the Catholic Church in front of her friends and family, that in itself was a little nerve wracking. But there was the little fact of Jane wanting to stand up with her and her _brother_ to do so. She would be lucky if Jane managed to make it out of the church alive._

_ Not that she minded the idea of Jane being beaten to death but she would prefer it if it didn't happen in the house of God._

_ "What about this one?" Grace asked holding up a very fluffy looking white gown._

_ "How much tulle is on that thing?" Lisbon asked, starting at the cupcake shaped dress._

_ "So you hate it?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ Grace set the dress down on the rack. "Well then you pick something."_

_ Lisbon put Alaina's carriers' handle over one arm so she could start flipping through one of the racks. "Why do they all have bonnets?"_

_ "I don't know, is it a Catholic thing?"_

_ She shrugged. "Probably has something to do with innocence or being virginal or something. She'll be taking it off anyways when he anoints her head."_

_ "They are cute though."_

_ "Yeah," Lisbon said, she was looking at the rack but not really seeing it._

_ Apparently Grace noticed. "Okay, what's going on? Is this postpartum or early onset of PMS?"_

_ "I'm not being that bitchy am I?" She didn't have to look at Grace to see that she was giving her another look. "Okay, I am."_

_ Grace smiled softly at her friend. "What's wrong? You were so excited about Alaina's christening, what changed?"_

_ Lisbon sighed; she set Alaina's carrier on the floor and picked her daughter up. The baby was awake and alert, her eyes focused on her mother completely. For a second all she did was stare at her child, thinking about everything that was happening and that would happen soon, everything that had led to the creation of this beautiful baby. There was no escaping it, no escaping who Alaina's father was._

_ "Jane asked to come to Alaina's christening and I said yes."_

_ Grace's eyes widened and she gaped at her. "Why would you do that?"_

_ She shook her head. "He said it was very important to him, that he wants to stand up with me because it is a milestone in her life, and he wants to show that he is serious about being Alaina's father."_

_ "And the fact that he doesn't believe in it means what? Nothing?"_

_ "This isn't about what Jane believes, this is about what I believe and what I'm committed to raising Alaina as," Lisbon told her, "Jane knows that. He agreed that Alaina would be dedicated to God and I would raise her as a Catholic. Not that he really has any right to disagree with me."_

_ Grace shook her head. "This doesn't make any sense."_

_ "Jane wants to be involved, at least for now. If there is a chance this is permanent then I need to try," Lisbon told her numbly._

_ "Because he's so capable of change?"_

_ "Because he's Alaina's father and that has to mean something," Lisbon told her._

_ "He doesn't deserve this."_

_ Lisbon nodded. "I know. And I honestly don't know why I'm so committed to giving Jane a chance but this is what I'm doing."_

_ Grace looked at her softly. "Are you happy about this?"_

_ She shook her head. "I don't know how I'm feeling exactly, right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water and see if Jane will stick around. Right now…what I really need is a friend."_

_ Grace put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm here for you. You know that."_

_ Lisbon smiled up at her. "Thanks." Then she let out a heavy breath. "My brother's flight is coming in today."_

_ "That'll be nice, he'll get to see Alaina."_

_ She nodded. "Yeah." Then she met Grace's eyes again. "I haven't told him, any of the them, that Jane is involved. Now James is going to be here, he'll be standing up in the middle of the church with Jane."_

_ The gravity of the situation wasn't lost on Grace. "Shit."_

_ "Yeah."_

_ But Grace was always the optimist. "It might not be so bad."_

_ "The last time I talked to James about Jane, he mentioned the idea of coming down here and rearranging his face."_

_ Grace shrugged. "That's not an unpleasant thought."_

_ Lisbon's lips twitched a little but not enough to make her smile. "I don't want Alaina's christening to turn into a family brawl. It's not about protecting Jane it's just… this whole situation sucks." She took a seat on a nearby bench, gently rocking her baby in her arms. Grace sat down next to her, keeping a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I love Alaina so much…but sometimes I feel like doing this has ruined everything. It was my choice, always my choice. I chose to take Jane home, I chose to sleep with him, I chose to keep this baby and then everything else just fell apart."_

_ "You are not to blame for Jane being a jackass during your pregnancy."_

_ "I know that," Lisbon said, brushing a few tears from her eyes. "I just…I wish it wasn't so complicated. I wish…I wish he'd been this man from the beginning. It would have made everything so much easier. Sure my brothers would have hated him for getting me pregnant but they wouldn't want to kill him."_

_ "But that isn't your responsibility," Grace reminded her, "Jane was the one who chose to ignore the baby, he was the one who refused to be a part of her life. You did what you had to do for yourself and your child, but you are not responsible for Jane. He has the reap the consequences of his actions."_

_ "And that includes letting James beat him to death?"_

_ "As long as I get a few licks in."_

_ Lisbon couldn't help but smile at that. Then she dried her eyes on her sleeves. "God these hormones, it's like it never ends." She took a deep breath and let it out. "I have to face the consequences of _my_ actions. I'm going to have to tell James about Jane tonight."_

_ "It'll be okay."_

_ She wasn't quite as optimistic as Grace but she knew she couldn't escape this. Lisbon sighed again and stood up. "Let's just find a gown for Alaina. Something simple without too much lace, if we got something like that then I _know_ she'll spit up on it."_

_ Grace smiled softly and nodded. "Okay."_

_ They both entered the store again with Lisbon feeling a little bit better about the future. It was easier knowing that she had a real friend to lean on._

* * *

Lisbon was happy to be able to go back to Jane's apartment after a long day of paperwork. But Alaina was particularly fussy that night and it took even longer to get her to go to sleep. Eventually she and Jane were both able to collapse onto the couch. "She's your child tonight," Lisbon declared, making Jane laugh. "I mean it, my child would listen to me when I told her it was time for bed. Her obstinance comes from you."

He still laughed and lightly rubbed her bare foot, which was right next to his lap, just the position she'd put herself in when she'd curled up on the couch. "Babies get fussy sometimes."

"I know that, but that still means I can blame you for your half of her genes."

"Oh and what if it comes from your half?" Jane asked with an amused look on his face, "you're just as stubborn as I am."

"I listen to authority."

"Only when it suits you."

She gave him an annoyed glare. "Look who's calling the kettle black."

"You started this, my dear," Jane pointed out, "so I believe I should be calling you the pot and myself the kettle."

Lisbon couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous conversation they were having. Jane laughed with her, he was still rubbing her foot but now he had pulled it into his lap and was gently massaging the heel. Normally that might seem a little weird except it felt so damn good. She sighed in bliss and shifted onto the couch, placing both feet on his lap for his massaging prowess. "You started it," she told him, "do it right."

He laughed lightly again and began to massage her right foot in earnest. She let out a low moan of pleasure, she was enjoying this immensely. "Oh my God, you are way better at this then Grace."

Jane raised his eyebrows, increasing the pressure a little. "Grace massaged your feet?"

Lisbon nodded her eyes still closed as she enjoyed this moment. "Yeah, my feet were really swollen when I was pregnant. She was nice enough to help me out when I couldn't reach them anymore." She opened her eyes and was a bit surprised to see that Jane was looking quite serious. "What is it?"

He shook his head, still looking a little sad. "I didn't know that."

She sat up a little. "It's not a big deal."

"Yes it is."

They were quiet for a moment as they both reflected on the truth they hadn't really acknowledged in a while, that Jane's behavior in her pregnancy had never been right. It was easy to forget the person he used to be when he was so amazing to her and their daughter now. Jane looked into her eyes, his hands still holding her foot. "Tell me about it."

She raised an eyebrow. "My swollen feet?"

"Your pregnancy. I mean I was there, I saw you but I…I didn't _see_ you."

Lisbon could understand that, she knew that Jane had been there but had been avoiding her. They had gone days, perhaps weeks without really saying anything to each other. It was past them…but it hadn't really been forgotten.

"What do you want to know?" Lisbon asked softly.

Jane leaned back against the couch and picked up her foot again. "Tell me about how you found out you were pregnant."

Lisbon thought about it for a moment, trying to figure out where to start. "Uh, it was three week after…_it_. I was feeling sick; I was in the bathroom trying not to throw up. Grace asked me if I had a spare tampon and I realized that I was four days late." She shrugged. "I didn't really think anything of it for a little bit, but then I remember that we hadn't used any protection that night. I figured it would be better to check so I stopped by a pharmacy on the way home and bought a test. I peed on two of the sticks and both of them came up positive."

"You freaked out," Jane said.

She gave him an annoyed look. "I spent the night going over the options…and freaking out," Lisbon admitted. "Then I called my doctor the next morning, set up an appointment and she did a blood test and confirmed that I was pregnant. Then I decided to tell you."

There was no need to explain further what happened after that. They'd gone over that a thousand times, not so much with each other but separate. Over and over again it played on repeat in their minds, always hard, always painful, but better now that they had moved past it.

"When did you tell your brothers?"

Lisbon blinked, pulled out of her thoughts. "What?"

"Your brothers," Jane repeated. "How did they take the news?"

She was a bit surprised that he was asking her these questions. "I uh told them the night after I told the rest of the team. They took the baby part pretty well, the father part…not so much."

"Well I already know how James felt," Jane pointed out with a grin, "and I learned the Lisbon right hook runs in the family."

Lisbon smiled a little there at that memory. "And to think, that was after James calmed down a bit." She sighed a little, meeting Jane's eyes lazily. "So what else do you want to know?"

"Everything."

She rolled her head back. "God that'll take a while. Uhhh I had terrible morning sickness, but you already knew that. I craved—."

"Vanilla pudding," Jane finished for her. Her eyes snapped open and she stared up at him but he continued. "You also had one of those peanut butter sandwiches with the gooey marshmallow cream stuff every day for most of your pregnancy. The smell of tuna made you sick and drinking mint tea helped with the nausea."

She gaped at him for a long time. "How did you know that?"

Jane shrugged. "I noticed you, I watched you. I know I said I didn't care but you and I both know now that wasn't the whole truth."

Lisbon couldn't believe how touched she was by something so small, something that they'd already gone over before. She smiled again, sitting up a bit. "I think you know more about my pregnancy then I do."

He shook his head. "No, there are things that I will never know."

"Like what?"

Jane looked very sad now, his eyes turning towards the floor. "I'll never know what it felt like to have her kick inside of you." He finally looked at her again. "I'll never get that chance."

Lisbon saw the tears shining in her eyes and she sat up so she could grab his hands. "Jane, it's all right."

"No it's not," he told her quickly, "I missed out on so much because I was afraid, because I was being selfish and just because you forgive does not mean that I have."

"Oh, Jane," she said softly, "You should. You've done so much since then, you took care of both of us, you opened up you life and your heart, you saved her life, and you've been an amazing father to her. That isn't going to change."

"No," He agreed, "it isn't."

She smiled softly. "You see? We've gotten past this and Alaina is going to know you as the loving, supportive father that she needs…that I need."

Jane was staring at her with a look of wonder on his face. "You're an amazing woman."

"That's why you had a child with me right?" Lisbon teased.

"It wouldn't have been with anyone else."

"Good," Lisbon replied, "I like being special."

"You are special," Jane told her, his voice low and soft, "you're special to me."

She was ready to reply with some witty comeback but she was caught off guard by the look in his eyes. He stared at her as if she was the sole focus of his thoughts, of his heart. The intensity of his gaze threw her off her game and all she could do was stare right back. Like a moth to a flame she found herself being drawn closer to him, or maybe he was moving closer to her.

For a second they stayed that way, mere centimeters apart. She closed her eyes as she felt his warm breath waft over her face and her heart thudded in her ears. For a second it was just temptation, then it became action.

The first touch of Jane's lips was soft and warm. The memory of his kiss a year ago came roaring back into her mind, he'd tasted like whiskey that night, whiskey and sin. This time it was a spicy tea with a hint of chocolate…and still sin. She wanted more of that taste, more of that warmth. It was like she'd been craving him for a year but didn't realize it until now.

She opened her lips and the first touch of his tongue exploded her senses. His hands were gently cupping her face, holding her closer as he deepened the kiss. Lisbon let out a low moan and she buried her fingers into his soft curls. Jane gently pushed her down onto the couch, now she was on her back and Jane was on top of her. They were still kissing, still touching, still getting drunk off of each other.

Jane's hands moved down her neck, her arms until they ghosted over her hips. He left the sweet taste of her lips, moving to worship the warm skin of her throat. Lisbon gasped and arched her back at the sensitive spot. But a small bit of lucidity was still on her mind. "What are we doing?" she asked, gasping as Jane continued his sensual exploration of her body.

"If you have to ask," Jane said with a low chuckle. His hands moved under the t-shirt to lay feather-light touches on her abdomen. Maybe it was the fact that he was coming so close to her breasts, maybe it was because without his taste she was becoming sober again. But Lisbon stilled his hands with her own and then pushed him away.

"No," She said quickly, all but jumping off of the couch. "We can't do this."

Jane looked a little shocked and more than a little frustrated. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Lisbon repeated, "You and I were just…just…and I'm seeing Josh!"

"We didn't do anything wrong."

"Like hell we didn't," Lisbon replied, "it was wrong the first time and it would be even worse now. We have a child, Jane! We are in a good place now, a good place because we managed to somehow get through every terrible thing that happened between us. I'm not going to lose that, I don't want Alaina to grow up with those parents who can't speak to each other! Not again."

"Who says we would be?" Jane asked, standing up from the couch, "We kissed, Teresa. That doesn't mean we are going to hate each other."

"It's what happened before."

"It won't happen again," Jane told her, look into her eyes. "You say you like where we are? I _hate_ it! I hate it because the mother of my child is seeing someone else and I can't stand it! I want…I want you."

Lisbon shook her head. "No. I can't go back to that. I won't."

"Teresa…"

"No!" Lisbon cut him off, "We are Alaina's parents. That's all. We can't be anything else, we can't risk it. Not again."

She turned around and fled, shutting the door to Jane's bedroom and locking it. Maybe it was futile but at least Jane respected her need for privacy. In the silence she heard a gasping sound and she realized she was crying…and shaking. Her heart was pounding and she knew that a part of her was frustrated, frustrated because she hadn't let him continue.

But she needed to resist.

Lisbon grabbed her phone and dialed Josh's number, brushing tears away from her eyes. Josh picked up after the second ring. "Josh? Hey, it's Teresa. I was hoping that we could have lunch again tomorrow…"

She made plans with Josh while her mind warred with itself. Josh was safe. He was good. He wouldn't hurt her.

But she didn't want him.

* * *

_ Lisbon waited by the luggage carousel; Alaina was in her arms and quietly sighing. She was nervous, her heart pounded as she waited. James's flight had touched down fifteen minutes ago. They should be unloading the passengers now._

_ Sure enough the floodgates opened and people with duffel bags and suitcases came walking through. She saw more than a few reunions but towards the end she finally saw the familiar face of her younger brother. James grinned as soon as he saw her and she smiled back, meeting him halfway. "Hey," she said greeting him with an awkward one-arm hug._

_ "Hey, Teresa," James said but his attention was on the baby in her arms. "Is this her?"_

_ "Nope, this ones on loan. Alaina is still at home," Lisbon quipped making James laugh a little. She grinned, "Alaina, this is your Uncle James. Say hi."_

_ Alaina just yawned and that made both her mother and her uncle laugh. "You have your stuff?" Lisbon asked, nodding to the bag over his arm._

_ "Yep, this is it."_

_ "Great, you can call Natalie and the kids from the car."_

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Later that evening Lisbon and her brother were sitting in her living room, James was holding a sleeping Alaina in his arms and he just couldn't take his eyes off of her. "She looks just like you, Teresa."_

_ "Yeah," Lisbon agreed, "she knew what was good for her."_

_ That made James smile and he met her eyes gently. "How are you doing?"_

_ "You've had three kids, James. You know the score."_

_ "Yeah well, I've got Natalie, we're a team."_

_ She closed her eyes against the pain. James wasn't being cruel; he also wasn't saying this with disappointment or anger, just stating a fact. He understood that his sister was entering parenthood alone and that it wasn't really her choice. But he didn't know everything._

_ "I'm fine," Lisbon told him, trying to put off the inevitable. "I'm tired and stressed out but I love this little girl so much."_

_ "I know," James told her, "we all know. We just wish you would send more pictures."_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes. "I will but you guys can't ever agree. Tommy complains that she's always asleep, Will says that I need to dress her up more and Natalie thinks I need more professional shots done."_

_ "Natalie loved dressing up the kids for the photographers."_

_ "Yes I have the one of them in matching sailor suits," Lisbon replied with a wry smile, "but I'm not getting Alaina one. I refuse to buy into that cliché."_

_ "We'll see about that."_

_ "You doubt me?"_

_ James shook his head. "I just think you'll want to see her in the cute little outfit."_

_ Lisbon lightly smacked his shoulder just as her phone began to ring. She groaned and stood up from the couch to go and answer it. But her smile fell as soon as she saw that it was Jane who was calling her. She had to answer it…but she did what she could to keep her voice low so that James wouldn't hear._

_ "Hello?" She answered, feeling like an idiot._

_ "Lisbon? It's me."_

_ "I know," Lisbon said, her voice still stilted and firm. "What do you want?"_

_ "Can I see her tonight?"_

_ She felt like strangling him. "My brother is here! I told you that."_

_ "So?"_

_ "So? So my brother is here and he wants to kill you."_

_ "Well maybe I should come over so he can get it out of his system."_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Look, James is here, he only has a couple of days with Alaina. I'm not going to ruin his night by making him see you."_

_ "But I will be seeing her tomorrow."_

_ "If you still plan on being at the christening."_

_ "Of course I am."_

_ "Then yes," Lisbon told him, "you'll see Alaina and James tomorrow."_

_ "Okay," Jane said softly, "All right I'll see you both at the church."_

_ Lisbon hung up the phone but kept it clutched in her hand, resting her forehead against her knuckles. She wanted to know how her life had gotten so complicated; of course she actually already knew the answer to that. The day Patrick Jane had walked into the CBI like a little lost puppy and she'd decided to let him stay._

_ "Who was that?" James asked. Alaina was asleep in her bassinet and James had come into the kitchen to check up on his sister._

_ "No one," Lisbon told him, immediately regretting how weak her voice sounded._

_ James knew she was lying, he was a cop too. "What is going on?"_

_ Lisbon toyed with her hands on the counter top, feeling a bit like the teenager being punished by her parent. It was ironic really, she used to do this with James but she was the one in the parental role. Somewhere along the way they had all grown up but right now…right now he was the one who'd matured even more._

_ She had to be honest now. There was no way out of this._

_ "It was Jane," Lisbon told him._

_ For a second James just gaped at her in stunned disbelief. Then she saw his features contort into anger. "What? Why? How could he call you now?"_

_ "James, just calm down."_

_ "No! He abandoned you! He told you to get an abortion and he had nothing to do with Alaina and he calls you _now_? Who does he think he is?"_

_ "James," Lisbon interrupted the rant, "this isn't the first time Jane has called me."_

_ Her brother's anger melted into disbelief. "What?"_

_ Lisbon sighed and looked into his eyes. "The day of the accident, when Alaina was born, Jane came to the hospital. He donated blood to save Alaina's life, I decided to thank him and when I did…he was there when they brought Alaina into the room. He was there, he saw her and he…he started to cry. He cried and said he was sorry and begged me to let him be a part of Alaina's life."_

_ "You told him no, right?"_

_ "I told him I had to think about it."_

_ "What?"_

_ "James, let me finish," Lisbon said quickly, holding up a hand to stop him. "I was in a lot of pain after the accident and the doctor said I needed to be on bed rest."_

_ James nodded. "And Grace stayed with him." Lisbon didn't say anything and James figured out what that meant. "She didn't then who…" the realization dawned on him. "Oh hell no!"_

_ "It was the best thing," Lisbon told him, "Grace was hurt in the accident, you guys couldn't come down, it just made sense."_

_ "So just like that? You forgave him?"_

_ "No," Lisbon finished, "I have not forgiven him, I don't even know how I could go about that."_

_ "Then what is going on?"_

_ She sighed again heavily. "Jane calls, he asks to see Alaina and if I give him permission then he comes over and sees her." James stared at for a very long time, then he turned away and she saw the dark thunderclouds in his eyes. "James…" He slammed his hand against the countertop making her jump._

_ "How could you do this? How could you let him back into your life?"_

_ "He's Alaina's father," Lisbon reminded."_

_ "So what?"_

_ "So that means legally that he has a right to be a part of her life," Lisbon explained, "he put his name on her birth certificate and signed an acknowledgement of paternity. The law recognizes him as his father."_

_ "He walked away! He walked out on you and told you to get an abortion. He's not a father."_

_ "I know, we can argue about this but the truth is that Alaina is my daughter, she is mine and that means I get to decide what to do with her and father," Lisbon told him carefully, "I decided to give him one more chance. Not much, and only when I can handle it…but he is still able to see her as much as I'm able to give him."_

_ "And that's it?" James said, "I'm just supposed accept this."_

_ "You're supposed to support me," she replied, "I'm your sister which means you don't have to agree with what I do but you need to support the fact that this is my life and my choice."_

_ James shook his head. "I don't like this."_

_ "I know," she said, but she also knew that this wasn't the end of the conversation. "There's more." James looked up with dread and she couldn't blame him. "Jane knows about the christening and he asked to be able to be there…to be with me while we dedicated her to God."_

_ "And you told him he could," James finished bitterly._

_ "He said he wants to prove that he's serious about being in Alaina's life by standing up in front of you and our friends and making a public statement that she is his child."_

_ "This doesn't make any sense!"_

_ "Well that's Jane," Lisbon told him, "nothing he ever does makes any sense but…but if I let him do it he usually finds a way to make everything right again."_

_ "Is that even possible? How can he ever make what he did to you right?"_

_ "I don't know," Lisbon admitted, "he probably can't but this is how it is. Tomorrow Jane is going to meet us at the church, he's going to be there when Alaina is christened and…and sometimes when he calls and asks to come over I'm going to say yes. I'm not saying that things are going to be fixed between us or that I'll forgive him but…but right now this is how it's going to be."_

_ James jaw as clenched and he looked like he wanted to break something. "So that's it?" She nodded her head numbly, and he turned away still furious. "Fine then."_

_ "James…"_

_ "Teresa, I'll stand up there tomorrow and be a godfather to your daughter, but know that it will be extremely hard for me not to tear that man apart."_

_ "Okay," Lisbon said softly. James nodded and began to walk away. "Thank you." Her voice was small and weak as he headed up the stairs to the guest room, probably because he wanted to get away from her for the time being._

_ She couldn't really blame him._

_ Lisbon sat down on the couch with a sigh and looked at her sleeping daughter. "Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day," she said aloud. "You're going to be christened, Jane is going to be there, your uncle is going to be there and I'll have to keep them from committing murder in church." She smiled softly at her. "You have no idea just how complicated you have made my life."_

_ Alaina sighed softly in her sleep and Lisbon grinned. "But you are worth it."_

* * *

Jane and Lisbon spent much of the day avoiding each other entirely except when it came to their daughter. They fed her, changed her, got her ready for the day together but they barely said a word beyond, "Hand me the baby powder". But it wasn't the worst they had ever been, that was a blessing. Things were awkward but that was normal, how else were they supposed to react to a change in their relationship.

But Jane didn't regret it, not one single part of it. On the contrary, he was proud of himself for finally admitting what he wanted. He wanted Teresa, he wanted her and Alaina, he wanted to be a family and he was done pretending that he didn't. He'd declared himself and he wasn't going to give up now, oh no, the fight had only just begun.

The kiss had been the battle cry and Jane knew he could take hope from it. She had kissed him back, had been a willing participant before her own fears had ended things prematurely. Jane could understand that, she was afraid of being hurt again and trusting him with their child was entirely different then trusting him with her heart. But Jane would do the same thing he had done before, he would push and wait and push some more until she finally realized that he was serious about this. They were going to be a family together, a real family, the same dream she'd had once before.

Jane was still ruminating on this when another player in the game for Teresa's affections stepped back into the ring. He hadn't expected to see Josh again, yes Lisbon had mentioned that she was seeing him, that she felt guilty for kissing Jane and therefore cheating at least partially on Josh. But Jane was feeling confident now; he knew that this man was not going to be a complication for much longer.

"Hello, Josh, here to see Lisbon?" Jane asked, standing up from his couch. He might have swaggered a little and yes maybe that made him an ass but so what?

"Uh, yeah," Josh said, eyeing Jane warily, "We're having lunch."

"Oh really?" Jane asked. He knew full well that these plans must be recent, perhaps a reaction to the kiss last night. An overcorrection, throwing herself into the exact opposite of what she wanted to force herself off of this path. Oh Lisbon, this wasn't going to work, she'd have to do better than that.

"Yes," Josh replied, still looking at him with caution.

Jane smiled now; he knew it probably made Josh even more uneasy. He shouldn't be so calm, shouldn't be so confident but Jane was, because he knew that everything was going as it should. "I'm surprised you're being so calm about all of this," Jane said, deciding to play a bit.

"About what?"

"Well the woman you are dating is currently living with the father of her child," Jane pointed out, "It's understandable if this hard for you to accept, you probably aren't comfortable with it."

"I'm fine."

But he said that far too quickly. "No you aren't," Jane said knowingly, "You must be wondering about things. We've worked together so long; we have a child together, that's a bond that can't go away. It's all right if you have some fears."

Josh gave him a cold look; Jane was honestly impressed he was capable of that. "I don't care how _you_ feel about her. The only thing that matters is how Teresa feels."

"So it doesn't concern you if I told you that I want to be with her."

That made Josh tense a little, oh it did bother him, Jane was certain about that. But Josh wasn't quite as upset as Jane thought he would be. "It would only be a concern if she felt the same way."

"And you don't think she does."

"No, I don't," Josh told him, "how could she? After what you put her through how could she ever trust you like that again?"

"What?" Jane asked even though he'd heard Josh clearly. All he could do was stare at him as the truth washed over him. "She told you? She told you about what happened?"

"Yes she did," Josh said firmly, "and you have a lot of nerve to talk about wanting to be with her after you abandoned her during her pregnancy. How could you think that she would ever forgive you for that?"

Jane heard him speaking but it felt far away, he was focused on what had happened. Lisbon had told him that she'd forgiven him. She'd said those words, _"I forgive you"_. She'd told him that they would move on, they wouldn't look back at the past. She'd just been telling him last night that he needed accept this but here she was telling her boyfriend that he'd hurt her.

This felt dangerously close to a betrayal.

He ignored Josh entirely, stepping around him and heading straight for Lisbon's office. He knew she was in there, she'd been hiding out in there all day. She was sitting at her desk going through paperwork when he barged in. "You told him!"

Lisbon stared up at him, her eyes wide and confused. "What?"

"Josh, you told him about your pregnancy, about what I did."

She stood up slowly from her desk, pressing her lips into a firm line. "Jane, I don't know what Josh said…"

"He told me that you told him about how I treated you during your pregnancy, was he wrong?"

"No."

He stared at her for a moment, stunned that she had actually done this. "How could you do it?"

"Jane, it wasn't a secret—."

"But it was _personal_," He interrupted, "It was between you and me, not Josh. This was not something you were supposed to tell everybody."

Now Lisbon was getting mad too. "Hell, half of California knows how you treated me so why shouldn't he?"

"This is different, he wasn't here," Jane declared. "He wasn't a part of our lives when that happened. He came _after_ the fact, after you said you forgave me."

"And I do forgive you for what you did but it was my right to tell Josh what happened," Lisbon replied harshly, "I'm with him and he deserves to know the truth, all of it."

"If you forgave me you wouldn't have brought it up. You wouldn't have felt the need to tell your boyfriend because it wouldn't matter. It would be in the past." He stared at her for a minute as he came to a startling conclusion. "But it isn't is it? You...you haven't actually forgiven me have you?"

She shook her head quickly. "Jane that's not true, I have forgiven you, I have!"

"I don't trust you." Lisbon looked shocked by those words and Jane was a little too but it was the truth. "How can I when you…you betray that. When you throw my sins back into my face? For what? To make your boyfriend feel better?" Lisbon looked away and a chastened child and Jane knew he had his answer. "Well…you'll be glad to know it worked. It worked beautifully. Congratulations."

"Jane, wait!" Lisbon said but he didn't listen, he just walked out of her office door to find a place to be alone. He didn't want to look at her.

He couldn't.

* * *

Lisbon knew that things were bad between her and Jane, things were horrible actually because he wasn't talking to her. He would barely stay in the same room as her, it brought back more than a few memories of her pregnancy except this time Lisbon knew that she really had done something wrong here.

"What is going on with you and Jane?" Grace asked as she walked into the break room, "it's like Siberia out there."

"Jane is really mad at me," Lisbon told her, stirring her coffee again and again, she wasn't drinking it, just stirring it.

"Why?"

"Because I messed up," Lisbon explained, "I crossed a line and now…now it's my turn to be on the wrong side of things."

Grace took a seat at the table. "What happened?"

"Telling people things is what got me into this mess."

"But I'm not just anybody, I'm your friend and it sounds like you really need one."

Well Lisbon couldn't argue with that logic. She sighed heavily and began. "Josh was really mad when he found out that Jane was Alaina's father…because I _didn't_ tell him that fact."

"That wasn't very smart."

"I thought you were doing the listening and not the judging?" Lisbon asked, Grace mimicked zipping her mouth shut and remained quiet. "Okay. I didn't tell Josh, he got upset and he was afraid that maybe there was still something between me and Jane so I…I told him about everything that happened." Grace's eyes widened at that statement but she kept her word and didn't say anything. "Josh told Jane that he knew and now Jane is mad at me because I told Josh, he thinks that it was something personal and that means I shouldn't have said anything." She turned her attention back to Grace. "Now you can say something."

Grace looked a little sheepish before saying. "He has a point. Would you want Jane telling people about _your_ personal life."

"But this involved me too!"

"Yeah but it's still private," Grace reminded her, "What if he told Rigsby and Cho about having sex with you."

"I'd kill him."

"Exactly, this involved both of you but it…it wasn't something you were supposed to talk about either. Especially to Josh, that just makes it all the more unseemly."

Lisbon looked down at her hands. "He said that he doesn't believe that I forgive him."

"Have you?"

"You know I have!"

"Yeah but constantly bringing up what Jane did makes it seem like maybe you haven't."

She shook her head. "This wasn't about me still being angry with Jane, I just didn't want to lose Josh."

"And you had to tell him this?" Grace asked, "You had to keep Jane a secret? It seems like you have a lot of unresolved feelings." Lisbon looked away again quickly and Grace caught that. "Oh…oh I saw that. What happened? Something happened, if you want my help you have to tell me."

"I kissed Jane," Lisbon blurted out, mostly to get Grace to shut up.

Grace gaped at her for a moment, looking both shocked, amused and gleeful. Then she smirked. "And you said the flirting wasn't going anywhere."

"Shut up!"

The woman started to giggle a little and then she shook her head. "Okay, let me make sure I have all of this straight. You started seeing Josh but didn't tell him about Jane because you didn't want him to think something was going on. Then he found out about Jane and because you didn't tell him he thought something was happening so you told him about your pregnancy to get him to see that nothing was going on. Then you kissed Jane proving that something _is_ going on but now Jane has found out that you told Josh so he's not talking to you because you told Josh to keep him even though you have feelings for someone else."

Lisbon thought about it for a second, as she made sure she had Grace's facts straight herself. "Yes."

Grace smiled again. "I hope you don't take this the wrong way but…your life is a mess."

Lisbon groaned and dropped her head onto the table. "Just tell me what to do."

"You need to figure this out. Do you want to be with Josh? Do you want to be with Jane? This whole mess, it comes from you not deciding."

"It's not that simple," Lisbon told her, "I have a baby to think about."

"Is that what you are thinking about when you hurt Jane? That you were protecting Alaina? Or is this more about protecting yourself?"

Lisbon stared at her as she walked away feeling more confused then ever. The worst part was she had a feeling she knew what she wanted but the risk terrified her more than ever.

What should she do?

* * *

A/N: Whew I can't believe I wrote this fic in two days. 17 pages in 2 days! LOL I'm proud of me. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter but to be honest. I'm SUPER excited about the next one!

Next chapter: Lila returns and brings trouble in her wake as Lisbon's jealousy rears it's ugly head, things get even more complicated between her and Jane when anger leads to passion and passion leads to... ;-)

In the flashbacks: It's Alaina's christening and while everyone is there to celebrate the life of the beautiful baby girl, it's a very awkward meeting between Jane and James...and a bit painful for Jane too hehehe.


	15. Jealousy, Passion, and Love

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, even if some were not as kind as others. I know most of you understand what my plan is for this story and why I had to have Lisbon make the mistake and Jane to get angry. I'm sorry for those of you who didn't but this is how I am writing this story.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** Neither Jane nor Lisbon are perfect and i like to explore the flaws in both. Thank you for seeing that.

**Jessica:** Nope you didn't review and thank you for being so kind. Yes they both have flaws but perfect characters are just boring LOL

**Kate:** So glad to hear that!

**Anonymous:** So sorry I teased you like that but the Author's note was necessary for me to try and explain my rationale for why Lisbon was in the wrong there.

**Anara:** It's only going to get hotter LOL.

**Anonymous**: Not so long this time, enjoy!

**Anonymous: ** LOL Thanks, I'll have more multi chaps in the future, you'll see

**Anonymous:** Oh they will be more...much MUCH more

**Anonymous: ** Thank you so much, but I think this chapter will be even better than 14 LOL

**Anonymous:** I disagree. Lisbon violated his trust by revealing something personal, it might not be secret but it was something that he didn't want to be getting around lightly. More than that she only revealed one side without giving Jane a voice at all, she never explained WHY Jane acted that way at all. That's not right, don't pass judgement without knowing all of the fact which Lisbon was allowing Josh to do.

**NOTE: THIS CHAPTER'S FINAL SCENE IS M-RATED!**

* * *

Chapter 15: Jealousy, Passion and Love

Things were still a little tense between Jane and Lisbon even though it had been a few days since the incident with Josh. It didn't help that since she was currently living with Jane she couldn't find a place to escape from him. He was mad that she'd told Josh about how he'd treated her during her pregnancy and she was mad that he was mad at her…and also feeling a little guilty.

But things were getting better, she was the mother of his child after all, he couldn't stay mad forever.

Lisbon pulled the car up outside of the three-story home with the beautifully manicured garden, if she worked 50 years she'd probably never be able to afford this place. There were a couple of police cruisers out and Lisbon was a bit surprised that she was even being called in. Usually the cops in this district preferred keeping investigations in house.

Maybe they were swamped.

Jane was a gentleman, holding the door open for her as they both stepped into a beautiful foyer that was now swarming with cops. One of them stepped forward. "Thanks for coming out."

"What happened?" Lisbon asked, getting straight to business.

"The owner, Frank Hodgins was found dead in the living room, shot three times."

Lisbon nodded her head. "You guys busy this week?"

"Not really, ma'am."

That threw her off. "But this isn't CBI jurisdiction, not unless you called it in."

"Well…she asked for your team specifically."

"What? Who?"

"Hello, Patrick."

It took Lisbon a few seconds to place the voice and once she did she couldn't help but whirl around in shock. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jane looking surprised too…that was a first.

Lila Briars was in the doorway of the parlor, she was wearing a skin tight red dress that was just short enough to show off her toned thighs but long enough to keep her from looking like a hooker…barely. She smiled seductively at Jane, her eyes smoldering with a promise that made Lisbon want to vomit right there on the spot.

Oh hell no.

"What are you doing here?" Lisbon said. She knew it was rude but she was still completely stunned and angry that she actually had to deal with this woman again.

"I'm the one who found poor Frank," Lila explained, she flicked her gaze to Jane and purred. "And there was only one team I wanted to investigate."

Jane tensed up then, that was the first move he'd made since seeing Lila. Lisbon didn't give him a chance to say anything else to woman. She grabbed his arm and hauled him out of the room and into a large kitchen area. "You did this didn't you?"

"What?" Jane replied.

"She called you."

"I swear I had no idea that this was going to happen, I haven't spoken to her since that case eight months ago!"

"You honestly expect me to believe that?" Lisbon snapped.

"What do you believe then?"

Lisbon leveled her gaze with him. "Are you sleeping with her?"

Jane's eyebrows went straight to his hairline. "Excuse me?"

"You are!"

"We have a six month old daughter. Anytime I'm not at the CBI I'm with you or Alaina, when could I possibly find the time to date Lila, let alone sleep with her?"

She wasn't sure if she believed that but his argument was sound. She was living with him at the moment and she'd seen no evidence of another woman in his life. "We are _not_ taking this case."

"Good!" Jane exclaimed, "Thank you! I don't want to be anywhere near that woman."

"You didn't have any problems last time," she hissed.

Jane looked chastened there, like a puppy she had just kicked. Well that was just too bad; if he didn't want to feel guilty then he shouldn't have stuck his tongue down a call girl's throat. For once Jane kept his mouth shut, he knew anything he said wouldn't help him dig his way out of the hole he was in.

Lisbon whirled around and marched back to the foyer with Jane following her. She was ready to inform the bitch that she wasn't going to be able to get everything she wanted. "I'm sorry, Ms. Briars but we are unable to accept this case."

Lila green eyes flashed and they settled on Jane, her ruby red lips quirked up in a smirk. "I'm quite certain you will."

She fantasized about taking her gun out and shooting the woman on the spot. To his credit, Jane looked like all he wanted to do was run away. Lisbon didn't care though, she was never sure if he was being truthful or not.

"I'm afraid it isn't that simple," Lisbon told her, "you cannot pick and choose the investigator. It all depends on jurisdiction and this is not a CBI case."

But Lila didn't seem to care. "I'm certain that something can be arranged."

She was ready to explain to this woman in no uncertain terms that she was _not_ going to be working this case but her phone rang. Lisbon was stunned to see it was Bertram. What the hell?

Lisbon left to answer the phone and now it was Lila and Jane alone in the foyer, simply staring at each other.

Jane debated following Lisbon because he didn't want to be alone with Lila, he wasn't ashamed to be the coward and flee from this mistake. But he also knew that there would be no escaping this moment. Lila Briars was not a woman to be denied, at least not more than once.

"How are you, Patrick?" she asked in her sultry voice.

She was beautiful, seductive, temptation in a red dress; there was no denying that. "I was doing great," Jane stated flatly. He wanted to make sure she knew that they weren't going to play this time.

But Lila didn't care. "I see Agent Lisbon had the baby."

"Yes she did, six months ago."

Now Lila smirked. "Was it a boy or a girl?"

Jane sighed, shuffling in his stance. "A girl."

"How wonderful," Lila remarked, studying him with her dark eyes, her full lips turning up even more. "You're a proud father now aren't you?"

"I am a part of my daughter's life," Jane agreed but he wasn't giving her any more than that.

"I told you that you would come around."

"Congratulations on being right," he said dryly, "but that doesn't mean I'm going to play your game again."

Her smile brightened, she was having fun. "Game? Oh, Patrick, you know I don't play games."

He almost rolled his eyes. "Don't be coy, Lila, or play innocent. We both know that act is ludicrous."

"No, it has been a very long time since I was innocent."

Jane knew she was putting that on for show he also had a feeling that she was also quite serious. He was sure that she'd had a short childhood that had some form of sexual abuse, she ran away as a teenager and turned to the only trick she truly knew. She'd learned how to use that trick to her advantage and didn't apologize anymore for it.

Lila stepped closer to him, so close that her breasts were almost brushing against his arm. Jane remained still, he didn't back away to give her the satisfaction but he wasn't going to be affected by this either. He was tempted by her once.

But not anymore.

Of course Lisbon chose that moment to walk into the room.

Her eyes widened at the scene and then quickly became pinpricks of anger. "You know the deputy governor?"

Lila smirked. "He's an old friend."

Lisbon didn't look any happier with that comment but she turned her eyes to Jane. "The rest of the team is getting called in, this case is ours now. I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear that." She ended it bitterly before heading out of the room to call the rest of the team.

"Dancing a jig," Jane muttered, he knew that it was too much to hope that they would somehow be able to escape Lila here.

The woman in question was looking very smug now as she gave him a once over. "I'm looking forward to working with you again, Patrick."

"I'm sure you are," Jane told her, "but I can't say the feeling is mutual."

But Lila didn't seem at all fazed by his indifference, it anything she looked like she was up for the challenge. She was going to be disappointed, he was not the same broken man she met months ago.

He'd learned from his mistakes.

* * *

_ The ride to the church was rather tense between Lisbon and her brother but none of that bothered Alaina who slept throughout the entire ride. James had been mostly silent since she'd revealed that Jane was once again a part of her life, he especially seemed angry that now he was supposed to stand with this man at the alter of a church and dedicate his niece to God with him._

_ It was a small church, tucked away beneath a hedge of trees but Lisbon still felt a sense of peace when she walked in, her little girl tucked safely in her arms. Father Dunway happened to be standing by the door and smiled when she and her brother walked in. "Hello, Teresa and the guest of honor I see."_

_ Lisbon smiled softly and nodded, nudging her daughter's head with her cheek. "She's just a little sleepy right now though."_

_ "The water always wakes them up."_

_ That made her chuckle a little as she turned to look at her brother. "Father, this is my brother, James. He's the godfather."_

_ Father Dunway shook James's hand. "It's wonderful to meet you, Teresa spoke of you when we were preparing for Alaina's baptism."_

_ Lisbon blushed a little, mostly because it reminded her that her priest met Jane a week ago as well. She'd been surprised that Jane had actually shown up as she requested, she'd been even more surprised that he'd been on his best behavior. If she could believe it, Jane was actually taking all of this seriously which is why she was dreading today too. If Jane came by then it was going to be a baptism to remember, if only for the murder her brother was likely to commit._

_ The doors to the church opened and she half expected the man himself to walk in but she breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Van Pelt stepping forward in a perfect understated outfit of a black skirt and a nice white blouse. "Hey," Lisbon said, stepping over to greet her friend. "The ceremony doesn't start for another hour, you didn't have to come this early."_

_ "I wanted to make sure everything was okay," Grace explained, "And I don't want to screw up my lines."_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes then since Grace was so nervous about messing up when it was her job was fairly easy, just repeat what the priest prompted her to and hold onto Alaina. "You'll be fine." _

_ James came up to them and Lisbon introduced them. "James this is my friend Grace, Grace this is my brother James."_

_ "It's nice to finally meet you," James said, shaking Grace's hand warmly. "My brothers and I have wanted to thank you for everything you'd done for Teresa."_

_ "I didn't do much," Grace replied, blushing a little._

_ "Don't be modest," Lisbon scolded her with a smile. _

_ Father Dunway came back over to them. "If you don't mind, I would like to speak to the godparents for a moment."_

_ They all nodded and Lisbon watched them walk away, she smiled though. She'd known that James and Grace would get along, she had no doubt that both of them would take their part in Alaina's life seriously, she'd made the right choices there._

_ Alaina let out a small cry and Lisbon carefully soothed her and she quieted again. She kept bouncing her daughter a little while she looked around the church. It was just going to be a small simple service, a few people from work and whatever parishioners knew her well enough to come, which wasn't many. She wasn't exactly the most loyal of mass attendees, not when her job could call her out at a moment's notice._

_ At least everything was going well, despite her daughter's untraditional conception and birth. She remembered coming to this very church a few days after sleeping with Jane to confess her sins to her priest, which had been hard and rather embarrassing. Even worse was weeks later when she'd sought out help after finding out about her pregnancy. After Jane's cruel words it had been uplifting to have Father Dunway call her baby "a gift". _

_ A tap on her shoulder made Lisbon jump out of her skin. She whirled around to see Jane smiling at her broadly. "What the hell, Jane?"_

_ "You really shouldn't say hell in church," Jane told her with a mischievous glint in his eyes._

_ "You're going to give me lessons about what to say in church?" Lisbon scoffed at him. She glared at him a little bit more, "And you are here way too early."_

_ "You're here," Jane pointed out._

_ "I'm her mother."_

_ "And I'm her father," He replied calmly, "So I'm right on time." Lisbon wanted to cut him down but really she couldn't think of anything, not when his logic was unassailable. Alaina let out another soft whimper and lifted her head up, she blinked open her eyes for a moment while she continued to cry a little, her hands scrunching up near her face. Jane stared at their child for a short while with a look of pure awe. "She looks beautiful," then he met her eyes with a soft look on his face, "So do you."_

_ Lisbon was touched a little; a compliment from Jane was always meaningful. "Thank you." He was right; their daughter did look precious in her little white christening gown, like an angel, all she was missing was her wings._

_ But she wasn't forgetting the real trouble here. "Listen to me," she told him harshly, "you are going to keep your mouth shut and don't embarrass me, remember this is for Alaina."_

_ "I assure you, you'll have nothing to worry about."_

_ She rolled her eyes. "Right, you're here in a church with me and my brother and my priest. Why shouldn't I be worried?"_

_ Speaking of her brother, James had spotted the new addition to the sanctuary. It took a second for Lisbon to see the rage clouding his face, he immediately began to stalk over and Lisbon knew that everything was about to go downhill._

_ Lisbon stepped forward to get between her brother and Jane. "James… uh…" she floundered for sensible words but everything seemed silly, meanwhile Alaina continued to fuss a little._

_ "Oh there is no need for introductions," Jane pointed out, "we know exactly who the other is." But Jane was obviously feeling friendly, that or he was just putting on a good face. "It is nice to finally meet you though, I met your younger brother once but not for very long."_

_ James stepped closer to Jane, towering over him with a very good 'I'm-going-to-kill-you' look. "Why don't we step outside?"_

_ "I'm not sure that is in my best interest," Jane replied calmly, as if he wasn't about to be ripped apart by her brother._

_ Lisbon tugged on his arm. "James, you promised…"_

_ He turned to look at his sister with annoyance. He wanted to defend her honor like every brother should, unfortunately she disagreed entirely. "Teresa…"_

_ "We are in a church for your niece's christening," Lisbon reminded him, her voice low but strong, "Do not kill her father right now."_

_ James stared at Lisbon for a minute and then looked down at his niece, deciding that it was better to not spill blood in the house of God. But he did give Jane one more poisonous glare before walking out towards the exit. Lisbon breathed a sigh of relief, glad she'd at least diffused the situation, even if it was temporary._

_ "I'm touched you are so concerned for my well being," Jane said, ruining the moment._

_ "Shut up," Lisbon hissed. Alaina was crying harder now, just short of being loud angry squalls._

_ "Is she hungry?"_

_ Lisbon just gave Jane a look before marching over to Grace who had been watching the scene unfold from her pew. "Grace, I need your help."_

_ "Do I get to kick Jane out?"_

_ She sighed heavily. "I need you to keep Jane and my brother apart, I'm afraid James will kill him otherwise." Grace didn't look like she wanted that task at all; in fact it looked like she wanted to watch James do exactly that. "Please, Grace. I have to feed Alaina and I don't have anyone else right now."_

_ "All right," Grace said, slightly disgruntled._

_ "Thank you," Lisbon replied sincerely. "Cho can takeover when he gets here and tell Rigsby he's on camera duty." She grabbed Alaina's diaper bag and headed out of the sanctuary. The ladies room was unlocked and there was a white whicker chair in the corner where she could sit with Alaina._

_ She unbuttoned her dress so she could let her daughter nurse. In a few moments her cries gave way to contented sighs as she fed. Now Lisbon let out her own sigh, one of relief and exhaustion. "Your uncle is going to kill him," Lisbon muttered, "I'm certain this whole day is going to be a disaster."_

_ She traced one tiny ear. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry this is all messed up. I'm trying, I promise you, I am trying."_

* * *

Lisbon and Jane were barely speaking to each other and the rest of the team found this eerily familiar. It was only six months ago that the duo hadn't been able to stay in the same room together and now here they were, avoiding each other like the plague. At least this time the reason for it was almost humorous.

Cho was extremely glad he had a bag of chips in his desk. Popcorn would have been better but chips would do in a pinch, especially when he knew he was going to have a show today. Grace came in and she must have noticed that he and Rigsby were ready to be entertained.

"What's going on?"

"Lisbon is with Lila Briars in her office."

She raised an eyebrow at that. "Where's Jane?"

"Hiding in the break room."

That made her smile a bit; they could all imagine Jane doing that. "He's been trying to stay out of this case from the beginning."

"It's because of her," Cho stated flatly.

Rigsby studied the glass wall separating Lisbon's office from the bullpen. "Do you think he actually slept with her?"

They were all quiet as they considered that. The rumors had flown the first time around that Jane had slept with the call girl, and that was before anyone else knew that Lisbon was pregnant with his child. Now those same theories were back and even more elaborate as Lila Briars remained her sultry self around the consultant.

If it were any other man then the answer might be easy.

Cho was certain that something had happened between Jane and Lila, Lisbon was upset that night for a reason but he didn't think Jane really had the time to sleep with the woman either.

"I doubt it," Cho replied firmly, "Jane isn't guilty enough."

"But he obviously does feel _some_ guilt," Grace pointed out.

"There are other things he could have done besides sleep with her."

Rigsby looked like he wanted to ask what that was but he didn't get the chance. Jane came sneaking back into the bullpen but saw that Lila was still in Lisbon's office. He clearly began to wonder if he could find another place to hide but Cho was in the mood to be entertained.

"If you leave she'll just seek you out."

Jane turned around to meet Cho's eyes; he knew he'd been found out. "You're enjoying this." He stuck another potato chip in his mouth and nodded while he chewed, smiling for once. "That's a little cruel."

"You need to have better taste in women."

He smiled a little now. "I'll tell Lisbon you said that."

Cho wasn't concerned by Jane's threat, Lisbon would agree with him that she was the exception to the rule though he doubted she would like being put in the mix of Erica Flynn, Lorelei Martins and Lila Briars. But Cho didn't feel sorry for her either; she's the one who decided to sleep with Jane after all.

Before the verbal sparring match could continue, Lisbon and Lila stepped into the bullpen and Cho leaned back against his seat. Now Jane was stuck here and the fun could begin.

"Patrick," Lila stated and came sauntering up to him, immediately ready to invade his personal space. Lisbon followed slowly, glaring at the two of them. "I was so worried I would miss you."

Jane took a step back. "I was concerned about that too." But it was clear he was worried that he _wouldn't_ miss her. Rigsby started coughing then, taking a sip of coffee to hide his smile.

"Jane has work he has to do," Lisbon declared quickly.

Lila smirked. "I'm sure he does, but doesn't he prefer getting a read on the witness?"

"I trust Lisbon's judgment on witnesses entirely," Jane said quickly. Now Grace was having a hard time hiding her grin, they all knew that was a load of crap.

Cho was enjoying this show but he saw that a new player was about to take the stage and this little scene was going to reach a new level of entertainment.

It was Jane who spotted Josh first but Lisbon noticed his gaze and turned around in time. "Josh?" she asked incredulously, "What are you doing here?"

Josh clearly wanted to kiss her or hug her but saw she was a little standoffish which only made the whole scene more awkward. "We were going to have lunch."

"Oh crap," Lisbon exclaimed, "I'm so sorry, I forgot things are…" she eyed Lila and Jane, the former was smirking again, "…hectic."

Josh glanced at Jane and Lila but it was lost on him. "So…you're busy?"

Cho almost rolled his eyes. That was kind of obvious.

Lisbon nodded. "Yeah, I…uh can't."

"Oh but I'm sure Patrick can handle the rest of the interview," Lila butted in, "No need for you to change your plans with your boyfriend." Lisbon immediately tensed at the word 'boyfriend' as if she wasn't all that comfortable with that label, now that was very interesting.

Jane seemed to find that interesting too.

But Josh knew when it was best to leave Lisbon in peace, or maybe he knew that _no one_ but Lila wanted Jane to finish the interview. "No, I will let you get back to work," he met Lisbon's eyes, "But I'll call you later."

"Great," Lisbon replied, but she remained stiff, she wasn't going to make a public display of affection in front of Jane and Lila.

Josh looked a little forlorn but he knew better than to push his luck, he simply nodded his head and walked away.

Lila was watching the whole scene with eyes that were sparkling; she clearly enjoyed this situation immensely. "Don't you trust me alone with Patrick?"

Lisbon was giving Jane her trademark death glare. "No."

The woman was very pleased with that reaction. "My, my, Agent Lisbon. What do you think will happen?"

"Nothing, it's just…" she stopped though not willing to finish that thought.

But Jane wanted her to. "Just what?"

She turned her eye back to him. "_Nothing_."

"Doesn't sound like 'nothing'."

Lisbon crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine, _interview_ her. See if I care." She stormed off in the direction of her office after that. Cho didn't know what surprised him more, that Lisbon had a fit in front of a witness or that she actually left Jane alone with Lila.

Lila turned to look at Jane, smiling proudly. "Well, that worked out perfectly didn't it, Patrick?"

Jane eyed Lila like she was a tumor. He took another step back. "Unfortunately, I don't have the time but Rigsby here will be happy to interview you." He patted Rigsby shoulder like a pal before fleeing as fast as he dared.

Wow, he _really_ didn't want to be there.

Rigsby looked a little terrified himself now as he stared at Lila, unsure of really what he was supposed to do. But Lila laughed softly. "That won't be necessary, Agent Rigsby." She turned around and sashayed away, every man in the surrounding area stopped to gape at her as she passed.

Rigsby was doing a good impression of a goldfish as he gaped at her retreating figure. Grace gave him a good strong glare, "Shut your mouth, Rigsby."

The man did so immediately.

Cho shook his head at his friend. Yes he'd been checking Lila out too…but at least he'd been discreet about it.

* * *

_ The guests trickled in a few minutes before the appointed service. Lisbon was a little surprised to see more than a few parishioners but she'd guessed the number of people from the CBI who would attend. Holly, Christina and Eva were sitting together, along with Dr. Wallace and a few others from Financial Crimes and even one of the ADA's. Bertram didn't come, that didn't surprise her in the least. She knew Minelli was still in Hawaii but she wished he'd been able to make it._

_ Finally there she was sitting beside Jane in the pew while her daughter quietly slept once more in her arms. They stared straight ahead as the priest read a passage of scripture and spoke a few words about the reasons for baptism, it's purpose and the symbolism associated with the water, oil, candle and the white gown._

_ Then the priest asked for them to stand up to take part in the ceremony. It was very surreal as she stood up with Jane right beside her, she never ever thought that Jane would take part in something like this…but here he was. Every eye was on them as she and Jane pronounced together that they were there to ask the church for baptism, that their child's name was Alaina and they promised to raise her in the light of God._

_ In some ways she wondered if Jane was just speaking the words…but maybe he meant them. There had been small moments where she'd spied glimmers of faith in him, even if he tried to deny it. In the end, it didn't matter, she believed and she would raise her daughter this way._

_ The prayer was said over Alaina and then the priest anointed Alaina's breast with oil to excise her of the original sin. Then the sacrament of holy water was spoken and the attention turned to the godparents as well. He asked each of them to renounce their sin, to renounce Satan and to profess their faith. Lisbon watched Grace and James as they somberly said, "I do" several times._

_ Now came the baptism where Lisbon carefully placed Alaina in Grace's arms so that the godmother could hold the baby during this part. Father Dunway sprinkled water over Alaina's head three times for the trinity, the baby let out a soft cry as soon as her skin got wet and she continued whimpering. After which he anointed her head with oil, which Alaina seemed to like even less._

_ It was Lisbon who lit the candle to symbolize the light of Christ being received, she kept it as they closed in prayer and carried until the prayer was over a special keepsake for her child. Then she took Alaina back into her arms for the blessing, then she watched as Jane was blessed by the priest. He gave her a sly smile as if to say, 'Who ever thought I would be blessed' and Lisbon pressed her lips together to keep from smiling herself._

_ No she never thought that this would happen, not now and now with him_

_ But it meant a lot to her that he was there, it really did._

* * *

The case was still going strong and while normally the team would have put aside the files for the night and gone home, because of the high profile nature of this victim there was no escaping the late night this time. It wasn't normally an inconvenience except for Lisbon who had a child she was primarily responsible for but it was a good thing that Jane was in Alaina's life completely now too. He simply drove over to the daycare center and picked up their daughter.

Alaina was cheerful as soon as she saw her father, calling out to him repeatedly in her little voice. "Dada, dada, dada!"

That was all it took to warm his heart. He loved her so much the first time he ever saw her in that hospital room and every day it grew, but hearing her call him that never failed to make him want to hold her close. He loved being called that, had missed being called that. Being a father again was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Jane took his beautiful daughter back to the CBI where she greeted everyone with a loud shriek of delight. Grace was quick to hop over and coo at the little baby, she was a bit of a distraction especially now that she was older and more interactive. But Alaina only wanted one person. "Mama! Mama! Mama!"

"She's picking favorites again," Jane said dryly as he handed Alaina over to her mother.

Lisbon accepted her child sweetly but she was still rather chilly with Jane. Apparently she took jealousy quite badly, especially since she was even more territorial over him now. Jane might have found that amusing…if he wasn't struggling with his own battle with the green-eyed monster.

"Hello, sweetheart," Lisbon said, breathing in the scent of her child's hair. "Mommy is so happy to see you."

"Aboo," Alaina babbled, grabbing a lock of her mother's hair and tangling her fingers in it.

She chuckled and untangled her hair from Alaina's hand. "I know, but Mommy has work to do so Daddy will watch you."

"Dada."

"Yes, Dada." Lisbon turned her eyes to Jane, a little softer as they both enjoyed the moment with their child. "Dada will play with you." Then she handed Jane their daughter, for a moment their hands touched and Jane knew she was feeling that charge, the one they always felt whenever they came in contact.

"So she's talking now?" Grace asked, breaking up the moment.

Lisbon turned to look at their friend and nodded. "A little but it's mostly mimicry, she doesn't understand yet."

"No," Jane agreed, "not when she called me Mama yesterday."

That made Lisbon smile while the others chuckled a little. She leaned in to kiss Alaina again. "I'll see you later, baby." She left then to get back to work in her office. Jane watched her go for a minute, feeling that longing that always came these days when she walked away. But he shook it off and took his daughter back to his couch where he could entertain her with funny faces and toys.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Alaina enjoyed her bottle of milk but was still more interested in her stuffed rabbit than anything else. She loved it when her father would tickle her nose with the soft fur, she would grab a hold of the fluffy bunny and shake it, she also really liked chewing on its ears. She'd taken to chewing a lot of things lately as she'd just started teething, no doubt very soon she would be keeping them up at night with her cries. Good thing they'd already gotten a couple of teething rings for her.

Jane kept her entertained, certainly the most enjoyable time he'd ever spent at the CBI. It worked out well while the rest of the team carried on their duties, which eventually left him alone in the bullpen with his daughter. Alaina tried to squirm her way off of her father's lap; she wanted to crawl around on the floor like she did at home.

"Nope, not going to happen," Jane told her, "You're too cute to get you fingers stuck in an electric socket."

The baby wasn't happy with that and still tried to break free but Jane held firm, picking her up and holding her closer to him. "No, you are going to stay with Dada."

"Dada, dada, dada," Alaina repeated several times in her cute little way.

"Aren't you the picture of fatherhood?"

Jane looked up, more than a little surprised to see Lila standing only a few feet away from him. He must have been completely absorbed by his daughter to miss the clicking of her high heels. She was still wearing her sultry red dress and as always, struck a very provocative pose. Jane was a man, he knew she was attractive; there was no denying that fact. But her charms had lost any affect they had had on him, the only reason he'd almost given into temptation before was simply a matter of weakness and timing…and he'd needed a way to get Lisbon to hate him.

It had almost worked.

He leaned back in his seat, keeping his demeanor calm. "What are you here for, Lila?"

She smiled; her crimson lips were very alluring. "We didn't have much of a chance to talk before now did we?"

"I haven't had anything to say to you," Jane replied. Alaina sat up and began to bat at his lips. He smiled and pulled her little hands away after giving her fingers a light kiss.

But Lila didn't seem to believe him. "We talked quite a bit the last time we met."

"A lot has changed since then."

"Yes," Lila replied, "I can see that." She studied the child in his arms, a light smirk on her lips. "I did say the love of a parent was powerful. I am curious, what made you come around?"

Jane met her eyes, trying to decide whether or not to answer that question. In the end he decided it didn't really matter if she knew. "Seeing her for the first time."

"I imagine it was overwhelming."

"That is one way to describe it," Jane agreed.

Lila stepped closer, as if she wanted to get a better look at his daughter. He didn't move, even when she sat down beside him. He wanted to but Jane knew it was better to not show his disdain; he didn't want her to see this as a challenge.

"She looks like her mother," Lila pointed out.

Jane nodded. "Yes she does."

"Speaking of her mother," Lila segued, "are you still in love with her?"

He raised an eyebrow. "You cut right to the chase."

"Yes, but I think I already know the answer, after the way you looked at her boyfriend earlier."

"And how did I look at him?" Jane asked, enjoying the game even if he didn't like the company.

But Lila looked smug. "Like an insect you wanted to swat away."

That was actually a rather apt description on how he felt about Josh. True there was no real cruelty in the man; he didn't even really feel any animosity towards him. But Jane saw what Josh really was, Lisbon trying to escape her own feelings.

Though really he should be grateful, just the mere threat had pushed him into action.

He met her eyes, his gaze inquisitive. "What's your game, Lila? You can't have missed that I don't want you here. If I didn't give in before, what makes you believe I would now?"

"What about jealousy? Teresa has moved on and yet here you are, trying to decide what to do. Jealousy is action."

"You're taking care of that already," Jane pointed out.

Now he was treated to the sight of a disappointed Lila, even pouting she was sensual. "Are you sure you aren't interested?"

"Not even the slightest," Jane assured her, "And before you try anything, remember my child is present."

"And if she wasn't?"

"That wasn't an invitation," he replied, "merely a warning. Your games might be fun but that is all they are: games. I don't want to play, not anymore, not when I have something worth living for once again."

"Your child?"

"My family," Jane corrected her.

Lila smiled a little. "So you are fighting for her."

He was a bit surprised by that smile. "You are pleased to here that?"

"I'm a romantic," Lila told him but she leaned in to whisper in his ear. "That doesn't mean we can't enjoy ourselves first."

Jane endured that attempt at seduction; he was ready to rebuff her until he heard a sharp gasp. Lisbon was standing in the doorway of the bullpen and looking quite pale. As soon as their eyes met her face flushed with anger.

But Lila seemed to enjoy the drama. "Teresa, I'm sorry I didn't know you were there."

"No, I guess you didn't," Lisbon seethed. "But I would appreciate it if you would move away from my daughter."

Lila still was amused. "It's all right, I was just leaving." Jane felt her shift on the couch and was just glad to be rid of her. He was caught off guard when she leaned over to kiss him softly on the lips…and since he was holding onto Alaina he couldn't push her away.

That was when Jane knew that Lila was indeed a bitch.

Lila got to her feet, her face glowing with arrogant pride. She walked past Lisbon with another smirk, lingering just long enough for Lisbon to see it. Jane was impressed that Lisbon managed to keep herself from attacking the woman, but he had a feeling she was putting most of the blame on _him_.

Now her withering gaze focused on him and Jane knew it was time for damage control.

"Stay calm, Lisbon," Jane said, rising to his feet with Alaina in his arms, "It was not what it looked like?"

"Oh really? It looked like you were about to sleep with her again, and right in front of our child!"

"Again?" Jane repeated, "I never slept with her in the first place."

"Oh really?"

"I don't think I would forget that."

Lisbon didn't look mollified at all. "You were supposed to be watching Alaina, not kissing random women."

"I didn't kiss her, she kissed me and it was only to annoy you…which clearly worked."

"You will have nothing to do with that woman, not when you have Alaina."

"I didn't know she would come here," Jane pointed out, "and all she did was talk." Lisbon gave him a look and corrected himself. "All _I_ did was talk."

"And if Alaina wasn't here?" Lisbon asked, just like Lila had. "What have happened then?"

"Nothing," Jane replied.

"Right," Lisbon said, laughing bitterly now, "that's what you did when I was pregnant. _Nothing_. So I didn't see you stick your tongue in her mouth once?"

Okay, he knew he couldn't deny that. As much as he wanted to. "What I did then has nothing to do with what happened now."

"That's crap!"

Her mother's raised voice was not something Alaina liked to hear. She started to whimper as she caught on to the tension in the room. Jane held her close, bouncing her a little and whispered soothingly. It helped to calm her down and it made Lisbon well aware of their surroundings.

"We don't have time to argue about this," Lisbon said sternly, "Alaina needs to go home and get some sleep." Then her eyes reflected pure poison. "Of course I can take her if you want to go see your _friend_."

Jane shook his head, hating this situation entirely. "That won't be necessary." He grabbed Alaina's things and followed Lisbon to the elevator.

With the air still thick with jealousy and anger.

* * *

_ Lisbon's apartment was full of people; she couldn't remember the last time that had happened. Almost everyone who had shown up to the Christening had decided to attend the reception as well. She was worried that she hadn't brought enough food but the cake was quickly being devoured and the small finger foods and veggies were holding up._

_ The real star of the party was Alaina except that she'd fallen asleep early on in Christina's arms. Lisbon had taken her child back and put her to sleep in the crib upstairs while the rest of the party continued._

_ Everyone gushed over the ceremony, particularly how cute Alaina looked in her white dress. Other people wanted to offer advice on taking care of an infant or talk about something they heard from somewhere about how to best raise a child. Lisbon tended to ignore those kinds of advice._

_ James was caught in the mass of people; both he and Grace were being congratulated on their new role in Alaina's life. Others were begging James for some stories on her when she was a child, she could only hope he didn't say anything too embarrassing._

_ Lisbon found herself watching Jane more than he intended to. He was avoiding most of the crowd, not much of a surprise there. Once she saw him talking to Cho but he mostly kept to himself…except when he was watching her._

_ The party started to thin out a little right around the time Lisbon heard Alaina's cries through the baby monitor. She quickly ran upstairs and changed Alaina's wet diaper before bringing her back down so she could be entertained by the remaining guests._

_ Alaina was being spoiled by Holly a bit and Lisbon was satisfied that everything was going fine. She walked over to talk to James who was eating a leftover piece of cake. "Not bad," James commented, "Though I think the over did the frosting."_

_ "That's the best part," Lisbon told him teasingly._

_ "You always had a soft spot for the sweets."_

_ "And you didn't?"_

_ Lisbon expected James to reply with some smartass remark but she was startled to see a dark look on his face. He was staring behind her and when she turned around she saw what was making her brother so angry._

_ Jane was now holding his daughter. She must have gotten fussy because he was gently soothing her, holding the pacifier in place. Lisbon wasn't affected like James was; she saw the sight of Jane holding their child as something beautiful…even if she didn't trust it._

_ Apparently she wasn't the only one._

_ The hum of conversation dimmed a bit and she caught more than one person watching Jane with Alaina. It was her team though that outright gaped at them. It was the first time any of them had seen Jane be a real father to his daughter and her team had seen him at his worst…and now this. No one knew what to think._

_ Least of all her._

_ Alaina quieted down but Jane didn't let her go._

_ One by one the other guests began to leave with Lisbon's team being the final holdouts. They all said goodbye to her and Lisbon thanked Grace one last time for being her daughter's godmother. In the end only Jane lingered as he softly held Alaina in his arms. A part of her wanted to snatch Alaina away…but the other part of her wanted this to go on forever._

_ The other half of her won._

_ "You can't stay forever, Jane," Lisbon told him her voice wasn't quite as firm as she intended it to be._

_ He looked up and met her eyes, a little sad now at the prospect of letting his daughter go. "I know."_

_ Jane reluctantly put a quiet Alaina into her bassinet where she sighed softly and blinked her eyes; she'd probably go to sleep again in a few minutes. Lisbon walked back over to the kitchen where James was, dismissing Jane. But he wasn't quite ready to leave yet. "Thank you for letting me come," Jane said, stepping towards her, "I'm grateful." Then to her surprise he actually looked at her brother. "Thank you too."_

_ James didn't say a word, but he looked like he wanted to. For a second he turned away. Then he turned back to Jane and without a single word punched him across the face._

_ Jane went down fast but James didn't seem to care, just idly rubbed his sore knuckles and then made his way for the front door. She heard the sound of the door opening and closing and then James was gone._

_ Lisbon watched the whole scene unfold like a movie, it all happened so quickly. Finally she managed to move and stepped around the counter to check on Jane. He was on the floor but sitting up and rubbing his jaw, there was a cut on his lip too. "You all right?"_

_ "I don't think anything is broken," Jane replied._

_ She was kind enough to help him to his feet and led him into her kitchen. She put a few ice cubes into a plastic bag and handed it to him. "You should have learned by now."_

_ "Oh but I did," Jane replied, "I learned that your brother punches harder than you."_

_ Her lips twitched a little at that but not enough to make her smile. "He's angry."_

_ "As he should be, he's a good brother."_

_ Lisbon sighed and shook her head. "Why did you come today? Why did you do it?"_

_ Jane stared at her and then lowered the icepack. "Because it was important to you. It was important to me too. I wanted to prove to you and everyone else that I'm in this, I'm in this completely."_

_ "I'm not sure if I can believe that."_

_ "But you want to," Jane pointed out. "Otherwise you wouldn't have let me come."_

_ That was the truth. She might not believe…but she could still hope._

* * *

The argument from the CBI was postponed until after Alaina was asleep. Lisbon might have been still angry with Jane but that didn't mean she wanted to fight with him in front of their child. So she bottled her anger up and put on a cheerful smile for as long as Alaina was awake. But the tension between her and Jane was still palpable; there was no denying that things were not all right between them.

Lisbon simmered quietly in the living room while Jane put Alaina to sleep, eventually she got tired of just thinking about the many ways she could kill Lila Briars and stood up to angrily start loading up the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. It was a miracle she didn't break any of them, particularly Jane's teacup which she treated none to gently.

Jane came out of Alaina's nursery just as she was closing the dishwasher and starting the cycle. He sighed heavily; he noticed the tension between them too. "She's asleep."

"Good," Lisbon said, her voice was short and tense.

They eyed each other warily while Jane remained where he was, leaning against the doorframe. She did what she could to ignore him entirely and perhaps he found that amusing. She hear his soft chuckle and her eyes snapped up to glare him. "What?"

"Nothing," Jane told her, but he still look amused, "I was just thinking that the Bard was right. Love is full of jealousy."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well you're furious at me for nothing, all because Lila is back."

She threw the rag down in disgust. "Don't say her name to me again."

Now Jane's eyes sparkled with mirth. "Oh now this is just getting ridiculous. Usually you are a much more rational woman, jealousy does not become you."

"I'm not jealous," Lisbon insisted, "I don't care about her or you, or you and her."

"Then why don't you want me to say her name?" Jane asked, "If you don't care then it won't matter."

She glared at him, angry that he'd managed to construe a logical response from her admittedly ridiculous point. "I'm _not_ jealous," Lisbon repeated, "I just don't like the idea of you seeing this woman."

"Because you are jealous."

"Because we have a child together," she replied quickly.

Jane raised an eyebrow then. "What does Alaina have to do with any of this?"

"I don't want that woman influencing her."

"Neither do I," Jane agreed, "but she won't."

"She will if you bring her around here."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jane asked, he looked at her as if she'd completely lost her mind.

"I don't want you seeing that woman."

"What? I'm not!" She rolled her eyes, making it clear she didn't believe him. "I've had nothing to do with her since the case ended eight months ago!"

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No!"

Lisbon wasn't sure whether to believe him or not, but she knew one thing. "But you did kiss her."

Jane's mouth shut and he had the decency to look ashamed then. "I did a lot of stupid things during your pregnancy."

She snorted at that comment, she agreed with him entirely. "If you continue to see her…"

"I'm _not_ seeing her!"

"…then I will not let you see Alaina."

Now Jane gaped at her openly before his eyes burned hotly with anger. He took a few steps towards her. "Are you serious? You are going to deny me my child?"

"I will protect my daughter," Lisbon replied, though honestly she was feeling a bit cowed. Jane was damn dangerous when he was pissed. "I don't want that woman around her."

"This is ludicrous!" he exclaimed, "You are threatening to take our child away from me for something that I _didn't _do!"

"How can I believe that? I saw you kissing _that_ woman while I was pregnant with _your_ child!" Lisbon shouted.

He took another step towards her. "I was in a bad place during your pregnancy."

"And that makes it okay?"

"No, it means that I'm not in that place anymore so you have nothing to worry about. I don't want anything to do with Lila. She means nothing to me."

"Lorelei meant nothing to you and you slept with her."

Jane let out a groan and covered his eyes. It was a gesture she normally did, meaning she was frustrated and Jane was giving her a migraine. "What reason would I possibly have to sleep with Lila? She has no information on Red John."

"I don't know, Jane. You slept with me."

"You believe I would sleep with you for information?"

"I don't know," Lisbon admitted, "I still don't know why you did it in the first place, except for the fact that you were drunk off your ass."

"You didn't stop me," Jane pointed out, moving even closer to her.

She took another step back but found herself up against the cabinets. "I wasn't thinking clearly that night, I was being stupid."

"You wanted it," he insisted, "It wouldn't have happened otherwise."

Well there was no way she could deny that; he certainly hadn't raped her that night. No, she'd been the one with the level head unless Jane's kiss counted as an intoxicant. "Yes, I did," Lisbon told him, "so what?"

He remained impassive, studying her with that same methodical gaze that made her think he could see right through her. "Why haven't you slept with Josh?"

"Excuse me?"

"I thought the question was clear."

"How do you…why would even ask me that?"

Jane moved a bit closer to her, just a foot apart now and she had nowhere to run. "Why won't you answer the question?"

Lisbon swallowed back whatever she was feeling, her heart was racing. Was it fear? Yes…but something else too. "We're taking things slow."

"Oh yes, very slow," Jane agreed, "I'm sure that's frustrating poor Josh but you don't seem all that anxious to jump into bed with him. It's very interesting since I know you haven't had this problem in the past."

"Go to hell."

Jane wasn't fazed at all. "Did I hit a nerve?"

"You're a bastard," she replied, she wanted to get away to leave this room and him and this terrible conversation. But as she moved to get around him he grabbed her shoulders and kept her in place, his eyes boring in hers. Now they were standing mere inches apart and she felt the heat from his body and she felt that old familiar hum spread through her.

God help her this was too much.

"You kissed me back last week," Jane reminded her, his voice was low and thick.

She couldn't tear her eyes away from him. "That was another stupid thing."

His lips twitched a little but there was a fire burning his gaze, the same look he had when he'd kissed her on the couch…and when he made love to her in his motel room. "It wasn't stupid, or a mistake…neither is this."

Lisbon drew in a breath to protest but Jane was kissing her before she could say another word. He pressed her back onto the cabinets, the counter digging into her back but she didn't care. His kiss was exploding her senses, his taste, his touch, ever fiber of him was intoxicating her.

Her hands that were gripping his shoulders moved up over his neck to bury themselves in his curls, she loved the silky feel of them between his fingers. His kiss was powerful and persistent, she moaned and he took that opportunity slip his tongue through and now she could taste him even more. She wanted this, wanted him, she had for years before she'd been in his bed. Even when he'd treated her terribly she'd never been able to forget that sinful night, it was even worse now when he was the man she'd always wanted him to be.

Jane pressed even closer to her but was clearly frustrated with the counter. Lisbon felt a murmur of disappointment leave her throat when he pulled away, but that turned into a gasp when he lifted her up onto the counter. Now he could stand between her legs and pull her flush against him, the warm heat of her center met the hard and hot length of him. Something primal and wild was unleashed in her; she attacked him now too, all but ripping the buttons off of his vest to rid him of it. Jane didn't seem to mind as he moved to taste the soft skin of her throat.

She was half moaning, half sighing with the pleasure of it. She didn't want to stop, didn't want to continue, it was so confusing like the night that started it all. "Wh-what are you trying…" she was breathless and barely able to speak when his lips were finding her pulse point and his hands trailing along her hips. "What are you trying…to…forget now?"

Jane pulled back just a little so he could look into her eyes. But his hands were busy undoing the button of her jeans; the zipper was loud in the quiet room. "Nothing," Jane told her, his fingers slipped beneath the band of her panties and she gasped when he found her wet heat, a warm blush spreading over her cheeks. "I want to remember every second."

That was the only fleeting moment of sanity she had left, with his fingers softly tracing her opening she couldn't think of anything but lust. She pulled his head back down to kiss him again while Jane kept busy down south, sending spasms of pleasure through her that made her sigh with bliss. She didn't know who took off his shirt, but eventually it was on the kitchen floor along with his vest. Another groan left her lips when Jane took his hand away from her but he slipped her top over her head.

Lisbon was ready to just keep going despite the room they were in, but Jane wrapped her legs around his waist and hoisted her up into his arms. They both moaned at the feel of bare skin on bare skin and the fact that he was so close to where he both wanted them to be. But Jane was fast, kissing her thoroughly as he carried her down the hallway to his bedroom.

Jane put her down on the bed and immediately went for the waistband of her pants. She unhooked her bra while Jane slowly pulled her pants and then her panties down until she was completely bare before him. For a second a bit of modesty reared it's ugly head, she was embarrassed by the stretch marks and the scar from her c-section, but one look in Jane's eyes made her sure he didn't seem to mind…or maybe he loved her even more for them. She wanted to reach over and get rid of his clothing too but Jane had other plans.

He laid feather light kisses on her abdomen and Lisbon closed her eyes against the sensation. But he didn't move up her body, instead he pressed a kiss to the inside of her hip, then her thighs. Her legs trembled once he found her center again, she gasped at the first touch. Then he parted her folds with his fingers to taste her with his tongue.

She fell back against the bed, clutching the edge in a white-knuckle grip as Jane worked his magic. He knew when to tease, when to move master, and when to increase the pressure with his fingers and his tongue. Lisbon groaned when she felt her release approaching and then cried out his name when her orgasm crested, but Jane remained drawing out her pleasure until she stopped trembling entirely.

Only then did Jane stand up again, a part of her was disappointed because she missed his hand and mouth but the other part of her was excited for what she knew was to come. His eyes were still hot as he pushed his slacks and his boxers down and she got to see Jane completely once again. She reached out to touch him but Jane grabbed her hand and held it over her head, sinking her down onto the mattress again. Her eyes flashed, surprised that he was being so forceful then his talented mouth was at her breast and she was feeling nothing but pleasure again.

Her body started to hum and tingle again as he brought her passion back as if she hadn't just had her own release, turning his attention to the other neglected breast before finding her lips again. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pressed her hips against his, Jane smiled against her mouth knowing exactly what she wanted.

She gasped when the crown of him first found her and then in one smooth thrust he was inside of her. But Jane remained completely still, sweat building where their skin met one another but he didn't move, just stared into her eyes for a long time. His smile was soft and she felt herself smiling back, he leaned down to give her a very tender kiss before he finally started to move inside of her.

Memory wasn't half as good as feeling it once more. They reestablished the rhythm they had made so long ago and this time it was even more beautiful. She was lost in him again, in his eyes, as they seemed to worship her, in the taste of his lips, his skin, anywhere she could reach him, in his touch as he ignited her passion.

Another moan escaped her lips when he changed position to hit a particularly sensitive spot and she knew she was close. He moved faster and all she could do was raise her hips to meet his thrusts and then cling to him when the bubble burst inside of her once again and more waves of pure pleasure washed over her.

The feel of her walls clenching around him proved be his undoing, a few more thrusts and she felt his own warm release inside of her. She held him until he came to a shaking halt, pulling him down so he could lay his head on her breast and run her fingers through his damp hair.

There was no sound but their heavy breathing and the beating of their hearts. They stayed like that for a long time before Jane pressed a soft kiss to the bare skin of her shoulder and finally slipped out of her. But he pulled her onto his chest and held her close, combing his fingers through her hair while she listened to his heartbeat.

She'd done this the last time, lain in his arms all night just listening to his beating heart. Just like then she knew that the morning would bring pain and regret. But just like then she didn't care. All she wanted was this.

All she wanted was him.

* * *

A/N: Hehehe need a cold shower? I know I do! LOL (That's the longest sex scene I've ever written!)

I hope you guys enjoyed this, I had fun writing it LOL

Next chapter: In the flashbacks Lisbon has her final weeks of maternity leave and upsets Jane when she takes Alaina to Chicago. In the present Jane and Lisbon must face the morning light after a night of passion, and Lisbon is left wondering what she wants and what she should have.


	16. The Second Mistake?

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thanks so much, I'm glad the final scene of chapter 15 went over so well. Only one more chapter after this one and then it's The End. I know it's sad, I've come to love Alaina so much but she'll be back in One Shots I promise

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**jen:** Awww I'm glad you are happy now, it was a passionate chapter for sure. You'll see how things turn out for Jane and Lisbon in the end, I'm glad you liked Lila, I had fun with her

**Anonymous:** I can't argue with that! LOL

**phoenixx:** Thanks for reviewing finally! LOL I'm glad you think all of my fics are different, wait until you see the new one I'm cooking up. James punching Jane was a scene I was waiting to write for a very long time.

**AngryLittlePrincess:** Sorry about that. I don't think Lisbon has ever been subtle with her jealousy on the show, certainly not when she yelled at Jane with the whole Lorelei incident LOL so I had fun with Lila. Lisbon's brothers would certainly be the last holdouts on Jane, might take a bit for them to come around. LOL I love that you compared it to a touchdown (As a BIG football fan!)

**Anonymous:** hahaha I knew you would! I knew you would change that tune!

* * *

Chapter 16: The Second Mistake?

The morning light streaming through the window was what finally woke Lisbon up. It took her a moment to get her bearings; she was in Jane's room, which wasn't entirely unusual after the past couple of weeks. Being naked was.

Lisbon rolled onto her back and covered her eyes with one arm. She hadn't forgotten what had happened the previous night, how could she? If anything it was worse than before, the mere memory of making love to Jane paled in comparison to the real thing. And she'd thought drunk Jane was good…sober Jane was a thing to behold

What was the matter with her? Even now she wanted Jane to come back and do terribly dirty things to her like he had last night. She wasn't supposed to feel this way, it was wrong. For one thing, she was dating Josh. Oh my God! She'd cheated on him! She'd never done that before, she'd been on the receiving end of it once but never the one who actually crossed the line. She'd been tempted once…but never had actually done it.

Of course, _dating_ might be too strong of a term for what was happening between her and Josh. They'd only kissed a couple of times, had never actually slept together…probably because she was so wrapping up in her consultant/baby daddy to bother.

That was another problem. Sleeping with Jane was something she had sworn not to do. He'd hurt her so much before and they had so much more at risk now. She couldn't trust him not to destroy her again, it seemed anytime she gave him something he'd return it with a way to cause her pain. He claimed to be different, to have changed. Yes she knew that Jane was an amazing father to Alaina but did that mean he was different from the man who used to break her heart just to get what he wanted?

That was what terrified her.

She heard the sound of Jane walking down the hallway and then the door opening but Lisbon didn't move. The bed dipped a little but she still didn't turn to look. It wasn't until she felt tiny little hands batting her bare arm and a soft giggle that she finally uncovered her eyes to see her daughter's smiling face.

"Agahgahgah!"

Lisbon had to grin and she reached over to lift Alaina up onto her bare tummy. "Hello, sweetheart."

Now she turned to see Jane lying down beside them, unlike her he was dressed but that was only in pajama pants. "She's been awake for an hour then she let me know that she wanted to see her Mama."

Alaina was happily babbling to herself, her tiny fingers trying to grab her mother's cross. Lisbon sat up a little so she was resting against the headboard, the sheet slipping down to her waist. She blushed a little but Alaina didn't care about her mother's nakedness and Jane would only remind her that he'd already seen it…last night.

God what a mess.

She stared at her perfect daughter, smoothing her soft brown hair with her fingertips. This little girl was the best thing she'd ever done…but she was from a mistake. Alaina wasn't a mistake but the event that led to her was. Just like last night.

"No," Jane said, forcing her to turn and look at him. "You're wrong, it wasn't a mistake."

"How did you know that?"

He rested his head on his hand while reaching to toy with Alaina's fingers with the other. "It's in your eyes."

Lisbon sighed heavily. "You know that it's true."

"Why?" Jane asked, "it wasn't a mistake before, what makes this time any different?"

"It was," she protested, "you agreed that it was."

"I also told you that I wanted nothing to do with our child," Jane reminded her, "I was wrong about that and we were definitely wrong about dismissing what happened between us."

"Because we had a daughter?"

"Because we both know it was something that had been a long time coming," He replied, "and that no matter how much we wanted to deny it…it was never going to go away whether or not we had a child."

She was tempted to say otherwise but she wondered at the wisdom of that idea. Jane wasn't being foolish and he wasn't stating something she hadn't already known. She knew that something had existed between them; long before the night they conceived a baby together.

"It doesn't make what we did last night right," Lisbon pointed out.

"How could it be wrong?"

Alaina batted at her mother's face and Lisbon reached up to hold onto her hand. "I'm seeing Josh, generally people don't like it when someone they are seeing sleeps with someone else."

Jane actually smiled but she wasn't sure if it was at the witty comment or rather the fact that he'd been the one she'd slept with. "You and Josh were never right for each other…but you already knew that which is why you didn't go far with him. You wanted to feel something for him because lets face it, it would be easier on you if you did." He moved closer to her, trailing his fingertips over her arm, "But you can't force yourself to feel something…not when you are in love with someone else."

"Love?" Lisbon questioned, "are you sure you didn't hit your head last night?"

He rolled his eyes. "Stop trying hide from it, Teresa. It's pointless now, you know exactly how you feel about me."

"And what makes you so certain that I feel the same way about you?" Lisbon asked, not certain she knew how she felt about all of this.

"Do you really want to play that game with me? I know what feel, I know what you think."

"If that is true then you know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling when you say what you just said." That made sense…sort of.

But Jane just smiled knowingly. "You are afraid but thrilled at the same time because you are wondering how I feel, you don't have to wonder. I'm in love with you and have been for years. I know that frightens you because you don't know if I'm capable of loving you without hurting you. I understand...but I want to prove to you that I can."

"I don't know—."

He kissed her softly. "You will." Jane was radiating confidence which wasn't at all unusual, normally he was arrogantly certain about himself. It was something that could either be annoying or charming…and occasionally both.

It was strange, here they were having this frank conversation and she couldn't stop thinking about this. Jane had just said he loved her. He'd said those words, "I'm in love with you" and he hadn't taken them back.

That was something huge.

But Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about that, even more so when Jane blatantly declared that she was in love with him.

Okay, she had feelings for him, she had to admit that. She'd slept with him twice now and they already had a child together, so having real romantic feelings for Jane was not a stretch. She'd been in love with him once too, she knew that…but was she in love with him now?

That was the problem, Lisbon knew how she'd felt for Jane before she'd gotten pregnant and she knew how she felt for him now…and if anything her feelings were even stronger this time. Was that just the awareness now that she actually knew what it was like to be intimate with him? Or was it because she'd seen the side of Jane she'd always wanted…and loved it?

But this was the same man who had hurt her deeply. How could she love someone like that? How could she become that woman who always went back to her abuser?

Jane was still watching, still smiling softly and looking sure of himself. Their little daughter crawled over to him, batting against his chest with a little laugh. He leaned over and kissed her head. "So? Breakfast?"

"Huh?" Lisbon asked, she'd totally forgotten about everything else.

"Breakfast," Jane said, "it's the meal most people partake of before they start the rest of the day."

"I know what breakfast is," Lisbon snapped.

But Jane just smiled and picked up his daughter. "Come on, Alaina. Let's make Mommy breakfast while she continues to mentally berate herself."

She glared at him while he walked out of the room, still laughing a bit.

Now Lisbon sighed and flopped back down on the bed not sure of anything anymore.

Was it all a mistake?

* * *

_It must have been a slow night at the CBI because Jane called earlier than usual. Lisbon felt kind enough to agree to let him come and see Alaina that evening. Perhaps it was the overwhelming feeling that time was running out. Her maternity leave was going to be up in two short weeks and she was feeling that increasing panic of not knowing how she would manage her job and an infant._

_ Yes she would have daycare but she had a couple of options and she wasn't sure which one to choose. Worse, what happened if she had to stay late? What would she do with Alaina then? And all of the books said that it was terrible to separate a child from its mother for such a long time, and with complete strangers. Could she be causing irreparable damage?_

_ Or maybe she was just going crazy._

_ Alaina was awake and happily cooing to herself while staring at the little lamb hanging from the top of her bassinet. She always found it fascinating when it moved and sometimes managed to hit it with her little hand to make it sway, her big blue eyes would follow that movement. Lisbon loved that; she knew her little girl was smart._

_ She heard the knock at the door and sighed before standing up to answer it. Jane was there and it wasn't much of a surprise to see him with a couple of shopping bags. "You know I went shopping for Alaina before she was born," Lisbon told him, crossing her arms, "I even had a baby shower."_

_ That made Jane grin. "Don't pretend that shower was your idea."_

_ "Just because it was a surprise doesn't change the fact that I had one."_

_ "Then consider these my shower gifts," Jane said holding the bags aloft._

_ Now Lisbon rolled her eyes. "For your own child?"_

_ "Why not?"_

_ She shook her head and stepped aside so that Jane could come into her apartment. "Alaina's in the bassinet, unless you want to buy her a pony or something."_

_ "That's for her first birthday."_

_ Lisbon raised an eyebrow. "You better be kidding." But Jane merely smiled and headed straight for the bassinet, leaving Lisbon to wonder about what that meant._

_ Jane set his bag down by the couch and reached into the bassinet to pick up his daughter. Alaina gasped a little but fixed her eyes on her father's face, he leaned down to press a gentle kiss on her head. "Hello, Alaina. I'm so happy that I'm here and I get to see you."_

_ Lisbon always felt conflicted at times like this. Sometimes it felt easier when he wasn't here, it was the plan she'd made and she didn't have to worry and wonder about him. But when he was here…she saw him with their daughter and she loved it, she loved this so much…but she also wondered if this was going to end and the heartbreak would return._

_ "What did you bring?" she asked, trying to keep her voice firm and indifferent._

_ But Jane's beautiful smile was still enough to get her heart racing. He nodded towards the bag. "Take a look."_

_ She gave him an annoyed glance before digging into the bag and pulling out a box. "What the hell is this?"_

_ "It's a blanket for her."_

_ "It looks like a car! A pink car!"_

_ Jane nodded and smiled. "I thought it was much cooler than just a little pink bear, it also lights up and sings so it is good for her cognitive development. Not to mention it's a sweet ride."_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes and felt around for something else in the bag. "And what is this?" She pulled a little disc, "she's a little young for DVDs"_

_ "It's a CD," Jane explained, he was calmly rocking Alaina who was beginning to look a little sleepy. "It's going to help her sleep, which judging by the dark circles under your eyes, you'll appreciate."_

_ She didn't know whether to be grateful or to hit him. "How exactly is this supposed to help with that?"_

_ "The music mimics your heartbeat, it'll soothe her," he replied, "just put it on when she's going to sleep and she'll stay asleep longer instead of waking up fussy."_

_ "And how did you know she's fussy at night?"_

_ Jane shrugged. "She's my child, if she's anything like me then she hates the quiet."_

_ Lisbon grimaced then, knowing full well that Jane was right; Alaina always seemed to fuss when it was quiet and she knew exactly where her daughter got that from._

_ Her phone began to ring and Lisbon made her way over to the kitchen counter so she could answer it. The ID showed her brother, Will's, number. She glanced over at Jane before sneaking further into the kitchen. "Hey," she said answering the phone in a very low voice._

_ "Hey, sis," Will said teasingly, "How are things on the west coast?"_

_ She rolled her eyes; he always started a conversation like that. The novelty of a sister in California had yet to wear off. "It's fine, things are fine."_

_ "Everything all right? You sound kind of funny."_

_ "No, things are great."_

_ "Then why are you whispering?"_

_ Lisbon flinched then, her brother wasn't an idiot, he knew when something was up. "I…I have company over," she admitted. Then she held her breath hoping that Will wouldn't figure out who it was._

_ Will was silent for a long time, which made Lisbon wonder if she was really as bad a liar as Jane said she was. "It's Jane isn't it?"_

_ Jane was right, she sucked at lying._

_ Lisbon sighed. "Yes he's here. I guess that means you talked to James. I'm sure he told you all about Alaina's christening and my agreement with Jane."_

_ "He said he punched him."_

_ Her lips twitched a little at the memory. "Yeah that happened."_

_ "Good."_

_ She understood that sentiment but Lisbon couldn't help but sigh. "Look, before you lecture me about letting him be involved you should know I already heard it all from James. This is my child, my life and I have to do what I think is best and you don't have to like it but you have to respect my choice."_

_ Will was quiet again for a moment. "Can I speak?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "I get it. She's your kid and you have every right to make whatever mistakes you want."_

_ That caught Lisbon off guard. "You think this is a mistake."_

_ Will sighed. "This guy is always going to be the one who hurt you to me."_

_ "I know," Lisbon replied, "I know…but that's the problem. He's not just that to me. He's Jane, he's the annoying coworker that I fell a little bit in love with too…but most of all he's also Alaina's father. I don't know how to separate all three of them like that."_

_ "Sounds complicated."_

_ "It is," she agreed, "complicated and confusing and frustrating."_

_ "Good luck with that." They both laughed a little at that which helped to break whatever tension was between them. Then Will asked. "You're still coming up to Chicago next week right?"_

_ "Yes," Lisbon told him, "I've already got the ticket, just make sure James gets out the crib from storage."_

_ "Don't worry about that, James was going on about getting diapers and if they needed baby proof the outlets. Tommy had to remind him that your kid isn't even crawling yet."_

_ She giggled and nodded. "That sounds like James."_

_ "Have you told Jane yet?"_

_ Why was Will always able to find the question she hated most? "No," Lisbon admitted, "I'm not sure if it matters yet."_

_ "Well he's Alaina's father and you are letting him in Alaina's life, sounds like he should at least know where his kid is."_

_ "You think I should tell him."_

_ "I think you need to commit to your decision. If you want him to be involved then you need to let him know. If you don't want him in Alaina's life then that's something else entirely."_

_ Lisbon sighed. "I don't know what to call Jane anymore, I don't know what to do."_

_ "Figure it out."_

_ "Gee, thanks for that helpful advice."_

_ Now it was Will's turn to laugh. "You're the one who declared independence, Teresa. This was your choice and you get to deal with it."_

_ "Fine, I'll figure it out on my own," Lisbon declared, now a little annoyed at her brother. "Either way I'll be showing up on Monday so someone needs to pick me up from the airport."_

_ "We'll draw straws," Will said and laughed lightly. "But seriously, I'm looking forward to meeting my niece. I was beginning to think you would never make me an uncle."_

_ "James and Tommy took care of that for you."_

_ "But I was still rooting for you."_

_ She rolled her eyes again. "Yeah well, happy to be of service there."_

_ He laughed again. "I can't wait to tell her stories about her mother."_

_ "Then she'll be hearing stories about how her mother killed her uncle." They both laughed then and Lisbon glanced back into the living room as she remembered who was there. "I have to go, Will."_

_ "A mother's duty never ends."_

_ "Can't argue with that."_

_ They both said their goodbyes and Lisbon hung up the phone. She was glad that at least one of her brothers respected her decision with Jane, even if she was a little surprised that he felt she wasn't going far enough._

_ But she would decide what was right or not…even if she didn't know what that was._

* * *

The car ride over to the CBI was easily the most awkward ride in Lisbon's entire life. Jane didn't seem bothered at all though; he was smiling and humming along to the radio completely content with his life. Apparently Jane wasn't immune to the "I just got laid" that infected most men.

But Lisbon wasn't feeling particularly euphoric; she was still trying to figure out how the hell she'd become a jealous bitch and a cheater within two days.

She was grateful when they finally made it to their designated floor and immediately rushed towards the bullpen in her haste to no longer be alone with Jane. She knew that she needed to talk this through; to figure out what to do and the only person who could help her in that endeavor was Grace.

Her friend was chatting with Rigsby, obviously the man had bought her coffee and now they were back to that annoying dance where they both stared into each other's eyes while talking about nonsense and pretended to not be in love. Ordinarily she'd have ignored it but today, she needed her friend.

Lisbon grabbed Grace's arm and tugged slightly. "Sorry, Rigsby. Grace can flirt later."

Both of them gaped at her. "I wasn't-!"

"We weren't-."

"Save it," Lisbon said, turning her attention to Grace. "I really need to talk to you. Alone. _Now_."

Grace looked more than a little bewildered by this statement but she must have recognized that Lisbon was serious. "Uh sure," she said and quickly followed her friend. Lisbon rushed towards her office but not before seeing Jane's amused smile as he settled in on the couch. Oh he knew exactly what she needed to talk about.

Lisbon marched Grace over to her office and shut the door behind them quickly, even closing the blinds as if someone would be able to read their lips. "All right, what happened that has you so freaked out?"

She'd thought about it the whole ride over, how she would tell Grace. In the end apparently just blurting it out would do.

"I slept with Jane last night."

It took a few seconds for Grace to register her words but there was no denying when it did. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in complete shock. "You did _what_?"

"Last night…I had sex with Jane," Lisbon repeated, feeling like a complete idiot.

"Okay…how did it happen?" Grace asked, still trying to put it all together.

Lisbon shook her head. "I don't know. We were fighting in his apartment about Lila and then Lorelei and then us…then I threatened to take Alaina away from him."

"Why would you do that?" Her friend was obviously disappointed with that threat. Lisbon couldn't blame her; it had been a cruel thing to say.

"I was angry! I saw him kissing Lila again!"

"Again?"

Oh that was right, she hadn't told Grace about that time. "Yeah," Lisbon admitted. "I…I saw him kiss her…when I was pregnant."

She saw a flare of anger in Grace's eyes, obviously it still ticked her off that Jane had been acting like a complete jackass during her pregnancy…kissing another woman was just another tally in the list of terrible things he'd done to hurt her.

"But that doesn't matter," Lisbon said, prompting Grace to dismiss it, "I saw him kiss her again last night."

"Really?"

"Yes, well actually he said she kissed him."

Grace raised an eyebrow. "Is that what happened?"

"I don't know, I wasn't looking to see if he was slipping her the tongue. I was too busy staring at the scene in horror because my daughter was there!"

"Alaina was there?!"

"Yes!"

"And you think Jane kissed Lila with his daughter there?"

Okay, now Lisbon was caught off guard. "You don't?"

Grace shrugged. "I know I was very anti-Jane for a while but…but I admit now that I was wrong. He really loves Alaina and I just don't see him forgetting that she was there, especially when it was obvious he was doing everything he could to stay _away_ from Lila."

Lisbon considered that information. "You believe him."

"Well it's easy for me because I'm not crazy jealous."

She winced then, unable to deny that charge. "I don't know what came over me."

Grace giggled a little. "Yes you do, why else do you think you flew into a rage the second Lila came back into the picture?"

She shook her head. "Jealousy, I was so jealous of Lila that I wind up in bed with Jane again."

"Not just jealous…"

Lisbon met her eyes as she saw that her friend knew that truth as well. She sighed and sank down on the couch, feeling the weight of it all on her shoulders. "I don't do this, Grace. I don't become one of those women who flies off the handle when a woman talks to their man. I don't cheat on the man I'm dating with someone else. I don't do that. So why did I? Why would I do that to Josh?"

Grace sat down next to her. "You aren't in love with Josh."

"That's not an excuse."

"No," Grace agreed, "but it's an explanation." She was quiet for a moment before asking. "Have you told him?"

Lisbon gave her an incredulous look. "Yes, right afterwards I called Josh and told him that I slept with Jane."

Grace smiled a little at the sarcasm but still gave Lisbon a stern look. "You need to."

"I don't know what to say."

"That you fell in love with Jane again."

"Again?" Lisbon asked, that word just sounded wrong.

Grace frowned. "Isn't that what happened."

Slowly Lisbon shook her head. "No, Grace," she turned to look at her friend. "I don't think I ever stopped."

Her friend was silent for a while and then she nodded her head, agreeing with Lisbon entirely. It was a truth neither one of them had ever really been able to accept before but now…now it makes sense. Why Lisbon had never been able to hate Jane, why she had given him another chance when everyone else agreed he didn't deserve one, why she had been able to forgive something that seemed completely unforgivable.

Love. She had never stopped.

"That's what you need to tell Josh," Grace said softly, "It's not your fault. You loved Jane all along…you just didn't know it."

"I don't want to hurt him," Lisbon admitted.

"Better to hurt him a little then to hurt you, Jane and him a lot."

Lisbon knew she was right. It was time to be a big girl and break up with the man who hadn't done a thing wrong except for one terrible sin.

He wasn't Jane.

* * *

She went to go see Josh at his veterinary clinic, figuring it was better to make a clean break of it in a place where she could easily flee in case things got rough. Running from relationships was something she was an old pro at, she'd run all the way to California to get away from Greg. Unfortunately, moving to another state wasn't an option at this point but she wasn't as seriously involved with Josh either.

It was a break up, clean and simple.

So she called Josh while standing outside of the animal clinic, unable to go inside and break up with the man in front of the judging eyes of dogs, cats, birds and their owners. Josh was prompt, quickly coming outside as soon as she asked him too.

"Hey," he said as he stepped of the door, clearly confused over what was going on. "Everything all right?"

For a second Lisbon wondered how she would do this. How could she break up with this guy? On paper he was everything she ever wanted…why did her heart long for the man who'd already broken it innumerable times?

But she'd already done something terrible to Josh and she couldn't honestly be with him, Jane or no Jane. That she knew for sure.

"We have to talk," Lisbon told him softly

Then Josh grew serious. "I know I haven't dated in a while…but I remember that phrase never meant something good."

She wanted to smile but couldn't, he really was charming. "I'm sorry, Josh."

He was obviously hurt, especially when he recognized that she was breaking up with him. But he took it a lot better than she thought he would. Josh sighed heavily and rubbed the back of his neck. "I kind of figured this was going to happen."

Now it was her turn to be surprised. "Really?"

Josh nodded. "After what happened between me and Jane, I figured it would just be too weird for you."

"Oh God know, it's not that. It's nothing you did," Lisbon told him quickly. "I know this sounds cliché but really…it's me. I'm the one who screwed up here."

Josh leaned up against the building, still looking concerned about her. "What happened?"

She shook her head. "I haven't been completely honest with you…or myself. I didn't want to admit how I was really feeling and I so badly wanted to feel more for you because…God it would be so much easier if I did."

"Oh…" Josh said, not he looked very hurt, sad…and a little angry. She couldn't blame him for that; she deserved to be yelled at. But that wasn't Josh. "So this is about Jane?"

"Yeah," Lisbon admitted, "I guess it is."

He studied her for a long moment. "You're in love with him."

It was certainly strange having him tell her how she felt…considering what they almost had been. But really he was intuitive; he knew exactly what was the problem here. She nodded. "Yeah…I do. I didn't know, I tried to pretend that I wasn't because it has never been good for me to love him. It always hurts."

"You think he'll hurt you again."

"I don't see any reason why he won't," she admitted, "He always has. All in the purpose of 'protecting me' but it never really makes it better, just makes it sting a little less."

Josh looked at her quietly before asking. "Then why love him if you know he is going to hurt you?"

She almost laughed then. "I don't think I've ever had much of a choice. Jane is…intoxicating in the best and worst way. I needed this, I needed to recognize that he's the only man I've ever going to love, to _really_ love. Which scares the hell out of me because I also know he's the worst possible choice for me."

"And there's no way you can get out?"

"I've tried," Lisbon explained, "but I always come back to him. Maybe it's me…maybe I'm addicted or maybe…maybe it's because this was what was meant to be. I don't know. That's the worst part; I have no idea if this love between us is good or bad. Sometimes I think I can save him…other times I think he'll drag me down to hell with him."

Josh nodded. He looked sad, but he seemed to understand that she was afraid she was trapped in a web that she couldn't get out of and maybe didn't want to. "So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," she told him honestly. "I just know that it wouldn't be fair to you to keep you when I'm in love with someone else."

"I understand," Josh said, releasing a heavy breath.

She smiled though, trying to be reassuring. "You're a wonderful man…you might even be the better man here."

"But it's not enough."

Lisbon had to shake her head. "You know what love is like, it's complicated, irrational and irresponsible—."

"And it's the best feeling in the world," Josh finished.

She almost laughed then and nodded her head. "Yeah it is."

Josh was sweet, pulling her in for a loose hug. "Be careful, Teresa…but don't be afraid either."

"I'll try," Lisbon promised pulling away from him. This was it; this was her being an adult and letting someone go. Someone she'd had no right in trying to take in the first place, not when she'd always belonged to someone else.

They both said their goodbyes and Lisbon got into her car and drove away with a heavy heart.

Hurting someone wasn't something she relished, not when she'd been hurt so many times.

And she was afraid it was just going to happen again.

* * *

_As always Jane was excited whenever Lisbon told him that he could come by and see Alaina. He was never sure if this would be the last time he'd ever get to see his child but he could tell that with every time Lisbon witnessed him loving their daughter, that she was beginning to believe…at least he hoped so._

_ But she still had her walls up, giant eighteen foot high steel reinforced with razor wire on top walls. Of course like all walls, he would break them down…eventually it was just going to take some time._

_ He knocked on her door and calmly waited for her to come and open it, straining to hear if Alaina was crying or not. He hated it when she was almost asleep, it meant Lisbon had an early excuse to kick him out. Of course he had a feeling she probably planned it that way._

_ Lisbon opened the door and he was greeted by her stone cold expression, the same one he was getting rather used to seeing. That was okay, he deserved far worse and he knew it was far too much to expect that she would be happy to see him. Later…eventually, it seemed he was using that word a lot nowadays but that was how it was when one was trying to overcome a truly terrible sin._

_ "Hey," He said softly, flashing her a smile, "is Alaina awake?"_

_ She nodded. "Yeah, she just had a nap actually so she'll be up for a little while at least."_

_ Now Jane was really excited. He almost never got to see Alaina when she was very active. Luck was with him right now. Lisbon stepped aside to let him in and he was intent on the bassinet in the living room where he could already hear Alaina's little short gasps._

_ She was lying on her back, on hand up near her face and her large eyes blinked open and close, staring up ahead of her. Then she jumped a little and Jane had to laugh. "Awww, you have the hiccups again don't you?" As if in reply she let out a small squeak of another hiccup. He laughed again and picked her to hold her up against his chest. "It's okay, they'll pass soon."_

_ Jane gently rubbed the baby's back but he turned his attention to Alaina's mother. "You all right?"_

_ Lisbon nodded. "I'm fine, just a little tired. Watch Alaina, I have a few things I have to do." She said these things like she was doling out orders in the bullpen. But that was fine with Jane; part of the reason why he wanted to come was to give her a few moments to actually take care of herself. If he had to play the part of the babysitter for an hour or so, well he wasn't going to complain._

_ After a few minutes Alaina's hiccups quieted down and Jane settled her into his arms so he could look into her face. "Hello, sweetheart," Jane whispered. Her eyes flicked over his face and then away then back again. Alaina waved her little arms up around her face and Jane smiled. "I'm your daddy, that's right. I'm your daddy and that's never going to change, I promise you."_

_ Alaina couldn't understand the complexities of that promise, or the reason why he felt the need to do so. She just knew she heard someone's voice that she liked and she let him know by smiling, a sweet toothless baby grin._

_ Jane smiled back leaning down to kiss her head. "You have Daddy's smile, I'm certain of that. That means you're going to be a little heartbreaker, that's good just don't bring the boys home because Mommy has guns, lots and lots of them." Then Jane reconsidered that, "On second thought, do bring them. Make sure the boys know to stay away."_

_ After a short while Alaina's calm demeanor changed. She began to whimper and fuss and then full out cry. Jane checked but saw that she was clean and dry so this was probably her wanting to be fed. "All right, let's find Mommy."_

_ He carried the crying infant up the stairs and opened the door to Lisbon's bedroom. "Alaina's hungry so you are being summoned to—." He stopped when he saw that Lisbon's room was a mess of half packed suitcases and various articles of clothing. "What are you doing?"_

_ Lisbon looked up from her stance by the bed where she was folding a shirt and placed it in a suitcase. "Packing. Is she hungry?"_

_ Jane didn't answer the question, he was still stunned. Lisbon didn't wait but instead walked over to accept their daughter from him. "Thanks, you can wait downstairs until she's finished."_

_ But had no plans to do just that. "Where are you going?"_

_ She gave him a glare and sat down on the opposite side of the bed, turning her back to him so she could nurse Alaina without him getting a peep show. "I'm going to Chicago," Lisbon explained, "my brothers all want to see Alaina and my maternity leave will be over soon. If I don't go before then I might not get another chance for a while."_

_ Okay, he could understand that. Lisbon had family that deserved to meet their new niece. "When are you leaving?"_

_ "Tomorrow."_

_ Now Jane was angry._

_ "When were you going to tell me this?" Jane asked, he didn't try to hide his outrage._

_ But Lisbon just dismissed this. "I'm telling you now."_

_ "You are taking our child to another state and you didn't think I should have at least a few days notice?"_

_ Lisbon glanced behind her at him, her eyes were cold. "This doesn't change anything. You'll survive without seeing her for a week."_

_ He almost rolled his eyes then. "This isn't about me not being able to see her for…a week apparently, this is about you not telling me your plans for her."_

_ "She's my daughter, Jane."_

_ "She's _our_ daughter, Lisbon," he replied, "I'm her father which means I have a right to know which state my daughter is going to be in at any given time."_

_ Lisbon just huffed at him. "You're only her father when you want to be."_

_ "This isn't about what I said before."_

_ "No," Lisbon agreed, "This is about _my_ family. Most of my brothers have never met Alaina; they want the chance to see her. This is that chance and I'm going to give it to them."_

_ "Fine," Jane said sharply, "they should get to see their niece. By that doesn't explain why you didn't tell me what you were planning to do."_

_ She let out an exasperated sound. "I thought we agreed that I would take care of my child how I liked."_

_ "She's not just your child."_

_ "So I have to consider you an equal partner in this? No, I don't accept that. Not now." Lisbon told him harshly, "I told you that you could see Alaina with my permission, nothing more."_

_ "Until when?" Jane asked, for once acknowledging that he had no idea if this was going to be a permanent arrangement between them or not. It could go on indefinitely or she could change the rules for or against him. He honestly had no idea._

_ Apparently Lisbon didn't either. She took a long time trying to figure out the answer to that question before finally saying. "Until I can trust you again."_

_ It wasn't something he could refute her on; in this case he didn't have a leg to stand on. Jane knew he couldn't ask her for more than she could give, not when he was already pushing his luck on everything else. There was no way he'd ever get to be Alaina's father, not unless Lisbon agreed to it, all other options were either doomed for failure or too unsavory. No, he had to earn her trust back, that was the best way to get what he wanted._

_ "Okay," Jane said very softly. He thought about letting it all go but he just couldn't, not now. "Just…don't take her out of state without telling me, give me more notice."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because wouldn't you want to know?"_

_ He saw he had her there, a small victory but still it was one that could go in the win column. "Okay."_

_ For a long time they were completely silent except for the sound of Alaina's little gasps as she nursed. Jane was still trying to find a way to get through this crushing news, he hated the fact that Alaina would be gone for a week, he especially hated that he had no way to get out of this. _

_ "Can I take you to the airport?" Jane asked, maybe he could at least get something out of this._

_ "Grace is going to do that."_

_ And just like that Jane knew what it was like to be dismissed._

* * *

Like most parents there were times when both of them got so caught up in their lives and Alaina's that they forgot simple things, like baby food and diapers. The latter of which they were running low on so Jane made a quick run to the nearest store to pick up the much needed item. But when he came back home he found a surprise.

Lisbon was waiting in the living room with Alaina in her lap…and all of her bags were packed by the door.

Jane stared at the bags and then at Lisbon for a long time. Lisbon waited for him to drink it all in. Finally he set the diapers down on the ground and met her eyes. "Well I suppose it's good I came early, who knows if you still would have been here."

"I was waiting for you to get back," Lisbon told him.

"At least you were going to say goodbye."

Lisbon remained still, she knew he was angry and she could understand why…but he had to understand that she couldn't stay. "You have to understand that after last night, I can't just stay here with you anymore."

"Yes, I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't like this."

"Josh has nothing to do with this," Lisbon told him quickly.

Jane didn't believe her in the least. "You're staying with him."

"We broke up!"

Now he was surprised. There was no mistaking the small bit of joy in his eyes when that news registered with him; she knew he was happy about that. "Oh? Why?"

She actually rolled her eyes then. "I slept with you, Jane. Did you honestly think I could still be with Josh after that?"

"I'd hoped you wouldn't," Jane admitted. He must have seen that she was still determined to go. "Why are you leaving then?"

Lisbon shook her head. "Jane, I can't stay here. Not now, not when I need to think clearly without you distracting me."

"Distracting you?"

"By being so charming and sexy and the perfect father for Alaina," Lisbon explained. Yes she knew that her words didn't seem to fit with her message but she didn't know how else to get her point across. "I don't know what to do now, not when you and I are so complicated."

Jane walked towards her. "I know I messed up before but we are getting past that."

"Yes," Lisbon agreed, "We are but…but I never thought that it would go beyond caring for our child. Did you?"

He was silent for a moment. "I thought about it…I wanted it to happen but I wasn't sure it could."

"Exactly," Lisbon said, standing up from the couch while she rocked her daughter in her arms. "This wasn't supposed to happen, my God, Jane, we were never a couple in the first place. How could we ever think that this would work for real? Give me one good reason how?"

"I love you," Jane told her calmly, "I have for years."

She stared at him for a moment, a little stunned that he'd said the words in such an uncompromising way. There was really only one way to answer that. "I believe you…but you sure have a terrible way of showing it."

Jane nodded. "But it's a reason, it's a reason why we could work, because you know that you feel the same way."

"You're right," Lisbon told him. "I do love you, I loved you before and I never stopped, not even when you ripped my heart out and crushed it in your hands. But don't you see? That's the problem, Jane. You hurt me, you _destroyed_ me. No one in my entire life has ever done something like that to me, not my father who would beat me at night or a killer who would attack me or Red John who would test my strength and resolve. No one hurt me the way you did." Tears sparkled in her eyes; it had been a very long time since she had cried over what had happened between them. She held onto Alaina against her hip while she used her free hand to wipe them away. "What kind of woman would that make me? To go back to the man who did all of that to me?"

"An amazing one," Jane told her honestly, "one who is able to forgive and recognize one who has changed completely."

Lisbon was silent for a long time; the only sound was Alaina's rattled breathing as she began to fall asleep. "That sounds wonderful," Lisbon told him, "but I don't know if I am strong enough to be that woman."

"So you are just going to give up?"

"No," she told him, "I just…I need to think. I need to figure out if what I want and what I should have are the same thing."

Lisbon walked over and shouldered Alaina's diaper bag and grabbed one of her suitcases. "We'll be staying a hotel, don't worry it's in a safe part of town and you'll get to see her whenever you want. I just need time, time away from you."

And Jane was forced to stand by and watch as Lisbon loaded up the car and took their daughter with her. But she stopped in the doorway in the last trip and looked back at him. "I'm sorry," she whispered before turning away and leaving.

Alaina had been completely quiet the entire time but once she was settled into the car seat she started to fuss and cry. Lisbon wanted to be strong then but she couldn't, not when she heard her daughter wailing.

Alaina wanted her daddy.

So did her mother.

* * *

A/N: Ouch I know but this was necessary, Lisbon isn't just going to jump into Jane's arms. Just one more little push ya'll, I promise

Next chapter will be the final full length chapter for this fic. Lisbon will continue to fret over whether or not she can allow herself to be with Jane and gets a nudge from an unlikely source and in the flashbacks it's Lisbon's final days of maternity leave and we end up right where this story began.


	17. Worth The Risk

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Well this is it, the final full length chapter to The Best Mistake. I can't believe this is so close to being over, seems like I just started this fic yesterday. I took a risk writing a fic like this and while I've had my ups and downs with it I feel like it was worth it

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Kate:** LOL you'll see what you think of the rest of the story LOL So glad you enjoy it

**ProJisbon:** Awww thanks for the compliment, I prefer long chapters because I feel like it flows better too

**Jessica: **I know, I'm sad it's over too, but I'm so happy that it was so well recieved

**Malin: **LOL yeah that was the hottest sex scene I've written, don't know where it came from but there it is LOL You'll see what happens to them LOL

**phoenixx:** Lisbon has to have doubts but I wanted it to be cute with Alaina too, she's adorable! LOL I'd love to write for the show! It's a dream of mine! Love the reviews, thanks for the tip on the One Republic song too

**Anonymous:** Thanks for the compliment! My endings are pretty obvious, I'm a sucker for happily ever after LOL

**Anonymous:** Awww I'm sad it will be over too

* * *

Chapter 17: Worth the Risk

Jane came over Saturday morning to pick up Alaina for the day. It had been three days since Lisbon had moved out but she had assured Jane that they would stick to the visitation schedule the had come up with months before. The things that had happened between Jane and Lisbon had nothing to do with Alaina and she knew that there was no way she could ever be cruel enough to separate them, especially when Jane hadn't really don't anything wrong.

She was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt when Jane knocked on the hotel room door, Lisbon hadn't bothered to look nice, she hadn't felt like getting out of bed for the past three days to be honest. But Jane looked wonderful, even when he was a complete mess he still looked sexy. He looked even better in his casual wear which he'd taken to wearing on the days he took Alaina, something Lisbon was still getting used to.

"Hey," Jane said with a small smile.

"Hey," Lisbon replied, her voice was low and soft. She opened the door to let him in and took a few steps back but they both remained in the small little space between the door and the bathroom.

"You all right?" He asked, they were standing so close, not much space in this little hall way. They could have moved into the sleeping portion of the room but that thought never occurred to them.

Lisbon nodded, finding it hard to speak all of a sudden. "I…_we_ didn't sleep well. Alaina doesn't really like it here."

"She didn't have any problems at my apartment."

She closed her eyes a little, Jane was right; Alaina had always been comfortable in her father's apartment. Probably because she loved her daddy so much. Lisbon sighed. "You know why we had to leave."

"I know," Jane said softly, "and I know this was never supposed to be permanent but…but I liked having you both there, seeing you every morning." Lisbon was touched by that because she'd felt the same thing. She'd grown to love being a real family with Jane, going home with him every night and waking up to start the day every morning. It had been wonderful. "I miss you," Jane told her, his voice was so low and husky it sent a thrill through her immediately.

"I miss you too," Lisbon replied, looking up into his eyes.

They stared at each other, far too close for comfort but not close enough for what they both wanted. And Jane moved a step closer, now she could see every color in his eyes, every line on his face. He reached up, the pad of his thumb running over the curve of her cheek down to her jaw line. She closed her eyes against the sensation, her heart pounding in her head. His thumb traced her lips and she felt herself getting dizzy, Lisbon opened her eyes, pleading with him to stop and continue all at the same time.

There was no doubt what he wanted.

He leaned closer; a puff of air escaped her lips as she waited for him to kiss her. God she wanted this.

But Alaina's sharp cry interrupted the moment.

In an instant the tension was gone and disappointment flared up in its place. They both smiled though and Jane shook his head. "We're being summoned."

Lisbon nodded, not sure if she should be glad or upset that the moment was ruined. "Yes we are."

With one more longing look Jane pushed away from her and they both made their way into the room where Alaina was sitting in her pen. Lisbon had placed it in the corner, moving the little table and chairs out of the way to make room. Jane walked over to his daughter and took her into his arms immediately. "Hey, sweetheart, what's wrong?"

Alaina had been whimpering but she calmed down almost immediately once she was in her father's arms. "She missed you," Lisbon offered knowing that it was not quite that simple but certainly was part of it.

Jane looked up and met her eyes. "She wasn't the only one."

In that moment Lisbon felt the temptation to give all of this up and just run back to his apartment if only to be in his presence. She missed him, she loved him and she knew he felt the same way. On paper it made perfect sense, they loved each other, they had a baby, why not stay together and be happy?

If only should be certain that it wouldn't be the moment of happiness before the terrible pain.

Lisbon turned away from Jane and picked up Alaina's diaper bag and some more of her things. "You should have enough milk for her today, you can try feeding her some solids if you want just let me know. But you know her schedule so everything should be fine."

Jane nodded keeping Alaina in his arms. "You could come with us."

She stared at him for a minute and shook her head. "No. Not today."

Jane looked very sad now but he slowly nodded his head. He walked over and too Alaina's bag from Lisbon. "Then I'll bring her back at five, like we agreed on."

Lisbon felt like crying as she watched Jane leave with their child. When the door shut behind him she lay down onto the bed like a morose teenager. All she wanted to do was mope and cry because she knew what she wanted, she just didn't know if that was the bad thing for her.

For a very long time Lisbon just lay there, eventually rolling onto her back and covering her face with the pillow as she ruminating over the impossible choice. Be with Jane and probably get her heart destroyed again or let Jane go and never love anyone else again.

Her life sucked.

Another knock on her door interrupted Lisbon's moping time. She did glance over at the clock to see that over an hour had passed. What the hell? She finally stood up and made her way over to the door to open it.

Grace was standing on the other side and smiled pleasantly at her, but then she saw Lisbon's attire and her miserable face. "I guess you forgot about today?"

"I guess so," Lisbon replied, still trying to figure out what they had planned.

"We were going to go have lunch, you wanted a day to yourself remember?"

"Oh yeah," she muttered, turning around to head back to bed. "I'm not really one for company right now."

Grace followed her into the room. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing new."

"You're still upset about everything that happened with Jane."

Lisbon looked up from her bed and nodded glumly. "And Alaina isn't sleeping well here because she hates it here… _I_ hate it here. She misses Jane…and so do I, basically we are both miserable." She sighed heavily and lay back down. "Jane came over to pick up Alaina…we almost kissed again."

That perked up Grace. "Really?"

She nodded. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Grace shrugged. "You're in love with Jane."

"I know," Lisbon replied, "that's the problem. I'm in love with him but I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to live with that."

Like everyone else, Grace was having a hard time seeing how this was such a big problem. "But you and Jane have a baby together, why shouldn't you two just get together?"

Lisbon just stared at her. "You're the one who hated that I was letting Jane see Alaina. You kicked and screamed the whole way and _now_ you are telling me that I should be with him? What caused this?"

Grace actually laughed a little at Lisbon's question. "I just…I changed my mind."

"So easily?"

"You know it took a long time," she reminded her friend, "Jane had to prove himself, that he wasn't going to leave you and Alaina again. He had to prove that you guys meant more to him than revenge."

"That's it," Lisbon said sitting up, "Jane proved he's not going to leave Alaina, that he loves her and he isn't going to do anything to ruin his relationship with his child. But me? What's to stop him from hurting me? If I get into a relationship with him it could end very, _very_ badly and then what? What would we do about Alaina? There is so much more at stake here than ever before, if we break up then it would all be ruined."

"What if you don't?" Lisbon hadn't been expecting that response at all. "What if things don't go badly? What if you and Jane are a family together and everything works out?"

She stared at her friend for a moment but shook her head dismissively. "There are too many ways for it to go wrong for that to be possible."

"Name one."

Lisbon thought about it for a moment. "Red John."

"What?"

"Red John. We all know how crazy Jane gets whenever there is a tiny little chance that he might be able to find someone who possibly knows anything that could lead to Red John," Lisbon reminded her.

"That was before Alaina."

"But after he fell in love with me. If he can ignore his feelings for me in the quest for vengeance what is stopping him from doing the same thing now?"

Grace considered that. "But he's changed, he's promised that Alaina will always come first, you said so yourself that he isn't going to do anything that could tear him away from his daughter. Since you are Alaina's mother that means you have to be involved in that equation."

Okay that argument was sound. Lisbon knew that Jane wasn't going to just kill Red John or disappear for months, not now when he would lose his child. "But Red John knows about Alaina, he knows. Getting together with Jane could be dangerous."

The redhead was quiet for a moment, probably because she was taking in the fact that her friend and goddaughter were in real danger. "Jane has used Red John as an excuse to keep himself from really living for years," Grace told her softly, "you always said that he shouldn't let Red John be a part of his life, or Alaina's. So why are you doing that now?"

Lisbon pondered her friend's counsel and she realized Grace was right. She was using the specter of Red John the same way Jane had, as an excuse to keep herself from getting hurt and nothing more. "Okay, you're right. I can't let the possibility of Red John control my life, I'm not going to make Jane's mistakes."

Grace smiled now. "All right, now what else could go wrong?"

"A thousand things," Lisbon replied, "Jane is arrogant, childish, pigheaded and annoying."

"You've worked with him for ten years."

"So?"

"So doesn't that mean that anything you say about his character is ridiculous?" Grace pointed out, "You've fallen in love with him with all of those flaws and still work well with him…why would a relationship be any different." Grace studied her for a moment, "So what is the real problem? No more excuses, just the truth."

Lisbon sighed and was quiet for a long time. She sat up in the bed, pillow in her lap like a comfort. "Every time I've let Jane come close he has hurt me. Every single time. Maybe he doesn't mean it, maybe it's just an accident but…it always happens." Lisbon met her eyes. "This time I would have to give myself to him completely, every part of me would be his and if something happens…if he hurts me again…I don't know if I could survive it."

Grace was silent, the truth was something that had to be considered and this time she didn't have anything to refute it. There were no guarantees here, not with Jane and especially when he had never done anything less than what Lisbon had just said.

But Grace was always the optimist. "I don't think Jane will hurt you again."

"I wish I could believe that…but I can't."

And that was the dilemma Lisbon faced, wanting something she was too afraid to take.

* * *

_ Lisbon's first day back to work started off with her panicking._

_ She never should have gone to Chicago for a week, even if it meant letting her brothers to see Alaina, it had been a disaster. She'd spent most of week explaining several times what her current relationship with Jane was like and why they didn't have a say in how she chose to raise her child. It hadn't helped that Jane had still called every night even if he couldn't see his daughter, he'd wanted to make sure Alaina was all right._

_ That had touched her, it meant a lot that he called to check up on his daughter and only added to the guilt that she'd not told Jane she was leaving. She'd let him come and see Alaina the day she arrived back in Sacramento, perhaps that had helped somewhat with the guilt. After that she was a little more generous with his time with Alaina, just a little._

_ Perhaps too much since he'd found the paperwork she'd set aside for Alaina's daycare, they needed her medical and immunization records before she could officially be enrolled. Jane had insisted on being an emergency contact but Lisbon hadn't been nearly so keen. It felt far too much like they were sharing Alaina, which was not the case; Jane wasn't going to have an equal share in Alaina's life, not until he proved himself worthy of that honor._

_ But Jane made a compelling argument that he was Alaina's father and would be nearby, if there was an emergency and they couldn't reach her, it would be easier on everyone if they contacted him. She hadn't been able to refute that claim so she relented but told him implicitly that this did not mean he had the right to go pick up Alaina whenever he wanted._

_ The rest of that remaining week was spent figuring out what clothing she was able to fit into, planning out the schedule she wanted the day care workers to follow, running background checks on said workers and any other person that might come in contact with Alaina. It still didn't seem like there was enough time to get everything done and then suddenly…it was here._

_ Lisbon had to pack up the things Alaina would need including bottles of breast milk that Lisbon had been storing for this day. Then she bundled up her infant daughter and drove her to the daycare center. _

_ It was with a very heavy heart that she took Alaina out of her car and carried her into the facility. It only took a moment to sign Alaina in at the front desk then one of the nice looking volunteers came over to take her away. But Lisbon wasn't sure she could let her daughter go so easily. "She likes to sleep with her white rabbit and she gets fussy sometimes when she isn't being held enough."_

_ "I know," the woman told her softly, "its all in the paperwork you provided."_

_ "Okay," Lisbon said, still panicking slightly. She kissed her daughter, breathing in the scent of her hair before very reluctantly handing her to the woman; she hadn't even noticed that she was crying until she felt the tears falling down her cheeks. "I'm not a bad mother," Lisbon declared, not sure why she'd felt the need to say that._

_ The woman nodded. "I know you aren't, you need to provide for your family, that's all."_

_ "Yes, I do." She watched as her daughter was taken into the infant care room where there were cribs and toys and two workers that were certified caregivers. This was a great facility with very good recommendations, Alaina would be well cared for while Lisbon did her job._

_ Somehow she stumbled out to the parking lot with empty arms. She sat down behind the wheel but could start the car, couldn't drive away from her little six-week-old baby. Instead she sat there and buried her face in her hands to cry. Lisbon knew she was doing the right thing for her child, she needed a good stable job that provided a pension and helped pay for childcare, she needed to do this._

_ Then why did she feel so guilty over leaving?_

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_ Eventually Lisbon dried her eyes and drove the short distance to the CBI. Now there was another reason to be nervous, she would have to face all of her colleagues for the first time as a real cop again…but this time with a baby. She wasn't a fool, she knew there was a certain stigma about mothers as cops, especially ones who were as high up a she was. Mothers were soft and distracted, especially new moms, something a cop could not be. But Lisbon knew she could prove herself, she also knew that she had a good team who would stand by her._

_ So she made her way down the halls of the CBI, returning the smiles and the cheerful "Welcome backs" that followed her as she headed straight for her office. The rest of the team was already there, looking over reports and sipping coffee, except Jane who was on his couch of course._

_ Lisbon took in a deep breath and made her way into the room with a fake smile on her face. "What do we have?" she asked as if it was just an ordinary day._

_ All of them looked up and grinned once they saw her, yes they knew that today was her first day back but it didn't make them any less happy. "Hey! Welcome back!" Grace exclaimed, stepping up to give her friend a hug._

_ The guys just nodded their heads. "Missed you around here, boss," Rigsby told her sweetly._

_ Lisbon smiled at each of them. "Thanks, I missed all of you guys too and it is nice to be back, but it's a little strange too. Not used to being away this long." It took her a moment to catch herself; she didn't want to think about the fact that she was now away from her baby. Instead she gave Cho a big smile. "You did a good job holding the down the fort when I was gone."_

_ "I know," Cho replied._

_ She smiled again at that; it was just like Cho to be so blunt. "Well then no need for me to sing your praises, do you have a case right now?"_

_ "Just finished one up actually," Rigsby explained._

_ "Good," Lisbon said, "then I'm not getting in the middle of anything. I'll catch up on paperwork while waiting for a case."_

_ She smiled at them one last time before heading straight from her office, ignoring Jane entirely. Lisbon opened her office feeling like that kid coming back from college to his old room. Everything was how she'd left it but everything outside of this room had changed. She sighed heavily and set her briefcase and the cooler with her breast pump down by her desk. She would have to remember to lock the door when it was time to use it._

_ Lisbon sat down at her desk and opened her briefcase to take out the most important part; some new framed photographs of Alaina. She was still arranging them when the door to office opened; she didn't have to look up to know it was Jane._

_ "Getting settled?" Jane asked, grinning from the doorway. It was almost like nothing had ever happened between them…almost. She glanced up at him with a look of indifference, she still didn't say anything. Instead Lisbon picked up a pen as if to get back to work, even though she hadn't even glanced at the paperwork in front of her._

_ Jane walked over to the desk and immediately picked up one of the new framed pictures. "I approve of the changes," he remarked. Lisbon couldn't help but look up and she saw that he was staring at the picture of Alaina, a very soft smile on his face. He met her eyes and she saw that they sparkled with delight. "How is Alaina?"_

_ She could look away from his eyes. "She's fine," Lisbon told him honestly._

_ "And you?"_

_ "Why would you think I'm not?"_

_ Jane smiled knowingly. "It's her first day in daycare, you've never been separated from her for this long. It's only natural that you feel anxious, I imagine in you sat in the parking lot and cried for at least ten minutes."_

_ God she hated that he knew that. "Is there something you want, Jane?" she asked him, determined to get back to strictly business and pretend that she did not have a child with this man._

_ He shook his head. "No, just checking up on you." Jane smiled at her sweetly, "It's nice having you back."_

_ Lisbon looked away, pulling up a sheaf of papers. "Then if you don't mind I have paperwork to look over."_

_ But Jane didn't move, instead he stood there staring at her looking sad and disappointed. "Is this how it's going to be? You dismissing me like a nuisance? It will make working together extremely difficult."_

_ "When has us working together ever not been difficult?"_

_ He looked deep into her eyes, completely serious. "Lisbon, I want to fix this. I want things to be better between us."_

_ But she wasn't so easily swayed. "I'm not sure they can ever be better between us."_

_ "They have to be. We work together, more importantly we have a child together. We are going to have to share a life somehow," Jane explained earnestly._

_ Now Lisbon looked up, giving him a very somber gaze. "No, we don't. We will work together for the sole reason you solve cases and no one else on this planet can control you. Second, you are only allowed to visit our child with my say so. None of that means that we need to share a life together. You gave up your chance for that a while ago." Lisbon looked away, dismissing him again._

_ Jane didn't move though. "I know you believe that now...and I have no reason to fault you for that. But I will change your mind, Lisbon."_

_ Lisbon shook her head. "I don't know how."_

_ He smiled knowingly. "Time, you'll see. I promise you that." Jane took another look at the photograph of Alaina, smiling again. "We made a beautiful child together didn't we?"_

_ She looked at another picture of her daughter. "Yes we did."_

_ Jane set the picture back down on the desk and looked at her knowingly. "Anything that created this child is worth saving."_

_ Lisbon didn't know what to say to that statement, a part of her hoped that Jane was right. That he was going to be persistent in his desire to fix their relationship…God knew she'd tried for far too long as it was. It was his turn._

_ They didn't get the chance to continue the conversation. Cho walked in, if he noticed he was interrupting he didn't care. "Boss, we have a case, just came in. It's in Greenwood."_

_ Lisbon nodded. "Okay, tell Rigsby to get the car ready. We'll meet him in fifteen minutes."_

_ Cho went off to follow his orders and Jane and Lisbon were alone again. She met Jane's eyes. "I'll work with you," she declared, "that's all I can give."_

_ "It's enough for now."_

* * *

Lisbon still had a life to live even if she would have preferred reveling in her own misery. But while Alaina was still in Jane's safe custody, Lisbon made her way over to the store to get some more diapers and baby food, no groceries, she didn't have a kitchen at the moment. It really sucked; she was getting tired of microwave dinners and fast food. She wanted real food…the kind of stuff Jane had prepared at his apartment.

Damn she missed him.

So she slept walked through the grocery store feeling completely out of sorts, she hated this strange limbo she was stuck in. Indecision was not something Lisbon was used to, normally she could come straight to an answer and she would live with the results. But now she couldn't decide and it was slowly driving her insane.

Lisbon was paying for her purchases when she saw a familiar face. Josh was there.

For a moment she actually considered doing something from a stupid romantic comedy and ducking down and hiding. But really it was stupid; she was an adult not a teenager fleeing from a puppy love crush.

Josh caught sight of her and did a double take; he looked just as awkward and nervous as she was. She could feel her cheeks burning as she gathered the rest of her bags, she would have to walk past him in order to get to the door.

Time to be tactful.

She gave him a very shaky smile. "Hey, Josh. It's…uh good to see you."

He nodded. "Yeah, it's good to see you too."

Lisbon reached in to the bottom of the barrel for something else to say. "How's Max?"

Josh relaxed a little, their children was a safe topic to discuss. "Max is great, he loves his preschool."

"I still have a little time before I get to that," Lisbon remarked.

"How is Alaina?"

"She's fine," Lisbon explained, "she's teething so I'm up half the night with her."

"I remember those days, I'm sure you and Jane have your work cut out for you." The mention of Jane made her flinch and unfortunately for her, Josh noticed. "You are with him aren't you?"

Lisbon shuffled the bags in her hands and glanced towards the door. "I really should go." She made her way quickly for the parking lot but she heard Josh calling out to her.

"Teresa wait!" She stopped under the cover of the loading area, right in front of the parking lot, hating herself for what she knew was going to come. But Josh just looked concerned. "What's wrong?"

Lisbon shook her head. "You really don't need to concern yourself with my problems, Josh."

"All I am offering is a friendly ear."

She smiled softly. "I do not understand how you can be so nice to me, especially now."

"You're easy to be nice to," Josh replied casually.

Lisbon sighed and shook her head again. "I don't know what I'm doing," she admitted, "I don't know how I can be with Jane again."

"But you love him," Josh reminded her, "That's why we broke up."

"Yes," Lisbon said, "but that doesn't mean I should be with him." She leaned back against the brick wall, staring off into space. "I'm afraid that he'll hurt me again."

"That's a natural fear."

"No you don't understand. Jane has always found a way to hurt me; it's one of the biggest flaws of our relationship. I give, he takes and I'm left with nothing."

"Is that what happened this time?" Josh asked, "You said he was a good father to Alaina."

Lisbon shrugged. "He is, but just because he's changed doesn't mean he won't hurt me again."

"So you are going judge him based on what he did before and not what he is doing now?"

That statement made Lisbon frowned. "No…I…well yes I guess I am."

"But you do think he's changed?"

"Yes," Lisbon had to admit that, "He's completely different now. He doesn't spend all of his time moping about the past; he's made real room in his life for Alaina and for me, he's happier and freer and he doesn't obsess over things like he used to."

Josh smiled now. "Sounds like he's everything you wanted him to be."

"He is…but that doesn't mean he won't slip back."

"It doesn't mean he will either."

Lisbon gave him a surprised look. "Why are you on his side?"

"I'm not, I'm on yours," Josh explained, "you should be happy and it's clear that this guy is the only one who is going to do that."

"And if he hurts me again?"

"You don't know that will happen."

"But you have to admit that the odds are not in my favor of this working out," Lisbon reminded him, "and if it all fails I risk losing _everything_."

Josh smiled knowingly. "It isn't love without a risk."

Lisbon thought about that for a long while. It was true that nothing worth fighting for was ever easy; she never expected that love would be despite what all the fairy tales said. She'd seen love; she'd watched it destroy her father after her mother's death. She'd also seen the love that drove Jane into an obsession that had nearly destroyed him and everyone in his path. Love scared the hell out of her, and the idea that she would be open to that amount of pain was even more terrifying.

"And if it ends?" Lisbon asked, "I've never seen someone in love that hasn't ended without it causing terrible pain."

Josh sighed then; he had his own love story that ended in tragedy so he knew exactly what she was talking about. "Yeah, it hurts, it's always going to hurt but the truth is that I would never trade one second with Allison, even the bad moments. I'm so grateful for the time that we had together, even though it ended." He gave her a meaningful look, "I'm sure Jane feels the same way."

Lisbon looked away again. "Do you think I'm just a runner up? How can anyone love someone so much and then fall in love again? What if I'm just…second best?"

"No one could ever put you in second place," Josh told her.

"You're just saying that."

"No, I saw how he looked at you," Josh explained, "like a man looking at an angel or a savior. You're everything to him, that much was very clear. No way does he see you as a replacement, not now, not ever."

She was stunned by Josh's words; there was no way she couldn't be affected by that. "Does he really see me like that?"

Josh nodded. "I don't know why I even thought I had a chance, not with him loving you like that."

Lisbon smiled a little now. "It would be so much easier if I could love you instead of him."

"Love was never supposed to be easy."

She sighed heavily and met Josh's eyes. "So you think I should give Jane another chance?"

He shrugged again. "I think you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't."

Lisbon nodded her head and looked away. That was something else she wrestled with. Her head knew that the best thing for her would be to walk away and not give herself over to Jane. But her heart just reminded her that if she didn't she would spend the rest of her life with two terrible words.

'What if?'

* * *

_ It might have been the worst case she could have gotten in her first week back. She would have been able to handle anything, a triple murder, a beheading, anything but the image of a ten-month old baby with a bullet in her chest, slumped in her car seat. The fact that the baby had the same stuffed giraffe as her own daughter only sealed it in her mind._

_ The case had been long and frustrating, especially since she'd been unable to stick to her old habits. At six every night she had to leave to pick her baby from daycare and go home where she sat down and held her for hours, just listening to her breathe. _

_ On the third day of the case when Lisbon was going through the batch of pictures that fit the description of the assailant for the third time, Jane came to her with a declaration that floored her. "It's the mother."_

_ She didn't believe that at all. "No, a mother would never kill her child."_

_ "You and I both know that isn't true."_

_ He'd been right, she could name off a dozen cases where a mother killed her child but Lisbon refused to believe that this was one of them. She dismissed Jane's theory entirely as she doubled down on her quest to find the man responsible for killing an innocent baby._

_ That just meant Jane used subterfuge to prove his theory._

_ He took her to the home and confronted the mother himself. He'd been casual with her, trying to ease the woman into a false sense of comfort. When Jane mentioned her daughter the woman started to cry a little but Jane had called her on the false tears._

_ "You never really wanted to be a mother, that's obvious from the lack of pictures of your daughter. The many pictures of yourself show that you have an overinflated ego, which is undoubtedly why you demand love and affection from those around you. Now your husband, he didn't bite and that just made you want him more. You got pregnant to trap him and it worked, he married you and now he was all yours…but uh oh you're stuck with a baby that you have to care for. And worse, a baby didn't make him love you instead you're forced to live with this tiny demanding little person that ruined all of your plans for yourself."_

_ The woman had just glared at him. "How dare you say that? You have no idea what you are talking about."_

_ Jane had gotten very quiet then, staring at her with the look of calm certainty. "I have a daughter, she's only a few weeks old."_

_ "Congratulations."_

_ "Don't," Jane told her, "I told her mother that I didn't want anything to do with her. A child would just ruin my plans. Worse, I'd have to be responsible for it, kids are a mess, why would I want anything to do with that?"_

_ "Why are you telling me this?"_

_ "So you can see that I'm on your side. Children can be an inconvenience, its understandable if you got tired of yours. It's easy for men, they can just walk away. Mothers don't have that option."_

_ She was quiet for a while but then her whole frame relaxed. "She wouldn't shut up, always crying and screaming. I couldn't go out anymore, Chris told me that I had to stay home and watch her."_

_ "And he wouldn't let you hire a nanny so you were stuck."_

_ "It was just better before she was born."_

_ "I'll bet, it's terrible. That sinking feeling that you can't escape, that you've done this and there is no way out. Then you must have realized there was a chance. There was a way to make it like it never happened, no more responsibility, no more nuisance keeping you from your real life."_

_ "I just wanted her to go away."_

_ Jane nodded. "Well she is, she's gone. I guess you solved your problem."_

_ Rigsby was the one who slapped the handcuffs on her while Jane and Lisbon stayed in that living room alone. The tears were streaming down her face but neither one of them said a word. The sadness was pervading them all._

_ "How could a mother kill her own child?" Lisbon wondered aloud._

_ Jane shook his head. "Selfishness."_

_ She was still surprised that Jane had actually used their past to get a confession. He hadn't really lied, just selectively told the truth. He'd put himself at the same level as this woman; in a sense was it wrong? This woman had killed her daughter and Jane had asked Lisbon to do the same._

_ "Is that why you did it?" Lisbon asked him, "Is that why you walked away from me?"_

_ Jane finally looked her in the eye, and she saw oceans of pain in his. "I don't know."_

_ Lisbon nodded and stood up. "I wish you did." She walked out of the room then, tears still falling from her eyes._

_ She didn't know who she was crying for, the baby that was no longer on this earth or her own child that had gone through so much before her birth._

_ Both babies deserved better parents._

* * *

Lisbon's apartment was a disaster area but she'd known it would be. The place still smelled damp and the floors were all exposed now that her carpet had been ripped out. New carpet was going to be installed next week but for now it was just a mess of splintery wood and sharp carpet tacks.

But that wasn't why she was here.

She made her way through the apartment to the row of shelves that housed many books, knickknacks and framed photographs. Pictures of Alaina were front row and center now like her in her Easter dress and grinning at the camera; another was mother and daughter at her christening. Finally there was the picture of all three of them, her, Jane and Alaina. He'd had her take that picture on the couch right after buying his expensive camera. She'd resisted then, unable to fathom the idea of pretending to be a family. Months later she'd framed that picture deciding that it hadn't been such a crazy thought after all.

Lisbon stared at that picture for a long while. They really did look like a family and it hadn't been pretend after all. That is what they were, a family. She had a child with Jane, she loved Jane, what was stopping her from making that official. The idea of moving forward and taking what she wanted, marriage, a house, all of that was wonderful to think about and if she could have some guarantees she'd take them in a heartbeat.

But this was life. There were no guarantees. Jane could love her but he could also destroy her. He'd had that power for a very long time and it was hard to believe that he wouldn't abuse it again.

Her eyes flitted to another frame, this one didn't house a photograph but instead a simple a slightly wrinkled piece of yellow paper.

Jane had written out the contract as a gesture of good faith and jokingly told her to do what she wanted with it as long as she kept it. He'd laughed when he saw that she'd framed it months later but the truth was she cherished it. She wanted to hold him to it and she kept it as the beginning of the turnaround from her believing he was a heartless bastard to her finally hoping he could be the man she'd always wanted him to be.

_I, Patrick Jane, solemnly swear that I will never abandon, ignore, or desert my child. I will never refer to her or any actions that led to her creation as a mistake._

_ I will provide for my child, not only with material means but with love, affection and devotion. I will strive to be the best father that I can possibly be, taking my role as caregiver and disciplinarian with all seriousness and genuine desire._

_ I understand completely that my actions in the past towards Teresa Lisbon were reprehensible but I will endeavor to gain back her affections and trust by letting my actions with our child and her speak for me._

_ To that end I will treat her with the respect that she deserves, not just as the mother of my child but as the person who has given me far too many chances. I will be available for her to assist in caring for and raising our child and any other help she requires._

_ I also relinquish my freedom to her, effectively becoming her slave in any desires she wishes as means of proving that that I have the most serious and best of intentions._

_ Finally I wish to express my sorrow and regret of my past transgressions, acknowledging the incredible pain and anguish I put Teresa Lisbon through. This contract is a means of admitting the debt I have and resolve to recompense even though I am fully aware that it is a debt that cannot ever be repaid._

She stared over those words, written in his fluid easy script. He'd meant them, she knew that now, and he'd kept his end of the bargain.

Lisbon picked up the contract to stare at it some more, running her fingertips over the glass. This was the man she wanted to be with, the one who wrote this contract and kept it. He'd proven that he could be an amazing father to their daughter, he'd treated her with respect and admiration for all of the troubles she'd gone through during her pregnancy and afterwards.

This was the side of him she'd always hoped for and believed was there. In those moments when she saw him head up to his attic for another night of tea and obsessively scouring the Red John file, she'd quietly gone back to her office to pray to God that Jane would find some peace. She'd never imagined that peace would come through their child, nor did she think that it would happen after months of emotional torment.

Jane had wanted a chance, a chance to prove that he could be a father to their daughter. Now he wanted another chance to prove he could be the man she needed.

Should she do it? Should she give him that opportunity? Could she risk her heart just like she'd risked her daughter's when she'd agreed to let him see her? In the end that had been the right decision…but there hadn't been any guarantees then either.

Lisbon stared at the contract again and thought about that day once more.

Then she knew what she had to do.

* * *

_ Jane hid in his attic after booking; he needed time alone to feel his own grief that an innocent child was gone from this world. He also needed the opportunity to silently feel joy that his second child was alive and well._

_ He'd been filching pictures of Alaina from Grace's desk for weeks. She kept packs of them in her top drawer, almost as if she was the mother to this child and not Lisbon, she certainly felt like this was her child after everything she had done for Lisbon during the pregnancy. She'd never notice that a few were missing._

_ His favorite was one that Grace must have taken in the hospital. Lisbon was lying in the bed and her daughter was lying next to her face. One fingertip was tracing Alaina's tiny hand; Lisbon's eyes were closed as if capturing this moment in her mind. It was breathtaking really._

_ Jane stared at the picture a long time, feeling relief but not enough. He needed to see his daughter, to hold her in his arms and feel her breathe. Finally he put the pictures away resolved to go down and speak to Lisbon to make sure she knew he was intent on seeing Alaina that night._

_ The bullpen was dim as it was late and everyone was leaving. Cho and Rigsby were there but Grace was gone. Rigsby was gathering his things, no doubt heading home to go and see his own child and get some comfort from that simple pleasure._

_ But Jane saw that Lisbon's office was dark. "Where's Lisbon?" He asked._

_ The other two men glanced up at him. They both had been going through their own feelings of anger at what Jane had done and they were both at various steps towards forgiving him, Cho was a lot closer._

_ "She left," Cho told him._

_ Rigsby must have felt a little sorry for him then, or maybe he was closer to forgiving Jane then he'd thought. "She said she needed to get home, she was still pretty upset and she needed to get some things off her chest."_

_ Jane didn't like the sound of that. He'd seen the way she'd looked after booking, those sad, pain filled and angry eyes. She wasn't often emotionally involved in cases and in those rare instances the pain needed to be dampened with alcohol and other stress relieving activities. He figured that she occasionally went to a bar to hook up with a stranger, at least she used to before he had started doing his part to help her calm down. That usually meant strong tea and long talks, then she would go home instead of to the bar but now…now she didn't think she had that._

_ This could be very bad._

_ So Jane went straight for the kill. He got into his car and found the nearest bar to Lisbon's apartment. He hoped she'd had the foresight to not take her car, he didn't want her to be foolish enough to even consider driving home drunk._

_ In one glance around the room he saw her at he bar, drinking a shot of what was probably tequila. She was sad and angry, she wasn't thinking clearly or she would remember that she had a two-month-old baby at home and drinking alcohol was a very bad idea. But after being the selfless angel for the past year a little fall from grace was hardly a sin._

_ This was the mother of his child and he loved her, he loved to a distraction even though he knew he shouldn't. He had no right, not then and most certainly not now._

_ But he couldn't help himself._

_ Lisbon had her back to him and she tossed another shot back, his heart breaking a little bit then. _

_ She would be angry at him for this, angry at him for stepping forward and pulling her out of here. She didn't know that all he wanted to do was protect her and their child. She didn't believe him._

_ But she would, someday she would…_

* * *

Alaina was laughing gaily as Jane calmly bounced her on his lap. She was beginning to bear her weight on her legs, soon she would be able to stand easily without support, and then she would start walking. His little girl was growing up so fast, right before his eyes and he loved and hated it all at the same time.

He was afraid that he would be missing out on things. He missed the first time she rolled over, the first time she'd started crawling. All of that had been at her mother's home when he hadn't been there. Yes he had time with her but it wasn't every day and that meant it was never really enough.

The truth was that Jane was afraid. He knew that he truly had done everything he could. He'd told Lisbon he loved her, had proven that he was capable of and had already changed. He'd done everything he could to get her to see that he wouldn't treat her love lightly like he had done in the past but now Jane was afraid that none of that would be enough. It was possible that he would have to live with only a partial win. He would have his daughter but not the woman he loved. Perhaps for once his sins really had been far too great.

That thought terrified him.

A knock on the door interrupted the bittersweet moment. Jane put Alaina down in her pen before heading over to answer the door. More than a little surprised to find the woman of his thoughts standing on the other side. "It's a little early to pick up Alaina."

"I'm not here about that," Lisbon told him before charging into his apartment like a woman on a mission.

"All right," Jane said, closing the door and turning around to face her. "What are you here for?"

"Do you remember this?" Lisbon asked, holding up the contract he had written months before.

Jane nodded his head. "Our contract that I would be a father to Alaina and never go back on my word."

"I want an amendment."

He raised his eyebrows at that. "An amendment?"

"Or a new one, whatever. I want one."

"Why?"

Lisbon tapped her foot impatiently. "Because I need something hold you to. If I'm going to be with you then I want to know that you aren't going run away or pull any of your usual crap that winds up hurting me in the end."

Jane was amused by her forceful manner but mostly he was becoming overjoyed with her words 'I'm going to be with you'. He couldn't help himself from smiling. "You think a faux contract on a piece of paper will do that?"

"You took it seriously last time."

"Yes I did," Jane agreed.

Lisbon slapped a yellow legal pad and a pen on the table and gave him a stern look. "Well?"

He studied her for a minute, deciding that now was the time to make sure that all aspects of their relationship were settled. "Yes…but only if it's a joint contract."

"What?"

"You need to sign and agree to follow the terms too."

Now Lisbon looked confused. "I'm not the one with the bad track record."

"No but do you believe that I'm the only one who had done the hurting?" Jane asked her, "I'll admit my list of misdeeds far exceeds yours but that doesn't leave you off the hook."

"I'm risking everything to do this."

"And you think I'm not? You could break my heart just as easily," he reminded her, "and believe me that as much as you are afraid, so am I."

Lisbon considered his words for a very long time and he saw that she was surprised but quickly came to realize he was right. The risk was on both sides; they both had a lot to lose. "All right," Lisbon said, "we'll both lay out our terms."

Jane grinned and took a seat, taking up the pen to start writing. "Ladies first."

"You will not run and hide and treat me like I'm worthless again," Lisbon stated, "you won't let your fears cloud how you feel about me and our child, you won't abandon us again."

"That will be an easy one to keep," Jane said, writing out her words quickly. Then he met her eyes. "You will follow your words and forgive me. That means tearing down your walls and actually giving me a chance to prove to you that I will not hurt you again. You might have said that you were past all of this but we both know that isn't entirely true, if you are serious about loving me then you will not guard your heart but let me carry it…the way you already carry mine."

Lisbon stared back at him; he could see she was not untouched by his words. Finally she nodded her head. "You're right…I'll do that." He smiled and continued with the contract. "You will tell me everything about Red John."

Jane put the pen down, more than a little surprised by that stipulation. "Don't do this."

But Lisbon didn't back down. "I'm serious, Jane. I need to know that Alaina and I come first."

"That is already true."

"Then prove it. If we are going to be a partner in our personal lives then we need to be partners in ever aspect. You need to stop hiding things about Red John from me because we both know that _every time_ you do it always ends with me curled up on the floor crying because of something you did. I'm not asking you to stop looking for him but I'm telling you that I have to be a part of every thing in your life…and that includes him."

Jane twisted the pen around in his hands. "I only keep things from you to protect you."

"And that's sweet…but it doesn't make it right," Lisbon told him calmly, "because keeping secrets never works. I need to know that I can trust you with everything, I need to trust that you will never let Red John come between us again."

He stared back at her, still twisting the pen in his fingers. The past decade stared right back at him, a long list of failed plans and schemes that she'd found a way to help him out of. Yes he'd done a lot of good and his intentions had always been for the best…but she was right that he'd caused her so much pain, more than he probably wanted to know. She'd stated that she'd been curled up on the floor crying…what terrified him was he had a feeling that she wasn't just talking about his behavior during her pregnancy there.

Jane nodded his head. "All right. I won't keep anything about Red John from you. I mean it this time." He slowly wrote that down, putting his heart onto that sheet of paper. He would keep this; he had to because this woman meant more to him than anything. He stared at those words for a moment, feeling a sense of peace and relief that startled him…but it felt good too.

But there were more terms. "You need to keep what I do at the CBI there." Jane told her, "I'm going to do things that annoy you and occasionally make you mad, we both know that I'm not going to change my stripes entirely."

"God help me if I tried," Lisbon muttered and he grinned then.

"I want a promise from you that you will not use Alaina as blackmail," Jane told her, "I don't want to have the fear that I will never see my child again because of something I do. You can't take her from me, not now and not ever."

Lisbon looked a little shamed then, it was hard facing the fact that she'd hurt him more than once over the past six months by keeping him from his child. Perhaps he'd deserved it but she'd still done the hurting. "I agree, I should not ever keep you from Alaina."

She looked into his eyes again. "I want you to understand that I'm not asking you to forget your past. I do not want you to stop loving your wife and Charlotte…but I need to know that Alaina and I are not replacements either."

"Is that what you think?"

She shook her head. "I don't know, I just…" she took a deep breath and let it out. "I'm afraid that since you spent so long on revenge that you will do something stupid and we'll lose you because of it."

Jane sighed, he knew there was no way he could change the past. He couldn't erase all of the pain he had caused or the actions he had taken that made Lisbon believe he couldn't love her like he loved his first family. In this regard all he could to was prove with time that he loved her and Alaina too much to throw it all away on revenge, that yes he would love Angela and Charlotte but he could love them just as much too.

"I won't do anything to put our family at risk," Jane stated, putting those words down on the contract, "I will show you in time that I love you implicitly, I cannot and will not do anything to destroy that. If that means giving up Red John, then so be it."

Lisbon smiled softly, "Really?"

Jane nodded. "I promise."

The tension in her frame melted away and he saw that she was really feeling at peace. He smiled back at her, knowing that things were going to be amazing now that they were actually going to try this. They were going to be a family in ever sense of the word.

She looked down at the paper. "Anything else."

He thought about it for a moment and a wicked though occurred to him. He immediately put pen to paper. "Every Thursday you will wear that emerald green satin set to bed."

"How did you know… wait a minute! I'm not agreeing to that!"

"Too late it's in the contract."

She smacked him on the head. "Be serious."

"Oh but I am," Jane admitted, "I've been picturing you in it since I learned you had one."

"How long?"

"About five seconds."

Lisbon glared at him with a mixture of annoyance and amusement. "I guarantee if you don't cross that out then you'll never see me in it."

Jane chuckled and he did as she said, mostly because he believed her. "My terms are set," Jane told her.

"Mine too."

"Wonderful," Jane said. He signed his name at the bottom and then directed her to the blank portion next to it. "Sign here."

Lisbon bent over the table to do just that. As soon as she was finished he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into his lap. She let out a little cry of surprise but was not unhappy with the result of her sitting sideways in his lap, not when she wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled into his eyes.

"I love you," Jane told her softly before leaning down to kiss her. It was a kiss of promise, sweet and languid, like they would have all of the time in the world to do this again…which they did.

She pulled back with a sigh, her eyes closed in contentment. "I love you too."

He smiled and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "What made you come around?"

"You won't believe me."

"Try me."

Lisbon grinned. "I ran into Josh at the store. He told me that I would only be happy with you and I would regret it if I didn't risk it."

He was a little surprised by this. "Have I mentioned that how much I like him?"

Lisbon laughed then. "Sure, that's why you were a jackass to him."

"I like him a lot better now that he isn't dating you," Jane replied, leaning down to press a sensual kiss at her ear.

She gasped a little and squirmed at the heady sensations. "I feel bad though," Lisbon told him, "he is a nice guy, it's not his fault that I'm already in love with you."

"He'll find someone else, soon."

"I believe you," Lisbon said, "But why do you think that?"

"Maybe because I told Holly to head over there tomorrow."

"What?"

Jane grinned. "Don't doubt my matchmaking skills, woman, look at how happy Minelli and May are together."

Lisbon shook her head, more than a little amused. "You had this all planned out, the happy ending."

"Yes, but it all depended on you," Jane told her, "if you would be willing to give a wretched man the chance he didn't deserve. All I can do is try and be worth your love."

Lisbon sat up straighter, her hands running through his curls. "You already are."

He might not believe her but Jane knew it was a very nice thing to hear. He leaned down to kiss her again and they continued to kissing for a very long time.

The kissing began to get very heated and Lisbon pulled back breathless. "Is Alaina asleep?"

"No," Jane said, disappointing them both.

"Dammit," Lisbon muttered. She unwrapped her hands around his neck as she tried to catch her breath. The would have to wait until their daughter was in her crib before sealing this moment of joy. She must have been amused by his calm manner. "Aren't you frustrated?"

"No," Jane told her honestly, pulling he up against his chest to hold her. "Because if there is one thing I've learned from all of this, I can be patient because I know that it will all be worth it."

* * *

A/N: Well there was the ending, LOL Holly claimed Josh first, sorry ladies. This was the last full chapter of The Best Mistake, the epilogue will be up soon to answer a few more questions.


	18. Epilogue: A Second Chance

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Well this is it. The epilogue that will explain the future and answer some questions. This journey has been incredible and I am so proud how this story turned out. Thank you all for reading this fic and loving it. You guys have made it all worth it.

* * *

Epilogue: A Second Chance

_Nine Months Later_

Patrick watched Alaina toddle around the living room, she loved chasing after things, and there was no doubt she was going to be fast like her mother. He liked to joke that she'd never actually learned how to walk but instead had skipped straight to running. That was fine with Teresa who was already planning out where she would sit in the stands while watching Alaina lead the track team to the national championships.

Here she was, over a year old now and he couldn't be more proud of his daughter. Especially since things had never been smooth for her or her parents, and it wasn't just her unorthodox conception that was the problem.

He had been quietly waiting for Red John to make a statement ever since Alaina's birth. He'd made the decision to come out and be a father to her without any regret but he'd also known that it would mean letting everyone, including the monster he was chasing, that he had a child and was certainly in love with her mother. It was an opportunity too good for Red John to pass up.

The message had come only days before Alaina's first birthday and Jane had seriously considered keeping it to himself. He hadn't wanted to frighten Lisbon or to ruin Alaina's first birthday. But he had committed himself to honesty, no more secrets. At first when he'd shown her the message he'd regretted that action immediately, Lisbon was plagued with nightmares and Jane hated that she was so afraid.

Two weeks after Alaina's birthday they had both heard their daughter crying out. Nothing unusual there, Lisbon had volunteered to put her back to sleep. After several minutes Jane had realized that she was taking an inordinate amount of time so he'd gotten up to investigate. What he'd found was terrifying.

Lisbon standing in by their daughter's crib, Alaina standing up trying to get to her mother for comfort but Lisbon couldn't move, she's just stood there staring at the monster that was only a few feet from her.

Jane knew this had all been a part of Red John's plan. He wanted him to be there and watch this time as he took away his family again. The dialogue that followed had been calm and measured while Red John boasted of this triumph and sneered at Jane's chance of happiness. Lisbon had been just as terrified as he was but she'd been calm. In the end Jane had to admit that being completely honest with her about Red John's message was the best thing he could have done. It had been her idea to tape the gun to the bottom of Alaina's crib, so while Red John was distracted with his showmanship she'd been able to sneakily grab it and finally end this decade long game with three well aimed shots to the chest.

She'd apologized a lot the rest of the night for killing Red John instead do giving him the chance, as the rest of the team showed up and the cops took Red John's body away. Jane had found that a little amusing mostly because he had long since stopped caring over how Red John was taken out. In the end all he cared was that Alaina and her mother were safe, he wasn't going to lose his family again.

One thing they had agreed on was that they could not have Alaina grow up in the room where Red John died. They found a small home that they both liked and moved in as soon as they could, finally putting every part of the past behind them and moving on as a family.

Jane grinned and checked the time, Lisbon would be home soon. A meeting with Bertram had meant he'd had the opportunity to come home from the CBI first. Now all he had to do was wait for her to walk through the door and he could see if she would finally be honest with him about the little secret she was hiding.

Ten minutes later, the front door opened and Jane heard her walking through the hallway towards the living room. Alaina's face lit up as soon as she saw her. "Mama! Mama!" She exclaimed, running over to hug her mother's leg.

She leaned down to pick up her daughter, kissing her hello with a big grin. Jane walked over to greet her with a kiss as well. "Ah so Bertram finally let you go."

"Yeah, it took a little longer than I thought," she admitted, setting Alaina down onto the carpet. She was nervous about what was going on. "Patrick, you and I need to have a talk."

He hid his amusement and waited. "Oh?"

She nodded. "It's something important and…and I'm not sure what you'll think about it." Lisbon took deep breath and let it out, rubbing her palms on her pant legs. Finally she worked up the courage to say it. "I'm pregnant again."

Jane kept the same smile on his face; actually he didn't react at all to the news. "I'm glad you finally told me. What would you like for dinner? I was thinking chicken marsala but what would you prefer."

She stared at him as if he'd lost him mind, she probably thought he had. "Did you even listen to me?"

"Yes, you're pregnant. Now dinner?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

He laughed. "Nothing, I assure you. But why should I be surprised over something I already knew."

"How did you know?"

"It was rather obvious. You've been sick for the past two weeks, you haven't felt the urge to kill me for the past two months and there is the fact that your figure is…" he grinned now turning his eyes to her breasts, "_blossoming_." She smacked him for that comment which only made him laugh again. "I also found the pregnancy test in the trash last week, what I want to know is why it took you eight days to tell me."

She looked down now at her hands. "I was afraid to tell you."

He nodded, expecting that statement. "Why?"

Lisbon met his eyes. "You didn't take it well the last time I told you I was pregnant."

"Circumstances were very, _very_ different then," Jane reminded her, "you shouldn't have been afraid. Especially since I'm unbeleiveabley excited about this baby."

"Really?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" he told her, "Alaina is going to be a big sister, I'm going to be a father again, everything is exactly as I hoped and this time…this time I'm going to be with you. I'll get to fix you whatever you are craving, go to the doctors apppointments, feel our son kick inside of her."

Her eyes were watery with unshed tears of happiness. "Our son?"

"It's a boy," he assured her, "I'm certain of it."

"It's just as likely that it's another girl."

"It's a boy."

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "You can't know that for sure but far be it from me to declare you wrong though it would be funny it—what the hell are you doing?" Her exclamation came from Jane forcing the engagement ring he'd been plying her with for months onto her finger.

He had asked her to marry him thirty-four times. The first time was two days after Red John's death and she'd told him no, she didn't want him to propose to her just because he was still feeling the relief and joy at catching Red John, she wanted a proposal sober. Thirty-three proposals later and she was still telling him no.

"I'm putting this on your finger where it belongs," Jane declared.

"Aren't you going to ask me first?"

"No," he told her honestly, "I've asked you long enough and now I'm just going to demand that you marry me."

Lisbon stared at the ring on her finger, the ring she'd seen several times now. "I would have said yes this time."

"I couldn't take that chance."

Now she looked slightly guilty. "I've always wanted to marry you, Patrick. Since you first asked me. I only said no because…because I needed to be sure that this is what you wanted."

"I've had that ring for almost a year," he explained, "since I realized I couldn't live without you. I just wanted to wait until Red John was gone so there were no more reasons to keep us apart."

Lisbon nodded. "I understand…but I needed to know for sure too."

He pulled her into his arms, letting one hand rest on her stomach where their new baby was happily nestled in her womb. "Then be sure of this, nothing will take me away from you, Alaina and our new baby. I love all three of you more than anything else in this world."

She turned her head to kiss him sweetly. "I know."

They basked in the moment of tenderness between them, soft kisses and a warm embrace. But Alaina came toddling over and batted his leg. "Daddy! Up! Up!"

Jane laughed and hauled his daughter into his lap but kept Lisbon close. This was exactly what he wanted.

This is what happily ever after looked like

* * *

A/N: That's it folks, the end LOL but not quite. I've had numerous requests for more and I can't seem to let Alaina go. So be on the look out for a few companions to this fic including one that shows Jane, Lisbon and Alaina on a family vacation LOL. Any requests, send them and I'll consider them. I promise LOL

Meanwhile I hope you guys be on the look out for my new story The Wages of Sin, it'll be an AU from the episode Fugue in Red where Lisbon actually let Fugue Jane go but when his memory comes back a year later he is furious with Lisbon for her decision and finds out that a lot has happened since he left. Red John is playing a new game...but it isn't with him.

Thank you for reading this story and remember, watch out for the continuing adventures of Alaina LOL


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